Week 12 Power Rankings: Endgame

Will Shawn be able to reclaim the #1 seed that rightfully belongs to him? The good people of Iran certainly hope so.

Well, kiddos, this is it. The last power rankings where I'll subjectively categorize you as good, terrible, or some mutant hybrid of both. Because after this week's games, the playoff seeds are set. The results speak for themselves. Next week we'll take a peek back at my original projections, and I'll see how I did at predicting the future. But for this one last glorious week, I bring out my "Pin The Ranking On The Donkey" game and assign you all a number that defines your worth in my eyes.

1. Rich (9-3, W4, Previous #2)
In the closest horse race of the season, Rich has established himself as the best team in the league. Most of this has to do with Tony Romo, who was been lights out all season, and provides consistently solid numbers at QB. Romo has also put Rich in an excellent position to win this week, but that's irrelevant for this discussion.

2. Shawn (9-3, L1, Previous #1)
It would be tragic if Shawn fell to #3 after his late-season stranglehold on the #1 spot. Shawn's best hope this week is that Willie Parker runs roughshod over the Bengals defense, allowing him to get past Rich and stay on top. Randy Moss will likely look to get back in the spotlight after a ho-hum game last week against Philadelphia.

3. Slimmy (8-4, L1, Previous #3)
Say what you will about Slims (and most of us already have done more than our fair share of that), but I give him major props for being smarter than Norv Turner and benching Pip Rivers. Slimmy rides the emotional roller coaster known as Clinton Portis into the playoffs. Will Portis go into Incredible Hulk mode and explode for 500 yards and 10 touchdowns? Or will he be distraught at the loss of one of his closest friends?

4. Hefty (7-5, W1, Previous #4)
There are not enough exclamation points in this world to show how happy I am that Adrian Peterson is playing this week. Even if he shares the load with Chester Taylor, he's way better than Julius Jones (understatement of the decade), and I feel like I actually have a shot to win this thing with him healthy. I also like the fact that if I make it to the Championship, Carson Palmer plays the Browns again.

5. Jordan (7-5, W2, Previous #6)
Peyton hasn't been Peyton this year, but he's still good enough to start every week no questions asked. Jordan is riding two hot hands at running back in Marion Barber and Ryan Grant into the playoffs and frankly, I'd be terrified if I had to play him Round 1 of the playoffs.

6. Aaron (7-5, L2, Previous #5)
I said the same thing a few weeks ago, but this team has too much talent on the bench and not enough star power in the starting lineup. A more aggressive trade strategy seems like it would have paid large dividends for the Lymez Nutz. I see a brief, uneventful one-and-done for A-Rep.

7. Craig (5-7, L1, Previous #7)
I am astonished to learn that Jamal Lewis is 6th among all running backs in scoring. There's no way I could have guessed that. Lucky for Craig, Cleveland has one of the easiest schedules in the league over the next 3 weeks. Next year, somebody remind me to only draft players from teams who finished in last place the year before. By the by, there's a feature in SI about the Browns being winners all of the sudden that I'm really excited to read. It's official, I'm on this Browns bandwagon.

8. Shelby (5-7, L2, Previous #8)
I hope Shelby does make the playoffs, for the sole reason that his QBs are Brett Favre and Marc Bulger and they both might not play next week. Seeing Shelby panic-sign a guy like Kellen Clemens will be awesome.

9. Mike (5-7, W1, Previous #10)
He's got the Derek Anderson thing going for him, which is a major plus. Unfortunately, I think he'll be on the outside looking in after I shellack him this weekend. I do fully endorse my co-columnist in the Consolation Ladder tournament, however.

10. Adam (5-7, W3, Previous #9)
Ouch. Dude rips off a three game win streak and I bump him down a spot. Adam's receivers are still dreck at this point in the season, which hurts his chances of making a deep run. For the most part though, Adam's season hinges on both Adrian Petersons. If one of them plays well, Chester Taylor will be back on the bench, and if the other one can't handle a starting role, then Adam's goose is cooked.

