Pulling A Favre

I'm following my heart and going out on top.
Or am I?????

OK. You came here expecting draft grades. But I've got an unfortunate site announcement. Brace yourself.

I don't think I've got it in me this year. I'm hanging up my blogging shoes.

Why? A number of reasons, which I'll now list in no particular order:

1. My work situation: When I ran this site last year, I was working in a doublewide up in rural Bath where I had a direct supervisor about two days a week. Now, I'm in our main office, and can't even keep Hotmail up for 30 seconds without a vice president gliding down the hall and checking out my 22" monitor to make sure I'm getting my TPS reports done in time. Trust me, I did a LOT of the blogging at work last year, and it's just not possible now.

2. The house: Frankly, when I come home from work, there's a lot of shit to do. I can't justify spending 90 minutes on Bajingos and Sasquatches while there's lighting fixtures to hang and boxes to unpack.

3. The letdown factor: Last year was the best year of my illustrious fantasy career, and I won my first ever championship. Blogging along the way made it even more fun, but I'm worried I can't top the experience, and if I'm not into it, the work will suck.

4. My dear readers: You deserve the finest quality blog your non-money can buy. I worry that I'm out of jokes, out of outrageous Google Image photos, and out of Karate Kid YouTube videos. I don't want to be giving you a run of the mill site, and that's probably what you'd be getting.

5. Kal Penn: The last two movies I saw with him in it sucked. "Epic Movie" and "Bachelor Party Vegas" were so lame that I worry that I may be starting to sour on everybody's favorite Bengali Bombshell.

6. The wife: I've got some serious banging to do.

So, that's the deal. If you hated the blog, this is good news. If you enjoyed the blog, I apologize. I do however promise the same high quality material you've come to expect from every group e-mail I send.

As a parting gift, I will offer you my abbreviated preseason post-draft power rankings, with limited commentary where necessary. Enjoy.

1. Jordan - Manning/Favre is a pretty good combo, even if I hate them both with all my soul. He's also got a guy who could have been the #1 pick at #3, Adrian Peterson. If Peterson is healthy, Jordan's the top team.

2. Craig - I hate the QB's, but Marion Barber and Ryan Grant is the best combo backfield of any team in the league.

3. Davis - Tomlinson leads the way, but there's a lot of high ceiling guys here like MoJo Drew, McNabb and Marques Colston. Kellen Winslow is a double digit touchdown guy this year, no question about it.

4. Hefty - I took the homer route and picked Westbrook. Then in the next round, I went polar opposite and took the face of my least favorite franchise in all of sports, Tony Romo. That's called hedging your bets, and it basically means I'm a pussy.

5. Mike - I think Drew Brees will end up with the best QB stats in the league this year. I also love the WR-WR strategy to get Moss and Braylon Edwards, however, as you can guess, it means he's starting two warm corpses at RB.

6. Shawn - This year, Shawn rolls with the hot rooks at running back, Darren Mc Fadden and Jonathan Stewart. He's also got Marshawn Lynch and Larry Johnson. Very deep team, with only one torn labrum standing between him and an excellent draft.

7. Melvin - I obviously love the Tom Brady pick, but the rest of the team has a lot of holes. Still, Melvin should definitely win more than one matchup this year.

8. Deewaan - I'm not a real big Derek Anderson guy, but this team is well drafted, with a lot of quality starters and some backups with potential to contribute.

9. Aaron - Overall, a smart draft, with a couple of hiccups. He handcuffed Portis with Betts, and if Marvin Harrison can keep his hands off of firearms this season, he could be the steal of the draft.

10. Jonesy - I'm hoping TO has a big year now that I have Romo, and I think the other starting wideouts are solid as well. A lot of reaches in the draft, but overall, not bad for a first effort in the league.

11. Shelby - I think Peyton is going to have a down year. He may not be ready for Week 1, and there's questions about MarHar. I don't love the running backs here, and I don't even like the wide receivers.

12. Rich - What a difference a year makes. Last year's preseason number 1 finds himself at the bottom of the rankings as he rolls out a baffling draft strategy. Three mediocre quarterbacks, only three running backs, two tight ends and two defenses. Must have been a fun honeymoon.

So there you have it. My first and possibly last posting of the season. If something big happens, I may chime in at some point during the season, but for now, I'm happy to watch this season from the sidelines and just enjoy riding my tractor in Mississippi with a fresh new pair of Wranglers.

Your First Place Junk Jabbers

So it took 12 long weeks, but Rich is finally on top.

