Division Preview 1 of 4: Asshats

I love this year's four division wrinkle. I think it's going to make some new rivalries, and a lot of exciting match-ups down the stretch. In lieu of my normal 1-12 post-draft Power Rankings, I'm going to preview each division and make my prediction for who takes the automatic playoff bid this season. Up first are the Asshats.

You better be taking this serious, jerkoff, you're Mike's #1 WR.

MIKE: Although he was the second (ed: third, thanks Craigger) QB taken, Aaron Rodgers is the safest pick among quarterbacks, and is the kind of player who can singlehandedly win weeks. That's going to have to be the case here because I can't see the wide receivers helping the cause too much. Steve Johnson was a guy I was targeting late as a WR3. I love the occasional multi-touchdown games, the Joker persona he's adopted, and the Twitter tirades. But there's no chance he's a WR1 in any fantasy league. Somebody made an awesome joke at the live draft yesterday: "I'm always excited when I play a team with Santana Moss in the starting lineup." That awesome jokester, dear readers, WAS ME. Having Gates is like having an extra WR, but in this case, there's too much to overcome here. Mike's running back situation (Turner, SJax) can be devastating at times, and can be sitting in the ice bath nursing injuries at times. I don't think this team has the horses to take the division, but a playoff spot is a strong possibility if Steven Jackson stays healthy.

Eyerape. The world's most gentle, consensual kind of rape.

AARON: Big Ben was a sneaky good value for where he went in the draft. He could easily finish with Rivers-Brees type points and I wouldn't be surprised one bit. FOUR Pittsburgh receivers got drafted yesterday, which either means Roethlisberger's going to be throwing a ton or we're all terrible at picking players. I'd drown a pit bull to have Aaron's running back tandem, Forte going one spot before my third round pick made me audibly curse at the dinner table. I think the best way to describe Aaron's wide receiving crew is not overly talented but deep. There's a lot of good WR3 options behind VJax (second Jax nickname this post!!), and Dallas Clark will be a catch machine either as Peyton's favorite target, or Kerry Collins' security blanket. I like this team over Mike's, I'll say that much for now.

Ladies and Gentlemen: The first ever scratch-and-sniff picture on The Heftington Post. Gently scratch Mr. Benson's face on your monitor to unleash the lovely scent of bong water.

SHELBY: Brady was a reach. Guess what, he's still Tom Brady. Big deal. Peyton Hillis was almost definitely a reach. But he finished second in RB points last year while playing for the awful Browns. It's the Cedric Benson pick here that worries me the most. If the Bengals average 10 points per game this season I'd be surprised. That's gotta be one of the worst offenses ever to set foot in an NFL stadium. They're young where you want experience (QB, top WR), and old where you want youth (RB). My foolproof strategy this year was to not pick any Bengals. I was trying to tack Cedric Benson onto every trade proposal I made last year and you would have thought I was asking people if they wanted to snort a line of anthrax. I feel like I could blog for the next two or three hours and still not have done a good enough job conveying how much I dislike Cedric Benson for fantasy purposes this year. If I must move on, I don't particularly love the WRs here, but they're probably the tallest midget in this division. Wait a minute, is that AJ Green? Another Bengal? GAH SHELBY'S GOT THE PLAGUE!!

YOUR 2011 ASSHAT DIVISION CHAMPION: Aaron. I'm feeling pretty confident on that one.

UNCLE WALBO'S CHAMPIONSHIP PREVIEW EXTRAVAGANZA!!!!

Yeah! What he said!
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This year’s WFFL finals are like a classic wrestling match out of the 1980s WWF realm. Now, I might’ve just lost most of you who weren’t impressionable, young, geeky doofs watching Hulk Hogan cup his ear to the crowd and Ric “The Model” Martel spraying his Arrogance fragrance in opponents’ eyes. Well ‘eff off then, I’m going with it.

I’ve decided to break down the matchup between J-Hizzle and S-Nozzle as such:
We’ll measure charisma (aka how they GM’ed their team throughout the year); finishing move (aka the player who will make the biggest impact this weekend); and likability (aka who are we more biased against) to decide who’ll be cashing the first place check from Kaiser Fritz.

Onward! March!

Chicago Bear Grylls.
The team – OK, the GM – has resembled Mr. Perfect for most of the year. Much like the character Curt Henning played in arenas, J-Hizzle brings an I’m-better-than-you-so-don’t-try-to-beat-me approach to his team. Except he doesn’t swat his chewing gum into the audience like Henning (that was always so cool) or have a greasy perm.

Charisma
Very electric. Having the No. 1 pick helped GM-wise, for sure. However, LDT arguably has been a disappointment this year, which is still kinda insane to say considering he’s the No. 1 rated RB. But it just feels like he was off all year. However, the drafting of Adrian Peterson has worked out decently. OK, awesomely. Braylon Edwards has soared through the roof this year and acquiring Wes Welker midseason brought a solid No. 2 receiver.
However, missteps have included going with Chicago D early (we know the reasons why) and Vernon Davis at TE. Both have been disappointments.

Finishing Move
Adrian Peterson. In a must-win game against the Skins for playoff, do you think the Vikes will have Tarvaris Jackson throw 20 passes? Move back over, Chester, All Day is coming through.
(and for the record, Mr. Perfect’s finisher was the Perfectplex. So difficult to get out of.)

Likability
Mr. Perfect always was a bad guy in his wrestling days. J-Hizzle has been the unabashed leader of this riff-raff blog the entire season and brought lots of laughs and terrific analysis. He also has shied away from his early-season bravado and recently broke out the “Gee, golly, maybe AD won’t get 22 points against Chicago” last week. Ohhhh you!


The Canadian Cripplers
Since his squad is named for a wrestler, this makes my whacked out idea even better. TCC, however, more resemble the Hot Rod himself, “Rowdy” Roddy Piper. Can our future immigration lawyer cracked a coconut over the head of the Bear Grylls, just like Piper did to Jimmy Snuka?

Charisma
The best in the league. S-Nozzle took a flier on Randy Moss and, well, it sorta worked out. 19 TDs!!!! Wild. Meanwhile, he stayed at the top or near the top with a ragtag round of QBs. Now he has Garrard, who is red hot on a red-hot team.

Finishing Move
Well, Piper didn’t really have one. He just kinda stomped people. Just like he did in “They Live,” the John Carpenter sci-fi action film from 1988, which was on last weekend. Terrific stuff.
Moss. A favorable face-off against the Dolphins.

Likability.
Piper also was mostly a bad guy, though his wild ways later in his career endeared him to the crowds. Much like Shawn. He upperdecked a former girlfriend’s apartment, but now he is well behaved at functions. Still, there is that wild streak in the eyes.

