The Most Accurate Thing You'll Ever Read Ever Ever

Not pictured: My raging boner.

First of all, let me say how proud I am of Craig. His first day on the job, and he's already banged out two preview columns. Well done, sir. You're the perfect running mate for my presidential campaign. There I am; John McCain...can't lift my arms, old, fat cheeks, weakened, cranky, and smell like a three day old French Onion soup, and here you come, my Sarah Palin...ready to breathe new life into a dying effort. Well done, good sir.

Unfortunately for Craig, I'm stepping on his two previous posts for a rare spectacle of Bloggery, but it's necessary. The NFL season officially started 46 minutes ago, and I have yet to chime in on the state of the 2008 Philadelphia Eagles. So sorry Craig, but I've gotta take center stage.

The 2008 Eagles enter the season with some new faces (yo, Asante!!), some disgruntled faces (wassamattayou, Lito??), and some faces that look especially bloated in High Def (dear Lord, Andy). I've seen a number of previews on the Eagles this season, and the hopes are generally high. Both Dr. Z and Gene Wojciechowskisiskworski have the Eagles in the Super Bowl (although losing to the Pats, a scenario that would make me remove my rectum with a garden rake), and I'd say 95% of the other predictions have the Eagles no worse than a wild card team. Do I agree? I think so, but let's sloooooooow it down and take things one game at a time.

Joining me for this year's prognostications is my on again-off again lover, Miss Crown Royal. Needless to say, we're on. And IT'S on. Let's go.

Week 1: vs. Rams
Let's put it this way, this is the week where I'm really glad I went with Brian Westbrook over Adrian Peterson. The Eagles really shouldn't struggle with this game at all, and I see it as a good opportunity for the wideouts to develop chemistry with Donovan to start the season while Kevin Curtis is out. The one thing the Eagles have going against them is Andy Reid's history in season openers, which is something like 3-7. I absolutely think they'll win, but there's probably still some rust on the chainsaw.
Eagles 24, Rams 17 (Record: 1-0)

Week 2: @ Cowboys (MNF)
I think the Cowboys are the best team in the NFC, and although the wheels could definitely come off this team at some point, Week 2 is way too early. Dallas is too talented, and I definitely think people are underestimating the Pacman Jones impact. He's like Devin Hester, if only Devin Hester could play cornerback and not just be a gimmicky wide reciever (remember, Hester was drafted as a CB). I think we put up a decent fight, but Dallas wins, regardless of whether Jessica, Ashlee, or OJ Simpson is in the crowd to cheer on Tony Romo.
Eagles 23, Cowboys 31 (Record: 1-1)

Week 3: vs. Steelers
Me and Deewaan are going to this game because he's the coolest Best Man who's ever Best Manned. The Steelers absolutely throttled the Eagles the last time they played, back in 2004, but the tables should be turned this year. The Steelers have questions on both sides of the line of scrimmage, and that's probably where the Eagles are most solid this year. Besides, I'd have to be an idiot to pick the Steelers in a game where my yinzer wife was tagging along.
Eagles 28, Steelers 16 (Record: 2-1)

Week 4: @ Bears (SNF)
The Eagles giftwrapped a game for the Bears last year, making Brian Greise look like John Elway as he led Chicago on a historic 2 minute drive. I say historic because I don't think I've ever seen 11 men all quit at the exact same moment, but that's exactly what the Eagles defense did. It was unreal. Anyway, Donovan McNabb usually plays well in his hometown, and I expect the wide recievers to have built a good bit of confidence by this point in the season. I'll also put this on paper...after this game, people will be asking if DeSean Jackson is the NEW Devin Hester. No, tools, he's better.
Eagles 34, Bears 13 (Record: 3-1)

Week 5: vs. Redskins
I'm watching the Redskins right now. I know they're playing the Super Bowl champs and everything, but you know what they look like???? Thawed out dogshit.
Eagles 35, Redskins 10 (Record: 4-1)

Week 6: @49ers
This game's not until 4:15, which means I'll have to wait three hours longer than I'd like to watch Asante Samuel return two JT O'Sullivan picks for touchdowns. Oh well, I can wait.
Eagles 42, 49ers 6 (Record: 5-1)

Week 7: BYE

Week 8: vs. Falcons
Andy Reid wins every game following a bye week. The Falcons are possibly picking #1 in next year's draft. I know the last three games I've picked have been Eagles blowouts, but honestly, they could make the spread on this game 30 points and I'd still take the Eagles.
Eagles 45, Falcons 10 (Record: 6-1)

Week 9: @ Seahawks
Bold Prediction - After Julius Jones ruptures a hammy in the season opener, and TJ Duckett runs for less than 30 yards in three straight games, the Seahawks sign Shaun Alexander for the veteran minimum. Inspired to earn another NFL contract and prove he's still got something left in the tank, he reverts to his 2005 form and rushes for 125 yards in his first game back. Crazy, right? Yeah, but other than this scenario, I'm not sure why the Seahawks would be favored in this game. I've got to give the Eagles a loss before my credibility goes flying out the window, so I'll say the game is lost on a freak fumble on a botched field goal attempt.
Eagles 17, Seahawks 24 (Record: 6-2)

Week 10: vs. Giants (SNF)
Watching the season opener tonight, three things impress me...1) The Smooth, Delicious, Warm Flavor of Crown Royal, 2) Megan Fox in the High Def Transformers commercials, and 3) The G-Men. This is the doomsday scenario for the NFC East. The Giants are already playing the "nobody believes in us card" this season, now they're throttling a division opponent and reminding themselves that their quarterback is the reigning Super Bowl MVP. I'll buy the hype. Fun fact: As of this game, we'll know whether McCain or Obama is our next president.
Eagles 21, Giants 28 (Record: 6-3)

Week 11: @ Bengals
Chris Henry won't last the season on Cincinnati's roster, Chad Ocho Cinco's labrum injury will stop him from being a gamebreaker, and the Bengals will regret dumping Rudi Johnson. Seriously, this team has so many dumbasses on it, and they cut a guy who's never had a problem with his coaching staff, his teammates, or the law. Really smart. What's the thesis sentence, English majors?? Here it is. THE BENGALS BLOW AND DO EVERYTHING WRONG.
Eagles 31, Bengals 20 (Record: 7-3)

Week 12: @ Ravens
Joe Flacco's cousin goes to my church. Other than that, I have nothing good to say about this team.
Eagles 20, Ravens 10 (Record: 8-3)

