If I Lose To Melvin, I'm Drinking The Entire Bottle

Bottoms Up!!

Holiday weekends are great. Except when you use the added time off to research fantasy football stats and come to conclusions like "Matt Schaub is a MUCH better play than Carson Palmer this week!!!"

Kill me.

And also kill the little girl in the "Like a Hybrid Hybrid??" commercial. What a ghastly looking troll.

Week 10 Photo Finishes: Torn Ligament Edition

Don't worry about sucking, 49ers. Nobody's watching tonight anyway.

Well it's about time to put the lid back on the NFL and let simmer for 6 more days on medium heat, stirring occasionally. In other words, it's Monday Night. This is possibly the least interesting MNF matchup of the year, and that's not saying much, as they've definitely shown us some snoozers. Lucky for our fantasy landscape, not many of us are dependent on tonight's contest to determine our fates.

Let's take a look at what should be the only fantasy game impacted by tonight's (in)action.

Game 1: Mike (10.2 points) vs. Aaron (Matt Hasselbeck)
Honestly I think this is pretty much a slam dunk for Aaron to win. However, the weather forecast out of Seattle tonight is showing wind gusts of up to 60 MPH, which could make passing just a tad more difficult. While I certainly think the overall passing numbers should be tamed in this one, it's expecting too much for San Fran's defense to hold Matt Hasselbeck to under 100 yards and a score, which without any interceptions, is all it would take for Aaron to win. Aaron will get by, but probably not by much.

Re-reading what I wrote above, I sense a melancholy tone coming from my keyboard. I'm sorry to be Debbie Downer, but I just found out that Adrian Peterson tore a Lateral Collateral Ligament (that can't possibly be right, Lateral Co-Lateral??), which I hear is the least important ligament, but still one of those rubber bands that holds your leg bones together, so it's still somewhat necessary for proper running form.
Alas, I've avoided the injury bug far too long this season and probably had it coming.

Jesus Take The Wheel!!

The equivalent activity to most of my previous wagers.

As has been lightly discussed in this space, I briefly dabbled in a compulsive gambling addiction. While I didn't lose, say, $50 to $60 million, I would bet on a LOT of different things. 6-1 odds on Hillary to become President? Sure, why not! 35-1 on Jeb Bush? Well now you're just handing me a fortune!! Survivor: Borneo's on...I can get 5-2 odds that a chick will win. Hmmm, sounds okay I guess. Derrek Lee to win the homerun crown in 2005 (so close), Ryan Howard in 2006 (got it!). AFC over NFC. Over 130.5 yards for Shaun Alexander. You name it, I probably bet it. Especially NFL.
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I consider myself an enlightened fan, but by no means do I have any inside information that would help me fare any better than your standard post-college douche spouting off fantasy stats at the local watering hole. As such, my gambling career was short lived. Too many parlays, too many teasers, too many bets involving the Eagles. It wasn't fun. I wouldn't lose all the time; I had enough good days to make me think I was always one Sunday away from the payday.

Well, after squaloring my near 300 payout on the Ryan Howard bet, I told myself I was done. What was the point? I had cars to pay off, bills to pay, rum to drink, and oh yeah, the credit card debt.
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Well, I've been clean and sober for about 11 months. Until now. This is what an 8-ball of coke must look like to Lindsay Lohan. This is what a freshly bathed 10 year old must look like to Michael Jackson. This is the most unfathomable NFL line I've seen since I've first started paying attention to such things.
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Patriots (-5.5) vs. Cowboys
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Sweet Jumping Jehosophat, are you kidding me?! You might as well cover that sentence in hot fudge and whipped cream. It's unbelievable. Every last nerve ending in my body is telling me to empty the 401K on the Patriots. They can win by a touchdown and still cover?!?!? The Cowboys, in case you haven't watched Sports Center in the last 36 hours, just played on Monday Night, just squeaked by the Bills, and just turned the ball over 6 times to a team that lost its three best defensive players in the offseason (Takeo, Nate Clements, London Fletcher). And now you're telling me that the Patriots are going to win by less than a touchdown? What are you, nuts?!

