The Most Accurate Thing You'll Ever Read Ever Ever

Not pictured: My raging boner.

First of all, let me say how proud I am of Craig. His first day on the job, and he's already banged out two preview columns. Well done, sir. You're the perfect running mate for my presidential campaign. There I am; John McCain...can't lift my arms, old, fat cheeks, weakened, cranky, and smell like a three day old French Onion soup, and here you come, my Sarah Palin...ready to breathe new life into a dying effort. Well done, good sir.

Unfortunately for Craig, I'm stepping on his two previous posts for a rare spectacle of Bloggery, but it's necessary. The NFL season officially started 46 minutes ago, and I have yet to chime in on the state of the 2008 Philadelphia Eagles. So sorry Craig, but I've gotta take center stage.

The 2008 Eagles enter the season with some new faces (yo, Asante!!), some disgruntled faces (wassamattayou, Lito??), and some faces that look especially bloated in High Def (dear Lord, Andy). I've seen a number of previews on the Eagles this season, and the hopes are generally high. Both Dr. Z and Gene Wojciechowskisiskworski have the Eagles in the Super Bowl (although losing to the Pats, a scenario that would make me remove my rectum with a garden rake), and I'd say 95% of the other predictions have the Eagles no worse than a wild card team. Do I agree? I think so, but let's sloooooooow it down and take things one game at a time.

Joining me for this year's prognostications is my on again-off again lover, Miss Crown Royal. Needless to say, we're on. And IT'S on. Let's go.

Week 1: vs. Rams
Let's put it this way, this is the week where I'm really glad I went with Brian Westbrook over Adrian Peterson. The Eagles really shouldn't struggle with this game at all, and I see it as a good opportunity for the wideouts to develop chemistry with Donovan to start the season while Kevin Curtis is out. The one thing the Eagles have going against them is Andy Reid's history in season openers, which is something like 3-7. I absolutely think they'll win, but there's probably still some rust on the chainsaw.
Eagles 24, Rams 17 (Record: 1-0)

Week 2: @ Cowboys (MNF)
I think the Cowboys are the best team in the NFC, and although the wheels could definitely come off this team at some point, Week 2 is way too early. Dallas is too talented, and I definitely think people are underestimating the Pacman Jones impact. He's like Devin Hester, if only Devin Hester could play cornerback and not just be a gimmicky wide reciever (remember, Hester was drafted as a CB). I think we put up a decent fight, but Dallas wins, regardless of whether Jessica, Ashlee, or OJ Simpson is in the crowd to cheer on Tony Romo.
Eagles 23, Cowboys 31 (Record: 1-1)

Week 3: vs. Steelers
Me and Deewaan are going to this game because he's the coolest Best Man who's ever Best Manned. The Steelers absolutely throttled the Eagles the last time they played, back in 2004, but the tables should be turned this year. The Steelers have questions on both sides of the line of scrimmage, and that's probably where the Eagles are most solid this year. Besides, I'd have to be an idiot to pick the Steelers in a game where my yinzer wife was tagging along.
Eagles 28, Steelers 16 (Record: 2-1)

Week 4: @ Bears (SNF)
The Eagles giftwrapped a game for the Bears last year, making Brian Greise look like John Elway as he led Chicago on a historic 2 minute drive. I say historic because I don't think I've ever seen 11 men all quit at the exact same moment, but that's exactly what the Eagles defense did. It was unreal. Anyway, Donovan McNabb usually plays well in his hometown, and I expect the wide recievers to have built a good bit of confidence by this point in the season. I'll also put this on paper...after this game, people will be asking if DeSean Jackson is the NEW Devin Hester. No, tools, he's better.
Eagles 34, Bears 13 (Record: 3-1)

Week 5: vs. Redskins
I'm watching the Redskins right now. I know they're playing the Super Bowl champs and everything, but you know what they look like???? Thawed out dogshit.
Eagles 35, Redskins 10 (Record: 4-1)

Week 6: @49ers
This game's not until 4:15, which means I'll have to wait three hours longer than I'd like to watch Asante Samuel return two JT O'Sullivan picks for touchdowns. Oh well, I can wait.
Eagles 42, 49ers 6 (Record: 5-1)

Week 7: BYE

Week 8: vs. Falcons
Andy Reid wins every game following a bye week. The Falcons are possibly picking #1 in next year's draft. I know the last three games I've picked have been Eagles blowouts, but honestly, they could make the spread on this game 30 points and I'd still take the Eagles.
Eagles 45, Falcons 10 (Record: 6-1)

Week 9: @ Seahawks
Bold Prediction - After Julius Jones ruptures a hammy in the season opener, and TJ Duckett runs for less than 30 yards in three straight games, the Seahawks sign Shaun Alexander for the veteran minimum. Inspired to earn another NFL contract and prove he's still got something left in the tank, he reverts to his 2005 form and rushes for 125 yards in his first game back. Crazy, right? Yeah, but other than this scenario, I'm not sure why the Seahawks would be favored in this game. I've got to give the Eagles a loss before my credibility goes flying out the window, so I'll say the game is lost on a freak fumble on a botched field goal attempt.
Eagles 17, Seahawks 24 (Record: 6-2)

Week 10: vs. Giants (SNF)
Watching the season opener tonight, three things impress me...1) The Smooth, Delicious, Warm Flavor of Crown Royal, 2) Megan Fox in the High Def Transformers commercials, and 3) The G-Men. This is the doomsday scenario for the NFC East. The Giants are already playing the "nobody believes in us card" this season, now they're throttling a division opponent and reminding themselves that their quarterback is the reigning Super Bowl MVP. I'll buy the hype. Fun fact: As of this game, we'll know whether McCain or Obama is our next president.
Eagles 21, Giants 28 (Record: 6-3)

Week 11: @ Bengals
Chris Henry won't last the season on Cincinnati's roster, Chad Ocho Cinco's labrum injury will stop him from being a gamebreaker, and the Bengals will regret dumping Rudi Johnson. Seriously, this team has so many dumbasses on it, and they cut a guy who's never had a problem with his coaching staff, his teammates, or the law. Really smart. What's the thesis sentence, English majors?? Here it is. THE BENGALS BLOW AND DO EVERYTHING WRONG.
Eagles 31, Bengals 20 (Record: 7-3)

Week 12: @ Ravens
Joe Flacco's cousin goes to my church. Other than that, I have nothing good to say about this team.
Eagles 20, Ravens 10 (Record: 8-3)

Week 13: vs. Cardinals (Thanksgiving Night)
Here's the second game of the season I'm going to. My only real fear here is that me and my dad are going together, and every time we see an Eagles game together, something horrific happens (see: Ricky Watters "For Who For What", Donovan McNabb's exploding ACL...) I'll be honest with you, I don't care if the Eagles lose by 600 points, so long as I eat four turkey legs and drink three quarts of bourbon. But, since I'm predicting, I'll go with an upset. Cardinals win a lopsided game, as Andy Reid pulls a Paterno and runs off the field mid-game to empty his bowels after nine turkey pot pies.
Eagles 12, Cardinals 31 (Record: 8-4)

Week 14: @ Giants
Super Bowl Champs or not, we don't get swept by Eli and the boys. We've got a long week to recover after the Thanksgiving game, and a lot of film to watch after the loss earlier in the season. The Giants will be the favorites, but they won't win this one.
Eagles 23, Giants 21 (Record: 9-4)

Week 15: vs. Browns (MNF)
I think the Browns might be horrible this season. They're just being hyped too much for a team that hasn't made the playoffs since the glory days of Kelly Holcomb. Jamal Lewis can't possibly have a year like last year, Derek Anderson might have been figured out, and Kellen Winslow might be out of the NFL after President-Elect John McCain reinstates the Selective Service Draft and K2 is a Navy Seal on a black ops mission in Pyongyang hunting down Jordan's girlfriend's uncle.
Eagles 34, Browns 20 (Record: 10-4, Sweep AFC North)

