Division Preview 3 of 4: The Dickbags

One week until the NFL season kicks off!!! Let's get the rest of the division previews taken care of.

Holding up that giant noggin? I'm just surprised his neck didn't give out earlier.

CRAIG: I'm worried about Peyton. Like I think he's definitely going to regret playing with a neck injury. Like I think he's going to make it much worse or play badly because of it. There were a bunch of times late in Favre's career where he tried to gut out injuries because he was a tough guy who had to play every game, but the fact that he was injured hurt his team worse than him sitting out and letting a healthy backup play. Peyton's going to have a rough season. Like outside of the top 15 quarterbacks. I'm calling it right now.

Now having said that, I'll admit that's awfully hunchy of me and not a good reason to say Craig misses the playoffs. In fact, there's enough pieces on the roster (including backup Ryan Fitzpatrick who can be good in streaks) that a playoff run is still likely. I don't love Craig's starting running backs but I'm guessing most people would take them over my two guys. It's a deep crew here, and guys like Lynch and Pierre Thomas can always spot start for a few weeks. One spot where Craig shouldn't have to do much lineup tweaking is at WR, where he spent two top picks on Andre Johnson and Larry Fitz. That's an incredible 1-2 punch, especially in our scoring format. I'm not ready to declare Craig the division favorite here, so let's move on.

Jeremy Maclin, seen here in full pads after his drastic offseason weight loss.

MELVIN: I was watching Sports Center last night and somebody said Philip Rivers should be the #1 fantasy pick. Obviously that's stupid and that guy lost all credibility right then and there, but think about it: quarterbacks always score the most points. Would you be surprised one bit if Rivers was the top scoring QB? He could be the top scorer in the league. Intriguing. Chris Johnson was a great pick for Melvin a round later than he should have been, and although right now he's a holdout, these things almost always work out with the guy getting some sort of deal and playing. Vincent Jackson last year was the exception, not the rule. Ahmad Bradshaw is the fantasy football equivalent of a high-fiber diet; a solid, dependable number 2. Let's play word association with the WRs. Colston - Declining. Maclin - IV drip. Malcom Floyd - Unproven. Braylon Edwards - Frustrating. Jerome Simpson - Bengal. Earl Bennett - Waiver wire. Yeah, I don't like these guys. Next?

Wow, you're right Coach. Those are some incredibly big TD's!

DAVE: Maybe the worst thing to happen to Matt Schaub is the Texans' attempt to fix their defense this offseason. Schaub was awesome BECAUSE the defense in Houston was so bad. Every game seemed like a garbage-time shootout. Hopefully Schaub can still get the ball in his hands late in the game because that's a fantasy goldmine. MoJo is a pretty good consolation prize for picking last, but the RB2 situation is dire from where I sit. Shonn Greene, Joe Addai, Danny Woodhead are going to have to be a patchwork quilt to try to get production out of this spot. Love the WRs here, Megatron and the Good Mike Williams are touchdown magnets, and even though Welker is banged up, Dave made a lot of smart picks late who could all play WR3 (Julio Jones, Amendola, Nate Washington always has a good game or two) if Welker misses time. Good squad. Jimmy Graham is an intriguing pickup who SAW SOME BIG TD'S late in the season. Pretty solid team. If I were the GM, I'd look to swap out some WR depth for an upgrade at RB2.

YOUR 2011 DICKBAGS DIVISION CHAMPION: Let's look at some facts. Dave is habitually terrible at managing his team over the course of a season, and Craig always makes three or four smart moves along the way to add useful pieces and get himself a playoff spot. But if I had to pick one of these three rosters to go into the season with, I'm picking Dave's. This is a solid roster with less question marks (in my mind) than either of the other two teams, and I don't think it will need a lot of tinkering along the way. Dave wins the division title with Craig nipping at his heels.

Craig's Reign of Terror Ends

The King of BBH couldn't handle my hotness on the Bighorn Sheep round.

It took a few games, but I finally knocked off the champ at some Big Buck Hunter on Saturday Night. It's clear, I just can't hack it on the Whitetail and Elk rounds, but I pwn3d myself some Rams. Good times.

I think I won by 12 points, which is pretty much the narrowest victory margin in BBH history.