To celebrate, here's a video of Japanese women learning some helpful phrases for their next visit to America. (I stole this from Withleather.com)

Hey Baby, Need A Ride?

Disclaimer: This post is inspired by nothing in particular. It is entirely hypothetical and in no way accuses any persons, real or fictional, of accepting rides home from athletes.

Here's a question. You get a call at 4 AM. It's the girlfriend/wife/fiancee/mistress. She's elated!! What's the big occasion?? She met a nice gentleman at one of Philly's local hotspots! And guess what, he plays for one of your favorite sports teams!! And then, just to put the whipped cream on this sundae of awesome news, the athlete in question drove your lass home from the bar! Wasn't that thoughtful of him?? You know, taking your lady home by himself?? That's sweet, right?????
Right???
Nope, not really. But there are degrees of how super lame this scenario could possibly be. Let's examine some of Philadelphia's athletes, past and present, and figure out how things could have gone more wrong.

Scenario 1: Honey, I just got a ride home from Ugueth Urbina!!
Why it sucks: Well, you know, other than the fact that he could have doused your galpal in gasoline and cut her open like a highschool student dissecting a pig fetus, he's not even that famous. He's moderately good looking, but Hispanics make angry lovers.

Scenario 2: Baby, Shawn Bradley just gave me a ride home!!!
Why it sucks: Well there aren't many cars made so that a 7'-6" human can comfortably drive them. Chances are that Mr. Bradley had a chauffeur drive home, and he and your woman were in the back seat. If you've ever watched Taxi Cab Confessions, you know how the back seat of a vehicle is the ultimate aphrodesiac.


Scenario 3: OMG, sweetiekins, I just got a ride from Lenny Dykstra!!
Why it sucks: Well, he's a former steroid user, so the possibility exists that he felt the need to choke a bitch. Aside from that, this is kind of a blessing in disguise. If your female has Skoal residue anywhere on her person, well, chances are she's a two-timing ho. Ditch her.


Scenario 4: Hey sugarbuns, Dikembe Mutombo drove me home from the bar!
Why it sucks: Well, see the Shawn Bradley scenario, now add the fact that the only English sentence he seems to know is "Who wants to sex Mutombo?", and your sweetheart was probably getting a little Black Snake Moan.


Scenario 5: Lemondrop, I just got a ride from former Phillies catcher, Sal Fasano!
Why it sucks: Yeah, you did just get a ride. A Mustache Ride.


Scenario 6: Hey sexy, I just got a ride home from Andy Reid!
Why it sucks: Actually, you're kind of off the hook here. Reid probably made a Krispy Kreme run before dropping off your girl, so he was likely distracted from any sexual advances. Plus, I've always pictured him as being impotent.


Scenario 7: Darling, Hollis Thomas just took me home!
Why it sucks: Why doesn't it suck? Is there anything about that man's face that says "Trust me with a white chick?" The man most famous for taking down Mike Vick probably has a rape stand or two of his own. Repeat: Keep your womenfolk away from Hollis Thomas.

So there you have it. My take on a totally hypothetical situation that would probably never happen. But if it did, at least you know how to react.

Mock Lobster: Rich Ely (Pick #11)

Good sir, I applaud you on a flawless Heisman pose.

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Mock Draft Pick #11: Rich Ely selects Rudi Johnson, RB, Cin

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2006 Rushing Stats: 341 carries, 1309 yards, 12 touchdowns

2005 Rushing Stats: 337 carries, 1458 yards, 12 touchdowns

2004 Rushing Stats: 361 carries, 1454 yards, 12 touchdowns

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Do you like running backs who rush for exactly 12 touchdowns in a season? If so, this is your pick. Look at Rudi's totals for the past three years again. That's almost statistically impossible. The man is a damn cyborg. So who do I allocate him to? Of course it would be Rich Ely, our league's resident Japanese-American. Listen, the Japanese are a wonderful, industrious people, but sometimes they get a little boring on us. Honda, Toyota, Nissan, they're all fine automobiles. But they'll all do exactly the same thing: get good gas mileage, drive for 225,000 miles, and then fall apart. You know exactly what you're getting the second you buy it. There's no surprises. Basically, you're buying Rudi Johnson. So while I've just made what seems to be my tenth borderline racist remark of the preseason towards Asians, what I'm really trying to say, is that he's got himself a sweet new Nissan to drive around for the next five months.

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And if you really need a reason to think I'm racist, head over to All Look Same, fire up "Smiley Faces" by Gnarls Barkley, and take Exam 1: Faces.