Week 16: @ Redskins
Inspired by the tragic murder of safety LaRon Landry, the Redskins galvanize and come into this game on a three game winning streak, which boosts their season win total to three. However, the magic ends as Donovan and company move into a tie with the Cowboys after this win, setting up a Week 17 showdown for all the marbles.
Eagles 26, Redskins 21 (Record: 11-4)

Week 17: vs. Cowboys
While most teams this week will be trying to lose to gain an extra two slots in the 2009 draft, the Eagles and Cowboys are playing for the division crown, a bye week, and homefield throughout the playoffs. The game gets out of reach just after halftime though, and the Eagles back into the playoffs as the #5 seed, a wild card berth.
Eagles 14, Cowboys 28 (Record: 11-5)

Wild Card Round: @ Cardinals (NFC West Champs)
The Cardinals win this horrible division with a putrid 8-8 record over the Seahawks, who finish at 7-9. Embarrassed by the Thanksgiving Day debacle, the Eagles come out fired up and make this game a laugher by the end of the first quarter. The Cardinals' dynamic duo of Larry Fitzgerald and Anquan Boldin are so humbled by the loss, that after the game, they beg the Eagles to trade for them in the offseason. They don't.
Eagles 38, Cardinals 6

Divisional Round: @ Cowboys (NFC East Champs)
Tony Romo, fresh off a bye-week vacation to Amsterdam with his new celebrity girlfriend, Miley Cyrus, goes 6 for 32 for 61 yards and 3 INTs. Terrell Owens is so pissed off after the game that he demands to be traded in the offseason, and when asked which team he'd be interested in going to, he breaks down crying and begs Donovan McNabb and the Eagles to take him back in the offseason. They don't.
Eagles 27, Cowboys 10

NFC Championship: @ Saints (NFC South Champs)
Drew Brees, fresh off his MVP season, is rolling on all cylinders as he spreads the ball around all night to his favorite targets, Reggie Bush, Jeremy Shockey, and Marques Colston (notice I didn't say Robert Meachem!!). The game ends on a controversial call by Andy Reid, who decides to punt on 4th and 2 rather than hand the ball to Pro Bowl fullback Tony Hunt, who's a remarkable 22 for 22 on third and fourth down conversions on the season. The season ends in the Big Easy once again.
Eagles 23, Saints 24

So there you have it. My semi-drunk look in to the future of everybody's favorite hometown team. But seriously, as long as I get those turkey legs and bourbon, they can go 0-16 and I'll be one happy dude.

Pulling A Favre

I'm following my heart and going out on top.
Or am I?????

OK. You came here expecting draft grades. But I've got an unfortunate site announcement. Brace yourself.

I don't think I've got it in me this year. I'm hanging up my blogging shoes.

Why? A number of reasons, which I'll now list in no particular order:

1. My work situation: When I ran this site last year, I was working in a doublewide up in rural Bath where I had a direct supervisor about two days a week. Now, I'm in our main office, and can't even keep Hotmail up for 30 seconds without a vice president gliding down the hall and checking out my 22" monitor to make sure I'm getting my TPS reports done in time. Trust me, I did a LOT of the blogging at work last year, and it's just not possible now.

2. The house: Frankly, when I come home from work, there's a lot of shit to do. I can't justify spending 90 minutes on Bajingos and Sasquatches while there's lighting fixtures to hang and boxes to unpack.

3. The letdown factor: Last year was the best year of my illustrious fantasy career, and I won my first ever championship. Blogging along the way made it even more fun, but I'm worried I can't top the experience, and if I'm not into it, the work will suck.

4. My dear readers: You deserve the finest quality blog your non-money can buy. I worry that I'm out of jokes, out of outrageous Google Image photos, and out of Karate Kid YouTube videos. I don't want to be giving you a run of the mill site, and that's probably what you'd be getting.

5. Kal Penn: The last two movies I saw with him in it sucked. "Epic Movie" and "Bachelor Party Vegas" were so lame that I worry that I may be starting to sour on everybody's favorite Bengali Bombshell.

6. The wife: I've got some serious banging to do.

So, that's the deal. If you hated the blog, this is good news. If you enjoyed the blog, I apologize. I do however promise the same high quality material you've come to expect from every group e-mail I send.

As a parting gift, I will offer you my abbreviated preseason post-draft power rankings, with limited commentary where necessary. Enjoy.

1. Jordan - Manning/Favre is a pretty good combo, even if I hate them both with all my soul. He's also got a guy who could have been the #1 pick at #3, Adrian Peterson. If Peterson is healthy, Jordan's the top team.

2. Craig - I hate the QB's, but Marion Barber and Ryan Grant is the best combo backfield of any team in the league.

3. Davis - Tomlinson leads the way, but there's a lot of high ceiling guys here like MoJo Drew, McNabb and Marques Colston. Kellen Winslow is a double digit touchdown guy this year, no question about it.

4. Hefty - I took the homer route and picked Westbrook. Then in the next round, I went polar opposite and took the face of my least favorite franchise in all of sports, Tony Romo. That's called hedging your bets, and it basically means I'm a pussy.

5. Mike - I think Drew Brees will end up with the best QB stats in the league this year. I also love the WR-WR strategy to get Moss and Braylon Edwards, however, as you can guess, it means he's starting two warm corpses at RB.

6. Shawn - This year, Shawn rolls with the hot rooks at running back, Darren Mc Fadden and Jonathan Stewart. He's also got Marshawn Lynch and Larry Johnson. Very deep team, with only one torn labrum standing between him and an excellent draft.

7. Melvin - I obviously love the Tom Brady pick, but the rest of the team has a lot of holes. Still, Melvin should definitely win more than one matchup this year.

8. Deewaan - I'm not a real big Derek Anderson guy, but this team is well drafted, with a lot of quality starters and some backups with potential to contribute.

9. Aaron - Overall, a smart draft, with a couple of hiccups. He handcuffed Portis with Betts, and if Marvin Harrison can keep his hands off of firearms this season, he could be the steal of the draft.

10. Jonesy - I'm hoping TO has a big year now that I have Romo, and I think the other starting wideouts are solid as well. A lot of reaches in the draft, but overall, not bad for a first effort in the league.

11. Shelby - I think Peyton is going to have a down year. He may not be ready for Week 1, and there's questions about MarHar. I don't love the running backs here, and I don't even like the wide receivers.

12. Rich - What a difference a year makes. Last year's preseason number 1 finds himself at the bottom of the rankings as he rolls out a baffling draft strategy. Three mediocre quarterbacks, only three running backs, two tight ends and two defenses. Must have been a fun honeymoon.

So there you have it. My first and possibly last posting of the season. If something big happens, I may chime in at some point during the season, but for now, I'm happy to watch this season from the sidelines and just enjoy riding my tractor in Mississippi with a fresh new pair of Wranglers.

Third Place Is Second Loser

Ah, Bronze...crappiest of all the precious metals.

I'm not sure who decided the hierarchy of medals for rewarding competitors. Some say it was the Ancient Greeks. Others, the Chinese. But no mater who came up with this idea, it's safe to say they should have just awarded a Gold and Silver and called it a day. The bronze looks cheap. It's malleable and tarnishes quickly, and in many ways, so are Bronze Medal winners. They're significant only because they stand on the lowest step of a podium, and then their memory is quickly forgotten.

In horse racing, there are three options; Win (1st), Place (2nd), or Show (3rd). Show? What the hell does that mean? You showed up? Wow, sounds mighty impressive! So did 7 other horses that also didn't win.

However, all animosity for third placery aside, this league actually offers a rather tantalizing runner-up game. And besides, if this were really the WWF, for every Mankind vs. Triple H hell-in-a-cell pay-per-view headliner, you get at least six to ten X-Pac vs. Shane McMahon for the European Championship type undercards. I like our version though: Jordan's Ils will take on Rich's Jabbers for the jackpot sum of $75. Which means slightly more than Craig won this season. Not a great prize, but I still dig the matchup. Let's peek around and get somebody set up with a direct deposit for the check.