Grade The Trade: 10/25/07

BREAKING NEWS: The Hairy Areolas and The Larry Craig Fritzes have announced a three player trade. The Craigger will send Ahman Green (old) and Fred Taylor (weak, old) to Melvin, in exchange for Dwayne Bowe (Kansas City receiver).

From Melvin's Perspective - Ahman Green hasn't had a good game since Week 2. Fred Taylor hasn't had a good game since 2002. It's no secret that I err on the side of youth when it comes to running backs. I'd rather take my chances on a hot rook than dabble with a has-been. When it comes to fantasy running backs, there just aren't that many cougars in the league. It's best to hit up the young flesh and hope for the best. It's fitting that Taylor and Green are 38 and 39 in scoring amongst running backs this year. I believe that's also their age.
Honestly, I understand that with Ronnie Brown going down for the season, you definitely need some help at RB, but at the same time, these guys should not be starting for you. They're most likely your third and fourth option, and while I'm all for stocking your bench with potential talent, you are 1-6 and this trade does not solve any of your most pressing needs.

From Craig's Perspective - Let me take a wild guess. This isn't what you had in mind when you drafted Marvin Harrison, Terrell Owens and Javon Walker in rounds 2, 3, and 4, is it? Instead you're trading away two running backs for a rookie wide receiver who plays for one of the least threatening offenses in football. To his credit, Bowe has developed nicely, he's actually the 12th ranked receiver, and has fared no worse than 40 yards or a touchdown in any game so far. While I'm leery of any Chief, this seems to be their number one wide receiver, and so long as LJ and Gonzo are keeping up with expectations, Bowe should continue to find single coverage in the secondary. While I'm 99.9% sure that he won't be able to keep up his pace and finish in the Top 12 overall, it looks like you've gotten your new WR3 while Javon heals up.

The Winner: Craig, by the slightest of edges.

Commissioner Craig's Cinema Critic Corner Column!

Disclaimer: Movies reviewed may or may not include 'Just My Luck'

Editor's Note: When the Commish speaks, it's my job to post his words. Here's some...um...movies he thinks you should watch.
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What the heck do you do on the two nights a week when there are no football games? You watch movies!!

The Lookout - Starring Jeff Daniels, Joseph Gordon-Levitt (10 Things I Hate About You) and Ilsa Fisher (Wedding Crashers)
The tale of a brain-damaged twenty-something talked into helping rob a bank by his new, mysterious friends.
This movie starts out a little slow, but really picks up in the last 1/3. The action isn't overly intense, but it's enough to keep you entertained and wonder what you'd be like if your wires were crossed.

Slovenly Couch Potato Grade: B+

Hot Fuzz - Starring Simon Pegg and Nick Frost (Both of Shawn of the Dead)
The boys from uproarious Shawn of the Dead are back for a try their hands at a cop/caper movie. Nicholas Angel (Pegg) is an overachieving officer in London that is so good at his job, he makes everyone else look bad. They ship him off to the quiet town of Sanford to be a desk jockey, but strange happenings are afoot. I'll be honest. This movie was completely different than what I expected. I think it is still very good, but don't expect a slap-stick comedy that the previews portrayed. A mix of satire, creepiness and action make it a dynamo of a movie that finishes with a bang.

Slovenly Couch Potato Grade: A- (Girls like it zero)

Mock Lobster: Craig Fritz (Pick #9)

It's the greatest job in all of sports; lining up directly behind Tom Brady's firm, tight, glutes; listening intently for his approval to come charging towards him; and bursting towards the hole as your eyes finally meet. If it were me, I'd weep after every single play.
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Mock Draft Pick #9: Craig Fritz selects Laurence Maroney, RB, NE

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2006 Rushing Stats: 175 carries, 745 yards, 6 touchdowns

2006 Receiving Stats: 22 catches, 194 yards, 1 touchdown

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Laurence Maroney had a solid rookie year, learning the ropes from Corey Dillon, who has since retired. New England's offense has undergone a major overhaul this offseason, welcoming in the likes of Randy Moss, Donte Stallworth, and Wes Welker. The Patriots look phenomenal on paper this season, which could mean a lot of early leads and second half carries for Maroney. Laurence is currently nursing injuries but is on track for a return by opening day. As an added bonus, Maroney has also gained an incredible amount of popularity on the internet for his coining of the phrase "construda", which can best be documented on Kissing Suzy Kolber. I would expect Laurence to greatly improve on his yardage totals now that he's a one man show in the backfield, but the amount of weapons Tom Brady has to work with could ultimately limit his touchdowns.

