Week 8 Chumleys

The surging Ball Maulers were the only Autobots team to notch a win last week.

Where does the time go? It feels like I haven't posted in weeks. There's so much ground to cover today, and I know I'll miss some things. Let's see...
-Robert Goulet died, and while my future employers went with "The Coconut Bangers Ball", I'll choose "Red Ships of Spain" any day and twice on Sunday.
-Sasquatch is alive, but it might be a bear instead.

Ok, I think I covered all the important stuff. On to those Chumley awards you've anxiously been awaiting.

Game 1: Hefty def. Aaron - And the Chumley goes to...
Braylon Edwards, WR, Cle - I was listening to a Fantasy Football Podcast at work today and they were talking about if they could redraft midseason, how would it go? Brady was taken first, Tomlinson taken second, Addai taken third, Randy Moss taken 4th. Here's my point, dude...Braylon Edwards was the next receiver they took! Braylon's definitely winning me over at this point in the season, but the second best wide receiver?? Absurdity, right? Well maybe not. 37 catches, 669 yards, 9 TD's, all while playing for the pigskin wasteland known as the Cleveland Browns. Pretty amazing season for Braylon so far.

Game 2: Shawn def. Melvin - And the Chumley goes to...
Chargers, D/ST, SD - 29 fantasy points out of a defense is re-donkey-kong. If you need help visualizing how a defense could score this many points, here's your frame of reference: 29 fantasy points is the same number the Giants defense scored against the Eagles in the 'Winston Justice' game.

Game 3: Mike def. Jordan - And the Chumley goes to...
Antonio Gates, TE, SD - Derek Anderson could have gotten the nod here after his 248 yard, 3 TD day, but I went with Gates and his 3 catch, 92 yard, 2 TD day instead. Like much of Southern California, Gates was on fire on Sunday.
Too soon, or just not that funny? You decide.

Game 4: Paul def. Craig - And the Chumley goes to...
Philip Rivers QB, SD - When you throw 11 passes, and three of them are touchdowns, you've had yourself a pretty solid day. Rivers seems to be one of the most hot-and-cold QB's in the league. He's had 4 games with two or more touchdowns, and 3 games with no touchdowns. There's no middle ground here, but the important thing is that San Diego's offense seems to have found it's spark again after sputtering through the opening part of the schedule.

Game 5: Dave def. Adam - And the Chumley goes to...
Drew Brees, QB, NO - While I'd normally give this award to Jason Elam for his kicking heroics, it would be irresponsible of me to ignore Brees's monstrous 336 yard, 4 touchdown game against the Niners. Brees has climbed out of a major early season slump to become our league's 14th ranked QB. He's tossed eight touchdowns in the last three games, and the schedule looks pretty favorable for Brees the rest of the way.

Game 6: Shelby def. Rich - And the Chumley goes to...
Joseph Addai, RB, Ind - Addai led all RB's by a 9 point margin on Sunday, and is the fifth ranked back in the league. I personally think he'll have a strong performance against the Colts on Sunday, who hopefully can get a win so we can finally read a sports story about a city other than Boston for a week. Even the Philadelphia media is Boston-centric. It's T.O. Week, and the big sports story is that Curt Schilling could be coming back to the Phillies. I just need something different. I'm even getting excited by Kobe Bryant trade rumors, even though there's less than a 0% chance he'd end up in Philadelphia. Just anything to break up the Celtics-Sox-Pats (even a moderate amount of Boston College) monopoly on ESPN programming. Enough already. I just got my Sports Illustrated in the mail and I'm scared to open it. Papelbon's on the cover and Brady's brooding up in the upper left corner.
Sidenote: It's almost impossible to type Joe's last name without typing Adidas first and then backspacing and fixing it. And it's not like Adidas is even something I type that often.

Week 8 Photo Finishes: Elamania!!!

Elam is "Male" backwards. Write that down.

I'm slightly pressed for time today, so we'll concentrate on two games here. Sorry to count you out, Rich, but whatever a Tony Scheffler is, I doubt it's good for 14 points plus whatever Donald Driver and Brandon Stokely score. So I'll say you lose. So here are the two games coming down to the wire tonight, and my predicted outcomes.

Game 1: Mike (23.9 point lead) vs. Jordan (Brandon Marshall)
Brandon Marshall will get the majority of the looks on the field with Javon Walker missing the game due to injury. While he's had some good games this season, he hasn't had anything close to a 24 point game, and I don't think that will change tonight against a tough Green Bay D. I'll say he bags a touchdown, and maybe 60 yards. Mike wins.

Game 2: Adam (0.3 point lead) vs. Dave (Jason Elam)
Since our league penalizes missed kicks, there's actually a chance Adam could sneak away with this one, but there's no way I'd actually predict such nonsense. Elam has had three game winning kicks this season for the Broncos, and I'll say tonight he gets number 4 and 5, kicking both Denver and Delaware to close victories.

Week 8 Roundup: Las Bajingas Y Los Sasquatchos

The Chargers-Texans game featured more man-on-man ass rubbing than Kurt's Halloween party!

THE BAJINGOS

1. Chad Johnson - Ocho Cinco has had a great season so far, with the exception of two games. He caught 3 balls for 53 yards against New England earlier in the season, and 5 balls for 51 yards against Pittsburgh yesterday. Good defenses seem to be able to find away to stop Chad from putting on one of his attention seeking stunts. Chris Henry can return to the field in Week 10, which should give Carson another reliable target along with TJ Houshmandzadeh. Add in the rumors swirling in Cincinnati that Chad is telling opposing players and coaches to "get me out of here", meaning Cincy, and I have a feeling that the season is only going to get worse for Johnson. He may get his wish, as it sounds like the team may be considering trading him away after the season.

2. Craig's Lineup - 53.7 points is pretty terrible. The worst part is, he didn't have any significant points on his bench either. I don't know what you're expecting when Trent Edwards is your starting quarterback, but things are getting even worse in Areolaville, who was already #12 in last week's Power Rankings.

3. The Giants Passing Game - Plaxico had scored in the first six games of the season before getting held out of the end zone last week against the 49ers. He's now got a two-game streak going, as the Dolphins held the Giants to just 59 passing yards and zero passing touchdowns at a rainy Wembley Stadium. The Giants are on a bye next week, and then return in Week 10 to kick off a much more difficult second half of their schedule. Given Eli Manning's proclivity for starting the season off hot and then getting progressively crappier, this could be a unit that continues to struggle in the weeks to come.

4. Vince Young - The Titans continue to win behind VY, but he's proving himself not to be the statistical machine some had projected. Young has just three passing touchdowns and six interceptions on the season. He has yet to throw for more than 184 yards in a game, and even the rushing part of his game hasn't come together as expected. He's scrambled for one touchdown, and hasn't gone for more than 53 yards in a game so far.

5. Steve Smith - There doesn't seem to be any middle ground with Smith. He's either the focal point of the offense and racking up double digit fantasy points, or he's getting completely shut down. Yesterday was another shut down game, as he got held to 2 catches for 18 yards. Sure, he's got some lousy quarterbacks getting him the ball, but Carolina's running game should be respectable enough to get Smith some one-on-one looks so he can make something happen after the catch.

THE SASQUATCHES

1. Tom Brady - Last week I bemoaned Tom Brady's lack of running ability. So what does he do? 4 carries, 14 yards, 2 touchdowns. Shut me right up. Brady's obviously the best player on the best team in the NFL, so maybe we need to exclude him from future Sasquatch status. It's a given.

2. Drew Brees to Marques Colston - Brees and Colston torched the 49ers yesterday. Brees had 336 yards and 4 touchdowns, three of which were caught by Colston. Brees has now thrown for 8 touchdowns in the past three games, as the Saints seem to be re-emerging from the ashes once again. Was there another hurricane in New Orleans I didn't hear about? Anyway, New Orleans's resurgence seems to have come just in time for them to make a late playoff push, and if the Eagles can somehow manage to do the same, Week 16 (Eagles at Saints) could have some major implications.

3. Deeeeeeeeee-Fense!!!! - The Chargers scored twice and picked off four passes in putting up 29 fantasy points. The Patriots recovered three fumbles and scored a touchdown and added 23 points. It was a good day to own one of these defenses, as both Shawn and Shelby should be enjoying a win thanks in part to a dominating defensive effort.

4. Antonio Gates - Gates had three catches for 92 yards and a touchdown. The touchdowns couldn't have been easier for him to score. I don't know if it was keying on LT, or watching newly acquired Chris Chambers closer, but Gates was wide open twice on long passes and had a monster day in a blowout over the Texans.

5. Joseph Addai - If the Colts want to win next week's game, Addai will need to have a game every bit as good as he had yesterday. He carried 23 times for 100 yards and two touchdowns, and also took a shovel pass in to the end zone. Assuming Marvin Harrison can go full-speed next week, Addai should have a little less defensive attention focused on him and could be the key to Indy's success in what should be the game of the year.