3rd Place Game: L2KJI vs. JJJ

QBs: Peyton Manning vs. Tony Romo - Slight Edge: Rich.
This Jessica Simpson bullshit story is ridiculous. Do you want to know what this is? This is sportscasters trying to find a relevant way to announce that they'd like to bang Jessica. Big deal. We know, guys. The fact of the matter is, reporting on sports makes it difficult to discuss hot chicks at work unless they're front and center a la J-Simp. Guess what? If Romo had thrown six touchdowns last week, the story still would have revolved around Jessica. Fact: this is exactly the reason we do movie reviews on ALSAP, so I can throw up the occasional Lindsay Lohan pic and not have it seem perverted.

RBs: Marion Barber and Ryan Grant vs. Larry Maroney and Ron Dayne - GIANT Edge: Jordan.
I love Jordan's backs. I also love Jordan's back hair, but that's another column entirely. Barber gets to dine on Panther carcass, and Ryan Grant will eat the finest Bear meats in the land. Meanwhile, Maroney will be getting six carries, and Dayne will be fat.

WRs: Reggie Wayne, Greg Jennings, and Brandon Marshall vs. Larry Fitzgerald, Santonio Holmes and Lee Evans - Edge: PUSH.
I get throbbing wood when I watch Reggie Wayne play, this Marshall kid seems like a perrenial stud in the making, and Greg Jennings seems to catch a touchdown every single week. Rich's receivers are probably less talented as a whole, but always seem like they're one play away from unleashing fantasy hell on Rich's opponents. I also like their matchups slightly more. Larry Fitzgerald vs. the Falcons?! Come ON!!

TE/D/K (aka Intangibles): Kellen Winslow, Packers, Jeff Reed vs. Tony Gonzalez, Buccaneers, Mason Crosby - Edge: Jordan.
This is where the battle will be won. Winslow plays the Bengals and could go bananas. The Packers play Cowboy Kyle Orton (that's another WWF reference!!), and Jeff Reed already put up 11 points. Meanwhile, the Buccaneers and Crosby almost singlehandedly beat me last week, so I'm calling for them to cool off a bit.

YOUR Winner and NEW Bronze Medal Holders: License to Kim Jong Il.

Week 15 Photo Finishes: All Night Peterson

All Day trampled the Bears for 51 fantasy points last time they met. Can he continue his success tonight?

Deep breath. Cleansing thoughts.

Ok, now we're ready. First of all, let me congratulate Mr. Hussein on his performance yesterday. Welcome to the championship, sir. It's well deserved. Now, with those formalities out of the way, let's focus on the real business at hand. As many of you might have noticed, my Jabar Gaffney-Wes Welker tandem did slightly less record book trampling than I had imagined. As a result, I now find myself staring up at Rich from the bottom of a 23.9 point hole. Lucky for me, Rich shot all his bullets during yesterday's games, so I don't have to worry about making up any extra ground, just the 24 points. At my disposal will be Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Peterson. Peterson has had an astounding rookie season, don't get me wrong. But when you comb through his numbers this year, he's more up and down than you might think. Sure, he busted up the Chargers to the tune of 296 yards and 3 TDs. But then there's games like last week where he went for...ahem...3 yards.

Something's got to give tonight. Peterson strikes me as a poised, confident, kid. The type who hates statlines like last week's and wants desperately to erase them from memory. When it was questioned if he should play again this season, he came back from a sprained LCL after only two weeks and had a monster game against Detroit. Now, with the Kornheisers and Jaworskis of the world likely bringing up his 14 carries, 3 yards in front of a national audience, I believe he's the type of guy who desperately wants to show them something to praise instead.

Here's how I see the game going tonight. I believe Brad Childress will lean on Chester Taylor early in the game, as he's been the more consistent runner of late. I also think he wants to keep Peterson's workload light, but he knows that the Vikings HAVE to win this game to stay in the driver's seat for the playoffs. So I think his hand is forced slightly and he has to play Peterson more than he'd hope to. He'll be close to 20 carries, but not quite that many. Maybe 16 or 17. Peterson is still averaging 6.1 yards per carry on the season, so if he maintains that line, he should be right up around 100 yards. So there's 11 points. I say he also gets a swing pass in the red zone and takes it in for a touchdown on his only catch of the game. So there's another 7 points. Sadly, that's all I think he's good for tonight. 18 points.

That's a nice day, but it's still not to get me over the hump. So I'll need at least 6 points out of the Bears D to get me into the Championship. I think they're up for it. Improved or not, Tarvaris Jackson is still Tarvaris Jackson. He throws a costly pick-six which should be enough for the Chicago Bears to put the Chicago Bear Grylls into the Title Round.

My Prediction: Junk Jabbers 98.8, Bear Grylls 104.8
Hector and Victor's Prediction: Junk Jabbers 98.8, Bear Grylls 106.3

Uncle Walbo's Week 15 Semi-Final Preview Spectacular!!!

Uncle Walbo is back and ready to sink his big effin' teeth into another round of the WFFL 2007 playoffs.

So I went 3-1 last week with my predictions. Who would've known that every single person on License to Kim Jong Il would score a touchdown. Really, it was quite outrageous the output that team saw. Anyway, let's get to the breakdown.

This week we'll pit the final four teams together, see who has the cajones to pull it off and who will be floating along in the cesspool of the Consolation Ladder.

CHICAGO BEAR GRYLLS AT JABROC JUNK JABBERS

BEAR GRYLLS
Porn 'stache potential
James Jones. He's not starting, but a matchup against the St. Louis Rams just screams "Oh yeah, dropping loads all over Scott Linehan's headset!" But hey, I'm sure Sidney Rice will do well.

Favorable matchups
1. Carson Palmer, QB. Carson Pa-Pa gets the absolutely horrific 49ers to toy with. There could be major fireworks from him
2. LaDainian Tomlinson, RB. The Chargers play Detriot. Repeat. The Chargers play Detroit. If Marion Barber can dump three TDs on the Motor City team...

Hiccup alert!
Bears D. Yes, we know Hester's amazing return TDs have meant squat for the Bears squad all season, but for real. Where is the defense? The turnovers aren't there. Scant defensive touchdowns. The Vikings have shown they can Team Ramrod it down teams' throats on the ground. Is this a case of cutting off your nose to spite your face? (Peterson and Bears D).

JUNK JABBERS

Porn 'stache potential
Buccaneers D. Playing against a deflated team that got kicked in the nards by Bobby Petrino (!!), Tampa could see tons of turnovers, tons of "who cares, we suck" play and maybe a defensive TD.

Favorable matchups
1. Tony Gonzalez, TE. Just a stud. He's a fantastic matchup against anybody, even with those warm corpses, er QBs, that KC is using out there. Look for at least 80 yards and a score against the Titans.
2. Larry Fitzgerald, WR. Yeah, so Captain Kurt threw five picks last week. The Cards still love slingin' the ball, the Saints start Jason David at corner and this has potential to be a major shootout.

Hiccup alert!
Samkon Gado. He will not perform like that again. 22.6 points? No way.

The Pick
It's essentially Tony Romo versus Peterson and Tomlinson. Rich has had the magic all season. Look for an outburst from an unknown Junk Jabber for a squeaker of a victory.
Junk Jabbers 115, Bear Grylls 112.


CANADIAN CRIPPLERS AT LICENSE TO KIM JONG IL

CRIPPLERS
Porn 'stache potential
Randy Moss. Is there ANY doubt that the Patriots will be tossing long bombs on the New York Snitches all day long?

Favorable matchups
1. Marques Colston, WR. Facing an often porous Cardinals secondary. Colston has come on strong in the last seven weeks.
2. Willis McGahee, RB. Once again, the Cripplers get a nice boost by having a star player face off against a putrid team. In this case, it's the Fins. Big numbers await Willie.

Hiccup alert!
David Garrard, QB. Here's where we'll see if Shawn's GM skills are really top notch. Garrard faces off against the Steelers, who are reeling after a beating at the hands of New England.