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Fun fact: Laurence Maroney's areola hair is also dreadlocked, making him a perfect fit on Craig's roster.

Break It Down: The 2007 Penn State Nittany Lions - Chapter 3

Craig's crystal ball says PSU is going to the Tostitos Fiesta Bowl.

If that's true, I'm definitely wearing/eating a nacho hat during the game.

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Editor's Note: The following is the next installment of the PSU 2007 season preview. Once again, our sherpa through the Happy Valley is none other than Kaiser Craig von Fritz.

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PSU Game by Game Predictions – By the Commander

#18 PSU vs. Florida International – Sept 1, 12pm, Big Ten Network (BTN) – The Golden Panthers come to town following a remarkable 0-12 season that was made even worse by a high publicized brawl with cross-town foe Miami. They gave up an average of 300 yds/game. Expect more of the same when they visit the Beav. The Lions light it up early and often.

PSU 40 FIU 6

#18 PSU vs. Notre Dame – Sept 8 – , 6pm, ESPN – The Golden Domers visit Happy Valley for the first time in over a decade in one of the most anticipated match-ups of the young season. The Lions will be hungry for revenge after facing a 41-17 whipping at the hands of Fat Charlie and Co. in 2006. The tables are turned now, however. The Irish lost their top QB, RB and top 3 WRs. A work-in-progress offense will find scoring difficult against a stout Nittany Lions defense. Though their running game is formidable, ND’s turnstile at the QB position will limit them through the air. Expect a raucous crowd for a game that might break the all-time attendance record at Beaver Stadium. ND keeps it close until the 3rd, but a costly turnover helps the Lions win going away.

PSU 31 ND 18

#16 PSU vs. Buffalo – Sept 15, 12pm, BTN – The Bulls managed a paltry two victories last season and one came in overtime against fellow cellar dweller, Temple. Likely the worst defense the Lions will face all year gave up 390 yds/game and 56 touchdowns a year ago. I expect the 2nd and 3rd teamers for the Lions to get significant playing time in this contest. The final will never be in doubt.

PSU 52 UB 3

#16 PSU @ #5 Michigan – Sept 22, TBA, ABC/ESPN – The Lions return to their personal house of horrors where even the invincible will of Michael Robinson bowed to the mighty Wolverines. PSU is 3-9 against Michigan since joining the Big10, losing the last 8 games in a row. Many are touting UM as a contender for the national championship, and they certainly have the weapons to be right there. The question mark remains the defense. A team that was exposed at the end of last season and lost three major playmakers in Lamar Woodley, Leon Hall and Alan Branch has large holes to fill. Linebacker Sean Crable is a beast, but can be contained. The game will be won or lost in the trenches were the Nit’s young defensive line will have to contend with a Wolverines offensive line that features future first round pick, Jake Long. PSU has chances late, but can’t dig out of the hole made during the first three quarters.

PSU 18 UM 24

#21 PSU @ Illinois – Sept 29, TBA (BTN likely) – The spunky Illni put a scare into the Lions last year at Beaver Stadium. Not the case this year. Even with all-everything QB Juice Williams and highly regarded freshman wideout Arrilious Benn, the Lions put the game away early in the 3rd quarter. Williams’ erratic nature and poor decision making won’t fair well against PSU’s ball-hawking secondary. The defense leads the charge by forcing three turnovers.

PSU 31 Ill 17

#18 PSU vs. Iowa – Oct 6, TBA (ESPN2 likely) – The Hawkeyes rotate back on to PSU’s schedule after two years away. They couldn’t have picked a worse time to be breaking in a new quarterback and new wide receivers. Iowa suffered through their worst season in some time winning only two conference games while posting embarrassing losses against Minnesota, Indiana and Northwestern. Expect a more cohesive and tough unit this year, but it’s still not enough to come into the Beav and walk out with a win. Kirk Ferentz has owned JoePa in recent years, but Joe gets back with a vengeance in 2007.