MMSY: 10/29/07

Feel the excitement! It's the Colts! It's the Pats! It's .... NEXXXXT!!!

5 Things I Think I Thought That Were

1. I think the best part about the Penn State/Ohio State "game" was the sign shown during ESPN College Gameday: "Finkel Is Einhorn." Simple. Short. Absolute genius. I've got more venom coming on that PSU effort in a bit.

2. I think that the hype meter might implode this week with the build up to Indianapolis/New England this coming weekend. I get it, I do.

This is going to be a terrific game between two teams that, clearly, are head and shoulders above the rest of the NFL. I also know that Tony Dungy has overcome severe personal tragedy to reach gigantic professional heights, all while helping folks along the way in a spiritual and motivational manner. That Bill Belichick still faces scrutiny over the camera thingy and wants to prove to the world that his team doesn't need to cheat to dominate. That the Patriots have old, yet wily linebackers. That the Colts are being viewed as "under the radar." That Bob Sanders is the straw that stirs the Colts defense. That Tom Brady is trying to not only take revenge on the Colts for their 2006 playoff demise, but also is trying to forcibly suffocate that single-season touchdown record that Peyton holds. Oh, and eff as many models as he can in a calendar year, too.

(Still with me? I've got tons of new angles that haven't been covered yet... OK, I'll stop).

3. I think that, since no one else seemed to give a damn about Hefty's 76ers post on Friday, that I'll chime in: OJ Mayo will not help this franchise. I don't buy, right now, that he's the best player for them (anybody think a legit center might help? Or better yet, the power forward that hasn't been present since Sir Charles came out to the desert in 1993? I loved Tyrone Hill and Charles Shackleford, but ... yeah.) In fact, I don't even buy that Mayo is the best of the one-year-and-done college kids (Kevin Love at UCLA; Eric Gordon at Indiana). Plus, Mayo has a stink-ass attitude. I say stay away from him.

Plus, we know this draft speculation will be rendered completely moot when they reel off a flurry of wins at the end of the season to sneak into the playoffs and promptly get jackhammered by the top seed.

4. I think that Hollywoodland is an excellent film. Stars Adrien Brody, Ben Affleck, Diane Lane and that guy from Who Framed Roger Rabbit? A taught (like a tiger) thriller about the mysterious death of 1950s television star George "Superman" Reeves. Mixed in is some humor and multiple (repeat: MULTIPLE) bare rear-end shots of Mr. Affleck. Fantastic stuff.

5. I think that my rant from the Michigan game, sadly, applies here again. It's almost becoming routine, this strategy where the coaching staff tries to minimize the team's mistakes by doing things that simply cannot help your team win:
a. Not blitzing a first-year starter making his biggest start of his career on the road. The two times (seriously, someone tell me if you counted more) that Penn State blitzed, they resulted in Dan Connor's interception and a Navarro Bowman sack.
b. Not throwing the ball downfield. My dad made a great observation in that, once we scored on that opening drive by running the ball very effectively, the gameplan got shifted to an extreme focus on the run. And it didn't work.
c. Keeping Andrew Quarless in to block rather than using his 6'5, 250-lb. frame in the passing game down the middle. If I, sitting in a crowded PSU alumni sports bar, can spot that every time Quarless tapped Morelli's ass that they would be running to the left of the line, well I'm just kinda sorta sure Ohio State figured it out.
d. That cowardly decision to punt when it was 4-and-2 at the Ohio State 38-yard-line. Change your diaper, Joe Pa.
e. Don't even get me started on the mandatory 15-yard cushion our defensive backs are instructed to give every receiver. It's a joke.

Orange Juice, Mayonnaise Sales Skyrocket In Eastern PA

The Sixers could suck hard enough to grab a Top 3 pick in this year's draft.

The NBA tips off in just 4 days, and if you're like me, you probably enjoy the first week or two of hoops season, then you go back to football, you pick up your ears again around the All-Star Game, and then you give it moderate attention until the playoffs start.

I enjoy the NBA but I never get particularly excited or upset about it. I mainly just like watching 7 foot African American men interacting with Eastern Europeans who probably smell like sweat-soaked borscht. It's fun. Well, there are two times in the year when the NBA has my full time attention. The first is the trade deadline. The second is the draft. For some reason, both of these events suck me in like a tractor beam every year. I also like to critique various teams' moves and lack of moves, as if I have any expertise whatsoever on the teams. I normally wouldn't be able to tell you a thing about Boris Diaw, but if his name is heavily involved in trade rumors, I'm all over it.

And the draft is even better. I'll make it my job to become an expert on every first round prospect, and then make important sounding comments about them as the draft unfolds. The night usually ends with me making a phone call to my dad and complaining about something I think the Sixers did wrong. Basically it's exactly what Bill Simmons does.

But this year's draft could be even more important. The Sixers might blow harder than any other team in the NBA, and be rewarded with a Top-3 pick for their buffoonery. There's a preview up on ESPN.com in which almost everybody picks them to finish last in the Eastern Conference, which is akin to calling somebody the biggest fag in Rehoboth.

And while there's still a looooong way to go until something like this pops up again on my radar, for today, I'm already thinking about the 2008 Sixers trotting out the #1 pick, OJ Mayo.

Grade The Trade: 10/25/07

BREAKING NEWS: The Hairy Areolas and The Larry Craig Fritzes have announced a three player trade. The Craigger will send Ahman Green (old) and Fred Taylor (weak, old) to Melvin, in exchange for Dwayne Bowe (Kansas City receiver).

From Melvin's Perspective - Ahman Green hasn't had a good game since Week 2. Fred Taylor hasn't had a good game since 2002. It's no secret that I err on the side of youth when it comes to running backs. I'd rather take my chances on a hot rook than dabble with a has-been. When it comes to fantasy running backs, there just aren't that many cougars in the league. It's best to hit up the young flesh and hope for the best. It's fitting that Taylor and Green are 38 and 39 in scoring amongst running backs this year. I believe that's also their age.
Honestly, I understand that with Ronnie Brown going down for the season, you definitely need some help at RB, but at the same time, these guys should not be starting for you. They're most likely your third and fourth option, and while I'm all for stocking your bench with potential talent, you are 1-6 and this trade does not solve any of your most pressing needs.

From Craig's Perspective - Let me take a wild guess. This isn't what you had in mind when you drafted Marvin Harrison, Terrell Owens and Javon Walker in rounds 2, 3, and 4, is it? Instead you're trading away two running backs for a rookie wide receiver who plays for one of the least threatening offenses in football. To his credit, Bowe has developed nicely, he's actually the 12th ranked receiver, and has fared no worse than 40 yards or a touchdown in any game so far. While I'm leery of any Chief, this seems to be their number one wide receiver, and so long as LJ and Gonzo are keeping up with expectations, Bowe should continue to find single coverage in the secondary. While I'm 99.9% sure that he won't be able to keep up his pace and finish in the Top 12 overall, it looks like you've gotten your new WR3 while Javon heals up.

The Winner: Craig, by the slightest of edges.

Week 7 Power Rankings

This week's #1 team has gone 6-1 with a platoon of QBs that make Tommy "Steaming" Maddox look like Dan Marino.

Right to the rankings this week. No shenanigans.

1. Canadian Cripplers (6-1, W3, Previous #4)
Living proof that fantasy quarterbacks aren't worth a damn. He's 6-1 despite starting David Garrard, Joey Harrington, Matt Leinart, and Jake Delhomme. This week, Shawn calls on the arm of Brian Griese to lead his troops into battle. You have to give Shawn credit here, most GMs would have panicked and made a crappy trade, but Shawn has stuck to his guns and cycled through free agent pickups. Shawn also made the shrewdest move of the season, snatching up Chris Henry weeks before he'd be available to play, at which point he and Carson Palmer will connect for 7 or 8 touchdowns. Take it to the bank!

2. LymeZ Diz-eeZ Nutz (6-1, W4, Previous #5)
The Dizeez Nutz are banged up this week. Both Frank Gore and MoJo Drew suffered injuries in Week 7. Gore should be good to go, Drew looks like a gametime decision is looming. David Garrard is out at least a month, which means Quinn Gray is the new starter down in J-Ville. I make a comment about crappy QBs letting defenses flood the line of scrimmage almost every week on this blog, but isn't this the ultimate "11 men in the box" scenario? What NFL defense is frightened of Quinn Gray??
Donte' Stallworth has caught a TD in each of the last three games and has finally developed a rhythym with Brady despite somewhat of a slow start. I'd be worried about this development, but Wes Welker has 20 catches and 4 touchdowns in the last two games.