11. Deewaan (4-8, W1, Previous #11)
Actually, I don't hope Shelby makes the playoffs. I hope Deewaan makes the playoffs. May Steve Smith unleash the lightning this week for you, good sir.

12. Melvin (1-11, L9, Previous #12)
I'm glad this is the team that Eli Manning plays for. It makes me imagine the Giants being 1-11 and ballistic New Yorkers throwing hot soup or feces on him as he walks down the street.

Good luck to everyone in the final week!!

Week 12 Chumleys: The Slim-leys!!!

So afraid to attempt a witty caption...

It's crunchtime for the Chumley race. Romo and Moss are your clubhouse leaders at 4 a piece, with only two more weeks of awards. Let's take a peek around the Westside FFL landscape and see who's peaking at the right time.

Game 1: Bisbee def. Death Knell - And the Chumley goes to...
Antonio Gates, TE, SD - I chose Gates over Kolby Smith because Gates straight up killed the Ravens, and Kolby Smith is a flash in the pan. As an LT owner, I become extremely aroused whenever I see the score change in Chargers games. However, all I got this week was a couple lousy Phillip Rivers TD passes, two of which went to Gates. Antonio, who was already the best TE in fantasy, had his best game of the season with 6 catches, 105 yards and 2 TDs.

Game 2: Chicago def. Larry Craig - And the Chumley goes to...
Wes Welker, WR, NE - Welker gets the nod here for erasing an eight point deficit in my matchup against Melvin heading into the Sunday Night Football game. In essence, Welker has become New England's best running back, getting multiple grabs on short passes out of multiple receiver sets, while Laurence Maroney stews on the sidelines wondering why he's even wearing a cup.

Game 3: Jabroc def. Lymez - And the Chumley goes to...
Larry Fitzgerald, WR, Ari - Larry hauled in 9 passes for 156 yards and 2 touchdowns against the 49ers on Sunday. Fitzgerald might be the most reliable receiver of the season to this point. He's posted double digit points in 7 of his last 8 games. Up next for Larry is the Cleveland Browns, and Rich will need the points as he goes up against Shawn for the #1 seed in the playoffs.

Game 4: MikeJax def. Cripplers - And the Chumley goes to...
Vikings, D/ST, Min - I already talked about the Vikings yesterday, so here's a good spot for a mini-rant. Do you know how frustrating it is watching Devin Hester run back kick after kick and not get any points for it?! Riddle me this, assclown, how is a blocked punt a scorable play, and not a punt return touchdown? The same 11 players are on the field for both events, so don't give me this "defense vs. special teams" balogna. The players don't become a special team once the punt is in the air. They're special teams from the second they line up on the field. And in other news, only one of those two events actually changes the score of the real game! Which one?! THE TOUCHDOWN!!! This is unequivocably the dumbest thing I've ever heard of. If Devin Hester only knew...

Game 5: Delaware def. Hawaii - And the Chumley goes to...
Drew Brees, QB, NO - True story...one time in college, me and Deewaan drank like 40 brees and we couldn't feel our faces.

Game 6: N. Korea def. The Patent Office - And the Chumley goes to...
Kellen Winslow II, TE, Cle - OK, I admit it, I've got a soft spot for tight ends. (That's what she said!!!) But it's hard not to reward a tight end with the most illustrious prize in fantasy football when he catches 10 passes for 107 yards and a TD. Several of Jordan's players scored slightly higher than Winslow, but K2 gets the nod. As a sidenote, anybody tired of hearing him referred to as "Kellen Winslow Jr"? Uh, yeah, we get that it's not actually his dad playing. Thanks for clearing that up, Gus Johnson.

