THE FINAL CHUMLEY CEREMONY

With his league leading 5th Chumley award, Tony and Jessica are now officially the Power Couple of A Little Slap And Pickle!!

The Heisman may get more airtime on ESPN, but there's another very special award to hand out tonight. For the past few weeks, Randy Moss vs. Tony Romo has been the ALSAP!! equivalent of Tim Tebow vs. Darren McFadden. The Chumleys will wrap up today, and after 13 weeks, I'm pleased to announce we have ourselves a grand champion. He wasn't the only one deserving of the Week 13 hardware, so let's see who else earned themselves a statue.

Game 1: The Ding Dong Danglers def. Pocket T-Bags - And the Chumley goes to...
Panthers, D/ST, Car - 4 picks, 2 fumble recoveries, 6 sacks, and a touchdown all added up to a 28 point day out of the Kitty Cats.

Game 2: MPJ's def. Nutz - And the Chumley goes to...
Hines Ward, WR, Pit - Hines caught 11 balls for 90 yards and 2 touchdowns. The yardage is surprising after that many catches, but the wily-Half-Asian was good for 23.2 points. Not surprisingly, this game happened against the Bengals D. If anybody has a few spare hours, go through the archives and figure out how many Chumley awards were won against Cincinnati's defense. It seems like it's at least 20 percent.

Game 3: Chicago def. Bisbee - And the Chumley goes to...
LaDainian Tomlinson, RB, SD - The #1 overall pick collects his second Chumley of the season. LT had a monster day running for 177 yards and 2 scores. Sidenote: Did anybody notice that the two teams squaring off for the #1 playoff seed last week drafted 11th and 12th? That's proof right there that you can have a great season no matter where you are in the draft order. Pretty amazing GM job by both Shawn and Rich.

Game 4: N. Korea def. Hawaii - And the Chumley goes to...
Peyton Manning, QB, Ind - Peyt put together his best game of the season just in time for the playoffs. Manning has thrown 7 touchdowns in his past two games and is doing just fine even though Marvin Harrison is still dinged up.

Game 5: Death Knell def. Sen. Craig - And the Chumley goes to...
Terrell Owens, WR, Dal - Owens has gone for 100+ yards in 5 of his past 6 games, and he's caught a TD in the last seven straight. Dallas is clearly playing the best football in the NFC right now, and if the Super Bowl matchup is Dallas-New England, I'm not having the Super Bowl party this year. I'm just not ready to decide which team I despise less.

Game 6: Canada def. Jabroc, TN - And the Chumley goes to...
Tony Romo, QB, Dal - Tony puts a nice ribbon on the Chumley race with his Week 13 gem. Against the Packers, Tony had 309 yards, 4 TDs, and 37.1 fantasy points. Rich is now in the driver's seat for the playoffs, and most importantly, the Chumley went to the best player on the best team, which is how it was supposed to go. What's most amazing about Romo's season is the gap in the numbers between him and the rest of the QBs in the NFL (other than Tom Brady). Romo has 355.3 points this year, the next closest horse in the race is Derek Anderson with 287.9, and then there's another six guys all in the same range. But Romo's numbers blow them all away.

A heartfelt congratulations to Tony Romo, who will now be known as Mr. Chumley, and his lovely bride Jessica Simpson. For his season-long accomplishment, Mr. Chumley will win a fantabulous prize package. Let's see what the happy couple has won.
-A year of free Appletinis at Chumley's Bar
-A lifetime supply of ProActiv solution
-An official A Little Slap And Pickle!! hand towel
-An "Employee of the Month" DVD (Widescreen)
-A shiatsu massage from Peter King (complete with Happy Ending)

Week 13 Roundup: Hermies and Yukons

Let's be in-de-pen-dent together!!

As you may have noticed, the blog was not updated today in it's normal timeframe. There's a reason for this. I got transferred to our main office today, which means the days of blogging on somebody else's dime are over. Now I'm stuck in a myriad of cubicles, with dozens of eyes furtively darting to and fro, looking for the first sign of malfeasance, so that the proverbial whip may be cracked. There's a chance I might still be able to sneak in a quick posting during a lunch break, but most of my columns take a little longer to jot down.