PSU 24 Iowa 13

#16 PSU vs. #4 Wisconsin – Oct 13, 3:30pm, ABC (Homecoming) – This is a game that will likely determine if the Nittany Lions are going to be BCS bowling or be headed back to Florida for another showdown with a mid-level SEC team. The Badgers far exceeded expectations a year ago by going 12-1 and beating Arkansas in the Capital One Bowl. They return 18 starters including RB sensation P.J. Hill who became the fifth Badger freshman to break the 1,000 yd mark. However, the players the lost will be difficult to replace. Offensive lineman Joe Thomas left as the #3 overall pick of the Cleveland Browns. UW also lost 3-year starting QB John Stocco. Though he leaves the reigns of the offense in the capable hands of 5th-year senior Tyler Donovan, he will be difficult to replace. If the Lions are able to shut down Hill, they should be able to come away with a victory. Expect this to be the most physical game the Lions play all season.

PSU 16 UW 13

#8 PSU @ Indiana – Oct 20, TBA (BTN likely) – The Hoosiers are back on the schedule after a two-year hiatus. Devastated by the loss of coach Terry Hoeppner to cancer, IU will have a tough time hitting it’s stride against the upper-tier of the Big10. The Hoosiers so some fight, but turnovers and lack of athletes show by mid-way through the 2nd half. Morelli puts up big numbers against an out-gunned secondary.

PSU 44 IU 20

#8 PSU vs. # 13 Ohio State – Oct 27, 8pm, ABC – This emerging rivalry often favors the home team, so it’s a good thing the game is in State College. The Buckeyes are coming off a run to the national championship game, but have major holes to fill. Gone are top offensive producers Troy Smith, Ted Ginn, Antonio Pittman and Anthony Gonzales. Significant losses on the DLine also leave much in doubt. By this point in the season, the Lion’s D will be clicking on all cylinders. Look for the front seven to harass yet another new QB coming into Beaver Stadium. If Penn State can keep stud RB Chris Wells in check, the Bucks will be in for a long night.

PSU 26 OSU 19

#6 PSU vs. Purdue – Nov 3, TBA (ESPN2/BTN) – Penn State shut down Purdue’s gimmick offense a year ago in West Lafayette. While they won’t earn a shutout, expect more of the same from the Lions. Meanwhile, the Boilermaker’s defense is simply terrible and gave up over 400 yds/game a season ago, ranking in the bottom 20 of the entire NCAA. After a tough end of September and October, this game is a nice start to the last month of the season. Look for Austin Scott to go over 1,000 yds for the season in this game.

PSU 38 Pur 14

#6 PSU @ Temple – Nov 10, TBA (BTN likely) – The Owls were Penn State’s second shutout victim a year ago. Unfortunately for Temple fans and coach Al Golden, 2007 holds more of the same. Temple will be a MAC team this year, but still have less than 4 wins to show for their move to a lower conference 3 years after getting kicked out of the Big East. Look for the Lions to score early and often in this game being played at Lincoln Financial Field in Philadelphia. It’s over by halftime and we all go to Atlantic City for strippers and blackjack.

PSU 52 Temple 9

#6 PSU @ Michigan State – Nov 17, TBA (ESPN/ESPN2 likely) – PSU rolls into East Lansing having taken the last three games from the Spartans in convincing fashion. Though new coach Mark Dantonio brings new enthusiasm to the MSU faithful, they simply lack the athletes to run with Penn State. This game will be closer than it should be, but the Lions wrap up their 2nd Big10 Conference title in 3 years by closing out Sparty late.

PSU 27 MSU 21

#6 PSU vs. #7 Auburn – Jan 2, 8pm, FOX – After tying with Wisconsin for the Big10 crown, PSU gets bumped out of the Rose Bowl to the desert to play the Auburn Tigers in the Fiesta Bowl. Penn State’s first trip to Arizona since thumping Tennessee in 1992 brings two teams with very similar make-ups. Both sport experienced, senior quarterbacks and both have athletic fast defenses. This one comes down to turnovers and the Lions prevail in that battle as they have all season. Justin King announces his early entry in the NFL draft days after the bowl.