3. Hawaii McLovin (5-2, L1, Previous #1)
When Larry Johnson has a bye, and your two starting running backs are ranked in the top 14 (LaMont Jordan, Clinton Portis), I'd say you've got a pretty deep team. Heath Miller has had a great year so far with 4 touchdowns, and playing the Bengals this week, he could easily score 4 more.
The one problem I have with this team (this week anyway) is that three of your players have @NE next to their name. That's not good. It means they're playing the Patriots, at Foxboro, and they're going to get slaughtered. I know they're still your best options, and there's the opportunity for some garbage time TD's (hell, even the Dolphins put up 28 points last weekend), but it's just a scary thought sending 1/3 of your team up against New England.

4. Jabroc Junk Jabbers (5-2, W5, Previous #6)
Birthday boy Richie fullfills his prophesied destiny and has now reached the top 4. His journey is much like that of Lemmiwinks, the Gerbil King. Your lineup this week looks pretty bad honestly, but you've won 5 in a row, and you beat my sorry ass last week, so I'll give you your due props.
Lee Evans finally showed a pulse last week, catching 5 balls for 98 yards.

5. Chicago Bear Grylls (4-3, L1, Previous #2)
I can only hope that the return of Steve Smith, Braylon, and Tomlinson means the rest of my team will be scoring enough points that I don't have to secretly enjoy Adrian Peterson's 90 yard touchdown runs against the Eagles on Sunday. Now I can make an angry face when he scores, and even act sociopathic at my grandmother's birthday dinner on Sunday. Maybe I can kick one of my mom's terriers. Damn things look like mop heads.

6. License To Kim Jong Il (4-3, L2, Previous #3)
Just a feeling: Peyton and Reggie go happy-go-jacky like a donkey eating a waffle on Sunday and hook up for 3 touchdowns. This is not only a must-win game for the Colts, it's a must-destroy game for them. The Colts are too disciplined to let themselves look ahead to the Patriots next week, and at the same time, they'll want to send a message to the rest of the NFL, who has already put them at a distant #2 behind New England this year.
One bright spot for Jordan's opponent this week, the Ball Maulers, is that both of Kim Jong Il's starting running backs have a bye this week, and he'll be filling in with Kenny Watson, Selvin Young, and/or Reuben Droughns.

7. Bisbee Ball Maulers (3-4, W1, Previous #9)
The Hector and Victor automatron predicts 100+ yards and 2 touchdowns a piece for Marshawn Lynch and Willie Parker this weekend. And I don't think that's too far fetched. Lynch plays the Jonathan Vilma-less Jets defense, and Willie plays Cincy.
Despite this weekend's good matchups, I think Bisbee could be headed for a decline in the near future. Mike, I think you'll find it approximately 10 times harder making informed Fantasy football decisions, when you're being presented with questions like "What side dishes should we serve with the beef curtains?" and "What shade of chartreuse best matches my eyes?"

8. Hollidaysburgs' MPJs (2-5, W2, Previous #11)
This is not a drill.
Adam has reached respectability.
Please make your way to the nearest exits, and assist yourself before assisting children.
In the event that Adam wins three straight games, your seat cushion may be used as a floatation device.

9. Delaware Ding Dong Danglers (2-5, W1, Previous #12)
The Homoerotic Adventures Of Groom Hefty: Part 2
I had never experimented with food in the bedroom before, but the way the butter cream from my wedding cake so perfectly complimented Dave's perfectly sculpted buns, I just couldn't resist diving in face first. I hoped the Electric Slide was loud enough so that the rest of the guests wouldn't hear our unbridled lust culminating in one beautiful symbiatic act. It was time to bump uglies. "Grab me by the hair!!!" I squealed, "and call me Justine!" He was all too happy to oblige.
Next Week: Part Three!!
Drew Brees is starting to be good, Plaxico is good, LenDale is plump, but good, blah blah blah.

10. Larry Craig Fritzes (1-6, L4, Previous #7)
So wait...it's not a good thing when you lose the top ranked running back in the league? No, it's really not. I think it's unbelievable that Melvin has the second most points this season and the worst record overall. That's almost impossible. Nevertheless, this is still a pretty good team, and if Rudi Johnson returns to form at all, Melvin could start to make a run towards .500.

11. Pocket T Bags (2-5, L3, Previous #8)
Since Shelby doesn't contribute to this league in any way, I'll refuse to comment on his team.
Is it really that hard to send an email once in a while? I know the Patent Industry is booming now more than ever, but jeepers creepers, you could have been in a coma for the past three months and I wouldn't know the difference.

12. Hairy Areolas (2-5, L4, Previous #10)
Hi Commish!!!! So strange to see you way down here!!!
Fact: Roydell Williams and Mushin Muhammad have both outscored Marvin Harrison this year (yes, I know MarHar was hurt).
Fact: EMPTY is not a good play at starting QB, but at least he won't duplicate Kurt Warner's magical -2.2 point day.
Fact: I giggled like a schoolboy when I saw I could legitimately put you at #12 this week.


Fact: Inspired by the drunken wailings of Baron Von Fritz, the Nittany Lions will prevail on Saturday Night, by a count of 17-14.


Fact: They will then lose to Temple and Michigan State and play in the Galleryfurniture.com Bowl.

Nerdery At It's Peak

A-Rep is apparently upset with my efforts to get LaDainian, Braylon, Carson, and the rest of the Bear Grylls amped up this week, so he's instructed me to post this YouTube video. His words follow...

"The Diz-eez Nutz are gonna make you fall from the power rankings...FOR GOOD!!!!!!!!"

Speaking of the Power Rankings, hopefully they'll be up some time after lunch.

I'm The Best! Around!!!

How do you get up for a massive matchup with a 6-1 team when you're 4-3 and desperately need a victory to keep pace in your division?

Easy. You watch this scene from Karate Kid over and over and over and over.

Back To Business: Week 7 Chumleys

Repucci flashes an ice grill after beating Slimmy and climbing to the top of his division.

OK, enough of this birthday autofellatio nonsense, we's got some work to do. Although I always hate handing these out when I lose, the show must go on. Here are the stars that shone brightest in Week 7.

Game 1: Rich def. Hefty - And the Chumley goes to...
Santonio Holmes, WR, Pit - When in doubt, go with the guy who drove the last nail in the coffin. That's Chumley Tiebreaker Number 5. Due to a whirlwind weekend at State College, I didn't get home until about an hour before kickoff of the Steelers-Broncos game. And since I hadn't yet watched the Eagles debacle, I didn't check any fantasy scores. I watched the game on DVR, and then flipped open my laptop sometime in the second quarter of Steelers-Broncos at which point I was winning by about 4 points. A few minutes into the second half, Santonio caught a touchdown and drove the nail in my coffin. Santonio had a decent game, catching 6 balls for 54 yards and a touchdown. A case could also be made for Andre Davis, but I'm making the executive decision and going with Santonio.

Game 2: Deewaan def. Melvin - And the Chumley goes to...
LenDale White, RB, Ten - LenDale White refused to receive this award after he found out it was inedible. But seriously, LenDale White?! Indeed it's true. LenDale carried 27 times for 104 yards and a touchdown in Sunday's shootout win against the Texans. White piled up 22.5 points for Dave's squad, but wasn't even the most valuable Titan. That would be Rob Bironas, who was 8-8 on field goal tries.
This performance makes me all the more frustrated that we traded up with the Titans in 2006 to take Winston Justice in the second round, while they used our pick to take LenDale. I've always loved the big fella. He's a pile pusher.

Game 3: Aaron def. Slimmy - And the Chumley goes to...
Laver-anus Coles, WR, NYJ - This probably shouldn't count since he was playing the Bengals, but Coles posted 8 catches, 133 yards, and 2 TDs. Coles has quietly put together a nice season, as he now has 6 touchdowns on the year, and has scored 10 or more points in 5 games this season.

Game 4: Adam def. Craig - And the Chumley goes to...
Tom Brady, QB, NE - I suppose 21/25, 354 yards, 6 touchdowns, 0 interceptions is a decent day for a quarterback. But I say that Brady is too one-dimensional to make an impact in the NFL long-term. You want to hear his rushing stats??? 0 carries for 0 yards. Pathetic. Defensive coordinators will soon figure out that all he does is throw the ball, and that's when they'll pull the rug out from under the Patriots offensive scheme.

Game 5: Shawn def. Jordan - And the Chumley goes to...
Randy Moss, WR, NE - Looking back on things, it's pretty unbelievable that nobody else saw this coming. Sure, Moss can be disruptive (read: super black) at times, but there was no way that he wasn't still talented enough to become an elite wideout again. He made Culpepper look like John Elway, and we saw what happened to Pep once he lost Moss. He stunk for a while, then blew out his knee, changed teams twice, and still can't get a grasp on a starting role. With the G-D Raiders!! Meanwhile, Randy's in Cali playing with Kerry Collins and Aaron Brooks and Marques Tuisasopo and Andrew Walter, and we wonder why he's not lighting up secondaries anymore. So then you put him with an established passer, and what happens? Well, he's on pace to destroy the receiving touchdown record and lead a team to 16-0 and a Super Bowl win. Gee, that's all??