Week 13: vs. Cardinals (Thanksgiving Night)
Here's the second game of the season I'm going to. My only real fear here is that me and my dad are going together, and every time we see an Eagles game together, something horrific happens (see: Ricky Watters "For Who For What", Donovan McNabb's exploding ACL...) I'll be honest with you, I don't care if the Eagles lose by 600 points, so long as I eat four turkey legs and drink three quarts of bourbon. But, since I'm predicting, I'll go with an upset. Cardinals win a lopsided game, as Andy Reid pulls a Paterno and runs off the field mid-game to empty his bowels after nine turkey pot pies.
Eagles 12, Cardinals 31 (Record: 8-4)

Week 14: @ Giants
Super Bowl Champs or not, we don't get swept by Eli and the boys. We've got a long week to recover after the Thanksgiving game, and a lot of film to watch after the loss earlier in the season. The Giants will be the favorites, but they won't win this one.
Eagles 23, Giants 21 (Record: 9-4)

Week 15: vs. Browns (MNF)
I think the Browns might be horrible this season. They're just being hyped too much for a team that hasn't made the playoffs since the glory days of Kelly Holcomb. Jamal Lewis can't possibly have a year like last year, Derek Anderson might have been figured out, and Kellen Winslow might be out of the NFL after President-Elect John McCain reinstates the Selective Service Draft and K2 is a Navy Seal on a black ops mission in Pyongyang hunting down Jordan's girlfriend's uncle.
Eagles 34, Browns 20 (Record: 10-4, Sweep AFC North)

Week 16: @ Redskins
Inspired by the tragic murder of safety LaRon Landry, the Redskins galvanize and come into this game on a three game winning streak, which boosts their season win total to three. However, the magic ends as Donovan and company move into a tie with the Cowboys after this win, setting up a Week 17 showdown for all the marbles.
Eagles 26, Redskins 21 (Record: 11-4)

Week 17: vs. Cowboys
While most teams this week will be trying to lose to gain an extra two slots in the 2009 draft, the Eagles and Cowboys are playing for the division crown, a bye week, and homefield throughout the playoffs. The game gets out of reach just after halftime though, and the Eagles back into the playoffs as the #5 seed, a wild card berth.
Eagles 14, Cowboys 28 (Record: 11-5)

Wild Card Round: @ Cardinals (NFC West Champs)
The Cardinals win this horrible division with a putrid 8-8 record over the Seahawks, who finish at 7-9. Embarrassed by the Thanksgiving Day debacle, the Eagles come out fired up and make this game a laugher by the end of the first quarter. The Cardinals' dynamic duo of Larry Fitzgerald and Anquan Boldin are so humbled by the loss, that after the game, they beg the Eagles to trade for them in the offseason. They don't.
Eagles 38, Cardinals 6

Divisional Round: @ Cowboys (NFC East Champs)
Tony Romo, fresh off a bye-week vacation to Amsterdam with his new celebrity girlfriend, Miley Cyrus, goes 6 for 32 for 61 yards and 3 INTs. Terrell Owens is so pissed off after the game that he demands to be traded in the offseason, and when asked which team he'd be interested in going to, he breaks down crying and begs Donovan McNabb and the Eagles to take him back in the offseason. They don't.
Eagles 27, Cowboys 10

NFC Championship: @ Saints (NFC South Champs)
Drew Brees, fresh off his MVP season, is rolling on all cylinders as he spreads the ball around all night to his favorite targets, Reggie Bush, Jeremy Shockey, and Marques Colston (notice I didn't say Robert Meachem!!). The game ends on a controversial call by Andy Reid, who decides to punt on 4th and 2 rather than hand the ball to Pro Bowl fullback Tony Hunt, who's a remarkable 22 for 22 on third and fourth down conversions on the season. The season ends in the Big Easy once again.
Eagles 23, Saints 24

So there you have it. My semi-drunk look in to the future of everybody's favorite hometown team. But seriously, as long as I get those turkey legs and bourbon, they can go 0-16 and I'll be one happy dude.

Pulling A Favre

I'm following my heart and going out on top.
Or am I?????

OK. You came here expecting draft grades. But I've got an unfortunate site announcement. Brace yourself.

I don't think I've got it in me this year. I'm hanging up my blogging shoes.

Why? A number of reasons, which I'll now list in no particular order:

1. My work situation: When I ran this site last year, I was working in a doublewide up in rural Bath where I had a direct supervisor about two days a week. Now, I'm in our main office, and can't even keep Hotmail up for 30 seconds without a vice president gliding down the hall and checking out my 22" monitor to make sure I'm getting my TPS reports done in time. Trust me, I did a LOT of the blogging at work last year, and it's just not possible now.

2. The house: Frankly, when I come home from work, there's a lot of shit to do. I can't justify spending 90 minutes on Bajingos and Sasquatches while there's lighting fixtures to hang and boxes to unpack.

3. The letdown factor: Last year was the best year of my illustrious fantasy career, and I won my first ever championship. Blogging along the way made it even more fun, but I'm worried I can't top the experience, and if I'm not into it, the work will suck.

4. My dear readers: You deserve the finest quality blog your non-money can buy. I worry that I'm out of jokes, out of outrageous Google Image photos, and out of Karate Kid YouTube videos. I don't want to be giving you a run of the mill site, and that's probably what you'd be getting.

5. Kal Penn: The last two movies I saw with him in it sucked. "Epic Movie" and "Bachelor Party Vegas" were so lame that I worry that I may be starting to sour on everybody's favorite Bengali Bombshell.

6. The wife: I've got some serious banging to do.

So, that's the deal. If you hated the blog, this is good news. If you enjoyed the blog, I apologize. I do however promise the same high quality material you've come to expect from every group e-mail I send.

As a parting gift, I will offer you my abbreviated preseason post-draft power rankings, with limited commentary where necessary. Enjoy.

1. Jordan - Manning/Favre is a pretty good combo, even if I hate them both with all my soul. He's also got a guy who could have been the #1 pick at #3, Adrian Peterson. If Peterson is healthy, Jordan's the top team.

2. Craig - I hate the QB's, but Marion Barber and Ryan Grant is the best combo backfield of any team in the league.

3. Davis - Tomlinson leads the way, but there's a lot of high ceiling guys here like MoJo Drew, McNabb and Marques Colston. Kellen Winslow is a double digit touchdown guy this year, no question about it.

4. Hefty - I took the homer route and picked Westbrook. Then in the next round, I went polar opposite and took the face of my least favorite franchise in all of sports, Tony Romo. That's called hedging your bets, and it basically means I'm a pussy.

5. Mike - I think Drew Brees will end up with the best QB stats in the league this year. I also love the WR-WR strategy to get Moss and Braylon Edwards, however, as you can guess, it means he's starting two warm corpses at RB.

6. Shawn - This year, Shawn rolls with the hot rooks at running back, Darren Mc Fadden and Jonathan Stewart. He's also got Marshawn Lynch and Larry Johnson. Very deep team, with only one torn labrum standing between him and an excellent draft.

