Even If I Lose, This Movie's Still Going To Rawk

Chicken Porpoise!!!

Your Quarterly Kal Penn Update: November Edition

"I should want to cook him a simple meal, but I shouldn't want to cut into him, to tear the flesh, to wear the flesh, to be born unto new worlds where his flesh becomes my key."

OK, I know you guys have been patiently waiting for the next update on the future of Kal. Here's what we've got so far. The first half of Season 4 of House wrapped on Tuesday Night, meaning that new episodes won't be on until January/February. That truly does suck. In case you weren't aware, House narrowed a field of candidates down from 40-some until he handpicked his new team of three doctors. Well, the hot chick made it, the plastic surgeon guy made it, and I'm thrilled to report that Kal also made it through. What this means is that from now on, Kuuuumar will be on every new House episode and they won't toy with my heartstrings by pretending to fire him like they did every damn week this fall.

A quick look at Kal's IMDB page shows that "Harold and Kumar Escape From Guantanamo Bay" has already been filmed, and is due to release April 25.
Kal also is working on a TV show called "Two Sisters" with Margaret Cho that will probably be so awful that they only air it in Guantanamo.
His other current project is a comedy called "Under New Management". IMDB describes the plotline thusly: "Two co-workers send their boss on a sex cruise and then turn office into party central, causing profits to soar in the process." They left out the phrase "Hilarity Ensues.", but that seems to be a virtual certainty.

All in all, it's a grand time to be the Charter Member of the KPFC (Kal Penn Fan Club, duh). In more personal news, I've convinced Ang that if we have twin boys we can name one of them Kal. I don't imagine she'll have any problem going with Penn as the middle name.
As a final note, if any of you have seen Van Wilder 2: The Rise of Taj, please let me know if it's worth the 4 bucks to go rent it. I've tried to TiVo it but I can't find it on cable.

Your Quarterly Kal Penn Update

Greatest Indian actor today or greatest overall actor of all time? We report. You decide.

Anybody who knows a thing or two about me knows that I have but one true cinematic love. While some lads will go ga-ga over the likes of Scarlett Johansson or Angelina Jolie, nothing gets my flotation device inflated faster than some good old fashioned Kal Penn.
So you can only imagine the roller coaster of emotions I went through last night watching my DVR'd episode of House, only to find Kumar as one of the potential new doctors on the show. You see, everybody's favorite woodshed masturbator got fired twice in the episode, but kept getting let back in. At one point in the show, he used defibrillators on a woman in a hyperbaric chamber, and set her on fire. Classic Taj!!!! Another scene showed Achmed suggesting that the patient do tequila shots to see if she had a liver disorder. Now that's using your noggin'! It even worked!
Anyway, I always secretly enjoyed watching House, but as long as he's on this season, I'll be glued to it.

Park The Porpoise!!!

Kal Penn and a little person execute a near-perfect "Double Fishhook". Don't forget to get those pinkies in Kal's mouth, wee man!!!

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True Story: The runner up for my fantasy team name this year was the Kal Penn Quakers. Apparently the only team names I find humorous are those that could double as "Before And After" puzzles on Wheel of Fortune. In the end though, I went with Chicago Bear Grylls, choosing a football relevant name, while still paying homage to the badassery of Mr. Grylls. However, with all the allegations popping up that Man vs. Wild is about as real as the WWE, I've grown uncomfortable with my choice of team name. Now a part of me wishes I had gone the route of Kal.
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The whole point of that intro, though, is to take a look at some of the team names around our league and try to figure out which ones are good for a chuckle, and which ones should be chucked. Let's begin!

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Craig Fritz: Hairy Areolas - This blog generally pokes fun at the leadership of our dear old Commish, but speaking from the heart, this name is just dynamite. It rolls off the tongue, it comes complete with a stomach churning picture, and it's fun to picture little kids cheering for this team. Well done. 5/5 Blog-stars for the Craigger.

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Mike Walbert: Bisbee Ball Maulers - A quick google search showed me that Bisbee is a town in Arizona, and since Mikey lives out in the desert, I appreciate the geographical reference. As for Ball Maulers, it's certainly innovative. I can't say I've ever had anybody threaten to maul my balls before, but I imagine it would leave them black and blue. Let's put up a picture though instead of a 'B', I'm a visual learner. 4/5 Blog-stars.

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Matt Melvin: Vick Loves The Baha Men - Groan. If there's anything worse than a Michael Vick reference, it's an obscure Michael Vick reference that involves one of the worst songs of all time. This name was likely created while reading a similar post on ProFootballTalk.com, which is where he got his picture of youngsters with dog heads photoshopped on. Jonny no likey. 0/5 Blog-stars.

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Aaron Repucci: Team Punterz n' Coaches - OK. This one's decent. I always like a well placed 'z' where an 's' belongs. It adds an edge. And the punters and coaches name does a good job of mocking Craig, which is just bonus points. Good Kapinos picture too, which boosts this up a notch. 4/5 Blog-stars.

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Adam Davis: Chisley's Chopping Blocks - Um, I want to like this one. It sounds tough. The guy in Davis's picture looks tough. But I don't know what any of these things are. Who is Chisley? LaVon Chisley? Ang took a look at the picture and said she thought it was the Napoleon Dynamite guy. I didn't have an answer one way or the other. 2/5 Blog-stars awarded solely on potential.

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Jordan Yingling: License to Kim Jong Il - Ok, I had a hand in this one (it meets my Before and After Wheel of Fortune joke criteria). I think it's funny that Jordan would go ahead with this one whilst dating a Korean gal. It shows chutzpa. And it also gives a shout-out to one of the best rap albums of all time. No picture though. Fix that, please. 4/5 Blog-stars.

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Rich Ely: Jabroc Junk Jabbers - A quick Google search shows that Jabroc is a densified wood laminate. I believe it may be one of his vendors at Sikorsky, but I can't be too sure. As for Junk Jabbers, it borders on infringement of Ball Maulers, but I like that Rich has looked for a new spin on an old classic. A Junk Jabber would likely just give you those pestering ball flicks that don't really hurt, but at the same time, they're annoying and make you walk around with your hands cupping your manhood any time you're in the vacinity of the Junk Jabber. You also need a picture. 3/5 Blog-stars.

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Shawn Hussein: The Canadian Cripplers - Ang made a horrified face and said "Oh my God, he's sick..."when I explained this one to her. Since I know that was your original intent, I guess you've succeeded. And for that, I award you full credit. 5/5 Blog-stars.

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Paul Davis: Stacy Mack 4 Pres - Swing and a miss. The Davis brothers fall into a cavernous 0-2 hole. 0/5 Blog-stars.

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Dave Wanner: Delaware Ding Dong Danglers - The rare 4 word alliteration is worth a few stars on its own. Add in the topical homosexual reference, coupled with a picture horrifying enough to get you instantly fired if you're looking at Dave's roster for trade scenarios, and we're golden here. 5/5 Blog-stars.

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Shelby Fidler: Pocket T-Bags - It's another Before And After Wheel of Fortune joke!! I love those!! This is pretty good, even though I remember Kurt was the Lipton Tea Baggers a few years back. Also, teabagging's always a funny mental image, so I'm on board here. 4/5 Blog-stars.