Game 6: Mike def. Shelby - And the Chumley goes to...
Cowboys, D/ST, Dal - Although I hate them because 1) they're the Cowboys, and 2) they held Adrian Peterson in check most of the day, you've got to applaud the effort by Big D's Big D. Dallas's D allowed 7 points, and returned a blocked field goal for a touchdown of their own. Even better, they broke Tavaris Jackson's finger on his passing hand, leading towards the inevitable scenario where Kelly Holcomb ends up starting this game and beats us after we traded him away in the preseason.

Congratulations to all the winners, and somebody tell Randy to start getting his acceptance speech ready for the end of the season.

Happy Birthday To Me!!!

This picture's got something for everybody. The sturdy woodwork appeals to Aaron, who was raised by a carpenter. The decadent cake appeals to both our trained and untrained chefs, Matt and Craig. And the shirtless youngster no doubt sends a tingle through Slimmy's dingle.

No, stupids, it's not my real birthday. It's my Blogthday! This marks the 100th posting here on A Little Slap And Pickle!!, which for me is really a landmark occasion. When I started this blog, I was nothing more than a man with a dream to usurp power from the Commissionary Position held by Craig. Now I'm the author of THE most relevant blog on all things Westside FFL. It feels good. It feels damn good.

What do the next 100 posts hold here at ALSAP!!, you're undoubtedly asking yourself? Let's take a peek, shall we??
-Well, hopefully some more featurettes from you and your friends. After all, if you write a blog entry, that means I don't have to!! And that's good. For me.
-The next 100 posts are also guaranteed to included more factual errors, and wishy-washy predictions like last night's, in which I foretold of Peyton Manning struggling, and then with the same stroke of the keyboard, said he'd throw four touchdowns!
-I'll also probably continue to harp on the fact that special teams are of no importance for our purposes, highlighted this week by Nate Burleson's 91 yard kickoff return TD that would have put me within an eyelash of beating Rich.
-You'll also get some more rum-soaked venom towards the Eagles, as their season spirals out of control and I start watching more college football to figure out who they should take with the 6th pick in next April's draft.
-You're sure to get weekly playoff pulses, to see who the lead dogs are in the race for the playoff seats, which I've preliminarily titled "Chase For The Cup!" or "Hunt For December!!" or something I came up with all on my own.
-You'll get some more pictures of Uruk Hai, because the last one was pure freaking gold.
-You'll also get the exciting conclusion to the one, the only, Chumley Awards. As we narrow things down towards the end of the season, one man (I'll probably just give it to Randy Moss) will emerge from the pack and claim what's rightfully his.

So anyway, you circus animals, feel free to heap showers of congratulations on me in the comment section. Leave no stone unturned. My rapist wit, my rugged Brad Childress-esque good looks, my noble deeds. These are all things to be praised today. Have at it, fleabags.

Week 7 Photo Finishes: Colts at Jags

The Commish will need a big day out of Marvin to sneak past Adam's troops.

Well tonight is my proof that Jacksonville actually has a football team. I'll take my first look at the Jags tonight and I'll be paying attention to a couple of things:
1. Is that Jack Del Rio fellow wearing a snazzy suit on the sidelines?
2. Does Fred Taylor still play? Does Stacy Mack still play?
3. If Jacksonville has wide receivers, how come I've never heard of any of them?
4. Who honestly decided this should be a Monday Night football game?

Seriously, not to go overboard with this schtick, but I feel like a total neophyte when it comes to Jacksonville Jaguars football. Hopefully tonight will be an eye opening experience for me. Others of you will have different motivations to watch tonight's game. You want to know if you'll win your game tonight. However, there's no need. I've already looked at the matchups, crunched the numbers, and I've prepared my verdicts. Here they are.

Game 1: Adam (Adam Vinatieri and an 8.5 point lead) vs. Craig (Marvin Harrison)
Marvin apparently could have played back in Week 5 if it were a more meaningful game, and since then he's had a bye week to rest up, so I'm assuming he's at least 90% healthy for this one. It seems like Indy has trouble against Jacksonville and Tennessee every time they play lately, so maybe the matchup isn't as good as you might expect. I also think Jacksonville will be wearing all-black uniforms which could help them blend in with the night skies, thus making themselves translucent to the eyes of Peyton Manning, who might struggle in this one somewhat.
Long story short, I think Harrison probably puts up close to 10 points in this one, but Adam probably hangs on for the win due to Adam V's leg.

Game 2: Shawn (David Garrard and a 68.4 point lead) vs. Jordan (Peyton Manning and Reggie Wayne)
It could happen. Brady put up 55 yesterday, and Peyton has got to be getting somewhat upset with all the attention on Tommy Boy now instead of him. I think Peyton's got a chip on his shoulder, he probably plays very well in this one, but I think he'll spread the ball out amongst Harrison, Wayne, Addai, and Clark. I could see him putting up 4 TD's (one to each of those guys), and although that would be a great fantasy day, it's not enough to dig Jordan out of the hole he's in now. Shawn wins.

Game 3: Mike (65.6 point lead) vs. Shelby (Joseph Addai and Dallas Clark)
Not happening. Mike continues his Cinderella story of love and romance with a victory over Shelbus. To Mike's amazement, after the game ends, we all emerge 40-Year-Old-Virgin-style to belt out a rousing rendition of "The Dawning of The Age of Aquarius".

Oh Thank Heavens (Sorry Melvin)

Cue Nelson Muntz: HAW-HAW!!!!

Well, I alluded to it minutes ago. Now it's official. Ronnie Brown is done for the year.
If this seems like I'm being spiteful for no reason, I hitched my star to Ronnie in both of my leagues last season, when the Fins were being touted as Super Bowl contenders. He sucked, and I dropped him this year in my keeper league so I could hang on to Willis McGahee instead. I was regretting that decision for much of the season until about five minutes ago.

If anybody else would like a complete written transcript of players I hold unnecessary, irrational grudges against, let me know.

Week 7 Round-Up: Bajingos And Sasquatches

What happens when you do a Google Image search for Uruk Hai? Well, you get the greatest picture ever taken, that's what.

Well, I left Mikey's item up front and center a little longer this morning because it entailed some terrific news. But now we're done paying attention to him. It's time to divert our A.D.D. to the Week 7 NFL action, which may or may not have contained the game that finally triples the suicide rate in Eastern PA.
I don't have a lot of time for witty intros, so let's jump right into the axshun and see who played like that giant black Sasquatch, and who bitched and whined like that little blond Bajingo.

BAJINGOS

1. Chris Cooley - He struck fear into my heart only a week ago, topping 100 yards on 9 catches, but where did he go yesterday? 1 catch for 3 yards against the fabled Arizona D. Lucky for Dave, he didn't really need the points.
2. Rudi Johnson - 0 carries for 0 yards (out with a bum hammy), while spot-starter Kenny Watson cashed in on the opportunity with 31 carries for 130 yards and 3 short touchdowns. Even if Rudi returns next weekend, he's in for a rough couple of games, as the Bengals take on division rivals Pittsburgh and Baltimore in the next three weeks. In other Matt Melvin-running-back-related news, Ronnie Brown has a knee sprain, and could possibly be done for the year. That's good news for anybody who had previously made a promise to eat a Peanut Butter and Tampon sandwich if Ronnie finished in the Top 10 among running backs this season. Whew!!
3. Marc Bulger - 3 picks, 2 fumbles, 0 touchdowns, 1.1 fantasy points. St. Louis is horrendous this year no matter who they trot out to play quarterback. But I'm sure the long term deal they gave Bulger during training camp is well worth the investment.
4. Jordan's Sunday Starters - Jordan managed only 38 points through Sunday's game, highlighted most notably by Patrick Crayton's -0.6 point peformance. I TOLD you that guy sucks. It just took him longer than I expected to prove it. Anyway, Neil Rackers put up a -1, the Eagles D added only 3 points, and first round pick Shaun Alexander was good for only 7.1 points. The crazy part? With Manning and Reggie Wayne still to go, even though Jordan's down by 68 points, he's still got some hope tonight.
5. Pennsylvania - Non-fantasy item here, but both the Eagles and Steelers would have won if NFL games were 59 minutes and 50 seconds long instead of 60 minutes.

