Division Preview 1 of 4: Asshats

I love this year's four division wrinkle. I think it's going to make some new rivalries, and a lot of exciting match-ups down the stretch. In lieu of my normal 1-12 post-draft Power Rankings, I'm going to preview each division and make my prediction for who takes the automatic playoff bid this season. Up first are the Asshats.

You better be taking this serious, jerkoff, you're Mike's #1 WR.

MIKE: Although he was the second (ed: third, thanks Craigger) QB taken, Aaron Rodgers is the safest pick among quarterbacks, and is the kind of player who can singlehandedly win weeks. That's going to have to be the case here because I can't see the wide receivers helping the cause too much. Steve Johnson was a guy I was targeting late as a WR3. I love the occasional multi-touchdown games, the Joker persona he's adopted, and the Twitter tirades. But there's no chance he's a WR1 in any fantasy league. Somebody made an awesome joke at the live draft yesterday: "I'm always excited when I play a team with Santana Moss in the starting lineup." That awesome jokester, dear readers, WAS ME. Having Gates is like having an extra WR, but in this case, there's too much to overcome here. Mike's running back situation (Turner, SJax) can be devastating at times, and can be sitting in the ice bath nursing injuries at times. I don't think this team has the horses to take the division, but a playoff spot is a strong possibility if Steven Jackson stays healthy.

Eyerape. The world's most gentle, consensual kind of rape.

AARON: Big Ben was a sneaky good value for where he went in the draft. He could easily finish with Rivers-Brees type points and I wouldn't be surprised one bit. FOUR Pittsburgh receivers got drafted yesterday, which either means Roethlisberger's going to be throwing a ton or we're all terrible at picking players. I'd drown a pit bull to have Aaron's running back tandem, Forte going one spot before my third round pick made me audibly curse at the dinner table. I think the best way to describe Aaron's wide receiving crew is not overly talented but deep. There's a lot of good WR3 options behind VJax (second Jax nickname this post!!), and Dallas Clark will be a catch machine either as Peyton's favorite target, or Kerry Collins' security blanket. I like this team over Mike's, I'll say that much for now.

Ladies and Gentlemen: The first ever scratch-and-sniff picture on The Heftington Post. Gently scratch Mr. Benson's face on your monitor to unleash the lovely scent of bong water.

SHELBY: Brady was a reach. Guess what, he's still Tom Brady. Big deal. Peyton Hillis was almost definitely a reach. But he finished second in RB points last year while playing for the awful Browns. It's the Cedric Benson pick here that worries me the most. If the Bengals average 10 points per game this season I'd be surprised. That's gotta be one of the worst offenses ever to set foot in an NFL stadium. They're young where you want experience (QB, top WR), and old where you want youth (RB). My foolproof strategy this year was to not pick any Bengals. I was trying to tack Cedric Benson onto every trade proposal I made last year and you would have thought I was asking people if they wanted to snort a line of anthrax. I feel like I could blog for the next two or three hours and still not have done a good enough job conveying how much I dislike Cedric Benson for fantasy purposes this year. If I must move on, I don't particularly love the WRs here, but they're probably the tallest midget in this division. Wait a minute, is that AJ Green? Another Bengal? GAH SHELBY'S GOT THE PLAGUE!!

YOUR 2011 ASSHAT DIVISION CHAMPION: Aaron. I'm feeling pretty confident on that one.

A-Rep's Week 5 Crystal Ball

Aaron looks into the future with the help of Saruman The White.

Editor's Note: It appears that the Games of The Week feature is back! Aaron will be tackling this weekend's top matchups to see who's got a leg up. Enjoy.

GAMES TO WATCH!!!!

Runner up…Hawaii McLovin at MichaelPJackson
Why this game do you ask? Well, I looked at this and thought…OH…INTENSE BROTHER RIVALRY…
And then I thought some more about how their pregame conversations might sound…
“oh brother! Let me tell you again how funny your team name is!!!”
“oh brother! You’re too kind! ‘tis your team name that is funniest of all the names in the land!!”
“you’re the best! I can’t stand the thought of beating you this week! :-(”
“GUESS WHAT!!!! I was thinking the same thing! OMG! We think so much alike!!!! I can’t stand the thought of beating you!!!””
“Giggle! Let’s bench our entire teams so that we tie!!”
“you are as smart as you are cute brother. I agree! TIE WE WILL!”

