Movie Review: Apocalypto!

Starring Maurice Jones-Drew as Jaguar Paw.

Tonight you get a twofer, which means you'll also read my reaction to the movie Apocalypto, brought to you by Starz! On Demand. The HEAVY plot discussion below means I must now provide a **Spoiler Warning**

Overall I loved this movie. It had wilderness survival, which is why I love Man Vs. Wild. It had gruesome over the top blood spurting deaths, which is why I love Dawn Of The Dead. It had historical significance, which is why I love Saving Private Ryan.

For the first 125 minutes of this 130 minute film, this movie is rocking the shit. It tells a cool little backstory of the protagonist and his tribe, showing you how quaintly, yet viciously, they live. Then all of the sudden, people who look exactly like the guys you're supposed to be cheering for show up and burn shit down and start lopping off heads. The next hour is a brutal trip into the life of a hostage ultimately being led to the slaughter. When they arrive at their destination, a giant Mayan temple, they are lined up for a human sacrifice. The main character, Jaguar Paw, is about to get the axe when all of the sudden, a solar eclipse happens!!

I think to myself..."HA!! That's neat! I know that I've heard tales of ancient tribes being completely confounded at the workings of eclipses! What a clever way for our hero to escape certain death!". Such a gimmick works (READ THIS CAREFULLY, MOVIE EXECS) one time and one time only in a film. After that, it's stupid.

The next hour or so is basically a glorified snuff film, as we follow Jaguar Paw through the jungle as savages hunt him down. They can't catch him, he kills them off one by one, blah blah blah, you've seen this in every movie ever made starring a WWE wrestler. But anyway, it's at least compelling how they did it. It's one thing to watch the main character shoot his pursuers with an AK47, it's a totally different experience watching him off them with poisoned toads, boar traps, and panther maulings. Very cool stuff.

So now we're down to just Jaguar Paw and two dudes chasing him. He makes it to the shore and it looks like he's out of gas. His captors get ready to do him in, but what happens??? THE EFFING SPANIARDS SHOW UP.

I'll repeat this, since it's stupidity cannot possibly be understated.

THE SPANISH CHOOSE THE SECOND MOST CLIMACTIC MOMENT IN THIS YOUNG MAN'S LIFE TO DISCOVER THE NEW WORLD. PLEASE KEEP IN MIND THAT THE MOST CLIMACTIC MOMENT IN THIS YOUNG MAN'S LIFE HAPPENED JUST HOURS EARLIER, WHEN A SOLAR ECLIPSE WAS THE ONLY REASON HE WAS SPARED FROM CERTAIN DEATH.

Now, a quick Wikipedia check says that total solar eclipses only happen on any one spot on earth approximately every 370 years. So not only did one of this guy's two closest encounters with death happen on a precise minute out of a possible 194,472,000 (yes I just did that math), but the other one happened during the ONLY hour or so in human history that Europeans succesfully emigrated to the Yucatan Peninsula for the first time.

Lazy, lazy ending. Other than that, great movie. B+.

Commissioner Craig's Cinema Critic Corner Column!

Disclaimer: Movies reviewed may or may not include 'Just My Luck'

Editor's Note: When the Commish speaks, it's my job to post his words. Here's some...um...movies he thinks you should watch.
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What the heck do you do on the two nights a week when there are no football games? You watch movies!!

The Lookout - Starring Jeff Daniels, Joseph Gordon-Levitt (10 Things I Hate About You) and Ilsa Fisher (Wedding Crashers)
The tale of a brain-damaged twenty-something talked into helping rob a bank by his new, mysterious friends.
This movie starts out a little slow, but really picks up in the last 1/3. The action isn't overly intense, but it's enough to keep you entertained and wonder what you'd be like if your wires were crossed.

Slovenly Couch Potato Grade: B+

Hot Fuzz - Starring Simon Pegg and Nick Frost (Both of Shawn of the Dead)
The boys from uproarious Shawn of the Dead are back for a try their hands at a cop/caper movie. Nicholas Angel (Pegg) is an overachieving officer in London that is so good at his job, he makes everyone else look bad. They ship him off to the quiet town of Sanford to be a desk jockey, but strange happenings are afoot. I'll be honest. This movie was completely different than what I expected. I think it is still very good, but don't expect a slap-stick comedy that the previews portrayed. A mix of satire, creepiness and action make it a dynamo of a movie that finishes with a bang.

Slovenly Couch Potato Grade: A- (Girls like it zero)