7. Melvin - I obviously love the Tom Brady pick, but the rest of the team has a lot of holes. Still, Melvin should definitely win more than one matchup this year.

8. Deewaan - I'm not a real big Derek Anderson guy, but this team is well drafted, with a lot of quality starters and some backups with potential to contribute.

9. Aaron - Overall, a smart draft, with a couple of hiccups. He handcuffed Portis with Betts, and if Marvin Harrison can keep his hands off of firearms this season, he could be the steal of the draft.

10. Jonesy - I'm hoping TO has a big year now that I have Romo, and I think the other starting wideouts are solid as well. A lot of reaches in the draft, but overall, not bad for a first effort in the league.

11. Shelby - I think Peyton is going to have a down year. He may not be ready for Week 1, and there's questions about MarHar. I don't love the running backs here, and I don't even like the wide receivers.

12. Rich - What a difference a year makes. Last year's preseason number 1 finds himself at the bottom of the rankings as he rolls out a baffling draft strategy. Three mediocre quarterbacks, only three running backs, two tight ends and two defenses. Must have been a fun honeymoon.

So there you have it. My first and possibly last posting of the season. If something big happens, I may chime in at some point during the season, but for now, I'm happy to watch this season from the sidelines and just enjoy riding my tractor in Mississippi with a fresh new pair of Wranglers.

Grade The Trade: 9/4/07

Matt Melvin and Rich Ely have announced a 4 player deal. The trade will send Jason Witten and Deion Branch to Melvin, while Rich will receive Tony Gonzalez and Tatum Bell.

From Melvin's Perspective: This trade gives Matt a desperately needed reliable third WR to start alongside Roy Williams and Chris Chambers. Matt Jones, or any of the Jaguars receivers, for that matter, weren't going to perform week in and week out, and this was a clear position of need for Melvin. The decision to cut Byron Leftwich and start David Garrard illustrates what kind of shambles the Jaguars passing game is in, so bringing in a guy like Branch, with a proven quarterback like Matt Hasselbeck, is a major boost for Melvin.

Jason Witten is a step down from Tony Gonzalez, but it may not be as big a dropoff as it seems. First of all, with all the weapons that the Cowboys have, they should at least be able to move the ball consistently, leading to red zone opportunites for Witten. Tony Romo is playing with a chip on his shoulder, and will look to Witten when Owens is double covered.

From Rich's Perspective: In trading for Tatum Bell, Rich really didn't improve his situation at the running back position. For a short while last week, it appeared that Lions running back Kevin Jones would be heading to the Physically Unable To Perform list, and miss a minimum of 6 weeks, however, Jones has survived the training camp roster cuts and is still part of the Detroit 53 man roster. This news makes Tatum Bell less appealing, even though he may be starting a few games until Jones is 100% healthy. Realistically, Tatum Bell will not crack Rich's starting lineup without an injury to either Laurence Maroney or Reggie Bush.

Tony Gonzalez, however, is an instant starter at tight end. While Kansas City's wide receivers don't scare anybody, Gonzo always seems to find a way to have a big season regardless. Larry Johnson is back with the team now after his holdout, so the offense has at least two proven weapons for defenses to key on. Getting Gonzalez was a good move for Rich, but he has to hope that the price he paid for him wasn't too steep.

The Winner: Slight edge goes to Matt Melvin.

Monday Morning Slobbering Yap: 9/3/07

Matthew Paul could spring an upset in Week 1 -- so long as he doesn't eat himself to death.

5 Things I Think That I Thought Were (9/3/07)

1. I think the opening matchup between Hefty and Melvin could be closer than the league pundits are saying (currently Melvin is down 6-1 in voting). Bear Grylls' personnel face some tough defensive matchups, including LDT against the Bears, Lynch has the Broncos, and Carson Pa-Pa facing off with the Ravens. Although Melvin's WR corps lacks some SERIOUS punch (let's see what this supposed trade with Richard brings him), I like the McNabb matchup against Green Bay, the Jags D and Tony "My Wife Puts All Yours To Shame" Gonzalez. This one could come down to a Devin Hester punt retu-- ... yeah, scratch that.

2. I think that HBO's Hard Knocks has been fantastic. Major kudos to the network for making the 2007 Kansas City Chiefs appear to be remotely interesting/good, and for exposing the cursing genius of Gunther Cunningham. I wanna wear a pair of Gun's hunting glasses while watching the games each Sunday.

3. I think the discussion about Randy Moss and his fantasy impact this year is intriguing. Many of us believe Shawn reached to select Moss, but there is a valid argument that he'll produce a decent amount of TDs because of New England's play-action and having burner Donte Stallworth playing opposite him. Then again, Moss hasn't seen playing time this preseason. Whatever the side of the argument you're on, I think we're all in agreement that Slimmy's 10 TD prediction for Moss is stoner-rifically off base.

4. I think that Larry Craig has made me reevaluate all those times at Newark International Airport that I fiddled under the stall next to me. Honestly, I was just looking for my... boarding pass. Yes. Kudos to Melvin for the team name, by the way.

5. I think the opening weekend of college football could not have gone better. A convincing Penn State victory topped almost immediately by that thrilling App State win and the blowtorching of Notre Dame. Watching at the alumni bar in Tempe, about 35 PSU fans stuck around and just laughed following the Michigan game. And laughed. And laughed. Hey, at least UM can still count unemployed Dhani Jones as one of its distinguished alumni.

Devin Hester, You Are Irrelevant!!!

This touchdown? Never happened.

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"The Bears have won the toss and elect to receive. Kaeding sends it away and it's a good one. Fielded by Devin Hester at the 3. Up to the 15, he spins out of an arm tackle! He's at the 25. A nice block springs him and he cuts it up the right sideline. To the 35! Hard juke and there's only the kicker to beat!! Hester to midfield!!! Stiff arm to Kaeding, Hester still on his feet!! To the 35...25...15...10...5...touchdown!! Devin Hester, you are ridiculous!!!!"

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Except for some retarted reason, in our fantasy league, you're not. You're irrelevant. The only way you're scoring any points for the Bears this season is if you line up as a wide reciever. Despite your reputation as the most explosive, game changing, ankle breaking, return man in the game today, you will have ZERO fantasy points to show for it. You're as useless as Tim Couch.

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Does that sound right??? We're not rewarding the explosive plays on special teams this year? Kick returns and punt returns mean nothing; for the Defensive/SPECIAL TEAMS unit, or for the individual who ran the touchdown back? In 2006, there were 9 kick return touchdowns. There were 15 punt return touchdowns. These aren't exactly fluke plays. They're fairly common. At my other league's draft last weekend, the guy who had LT said his second best player last year was the Bears defense. Why? In part, because Devin Hester found the end zone 5 freaking times.