KIM JONG IL

Porn 'stache potential
Ryan Grant, RB. Another very, very nice matchup against the Rams. Dude has been diesel and we here at ALSAP see no reason to say he won't repeat it this week.

Favorable matchups
1. In just one of several, watch for Reggie Wayne to go ape shit against the Raiders. Yes, the Raiders run D is mindblowingly bad, but watch out for the Manning-to-Wayne air attack. Teams seem to like lighting up the Raiders.
2. Packers D. If Brock Berlin (no, he does not have porn 'stache potential, though the name makes it hard not to think it) is starting for St. Louis, this is way way way way favorable.

Hiccup alert!
It's a weak one because J-Dome's matchups are really good this week: Kellen Winslow. He's facing off against a respectable Buffalo defense and is coming off a stinky 3.8 performance last week.

The Pick
If you just look at the matchups, J-Dome should win hands down. His team is littered with matchups against the Rams, Houston, Oakland and the Eagles. However, the Cripplers have been pretty steady throughout the season, save for that end-of-season losing streak. Well now they're back. Randy Moss could conceivably catch eight TDs this weekend. If Garrard can get two TD passes against the Steelers, that swings the momentum north of the border.
Kim Jong Il 133, Cripplers 120

Special Playoff Edition: Photo Finishes!

Will Matt Stover be a hero or just another lonesome kicker?

Thanks to some late game heroics by Wes Welker, I'm now leading SlimJim by 15.9 points. He's got only Stover left to go. I've already chewed through three fingernails, and I'm sure by the time the game actually starts I'll be puking.

Indy's defense is solid enough to shut down the Ravens offense. I think I'll be alright, but it's going to be much closer than I would like it.

Uncle Walbo's Week 14 Playoff Preview Spectacular!!!

It's been a "rocky road" to the 2007 Westside FFL playoffs! (sorry, couldn't get the Goonies pic you sent me...)

EDITOR'S NOTE: For a fair and balanced look at Playoff Action, we bring in Senior Playoff Analyst, Mike Walbert. His words are below.


After 13 weeks of blood, sweat and horrible jokes, here stands Westside Fantasy Football League 2007, poised for the postseason to begin. Well, everyone except me, Deewaan, Matthew and Shelby. Fine.

It’s time to breakdown the playoff matchups, the matchups within the matchups and make predictions of who will prevail and who will be joining the loser brigade. Are. You. Reeeeeeeeady?


#8 HOLIDAYSBURG’S MICHAELPJACKSON at #1 JABROC JUNK JABBERS

JUNK JABBERS
Who Got Him Here
-Tony Romo (#2 ranked QB)
-Larry Fitzgerald (#7 ranked WR)
-Tony Gonzalez (#4 ranked TE)
Sasquatch Alert
-Santonio Holmes. If #10 can come back from his ankle injury, the Patriots have shown the last two weeks that they don’t care much to cover “decent” (Derrick Mason) to “terrible” (Greg Lewis) wide receivers. Holmes is considerably better than those guys.
Bajingo Alert
-Jesse Chatman. Facing off against a stout Buffalo defense playing their asses off this year, Chatman will struggle to get even half of the stupendously odd 20.5-point prediction by the beloved Hector & Victor.
Analysis
Rich has had to contend with the vicious venereal disease RBB (Reggie Bush’s Bullshit) all season. But the Simpson-slamming ways of Tony Romo have led the charge, combined with a major late-season surge by Gonzalez. Fitzgerald’s iffy status certainly harms the #1 team.


MICHAELPJACKSON
Who Got Him Here
-Tom Brady (#1 ranked QB and asshole)
-Vikings D (#1 ranked Defense)
Sasquatch Alert
Adrian Peterson. The other AP could find holes against a Redskins D that is tired and reliant more on defending the pass. Plus, there’s really no one else to choose. Oh, alright. Ronald Curry.
Bajingo Alert
Hines Ward. See above with Santanio Holmes. Holmes’ possible return could mean less passes coming Ward’s way.
Analysis
He took more shit than a fertilized corn field but still rallied into the final playoff spot. Adam’s surge hasn’t been a secret: Brady scores the major chunk of points and hope for inexplicable point production from sources like Desmond Clark or Isaac Bruce. With Brady around, as has been said all season, he has a puncher’s chance.

The Pick
While injuries could derail the Junk Jabbers season, the boys from Jabroc (is that in Tennessee?) simply have more viable, consistent scoring weapons than the MichaelPJackson. And Romo only averages 5 less points a game than Brady.
Junk Jabbers 132, MichaelPJackson 103.


#7 DEATH KNELL AT #2 LICENSE TO KIM JONG IL

KIM JONG IL
Who Got Him Here
-Peyton Manning (#5 ranked QB)
-Marion Barber III (#8 ranked RB)
-Reggie Wayne (#4 ranked WR)
Sasquatch Alert
-Ryan Grant. This unheralded running back managed to crack Green Bay’s atrocious 7-man rotation at tailback and has been a beast over the last six weeks. Facing a porous Oakland run defense and a dinged up Brett Favre means fantastic stuff for Mr. Grant.
Bajingo Alert
-Manning. Don’t sleep on the Baltimore Ravens D. The monster appeared to awaken this week against New England and they could be ornery still after the MNF debacle. Don’t be surprising if Manning struggles to throw more than two TDs against this unit.
Analysis
Jordache dealt for Manning and, honestly, it hasn’t been the windfall any of us expected. (Six points versus KC? Nineteen against San Diego?) His team was hovering around first before the trade and he won the weak Autobots division, but that could be more due to the collapse of Diz-eeZ-(insert name or word here)


DEATH KNELL
Who Got Him Here
-Brian Westbrook (#1 ranked RB)
-Earnest Graham (#12 ranked RB)
-Terrell Owens (#2 ranked WR and ass lesion)
Sasquatch Alert
-Owens. The Lions D is just puzzling. And the way Martz calls passing plays, expect a lot of punts and turnovers going Dallas’ way. No one can cover Owens on that team.
Bajingo Alert
-Kurt Warner. The Arizona Cardinals on the road is always a dangerous proposition (except when it’s in Philadelphia). And playing a Seahawks passing D that has allowed less than a dozen passing TDs all year in a harsh, nasty-weather environment is troubling. Oh, and Anquan Boldin and Larry Fitzgerald are likely out.
Analysis
Since the historic name change, Craig has been barnstorming the league and took a firm grasp of the #7 playoff spot. Westbrook has been sensational and Craig has also received timely contributions from Bobby Engram and Jamal Lewis.

The Pick
While having a very solid season, Jordan’s playoff seeding is right out of the NBA’s goofy rules. This matchup truly hinges on the quarterbacks. Which one will perform better and avoid costly turnovers and low yardage output? It’s a gut feeling here … and a mild upset.
Death Knell 137, Kim Jong Il 132


#6 OPTIMUS PRYMEZ’ DIZ-EEZ NUTZ!!! AT #3 THE CANADIAN CRIPPLERS

CRIPPLERS
Who Got Him Here
-Randy Moss (#1 ranked WR)
-Willis McGahee (#5 ranked RB)
Sasquatch Alert
-Marques Colston. Saints play the Falcons. That’s as far as I’ll go.
Bajingo Alert
-Willie Parker. Though ranked fairly well (#11 RB), Parker has found the end zone twice (week 2 and week 8) and faces the always difficult Patriots defense.
Analysis
Shawn ripped off a series of wins in the early part of the league, but a two-game losing steak cost him the top seed. Moss has been a shining star among some semi-turds. Lack of consistent QB play (he’s started half a dozen different guys this year) has hurt, but the big-play potential is there with Shockey and Colston and McGahee.


