TMSY: 12/11/07

And there was a ... FIRE FIGHT!

1 Thing I Think I Thought That Were

1. A LOT of hot action in the playoffs this weekend. And then there were four. Well, plus two -- because who can forget about The Consolation Ladder (aka the Toilet Brush Game)? Congrats to Junk Jabbers, Cripplers, Kim Jong Il and Bear Grylls. Look for another playoff preview blowout from yours truly later this week!

MMSY: 12/3/07

Glory days...
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5 Things I Think I Thought That Were

1. American Gangster was a terrific flick; caught it over the weekend. The acting was great and all, but the portrayal of Russell Crowe’s wallet stole the show. I mean that thing was CRAMMED into his jeans pocket. Jeez.

2. Wouldn’t it be nice for Joe to take the Alamo Bowl as an opportunity to ride off into the sunset? We’ll likely win that game in a thrilling 13-10 affair. We now know Joe’s salary. And we know it’s increasingly difficult for him to coach in big-game situations. It’s been a great 75 years at PSU, but it may be time to hand off the reins. WHO AM I KIDDING

3. I’d like to know Jordan take on AJ Feeley’s performance yesterday. Granted, I did not see any of the game, nor a single highlight because of my attendance at the Cards/Browns game (c’mon, Winslow HAD to have been pushed out of bounds at the end). But reading recaps and seeing the eye-popping 7 interceptions in two games has me wondering if all the cat callers aiming their venom at McNabb are rethinking their position at all? Feeley’s on par for a Doug Pederson-esque performance. Perhaps even Mike McMahon levels! Maybe, just maybe, this entire Eagles team is garbage disguised as a playoff contender. How else to explain the up-and-down nature of this squad this year?

4. A big pat on the back is in order for Big Brother Davis. Through all the ridicule of his drafting strategy, The Trade, and the massive losing streak at the beginning of the year, he stayed steadfast and now is on the cusp of the playoffs. A salute to you, my friend, from the toilet bowl known as “Not in da playoffs.”
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5. Good luck to all in the playoffs. I wish you the best in crashing and burning. Each and every one of you.

MMSY: 11/26/07

"Hmmm. Just HOW quick is Wes Welker? Please share, Sir Madden. Also, would you like to tinkle in my pot?"

5 Things I Think I Thought That Were

1. I think that I truly thank the Eagles, not only for really taking it, tooth and nail, to the Patriots, but for also shutting up the broadcast team about this ridiculous "best team ever" garbage. Usually that kind of conversation is reserved until after a team wins a championship. I said it aloud right before Madden and Michaels, but my greatest hope is the Eagles showed the league how to defeat EVIL NEW ENGLAND by mimicking the Eagles' gameplan. I'd say I'd want Pittsburgh to mimic that gameplan, but then I'd have to also eat my own foot.

2. I think Frank TV was pretty amusing, but I can see where the bit gets old after awhile. He already exhausted his Madden, Charles Barkley (which is downright awesome), GW Bush, Clinton and the cast of Seinfeld (his Kramer voice was spot-on). Once Dr. Phil is trotted out, it might be time to cancel Caliendo's show.

3. I think John Madden and Al Michaels helped me discover that:
a. Wes Welker is quick. He's quicker than quick. He's quicky. Honestly, did anyone else pick up on the excessive use of the Q-word last night?
b. Someone can make worse jokes than me. Case in point: Michaels making some corny pun about "touchy... FEELEY" when relaying an anecdote about AJ Feeley. Yuck yuck.

4. I think Kolby Smith = shrewd.

5. I think that I'm dumbfounded by this weekend's message board activity. I admit that I started the fire, but the Santa Anna winds blew in on it and the next thing you know everyone's evacuating the fire-ravaged message board for the weekend. Is it safe to return? What the eff happened? I'm cold.

Monday Afternoon Slobbering Yap: 11/19/07

A rocket scientist certainly wouldn't have missed the ending to that Browns/Ravens game.

5 Things I Think I Thought That Were

1. I think it's hilarious that, in this morning's emails, no one thought it was unusual that Adam said he quite nearly concussed himself by slamming his head into a car during a boozed-up snowball fight. Really, that didn't make anyone pause? I'm not sure what that says about Mountain Man that we all just kinda soaked it in and chalked it up to Davis being Davis. But it made me nearly cackle out loud.