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Am I whining because I drafted the Bears under the assumption that I'd be getting oodles of points on the heels of the first player ever to grab a 100 speed rating in Madden? Kind of. Were the rules available on the website at the time of the draft, so I could have properly reviewed the scoring system? Indeed they were. Am I bitching mainly because I wasted a seventh round pick at a time when I could have been looking for warm bodies to play wide receiver instead of the defrosted corpses I have on my roster now? Yeah, I guess.

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But honestly, I'm not even sure how this rule makes sense. This is like learning that we're not counting field goals this year. A field goal puts three points on the board for a team. It's a SCORING play. You should score it in fantasy, shouldn't you? So when a special teams unit does something that changes the SCORE of the NFL game they're involved in, how do we not see fit to award credit to that fantasy unit? Maybe I'm alone on this, but I don't see how you can decide to award points for rushing attempts, and then say you don't give out any points for a touchdown. That's completely backwards.

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Now, anybody want to trade for Ted Ginn? He's suddenly become available.

Mighty Morphin Power Rankings: Post-Draft

On draft day, one true hero separated himself from the pack.

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POWER RANKINGS: Post-Draft

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1. Rich Ely - Yes, it rhymes with really. As in, yes, he's really got the most dangerous team right now. No matter how hard the ESPN overlords tried to screw our cuddliest leaguemate, Rich overcame the adversity and escaped with an awesome squad. Reggie Bush is going to explode this year, I can feel it. In a points per reception league (and one with bonuses for lengthier touchdowns) that spells trouble for the rest of us. Romo and Losman both have a solid playmaking wide receiver to throw to, and speaking of Rich's receivers, they just made me sprout wood. Fitzgerald, Evans, Branch, Vincent Jackson. What's not to like here?!

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2. Jon Hefty - LaDanian Tomlinson, Carson Palmer, and Steve Smith make me sleep easier at night, but I'll be counting on two rookie running backs (Marshawn Lynch and Purple Jesus) to share the rest of the rushing load. Also, on my draft notes, I had "whiny bitch" written next to Jerry Porter's name. Now he's a starter on my team. Another downer is that I can't shake the thought that I'm one well-placed Kimo von Olhoffen hit away from rolling out the Sex Cannon every week as my starting quarterback. If he stays healthy though, Palmer should have touchdown machine Chris Henry back by Fantasy Playoff season, which is going to be my early Christmas present. Now stop punching minors and puking on officers, gaymo.
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3. Dave Wanner - Steven Jackson and Drew Brees are arguably top two at each of their positions. That sort of thing comes in handy. The Jones brothers aren't the flashiest backs, but they're both starters (for now) and could be an unexpected surprise. The only shaky spot on this squad is the wide receivers, but Plaxico, Reggie Brown and Jerricho Cotchery are all the biggest touchdown threats on their respective teams. Personally, I'd tear my balls off before cheering for as many Jets and Giants as Dave has on his team, but hey, whatever works for ya, fella.

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4. Shawn Hussein - Should Matt Leinart be a great quarterback this year? Probably. But let's see how he does first before going ape-feces over him. Willis McGahee and Travis Henry both relocated this offseason to improved teams, which should give them more chances to pound the rock late in games. Randy Moss is either totally washed up or about to cement himself as a top-tier wideout. If he can't be a playmaker in New England, then he can't make an impact anywhere. I like this team's chances though.

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5. Aaron Repucci - Frank Gore and MoJo-Drew are an intriguing backfield. They both have loads of potential, and it will be interesting to see if Gore's busted meathook has any effect on his ball carrying ability. The wide receivers here look solid, but a little streaky for my liking. The QB's don't thrill me here. Matt Hasselbeck is bald and Trent Green has been spotted doing jigsaw puzzles on the sidelines when the defense is on the field and drinking prune juice through his water bottle. Although I hear Miami is generally a great spot for the elderly, so maybe that works out fine for him.

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6. Mike Walbert - If Jon Kitna is the 5,000 yard, 50 touchdown tossing machine that all the spazzoids at SI.com say he is, than Walbert wins the league. I'm not sold on Deuce McAllister, but Jerrious Norwood should be able to step in as a capable number 2 back if needed. Antonio Gates is a man among pre-pubescents at tight end and is a 5 point per game advantage over any of the tight ends he matches up against.

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7. Paul Davis - I like Opie's team, but Larry Johnson can't possibly be as good as his numbers over the past two years. Will he still be a good back? Absolutely. But with the revolving carousel of Brodie Croyle and Damon Huard at QB, if you were an opposing defensive coordinator, wouldn't you put 8-9 guys in the box every single play? Yes. You would. Also, he just got paid. Larry seems like the kind of self-centered jagoff who would collect his payday and go soft. As for Portis/Betts, while having both of these guys is nice, how do you decide on which one to play each week? From what I've heard, the workload is going to be split down the middle. My advice? Take a trip down to DC during a game, hide under Portis' car, and slice his Achilles tendon when he comes out afterwards. Then you can start Betts every game!! Thank me later.

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8. Craig Fritz - Disclaimer: I have never enjoyed the work of Ahman Green. He's one of the reasons I have this team ranked so low. His wide recievers kick ass though. Maybe since we give points per reception, this team will score more points than I think. Vince Young is the most athletically gifted (read: blackest) quarterback in the NFL today, but whether he can keep the legs churning for a whole season at a productive rate is up for discussion. At tight end, Randy McMichael has super-sleeper written all over him this season.

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9. Shelby Fidler - Joseph Addai, Edgerrin James, Dominic Rhodes...what do they all have in common? They all excelled standing behind Peyton Manning in Indy. But they all have question marks coming into this season. Addai is on his own now with no capable back alternating reps, James is still in the desert (and just lost a starting offensive tackle for the season), and Rhodes is in the Black Hole splitting reps with LaMont Jordan after he serves a 4 game suspension. These receivers look spotty to me. Driver injured his foot the other night, D-Jizm is always hurt, and Kevin Curtis and Joe Jurevicius both have a chronic case of Caucasianitis. Not good.

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10. Matt Melvin - I can't imagine this scenario. You have Donovan McNabb as your starting quarterback. He's the QB of your favorite NFL team, and you enjoy rooting for him, but at the same time, there's a good chance he misses some time with injuries this season. If that happens, not only is your NFL season screwed, your fantasy season is likely screwed. In fantasy, you need to give yourself a decent contingency plan. So how do you back McNabb up? With Eli Manning, the gayest gay who ever gayed. And he's a Giant. If McNabb goes down for the year, you have to cheer for a wussy Giant. That sounds horrendous. Oh I almost forgot, enjoy watching Ronnie Brown, I nearly dug my corneas out with a gravy ladle when he was on my team last year.