The Pick.
This is a difficult one. Both sides have some very mouth-watering matchups. Can TCC’s running backs perform up to par with the Bear Grylls nearly impossibly stable of LDT and AD? Does Colston negate Welker? Or vice versa? Which QB comes up bigger against weak defense, Carson or Garrard?

Roddy Piper is a wild man. But Mr. Perfect does not lose.

Bear Grylls 118, Cripplers 102.

Uncle Walbo's Week 15 Semi-Final Preview Spectacular!!!

Uncle Walbo is back and ready to sink his big effin' teeth into another round of the WFFL 2007 playoffs.

So I went 3-1 last week with my predictions. Who would've known that every single person on License to Kim Jong Il would score a touchdown. Really, it was quite outrageous the output that team saw. Anyway, let's get to the breakdown.

This week we'll pit the final four teams together, see who has the cajones to pull it off and who will be floating along in the cesspool of the Consolation Ladder.

CHICAGO BEAR GRYLLS AT JABROC JUNK JABBERS

BEAR GRYLLS
Porn 'stache potential
James Jones. He's not starting, but a matchup against the St. Louis Rams just screams "Oh yeah, dropping loads all over Scott Linehan's headset!" But hey, I'm sure Sidney Rice will do well.

Favorable matchups
1. Carson Palmer, QB. Carson Pa-Pa gets the absolutely horrific 49ers to toy with. There could be major fireworks from him
2. LaDainian Tomlinson, RB. The Chargers play Detriot. Repeat. The Chargers play Detroit. If Marion Barber can dump three TDs on the Motor City team...

Hiccup alert!
Bears D. Yes, we know Hester's amazing return TDs have meant squat for the Bears squad all season, but for real. Where is the defense? The turnovers aren't there. Scant defensive touchdowns. The Vikings have shown they can Team Ramrod it down teams' throats on the ground. Is this a case of cutting off your nose to spite your face? (Peterson and Bears D).

JUNK JABBERS

Porn 'stache potential
Buccaneers D. Playing against a deflated team that got kicked in the nards by Bobby Petrino (!!), Tampa could see tons of turnovers, tons of "who cares, we suck" play and maybe a defensive TD.

Favorable matchups
1. Tony Gonzalez, TE. Just a stud. He's a fantastic matchup against anybody, even with those warm corpses, er QBs, that KC is using out there. Look for at least 80 yards and a score against the Titans.
2. Larry Fitzgerald, WR. Yeah, so Captain Kurt threw five picks last week. The Cards still love slingin' the ball, the Saints start Jason David at corner and this has potential to be a major shootout.

Hiccup alert!
Samkon Gado. He will not perform like that again. 22.6 points? No way.

The Pick
It's essentially Tony Romo versus Peterson and Tomlinson. Rich has had the magic all season. Look for an outburst from an unknown Junk Jabber for a squeaker of a victory.
Junk Jabbers 115, Bear Grylls 112.


CANADIAN CRIPPLERS AT LICENSE TO KIM JONG IL

CRIPPLERS
Porn 'stache potential
Randy Moss. Is there ANY doubt that the Patriots will be tossing long bombs on the New York Snitches all day long?

Favorable matchups
1. Marques Colston, WR. Facing an often porous Cardinals secondary. Colston has come on strong in the last seven weeks.
2. Willis McGahee, RB. Once again, the Cripplers get a nice boost by having a star player face off against a putrid team. In this case, it's the Fins. Big numbers await Willie.

Hiccup alert!
David Garrard, QB. Here's where we'll see if Shawn's GM skills are really top notch. Garrard faces off against the Steelers, who are reeling after a beating at the hands of New England.


KIM JONG IL

Porn 'stache potential
Ryan Grant, RB. Another very, very nice matchup against the Rams. Dude has been diesel and we here at ALSAP see no reason to say he won't repeat it this week.

Favorable matchups
1. In just one of several, watch for Reggie Wayne to go ape shit against the Raiders. Yes, the Raiders run D is mindblowingly bad, but watch out for the Manning-to-Wayne air attack. Teams seem to like lighting up the Raiders.
2. Packers D. If Brock Berlin (no, he does not have porn 'stache potential, though the name makes it hard not to think it) is starting for St. Louis, this is way way way way favorable.

Hiccup alert!
It's a weak one because J-Dome's matchups are really good this week: Kellen Winslow. He's facing off against a respectable Buffalo defense and is coming off a stinky 3.8 performance last week.

The Pick
If you just look at the matchups, J-Dome should win hands down. His team is littered with matchups against the Rams, Houston, Oakland and the Eagles. However, the Cripplers have been pretty steady throughout the season, save for that end-of-season losing streak. Well now they're back. Randy Moss could conceivably catch eight TDs this weekend. If Garrard can get two TD passes against the Steelers, that swings the momentum north of the border.
Kim Jong Il 133, Cripplers 120

TMSY: 12/11/07

And there was a ... FIRE FIGHT!

1 Thing I Think I Thought That Were

1. A LOT of hot action in the playoffs this weekend. And then there were four. Well, plus two -- because who can forget about The Consolation Ladder (aka the Toilet Brush Game)? Congrats to Junk Jabbers, Cripplers, Kim Jong Il and Bear Grylls. Look for another playoff preview blowout from yours truly later this week!

Uncle Walbo's Week 14 Playoff Preview Spectacular!!!

It's been a "rocky road" to the 2007 Westside FFL playoffs! (sorry, couldn't get the Goonies pic you sent me...)

EDITOR'S NOTE: For a fair and balanced look at Playoff Action, we bring in Senior Playoff Analyst, Mike Walbert. His words are below.


After 13 weeks of blood, sweat and horrible jokes, here stands Westside Fantasy Football League 2007, poised for the postseason to begin. Well, everyone except me, Deewaan, Matthew and Shelby. Fine.

It’s time to breakdown the playoff matchups, the matchups within the matchups and make predictions of who will prevail and who will be joining the loser brigade. Are. You. Reeeeeeeeady?