DIZ-EEZ NUTZ!!!
Who Got Him Here
-Nick Folk (#1 ranked Kicker)
-Steelers Defense (#4 ranked Defense)
-Matt Hasselbeck (#9 ranked QB)
Sasquatch Alert
Maurice Jones-Drew. The Jaguars play the Panthers this weekend and you can expect huge numbers from the guys in the weird black uniforms with the yellow splotch on their helmet.
Bajingo Alert
Steelers D. They face New England. Could be ugly. Or could be a bounty. Who knows at this point?
Analysis
Steelers D and Nick Folk… We’ve been saying it all year and it’s what’s been happening all year: Those two entities have kept Diz-eeZ NutZ!!! in the winners category – until of late. A three-game losing streak is never good entering the playoffs. However, Aaron’s roster moves, including picking up Roddy White, who received some sort of voodoo boost and leapt into the top-20 list of WRs somehow, have been solid to make up for a fairly lame draft.

The Pick
This will probably be the tightest contest of the four playoff games. Hasselbeck has been on fire, Torry Holt has come out of the doldrums and MJD has a terrific matchup. Then again, so does Colston and David Garrard will be tossing the skin against that Carolina D as well. Then there’s a guy named Moss on the Cripplers sideline as well. This game hinges on the Steelers’ performance against New England, plain and simple.
Cripplers 117, Diz-eeZ NutZ!!! 99


#5 HAWAII MCLOVIN AT #4 CHICAGO BEAR GRYLLS

GRYLLS
Who Got Him Here
-Adrian Peterson (#3 ranked RB)
-LaDainian Tomlinson (#2 ranked RB)
-Braylon Edwards (#3 ranked WR)
Sasquatch Alert
Adrian Peterson. He butts heads with a San Franciso team that smells worse than Deewaan’s college dates.
Bajingo Alert
Kevin Walter. He gets docked points just for his mugshot. But seriously, he’s up against a difficult Tampa Bay cover-two defense.
Analysis
No other team in this fantasy league had seven of nine starters ranking in the top 10 at their position, as of this writing. How is it possible that the Bear Grylls aren’t better than a 5-loss team then? Carson Palmer, while ranking seventh among QBs has been inconsistent at best and his stats are clouded by his 55-point outburst in week 2. However, the running backs are unstoppable. If Tomlinson can keep the momentum, well, it’s el-stinko for whoever faces Jon.


MCLOVIN
Who Got Him Here
-TJ Houshmanzadeh (#5 ranked WR)
-Clinton Portis (#7 ranked RB)
Sasquatch Alert
Andre Johnson. OK, so I’ll contradict myself from earlier. Yes, Johnson is against Tampa. But he has come out on fire from the missed time due to injury. He’s hot and he’ll stay hot.
Bajingo Alert
Justin Fargas. Green Bay is likely pissed about the Thursday game. And this contest is at Lambeau. Don’t expect too much yardage from Fargas, who was a shrewd pickup (I should know; had him on my roster)
Analysis
The Housh and Chad Johnson show has kept Paul in the upper echelon of the league. Up-and-down QB play (boy, there’s a real theme in the league this year!) has detracted from his success. But overcoming the loss of Larry Johnson, a top-three pick, has been impressive.

The Pick
The running back combo platter of AD and LDT is just vicious. I’m talking major diarrhea for the digestive system. Those two have favorable matchups, as does Edwards. Jason Campbell and Portis are gonna struggle against the Bears D.
Bear Grylls 139, McLovin 110

Place Your Bets!!!

The Stratosphere - Las Vegas's Second Least Illustrious Resort!

As was detailed in today's e-mail session, there are still five teams fighting for a playoff spot. The only problem is, only two teams can claim them. You're probably still wondering who's got the upper hand in this thing, and luckily for you, my second cousin dates this chick whose brother works with a girl who's married to the head oddsmaker at the Stratosphere in Vegas. So needless to say, I got my hands on an advance copy of the odds this week. Let's see just how this race shakes out.

DEATH KNELL - (5-7, Current Points Leader, vs. Larry Craig Fritzes [1-11])
Odds Of Reaching Playoffs - 1:2
The Commish essentially needs to beat the worst team in the league to clinch a spot. Shouldn't be that difficult. Better yet, Kurt Warner plays the Browns, essentially assuring him of a 600 yard passing day. Pack your bags for the playoffs, Mr. Fritz. Amazing turnaround by a team that many (OK, just me) claimed were dead in the water just a few short weeks ago.

BISBEE BALL MAULERS - (5-7, 14.8 points back, vs. Chicago Bear Grylls [7-5])
Odds Of Reaching Playoffs - 3:1
The last time Bisbee and Chicago met up, Bear Grylls prevailed by an 82 point margin. Bisbee will be looking to even the season series, but it will be tough. CBG's superduperstar running back Adrian Peterson looks to return to action, and even better, he'll be doing it against the Detroit Lions. The matchups are generally favorable for the Maulers this week, but the star power here is not what it once was.

POCKET T-BAGS - (5-7, 43.1 points back, vs. Delaware Ding Dong Danglers [4-8])
Odds Of Reaching Playoffs - 3:2
Now things start getting interesting. If Bisbee loses, the path is clear for the T-Bags. Win, and they likely make it in as the #8 seed. If Bisbee wins, the T-Bags will need to put up 28.4 points more than the Maulers. Sounds simple, right? Actually, it might be. Shelby has two horses in the Dallas-Green Bay Thursday Night game, which this analyst projects to be a fireworks show. Expect plenty of scoring, and having the Brett Favre to Donald Driver combo might just be Shelby's meal ticket in this one.

HOLIDAYSBURGS MPJs - (5-7, 69.6 points back, vs. Lymez Dizeez Nutz [7-5])
Odds Of Reaching Playoffs - 5:1
Adam will need some teams to lose to make it to the playoffs. There are some crummy matchups on his team, and I'm not even sure Adam knows who he's starting at RB2 this weekend. Cedric Benson is done for the year and Brandon Jacobs is hurt as well. Chester Taylor's not even a great play this week as all signs point to him taking a back seat to Peterson once again. Tom Brady, aka The Suitcase Nuke, is a possibility to singlehandedly carry Adam to a victory once again, but he travels to Baltimore this weekend. Personally, I think the Ravens might be the worst team in football, but from time to time their defense can click and shut opposing offenses down. Adam has to have a lot of things go right to make an appearance in Week 14.

DELAWARE DING-DONG DANGLERS - (4-8, 99.7 points back, vs. Pocket T-Bags [5-7])
Odds Of Reaching Playoffs - 25:1
Please allow me to slip into Tony Kornheiser mode.
IF...
-Drew Brees can pretend it's 2006...
-Steve Smith can play a game where he actually remembers that he's Steve Smith...
-Plaxico Burress can stretch the Bears defense for two deep touchdowns on a permanently gimpy ankle...
-Chris Cooley can play the most emotionally charged football of his life...
-Reggie Brown can convince Andy Reid to start AJ Feeley...
-Steven Jackson can play with a quarterback who can actually handle snaps at the goal line...
-The Panthers D can whitewash the 49ers...
-Jeff Wilkins can nail two or more 50 yarders...
-LenDale White can score one touchdown for every Krispy Kreme donut he eats on Sunday...
-Three other 5-8 teams blow a win-and-you're-in...
...Then Ladies And Gentlemen, the Dong Danglers are playoff bound!

Good luck to all the playoff contenders this weekend, with the exception of Mike.

Week 12 Photo Finishes: Late Night Munchies Edition

Good to have you back, you mellow weirdo.

Well, the Worldwide Leader got some good news. You see, when you put a 0-10 team on MNF, people tend to watch other programming, like say "Dancing With The Stars" or "Chuck". But when one of the most polarizing NFL figures of all time returns to that 0-10 team, and will apparently start for that 0-10 team? Well, now you've got gripping television, my friend.
In my honest opinion, I don't expect Ricky to make anybody think it's 2002 again. He's got to be out of shape at this point after time away from the game. But I must say it's nice to have a strange dude like Ricky back in the NFL discussion. I'm finding myself missing Mikey Vick already.

But, several of you won't be watching for Ricky. You'll be watching for your fantasy teams, you greedy little piggies. Well, let's see who'll be smoking a victory blunt tonight, and who'll be hitting the bong to ease the pain of defeat.