SASQUATCHES

1. Boston - The Patriots are too damn good, and the Red Sox are too damn lucky. Mike's right, these are the most annoying fans currently on the planet. Tom Brady had another 55 point day, and Wes Welker and Randy Moss are the greatest wide receiver tandem since Rice and Taylor.
2. Earnest Graham - This guy might be the best free agent pickup of the year. With Michael Bennett getting traded to the Bucs last week, some of the talk seemed to suggest that Graham could lose some work. All this talk seemed to have motivated Earnest, who carried 19 times for 92 yards, and caught 13 passes for 99 more yards.
3. Houston's Passing Game - Led by legendary NFL quarterback Sage Rosenfels, the Texans scored 4 times in the fourth quarter through the air, connecting with Andre Davis and Kevin Walter, who were both in Rich and my lineups this weekend. The Texans could be airing it out even more as it sounds like Andre Johnson should be ready to come back any time now.
4. L. Coles - I don't like spelling his entire first name, but L. Coles had himself a monster game, pulling in 8 passes for 133 yards and 2 touchdowns against the Cincinnati defense on Sunday. A good strategy seems to be to start anybody playing the Bengals defense this season. More details on this revolutionary strategy as they become available...
5. Our Boy Mikey - Aww shucks, I'm sentimental. It seems like just yesterday I dropped down on the knee to ask Angiecakes to marry me, and Mike seems to have secured himself a win yesterday, so let's give Mr. Walbert the old Sasquatch award. Ike Hilliard, Anquan Boldin, Marshawn Lynch all seemed to play inspired football after hearing about their fearless leader's plunge towards matrimony. And look at it this way Mike, if you win the league, you'll only have another 95% of that ring left to pay off!!!

Monday Morning Slobbering Yap: 10/22/07

She said yes!

5 Things I Think I Thought That Were

1. I think it's high time to announce to the Westside fantasy football blogging world that I have joined the Dead Men Walking: I'm engaged. I asked Meg on a magical, 94-degree Saturday afternoon in a pumpkin patch. She said yes. Took her to McDonald's for a celebratory soda. Got some Cook's champagne later. Then got runkled like it was Blue/White 2005. Pictures are forthcoming.

2. I think I liked not watching the Eagles on Sunday. Partly was because I was hungover and didn't want to have Bears fans breathing on my ear at the sports bar. Partly because the Eagles are a flaming turd as a whole.

3. I think that Jon's assertion last week that the current top-six teams are pretty much assured a playoff spot is seriously flawed. For one, there are six games left in the Westside regular season. A team like the Cripplers? How long can they sustain with David Garrard or some other band-aid QB? Jordan's ship is close to capsizing. And Jon, even though we genuflect in front of his picking Tomlinson and Peterson, took his third loss. I'm just saying.

4. I think that we upset Ohio State at Beaver Stadium on Saturday night, 24-20. And I also think that, unlike this past Saturday, I won't be drinking several Washington Apples to celebrate. Melvin is correct when he tells me this: Washington Apples are not manly.

5. I think we HAVE to root for the Rockies, right? I mean, can Boston please go eff an alpaca or something. The Patriots are unbeaten, the Celtics have Garnett and the Sox return to the Series, so that I can see idiot New Engladers slobbering all over their sissy Sox clothing and dragging their knuckles as they walk to the concession stand for another hot dog. I hate it. So much worse than those swollen-head Steeler fans.

I Got Nothin

Luckily though, my good friend Jim Gaffigan does.

Have a good weekend and good luck to everyone but Rich!!!

Week 6 Power Rankings

Professor Edmund G. Hefty crunches the numbers and unveils his latest set of rankings.

This is getting tougher from week to week. There is a major power struggle going on at the top of the board, with 6 teams at a 4-2 or 5-1 record. The bottom half of the picture isn't any clearer. The other 6 teams are 1-5 or 2-4. One thing's for sure: if you're in the top 6 this week, it would take a New York Mets-like meltdown to miss the playoffs at this point. And if you're in the bottom six, you need to start making some moves, whether it's making a smart trade, some savvy lineup decisions, or a waiver-wire pickup. The clock is ticking on your season!! Make your move now!!!

On to the rankings.

1. Hawaii McLovin (5-1, W4, Previous #2)
Larry Johnson seems to be getting back on track, last week's 12 yard day notwithstanding. Clinton Portis has answered the questions at the beginning of the season as to whether he'd be overshadowed by Ladell Betts. Jason Campbell has been steady but unspectacular. And the Ambigiously Gay Duo of TJ Houshmandzadeh and Chad Johnson has risen to the occasion, and they currently rank 5th and 6th in our league's scoring.

2. Chicago Bear Grylls (4-2, W1, Previous #4)
Here's the core of my team and their positional rankings: Carson Palmer (4th), LaDainian Tomlinson (1st), Adrian Peterson (3rd), Steve Smith (3rd), Braylon Edwards (4th), Wes Welker (13th). Will it last? Absolutely 100% not. That's why I need to point it out now while I still can. Anyway, if I can offer a condolence to the rest of you, it's this: my success with picking Peterson this year only ensures that I reach for Darren McFadden three rounds too early next year. So, look forward to that.

3. License To Kim Jong Il (4-2, L1, Previous #1)
I'll cut Jordan some slack. I'm guessing not many teams with Peyton Manning and Reggie Wayne won last week, with the Colts on a bye. The super-fun surprise of the season for Jordan has to be the sexy play of Marion Barber, who despite a lousy game Sunday is still the 8th ranked back. The super-crappy surprise for Jordan has to be the sinking stock of Shaun Alexander, who has looked lost the last two weeks without Mack Strong laying bitches out.

4. The Canadian Cripplers (5-1, W2, Previous #3)
I'll be honest, I just can't take any team being led into battle by Joey Harrington seriously. Should I be so brazen as to suggest a trade for a division rival? I shall.
Why not trade one of your bench running backs, like Derrick Ward (whose stock just dropped with the return of Brandon Jacobs) or Deshawn Wynn, or even one of your receivers, like 2 time Chumley recipient Joey Galloway, for a quarterback? Both Delaware and Bisbee could probably part with a quarterback (Roethlisberger, Derek Anderson), and they're dying for help at other positions.

5. Team LymEZ-DizEEEEzz NutZZZ!!!! (5-1, W3, Previous #5)
Aaron, I know it seems like I'm always underranking your team. I apologize. I'm checking out your lineup and it's actually very impressive. Despite not putting up massive amounts of points, you're getting the job done. Even your bench is really a strong group. It's well put together.
While I'm apologizing to you, I'd also like to publicly say I'm sorry for taking so many videos of you when you were nude or partially nude back in Nittany Apts. Looking back at most of my casette tapes, about 70% of the footage I have is of you in some state of undress. The other 30% is animals at the zoo and Josh Colegrove talking about surfing. I don't really know what to say. I was trying to figure out some things back then: Civil or Mechanical Engineering, Chevy Blazer or Dodge Durango, Chicks or Dudes, Playstation 2 or X-Box...anyway, I'm sorry man.

6. Jabroc Junk Jabbers (4-2, W4, Previous #6)
If I were you, I'd start JP Losman over Tony Romo this week. Sure Tony Romo is pissed off and looking for revenge against a defense that allowed Brian Griese to throw 3 touchdowns last Sunday. And sure, technically JP Losman isn't "in the starting lineup." But the Buffalo defense is vicious, and Trent Edwards could get knocked out of the game, only to have Losman come in and throw seven touchdowns. And then you'd feel really stupid.

7. Larry Craig Fritzs (1-5, L3, Previously #7)
Last week would have been a really good time to trade Ronnie Brown. Now he's playing on an 0-6 team that just traded away their best receiver for a second round pick. Look, I'm not saying that a team that starts Cleo Lemon, Marty Booker and Ted Ginn Jr. is no threat to throw the ball effectively, but...yeah. That's exactly what I'm saying. If Ronnie Brown finishes the season ranked in the top 10 (he's currently 2nd) among running backs, I'll eat a Peanut Butter and Tampon sandwich and put the video on YouTube.

8. Pocket T-Bags (2-4, L2, Previously #8)
If I had to put my money on a 2-4 team making the playoffs, it would definitely be Shelby, if only for the fact that most of you would give your foreskin for Edgerrin James and Joe Addai in the backfield. Also, Dallas Clark has been a pleasant surprise, hasn't he? In my keeper/salary cap league this week I traded him and Lee Evans for Eli Manning. I have Tony Gonzalez, so I could do without Clark, and my QB situation was getting dismal (VY and Culpepper). Whatever, you don't care about my other league.

9. Bisbee Ball Maulers (2-4, L2, Previously #9)
I thought long and hard (that's what she said) about who was more deserving of the #9 spot, Mike or Craig. In the end, I like Mike's QB/RB situation better, I like the fact that Mike's got some trade chips (the aforementioned Derek Anderson), and he won't have to deal with T.O.'s crybaby meltdown that's coming after they lose to the Eagles in Week 9 and he gets caught on national TV slapping Wade Phillips right in the manboob.