#8 HOLIDAYSBURG’S MICHAELPJACKSON at #1 JABROC JUNK JABBERS

JUNK JABBERS
Who Got Him Here
-Tony Romo (#2 ranked QB)
-Larry Fitzgerald (#7 ranked WR)
-Tony Gonzalez (#4 ranked TE)
Sasquatch Alert
-Santonio Holmes. If #10 can come back from his ankle injury, the Patriots have shown the last two weeks that they don’t care much to cover “decent” (Derrick Mason) to “terrible” (Greg Lewis) wide receivers. Holmes is considerably better than those guys.
Bajingo Alert
-Jesse Chatman. Facing off against a stout Buffalo defense playing their asses off this year, Chatman will struggle to get even half of the stupendously odd 20.5-point prediction by the beloved Hector & Victor.
Analysis
Rich has had to contend with the vicious venereal disease RBB (Reggie Bush’s Bullshit) all season. But the Simpson-slamming ways of Tony Romo have led the charge, combined with a major late-season surge by Gonzalez. Fitzgerald’s iffy status certainly harms the #1 team.


MICHAELPJACKSON
Who Got Him Here
-Tom Brady (#1 ranked QB and asshole)
-Vikings D (#1 ranked Defense)
Sasquatch Alert
Adrian Peterson. The other AP could find holes against a Redskins D that is tired and reliant more on defending the pass. Plus, there’s really no one else to choose. Oh, alright. Ronald Curry.
Bajingo Alert
Hines Ward. See above with Santanio Holmes. Holmes’ possible return could mean less passes coming Ward’s way.
Analysis
He took more shit than a fertilized corn field but still rallied into the final playoff spot. Adam’s surge hasn’t been a secret: Brady scores the major chunk of points and hope for inexplicable point production from sources like Desmond Clark or Isaac Bruce. With Brady around, as has been said all season, he has a puncher’s chance.

The Pick
While injuries could derail the Junk Jabbers season, the boys from Jabroc (is that in Tennessee?) simply have more viable, consistent scoring weapons than the MichaelPJackson. And Romo only averages 5 less points a game than Brady.
Junk Jabbers 132, MichaelPJackson 103.


#7 DEATH KNELL AT #2 LICENSE TO KIM JONG IL

KIM JONG IL
Who Got Him Here
-Peyton Manning (#5 ranked QB)
-Marion Barber III (#8 ranked RB)
-Reggie Wayne (#4 ranked WR)
Sasquatch Alert
-Ryan Grant. This unheralded running back managed to crack Green Bay’s atrocious 7-man rotation at tailback and has been a beast over the last six weeks. Facing a porous Oakland run defense and a dinged up Brett Favre means fantastic stuff for Mr. Grant.
Bajingo Alert
-Manning. Don’t sleep on the Baltimore Ravens D. The monster appeared to awaken this week against New England and they could be ornery still after the MNF debacle. Don’t be surprising if Manning struggles to throw more than two TDs against this unit.
Analysis
Jordache dealt for Manning and, honestly, it hasn’t been the windfall any of us expected. (Six points versus KC? Nineteen against San Diego?) His team was hovering around first before the trade and he won the weak Autobots division, but that could be more due to the collapse of Diz-eeZ-(insert name or word here)


DEATH KNELL
Who Got Him Here
-Brian Westbrook (#1 ranked RB)
-Earnest Graham (#12 ranked RB)
-Terrell Owens (#2 ranked WR and ass lesion)
Sasquatch Alert
-Owens. The Lions D is just puzzling. And the way Martz calls passing plays, expect a lot of punts and turnovers going Dallas’ way. No one can cover Owens on that team.
Bajingo Alert
-Kurt Warner. The Arizona Cardinals on the road is always a dangerous proposition (except when it’s in Philadelphia). And playing a Seahawks passing D that has allowed less than a dozen passing TDs all year in a harsh, nasty-weather environment is troubling. Oh, and Anquan Boldin and Larry Fitzgerald are likely out.
Analysis
Since the historic name change, Craig has been barnstorming the league and took a firm grasp of the #7 playoff spot. Westbrook has been sensational and Craig has also received timely contributions from Bobby Engram and Jamal Lewis.

The Pick
While having a very solid season, Jordan’s playoff seeding is right out of the NBA’s goofy rules. This matchup truly hinges on the quarterbacks. Which one will perform better and avoid costly turnovers and low yardage output? It’s a gut feeling here … and a mild upset.
Death Knell 137, Kim Jong Il 132


#6 OPTIMUS PRYMEZ’ DIZ-EEZ NUTZ!!! AT #3 THE CANADIAN CRIPPLERS

CRIPPLERS
Who Got Him Here
-Randy Moss (#1 ranked WR)
-Willis McGahee (#5 ranked RB)
Sasquatch Alert
-Marques Colston. Saints play the Falcons. That’s as far as I’ll go.
Bajingo Alert
-Willie Parker. Though ranked fairly well (#11 RB), Parker has found the end zone twice (week 2 and week 8) and faces the always difficult Patriots defense.
Analysis
Shawn ripped off a series of wins in the early part of the league, but a two-game losing steak cost him the top seed. Moss has been a shining star among some semi-turds. Lack of consistent QB play (he’s started half a dozen different guys this year) has hurt, but the big-play potential is there with Shockey and Colston and McGahee.


DIZ-EEZ NUTZ!!!
Who Got Him Here
-Nick Folk (#1 ranked Kicker)
-Steelers Defense (#4 ranked Defense)
-Matt Hasselbeck (#9 ranked QB)
Sasquatch Alert
Maurice Jones-Drew. The Jaguars play the Panthers this weekend and you can expect huge numbers from the guys in the weird black uniforms with the yellow splotch on their helmet.
Bajingo Alert
Steelers D. They face New England. Could be ugly. Or could be a bounty. Who knows at this point?
Analysis
Steelers D and Nick Folk… We’ve been saying it all year and it’s what’s been happening all year: Those two entities have kept Diz-eeZ NutZ!!! in the winners category – until of late. A three-game losing streak is never good entering the playoffs. However, Aaron’s roster moves, including picking up Roddy White, who received some sort of voodoo boost and leapt into the top-20 list of WRs somehow, have been solid to make up for a fairly lame draft.

The Pick
This will probably be the tightest contest of the four playoff games. Hasselbeck has been on fire, Torry Holt has come out of the doldrums and MJD has a terrific matchup. Then again, so does Colston and David Garrard will be tossing the skin against that Carolina D as well. Then there’s a guy named Moss on the Cripplers sideline as well. This game hinges on the Steelers’ performance against New England, plain and simple.
Cripplers 117, Diz-eeZ NutZ!!! 99


#5 HAWAII MCLOVIN AT #4 CHICAGO BEAR GRYLLS

GRYLLS
Who Got Him Here
-Adrian Peterson (#3 ranked RB)
-LaDainian Tomlinson (#2 ranked RB)
-Braylon Edwards (#3 ranked WR)
Sasquatch Alert
Adrian Peterson. He butts heads with a San Franciso team that smells worse than Deewaan’s college dates.
Bajingo Alert
Kevin Walter. He gets docked points just for his mugshot. But seriously, he’s up against a difficult Tampa Bay cover-two defense.
Analysis
No other team in this fantasy league had seven of nine starters ranking in the top 10 at their position, as of this writing. How is it possible that the Bear Grylls aren’t better than a 5-loss team then? Carson Palmer, while ranking seventh among QBs has been inconsistent at best and his stats are clouded by his 55-point outburst in week 2. However, the running backs are unstoppable. If Tomlinson can keep the momentum, well, it’s el-stinko for whoever faces Jon.