2. I think I'll chime in with some Penn State game thoughts:
a. No one should be shocked or dismayed by that performance. All year they've played like they're a group of college kids on a road trip and their '92 Ford Taurus is only picking up easy listening stations as they travel through Nebraska. You know, Anne Murray and the like. They seem disinterested, demoralized and struggling for leadership. Not to mention satellite radio.
b. Yes, boys, Brent Carter looked great. But don't expect to see him play next year until game 6 or 7. Just 'cuz that's how Joe does stuff.
c. I think we all would love to see a special teams coach be created this offseason, yes? It's neat and all that Larry Johnson handles the kicking and Bradley (I think, who REALLY knows!) takes the coverage portion. But can we consolidate positions?

3. I think you all should be watching Kitchen Nightmares with Chef Gordon Ramsey on FOX. Terrific show. Where else can you hear self-important restauranteurs get called "donkies" by a foul-mouthed chef?

4. I think that as this NFL season has evolved, I've watched more Cleveland Browns games than Eagles games. I like the team. They're feisty. Plus I have Captain America Anderson on my roster. The fincy (that was Shawn-speak) and I have gone to a Browns backer sports bar known as the Sky Box in Glendale a handful of times. So there we were yesterday, enjoying the game, I'm spying the TV in the upper right corner with the Birds/Fins every now and then. Long story short, did we get to see the amazing ending of the Browns game? No. That's because we reluctantly had to leave early (before the ess even hit the fan) to listen to a relentless 2-hour pitch from a cookware company, just so we could get a free trip the fincy won at a bridal expo. And no, folks, we didn't buy the 19-piece set with the collander.

5. I think these fantasy playoffs are gonna be sweet, even if I'm likely to miss the boat this year. That just means I'll have to take the reins of impartial handicapper and playoff preview maven. Because really, can we have Citizen 10Cane doing these if he has a horse in the race? No! Oh, and I still think my trade wasn't that bad. Parker and Kitna really tore it up yesterday!

MMSY: 11/12/07

Following this weekend, is it too much to ask "Touchdown" Fred Barnett to take over the body of Hank Baskett?

5 Things I Think I Thought That Were

1. I think that depsite not clinching a "win" per se with the controversial trade this week with Shawn, I'm glad to pawn off on the Pittsburgh fan the splendid mediocrity that is Willie Parker. Sure, his points-per-week average is good. Going into the weekend he was ranked the #11 scoring running back in ESPN. But Shawn, buddy: Enjoy the 100-yard games with no touchdowns. It really gets to be enjoyable -- even more so when you expend a No. 7 first round pick on him and watch the back chosen after Parker (Dr. Brian Westbrook) drop a 43-point atom bomb this week.

2. Jumpin' jehosiphat! What was with the stat line from James Thrash?? It was sickening to watch him dissect the Birds D, but then something strange happened. If one former trashy Birds offensive player could somehow be reincarnated on the field, well, why couldn't the current Eagles team benefit as well? It was as though the ghosts of Charles Johnson and Jed Weaver took over the bodies of Reggie Brown and LJ Smith. Weird, odd stuff.

3. I think it's really puzzling how fantasy football scoring works sometimes. Just look at Peyton Manning. Six interceptions! And somehow he's able to generate 19 points. I get the whole 328 yards passing and that accounting for something, but what the drilly-o? Commish, can we institute next year some sort of scoring penalty that would be triggered when a quarterback throws, oh, four INTs in a game? Maybe like a -10? As A Little Slap And Pickle would say, "I'm just saying."

4. I think that I will never live down my past indiscretions with past flames, no matter how much time passes. It was wonderful getting a voicemail from Craig, with you hoodlums shouting various names out in the background. Ohhhhhhhhh you guys!

5. I think that I'd be curious to hear how Jon's Saturday morning went. Word on the street from The Pied Piper of Upper Darby is that he had the most ... eventful ... Friday evening with the boys. Do share blog daddy!

MMSY: 11/5/07

It's gonna take a Herculean effort for any of the Autobots (besides Aaron) to move into serious, serious playoff contention.