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11. Jordan Yingling - Alexander's a question mark, as is Benson. I think they both could have a monster year, but I also think there's just as good a chance that Alexander figures out Week 3 that his foot never really healed, and Lovie Smith gets tired of Cedric Benson whiffing on blitz protections. Despite the cybersnickering I heard after Kellen Winslow got picked, I think he's due for a good year. The quarterbacks scare me here though. What, Joey Harrington wasn't available? If I were starting the season with Jay Cutler, I'd start begging other owners in the leagues for their unwanted QB's. Which leads me to...

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12. Adam Davis - The fact that Tom Brady will be sitting on the bench Week 1 (barring a trade) is nearly unthinkable. If Peter King knew this, he would hunt you down and kill you with his bare hands. Brady's definitely a top 4 quarterback, but this early in the season, who really wants to tinker with their team bad enough to trade for a second round player? The cost to pry Brady away may be too much for most guys to bite before a few losses pile up. Until then, enjoy your backfield of Chunk (Brandon Jacobs) and Sloth (Chester Taylor). As for your decrepit wide recievers, here's my best advice. Before their games start, dial 9 and 1. When they take their first hit of the game, you dial 1 again.

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I'll be updating these rankings mid-week, every week throughout the NFL season. Feel free to tell my why I'm full of crap in the comments section.

Monday Morning Slobbering Yap: 8/27/07

Walbert goes all in to comment on the Westside FFL and beyond.

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Quick Editor's Note: Monday Morning Slobbering Yap is our hot new feature. I'm leaving 100% of the creative control to our most distinguished journalist friend, Mike Walbert. So from now on, any time you see the MMSY post, it's coming directly from Walbert's fingers to your eyes. Enjoy, you cretins.

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Fellas, here's my take on Peter King's fantastic Monday Morning QB feature. I won't be blogging about "coffeenerdiness" or Eric Gagne sucking. Nope, it'll be so much more fulfilling, I promise! Here goes. And be gentle.
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5 Things I Think I Thought That Were

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1. I think that Kelly Holcomb gets picked up by Week 4, most likely by Jordan. Holcomb will be starting over Tarvaris Jackson by then.

2. I think that Adam's personal nickname (not his drunk carousel of team names) for the season should be Hindenburg. Or 1906 San Francisco Earthquake. Or Gigli ("Rhymes with 'really' "). I've never seen a disaster quite like his drafting strategy this season and we're not even into Week 1 to see the actual results yet.

3. I think I need Yuengling to be distributed in Arizona. Guys, you just don't know how good you have it.

4. I think that Slimmy painted himself into a corner with the Chad Johnson/Hoosh selection. That fateful pairing is right up there with OJ/Nicole Brown Simpson and Cuba Gooding Jr./Horatio Sanz in terms of projected longterm success.

5. I think that after gaining inspiration from the brooding, yet hunky Justin Bobby on "The Hills," I'd like for all of you, my friends, to call me Dylan.

Draft Hangover: The Good, The Bad, The Ugly

I want us all to get these jumpsuits for next year's draft.

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Draft night is in our rear-view mirrors now, and there's only a week and a half until the real NFL season kicks off. The teams are set, and whether you love your team, or hate it, there's little you can do at this point. Let's take one last look back at the draft and pick apart the best and the worst moments.

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THE GOOD

1. Craig's Wide Receivers: Harrison, Owens, and Javon Walker. Set it and forget it. That is a murderer's row.
2. Adam's Quarterbacks: Sure he used his first two picks getting them, but with Peyton and Tom Brady, Adam's going to be listening to a lot of trade offers.
3. Hefty Likes 'Em Young: Marshawn Lynch and Adrian Peterson slip down to the 4th/5th round and get snatched up by the notorious rookie lover/alleged pedophile.
4. Deewaan's Jonesin For The Joneses: Dave grabs brothers Thomas (2nd Round) and Julius (8th Round!!!).
5. Rich's Team: Maroney, Reggie Bush, Larry Fitz, Lee Evans, and even a Vincent Jackson.

THE BAD

1. Adam's Wide Receivers: Ike Bruce, Terry Glenn, and Muhsin Muhammad. All three of them are reliable, but they're also likely to tell World War II stories and lose their dentures on a big hit.
2. Adam's Running Backs: Sorry to pile on you there, Adam, but Brandon Jacobs and Chester Taylor do not win championships.
3. Craig Rolls The Dice: Vince Young went in the 7th Round. First Alexander, now VY. Craig just can't help himself from taking Madden cover athletes. Young could end up being a steal this late, but it's unwise to tempt fate two years in a row.
4. Bill Parcells Calls Them Jap Picks: You guys think you're so sneaky. Terrance Copper (Rd 11), Tony Hunt (13), Vikings D (10), Ricky Williams (15), Ted Ginn (14). Everyone loves a sleeper, but if you're taking one this obscure, you can wait until the last round.
5. Anybody with 2 Defenses or 2 Kickers: Come on now. That's ridiculous.

THE UGLY

1. The World Wide Leader: What the hell, ESPN?! You change our draft time, you blow nearly a quarter of our late round picks, and you don't let our commissioner travel backwards in time to undo draft picks. Go eat a used diaper filled with Indian food.
2. Position Limits: Why can't I take 6 WRs? Why can't I take 3 QBs? Because the guy in the commissioner hat says I can't. Would any of us really had a problem if Davis tried to take another quarterback? That would have been bad for us how?
3. Cyber High-Fives: We HAVE to do this in person next year. No more laptop knee-slappers. And somebody please bring Das Boot. Thanks.
   

Break It Down: The 2007 Pittsburgh Steelers - Chapter 2

After years of controversy and speculation, the long-rumored Gay Muppet finally makes an appearance.

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Editor's Note: In the final pre-draft edition of this blog, we are once again joined by Aaron Repucci who takes us on a week-by-week gondola ride through the upcoming Pittsburgh Steelers season. Take it away, sir.

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STEELER Season Breakdown:

Week 1: @ Cleveland
Please GOD let Brady Quinn start!!! Steelers beat the befuddled browns in an ugly, low scoring affair.
W: 17-6

Week 2: BUFFALO
Losman can’t handle the rowdy home opener crowd. Polamalu sask Losman once hard and helps contain Evans. Steeler’s offense looks a little better.
W: 23-13

Week 3: SAN FRAN
Gore held under 100 yards. Steelers hold up at home.
W: 24-17

Week 4: @ Arizona
Leinart is confused and terrorized by LeBeau’s 3-4 zone blitzing schemes (and from his memories of when we ate at the same Italian restaurant outside of USC). Parker rounds wild….over 150 yards.
W: 31-13

Week 5: SEATTLE
Big game at home. Fans are juiced up on iron city. Alexander is stuffed for under 100 yards. Steelers win in a close one.
W: 21-20

Week 6: BYE
Steelers win one billion to nothing.
Let’s press pause for a moment. I know what you’re thinking…5-0??? I know, I know. Steelers usually open seasons very poorly. But with this opening schedule 5-0 is very doable. I think Tomlin will have his team fired up coming out of the gate.
*Note: These five wins will help earn Tomlin favor and trust in the steel city.