MCLOVIN
Who Got Him Here
-TJ Houshmanzadeh (#5 ranked WR)
-Clinton Portis (#7 ranked RB)
Sasquatch Alert
Andre Johnson. OK, so I’ll contradict myself from earlier. Yes, Johnson is against Tampa. But he has come out on fire from the missed time due to injury. He’s hot and he’ll stay hot.
Bajingo Alert
Justin Fargas. Green Bay is likely pissed about the Thursday game. And this contest is at Lambeau. Don’t expect too much yardage from Fargas, who was a shrewd pickup (I should know; had him on my roster)
Analysis
The Housh and Chad Johnson show has kept Paul in the upper echelon of the league. Up-and-down QB play (boy, there’s a real theme in the league this year!) has detracted from his success. But overcoming the loss of Larry Johnson, a top-three pick, has been impressive.

The Pick
The running back combo platter of AD and LDT is just vicious. I’m talking major diarrhea for the digestive system. Those two have favorable matchups, as does Edwards. Jason Campbell and Portis are gonna struggle against the Bears D.
Bear Grylls 139, McLovin 110

MMSY: 12/3/07

Glory days...
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5 Things I Think I Thought That Were

1. American Gangster was a terrific flick; caught it over the weekend. The acting was great and all, but the portrayal of Russell Crowe’s wallet stole the show. I mean that thing was CRAMMED into his jeans pocket. Jeez.

2. Wouldn’t it be nice for Joe to take the Alamo Bowl as an opportunity to ride off into the sunset? We’ll likely win that game in a thrilling 13-10 affair. We now know Joe’s salary. And we know it’s increasingly difficult for him to coach in big-game situations. It’s been a great 75 years at PSU, but it may be time to hand off the reins. WHO AM I KIDDING

3. I’d like to know Jordan take on AJ Feeley’s performance yesterday. Granted, I did not see any of the game, nor a single highlight because of my attendance at the Cards/Browns game (c’mon, Winslow HAD to have been pushed out of bounds at the end). But reading recaps and seeing the eye-popping 7 interceptions in two games has me wondering if all the cat callers aiming their venom at McNabb are rethinking their position at all? Feeley’s on par for a Doug Pederson-esque performance. Perhaps even Mike McMahon levels! Maybe, just maybe, this entire Eagles team is garbage disguised as a playoff contender. How else to explain the up-and-down nature of this squad this year?

4. A big pat on the back is in order for Big Brother Davis. Through all the ridicule of his drafting strategy, The Trade, and the massive losing streak at the beginning of the year, he stayed steadfast and now is on the cusp of the playoffs. A salute to you, my friend, from the toilet bowl known as “Not in da playoffs.”
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5. Good luck to all in the playoffs. I wish you the best in crashing and burning. Each and every one of you.

I Think I Think I Think....

THAT YOUR ASS IS HEADED TO THE CONSOLATION LADDER!!!

Bear Grylls takes no prisoners.

MMSY: 11/26/07

"Hmmm. Just HOW quick is Wes Welker? Please share, Sir Madden. Also, would you like to tinkle in my pot?"

5 Things I Think I Thought That Were

1. I think that I truly thank the Eagles, not only for really taking it, tooth and nail, to the Patriots, but for also shutting up the broadcast team about this ridiculous "best team ever" garbage. Usually that kind of conversation is reserved until after a team wins a championship. I said it aloud right before Madden and Michaels, but my greatest hope is the Eagles showed the league how to defeat EVIL NEW ENGLAND by mimicking the Eagles' gameplan. I'd say I'd want Pittsburgh to mimic that gameplan, but then I'd have to also eat my own foot.

2. I think Frank TV was pretty amusing, but I can see where the bit gets old after awhile. He already exhausted his Madden, Charles Barkley (which is downright awesome), GW Bush, Clinton and the cast of Seinfeld (his Kramer voice was spot-on). Once Dr. Phil is trotted out, it might be time to cancel Caliendo's show.

3. I think John Madden and Al Michaels helped me discover that:
a. Wes Welker is quick. He's quicker than quick. He's quicky. Honestly, did anyone else pick up on the excessive use of the Q-word last night?
b. Someone can make worse jokes than me. Case in point: Michaels making some corny pun about "touchy... FEELEY" when relaying an anecdote about AJ Feeley. Yuck yuck.

4. I think Kolby Smith = shrewd.

5. I think that I'm dumbfounded by this weekend's message board activity. I admit that I started the fire, but the Santa Anna winds blew in on it and the next thing you know everyone's evacuating the fire-ravaged message board for the weekend. Is it safe to return? What the eff happened? I'm cold.

Monday Afternoon Slobbering Yap: 11/19/07

A rocket scientist certainly wouldn't have missed the ending to that Browns/Ravens game.

5 Things I Think I Thought That Were

1. I think it's hilarious that, in this morning's emails, no one thought it was unusual that Adam said he quite nearly concussed himself by slamming his head into a car during a boozed-up snowball fight. Really, that didn't make anyone pause? I'm not sure what that says about Mountain Man that we all just kinda soaked it in and chalked it up to Davis being Davis. But it made me nearly cackle out loud.

2. I think I'll chime in with some Penn State game thoughts:
a. No one should be shocked or dismayed by that performance. All year they've played like they're a group of college kids on a road trip and their '92 Ford Taurus is only picking up easy listening stations as they travel through Nebraska. You know, Anne Murray and the like. They seem disinterested, demoralized and struggling for leadership. Not to mention satellite radio.
b. Yes, boys, Brent Carter looked great. But don't expect to see him play next year until game 6 or 7. Just 'cuz that's how Joe does stuff.
c. I think we all would love to see a special teams coach be created this offseason, yes? It's neat and all that Larry Johnson handles the kicking and Bradley (I think, who REALLY knows!) takes the coverage portion. But can we consolidate positions?

3. I think you all should be watching Kitchen Nightmares with Chef Gordon Ramsey on FOX. Terrific show. Where else can you hear self-important restauranteurs get called "donkies" by a foul-mouthed chef?