10. Hairy Areolas (2-4, L3, Previously #10)
The Kurt Warner Era ends!! Boy, that was fun!

11. Holidaysburg's MichaelPJackson (1-5, W1, Previously #12)
Oh snap! A.D.'s on the warpath! Maybe not yet, but it's nice to get out of twelfth, isn't it? Say this about Adam, he's got the best player in the NFL on his team, and that's always a good ace in the hole. The rest of the team is still shallow, the only real trade chips that jump out to me are one of his defenses, but there's at least a glimmer of hope here with Brady.
Now, when you sit down to draft next season, I want you to ask yourself this: "What would my record have been if I took Brian Westbrook in Round 1 (who went one pick later), Tom Brady in Round 2, and anybody but the Ravens defense in Round 4?" Then print your spreadsheet out, take it with you into the bathroom, and wipe your ass with it. Then, and only then, will you be truly ready to draft.

12. Delaware Ding Dong Danglers (1-5, L1, Previously #11)
Get.
Your.
Shit.
Together.
Do you know how embarassing it will be when I have to have the following conversation with my friends????
"Hey guys, this is my best man, Dave. He had the worst team in our fantasy league last year. I know, lame right? Yeah. Super lame. But at least he's got some dynamite nipples."
Then I slap you on the ass and we crash the Father-Daughter dance with a risque Tango that we'd been practicing for weeks, and most "traditional" guests just aren't ready to see. That's when they find out that the tuxedos I ordered weren't real tuxedos, but latex body paint.

Your complaints are welcome in the comments section, as usual.

Week 6 Chumleys: The Mucus Queen Is Yours!

The NFL hasn't seen a neck like that since Merton Hanks roamed the 49ers secondary.

Ah Week 6, we hardly knew ye. It was definitely my favorite football weekend of the young season, with PSU, the Eagles, and both my fantasy teams notching wins. But alas, all good things come to an end. Let's take one last look back and see who's worthy of some well-earned hardware.

Game 1: Shawn def. Craig - And the Chumley goes to...
Joey Galloway, WR, TB - If you had asked me before the season to name some potential 2-time Chumley award winners, I would have given you about 200 other names before I got to Galloway. But now, here in week 6, Galloway has pulled himself into the drivers seat in this MVP race. Joey helped his case on Sunday with a 4 catch, 97 yard, 1 touchdown day to lead all of Shawn's scorers with 18.8 points.

Game 2: Hefty def. Deewaan - And the Chumley goes to...
Adrian Peterson, RB, Min - The rest of the internet seems to be giving this guy his proper ball washing (scroll down to 'Should Peterson Have Been No. 1?' post on that last link), so I'd better get my licks in before it's too late. While I still think it's more likely that he'll get tragically injured before he ever has a game like that again, Peterson was unbelievably good against a Bears defense that, while a little banged up, is still one of the elite defenses in the NFL. His first touchdown run looked like something out of Tecmo Super Bowl, and the other two weren't so bad either. Anyway, Adrian gets the slight nod over Tomlinson and Braylon Edwards this week, and hopefully it won't be his last.

Game 3: Adam def. Shelby - And the Chumley goes to...
Tom Brady, QB, NE - He partially gets the nod due to beating the Cowboys, ending the media-grope-fest that was going on over Tony Romo and Dallas for the past 5 weeks. He also partially gets the nod for playing the best 60 minutes of quarterbacking anybody's slapped together this season (even better than Carson Palmer's 6-touchdown Week 2). 388 yards. 5 TDs. No interceptions. Unbelievable. He kept everybody involved in the offense, going from one star wideout to the next. It was a wildly entertaining game that lived up to the massive hype, and Brady had a lot to do with that.

Game 4: Aaron def. Melvin - And the Chumley goes to...
Donte' Stallworth, WR, NE - Donte' was largely excluded from the Patriots passing game the first 5 weeks of the season, catching no more than 4 balls in any of those games. Well on Sunday, he broke out with 7 catches for 136 yards and a touchdown.
Excuse me for being pessimistic about the Eagles after a win, but would it really have killed us to try to work out a contract extension with this guy? If you wanted Kevin Curtis, that's okay, we still could have taken him, too. Curtis, Stallworth and Reggie Brown would have given us another major weapon to add to our offense which has been comatose in 4 out of 5 games this season. Just frustrating.

Game 5: Rich def. Jordan - And the Chumley goes to...
Tony Gonzalez, TE, KC - Gonzalez has scored over 10 fantasy points in the last four weeks, and now has just 5 points less than Jason Witten, the player he was traded for in our league before the season started. Gonzalez is benefitting from improved play in two out of the past three weeks from Larry Johnson, and the emergence of rookie Dwayne Bowe into the offense as a legitimate threat. The Chiefs are playing better offensively than I would have expected this year, and Gonzalez is showing that he's still one of the best tight ends in the league.

Game 6: Paul def. Mike - And the Chumley goes to...
TJ Houshmandzadeh, WR, Cin - I almost awarded this Chumley to Matt Stover for his 5/5 field goal, 18 point fantasy performance against St. Louis. But ultimately, TJ played well in a comeback rally that fell short (read: garbage time) against the Chiefs. He put up 8 catches for 145 yards and two touchdowns. TJ has caught at least 8 passes in all five of the Bengals games so far, and is second in the NFL in receptions (47) to only Derrick Mason (49), who has played one more game than Housh has.

One more thing...after my 212 point week, I'm feeling extremely generous. I feel like giving you all a gift that has blessed my life in oh so many ways.

Dearest readers, I give you, The Werewolf Bar Mitzvah. If you don't laugh at this, I don't ever want you coming back to A Little Slap And Pickle!! It's not for you.

Week 6 Photo Finishes: Rose Ceremony Edition!

This game has no bearing on your fantasy team. Go watch the Bachelor with a loved one.

So, as you may have noticed, this is a snoozer of a Monday Night game. The Giants and Falcons have one respectable fantasy player between the two of them, and that's Plaxico Burress. Having said that, all of our league's games are decided. So really, don't watch this game. But if the allure of NFL football on a weekday does suck you in, at least you get to root against the Giants. Here are some more productive ways to spend your evening.

1. Lay your outfit out for work tomorrow.
2. Hit the gym, you flabby pile of goo.
3. Watch Indians-Red Sox Game 3.
4. Volunteer at a soup kitchen.
5. Put the finishing touches on your Cal Naughton Jr. Halloween costume.
6. Carve a pumpkin! Give it a spooky face!!! Not too spooky!!!
7. Eat a pumpkin muffin from Dunkin Donuts. Then go hit the gym again.
8. Really, anything but this.

So there you have it. Enjoy your Monday Night without the stress and agony of watching millionaires decide the fate of our 200 dollar "jackpot".

Week 6 Round-Up: Bajingos and Sasquatches

ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?! ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?!?!?!?! IS THIS NOT WHY YOU ARE HERE?!?!

Excuse me if I giggle like a roofied-up cheerleader through most of this post, because as we all know, pride most certainly comes before a fall. However, I can't help but think that the lemon squares with the cryptic note: "It's Deewaan Week. At My Signal, Unleash Hell" that I sent to all my players didn't have a profound effect on the Week 6 NFL landscape.
Several other fantasy teams played well despite the 6 NFL teams on bye this week, along with the never-ending carnage of injuries that has left the quality quarterback pool more decimated than the Barbarian Horde.
Indeed, it was a landmark day for this blogger's favorite whipping boy, Adam Davis, who rode the Ravens D, Tom Brady, and a few other warm bodies to his first victory of the year. Congratulations, Adam.
It was also a good day to be 4-1, as Aaron, Paul and Shawn will all improve to 5-1 after the dust settles on Week 6 tonight. Jordan was not as fortunate, falling to Rich's late-blooming team of juggernaut killbots.

But enough with intros, let's break down some game tape, Jaworski-style, and see who rose up, and played like Maximus, and who cowered in the shadows, and played like Commodus.