Week 7: @ Denver
Steelers get complacent and rest on their laurels (what is a laurel anyway?). Cutler plays well. Bettis’ asthma acts up again. Steelers turn the ball over in an ugly game…
L: 10 - 24

Week 8: @ Cincy
The black n’ Gold rebound well off of their first loss and stun divisional rivals in their house.
W: 30 – 28

Week 9: BALTIMORE
MacGahee finds tough sledding in the burgh, but Benjamin struggles under the pressure of this big home game. Steelers plagued with turnovers.
L: 13 - 16

Week 10: CLEVELAND
Win….it’s Cleveland.
W: one billion - 0

Week 11: @ ny jets
I just can’t see the jets beating the Steelers.
W: 20 - 17

Week 12: MIAMI (Monday night)
Steelers are good at home on Monday night. Ronnie brown gains like 30 yards. Dan Marino cheers for the Steelers.
W: 27 - 13

Week 13: CINCY
Steelers always struggle with Cincy at home. Cincy gets revenge for the beating at home earlier in the season
L: 30 - 17

Week 14: @ New England
Steelers win! Why? Because upsets happen. Steelers have the tools to win big games. And because Tom brady is a tool. The Pats lose 4 games this year…one loss comes from the Steelers…in their house!
W: 27-24

Week 15: JACKSONVILLE
Steelers ALWAYS struggle against the Jags. Steelers lose coming off of the big win against the patties.
L: 17-16

Week 16: @ St. Louis (Thursday)
NFC sucks. Steelers 3-4 contains Jackson. Big Ben looking really sharp at this point in the season.
W: 27-24

Week 17: @ Baltimore
This is the battle for AFC North title. Both teams come in with 11-4 records. Steelers struggle under the pressure of the title game and can’t handle Baltimore D in Baltimore’s house. Low scoring, defensive struggle, but the baltimore birdies come out on top and take the division.
L: 20-16

SEASON: 11-5
Steelers grab a wild card spot!!

Break It Down: The 2007 Pittsburgh Steelers - Chapter 1

BLACK COWHER!!!!! BLACK COWHER!!!!!

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Editor's Note: Today we have a special guest author, Aaron Repucci, who will walk us through the storylines behind the 2007 Steelers. This is part 1 of a 2 part series.

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STEELERS ’07: 99 Problems but Champion Beer Pong Representatives Aren’t 1

Steelers come in to the 2007 season with so many ????’s. Sure, no one has crashed an auto bike, but the replacement of the steel city’s beloved kordell kissing coach, Bill Cowher, is enough to have everyone’s panties in collective bunches. Not to mention the fact that the iron makers are coming off of a mistake filled, disappointing 8-8 season. Plus…who’s that big headed guy with overall’s running around in the stands creeping everyone out??? That creeper mascot is gonna be the sole cause of at least 6 roethlisberger INT’s.

But anyways…let’s get down to business…

Q1. TOMLIN, TOMLIN, TOMLIN…oh yeah…and ARIANS?????

Umm….mom…where’s bill cowher?? What is that really tan fellow doing with a headset on??? Mom??!!! Over 15 memorable seasons, steeler fans grew to trust cowher with their hearts, lives, children, prescription drugs and football team….and then he breaks our hearts and leaves…

Enter stage right, mike tomlin, walking on his own two legs all fat and cocky. With zero years as a head coach, no one is really sure how Tomlin will hold up. Early reports out of camp look good. ESPN reported that Tomlin is holding one of the most physical camps in the NFL and making a point to let players know that this is HIS team now….that he is the alpha male. Mental warfare tactics include Tomlin dressing in all black outfits…long sleeved, long panted…so that no player can complain that it’s “too hot.” That’s what I like to hear, especially if the steelers want to maintain their rep as a hard nose, smash mouth fball team.

While this seems all well and good, what worries me more is the implementation of a new offense and sort of a new defense. Arians (scary right off the bat cuz his name sounds like he want to make a perfect human) intends to stretch the offense out and open things up a bit. GULP. This is scary…(more on this in Q2). But let’s just say that the offense has looked way less than stellar in the preseason.

Reports out of camp are that LeBeau’s frickin’ awesome zone blitzing schemes are being “blended” with Tomlin’s “Tampa 2” style of defense (don’t forget he was a defensive coordinator before this). While these two defensive master minds could create an amazing mutant beast of an attacking, killer defensive…they also might create something that’s just flat out too complicated or confusing. I hope it’s the mutant beast. But it sure would be funny to see larry foote and marvin Harrison running around in circles with their hands in the air while the stereotypical circus clown music plays in the background…yeah…go ahead…picture that one in your head.

Q2. BIG BEN? Or ACCIDENT BEN?

Big Ben went from a few mistake QB to a mistakeful QB in one season. Let’s look at the stats…’05 Season – 9 INT’s…..’06 Season - TWENTY THREE frickin’ INT’s. While I do think that B Roth will improve upon his ’06 #’s regardless of the offensive scheme, I think he fit perfectly in the to steelers ’05 scheme which relied heavily on the run and just needed him to convert 3rd and longs (which he did very well) and to NOT TURNOVER the ball. An Arian run offense looking to stretch out the offense and put more emphasis on the passing game might not be the best fit for Mr. Benjamin?????

Q3. STEELY MCBEAM??? McWTF???

I got nothin…Steeler’s head office just made the Steelers into the laughing stock of the nation…I have no defense for these shenanigans. It is just outright awful. Will STEELY destroy the team? Maybe…just maybe…

Q4. PARKER’s GROIN?

While I like Barlow and Najeh (g@yest name ever…say it slow and with a deep voice…you’ll see) as back ups, Steelers success is largely dependent on Willie Parker. I think he has the goods to deliver. But the question is…can he keep his goods healthy?

Q5. PORTER GONE? EMOTIONAL LEADER? MATT FOOLEY (rip)??

Porter lost some of his edge last year. So while I don’t think the Steelers will miss his play too much, I think they will miss his emotional leadership. Who will step up and be the heart of the D??

Q6. DOES MANIMAL HAVE A WOLVERINE-ESQUE HEALING FACTOR?