PSU 28 AU 25

Final record: 12-1
Final ranking: #4

Break It Down: The 2007 Penn State Nittany Lions - Chapter 2

At least Drew Brees turned out to be a good NFL player!

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Editor's Note: Back by popular demand, the Craigmissioner is back with part deux of the PSU season preview. Once again, he's chasing down the scoop on our Nittany Lions, with today's piece focusing on the defense. Maybe one of these days he'll actually do a game-by-game break down like I asked him to do in the first place. Or maybe not! Enjoy.

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PSU Defensive Season Preview – By the Commander


Now that we’ve covered the offense surrounding Joe Paterno’s 42nd campaign, let’s have a look at the defense.

Tom Bradley has silenced critics that emerged during the dark years of Penn State and fielded his 3rd nasty defense in a row last season. This year figures to be more of the same with a unique combination of youth and experience highlighting this year’s unit.

Key losses: - Paul Posluzny, LB, 2nd round pick of the Buffalo Bills (34th overall) left dear old state as the all-time leader in tackles. He was a two-time All-American and the first junior captain at PSU since 1967. What he lacked in physical ability, he made up for with pure instincts and supreme football knowledge. It’s never easy to replace a player that will go down as a top 5 all-time linebacker at Linebacker U. Look for a three-way battle between RS Fr Navarro Bowman, RS So Jerome Hayes and RS Junior Tyrell Sales to fill the third LB position.

The Defensive Line: Jay Alford (3rd round pick, New York Giants); Tim Shaw (5th round pick, Carolina Panthers); and Ed Johnson anchored a line that finished second in the Big 10 in sacks and caused havoc for opposing QBs and RBs all season with 30 tackles-for-loss. All three will be difficult to replace.

Key Retunees: - Dan Connor, SR, MLB, will shift inside and take over for Posluzny. This is a similar move to Posluzny moving inside for ’06. The difference is Dan’s natural position is at the middle backer spot. Connor is only 98 tackles away from breaking Paul’s tackle record just a year later. Barring injury, he should easily pass it having amassed 113 stops in 2006. Look for Connor to be named a captain as one of only 5 seniors on the entire squad. He’s on the watch list for just about every major defensive award out there.

Sean Lee, JR, OLB, continues his own assault on the Penn State record books. He totaled 90 tackles as a sophomore and filled in admirably for an injured Posluzny in the 2006 Orange Bowl against Florida State. Lee is fast and aggressive and will be a force both rushing the passer and dropping into coverage. His one interception last year was a doozy, as he dove out of bounds to snare a ball and still kept both feet in play. Look for Lee to be all over the field this fall.

Maurice Evans, SO, DE, got a ton of PT last year as a freshman. Added weight and a non-stop motor will make him tough to stop. He anchors a defensive line fraught with massive talent and relatively little experience. The season could hinge on the young line’s ability to disrupt the QB. Expect major contributions from RS Jr Josh Gaines (DE) and sophomores Abe Koroma (DT); Phil Taylor (DT); Ollie Ogbu (DT); Jared Odrick (DT); Aaron Maybin (DE); and Tom McEowen (DT).

Nearly the entire secondary is back, highlighted by future 1st round draft pick Justin King. Though he only had one interception, King shut down three All-American receivers last year in Ted Ginn, Jr., Robert Meachem and Jeff Samardzija, allowing them each just over 39 yds/game. Along with King, cornerback Tony Davis returns and shifts to the safety position vacated by graduated Donnie Johnson. Sophomore AJ Wallace, an ace in the return game and explosive offensive threat takes over at left cornerback. Free Safety, Anthony Scirrotto returns a year after leading the Big 10 in interceptions with six. Though his future with the team is somewhat in question following an off-season, off-campus brawl, Scirotto will play until his legal status changes. His trial date is tentatively scheduled for October, though the Centre County DA has had trouble coming up with a solid case against Anthony. Cornerbacks Lydell Sergeant, Willie Harriot, Knowledge Timmons and Devin Fentress will vie for the nickelback role.

Defense returning starters: 6

Get To Know Your Leaguemates: Craig

Cuz the eyes of a ranger are upon you...any wrong you do he's gonna see...