This brings me to my pick for GAME of the WEEK…
Kinda of obvious but…KIM JONG AT GRYLLS
This game is a pivotal game for control of division supremacy and the all important race to clinch a coveted playoff spot. Let’s delve slightly…
Let’s face it…there is a nasty dog fight goin’ on in the evil kingdom of the decepticons. Hefty needs this win to stay atop of the pack. Especially for reign of the A.P.T.S.!!! And it’s pretty much a given that I am gonna beat craig this week. Jordan needs this win. If me and hefty come out this week with W’s…the APTS gain immunity from being kicked off the island and also get a free pass to tell more inside jokes through the blog.

Important Side note:
Pay close attention to the Junk Jabber at Fritzs game. Besides the fact that Larry Craig’s under the stall foot rubbing might get him lucky against the jabber boyz, the fritzs also have a tough 1-3 record due to some tough matchups. I think we all have the feeling that the Quad D’s and the Holiday teddy bears don’t have a shot at the playoffs…but if the fritz’s fall to 1-4, it’ll be an awfully tough climb back into the playoff race.

My Reinforcements Show Up Two Weeks Late

A-Rep drops some A-Bombs in this beautifully sculpted rant!

Editor's Note: I posted my original Rise of the A.P.T.s column when Repucci (my only supporter on the topic) was drinking Mai Tais and playing Hide The Jumbo on his honeymoon. Needless to say, my timing could have been better. However, he agreed with my sentiment, and took the time to chime in on the topic. Oh, and on the topic of why Nittany Apartments is referred to as the A.P.T.s..well, money was tight in college, and we were too poor to pronounce the whole word, so we falsely acronymated it.
Anyway, I'll turn this over to Aaron now. His words are below.

The rise of the A.P.T.S. part deux

Revenge. Yes, revenge! Why? Because Hefty and I have spent years now listening to all of your Westside inside jokes that read like a sorority girls AIM info after a memorable spring break trip with her “girlz”:

OMG…Jackie Prisk…giggle, chortle!
LOL, Michael Brinker! Tee hee!
Craig didn’t do the dishes again! Gasp! Sigh! UGH!

Who the effe is Jackie Prisk? What about her should be funny? Inside jokes suck! I’m so jealous that I’m on the outside! That I’m not cool enough to be in the know. That I live all the way across campus!!!!

Well, I’m sick of it! Now, with Hefty and I tied for first in our respective leagues...and since Hefty is the Blog Master…YOU WILL LISTEN TO EVERY DAMN WORD I HAVE TO SAY!

Hefty…do you remember…

SWISS MISS!!
“Just me in a tee!”
Lobster and ice scraper!!!
Karen Grap!!!!!!!!!!
Mister Lemiwinks!
“It’s my night BOTS!”
Cut da chaptas!!
TINKWEE!!!!!!!

HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Oh the MEMZ!

THE BIGGEST GAME OF OUR LIVES…..nay….OF THE ENTIRE WORLD!!!! (WEEK 1 EDITION)

It's Week 1: Time to seperate the lions from the wildebeests.

.Editor's Note: This will be a regular featurette here on Fisting Jerry Dunn. Aaron Repucci, previously of such fine columns as The Steelers Preview (parts 1 and 2), will check in weekly to offer his take on the most tantalizing games of the week. I now turn this space over to him. Enjoy.

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Welcome Westside FFLeaguers, to the first post of my weekly guest featurette in which I will take a look at what I think is the most crucial/interesting/pivotal/saucy game of the week in deciding the fate of the Westside.

.Week 1!!!!!!!!!