BAJINGOS

1. Sammy Morris, Marion Barber III, Julius Jones - Super Bowl XLI-I/II, as it was dubbed by Profootballtalk.com, was the barnburner everybody expected it to be. However, it was dominated by the passing game, with little being done on the ground. Sammy Morris ran 10 times for just 14 yards, and Julius Jones (51 yards) and Marion Barber (47 yards) just didn't have enough opportunities to make a difference in this game, despite their combined 7 yards per carry.
2. Marques Colston - Yes, he had a touchdown, but it was a 2 yard catch, which also happened to be his only one of the day. At a time when Drew Brees finally started clicking (25/36, 246 yds, 2 TDs), it's somewhat surprising to see him and Colston only hook up on one play.
3. Brett Favre - Although he's mostly on this list because I just dislike him, Favre also had a pretty lousy game against the Redskins, tossing for 188 yards and 2 interceptions. Mr. Favre also gets a Lifetime Achievement Bajingo today, for breaking the career interceptions record, despite every member of the media telling us that he's the best quarterback ever to play the game ever ever. However, he does advertise Wrangler jeans, which i find to be both comfortable, and a great bargain.
4. The Ball Maulers - The Boys of Bisbee are on the ropes after another loss to a previously winless franchise. Starting guys like Justin "Fargalicious" Fargas, Aaron Stecker, Jerry Porter doesn't help the cause, Santana Moss's -1.9 point day makes things even worse. Those four combined for a whopping 6.3 points yesterday.
5. Chester Taylor - Taylor had a good day. He rushed for 83 yards on 22 carries. He put up 10.2 fantasy points, even though Adam didn't start him. So his inclusion on this list may be surprising. But here's the thing...he carried 22 times!!! Step aside Chester, and let Purple Jesus fulfill his destiny by carrying the ball 42 times a game.

SASQUATCHES

1. LaDanian Tomlinson - Last week I bemoaned the Chargers scoring 41 points, and have none of them punched in by LT. This week, all 4 San Diego TDs were registered by the reigning MVP. Good to have you back. Having him playing at top speed again is like finding 100 bucks in an old pair of jeans. You had it all along, you just never knew it.
2. Braylon Edwards and Derek Anderson - I'll be the first to admit I was unsure about Braylon Edwards after drafting him this year. He seems like a lazy player, and I was less than thrilled with the Charlie Frye/Derek Anderson/Brady Quinn maelstrom at quarterback. However, Anderson and Edwards make such the fab team!!! Edwards now has 7 touchdowns on the year, putting him one behind Randy Moss for the NFL lead. Anderson also appears to have a firm grip on the starting QB job, letting Brady Quinn learn from the sidelines, which is what Cleveland really wanted for this year anyway.
3. Chris Cooley - Everytime I checked Fantasycast during the early games, Chris Cooley was there, flashing yellow, adding more points to his score. Cooley had 9 catches for 105 and a TD, and is definitely the most dynamic receiving threat that the Redskins have this year.
4. Tony Gonzalez - Not to be outdone, Gonzo put up 9 catches, 102 yards, and 2 touchdowns, breaking the all time record for most touchdowns by a tight end in NFL history. I didn't hear who the previous record holder was, but I'm guessing it's either Mike Bartrum or Shannon Sharpe, who is the reason this blogger once wore number 84 during his playing days as a multi-talented (read: blocking specialist) tight end.
5. Brady's Bunch!! TeeHee!! I came up with that all by myself!!!! - Tom Brady and his receivers put on a serious show yesterday, with Wes Welker emerging as the top beneficiary. All told, the trio of Moss, Welker, and Stallworth accounted for 5 touchdowns on 319 receiving yards. Just an unbelievable passing attack. There is no team in the NFL that has the cornerbacks to stop these guys. In all honesty, you really need 4 lockdown cornerbacks...2 for Moss, 1 for Welker, 1 for Stallworth. The only time they might face a team with 4 good corners is in the Pro Bowl, against the NFC all-stars. Unreal.

Bonus Sasquatch: Maurice Jones-Drew, who despite playing for a team who may or may not actually exist, does indeed have quite the strong pimp hand.

Well there you have it. I sucessfully managed to run down the Week 6 action without releasing my DNA all over the keyboard. And for that, I'm the biggest Sasquatch of them all.

Monday Morning Slobbering Yap: 10/14/07

Do I need to make the connection? Hail Holidaysburg's MPJs!

1. I think that the battle for the last couple of playoff spots is going to be the most heated storyline for the rest of the season. Who can squeeze points out of Amani Toomer, or Santana Moss, or Jerricho Cotchery or Isaac Bruce?

2. I think that, while there will be many takes on Hefty's record-shattering performance, here's mine: The Bear Grylls' 212 points is twice that of Melvin's SAT score.

3. I think that Penn State looked like a real team on Saturday. And that's the most frustrating part. Those brain cramps against Michigan and Illinois now become even more magnified. With the chaos in the Football Bowl Subdivision (really, was Division I such a bad name? Do we need 'FBS'?), the Nits had a prime chance to sneak into a BCS bowl, even after that Michigan debacle. Now if they could just throw the ball down the field every darn week, that'd be nice. On a side note, that Saturday night tilt with Ohio State is looking MIGHTY tasty now.

4. I think this is what I liked about Week 6 of our fabled fantasy escapade:
a. Shawn's shrewd pickup of Chris Henry. Watching Slimmy's deadly duo of CJ and Hoosh tear it up can only mean that Henry's gonna get some grabs. Whether or not those catches come via armed robbery is yet to be determined.
b. Mr. Gisele and Ravens D come through in the clutch for Adam. Who's laughing now? Well alright, it took 6 weeks to materialize into something, but regardless! Congrats to Adam for getting that elusive first victory.
c. Shelby, though in vain, getting points from Eric Johnson. Wow.
d. Maybe this should go into "things I don't like" since I made the smart aleck observation a couple weeks back, but Aaron's team is good. Not lucky. MoJo Drew, your pimp hand is STRONG. Welcome back.

5. I think this is what I didn't exactly like about Week 6:
a. Adrian Peterson farted and got 17 fantasy points as a result.
b. Where has the Bears D gone to?
c. Watching the update of Miami Vice to prepare for the weekend's action was not a great. The film starts out extremely strong, but I kept looking at Colin Farell strutting around in those ridiculous linen suits and wondering why he walks like he dumped in his boxer briefs.
d. Santana Moss. He's like this year's version of Laveraneheusjhsuads Coles for me. If I don't pick him, he goes bonkers. If I pick him, he shreds his groin and plays like he has crisco smeared on his sternum.
e. Having to endure the horrendous Brad Nessler/Bob Griese/Paul McGuire trio while watching the Penn State game. No, really, I was quite curious to learn why Walrus Lips McGuire gets a three-quarter chub while watching Carl Edwards circle around a racetrack. Riveting stuff. Nah, I don't even care that a football game is going on and that some type of analysis of the field action would enrich the broadcast.

Week 5 Power Rankings: Bend It Like Shelby

Miss Spears and our new Number 1 team have a lot in common.

I had a intro paragraph written here about how tough it is to judge teams, how the ball bounces your way one week, and the next it hits you in the ass, etc...
I ended up deleting it because it's cliche and tired. Yes, good teams lose from time to time. Bad teams win (except You Know Who) from time to time. Life goes on. Anyway, what I want to talk about instead of boring cliches is the fact that I just plunked down 40 dollars on FIFA 2008 instead of betting on the Patriots/Cowboys game as mentioned yesterday. As I saw it, when betting on the NFL, two outcomes were possible:
1. Lose. Become enraged.
2. Win. Get excited. Roll winnings over to next week's 'sure thing'. Lose. Become enraged.

You see? Both 1 and 2 had the same endgame. So I did what any logical human would do. I bought a video game of a sport I know little about based on rave reviews from Europeans. FIFA 2002 World Cup was a staple of 3302 Nittany Apts, so I figure 6 years later, the game has to be just as entertaining, if not more so. And if not, maybe I can snoop around online and see if there's a cheat code where David Beckham strips naked after every goal.

On to your Power Rankings. I've included a "streak" stat after each team's record. Helps my case a little bit.

1. Jordan (4-1, W3, Previously #3)
He's number 1 on this list, but he's a very vulnerable number 1. Manning and Reggie Wayne have the week off, Marion Barber plays the Patriots, and Shaun Alexander's personal battering ram, Mack Strong, is retiring after a neck injury. He's ripe for the picking, Rich.

2. Paul (4-1, W1, Previously #2)
He was ineligible to be voted number 1 this week. It's a one-week penalty for staging a walkout. Now let's never discuss it again.

3. Shawn (4-1, W1, Previously #4)
Randy Moss is this year's version of Tomlinson, right? Not that he's far and away the best player in the game, like LT was last year, but when you're playing him, you just wonder, "Well, hopefully they'll just hold him to 80 yards and a touchdown." He's sicknasty and the sky is the limit again this week in his most marquee game of the year.

4. Hefty (3-2, L1, Previously #1)
Welcome back Carson Palmer and Adrian Peterson!! Let's just say the dropoff to Matt Schaub and Jerrious Norwood last week was noticable. That's putting it kindly. Thank God I didn't actually have to watch those full grown fallopian tubes play on Sunday. Thanks for the good players, Mike.

5. Aaron (4-1, W2, Previously #6)
The Steelers D bye will end up costing you dearly. In other news, Maurice Jones-Drew scored a touchdown last week!! Good for him! Jacksonville's a strange team. I don't think I've had any real reason to acknowledge that they exist this season. I don't own any of their players, I don't want any of their players, I don't remember going up against any of their players, and I haven't seen them on TV other than maybe 1 or 2 times on NFL Live highlights. And yet somehow they're 3-1? Totally under my radar.