4. I think that as this NFL season has evolved, I've watched more Cleveland Browns games than Eagles games. I like the team. They're feisty. Plus I have Captain America Anderson on my roster. The fincy (that was Shawn-speak) and I have gone to a Browns backer sports bar known as the Sky Box in Glendale a handful of times. So there we were yesterday, enjoying the game, I'm spying the TV in the upper right corner with the Birds/Fins every now and then. Long story short, did we get to see the amazing ending of the Browns game? No. That's because we reluctantly had to leave early (before the ess even hit the fan) to listen to a relentless 2-hour pitch from a cookware company, just so we could get a free trip the fincy won at a bridal expo. And no, folks, we didn't buy the 19-piece set with the collander.

5. I think these fantasy playoffs are gonna be sweet, even if I'm likely to miss the boat this year. That just means I'll have to take the reins of impartial handicapper and playoff preview maven. Because really, can we have Citizen 10Cane doing these if he has a horse in the race? No! Oh, and I still think my trade wasn't that bad. Parker and Kitna really tore it up yesterday!

Grade The Trade: 11/9/07

Not-So-Breaking News: Bisbee and Canada have reached terms on a six-player deal. The trade sent Willie Parker and Jon Kitna to the Great White North, in return for Brian Griese, Kevin Jones, and Joey Galloway, who head out to the Wild Wild West.

From Shawn's Perspective:
Can't say I see a downside here. Shawn gets a Top-12 back, who is the workhorse runner on an offense best known for its workhorse runners. Parker will provide serious stability at the running back position, and pairing him with Willis McGahee gives him one of the best backfields in the league.
As for Kitna, he's at very worst a good fantasy backup, which is better than you could say about the QB's that the Cripplers have been trotting out on the field every week so far. Kitna has underperformed despite a plethora of talented receivers, but really, what else is new in Detroit?

From Mike's Perspective:
Mike recieves a three-player-combo-meal, which is to say he attempted to trade star power for depth. The only problem is, I'm not sure that's what he accomplished here.
Griese won't need to hit the field unless disaster strikes Derek Anderson, although given Sunday's injury and subsequent Rextacy, Griese might not be hitting any field but the practice field any time soon.
Kevin Jones has turned himself into a somewhat reliable option after missing the early part of the season. For the purposes of this trade review, I'm willing to overlook his Sunday stat line (4 carries, -4 yards, 1 TD). But all things considered, Mike's three backs are now Marshawn Lynch, Kevin Jones, and Najeh Davenport. That's not exactly the most comfortable situation.
Joey Galloway is the headliner in this deal for Mike, plain and simple. Galloway, who seems like he's been in the league forever at this point, is still playing some of his best ball, getting in a nice groove with Jeff Garcia. Bringing him into the starting lineup, and tossing turds like Jerry Porter and Santana Moss to the waiver wire may be the best thing about this trade for Mikey.

Overall: I'd have to say the edge goes to Shawn. Mike does get a big boost at WR, but he basically gives away a strong backup QB and one of the better runners in the league to do so. I'm not totally sure that's worth it. I hope you prove me wrong, Bisbee, because the Cripplers could be running away with my division title.

MMSY: 11/5/07

It's gonna take a Herculean effort for any of the Autobots (besides Aaron) to move into serious, serious playoff contention.

5 Things I Think I Thought That Were

1. I think that, since I won't be making the trip to Philly this weekend for the Temple festivities, I'd like to place odds on various things that COULD happen. Please add your own predictions in the comments section (wink, Hefty! Like me trying to get the participation going on your blog?? Yeah!):
a. 1-1 that Craig accidentally-on-purpose walks in on Melvin showering.
b. 3-1 that someone makes an uncomfortable joke about Paul's still-sour feelings on The Trade That Almost Was while around Adam. Crap, that happened on the ESPN message board already? Alright, let's bump it up to 7-2.
c. Pick 'em that I'll be wishing I was there, just to smear butter on someone's head whilst they slumber. Awwww, miss you guys!
d. I'd make more predictions but I was left off that email list and can't fully remember who is going. Kinda ruins that...

2. I think that, aside from committing armed robbery on a toddler (thanks, Paul!), the only other thing more enjoyable than watching Sunday night's Cowboys' thumping of the Birds was DVR'ing through the entire first half. Made that second touchdown drive seem much less painful. Wake me up when this season is over, it's April and the Eagles are on the clock.

3. I think someone should just give the Patriots the title. Just put us all out of our misery. There I was, at the Skybox in Glendale, beginning of the 4th quarter in that game. I was gloating beyond belief, happy that my obvious bias against Boston correctly led me to pick the Colts to win -- so I thought. Well, the rest of that 4th quarter made me throw up in my mouth and whiz my drawers. Note: I was able to eat chicken fingers and fries before losing control of bodily functions.

4. I think... eh. The Eagles are awful.

5. I think that anyone planning to make the trip to San Antonio to watch the Nitts is foolish. This weekend they'll slaughter Temple in front of the rowdy alumni. But all signs are pointing toward a tremendous letdown at East Lansing in two weeks. However, I must say I was happy to see Dan Connor take the all-time tackles lead at PSU. So happy that I prankcalled my former high school basketball coach repeatedly for the rest of Saturday afternoon. It was hilarious.

MMSY: 10/29/07

Feel the excitement! It's the Colts! It's the Pats! It's .... NEXXXXT!!!

5 Things I Think I Thought That Were

1. I think the best part about the Penn State/Ohio State "game" was the sign shown during ESPN College Gameday: "Finkel Is Einhorn." Simple. Short. Absolute genius. I've got more venom coming on that PSU effort in a bit.

2. I think that the hype meter might implode this week with the build up to Indianapolis/New England this coming weekend. I get it, I do.

This is going to be a terrific game between two teams that, clearly, are head and shoulders above the rest of the NFL. I also know that Tony Dungy has overcome severe personal tragedy to reach gigantic professional heights, all while helping folks along the way in a spiritual and motivational manner. That Bill Belichick still faces scrutiny over the camera thingy and wants to prove to the world that his team doesn't need to cheat to dominate. That the Patriots have old, yet wily linebackers. That the Colts are being viewed as "under the radar." That Bob Sanders is the straw that stirs the Colts defense. That Tom Brady is trying to not only take revenge on the Colts for their 2006 playoff demise, but also is trying to forcibly suffocate that single-season touchdown record that Peyton holds. Oh, and eff as many models as he can in a calendar year, too.

(Still with me? I've got tons of new angles that haven't been covered yet... OK, I'll stop).