This is a mixed bag. The bad news, to you the reader, is that no longer will you be able to check the page multiple times in a day and find a new lead story. The good news, to you the reader, is that now, most of my musings will be written at night, and since it's December, there's a 75% chance that I'm drinking bourbon and listening to Wolfmother (and if the column runs long, like it did tonight, the iTunes playlist spills into WuTang Clan). I like to think most of my decent writing happens when both of those things are happening. Anyway, to fully entertain yourself, I encourage you all to take full advantage of the comments feature and stir the pot a little bit. You can also send me guest posts, as I can cut and paste these when my cube-neighbors go grab a coffee. It will be thrilling for you to see your work on the WWW, and it will be fun for me to pull a guerilla blogging session at the office.

Anyway, you're here (most likely) for football news, and so I'll cut to the chase. There was a full slate of NFL action this week: some good (Browns-Cards); some atrocious (Bears-Jints). Let's peek around the league and see who deserves one of our two titles this week.

HERMIE THE DENTISTS

I watched Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer on CBS tonight, and I couldn't help but notice that Hermie has to be one of the biggest Bajingos in television history. This guy was as close to a butt pirate as you could get away with in 1964. His hair was always perfectly coiffed, he spoke with a distinct lisp (I don't like making toyth!), and he wanted to be a dentist. Probably to see the inside of dudes' throats. Anyway, if our fantasy landscape were Rudolph, the shittiest of the bunch would be represented by Gay Hermie.

1. Wes Welker!!! - I'll be honest, I dozed off at halftime of last night's MNF contest (damn you, Yuengling variety pack!!!). And apparently I missed a doozy. But one thing I didn't miss was actual production from The Great White Hope. Welker was quiet to the tune of 3 catches for 18 yards, only a week after catching seemingly every pass attempted against the Eagles D.

2. Kevin Jones - If you're a running back, and you make it into somebody's starting lineup, and then "produce" only 3 carries for 1 yard, well then, that would make you a giant swollen Bajingo.

3. Packers D/ST - Negative 3 points. Instant Bajingo.

4. Brett Favre - I know, he was hurt. But it's not like he was lighting Dallas up at the time. In fact, he was stinking up the joint to the tune of 5/14, 56 yards and 2 Ints. If there's any consolation for Shelby, it's that the rest of his team played like complete Hobo Ass this weekend too, and he probably wouldn't have made the playoffs even if Favre had tossed 5 touchdowns.

5. Rich Ely - Pardon me for raising my voice at the number 1 seed in our playoff bracket. But HOW IN GOD'S GREEN EARTH HAVE YOU MADE 23 TRANSACTIONS, AND NOT ONE OF THEM INVOLVED CUTTING TERRY GLENN?! You know, you deserved to lose yesterday after starting an injured Larry Fitzgerald. A quick scan of your bench showed Andre Davis, Santana Moss, and Mr. 0 games played, 0 catches, 0 yards, 0 TDs Himself! Why is this man still on a roster, Rich? Why?

YUKON CORNELIUSES

In the same movie as I mentioned above, the choices for most asskicking character are few and far between. The obvious choice to replace "Sasquatches" this week would be The Abominable Snow Monster, who is, well...a Sasquatch. However, something about Abominable just doesn't click in this film. For one, he's entirely too clumsy. Secondly, he's one of those lame villians who has the good guys trapped for hours but just won't kill them. And thirdly, he's a giant shrieking pussy once he gets his teeth taken out. So what if you can't chew!? It will hurt Rudolph even more if you gum him to death. Maybe step on him a few times or whip him against the side of a cave to shatter his bones and he'll go down easier. Stop being a little bitch.