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Craig's Fast Facts:

1. Outlasted challenges by Mike, Shawn, and Jon on his blood-drenched road to regaining his commissionership.
   
2. Gave serious consideration to making "Defensive Backs Coach" and "Hot Dog Vendors" draftable positions in the upcoming season.
   
3. Sent the last two league members, Kurt Gehman and Neil Bajpayee, to classified state sanctioned "work camps". They have not been heard of since.
   
4. Was voted "Most Likely To Once Again Get Ridiculed For Selecting Vincent Jackson" by a group of his peers. (Honestly, now that Vincent Jackson is being projected as a Fantasy factor, I'd be devestated if Craig didn't end up with him. I think we should just let Craig take him. It might appease him, and ease his fury.)
   

Break It Down: The 2007 Penn State Nittany Lions - Chapter 1

The picture tells the joke for me! Thanks, picture!
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Disclaimer: This is the first of what I hope to be a series of guest posts here on Kissing Kerry Collins. Today we have the privilege of being walked through the upcoming Nittany Lions season. Well, the offense anyway. Your tour guide is the Commissioner himself, Herr Fritz. You better be standing and saluting.

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PSU Offensive Season Preview – By the Commander


Last year the Lions faced some tough sledding in losing to the all four marquee opponents on their schedule with tough road games at OSU, Wisc and ND. The team also got smacked at home by Michigan in a game that the score appeared much closer than the contest actually was.

A sign of promise came in the Outback Bowl where the Nits held Tennessee and their much ballyhooed QB, Erik Ainge in check for a solid bowl win and the 22nd of Paterno’s career.

The 2007 Lions return what may be their most athletic team this decade and what might be the best defensive back seven in the entire Big Ten. But first, a look at the offense.

Key Offensive Losses: Levi Brown, LT – 1st round pick (5th overall) of the Arizona Cardinals. Though Brown suffered through a knee injury and missed 2 games in ’06, he was an absolute road-block and protected Morelli’s blind side.

Tony Hunt, RB – 3rd round pick of the Philadelphia Eagles. Hunt finished his senior season as the 2nd leading career rusher in Penn State history. His bullish running style and quiet yeoman-like attitude earned him a sacred place in Nittany Lion lore. His 1,720 total yards and 14 total touchdowns will be difficult to replace.

Key Offensive Returnees: Anthony Morelli, QB – Morelli struggled with a TD/INT ratio of 14:8 and often looked lost behind a make-shift oline all season. His performance in the Outback Bowl and newly assumed leadership has him poised for a breakout season.

AQ Shipley, C – Shipley is a weight room beast and the anchor of an offensive line that promises more continuity than last season with 3 returning starters. Shipley is on the Rimington Trophy Watch List for the nation’s best center.

Andrew Quarless, TE – Quarless opened eyes as a true freshman with his ability to separate from often slower defenders and get open in the middle of the field. He caught two touchdowns as a freshman, one in the Outback Bowl. Expect big things from Quarless. He has the opportunity to be the best PSU tight end since Kyle Brady. Quarless is on the Mackey Award Watch List for the nation’s best tight end. Only 3 other sophomores are on the list.

Austin Scott, RB – Scott came to Penn State in 2003 with expectations higher than Willie Nelson. After spending time battling injuries, Paterno’s doghouse and a rarely seen senior year redshirt, Scott is poised to take over as the Lion’s leading rusher. Word from the scout team is Scott was the toughest runner the first team defense faced during the 2006 season. Look for a big year from him if he’s able to stay healthy. Senior Rodney Kinlaw and RS Freshman Evan Royster will see carries behind him.
ALL WRs - The entire wide receiving corps is back. Juniors Derrick Williams, Jordan Norwood and Deon Butler lead the way with 5th year senior and likely captain Terrell Golden helping out. Watch out for super sophomore Chris Bell who wowed fans at the Blue/White game. He’s big and fast and a great red-zone threat. Butler set Penn State’s single game receiving record last year against Northwestern.

Offense returning starters: 8

All Hail Commissioner Fritz!

General Idi Amin-Fritz demands your complete loyalty.

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Good luck this year Craigger, we're all pulling for you!!!