As a final note, after listening to Verne Lundquist during the LSU-Arky game and then Gus Johnson during Texans-Browns, I am ready for some college basketball! Good thing the Eagles won't make the playoffs, that will give me more time to watch hoops. Especially my boy OJ Mayo, averaging 22 ppg, and Walbsy's boy, Eric Gordon, averaging 27.3.

Week 12 Round Up: Bajingos and Sasquatches

Sean Taylor, although far from my favorite player, sure did put a lickin' on some Cowboys.

Well, this feature's got one more week of life left in it. When the playoffs start up, I reckon I'll be firing up a brand new recap feature to clue you in on the real happenings of the NFL Fantasy scene. With that in mind, let's break down our second-to-last sets of Bajingos and Sasquatches.

BAJINGOS

1. Arizona D, Tennessee D, Detroit D - The Cardinals and Titans both redefined defensive suckitude this week, as each put up a saucy negative 2 points. The Lions outdid them with negative 3! Very nice. Speaking of Tennessee, my free Titans windbreaker finally arrived as my gift for subscribing to Sports Illustrated. You know how you know I'm gay? I ordered a Titans windbreaker because I like their colors.

2. Lee Evans - Evans was held to 2 catches for 19 yards after looking like he had finally turned the corner this season. Word out of Buffalo is that the Bills will take one more ride on the quarterback carousel, with Trent Edwards starting next week. Nothing like switching QBs every two weeks to help build continuity among an offense.

3. Clinton Portis - Portis had a decent game overall, piling up 101 total yards on 20 carries and 5 catches. However, he also lost two fumbles in a turnoverfest down in Tampa.

4. LenDale White - The USC Thug put up 3.2 points against the NFL's worst defense. Enough said.

5. Pretty Much Everybody Who Played Last Night, But Especially Heath Miller - 0 catches, 0 yards, 0 vicious tackles on Joey Porter after his interception. J-Peezy got off easy, as Big Ben was the one who wrassled him to the mud-drenched turf.

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SASQUATCHES

1. Kurt Warner - Game-ending/suicide-pool-destroying fumble or not, 484 yards is 484 yards. Curious statline for Tim Rattay in this game though, who came in for 1 pass, tossed a touchdown, and got out of dodge. A closer look at his stats shows that this has actually been the case in 3 of the past 5 games.

2. Kolby Smith - Herm Edwards does not baby his running backs. A year after feeding Larry Johnson an NFL record number of carries, the Chiefs, who are quickly running out of fresh bodies to run the ball, gave rookie Kolby Smith the rock 31 times. He responded with 150 yards and 2 touchdowns.

3. Vikings D - Anybody who can make Eli Manning look like he's just pissed himself is a winner in my book. The Vikings set an NFL record by taking three of Manning's throws back the other way for touchdowns.

4. Brett Favre - Watching Packers/Lions helped ease the pain in my bloated gut after a Thanksgiving Day feast. Favre was surgical on Sunday, completing 20 straight passes, despite the fact that the Packers refused to run the ball during that period to take some of the load off Favre. I dislike Favre, but he definitely displayed some big time accuracy and the dude still has a cannon at age 38. Favre finished with 381 yards and 3 TDs.

5. Chad Johnson - Another guy I'm growing to dislike is Chad Johnson. Once upon a time, when I owned him in my keeper league, Chad was my favorite non-Eagle in the league, with his jaw-dropping catches and zany celebrations. Now, he's starting to become the Paris Hilton of the NFL. He doesn't do all that much anymore, and yet, the camera refuses to look away. Well, for once, Chad had a great game, hauling in 12 catches for 103 yards and 3 scores.

Week 12 Photo Finishes: Late Night Munchies Edition

Good to have you back, you mellow weirdo.

Well, the Worldwide Leader got some good news. You see, when you put a 0-10 team on MNF, people tend to watch other programming, like say "Dancing With The Stars" or "Chuck". But when one of the most polarizing NFL figures of all time returns to that 0-10 team, and will apparently start for that 0-10 team? Well, now you've got gripping television, my friend.
In my honest opinion, I don't expect Ricky to make anybody think it's 2002 again. He's got to be out of shape at this point after time away from the game. But I must say it's nice to have a strange dude like Ricky back in the NFL discussion. I'm finding myself missing Mikey Vick already.