Well, I'm hanging on by a thread over here. I've been on my online sportsbook, seconds away from clicking on the big red "DEPOSIT" button. I know I'll end up betting this game, and seeing something like "Patriots 28 Cowboys 23 4th 0:00" flash across the bottom of my TV. I can't do it. Stay strong, son.

Glad I Took The Time To Watch Tonight

Time of Fantasy Death: 11:38 PM.

My Reinforcements Show Up Two Weeks Late

A-Rep drops some A-Bombs in this beautifully sculpted rant!

Editor's Note: I posted my original Rise of the A.P.T.s column when Repucci (my only supporter on the topic) was drinking Mai Tais and playing Hide The Jumbo on his honeymoon. Needless to say, my timing could have been better. However, he agreed with my sentiment, and took the time to chime in on the topic. Oh, and on the topic of why Nittany Apartments is referred to as the A.P.T.s..well, money was tight in college, and we were too poor to pronounce the whole word, so we falsely acronymated it.
Anyway, I'll turn this over to Aaron now. His words are below.

The rise of the A.P.T.S. part deux

Revenge. Yes, revenge! Why? Because Hefty and I have spent years now listening to all of your Westside inside jokes that read like a sorority girls AIM info after a memorable spring break trip with her “girlz”:

OMG…Jackie Prisk…giggle, chortle!
LOL, Michael Brinker! Tee hee!
Craig didn’t do the dishes again! Gasp! Sigh! UGH!

Who the effe is Jackie Prisk? What about her should be funny? Inside jokes suck! I’m so jealous that I’m on the outside! That I’m not cool enough to be in the know. That I live all the way across campus!!!!

Well, I’m sick of it! Now, with Hefty and I tied for first in our respective leagues...and since Hefty is the Blog Master…YOU WILL LISTEN TO EVERY DAMN WORD I HAVE TO SAY!

Hefty…do you remember…

SWISS MISS!!
“Just me in a tee!”
Lobster and ice scraper!!!
Karen Grap!!!!!!!!!!
Mister Lemiwinks!
“It’s my night BOTS!”
Cut da chaptas!!
TINKWEE!!!!!!!

HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Oh the MEMZ!

Week 2 Power Rankings: The Rise of The A.P.T.s

Aaron and Hefty must protect this house!!
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I'll admit, although the URL of this website is 'westsideffl.blogspot.com', there's a little residual resentment on my part. Fact is, I never lived in Westside. Neither did Repucci. While you queers were circle-jerking off campus, Aaron and I were living the good life in Nittany Apts. We didn't pay rent, we had a meal plan, and we had washing machines that ran on Lion Cash. So while the rest of you may be Westside 4 Life, just know that Aaron and I will always be loyal to the A.P.T.s. Now, having said that, Aaron and I just happen to be two of the four remaining unbeaten teams in this league, so I think it's time we got a small bit of the spotlight. We'll start reparations by addressing that stupid league name and go from there.
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So, without any further ado, your Week 2 Nittany Apartment Fantasy Football Power Rankings.
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1. Jon Hefty (2-0, Previously #2) - Put up more points in one week than Rich has all season. Taking Carson Palmer and Steve Smith was a good choice.
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2. Paul Davis (2-0, Previously #1) - You've been bumped. Although deep down, you're the only team I truly fear. If you've got TJ and CJ, then how is Carson Palmer going to scare you? You frighten me, Paul Davis, you frighten me.
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3. Shawn Hussein (2-0, Previously #4) - The Cripplers beating The Junk Jabbers last week was the equivalent of Toddler Murder. Not fair, but I guess that's what you get when Chris Benoit is your team's role model.
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4. Aaron Repucci (2-0, Previously #3) - Has yet to score 100 points in a game, so he has to slip a little bit here. By the way, truly observant readers will note that my 1, 2, 3, and 4 teams from last week are now all 2-0. So maybe I do know what the hell I'm talking about here.
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5. Mike Walbert (1-1, Previously #5) - Santana Moss couldn't put up the 100+ points Mike needed on Monday Night, and Mike slips to 1-1. The Boys of Bisbee have all the pieces of the puzzle except for a reliable second running back. Deuce McAllister is not the answer.
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6. Jordan Yingling (1-1, Previously #6) - Jay Cutler is more capable than I would have expected. Calvin Johnson looks like he could be one of the best steals of draft day if he keeps clicking with Kitna like he has so far this season.
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7. Shelby Fidler (1-1, Previously #11) - Ok, here's a question, and no peeking. Who is currently the #1 ranked running back in our league? If you said Edgerrin James, you'd be correct. You'd also be a filthy cheater because there's no way you said Edgerrin James. Joseph Addai is #4 overall. Quite a stable, you've got there, son.
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8. Craig Fritz (1-1, Previously #9) - If you received a trade offer from Craig for Jamal Lewis this week, I'd love to hear it in the comments section.
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9. Dave Wanner (0-2, Previously #8) - This team has more busts than the Playboy Mansion. Brees, Steven Jackson, Thomas Jones, Reggie Brown are all falling well short of expectations.
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10. Matt Melvin (0-2, Previously #10) - Lost by the narrowest of margins on Monday Night. And you know why? Because black quarterbacks suck.
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11. Rich Ely (0-2, Previously #7) - Seeing this team perform on the field is like seeing the pictures all over the internet of Oscar DeLaHoya in drag. It's funny at first, but then you remember that they could still kick your ass.
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12. Adam Davis (0-2, Eternally #12) - Losing the pick'em this week is the least of your concerns. Back of the bus, Rosa.

