Movie Review: Apocalypto!

Starring Maurice Jones-Drew as Jaguar Paw.

Tonight you get a twofer, which means you'll also read my reaction to the movie Apocalypto, brought to you by Starz! On Demand. The HEAVY plot discussion below means I must now provide a **Spoiler Warning**

Overall I loved this movie. It had wilderness survival, which is why I love Man Vs. Wild. It had gruesome over the top blood spurting deaths, which is why I love Dawn Of The Dead. It had historical significance, which is why I love Saving Private Ryan.

For the first 125 minutes of this 130 minute film, this movie is rocking the shit. It tells a cool little backstory of the protagonist and his tribe, showing you how quaintly, yet viciously, they live. Then all of the sudden, people who look exactly like the guys you're supposed to be cheering for show up and burn shit down and start lopping off heads. The next hour is a brutal trip into the life of a hostage ultimately being led to the slaughter. When they arrive at their destination, a giant Mayan temple, they are lined up for a human sacrifice. The main character, Jaguar Paw, is about to get the axe when all of the sudden, a solar eclipse happens!!

I think to myself..."HA!! That's neat! I know that I've heard tales of ancient tribes being completely confounded at the workings of eclipses! What a clever way for our hero to escape certain death!". Such a gimmick works (READ THIS CAREFULLY, MOVIE EXECS) one time and one time only in a film. After that, it's stupid.

The next hour or so is basically a glorified snuff film, as we follow Jaguar Paw through the jungle as savages hunt him down. They can't catch him, he kills them off one by one, blah blah blah, you've seen this in every movie ever made starring a WWE wrestler. But anyway, it's at least compelling how they did it. It's one thing to watch the main character shoot his pursuers with an AK47, it's a totally different experience watching him off them with poisoned toads, boar traps, and panther maulings. Very cool stuff.

So now we're down to just Jaguar Paw and two dudes chasing him. He makes it to the shore and it looks like he's out of gas. His captors get ready to do him in, but what happens??? THE EFFING SPANIARDS SHOW UP.

I'll repeat this, since it's stupidity cannot possibly be understated.

THE SPANISH CHOOSE THE SECOND MOST CLIMACTIC MOMENT IN THIS YOUNG MAN'S LIFE TO DISCOVER THE NEW WORLD. PLEASE KEEP IN MIND THAT THE MOST CLIMACTIC MOMENT IN THIS YOUNG MAN'S LIFE HAPPENED JUST HOURS EARLIER, WHEN A SOLAR ECLIPSE WAS THE ONLY REASON HE WAS SPARED FROM CERTAIN DEATH.

Now, a quick Wikipedia check says that total solar eclipses only happen on any one spot on earth approximately every 370 years. So not only did one of this guy's two closest encounters with death happen on a precise minute out of a possible 194,472,000 (yes I just did that math), but the other one happened during the ONLY hour or so in human history that Europeans succesfully emigrated to the Yucatan Peninsula for the first time.

Lazy, lazy ending. Other than that, great movie. B+.

Your Quarterly Kal Penn Update

Greatest Indian actor today or greatest overall actor of all time? We report. You decide.

Anybody who knows a thing or two about me knows that I have but one true cinematic love. While some lads will go ga-ga over the likes of Scarlett Johansson or Angelina Jolie, nothing gets my flotation device inflated faster than some good old fashioned Kal Penn.
So you can only imagine the roller coaster of emotions I went through last night watching my DVR'd episode of House, only to find Kumar as one of the potential new doctors on the show. You see, everybody's favorite woodshed masturbator got fired twice in the episode, but kept getting let back in. At one point in the show, he used defibrillators on a woman in a hyperbaric chamber, and set her on fire. Classic Taj!!!! Another scene showed Achmed suggesting that the patient do tequila shots to see if she had a liver disorder. Now that's using your noggin'! It even worked!
Anyway, I always secretly enjoyed watching House, but as long as he's on this season, I'll be glued to it.

Me Lobe Yoy Long Time

The second best thing about Fall? All new Office episodes.

A quick off-topic post. The Office returns to the Thursday Night NBC lineup tonight, with a one-hour season premiere. I'm really excited. I've got all of Season 2 TiVo'd or transfered over to DVD by now, but I've been jonesing for some new material. Lucky for us, starting at 9:00 pm tonight, the Dunder Mifflin gang is back. Hopefully we get some closure on the Jim/Pam/Karen triangle...hopefully Kelly talks Ryan into keeping up with the long-distance romance...hopefully we get to see some more of Todd Packer (Champ Kind from Anchorman). Good stuff.

Secondary off-topic point: What demographic is the show 'Chuck' aimed at? I mean, is there any age bracket that would appeal to? Kids, no. Women, definitely no. Older guys, possibly, just to leer at the chick. Guys our age, I can't speak for the rest of you, but I'm a 100% no. So who greenlights this thing? We get it: the guy works at Nerd Herd (not Geek Squad...), and he unwillingly fights crime with a hottie secret agent! The commercial tells you everything you need to know. There's no surprises, so unless the jokes are hilarious, what's the point here? I would stop talking about it, but every time I watch Sunday Night Football, they beat me over the head with this nonsense, and I know it will be cancelled in four weeks.
Runner-Up to be cancelled immediately: 'The Big Bang Theory' on CBS. Two nerds try to bang a hottie. Hilarity supposedly ensues. Or not.
Honorable Mention to be cancelled immediately: 'K-Ville' on FOX. Black cop and white cop (gee, that's groundbreaking) fight crime in post-Katrina Nawlins. Expect racial tension and Cajun drug lords. I liked this idea better when it starred Clancy and Ralph Wiggum (Look, Big Daddy, it's regular Daddy!).