Polamalu wasn’t the same last year. This man beast with a terrifying black mane straight from the depths of hades was feared in the ’05 season. But a concussed head and knee ligamental problems took the bite out of this tiger in ’06. His return to altered beast status will be directly linked to the success of Pittsburgh’s D in 2007.
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Q99. DOES BAYLOR PUNTER SEPULVEDA LIKE PUPPIES???

This one speaks for itself and will be pivotal for a successful steeler season.



SEASON BREAKDOWN COMING SOON……..

Can We Please Draft So I Have Something To Blog About?

I bet you can't guess which letters I did myself!!!

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I posted this in recognition of the Brothers Davis, who were recently called out on their lack of quality team names. Well, they changed them alright. To even less funny or comprehensible names.

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Lil Jon Denver's Skeet Chuters?????

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Hawaii McLovin?????????

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I would like to open up the comments section below to see if we can't come up with two new names for the Daviseses because this is getting sad. I'll get the ball rolling, and you guys add on. Hopefully we can come up with two winners.

Mock Lobster: Shawn Hussein (Pick #12)

It seems like he'd score more touchdowns on his feet, but I'm only a stupid blogger. What do I know?!

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Mock Draft Pick #12: Shawn Hussein selects Reggie Bush, RB, NO

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2006 Rushing Stats: 155 carries, 565 yards, 6 touchdowns

2006 Receiving Stats: 88 catches, 742 yards, 2 touchdowns

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When fate, destiny, and Bucks Run Dryer #4 hand you the twelfth pick, you've got to make lemonade. So it makes sense to try to hit a homerun with a guy like Reggie Bush over a less talented, yet more proven, commodity. And Reggie Bush is certainly a homerun threat. It's pretty amazing that for 88 catches, he only had two touchdowns to show for it. A quick glance at last year's stats show that of all players to catch at least 70 passes, Reggie actually had the fewest receiving touchdowns. (Look at that, I did real research!!!) And a player with Reggie Bush's open field ability should easily be able to correct that in 2007. With another 75 catches, he should be able to turn at least 5 of them into touchdowns this year, and I imagine he'll pick up another 5 on the ground. His rushing yardage should also improve, as he had a vastly better yards per carry over the final 8 games of 2006. Overall, Bush is well worth the risk of being a first round pick, even though he won't be the only running back in New Orleans getting time.

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Just be sure to grab Deuce McAllister with pick #13, Shawn. Play it safe.

Mock Lobster: Rich Ely (Pick #11)

Good sir, I applaud you on a flawless Heisman pose.

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Mock Draft Pick #11: Rich Ely selects Rudi Johnson, RB, Cin

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2006 Rushing Stats: 341 carries, 1309 yards, 12 touchdowns

2005 Rushing Stats: 337 carries, 1458 yards, 12 touchdowns

2004 Rushing Stats: 361 carries, 1454 yards, 12 touchdowns

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Do you like running backs who rush for exactly 12 touchdowns in a season? If so, this is your pick. Look at Rudi's totals for the past three years again. That's almost statistically impossible. The man is a damn cyborg. So who do I allocate him to? Of course it would be Rich Ely, our league's resident Japanese-American. Listen, the Japanese are a wonderful, industrious people, but sometimes they get a little boring on us. Honda, Toyota, Nissan, they're all fine automobiles. But they'll all do exactly the same thing: get good gas mileage, drive for 225,000 miles, and then fall apart. You know exactly what you're getting the second you buy it. There's no surprises. Basically, you're buying Rudi Johnson. So while I've just made what seems to be my tenth borderline racist remark of the preseason towards Asians, what I'm really trying to say, is that he's got himself a sweet new Nissan to drive around for the next five months.

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And if you really need a reason to think I'm racist, head over to All Look Same, fire up "Smiley Faces" by Gnarls Barkley, and take Exam 1: Faces.

Mock Lobster: Matt Melvin (Pick #10)

This picture and an empty bottle of Crown Royal are the only reminders I have that the Eagles actually made the Super Bowl in my lifetime.

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Mock Draft Pick #10: Matt Melvin selects Brian Westbrook, RB, Phi

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2006 Rushing Stats: 240 carries, 1217 yards, 7 touchdowns

2006 Receiving Stats: 77 catches, 699 yards, 4 touchdowns

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At this point in the mock draft, the next few guys off the board are pretty much going to give you the same thing. So if you're an Eagles fan, why not just take the guy you can watch 16 games a year and actually get excited when he gets in the end zone? Not that Westbrook's stats are pedestrian. His 11 touchdowns and 1900 total yard effort in '06 was easily the best of his career. In fact, prior to 2006, Westbrook had never gotten over 200 carries in a season, and never put up 1000 yards rushing. But what he lacks in carries, he'll often repay you catching the ball. The Eagles, despite the argument from local radio kingpin Howard Eskin, are notorious for throwing far more often than they run, even when they have a game in hand. That's actually one of the few drawbacks to owning Westbrook and being an Eagles fan. When the Eagles are up 27-10, you want to see Westbrook carrying the ball, padding his stats, not 5 yard outs to Matt Schobel. But I digress. Westbrook is certainly a top-10 fantasy talent, and as long as he and McNabb can stay healthy, he should perform to expectations. One new area of concern for 2007 is the presence of our boy Tony Hunt, who may end up cleaning up around the goal line and stealing some of the Eagles' rushing TD opportunities. I'd look for another 1600+ yard season from Brian, with maybe 8-9 touchdowns sprinkled in.

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And if he stinks this year, I'll go through a couple extra bottles of Crown Royal. It's a win-win!

Mock Lobster: Craig Fritz (Pick #9)

It's the greatest job in all of sports; lining up directly behind Tom Brady's firm, tight, glutes; listening intently for his approval to come charging towards him; and bursting towards the hole as your eyes finally meet. If it were me, I'd weep after every single play.
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Mock Draft Pick #9: Craig Fritz selects Laurence Maroney, RB, NE

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2006 Rushing Stats: 175 carries, 745 yards, 6 touchdowns

2006 Receiving Stats: 22 catches, 194 yards, 1 touchdown

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Laurence Maroney had a solid rookie year, learning the ropes from Corey Dillon, who has since retired. New England's offense has undergone a major overhaul this offseason, welcoming in the likes of Randy Moss, Donte Stallworth, and Wes Welker. The Patriots look phenomenal on paper this season, which could mean a lot of early leads and second half carries for Maroney. Laurence is currently nursing injuries but is on track for a return by opening day. As an added bonus, Maroney has also gained an incredible amount of popularity on the internet for his coining of the phrase "construda", which can best be documented on Kissing Suzy Kolber. I would expect Laurence to greatly improve on his yardage totals now that he's a one man show in the backfield, but the amount of weapons Tom Brady has to work with could ultimately limit his touchdowns.