Devin Hester, You Are Irrelevant!!!

This touchdown? Never happened.

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"The Bears have won the toss and elect to receive. Kaeding sends it away and it's a good one. Fielded by Devin Hester at the 3. Up to the 15, he spins out of an arm tackle! He's at the 25. A nice block springs him and he cuts it up the right sideline. To the 35! Hard juke and there's only the kicker to beat!! Hester to midfield!!! Stiff arm to Kaeding, Hester still on his feet!! To the 35...25...15...10...5...touchdown!! Devin Hester, you are ridiculous!!!!"

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Except for some retarted reason, in our fantasy league, you're not. You're irrelevant. The only way you're scoring any points for the Bears this season is if you line up as a wide reciever. Despite your reputation as the most explosive, game changing, ankle breaking, return man in the game today, you will have ZERO fantasy points to show for it. You're as useless as Tim Couch.

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Does that sound right??? We're not rewarding the explosive plays on special teams this year? Kick returns and punt returns mean nothing; for the Defensive/SPECIAL TEAMS unit, or for the individual who ran the touchdown back? In 2006, there were 9 kick return touchdowns. There were 15 punt return touchdowns. These aren't exactly fluke plays. They're fairly common. At my other league's draft last weekend, the guy who had LT said his second best player last year was the Bears defense. Why? In part, because Devin Hester found the end zone 5 freaking times.

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Am I whining because I drafted the Bears under the assumption that I'd be getting oodles of points on the heels of the first player ever to grab a 100 speed rating in Madden? Kind of. Were the rules available on the website at the time of the draft, so I could have properly reviewed the scoring system? Indeed they were. Am I bitching mainly because I wasted a seventh round pick at a time when I could have been looking for warm bodies to play wide receiver instead of the defrosted corpses I have on my roster now? Yeah, I guess.

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But honestly, I'm not even sure how this rule makes sense. This is like learning that we're not counting field goals this year. A field goal puts three points on the board for a team. It's a SCORING play. You should score it in fantasy, shouldn't you? So when a special teams unit does something that changes the SCORE of the NFL game they're involved in, how do we not see fit to award credit to that fantasy unit? Maybe I'm alone on this, but I don't see how you can decide to award points for rushing attempts, and then say you don't give out any points for a touchdown. That's completely backwards.

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Now, anybody want to trade for Ted Ginn? He's suddenly become available.