5 Things I Think I Thought That Were

1. I think that, since I won't be making the trip to Philly this weekend for the Temple festivities, I'd like to place odds on various things that COULD happen. Please add your own predictions in the comments section (wink, Hefty! Like me trying to get the participation going on your blog?? Yeah!):
a. 1-1 that Craig accidentally-on-purpose walks in on Melvin showering.
b. 3-1 that someone makes an uncomfortable joke about Paul's still-sour feelings on The Trade That Almost Was while around Adam. Crap, that happened on the ESPN message board already? Alright, let's bump it up to 7-2.
c. Pick 'em that I'll be wishing I was there, just to smear butter on someone's head whilst they slumber. Awwww, miss you guys!
d. I'd make more predictions but I was left off that email list and can't fully remember who is going. Kinda ruins that...

2. I think that, aside from committing armed robbery on a toddler (thanks, Paul!), the only other thing more enjoyable than watching Sunday night's Cowboys' thumping of the Birds was DVR'ing through the entire first half. Made that second touchdown drive seem much less painful. Wake me up when this season is over, it's April and the Eagles are on the clock.

3. I think someone should just give the Patriots the title. Just put us all out of our misery. There I was, at the Skybox in Glendale, beginning of the 4th quarter in that game. I was gloating beyond belief, happy that my obvious bias against Boston correctly led me to pick the Colts to win -- so I thought. Well, the rest of that 4th quarter made me throw up in my mouth and whiz my drawers. Note: I was able to eat chicken fingers and fries before losing control of bodily functions.

4. I think... eh. The Eagles are awful.

5. I think that anyone planning to make the trip to San Antonio to watch the Nitts is foolish. This weekend they'll slaughter Temple in front of the rowdy alumni. But all signs are pointing toward a tremendous letdown at East Lansing in two weeks. However, I must say I was happy to see Dan Connor take the all-time tackles lead at PSU. So happy that I prankcalled my former high school basketball coach repeatedly for the rest of Saturday afternoon. It was hilarious.

MMSY: 10/29/07

Feel the excitement! It's the Colts! It's the Pats! It's .... NEXXXXT!!!

5 Things I Think I Thought That Were

1. I think the best part about the Penn State/Ohio State "game" was the sign shown during ESPN College Gameday: "Finkel Is Einhorn." Simple. Short. Absolute genius. I've got more venom coming on that PSU effort in a bit.

2. I think that the hype meter might implode this week with the build up to Indianapolis/New England this coming weekend. I get it, I do.

This is going to be a terrific game between two teams that, clearly, are head and shoulders above the rest of the NFL. I also know that Tony Dungy has overcome severe personal tragedy to reach gigantic professional heights, all while helping folks along the way in a spiritual and motivational manner. That Bill Belichick still faces scrutiny over the camera thingy and wants to prove to the world that his team doesn't need to cheat to dominate. That the Patriots have old, yet wily linebackers. That the Colts are being viewed as "under the radar." That Bob Sanders is the straw that stirs the Colts defense. That Tom Brady is trying to not only take revenge on the Colts for their 2006 playoff demise, but also is trying to forcibly suffocate that single-season touchdown record that Peyton holds. Oh, and eff as many models as he can in a calendar year, too.

(Still with me? I've got tons of new angles that haven't been covered yet... OK, I'll stop).

3. I think that, since no one else seemed to give a damn about Hefty's 76ers post on Friday, that I'll chime in: OJ Mayo will not help this franchise. I don't buy, right now, that he's the best player for them (anybody think a legit center might help? Or better yet, the power forward that hasn't been present since Sir Charles came out to the desert in 1993? I loved Tyrone Hill and Charles Shackleford, but ... yeah.) In fact, I don't even buy that Mayo is the best of the one-year-and-done college kids (Kevin Love at UCLA; Eric Gordon at Indiana). Plus, Mayo has a stink-ass attitude. I say stay away from him.

Plus, we know this draft speculation will be rendered completely moot when they reel off a flurry of wins at the end of the season to sneak into the playoffs and promptly get jackhammered by the top seed.

4. I think that Hollywoodland is an excellent film. Stars Adrien Brody, Ben Affleck, Diane Lane and that guy from Who Framed Roger Rabbit? A taught (like a tiger) thriller about the mysterious death of 1950s television star George "Superman" Reeves. Mixed in is some humor and multiple (repeat: MULTIPLE) bare rear-end shots of Mr. Affleck. Fantastic stuff.