Game 1: Rich (26.8 point lead) vs. Aaron (Steelers D)
You know the old saying. Any time you have a two-time-Chumley-Award-winning defense playing, you've still got a chance. The Steelers D probably should be able to cover this gap for Aaron. Ricky fumbles for a defensive touchdown, CleoJohn LemonBeck throws a pick-six, the defense gives up three points...this could definitely happen. I'll go out on my longest limb of the season and say Aaron wins by 0.2 points on a defensive gem by Steeltown.

Game 2: Deewaan (22.2 point lead) vs. The Team Without A GM (Heath Miller)
Miller might grab a touchdown, but he shouldn't get anywhere close to 22.2 points. I'll say he puts up a quiet 40-yardish day. Dave hangs on.

Game 3: Adam (Hines Ward, 34 point lead) vs. Shawn (Willie Parker)
Although I think Pittsburgh will work the ground game heavily (especially after halftime), Parker hasn't had a game bigger than 22 points all season. I could see him getting up around 25, but that still won't be enough to overtake Adam. Adam wins and everybody is officially on notice that Tom Brady will be playing fantasy playoff football.

Week 11 Photo Finish: Double Buck Edition!

No time for predictions, I'm off to meet my destiny.

When I heard that Craig was in Allentown, the only thought that flashed through my mind was "I've got to rope him in for a game or twelve of Big Buck Hunter". Needless to say, I'll be hitting happy hour with the Commish shortly, so I'm cutting this short.

Game 1: Aaron (19.3 points) vs. Jordan (Rob Bironas, Brandon Marshall)
Bironas will get 11 points on 3 FGs and 2 XPs. No more. No less. 11 points.

Marshall will get 6.8 points on 4 catches for 62 yards. No more. No less. 6.8 points.
That leaves Jordan with 17.8 points and gives Aaron a precious victory.

Sorry Jordo.

NOW LET'S KILL SOME BUCK!!!!

Week 9 Photo Finishes: Primanti Brudders Edition!!

Stole this picture right off of ESPN.com's NFL page. I'm even getting too lazy to Google.

Gather 'round, young whippersnappers. We got ourselves an AFC North game tonight, and three fantasy matchups still in the balance. Let's see who wins and who loses.

Game 1: Craig (19.4 points) vs. Deewaan (Derrick Mason)
I've written Craig off for dead, literally, so it only makes sense that he loses in completely agonizing fashion tonight. Besides, I'll be cheering heavily for the Ravens tonight, so to fulfill my master plan, D-Mase will need to step up and put up some major numbers. No running back has had a good game against the Steelers, since I think the late '60's, so let's see if the Ravens can't find some success Air-Mc-Nair-ing it out. 2 TD's and 80 yards should get the job done (yes, I know he only has two all season so far), and Dave slips by Craig.

Game 2: Rich (33.9 points, Santonio Holmes) vs. Mike (Willie Parker)
33.9 points would be a monster game against the Ravens defense, no matter how much they may have slipped from years past. However, adding in Santonio's points will only make it all the less likely that Mike can climb this deficit and win this one. Rich wins comfortably.

Game 3: Hefty (60.5 points) vs. Adam (Hines Ward, Todd Heap)
Something tells me I can breathe easy in this one and just work on putting the finishing touches to my 1:5 scale replica of Adrian Peterson. I chose to construct the shrine out of brownie batter, so when I'm done, I can pop him in the oven and snack away at my Purple Fantasy Savior during upcoming Vikings games. Mmmmm...sacrelicious.

Week 8 Photo Finishes: Elamania!!!

Elam is "Male" backwards. Write that down.

I'm slightly pressed for time today, so we'll concentrate on two games here. Sorry to count you out, Rich, but whatever a Tony Scheffler is, I doubt it's good for 14 points plus whatever Donald Driver and Brandon Stokely score. So I'll say you lose. So here are the two games coming down to the wire tonight, and my predicted outcomes.

Game 1: Mike (23.9 point lead) vs. Jordan (Brandon Marshall)
Brandon Marshall will get the majority of the looks on the field with Javon Walker missing the game due to injury. While he's had some good games this season, he hasn't had anything close to a 24 point game, and I don't think that will change tonight against a tough Green Bay D. I'll say he bags a touchdown, and maybe 60 yards. Mike wins.

Game 2: Adam (0.3 point lead) vs. Dave (Jason Elam)
Since our league penalizes missed kicks, there's actually a chance Adam could sneak away with this one, but there's no way I'd actually predict such nonsense. Elam has had three game winning kicks this season for the Broncos, and I'll say tonight he gets number 4 and 5, kicking both Denver and Delaware to close victories.

Week 7 Photo Finishes: Colts at Jags

The Commish will need a big day out of Marvin to sneak past Adam's troops.

Well tonight is my proof that Jacksonville actually has a football team. I'll take my first look at the Jags tonight and I'll be paying attention to a couple of things:
1. Is that Jack Del Rio fellow wearing a snazzy suit on the sidelines?
2. Does Fred Taylor still play? Does Stacy Mack still play?
3. If Jacksonville has wide receivers, how come I've never heard of any of them?
4. Who honestly decided this should be a Monday Night football game?

Seriously, not to go overboard with this schtick, but I feel like a total neophyte when it comes to Jacksonville Jaguars football. Hopefully tonight will be an eye opening experience for me. Others of you will have different motivations to watch tonight's game. You want to know if you'll win your game tonight. However, there's no need. I've already looked at the matchups, crunched the numbers, and I've prepared my verdicts. Here they are.

Game 1: Adam (Adam Vinatieri and an 8.5 point lead) vs. Craig (Marvin Harrison)
Marvin apparently could have played back in Week 5 if it were a more meaningful game, and since then he's had a bye week to rest up, so I'm assuming he's at least 90% healthy for this one. It seems like Indy has trouble against Jacksonville and Tennessee every time they play lately, so maybe the matchup isn't as good as you might expect. I also think Jacksonville will be wearing all-black uniforms which could help them blend in with the night skies, thus making themselves translucent to the eyes of Peyton Manning, who might struggle in this one somewhat.
Long story short, I think Harrison probably puts up close to 10 points in this one, but Adam probably hangs on for the win due to Adam V's leg.

Game 2: Shawn (David Garrard and a 68.4 point lead) vs. Jordan (Peyton Manning and Reggie Wayne)
It could happen. Brady put up 55 yesterday, and Peyton has got to be getting somewhat upset with all the attention on Tommy Boy now instead of him. I think Peyton's got a chip on his shoulder, he probably plays very well in this one, but I think he'll spread the ball out amongst Harrison, Wayne, Addai, and Clark. I could see him putting up 4 TD's (one to each of those guys), and although that would be a great fantasy day, it's not enough to dig Jordan out of the hole he's in now. Shawn wins.

Game 3: Mike (65.6 point lead) vs. Shelby (Joseph Addai and Dallas Clark)
Not happening. Mike continues his Cinderella story of love and romance with a victory over Shelbus. To Mike's amazement, after the game ends, we all emerge 40-Year-Old-Virgin-style to belt out a rousing rendition of "The Dawning of The Age of Aquarius".

Week 5 Photo Finishes: 60 Stretch Far Le-HUUUUUH!!!!!

Not tonight, you no-name fluke...

Well, 13/14ths of Week 5 are now in the books. As I stated before, I didn't see any of it, so for me, this is the whole shebang. Really, this is the perfect storm for me. I get to do three of my favorite things tonight.
1. Watch football from the couch.
2. Cheer against the Cowboys.
3. Cheer against those particular Cowboys whom I'm playing against in fantasy.

Sounds like a fantastic night for me. Let's see who else will be glued to tonight's telecast.