3. I think that, since no one else seemed to give a damn about Hefty's 76ers post on Friday, that I'll chime in: OJ Mayo will not help this franchise. I don't buy, right now, that he's the best player for them (anybody think a legit center might help? Or better yet, the power forward that hasn't been present since Sir Charles came out to the desert in 1993? I loved Tyrone Hill and Charles Shackleford, but ... yeah.) In fact, I don't even buy that Mayo is the best of the one-year-and-done college kids (Kevin Love at UCLA; Eric Gordon at Indiana). Plus, Mayo has a stink-ass attitude. I say stay away from him.

Plus, we know this draft speculation will be rendered completely moot when they reel off a flurry of wins at the end of the season to sneak into the playoffs and promptly get jackhammered by the top seed.

4. I think that Hollywoodland is an excellent film. Stars Adrien Brody, Ben Affleck, Diane Lane and that guy from Who Framed Roger Rabbit? A taught (like a tiger) thriller about the mysterious death of 1950s television star George "Superman" Reeves. Mixed in is some humor and multiple (repeat: MULTIPLE) bare rear-end shots of Mr. Affleck. Fantastic stuff.

5. I think that my rant from the Michigan game, sadly, applies here again. It's almost becoming routine, this strategy where the coaching staff tries to minimize the team's mistakes by doing things that simply cannot help your team win:
a. Not blitzing a first-year starter making his biggest start of his career on the road. The two times (seriously, someone tell me if you counted more) that Penn State blitzed, they resulted in Dan Connor's interception and a Navarro Bowman sack.
b. Not throwing the ball downfield. My dad made a great observation in that, once we scored on that opening drive by running the ball very effectively, the gameplan got shifted to an extreme focus on the run. And it didn't work.
c. Keeping Andrew Quarless in to block rather than using his 6'5, 250-lb. frame in the passing game down the middle. If I, sitting in a crowded PSU alumni sports bar, can spot that every time Quarless tapped Morelli's ass that they would be running to the left of the line, well I'm just kinda sorta sure Ohio State figured it out.
d. That cowardly decision to punt when it was 4-and-2 at the Ohio State 38-yard-line. Change your diaper, Joe Pa.
e. Don't even get me started on the mandatory 15-yard cushion our defensive backs are instructed to give every receiver. It's a joke.

Monday Morning Slobbering Yap: 10/22/07

She said yes!

5 Things I Think I Thought That Were

1. I think it's high time to announce to the Westside fantasy football blogging world that I have joined the Dead Men Walking: I'm engaged. I asked Meg on a magical, 94-degree Saturday afternoon in a pumpkin patch. She said yes. Took her to McDonald's for a celebratory soda. Got some Cook's champagne later. Then got runkled like it was Blue/White 2005. Pictures are forthcoming.

2. I think I liked not watching the Eagles on Sunday. Partly was because I was hungover and didn't want to have Bears fans breathing on my ear at the sports bar. Partly because the Eagles are a flaming turd as a whole.

3. I think that Jon's assertion last week that the current top-six teams are pretty much assured a playoff spot is seriously flawed. For one, there are six games left in the Westside regular season. A team like the Cripplers? How long can they sustain with David Garrard or some other band-aid QB? Jordan's ship is close to capsizing. And Jon, even though we genuflect in front of his picking Tomlinson and Peterson, took his third loss. I'm just saying.

4. I think that we upset Ohio State at Beaver Stadium on Saturday night, 24-20. And I also think that, unlike this past Saturday, I won't be drinking several Washington Apples to celebrate. Melvin is correct when he tells me this: Washington Apples are not manly.

5. I think we HAVE to root for the Rockies, right? I mean, can Boston please go eff an alpaca or something. The Patriots are unbeaten, the Celtics have Garnett and the Sox return to the Series, so that I can see idiot New Engladers slobbering all over their sissy Sox clothing and dragging their knuckles as they walk to the concession stand for another hot dog. I hate it. So much worse than those swollen-head Steeler fans.

Monday Site News: Sleepy Kitten Edition

Cute!! Super Cute!!!!!!!!!!!!

Site News:

Today is Monday morning. You're used to seeing hard-hitting-double-teaming-bloggery from Mike and I. Like that first sip of coffee during the work week, you crave it. You need it. You're not sure you can start the day without it.

But you're not getting it this week.

I had to work from 12-8 yesterday, which is unequivocably my favorite 8 hour window in the entire week. Normally I'd be glued to both the TV and the Fantasycast, checking up on all the fantasy comings and goings, preparing myself to bang out one hell of a "Bajingos and Sasquatches" column. Instead, I was sneaking away to my Prius every thirty minutes to try to catch game updates on AM radio, while ducking stray gunfire in West Philadelphia. Needless to say, these two experiences are not all that similar. I caught maybe 10 minutes of the Bears-Packers game when I got home, but all in all, I missed the entirety of Sunday's action.
All hope is not lost, however, as I'll have a Photo Finishes column up today, previewing the Dallas-Buffalo game (read: blowout) tonight.

Also, there's no MMSY today. If you all ask nicely, there may be one next week.

But hey, at least you get to look at an adorable kitten.

Monday Morning Slobbering Yap: 10/1/07

Jerry Porter put a whipping on Monsignor Baldo and then donned the "Million Dollar Man" Ted DiBiase belt this weekend. Respect.

5 Things I Think That I Thought Were

1. I think you damn well know the numbers... 12 sacks and 15 penalties (Eagles), five turnovers (PSU) and nine men in the box (Steelers). What an abomination all around. Hey Steelers fans, welcome to watching a game where it feels like some chick in stelletos is just repeatedly stomping on your beanbag. Isn't it fun? WHY didn't Arians realize the Cards were stacking the box to stop Parker? WTF, Beavis.

2. I think I like the Phillies chances against either the Rockies or the Padres. And I like their chances even more against the next tier of opponents, the Dbacks and Cubs. Having watched the Dbacks all year, they have a couple of pitchers who give up a ton of runs (Doug Davis and Livan "Meatball Sub" Hernandez) and we know how the Phillies score. We'll see. I just jinxed them. The Mets are awesome, by the by!

3. I think you all should stay away from seeing The Black Dahlia, which stars Josh Harnett (worst actor in the world; he's as wooden as Hussein's magical growing nose), Scarlett Johansson (she doesn't even look great in it) and Hilary Swank (who bares her bottom. It's alright). The plot is convoluted, the acting is pretty poor and the film is too long. Overall, a major bummer.