5. I think that my rant from the Michigan game, sadly, applies here again. It's almost becoming routine, this strategy where the coaching staff tries to minimize the team's mistakes by doing things that simply cannot help your team win:
a. Not blitzing a first-year starter making his biggest start of his career on the road. The two times (seriously, someone tell me if you counted more) that Penn State blitzed, they resulted in Dan Connor's interception and a Navarro Bowman sack.
b. Not throwing the ball downfield. My dad made a great observation in that, once we scored on that opening drive by running the ball very effectively, the gameplan got shifted to an extreme focus on the run. And it didn't work.
c. Keeping Andrew Quarless in to block rather than using his 6'5, 250-lb. frame in the passing game down the middle. If I, sitting in a crowded PSU alumni sports bar, can spot that every time Quarless tapped Morelli's ass that they would be running to the left of the line, well I'm just kinda sorta sure Ohio State figured it out.
d. That cowardly decision to punt when it was 4-and-2 at the Ohio State 38-yard-line. Change your diaper, Joe Pa.
e. Don't even get me started on the mandatory 15-yard cushion our defensive backs are instructed to give every receiver. It's a joke.

Monday Morning Slobbering Yap: 10/22/07

She said yes!

5 Things I Think I Thought That Were

1. I think it's high time to announce to the Westside fantasy football blogging world that I have joined the Dead Men Walking: I'm engaged. I asked Meg on a magical, 94-degree Saturday afternoon in a pumpkin patch. She said yes. Took her to McDonald's for a celebratory soda. Got some Cook's champagne later. Then got runkled like it was Blue/White 2005. Pictures are forthcoming.

2. I think I liked not watching the Eagles on Sunday. Partly was because I was hungover and didn't want to have Bears fans breathing on my ear at the sports bar. Partly because the Eagles are a flaming turd as a whole.

3. I think that Jon's assertion last week that the current top-six teams are pretty much assured a playoff spot is seriously flawed. For one, there are six games left in the Westside regular season. A team like the Cripplers? How long can they sustain with David Garrard or some other band-aid QB? Jordan's ship is close to capsizing. And Jon, even though we genuflect in front of his picking Tomlinson and Peterson, took his third loss. I'm just saying.

4. I think that we upset Ohio State at Beaver Stadium on Saturday night, 24-20. And I also think that, unlike this past Saturday, I won't be drinking several Washington Apples to celebrate. Melvin is correct when he tells me this: Washington Apples are not manly.

5. I think we HAVE to root for the Rockies, right? I mean, can Boston please go eff an alpaca or something. The Patriots are unbeaten, the Celtics have Garnett and the Sox return to the Series, so that I can see idiot New Engladers slobbering all over their sissy Sox clothing and dragging their knuckles as they walk to the concession stand for another hot dog. I hate it. So much worse than those swollen-head Steeler fans.

Monday Morning Slobbering Yap: 10/14/07

Do I need to make the connection? Hail Holidaysburg's MPJs!

1. I think that the battle for the last couple of playoff spots is going to be the most heated storyline for the rest of the season. Who can squeeze points out of Amani Toomer, or Santana Moss, or Jerricho Cotchery or Isaac Bruce?

2. I think that, while there will be many takes on Hefty's record-shattering performance, here's mine: The Bear Grylls' 212 points is twice that of Melvin's SAT score.

3. I think that Penn State looked like a real team on Saturday. And that's the most frustrating part. Those brain cramps against Michigan and Illinois now become even more magnified. With the chaos in the Football Bowl Subdivision (really, was Division I such a bad name? Do we need 'FBS'?), the Nits had a prime chance to sneak into a BCS bowl, even after that Michigan debacle. Now if they could just throw the ball down the field every darn week, that'd be nice. On a side note, that Saturday night tilt with Ohio State is looking MIGHTY tasty now.

4. I think this is what I liked about Week 6 of our fabled fantasy escapade:
a. Shawn's shrewd pickup of Chris Henry. Watching Slimmy's deadly duo of CJ and Hoosh tear it up can only mean that Henry's gonna get some grabs. Whether or not those catches come via armed robbery is yet to be determined.
b. Mr. Gisele and Ravens D come through in the clutch for Adam. Who's laughing now? Well alright, it took 6 weeks to materialize into something, but regardless! Congrats to Adam for getting that elusive first victory.
c. Shelby, though in vain, getting points from Eric Johnson. Wow.
d. Maybe this should go into "things I don't like" since I made the smart aleck observation a couple weeks back, but Aaron's team is good. Not lucky. MoJo Drew, your pimp hand is STRONG. Welcome back.