Game 1: Aaron (Nick Folk and a 19.9 point lead) vs. Craig (Terrell Owens and the Cowboys D)
Analysis - I tried verifying this using ESPN.com's NFL stat splits, found them too cumbersome, and decided to post what we're all thinking: Terrell Owens is the kind of guy who seems like he enjoys playing well in games where everybody's watching him. This is a Monday Night audience, this is a game that will likely be over at halftime, this is a game where people will start tuning out if things get ugly. Having said that, Owens will be begging/pleading/performing unspeakable acts to Tony Romo to get him the ball early and often so they can watch him strut his stuff before they all flip over to watch Heroes. My guesstimate: Romo and Owens hook up for touchdowns on the first two series for the Cowboys, the Cowboys D picks off rookie Trent Edwards and runs it in for a score late, and Nick Folk is called on mostly to add extra points. Having said all that, I'll say Craigger wins by a few points.

Game 2: Jon (12.5 point lead) vs. Jordan (Marion Barber and Patrick Crayton)
Analysis - If the Romo & TO show clicks as well as I expect it to early on, that means the Cowboys do a good bit of running later in the game. That's probably where I lose this one. Taking a peek at his 2007 splits, Barber runs much better in the second half, and when he gets 10 or more carries. Bottom line, unless the Bills offense can keep things close, or the Cowboys feel more comfortable handing to JuJo, I'll end up losing this one, most likely sometime shortly after midnight when it's the most devestating. Patrick Crayton is a right place, right time kind of receiver in this offense, but as I said, I think most of Romo's balls end up in T.O.'s hands tonight. Heh heh.

Game 3: Richard (Tony Romo, Lee Evans, and a 7 point lead) vs. Matt (Jason Witten)
Analysis - Although still technically up for contention, it is statistically impossible for Matt to win this one unless Romo gets knocked out of the game early, and Brad Johnson takes over. I'll just assume that won't happen. Red Hot Richard wins his third in a row.

Game 4: Dave (Julius Jones and a 18.4 point lead) vs. Mike (Marshawn Lynch)
Analysis - Lynch will outscore Jones, but not by 18.4 points. The Bills will have to abandon the ground game if this game gets out of hand. Dave hangs on and wins his first game of the season. Celebrating this monumental acheivement, he buys a round of body shots for all the fellas down at the Purple Parrot and winds up losing his "other" V card. You know, the brown one.

A-Rep's Week 5 Crystal Ball

Aaron looks into the future with the help of Saruman The White.

Editor's Note: It appears that the Games of The Week feature is back! Aaron will be tackling this weekend's top matchups to see who's got a leg up. Enjoy.

GAMES TO WATCH!!!!

Runner up…Hawaii McLovin at MichaelPJackson
Why this game do you ask? Well, I looked at this and thought…OH…INTENSE BROTHER RIVALRY…
And then I thought some more about how their pregame conversations might sound…
“oh brother! Let me tell you again how funny your team name is!!!”
“oh brother! You’re too kind! ‘tis your team name that is funniest of all the names in the land!!”
“you’re the best! I can’t stand the thought of beating you this week! :-(”
“GUESS WHAT!!!! I was thinking the same thing! OMG! We think so much alike!!!! I can’t stand the thought of beating you!!!””
“Giggle! Let’s bench our entire teams so that we tie!!”
“you are as smart as you are cute brother. I agree! TIE WE WILL!”

This brings me to my pick for GAME of the WEEK…
Kinda of obvious but…KIM JONG AT GRYLLS
This game is a pivotal game for control of division supremacy and the all important race to clinch a coveted playoff spot. Let’s delve slightly…
Let’s face it…there is a nasty dog fight goin’ on in the evil kingdom of the decepticons. Hefty needs this win to stay atop of the pack. Especially for reign of the A.P.T.S.!!! And it’s pretty much a given that I am gonna beat craig this week. Jordan needs this win. If me and hefty come out this week with W’s…the APTS gain immunity from being kicked off the island and also get a free pass to tell more inside jokes through the blog.

Important Side note:
Pay close attention to the Junk Jabber at Fritzs game. Besides the fact that Larry Craig’s under the stall foot rubbing might get him lucky against the jabber boyz, the fritzs also have a tough 1-3 record due to some tough matchups. I think we all have the feeling that the Quad D’s and the Holiday teddy bears don’t have a shot at the playoffs…but if the fritz’s fall to 1-4, it’ll be an awfully tough climb back into the playoff race.

Week 4 Photo Finishes

Playing the putrid Bengals D, there's no telling how many points Brady and Moss might put up tonight.

Looking at the FantasyCast scoreboard, there doesn't seem to be a lot of close games. Even when I was writing Bajingos and Sasquatches, I wasn't even noticing a lot of obvious choices. Why? Well, bye weeks could be one reason, but I'd say that it's because two of the most high-octane offenses in the NFL meet tonight, when the Pats and Bengals face off. With that said, some games that would normally be locked up for one team, could end up being a lot closer than we think. Let's take a peek and try to figure out who comes out on top tonight.

Game 1: Jordan (56.1 point lead) vs. Adam (Tom Brady)

Analysis - 56.1 points is a ridiculous amount. But it's also damn close to the number Carson Palmer put up in Week 2 against the Browns. Here's the thing with tonight's game: the Patriots have a good defense, but might not be comfortably ahead at any point in the game. That's the kind of set-up that allows for quarterbacks to keep throwing, and throwing, and throwing. With Brady's weapons, and the sieve that is the Bengals pass defense, 56.1 points (roughly 400 yards and 6 TDs) isn't actually all that far fetched. Of course, it's not entirely probable either, so I'll say Jordan gets out of this one alive.

Game 2: Mike (Stephen Gostkowski and a 36 point lead) vs. Shawn (Randy Moss)
Analysis - Again, 36 points is attainable for a receiver like Moss. However, if the Patriots do find the end zone that many times, you're tacking on an extra 6 or 7 points for all the Gostkowski extra points, so now Moss theoretically needs around 45 points. That's a little much, even though I say he finds the end zone 2 or 3 times in this one. Mike comes away a winner.

Game 3: Melvin (9.5 point lead) vs. Shelby (Pats D and Shayne Graham)
Analysis - Graham's good for around 5 points, and the defense should get some sacks and find ways to force turnovers for the remainder. Kenny Watson will be the Bengals starting running back and could have a lot of trouble running against the Patriots, which may lead to some fumble issues. I look for Shelby to get the win here and improve to 2-2.

Bonus Prediction: Jake Peavy throws 7 scoreless innings to set up a Padres-Phillies first round showdown. Padres 3, Rockies 1

Week 3 Photo Finishes: Welcome to K-Ville!!

Reggie Bush will have to hang on to the ball for Rich to seal the deal tonight.

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Only two games remain close heading into Monday Night action. Sure, Vince Young could potentially throw 15 interceptions and allow me squeak by Craig, but it's not real likely. No, most of us could go for a nice bike ride or bake some cookies with a grandparent tonight instead of being a lazy bastard and watching three more hours of gridiron action. But you won't. Your bike will sit in the garage for another week, the chain getting rustier and the tires getting flatter. Your grandma will watch Wheel of Fortune with the volume up too loud, alone, and sigh as she looks at your picture. You never call her, you know. And what will you be doing? You'll be sitting on the couch, watching a game that has zero impact on your life.
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Unless your name happens to be Aaron, Shawn, Adam, or Rich. You guys are excused. You guys have it all riding on the line tonight. One of you will be 3-0. One of you will be 0-3. Let's break this sumbitch down and pick us some winners.

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Game 1: Aaron (1.2 point lead) vs. Shawn (Marques Colston)

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Analysis - OK. The Saints offense has been a bigger disappointment than the Sopranos finale, but Aaron's probably out of luck on this one. The 7th rounder out of Hofstra (my Lil' Sportswriter handbook says you're not allowed to mention Colston without stating both of these facts) only needs 1 catch for 10 yards for Shawn to tie Aaron. Even against a Titans defense who did a decent job of handling Reggie Wayne and Marvin Harrison a week ago, Colston should be able to find a hole in the defense on one or two plays, enough to help Shawn get out of this matchup with a 3-0 record.