4. I think this is what I hated about the weekend:
a. It's the same, tired-ass story with Penn State. Just an excrutiating experience and a colossal waste of talent and opportunities. What will it take for JoePa to come out of his coma?
b. Penn State.
c. Nittany Lions.
d. Joe.
e. Bringing out the spread offense early against Illinois. It works for a bit. And then shelve it.
f. Penn State.

5. I think this is what I liked about the weekend:
a. Meg's innocent question about Andy Reid, while we're watching that diarrhea fest last night and Tickle Me, Moustache is shown sweating in his trademark massive snowsuit: "Is it really cold there? ... Why is he wearing a ski jacket?" Many of us have wondered the same thing, dear.
b. Having Jerry Porter shove a giant middle finger in Jordan's face. How's that for analysis?
c. Seeing the undefeated Westside teams take it on the chin. Now we're in for a real race the rest of this fantasy season!
d. 0-4. Guess who.

Grade the Trade: 9/27/07

Mike Walbert and Jon Hefty announce a 5 player trade. Bisbee will receive Marshawn Lynch and Jerry Porter, and will send Jerrious Norwood, Wes Welker, and Matt Schaub to Chicago.
Also, since I'm far too biased to properly write this segment of Grade the Trade, I now turn things over to our dearest and baldest friend, Mr. Jordan K Yingling.

GRADE THE TRADE: Look out people, the 4th trade of the season is on the table and it could be the highest profile trade ever, ever…
That’s right folks, the most valuable fantasy asset this league has seen since the Cardinals defense of ’03 is swapping squads. Matt Schaub could be just the spark needed to turn the Chicago Bear Grylls season around. Let’s hit the stat sheet and see what the Grylls gave up to land this fantasy gem and a few low profile players to boot.

Bisbee Ball Maulers receive:
Jerry Porter, OAK – WR
2007: 3 Gm, 4 Rec, 92 Yds, 59 Y/G, 23 Avg, 1 TD
2006: 4 Gm, 1 Rec, 19 Yds, 5 Y/G, 19 Avg, 1 TD
2005: 16 Gm, 76 Rec, 942 Yds, 31 Y/G, 12 Avg, 5 TD

Marshawn Lynch BUF – RB
2007: 3 Gm, 57 Att, 228 Yds, 76 Y/G, 4.0 Avg, 2 TD

MY TAKE - MAULERS: Marshawn Lynch has shown that he has some solid talent and that he may pan out to be a solid NFL running back. He’s managed to gain a respectable 4.0 yrds per carry and has found paydirt twice already this season. Even more impressive he’s shown this skill against Denver, Pittsburgh, and New England. Unfortunately for him, he plays on the Bills. Buffalo boosts the most unproductive offensive unit in football, producing an average of 8 pts/game thus far. I’m not saying they’re the worst team in football, I’m just saying that they’re not better than any team any of you might think is the worst team in football. More importantly with games against BALT, NYJ, CIN, MIA, and NE upcoming none of these numbers should increase anytime soon.
Jerry Porter? Let’s just say that when I saw a clip of him scoring a touchdown last week I honestly thought I was watching a 2004 Oakland Raiders season recap. I honestly thought Art Shell had barred from the league for life. I know analysts are saying this guy is poised to have a big 2007, but personally I’d rather go skinny dipping with my Grandma than have him, or any other Raider for that matter, on my team.

Chicago Bear Grylls receive:
Jerious Norwood, ATL – RB
2007: 3 Gm, 20 Att, 95 Yds, 32 Y/G, 4.8 Avg, 0 TD
2006: 14 Gm, 99 Att, 633 Yds, 45 Y/G, 6.4 Avg, 2 TD

Wes Welker, NE – WR
2007: 3 Gm, 20 Rec, 221 Yds, 74 Y/G, 11 Avg, 1 TD
2006: 16 Gm, 67 Rec, 687 Yds, 43 Y/G, 10 Avg, 1 TD
2005: 16 Gm, 29 Rec, 434 Yds, 27 Y/G, 15 Avg, 0 TD

Matt Schaub, HOU – QB
2007: 3 Gm, 100 QBRat, 76 Cmp%, 688 Yds, 4 TD, 3 Int
2006: 16 Gm, 71 QBRat, 67 Cmp%, 208 Yds, 1 TD, 2 Int
2005: 16 Gm, 98 QBRat, 52 Cmp%, 495 Yds, 4 TD, 0 Int

MY TAKE - GRYLLS: I’m not going to beat around the bush here… cause that would be disgusting, but Jerious Norwood is an absolute animal. I know he’s not a number one Running Back on his team, but neither should Warrick Dunn be. He’s shown glimpses of genius throughout last year and a few times already this year. I give the Falcons 1 – 2 more games before they realize they’re wasting their time starting Warrick Dunn every game and not giving this young talent the reps he needs to break out in this league. Unlike with Lynch and the Bills, Norwood and the Falcons should have some serious opportunities to put up some yards in the next few games as they face HOU, TENN, NYG, and NO. In limited action this season he’s averaging 4.8 yrds /rush, given the opportunity he could get back to his impressive 6.4 yrds /rush average from last season.
Wes Welker… do we really need to say more than he’s a receiver for the Patriots? No, not really… but what the hell. Tom Brady has shown a solid connection with Welker thus far and with the way the Patriots are playing right now this has no reason to change. Add to this the fact that the Patriots cheat regularly and Welker’s consistent performance should continue throughout the year.
Okay, Matt Schaub is mediocre at best and should consistently sit on the Grylls’ bench. He’s got years of experience sittin the bench so this really shouldn’t be a change for him.


OVERALL: All in all, I got to give a slight nod to the Chicago Bear Grylls with this trade. Yes, I’m mainly basing this on the fact that I’m 100% sure Jerry Porter will break the league rules on substance abuse before the end of the season (I’m talking about weed. Just look at him, he loves it.) With the injury to Deuce McAllister, Marshawn Lynch gives the Maulers a starting running back to immediately patch up a thin fantasy RB lineup.
For the Grylls, the addition of a skilled wideout playing for the most productive offensive unit in the game right now should immediately bolster an already solid fantasy WR corps. Add to that the upside that comes with Norwood and the opportunity to unload the Sex Canon that comes with Schaub and you got yourself a fantasy trade victory. THE END.

Oh yeah, I forgot to talk about what Jerry Porter adds to the Maulers. Ummmmm, besides a reason to watch Raiders games… A headache? No, the answer is nothing. He brings nothing. He’s a terd. THE END.

Monday Morning Slobbering Yap: 9/24/07

Please, stop laughing at the Ball Maulers, Jim "The Anvil" Neidhart.