5. I think this is what I didn't exactly like about Week 6:
a. Adrian Peterson farted and got 17 fantasy points as a result.
b. Where has the Bears D gone to?
c. Watching the update of Miami Vice to prepare for the weekend's action was not a great. The film starts out extremely strong, but I kept looking at Colin Farell strutting around in those ridiculous linen suits and wondering why he walks like he dumped in his boxer briefs.
d. Santana Moss. He's like this year's version of Laveraneheusjhsuads Coles for me. If I don't pick him, he goes bonkers. If I pick him, he shreds his groin and plays like he has crisco smeared on his sternum.
e. Having to endure the horrendous Brad Nessler/Bob Griese/Paul McGuire trio while watching the Penn State game. No, really, I was quite curious to learn why Walrus Lips McGuire gets a three-quarter chub while watching Carl Edwards circle around a racetrack. Riveting stuff. Nah, I don't even care that a football game is going on and that some type of analysis of the field action would enrich the broadcast.

Monday Site News: Sleepy Kitten Edition

Cute!! Super Cute!!!!!!!!!!!!

Site News:

Today is Monday morning. You're used to seeing hard-hitting-double-teaming-bloggery from Mike and I. Like that first sip of coffee during the work week, you crave it. You need it. You're not sure you can start the day without it.

But you're not getting it this week.

I had to work from 12-8 yesterday, which is unequivocably my favorite 8 hour window in the entire week. Normally I'd be glued to both the TV and the Fantasycast, checking up on all the fantasy comings and goings, preparing myself to bang out one hell of a "Bajingos and Sasquatches" column. Instead, I was sneaking away to my Prius every thirty minutes to try to catch game updates on AM radio, while ducking stray gunfire in West Philadelphia. Needless to say, these two experiences are not all that similar. I caught maybe 10 minutes of the Bears-Packers game when I got home, but all in all, I missed the entirety of Sunday's action.
All hope is not lost, however, as I'll have a Photo Finishes column up today, previewing the Dallas-Buffalo game (read: blowout) tonight.

Also, there's no MMSY today. If you all ask nicely, there may be one next week.

But hey, at least you get to look at an adorable kitten.

Monday Morning Slobbering Yap: 10/1/07

Jerry Porter put a whipping on Monsignor Baldo and then donned the "Million Dollar Man" Ted DiBiase belt this weekend. Respect.

5 Things I Think That I Thought Were

1. I think you damn well know the numbers... 12 sacks and 15 penalties (Eagles), five turnovers (PSU) and nine men in the box (Steelers). What an abomination all around. Hey Steelers fans, welcome to watching a game where it feels like some chick in stelletos is just repeatedly stomping on your beanbag. Isn't it fun? WHY didn't Arians realize the Cards were stacking the box to stop Parker? WTF, Beavis.

2. I think I like the Phillies chances against either the Rockies or the Padres. And I like their chances even more against the next tier of opponents, the Dbacks and Cubs. Having watched the Dbacks all year, they have a couple of pitchers who give up a ton of runs (Doug Davis and Livan "Meatball Sub" Hernandez) and we know how the Phillies score. We'll see. I just jinxed them. The Mets are awesome, by the by!

3. I think you all should stay away from seeing The Black Dahlia, which stars Josh Harnett (worst actor in the world; he's as wooden as Hussein's magical growing nose), Scarlett Johansson (she doesn't even look great in it) and Hilary Swank (who bares her bottom. It's alright). The plot is convoluted, the acting is pretty poor and the film is too long. Overall, a major bummer.

4. I think this is what I hated about the weekend:
a. It's the same, tired-ass story with Penn State. Just an excrutiating experience and a colossal waste of talent and opportunities. What will it take for JoePa to come out of his coma?
b. Penn State.
c. Nittany Lions.
d. Joe.
e. Bringing out the spread offense early against Illinois. It works for a bit. And then shelve it.
f. Penn State.

5. I think this is what I liked about the weekend:
a. Meg's innocent question about Andy Reid, while we're watching that diarrhea fest last night and Tickle Me, Moustache is shown sweating in his trademark massive snowsuit: "Is it really cold there? ... Why is he wearing a ski jacket?" Many of us have wondered the same thing, dear.
b. Having Jerry Porter shove a giant middle finger in Jordan's face. How's that for analysis?
c. Seeing the undefeated Westside teams take it on the chin. Now we're in for a real race the rest of this fantasy season!
d. 0-4. Guess who.