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Fun fact: Laurence Maroney's areola hair is also dreadlocked, making him a perfect fit on Craig's roster.

Mock Lobster: Adam Davis (Pick #8)

Cut that meat!

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Mock Draft Pick #8: Adam Davis selects Peyton Manning, QB, Ind

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2006 Passing Statistics: 362 completions, 4397 yards, 31 touchdowns

2006 Rushing Statistics: 23 carries, 36 yards, 4 touchdowns

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Adam was already the most likely guy to take Peyton Manning in the first round, but having the eigth pick pretty much sealed the deal. It's right about the cutoff point where most of the sure fire backs are off the board, so Manning would be a pretty good value pick here. Manning has never missed a start as an NFL quarterback, which is an amazing statement in itself. In fact, while you were reading that last sentence, Donovan McNabb tore both his triceps and pulled a quad. Manning is also extremely consistent. He's never thrown for fewer than 26 touchdowns in a season, and holds the NFL single season record for tossing 49 TD's in 2004. Manning is a goofy bastard, there's no arguing that, but by the time he retires, there's a good chance he could be remembered as the greatest quarterback to play the game. With the usual suspects (Marvin Harrison, Reggie Wayne, Dallas Clark) still around in the passing game, plus first round pick Anthony Gonzalez, there's no reason to expect anything else out of Peyton but another league leading season.

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And if the situation called for it, he'd kill a snitch.

Mock Lobster: Mike Walbert (Pick #7)

When you think Indianapolis Colts, you think Ben Utecht.

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Mock Draft Pick #7: Mike Walbert selects Ben Utecht, TE, Ind (and definitely not Joseph Addai, RB, Ind)

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Ben Utecht 2006 Receiving Stats: 37 catches, 377 yards, 0 touchdowns

Joseph Addai 2006 Rushing Stats: 226 carries, 1081 yards, 7 touchdowns

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If you look at the above numbers, it's a no brainer that you'd want to pick Ben Utecht at #7. Not Joseph Addai. While Addai may have had a great rookie year splitting carries with Dominic Rhodes, who has since left for Oakland, you'd be crazy to pick him seventh overall. Most scouts agree that Utecht is the key player to watch in this dynamic Indianapolis offense. Sure, Joseph Addai may have put up 143 yards in a breakout Super Bowl performance, but Ben Utecht caught 1 pass for 8 yards in the same game. That's nothing to sneeze at. Utecht also caught 18 passes for first downs last season, and that means Peyton Manning will look his way early and often next year. And as long as Manning is throwing to Utecht, he certainly won't be handing off to Addai. No, there's almost no reason at all to mention Joseph Addai in this preview of Mike's selection, who I'm 99.9% sure will be Ben Utecht.

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Unless he takes Joseph Addai instead.

Mock Lobster: Jordan Yingling (Pick #6)

Frank's brother, former Vice President Al Gore, hot on the trail of Manbearpig.

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Mock Draft Pick #6: Jordan Yingling selects Frank Gore, RB, SF

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2006 Rushing Stats: 312 carries, 1695 yards, 8 touchdowns

2006 Receiving Stats: 61 catches, 485 yards, 1 touchdown

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Frank Gore is a beast between the 20's. In the red zone, though, not so much. In 2oo6, Frank piled up close to 2200 total yards, and had only 9 touchdowns to show for it. After two consecutive drives on which he failed to punch it in from 1st and Goal from the 1 against the Eagles last year, Frank began losing carries to our boy, Michael Robinson. To become an elite fantasy running back, Frank will need to show more toughness punching it in at the goal line. The 49ers made an effort at improving their offense this year, bringing in Darrell Jackson from the rival Seattle Seahawks, which should help stretch the field. The continuing progression of tight end Vernon Davis and quarterback Alex Smith should also help keep defenses from stacking the line of scrimmage to stop the run. Another 2200 yard season may be a stretch, but Gore should put up at least a baker's dozen touchdowns this year in an improved offense.

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By the way, Manbearpigs would be an awesome fantasy team name. Feel free to use it. No need to thank me for the suggestion.

Mock Lobster: Aaron Repucci (Pick #5)

My fiancee shows how she got the nickname "Black Cock Moan".

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Mock Draft Pick #5: Aaron Repucci selects Willie Parker, RB, Pit

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2006 Rushing Stats: 337 carries, 1494 yards, 13 touchdowns

2006 Receiving Stats: 31 catches, 222 yards, 3 touchdowns

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This is the easiest projection for me so far. There's absolutely no way that Aaron uses the #5 pick on anybody other than Fast Willie. Aaron would likely start a roster of all Steelers if it were feasible, but this will suit him just fine. Willie flourished in his first season without Jerome Bettis, averaging 107 yards and 1 touchdown per game. With a healthier Ben Roethlisberger this year, the Steelers offense should have an extra spark that was missing last year, leading to even more scoring chances for Willie. If there's any reason to worry about Parker, it's the fact that the Steelers play Baltimore twice every year. Willie has never scored against the Ravens, and in two games last year, he was only able to rack up 51 total rushing yards. Parker will also have to adjust to a new scheme, with new head coach Mike Tomlin taking over. Some expect that Tomlin will open up the passing attack more than Bill Cowher ever did, but an offense that moves the ball well will still create plenty of scoring chances for Willie.

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Now get the hell off my future wife, you asshole.

Mock Lobster: Shelby Fidler (Pick #4)

Shaun Alexander celebrates at his New Year's Eve party, happy to finally have 2006 behind him.

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Mock Draft Pick #4: Shelby Fidler selects Shaun Alexander, RB, Sea

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2006 Rushing Stats: 252 carries, 896 yards, 7 touchdowns

2005 Rushing Stats: 370 carries, 1880 yards, 27 touchdowns
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Shaun Alexander had an extremely dissapointing 2006 season, mostly due to a fractured bone in his foot which caused him to miss 6 games. Even when healthy, though, he didn't show any of the ability that made him the single season touchdown record holder just one year earlier. He averaged 1.5 fewer yards per carry in '06 than he did in '05 and scored 20 fewer touchdowns on the ground. Who knows the exact reason for Shaun's struggles last year? Maybe it was the loss of All-Pro guard Steve Hutchinson to Minnesota. Maybe it was the Madden Jinx claiming yet another victim. Or maybe, it was the Craig Fritz #1 Pick Jinx. Either way, Alexander's 2006 season seems to be merely a blip on the radar of what has been a phenomenal career. While other running backs on the board at #4 may have the potential to achieve Alexander's 2005 numbers, it seems Alexander will have the most motivation to return to form and put up a solid 2007 season.

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Shaun Alexander is anxiously waiting in the green room practicing his Teabag Dipping technique. Don't let him down, Shelby.