Anyway, the real hero in this movie is Yukon Cornelius, who not only roams the North Pole looking for gold and silver, but does so with a sleigh driven by approximately 4 puppies. These dogs aren't even full grown, and here they are, carrying a grown man, an elf, and a deer across the snow banks. It's awesome. And so is Yukon. And so are our next five names.

1. The Ding-Dong Danglers! - It's unfortunate that this team is Consolation Ladder bound. Delaware was the highest scoring tribe this week, and the way they're playing, could have caused some real trouble for a top seed in the playoffs this week.

2. Willis McGahee - Willis had his best game of the season against the best team ever to play any organized sport ever. That's pretty impressive. McGahee carried 30 times for 138 yards and a score. The touchdown was his 7th in as many games, which is strange considering he didn't have a rushing TD in his first five games.

3. Peyton and Reggie - I swear my Comcast box must have a V-Chip that blocks any highlights from any game involving the Jacksonville Jaguars. I didn't see a single snap of this game, but apparently Peyton Manning and Reggie Wayne both had a monstronomous (new word) game against JVille this weekend, combining for 61 points.

4. LaAdrainian Petomlinerson - My two headed mutant backfield combined to be the most potent duo in the league last week. Adrian's healthy, LT (and the Chargers for that matter) appears to be back in form, and I'm ready for a Champeenship run.

5. AD - No, not All Day Peterson, but Adam Davis. Our league hasn't had a member be the target of so much humor since Shelby's spare skin, but Adam is the one laughing now. Kudos to him for keeping Brady over Manning and making the playoffs. The only negative I can think of is that at next year's draft, everybody's going to go with the two-quarterbacks-in-the-first-two-rounds theory, and I'll be stuck scraping the bottom of the barrel and have to trot out Chris Redman as my Week 1 starter.

Be sure to join us next week for a very special Playoff Edition of Bajingos and Sasquatches! And by "very special", I mean "probably less names on each list since there's fewer teams playing important games in our league"!!!

MMSY: 12/3/07

Glory days...
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5 Things I Think I Thought That Were

1. American Gangster was a terrific flick; caught it over the weekend. The acting was great and all, but the portrayal of Russell Crowe’s wallet stole the show. I mean that thing was CRAMMED into his jeans pocket. Jeez.

2. Wouldn’t it be nice for Joe to take the Alamo Bowl as an opportunity to ride off into the sunset? We’ll likely win that game in a thrilling 13-10 affair. We now know Joe’s salary. And we know it’s increasingly difficult for him to coach in big-game situations. It’s been a great 75 years at PSU, but it may be time to hand off the reins. WHO AM I KIDDING

3. I’d like to know Jordan take on AJ Feeley’s performance yesterday. Granted, I did not see any of the game, nor a single highlight because of my attendance at the Cards/Browns game (c’mon, Winslow HAD to have been pushed out of bounds at the end). But reading recaps and seeing the eye-popping 7 interceptions in two games has me wondering if all the cat callers aiming their venom at McNabb are rethinking their position at all? Feeley’s on par for a Doug Pederson-esque performance. Perhaps even Mike McMahon levels! Maybe, just maybe, this entire Eagles team is garbage disguised as a playoff contender. How else to explain the up-and-down nature of this squad this year?

4. A big pat on the back is in order for Big Brother Davis. Through all the ridicule of his drafting strategy, The Trade, and the massive losing streak at the beginning of the year, he stayed steadfast and now is on the cusp of the playoffs. A salute to you, my friend, from the toilet bowl known as “Not in da playoffs.”
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5. Good luck to all in the playoffs. I wish you the best in crashing and burning. Each and every one of you.

I Think I Think I Think....

THAT YOUR ASS IS HEADED TO THE CONSOLATION LADDER!!!

Bear Grylls takes no prisoners.

Place Your Bets!!!

The Stratosphere - Las Vegas's Second Least Illustrious Resort!

As was detailed in today's e-mail session, there are still five teams fighting for a playoff spot. The only problem is, only two teams can claim them. You're probably still wondering who's got the upper hand in this thing, and luckily for you, my second cousin dates this chick whose brother works with a girl who's married to the head oddsmaker at the Stratosphere in Vegas. So needless to say, I got my hands on an advance copy of the odds this week. Let's see just how this race shakes out.