Monday Morning Slobbering Yap: 9/24/07

Please, stop laughing at the Ball Maulers, Jim "The Anvil" Neidhart.

1. I think that I must've done something to receive these last two weeks of ass whoopings, all while I put up decent pointage. So, in rolling with that, this week I will take the opposite viewpoint on several issues, with the hopes that reverse psychology will help turn the luck around. Kinda like My Name is Earl or something...
a. I do not think Paul Davis will grow up to be a cunning pedophile.
b. Aaron's team is good, not lucky.
c. I respect Adam's drafting strategy. Also, he's not whining. Not at all. Neither am I.
d. Shelby isn't even thinking about sitting Kevin Curtis for Brandon Stokely. He's also not sitting with a gun to his head and a blowtorch near his eyeball.

2. I think single women everywhere should have their pink Tasers handy now that Shawn Hussein is on the prowl again. So I hear.

3. I think that Michigan game was just a total embarrassment to the Penn State community. Couldn't even talk about it immediately after the game was over. How sad. Joe, Jay, Galen. They're all complicit in that debacle. Let the guys succeed, coaches. Don't play like women. Triple Ugh.

4. I think I'll start backpedaling on my shouts about Randy Moss being overrated. OK, the guy is exceeding my expert expectations. I'm a man. I'll accept that. But I fully expect him to hit a woman in the crosswalk with his vehicle any day now.

5. I think Lady in the Water was terrible. Just saw it this week. M. Night's movies are some of my favorites but that was a stinker.

Monday Morning Slobbering Yap: 9/17/07

Heck, even Det. Nordberg found time this weekend to laugh at me.
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5 Things I Think That I Thought Were

1. I think ... well, I'll say this about the Chicago Bear Grylls/Bisbee Ball Maulers "matchup." Noah himself couldn't have built an adequately sized ark to combat CBG's flood of touchdowns. There hasn't been this much trauma inflicted on a group of people since the Trail of Tears (look it up on wikipedia, Melvin). Just effin' ridiculous. Let's move on.

2. I think the trade winds surrounding the BecaHigh DanKendras (god, I hate typing that SO much) and their key asset, Tom Brady, are set to pick up. MMSY has learned from sources close to league insiders who are familiar with the situation that someone anonymously told them about... you get the point. Word is, Adam is looking to deal Tom Brady and THEN deal Peyton Manning. In another possible deal, sources also say that a deal could go down between the Davis brothers, with Paul shipping Clinton Portis and Cadillac Williams to BHDK for Brady. Stay tuned.

I think these are some random thoughts on the weekend:
a. 3:10 To Yuma is a terrific, shoot-em-up film. Saw the original (black-and-white from 1957 or so) recently and the remake essentially measures up to it. Christian Bale is particularly good. And oh-so-pretty.
b. Look, boys. We're gonna beat Michigan. Get rid of that feeling in the pits of your stomachs. Ollie Ogbu will sprinkle some oregano flakes and dijon mustard on Michael Hart, and gobble him up. Craig, I suggest you add that recipe to The Untrained Chef, stat!
c. Going off the stellar momentum from the weekend, who thinks the Phils lose 2 of their next 3? Show of hands?

4. I think the way things are shaking out for Rich that he could be in the market to pick up Orenthal James Simpson at running back. Being charged with multiple felonies has got to be at least worth 5 points -- and that'd be more than his running backs have produced.

5. I think Slimmy being 2-0 has got to be the most enraging thing ever. Opie cannot win this year!

Monday Morning Slobbering Yap: 9/10/07

Romo? Almost 50 points? Burress? Almost 40? Something doesn't seem quite right...

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1. I think Penn State's defense has the makings to be the best in Big Ten, certainly. But one could argue that the unit, which is displaying phenomenal speed, is among the top 5 defenses in the country this early into the season. And you can truly tell that the defensive line honed its hand-to-hand combat skills at Meridian II in the offseason. It's paying off in spades.

2. I think the Explosive Diarrhea General Manager of the Week Award goes to Ricardo Ely for that what-the-eff-no-really-stop-it!! performance by Tony "Hide The Balogna" Romo. Nearly a 50-point game?! What an explosive, wild and messy effort!