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Game 2: Adam (7.2 point lead and Chris Brown) vs. Rich (Reggie Bush)

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Analysis - This seems like the kind of game where Reggie Bush plays like Reggie Bush should play. Good football players make good football plays. OK, I'm done with the Joe Theismann routine. Honestly, I would expect Bush to finally bust out of his slump in this game and at least find the end zone once. If the Saints offense can't gear themselves up for the first home game of the season, on Monday Night Football, if Sean Payton can't find a way to get Reggie Bush the ball where he's not immediately wrapped up by a ball carrier, if Drew Brees can't complete one or two long passes to get the defense on its heels a little bit and away from the line, then this team is out of excuses. I think this Saints team is sort of in the same position the Eagles were in yesterday. 0-2, playing a big home game that in reality shouldn't have been so big, and in essence, fighting for their playoff lives in mid-September. I have to think Reggie Bush becomes a factor in their gameplan much like the way the Eagles used Westbrook yesterday. On the flip side of the coin, if Chris Brown can sneak into the endzone just once, then Rich could lose. He doesn't have to have a great game and he probably won't. But one goal line carry could change the whole landscape of this matchup.
Of course, earlier this morning I called him a stiff, so it would be silly for me to say he'd carry Adam to a win. Rich wins this one, Adam drops to 0-3.

Week 2 Photo Finishes: MotownPhilly Edition

Can David Akers kick Craig Fritz into an 0-2 hole? Can Reno Mahe field a punt? Can Andy Reid call any creative offensive plays? Tune in tonight and find out!!

Tonight is Monday Night. And it's also Redskins-Eagles night. It's certainly the most tame out of our division rivalries, but still, one to take seriously. And any time we could be two games behind the Cowboys and the Redskins in the division by Tuesday morning, well, it's time to nut up or shut up.
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It's also nut up or shut up time for two fantasy squads tonight. One game is still hanging in the balance, and we'll break it down to see who's got the edge.

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Game 1: Craig (Brian Westbrook and a 7.9 point lead) vs. Melvin (Donovan McNabb and David Akers)

Analysis - McNabb and Akers will certainly have their chances in this one. The offense should be embarrassed and motivated after the debacle at Green Bay, so I'm not sure we'll see Philadelphia struggle to put points up tonight. The question for this game though, is who will be the recipient of McNabb's tosses? If Reggie Brown and Kevin Curtis can establish a rhythym against the Redskins corners, than Melvin wins this game. But if McNabb has to rely on dumpoffs to Westbrook, then McNabb's points are negated. My prediction is that the David Akers points make the difference here and Melvin steals a win.
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All of the other games appear to be set in stone. Jordan could upset Slimmy if the defense pitches a shutout and returns some picks for touchdowns, but realistically speaking, Slimmy with a 21.4 point lead and Clinton Portis should roll to victory. Let's just hope our Birds can do the same. My Monday Night Prediction: Eagles 24, Redskins 14
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Your Monday Night Power Picks in the comments, please.

Week 2 Matchups: Chili Con Carnival!

Everyone's two favorite computer nerds square off in BlogBowl I.

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Aaron's too good to write this column for me this week so I'll do it my own damn self.
Let's take a look at two of Week 2's key matchups.
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Runner Up: Bisbee vs. Chicago
This battle of 1-0 teams should be a good one. Chicago QB Carson Palmer squares off against his former mentor in Cincinnati, Jon Kitna, who now proudly plays for Bisbee. Mike's running backs are the key to this matchup, neither Parker or McAllister scored last week, and to beat me, they'll have to find paydirt. For me, this game seems like a slam dunk. Carson Palmer's playing the Browns, Tomlinson's still the best player in the league, and Purple Jebus is playing the University of Buffalo, or some similarly terrible defense.
My prediction: Parker, Kitna and Gates score enough points to give me a good scare, but ultimately, I'll be improving to 2-0.
My solution on how to make this game more important: If I win, I get to ghostwrite one of your columns in the Arizona Republic. If you win, I'll destroy the tape of me and Aunt Judy I've been blackmailing you with all of these years.
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The Main Event!: Hawaii vs. North Korea
The other battle of unbeatens this week is between Slimmy and Jordan. I'll take "Sentences I Never Thought I'd Type" for a thousand, Alex! Slimmy's been talking a hot game this week, but there's a chance that Chicago could actually play 11 men in the box this week to stop Larry Johnson, so he's useless. Philip Rivers took a play out of the Briscoe High playbook last week, handing off to Tomlinson, who then played quarterback better than his actual quarterback. So he's useless. Clinton Portis is playing the Eagles, so he's useless. However, TJ Houshmandzadeh and Chad Johnson are playing the Browns, and their stat lines will look like something out of a Madden game. I'm guessing 325+ yards and 3 touchdowns combined. Yikes.
HOWEVA, Jordan has my new favorite player, Reggie Wayne, who gets to feast on the Titans. He might also get 325 yards and 3 touchdowns on his own. He's also got Shaun Alexander (playing Arizona), Hines Ward (playing Buffalo), and Jay Cutler (playing Oakland). All good matchups for Jordan's boys this week.
My prediction: Jordan by double digits.
My solution on how to make this game more important: If Slimmy wins, he gets to masturbate while playing X Box. If Jordan wins, he gets to feed Slimmy his pubes in a bowl of chili.

THE BIGGEST GAME OF OUR LIVES…..nay….OF THE ENTIRE WORLD!!!! (WEEK 1 EDITION)

It's Week 1: Time to seperate the lions from the wildebeests.

.Editor's Note: This will be a regular featurette here on Fisting Jerry Dunn. Aaron Repucci, previously of such fine columns as The Steelers Preview (parts 1 and 2), will check in weekly to offer his take on the most tantalizing games of the week. I now turn this space over to him. Enjoy.

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Welcome Westside FFLeaguers, to the first post of my weekly guest featurette in which I will take a look at what I think is the most crucial/interesting/pivotal/saucy game of the week in deciding the fate of the Westside.

.Week 1!!!!!!!!!

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. Runner up: BecaHigh DanKendra’s????? vs. the Canadian Cripplers

This game has little to do with Hussein at this point and much to do about Davis. Adam received so much crap for his entire draft and is currently sitting in the twelfth spot of Hefty’s infamous power rankings. This is a chance for him to prove his team worthy! Can he ride the laser rocket arm of P-diddy? Currently, the much maligned DanKendra’s have been given the edge over the cripplers in ESPN’s breakdown. Could the DanKendra’s (what the heck is a DanKendra anyways??? Sounds like Steely McBeam could have found a Poodle Beach buddy) move up in the power rankings and out of Jerry Dunn’s anal canal??????

My prediction: Davis will in fact ride P-diddy’s arm to victory in this one…DAVIS WINS!!!!
*side note of this game: much debate has come of Randy Moss’s ’07 potential production. Is the illustrious, expert analyst Virginia Slims Davis right???

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GAME OF THE WEEK!!!!: The JABROC JUNK JABBERS vs. the lymez DIZ-EEZ NUTZ!!!

Connecticut is too small for two Westside FFL powerhouses! Plus, the Asian hero from Heroes took the number one spot in the power rankings right out of the gate making him the sassy, hot team to beat. Can his young, promising team live up to their expectations??? The diz-eez nutz will certainly make the jabbers think twice before they jab. Just look at the head to head in our league’s week 1 break down…it’s a close one!!!

So…my prediction??? The Diz-eez nutz win by a Deewaan pube…yeah yeah yeah…I know what you’re thinking…of course you’re gonna pick your team. But let’s look a little closer. I think that the WR, RB, TE, K matchups couldn’t be closer. The Steelers have a slight edge playing against the Browns compared to the Skins against the Dolls. BUT! Where the ESPN breakdown has it wrong, I think, is at the QB position. I think veteran QB Matty Hass will fare much better against a weak Bucz crew at home than young Homo will against a big division rival (night game nonetheless). NO PRESSURE, Homie Romie Rue!!!
*game side note: Rich and A-Rep’s manhood is on the line as they will be spending much of the NFL weekend together watching the game…with their respective belle’s!!!! Who will be the stud and who will be the dud????!!!

LET’S WATCH!!!

Remember…you heard it here first!!!