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. Runner up: BecaHigh DanKendra’s????? vs. the Canadian Cripplers

This game has little to do with Hussein at this point and much to do about Davis. Adam received so much crap for his entire draft and is currently sitting in the twelfth spot of Hefty’s infamous power rankings. This is a chance for him to prove his team worthy! Can he ride the laser rocket arm of P-diddy? Currently, the much maligned DanKendra’s have been given the edge over the cripplers in ESPN’s breakdown. Could the DanKendra’s (what the heck is a DanKendra anyways??? Sounds like Steely McBeam could have found a Poodle Beach buddy) move up in the power rankings and out of Jerry Dunn’s anal canal??????

My prediction: Davis will in fact ride P-diddy’s arm to victory in this one…DAVIS WINS!!!!
*side note of this game: much debate has come of Randy Moss’s ’07 potential production. Is the illustrious, expert analyst Virginia Slims Davis right???

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GAME OF THE WEEK!!!!: The JABROC JUNK JABBERS vs. the lymez DIZ-EEZ NUTZ!!!

Connecticut is too small for two Westside FFL powerhouses! Plus, the Asian hero from Heroes took the number one spot in the power rankings right out of the gate making him the sassy, hot team to beat. Can his young, promising team live up to their expectations??? The diz-eez nutz will certainly make the jabbers think twice before they jab. Just look at the head to head in our league’s week 1 break down…it’s a close one!!!

So…my prediction??? The Diz-eez nutz win by a Deewaan pube…yeah yeah yeah…I know what you’re thinking…of course you’re gonna pick your team. But let’s look a little closer. I think that the WR, RB, TE, K matchups couldn’t be closer. The Steelers have a slight edge playing against the Browns compared to the Skins against the Dolls. BUT! Where the ESPN breakdown has it wrong, I think, is at the QB position. I think veteran QB Matty Hass will fare much better against a weak Bucz crew at home than young Homo will against a big division rival (night game nonetheless). NO PRESSURE, Homie Romie Rue!!!
*game side note: Rich and A-Rep’s manhood is on the line as they will be spending much of the NFL weekend together watching the game…with their respective belle’s!!!! Who will be the stud and who will be the dud????!!!

LET’S WATCH!!!

Remember…you heard it here first!!!

Break It Down: The 2007 Pittsburgh Steelers - Chapter 2

After years of controversy and speculation, the long-rumored Gay Muppet finally makes an appearance.

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Editor's Note: In the final pre-draft edition of this blog, we are once again joined by Aaron Repucci who takes us on a week-by-week gondola ride through the upcoming Pittsburgh Steelers season. Take it away, sir.

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STEELER Season Breakdown:

Week 1: @ Cleveland
Please GOD let Brady Quinn start!!! Steelers beat the befuddled browns in an ugly, low scoring affair.
W: 17-6

Week 2: BUFFALO
Losman can’t handle the rowdy home opener crowd. Polamalu sask Losman once hard and helps contain Evans. Steeler’s offense looks a little better.
W: 23-13

Week 3: SAN FRAN
Gore held under 100 yards. Steelers hold up at home.
W: 24-17

Week 4: @ Arizona
Leinart is confused and terrorized by LeBeau’s 3-4 zone blitzing schemes (and from his memories of when we ate at the same Italian restaurant outside of USC). Parker rounds wild….over 150 yards.
W: 31-13

Week 5: SEATTLE
Big game at home. Fans are juiced up on iron city. Alexander is stuffed for under 100 yards. Steelers win in a close one.
W: 21-20

Week 6: BYE
Steelers win one billion to nothing.
Let’s press pause for a moment. I know what you’re thinking…5-0??? I know, I know. Steelers usually open seasons very poorly. But with this opening schedule 5-0 is very doable. I think Tomlin will have his team fired up coming out of the gate.
*Note: These five wins will help earn Tomlin favor and trust in the steel city.