3. I think the Britney Spears performance at the MTV VMAs last night is on par with Jordan Yingling's various forays on to the basketball court. They both consisted of disjointed movement, ill-advised heaves and stretched vulvas.

4. I think we should expect to hear some hootin' and hollerin' from the Randy Moss camp in Westside V this week. It was one week, fellas, and the Jets secondary couldn't cover Deewaan's package. Hey, I think that's the J-E-T-S! in David's team logo!

5. I think the down-to-the-wire matchup between the Areolas and the Maulers could be one for the ages. It's time to choppy-choppy pee-pee!

Monday Morning Slobbering Yap: 9/3/07

Matthew Paul could spring an upset in Week 1 -- so long as he doesn't eat himself to death.

5 Things I Think That I Thought Were (9/3/07)

1. I think the opening matchup between Hefty and Melvin could be closer than the league pundits are saying (currently Melvin is down 6-1 in voting). Bear Grylls' personnel face some tough defensive matchups, including LDT against the Bears, Lynch has the Broncos, and Carson Pa-Pa facing off with the Ravens. Although Melvin's WR corps lacks some SERIOUS punch (let's see what this supposed trade with Richard brings him), I like the McNabb matchup against Green Bay, the Jags D and Tony "My Wife Puts All Yours To Shame" Gonzalez. This one could come down to a Devin Hester punt retu-- ... yeah, scratch that.

2. I think that HBO's Hard Knocks has been fantastic. Major kudos to the network for making the 2007 Kansas City Chiefs appear to be remotely interesting/good, and for exposing the cursing genius of Gunther Cunningham. I wanna wear a pair of Gun's hunting glasses while watching the games each Sunday.

3. I think the discussion about Randy Moss and his fantasy impact this year is intriguing. Many of us believe Shawn reached to select Moss, but there is a valid argument that he'll produce a decent amount of TDs because of New England's play-action and having burner Donte Stallworth playing opposite him. Then again, Moss hasn't seen playing time this preseason. Whatever the side of the argument you're on, I think we're all in agreement that Slimmy's 10 TD prediction for Moss is stoner-rifically off base.

4. I think that Larry Craig has made me reevaluate all those times at Newark International Airport that I fiddled under the stall next to me. Honestly, I was just looking for my... boarding pass. Yes. Kudos to Melvin for the team name, by the way.

5. I think the opening weekend of college football could not have gone better. A convincing Penn State victory topped almost immediately by that thrilling App State win and the blowtorching of Notre Dame. Watching at the alumni bar in Tempe, about 35 PSU fans stuck around and just laughed following the Michigan game. And laughed. And laughed. Hey, at least UM can still count unemployed Dhani Jones as one of its distinguished alumni.

Monday Morning Slobbering Yap: 8/27/07

Walbert goes all in to comment on the Westside FFL and beyond.

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Quick Editor's Note: Monday Morning Slobbering Yap is our hot new feature. I'm leaving 100% of the creative control to our most distinguished journalist friend, Mike Walbert. So from now on, any time you see the MMSY post, it's coming directly from Walbert's fingers to your eyes. Enjoy, you cretins.

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Fellas, here's my take on Peter King's fantastic Monday Morning QB feature. I won't be blogging about "coffeenerdiness" or Eric Gagne sucking. Nope, it'll be so much more fulfilling, I promise! Here goes. And be gentle.
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5 Things I Think I Thought That Were

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1. I think that Kelly Holcomb gets picked up by Week 4, most likely by Jordan. Holcomb will be starting over Tarvaris Jackson by then.

2. I think that Adam's personal nickname (not his drunk carousel of team names) for the season should be Hindenburg. Or 1906 San Francisco Earthquake. Or Gigli ("Rhymes with 'really' "). I've never seen a disaster quite like his drafting strategy this season and we're not even into Week 1 to see the actual results yet.

3. I think I need Yuengling to be distributed in Arizona. Guys, you just don't know how good you have it.

4. I think that Slimmy painted himself into a corner with the Chad Johnson/Hoosh selection. That fateful pairing is right up there with OJ/Nicole Brown Simpson and Cuba Gooding Jr./Horatio Sanz in terms of projected longterm success.

5. I think that after gaining inspiration from the brooding, yet hunky Justin Bobby on "The Hills," I'd like for all of you, my friends, to call me Dylan.