6. Rich (3-2, W3, Previously #10)
Some interesting stashes on Rich's bench. Does he know something we don't?? Maybe. Why else would Terry Glenn and JP Losman still have a roster spot. Glenn hasn't played a down this year, and JP Losman is:
A: Hurt
B: A Buffalo Bill
C: Crappy when he's not hurt
D: Not necessarily the starter when he's done being hurt.
E: On a bye this week

7. Melvin (1-4, L2, Previously #5)
A quick glance at the Big Fella's lineup shows us that Empty, WR is going for his second straight Chumley this weekend. By week's end, Reggie Williams will probably beat out Empty for the starting spot, but it shouldn't make much of a difference.
***Loud Sirens***
Hey-O! That siren means it's time for "Hefty Gets Pwn3d by an Untalented Wide Receiver!!!" This week's contestant is Reggie Williams of Jacksonville. Let's see if he makes me eat my words just like Jerry Porter and Patrick Crayton did. 60 minutes on the clock, Reggie. Go!!!

8. Shelby (2-3, L1, Previously #7)
Something to celebrate: Shelby is currently #1 on the waiver wire order. It's all going according to plan, isn't it, Shelbs?! We're all just pawns in your brilliant chess game.

9. Mike (2-3, L1, Previously #8)
Not a Typo: Aaron Stecker, RB1.
Also Not a Typo: Kevin Faulk, RB2.

10. Craig (2-3, L2, Previously #9)
The Kurt Warner Era begins! This was actually a really good pickup. Somebody in my other league just paid $65 out of a $500 salary cap to get him.

11. Deewaan (1-4, W1, Previously #11)
If Deewaan beats me, I will come into work with a Domino's Oreo Dessert Pizza Mustache for the entire week. And if I beat him, I will come into work with a Domino's Oreo Dessert Pizza Taint. I can't lose!!!!

12. Adam (0-5, L5, Previously #12)
In my everyday conversations, I've began replacing the word "Twelve" with "Adam". It just feels natural.
"Hey Hefty, how many eggs in a dozen?"
"Adam. There are Adam eggs in a dozen."

The Fiercest Rivalry In All Of Sports

Red Sox-Yankees

Ohio State-Michigan

Duke-North Carolina

Federer-Nadal

Hefty-Deewaan

Jesus Take The Wheel!!

The equivalent activity to most of my previous wagers.

As has been lightly discussed in this space, I briefly dabbled in a compulsive gambling addiction. While I didn't lose, say, $50 to $60 million, I would bet on a LOT of different things. 6-1 odds on Hillary to become President? Sure, why not! 35-1 on Jeb Bush? Well now you're just handing me a fortune!! Survivor: Borneo's on...I can get 5-2 odds that a chick will win. Hmmm, sounds okay I guess. Derrek Lee to win the homerun crown in 2005 (so close), Ryan Howard in 2006 (got it!). AFC over NFC. Over 130.5 yards for Shaun Alexander. You name it, I probably bet it. Especially NFL.
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I consider myself an enlightened fan, but by no means do I have any inside information that would help me fare any better than your standard post-college douche spouting off fantasy stats at the local watering hole. As such, my gambling career was short lived. Too many parlays, too many teasers, too many bets involving the Eagles. It wasn't fun. I wouldn't lose all the time; I had enough good days to make me think I was always one Sunday away from the payday.

Well, after squaloring my near 300 payout on the Ryan Howard bet, I told myself I was done. What was the point? I had cars to pay off, bills to pay, rum to drink, and oh yeah, the credit card debt.
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Well, I've been clean and sober for about 11 months. Until now. This is what an 8-ball of coke must look like to Lindsay Lohan. This is what a freshly bathed 10 year old must look like to Michael Jackson. This is the most unfathomable NFL line I've seen since I've first started paying attention to such things.
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Patriots (-5.5) vs. Cowboys
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Sweet Jumping Jehosophat, are you kidding me?! You might as well cover that sentence in hot fudge and whipped cream. It's unbelievable. Every last nerve ending in my body is telling me to empty the 401K on the Patriots. They can win by a touchdown and still cover?!?!? The Cowboys, in case you haven't watched Sports Center in the last 36 hours, just played on Monday Night, just squeaked by the Bills, and just turned the ball over 6 times to a team that lost its three best defensive players in the offseason (Takeo, Nate Clements, London Fletcher). And now you're telling me that the Patriots are going to win by less than a touchdown? What are you, nuts?!

Well, I'm hanging on by a thread over here. I've been on my online sportsbook, seconds away from clicking on the big red "DEPOSIT" button. I know I'll end up betting this game, and seeing something like "Patriots 28 Cowboys 23 4th 0:00" flash across the bottom of my TV. I can't do it. Stay strong, son.

Without Further Ado, Your Week 5 Chumleys

Bartender, please cut that statue off, it's clearly had too much to drink...

So another week in the rear-view mirror now, and we've got our second straight set of low-scoring affairs. Everybody's now gotten to take their first sip of victory this season, except for You Know Who, and this is when things start getting interesting. The injury list is long and contains many significant names. The key to the rest of the season is making smart lineup decisions and playing the all-important waiver wire like a well-tuned fiddle. Let's see which players were the keys to victory for their teams this weekend.

Game 1: N. Korea def. Chicago - And the Chumley goes to...
Patrick G-D Crayton, WR, Dal. Let's see if you're picking up on a theme here: blog provokes wide receiver generally thought to be crappy, previously-thought-crappy receiver then turns in big time numbers, leads team to victory, receiver wins Chumley, blogger hangs head in excessive amounts of shame. Last week was Jerry Porter's moment in the sun, this week, Patrick Crayton was the one getting his comeuppance. I'd type more about Crayfish, but it's awkward typing around my leg when my foot's in my mouth.

Game 2: Diseased Nuts def. Areolas - And the Chumley goes to...
Steelers D. Last week in the power rankings I made a comment about Nick Folk and the Pittsburgh D. I think my tone was misinterpreted. I was actually commenting that these were two of A-Rep's most important pieces, and questioning the rest of the team. It probably didn't come out as such. Anyway, Blitzburgh stopped the Seahawks dead in their tracks this week, and allowed Aaron to do the same to Craig. This is the Steel Curtain's second Chumley.

Game 3: Canada def. T-Bags - And the Chumley goes to...
Chargers D. Monster game for the Merrimans this weekend. They were able to hold Denver to 3 points in Mile High, and anybody who did the city of Denver emotional damage this weekend is a winner in my book. The Bolts piled on 22 points, which were needed to keep pace with Shelby, whose Patriots D scored 21 points of their own.

Game 4: Jabroc def. Larry Craig - And the Chumley goes to...
Larry Fitzgerald, WR, Ari. What happens when Anquan Boldin isn't around, and Kurt Warner regains his early 2000's form? Well, for Fitzgerald this weekend, it meant 9 catches for 136 and a TD. Leinart went on the IR earlier this week, and it will now be all Warner all the time for Arizona. This can only be good for the stock of Fitzgerald, and eventually Boldin when he returns.
While we're sort of on the topic here, can somebody explain the Leinart-Warner platoon scenario to me? You've got one quarterback who you play when you've got the lead because they run better out of a ball control offense (read: handing off to Edgerrin James and wasting time in the huddle), and one quarterback who you play when you're losing and you need a spark (read: not huddling up, and getting the ball to two of the best WRs in football). So...why not jut play the guy who can leads the comebacks all the time? Theoretically, if he's so good at moving the offense, you wouldn't be playing from behind, would you? I don't know.
Second sidenote: Good to see our boy Rod Hood scoring a touchdown this weekend. I'm sure that made Shelby's day.

Game 5: Hawaii def. Holidaysburg - And the Chumley goes to...
Empty, WR - Let's face it. You don't really deserve a Chumley here since Craig set your lineup. And the fact that you won with 8 active players over Adam's 9 is pretty funny. So let's reward the empty wide receiver spot, who contributed nothing, yet provided us sheer comedy value.

Game 6: Delaware def. Bisbee - And the Chumley goes to...
Plaxico Burress, WR, NYG - Plaxico's been the best WR not named Randy Moss this season, and he continued his asskicking season with 124 yards and TD this weekend in the Battle of New York. If Burress is playing this well with a sprained ankle, the sky is pretty much the limit for him when completely healthy. Then again, before the advent of Aspirin, marijuana was the most widely prescribed medication for pain relief. So...maybe Plax doesn't feel anything anyway.

Congratulations to the two defenses, the three receivers, and of course, Empty.

Glad I Took The Time To Watch Tonight

Time of Fantasy Death: 11:38 PM.