Week 7: @ Denver
Steelers get complacent and rest on their laurels (what is a laurel anyway?). Cutler plays well. Bettis’ asthma acts up again. Steelers turn the ball over in an ugly game…
L: 10 - 24

Week 8: @ Cincy
The black n’ Gold rebound well off of their first loss and stun divisional rivals in their house.
W: 30 – 28

Week 9: BALTIMORE
MacGahee finds tough sledding in the burgh, but Benjamin struggles under the pressure of this big home game. Steelers plagued with turnovers.
L: 13 - 16

Week 10: CLEVELAND
Win….it’s Cleveland.
W: one billion - 0

Week 11: @ ny jets
I just can’t see the jets beating the Steelers.
W: 20 - 17

Week 12: MIAMI (Monday night)
Steelers are good at home on Monday night. Ronnie brown gains like 30 yards. Dan Marino cheers for the Steelers.
W: 27 - 13

Week 13: CINCY
Steelers always struggle with Cincy at home. Cincy gets revenge for the beating at home earlier in the season
L: 30 - 17

Week 14: @ New England
Steelers win! Why? Because upsets happen. Steelers have the tools to win big games. And because Tom brady is a tool. The Pats lose 4 games this year…one loss comes from the Steelers…in their house!
W: 27-24

Week 15: JACKSONVILLE
Steelers ALWAYS struggle against the Jags. Steelers lose coming off of the big win against the patties.
L: 17-16

Week 16: @ St. Louis (Thursday)
NFC sucks. Steelers 3-4 contains Jackson. Big Ben looking really sharp at this point in the season.
W: 27-24

Week 17: @ Baltimore
This is the battle for AFC North title. Both teams come in with 11-4 records. Steelers struggle under the pressure of the title game and can’t handle Baltimore D in Baltimore’s house. Low scoring, defensive struggle, but the baltimore birdies come out on top and take the division.
L: 20-16

SEASON: 11-5
Steelers grab a wild card spot!!

Break It Down: The 2007 Pittsburgh Steelers - Chapter 1

BLACK COWHER!!!!! BLACK COWHER!!!!!

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Editor's Note: Today we have a special guest author, Aaron Repucci, who will walk us through the storylines behind the 2007 Steelers. This is part 1 of a 2 part series.

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STEELERS ’07: 99 Problems but Champion Beer Pong Representatives Aren’t 1

Steelers come in to the 2007 season with so many ????’s. Sure, no one has crashed an auto bike, but the replacement of the steel city’s beloved kordell kissing coach, Bill Cowher, is enough to have everyone’s panties in collective bunches. Not to mention the fact that the iron makers are coming off of a mistake filled, disappointing 8-8 season. Plus…who’s that big headed guy with overall’s running around in the stands creeping everyone out??? That creeper mascot is gonna be the sole cause of at least 6 roethlisberger INT’s.

But anyways…let’s get down to business…

Q1. TOMLIN, TOMLIN, TOMLIN…oh yeah…and ARIANS?????

Umm….mom…where’s bill cowher?? What is that really tan fellow doing with a headset on??? Mom??!!! Over 15 memorable seasons, steeler fans grew to trust cowher with their hearts, lives, children, prescription drugs and football team….and then he breaks our hearts and leaves…

Enter stage right, mike tomlin, walking on his own two legs all fat and cocky. With zero years as a head coach, no one is really sure how Tomlin will hold up. Early reports out of camp look good. ESPN reported that Tomlin is holding one of the most physical camps in the NFL and making a point to let players know that this is HIS team now….that he is the alpha male. Mental warfare tactics include Tomlin dressing in all black outfits…long sleeved, long panted…so that no player can complain that it’s “too hot.” That’s what I like to hear, especially if the steelers want to maintain their rep as a hard nose, smash mouth fball team.

While this seems all well and good, what worries me more is the implementation of a new offense and sort of a new defense. Arians (scary right off the bat cuz his name sounds like he want to make a perfect human) intends to stretch the offense out and open things up a bit. GULP. This is scary…(more on this in Q2). But let’s just say that the offense has looked way less than stellar in the preseason.

Reports out of camp are that LeBeau’s frickin’ awesome zone blitzing schemes are being “blended” with Tomlin’s “Tampa 2” style of defense (don’t forget he was a defensive coordinator before this). While these two defensive master minds could create an amazing mutant beast of an attacking, killer defensive…they also might create something that’s just flat out too complicated or confusing. I hope it’s the mutant beast. But it sure would be funny to see larry foote and marvin Harrison running around in circles with their hands in the air while the stereotypical circus clown music plays in the background…yeah…go ahead…picture that one in your head.