1. I think that I must've done something to receive these last two weeks of ass whoopings, all while I put up decent pointage. So, in rolling with that, this week I will take the opposite viewpoint on several issues, with the hopes that reverse psychology will help turn the luck around. Kinda like My Name is Earl or something...
a. I do not think Paul Davis will grow up to be a cunning pedophile.
b. Aaron's team is good, not lucky.
c. I respect Adam's drafting strategy. Also, he's not whining. Not at all. Neither am I.
d. Shelby isn't even thinking about sitting Kevin Curtis for Brandon Stokely. He's also not sitting with a gun to his head and a blowtorch near his eyeball.

2. I think single women everywhere should have their pink Tasers handy now that Shawn Hussein is on the prowl again. So I hear.

3. I think that Michigan game was just a total embarrassment to the Penn State community. Couldn't even talk about it immediately after the game was over. How sad. Joe, Jay, Galen. They're all complicit in that debacle. Let the guys succeed, coaches. Don't play like women. Triple Ugh.

4. I think I'll start backpedaling on my shouts about Randy Moss being overrated. OK, the guy is exceeding my expert expectations. I'm a man. I'll accept that. But I fully expect him to hit a woman in the crosswalk with his vehicle any day now.

5. I think Lady in the Water was terrible. Just saw it this week. M. Night's movies are some of my favorites but that was a stinker.

Monday Morning Slobbering Yap: 9/17/07

Heck, even Det. Nordberg found time this weekend to laugh at me.
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5 Things I Think That I Thought Were

1. I think ... well, I'll say this about the Chicago Bear Grylls/Bisbee Ball Maulers "matchup." Noah himself couldn't have built an adequately sized ark to combat CBG's flood of touchdowns. There hasn't been this much trauma inflicted on a group of people since the Trail of Tears (look it up on wikipedia, Melvin). Just effin' ridiculous. Let's move on.

2. I think the trade winds surrounding the BecaHigh DanKendras (god, I hate typing that SO much) and their key asset, Tom Brady, are set to pick up. MMSY has learned from sources close to league insiders who are familiar with the situation that someone anonymously told them about... you get the point. Word is, Adam is looking to deal Tom Brady and THEN deal Peyton Manning. In another possible deal, sources also say that a deal could go down between the Davis brothers, with Paul shipping Clinton Portis and Cadillac Williams to BHDK for Brady. Stay tuned.

I think these are some random thoughts on the weekend:
a. 3:10 To Yuma is a terrific, shoot-em-up film. Saw the original (black-and-white from 1957 or so) recently and the remake essentially measures up to it. Christian Bale is particularly good. And oh-so-pretty.
b. Look, boys. We're gonna beat Michigan. Get rid of that feeling in the pits of your stomachs. Ollie Ogbu will sprinkle some oregano flakes and dijon mustard on Michael Hart, and gobble him up. Craig, I suggest you add that recipe to The Untrained Chef, stat!
c. Going off the stellar momentum from the weekend, who thinks the Phils lose 2 of their next 3? Show of hands?

4. I think the way things are shaking out for Rich that he could be in the market to pick up Orenthal James Simpson at running back. Being charged with multiple felonies has got to be at least worth 5 points -- and that'd be more than his running backs have produced.

5. I think Slimmy being 2-0 has got to be the most enraging thing ever. Opie cannot win this year!

Monday Morning Slobbering Yap: 9/10/07

Romo? Almost 50 points? Burress? Almost 40? Something doesn't seem quite right...

.
1. I think Penn State's defense has the makings to be the best in Big Ten, certainly. But one could argue that the unit, which is displaying phenomenal speed, is among the top 5 defenses in the country this early into the season. And you can truly tell that the defensive line honed its hand-to-hand combat skills at Meridian II in the offseason. It's paying off in spades.

2. I think the Explosive Diarrhea General Manager of the Week Award goes to Ricardo Ely for that what-the-eff-no-really-stop-it!! performance by Tony "Hide The Balogna" Romo. Nearly a 50-point game?! What an explosive, wild and messy effort!

3. I think the Britney Spears performance at the MTV VMAs last night is on par with Jordan Yingling's various forays on to the basketball court. They both consisted of disjointed movement, ill-advised heaves and stretched vulvas.

4. I think we should expect to hear some hootin' and hollerin' from the Randy Moss camp in Westside V this week. It was one week, fellas, and the Jets secondary couldn't cover Deewaan's package. Hey, I think that's the J-E-T-S! in David's team logo!

5. I think the down-to-the-wire matchup between the Areolas and the Maulers could be one for the ages. It's time to choppy-choppy pee-pee!

Monday Morning Slobbering Yap: 9/3/07

Matthew Paul could spring an upset in Week 1 -- so long as he doesn't eat himself to death.

5 Things I Think That I Thought Were (9/3/07)

1. I think the opening matchup between Hefty and Melvin could be closer than the league pundits are saying (currently Melvin is down 6-1 in voting). Bear Grylls' personnel face some tough defensive matchups, including LDT against the Bears, Lynch has the Broncos, and Carson Pa-Pa facing off with the Ravens. Although Melvin's WR corps lacks some SERIOUS punch (let's see what this supposed trade with Richard brings him), I like the McNabb matchup against Green Bay, the Jags D and Tony "My Wife Puts All Yours To Shame" Gonzalez. This one could come down to a Devin Hester punt retu-- ... yeah, scratch that.

2. I think that HBO's Hard Knocks has been fantastic. Major kudos to the network for making the 2007 Kansas City Chiefs appear to be remotely interesting/good, and for exposing the cursing genius of Gunther Cunningham. I wanna wear a pair of Gun's hunting glasses while watching the games each Sunday.

3. I think the discussion about Randy Moss and his fantasy impact this year is intriguing. Many of us believe Shawn reached to select Moss, but there is a valid argument that he'll produce a decent amount of TDs because of New England's play-action and having burner Donte Stallworth playing opposite him. Then again, Moss hasn't seen playing time this preseason. Whatever the side of the argument you're on, I think we're all in agreement that Slimmy's 10 TD prediction for Moss is stoner-rifically off base.

4. I think that Larry Craig has made me reevaluate all those times at Newark International Airport that I fiddled under the stall next to me. Honestly, I was just looking for my... boarding pass. Yes. Kudos to Melvin for the team name, by the way.

5. I think the opening weekend of college football could not have gone better. A convincing Penn State victory topped almost immediately by that thrilling App State win and the blowtorching of Notre Dame. Watching at the alumni bar in Tempe, about 35 PSU fans stuck around and just laughed following the Michigan game. And laughed. And laughed. Hey, at least UM can still count unemployed Dhani Jones as one of its distinguished alumni.