DEATH KNELL - (5-7, Current Points Leader, vs. Larry Craig Fritzes [1-11])
Odds Of Reaching Playoffs - 1:2
The Commish essentially needs to beat the worst team in the league to clinch a spot. Shouldn't be that difficult. Better yet, Kurt Warner plays the Browns, essentially assuring him of a 600 yard passing day. Pack your bags for the playoffs, Mr. Fritz. Amazing turnaround by a team that many (OK, just me) claimed were dead in the water just a few short weeks ago.

BISBEE BALL MAULERS - (5-7, 14.8 points back, vs. Chicago Bear Grylls [7-5])
Odds Of Reaching Playoffs - 3:1
The last time Bisbee and Chicago met up, Bear Grylls prevailed by an 82 point margin. Bisbee will be looking to even the season series, but it will be tough. CBG's superduperstar running back Adrian Peterson looks to return to action, and even better, he'll be doing it against the Detroit Lions. The matchups are generally favorable for the Maulers this week, but the star power here is not what it once was.

POCKET T-BAGS - (5-7, 43.1 points back, vs. Delaware Ding Dong Danglers [4-8])
Odds Of Reaching Playoffs - 3:2
Now things start getting interesting. If Bisbee loses, the path is clear for the T-Bags. Win, and they likely make it in as the #8 seed. If Bisbee wins, the T-Bags will need to put up 28.4 points more than the Maulers. Sounds simple, right? Actually, it might be. Shelby has two horses in the Dallas-Green Bay Thursday Night game, which this analyst projects to be a fireworks show. Expect plenty of scoring, and having the Brett Favre to Donald Driver combo might just be Shelby's meal ticket in this one.

HOLIDAYSBURGS MPJs - (5-7, 69.6 points back, vs. Lymez Dizeez Nutz [7-5])
Odds Of Reaching Playoffs - 5:1
Adam will need some teams to lose to make it to the playoffs. There are some crummy matchups on his team, and I'm not even sure Adam knows who he's starting at RB2 this weekend. Cedric Benson is done for the year and Brandon Jacobs is hurt as well. Chester Taylor's not even a great play this week as all signs point to him taking a back seat to Peterson once again. Tom Brady, aka The Suitcase Nuke, is a possibility to singlehandedly carry Adam to a victory once again, but he travels to Baltimore this weekend. Personally, I think the Ravens might be the worst team in football, but from time to time their defense can click and shut opposing offenses down. Adam has to have a lot of things go right to make an appearance in Week 14.

DELAWARE DING-DONG DANGLERS - (4-8, 99.7 points back, vs. Pocket T-Bags [5-7])
Odds Of Reaching Playoffs - 25:1
Please allow me to slip into Tony Kornheiser mode.
IF...
-Drew Brees can pretend it's 2006...
-Steve Smith can play a game where he actually remembers that he's Steve Smith...
-Plaxico Burress can stretch the Bears defense for two deep touchdowns on a permanently gimpy ankle...
-Chris Cooley can play the most emotionally charged football of his life...
-Reggie Brown can convince Andy Reid to start AJ Feeley...
-Steven Jackson can play with a quarterback who can actually handle snaps at the goal line...
-The Panthers D can whitewash the 49ers...
-Jeff Wilkins can nail two or more 50 yarders...
-LenDale White can score one touchdown for every Krispy Kreme donut he eats on Sunday...
-Three other 5-8 teams blow a win-and-you're-in...
...Then Ladies And Gentlemen, the Dong Danglers are playoff bound!

Good luck to all the playoff contenders this weekend, with the exception of Mike.

Your First Place Junk Jabbers

So it took 12 long weeks, but Rich is finally on top.

To celebrate, here's a video of Japanese women learning some helpful phrases for their next visit to America. (I stole this from Withleather.com)