Q2. BIG BEN? Or ACCIDENT BEN?

Big Ben went from a few mistake QB to a mistakeful QB in one season. Let’s look at the stats…’05 Season – 9 INT’s…..’06 Season - TWENTY THREE frickin’ INT’s. While I do think that B Roth will improve upon his ’06 #’s regardless of the offensive scheme, I think he fit perfectly in the to steelers ’05 scheme which relied heavily on the run and just needed him to convert 3rd and longs (which he did very well) and to NOT TURNOVER the ball. An Arian run offense looking to stretch out the offense and put more emphasis on the passing game might not be the best fit for Mr. Benjamin?????

Q3. STEELY MCBEAM??? McWTF???

I got nothin…Steeler’s head office just made the Steelers into the laughing stock of the nation…I have no defense for these shenanigans. It is just outright awful. Will STEELY destroy the team? Maybe…just maybe…

Q4. PARKER’s GROIN?

While I like Barlow and Najeh (g@yest name ever…say it slow and with a deep voice…you’ll see) as back ups, Steelers success is largely dependent on Willie Parker. I think he has the goods to deliver. But the question is…can he keep his goods healthy?

Q5. PORTER GONE? EMOTIONAL LEADER? MATT FOOLEY (rip)??

Porter lost some of his edge last year. So while I don’t think the Steelers will miss his play too much, I think they will miss his emotional leadership. Who will step up and be the heart of the D??

Q6. DOES MANIMAL HAVE A WOLVERINE-ESQUE HEALING FACTOR?

Polamalu wasn’t the same last year. This man beast with a terrifying black mane straight from the depths of hades was feared in the ’05 season. But a concussed head and knee ligamental problems took the bite out of this tiger in ’06. His return to altered beast status will be directly linked to the success of Pittsburgh’s D in 2007.
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Q99. DOES BAYLOR PUNTER SEPULVEDA LIKE PUPPIES???

This one speaks for itself and will be pivotal for a successful steeler season.



SEASON BREAKDOWN COMING SOON……..

Mock Lobster: Aaron Repucci (Pick #5)

My fiancee shows how she got the nickname "Black Cock Moan".

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Mock Draft Pick #5: Aaron Repucci selects Willie Parker, RB, Pit

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2006 Rushing Stats: 337 carries, 1494 yards, 13 touchdowns

2006 Receiving Stats: 31 catches, 222 yards, 3 touchdowns

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This is the easiest projection for me so far. There's absolutely no way that Aaron uses the #5 pick on anybody other than Fast Willie. Aaron would likely start a roster of all Steelers if it were feasible, but this will suit him just fine. Willie flourished in his first season without Jerome Bettis, averaging 107 yards and 1 touchdown per game. With a healthier Ben Roethlisberger this year, the Steelers offense should have an extra spark that was missing last year, leading to even more scoring chances for Willie. If there's any reason to worry about Parker, it's the fact that the Steelers play Baltimore twice every year. Willie has never scored against the Ravens, and in two games last year, he was only able to rack up 51 total rushing yards. Parker will also have to adjust to a new scheme, with new head coach Mike Tomlin taking over. Some expect that Tomlin will open up the passing attack more than Bill Cowher ever did, but an offense that moves the ball well will still create plenty of scoring chances for Willie.

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Now get the hell off my future wife, you asshole.

Get To Know Your Leaguemates: Aaron

In actuality, most people felt Aaron was overdressed at his wedding.

Aaron's Fast Facts:

1. If college is any indication, he'll probably just copy off of Rich's cheat sheet instead of doing his own research.

2. Will only select black players if they have a really black first name.

3. Despite the fact that the draft is not live, and we won't even be in the same state, Aaron will repeatedly ask me if he can have some of my snack food.

4. Aaron was voted "Most Likely to Draft A Lord Of The Rings Character" by a group of his peers.

5. BONUS** Recent tabloid reports are linking Bono to Penelope Cruz. Upon hearing the news, Aaron had two simultaneous heart attacks.