But, several of you won't be watching for Ricky. You'll be watching for your fantasy teams, you greedy little piggies. Well, let's see who'll be smoking a victory blunt tonight, and who'll be hitting the bong to ease the pain of defeat.

Game 1: Rich (26.8 point lead) vs. Aaron (Steelers D)
You know the old saying. Any time you have a two-time-Chumley-Award-winning defense playing, you've still got a chance. The Steelers D probably should be able to cover this gap for Aaron. Ricky fumbles for a defensive touchdown, CleoJohn LemonBeck throws a pick-six, the defense gives up three points...this could definitely happen. I'll go out on my longest limb of the season and say Aaron wins by 0.2 points on a defensive gem by Steeltown.

Game 2: Deewaan (22.2 point lead) vs. The Team Without A GM (Heath Miller)
Miller might grab a touchdown, but he shouldn't get anywhere close to 22.2 points. I'll say he puts up a quiet 40-yardish day. Dave hangs on.

Game 3: Adam (Hines Ward, 34 point lead) vs. Shawn (Willie Parker)
Although I think Pittsburgh will work the ground game heavily (especially after halftime), Parker hasn't had a game bigger than 22 points all season. I could see him getting up around 25, but that still won't be enough to overtake Adam. Adam wins and everybody is officially on notice that Tom Brady will be playing fantasy playoff football.

Photo Essay: "Why You Should Never Take The Arizona Cardinals In A Survivor Pool"

Dude...

DUDE!!!

DUUUUUUUUUUUUDE!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Dude.

MMSY: 11/26/07

"Hmmm. Just HOW quick is Wes Welker? Please share, Sir Madden. Also, would you like to tinkle in my pot?"

5 Things I Think I Thought That Were

1. I think that I truly thank the Eagles, not only for really taking it, tooth and nail, to the Patriots, but for also shutting up the broadcast team about this ridiculous "best team ever" garbage. Usually that kind of conversation is reserved until after a team wins a championship. I said it aloud right before Madden and Michaels, but my greatest hope is the Eagles showed the league how to defeat EVIL NEW ENGLAND by mimicking the Eagles' gameplan. I'd say I'd want Pittsburgh to mimic that gameplan, but then I'd have to also eat my own foot.

2. I think Frank TV was pretty amusing, but I can see where the bit gets old after awhile. He already exhausted his Madden, Charles Barkley (which is downright awesome), GW Bush, Clinton and the cast of Seinfeld (his Kramer voice was spot-on). Once Dr. Phil is trotted out, it might be time to cancel Caliendo's show.

3. I think John Madden and Al Michaels helped me discover that:
a. Wes Welker is quick. He's quicker than quick. He's quicky. Honestly, did anyone else pick up on the excessive use of the Q-word last night?
b. Someone can make worse jokes than me. Case in point: Michaels making some corny pun about "touchy... FEELEY" when relaying an anecdote about AJ Feeley. Yuck yuck.

4. I think Kolby Smith = shrewd.

5. I think that I'm dumbfounded by this weekend's message board activity. I admit that I started the fire, but the Santa Anna winds blew in on it and the next thing you know everyone's evacuating the fire-ravaged message board for the weekend. Is it safe to return? What the eff happened? I'm cold.

If I Lose To Melvin, I'm Drinking The Entire Bottle

Bottoms Up!!

Holiday weekends are great. Except when you use the added time off to research fantasy football stats and come to conclusions like "Matt Schaub is a MUCH better play than Carson Palmer this week!!!"

Kill me.

And also kill the little girl in the "Like a Hybrid Hybrid??" commercial. What a ghastly looking troll.

That's Unfortunate, But Give Me 200 On The Pats

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