Handing Out Some Hardware - Premier of the Tony Awards

"Hey Jessica, I think I'm part of pop culture thanks to you." - Tony
"Pop like soda or pop like popcorn?" - Jessica
"Nevermind, let's go bone on the beaches of Mexico." - Tony
"YAY for penises!!" - Jessica

Here we are, creeping up on week 2 and there's still so much left to do for week 1. A Little Slap and Pickle presents the first weekly installment of the 2008 awards that celebrate one player from each winning team that helped to seal the deal for their respective owner. Without further ado, the 2008 Tony Awards!!

Melvin def. Dave - The Tony goes to Reggie Bush. Melvin's day could have ended catastrophically, well, it actually did. But he still managed to pull out the win thanks to a monster day from Mr. Bush. Reggie totaled 28 points and mixed it up with receiving and rushing yards and caught a nifty screen pass for a 42 yard touchdown in there as well. With model-pumping QB out for the year, Melvin will lean heavily on Bush for the rest of the season.

Hefty def. Mike - The Tony goes to Michael Turner. I know, I know, he was already listed as a Magnum in our earlier column. But how can you possibly disregard 40.5 points from a running back?! With a regular week from Turner, Hefty would have lost by 15 and probably would be looking for some bullwinkle and a ZJ from some back-street boy in Doylestown. Man, it's a good thing Turner had the game he did!

Craig def. Aaron - The Tony goes to Marion Barber III. Dude ripped 23.5 points and only played 2.5 quarters. Injuries aside, that's production his general manager can certainly live with. Jericho Cotchery gets strong consideration for his fist rendezvous with Brett Favre, but I have a feeling Ol' Jericho will put his name on the Tony list before the season is through.

Shelby def. Jonesy - The Tony goes to Frank Gore. Shelby's highest scorer of the day came through huge in the 2nd round of Sunday games. He may not be able to put up similar numbers in lowly San Fran all season long, but he's at least made one skidmark on the underpants of week 1.

Adam def. Jordan - The Tony goes to DonoVan McNabb. Yes, another repeat from our Magnums section. The problem here is that the rest of Adam's team was so mediocre, I couldn't pick any of them in good conscience. If McNabb was able to put up these number with D squad receivers, imagine what he'll do when his top two boys are actually healthy. A stiff, hard, pulsating test awaits next Monday night as the Birds visit Big D.

Rich def. Shawn - The Tony goes to John Kitna. Even though his team got smoked, Kitna played a pretty solid game for the Lions who were purported to be using a run focused offensive attack in 2008. That's a hard plan to follow when you go down 21-0 in the first quarter. Surprisingly, Kitna was able to avoid turnovers and thus made up for the frightful day of Rich's TE, Todd Heap, who scored -1.5 in a total let down. JAP SLAP!!

Magnums and Extra Slims: Week 1

Hey! That's not the Magnum I expected to see!!

In a take from Hefty's previously, wildly successful column, Bajingos and Sasquatches, I bring you Magnums and Extra Slims (it's a working title). We'll explore who scored stud-like points and who really shat the bed during week 1.

Extra Slims

1. Marques Colston - Right here is the #25 overall pick in our league this year. He went high in every draft I've seen. Drew Brees threw for 343 and his best receiver only got 26 yards on 3 catches? WTF is that about? The Saints are sure to spread the ball around all season, which means it'll be feast or famine every week for Mr. Colston.

2. Aaron's Runningbacks - CLINTON! and JAMAL! combined for 15.5 points. The Browns had to abandon the running game after they got bitch-slapped by Romo and the Cowboys. The Redskins o-line couldn't create holes in a wet paper bag against the Giants. Neither found the end zone in an abysmal first week for the backfield of Old Burrito Rice. Things will turn around, but perhaps not as soon as Aaron would like. Lewis faces the Steelers in prime-time next week.

3. Carson Palmer - Wow. That's pretty much all I can say. His team is atrocious and Palmer doesn't look like he's strong enough to carry them on his back. The Bungles faced a team with less offensive potential than any I've ever seen and still couldn't put this one away. Heck, their terrible defense has more touchdowns than the offense! Carson finished the day with 99 yards on 10 completions and an interception. The only hope for Palmer to return to pro-bowl form is for him to get traded to a team that doesn't have the locker room discord currently found in Cincinnati.

4. Jacksonville Runningbacks - Fred Taylor and MoJo Drew were expected to provide fantasy owners with weeks of solid scoring. Not so against a solid, but unspectacular Titans defense. On the whole, the duo combined for only 77 total yards of offense. Word out of Florida is two starting o-linemen might be out for the year as well. Tread lightly if you own either Jag RB.

5. Kevin Boss - ZERO POINTS. That is all.

Magnums

1. Michael Turner - I don't think anyone saw this one coming. Sure the Falcons like to run the ball, but Turner's effort on Sunday was amazing. He totted the rock for 220 yards and a touchdown, all on just 22 carries (11yds/carry if anyone's counting). Granted, he played against a defense that looked like it was playing hide-and-go-fuck-yourself, but nonetheless, 40.5 points is 40.5 points.

2. Willie Parker - Fast Willie totaled 2 touchdowns in 2007, much to the chagrin of Mr. Walbert. He'd eclipsed that total with 9 minutes remaining in the 3rd quarter of his first game of the season in 2008. Right now, he looks like a steal for Jonesy as it's obvious the Steelers are still committed to the run and their o-line is playing with a chip on its collective shoulder after hearing negative press all off-season. Parker got most of the 3rd and 4th quarters off and was still able to amass 32 points.

3. Donovan McNabb - Amazingly enough, Davis didn't take Tom Brady with his first pick, and it seems to have already paid dividends. McNabb sliced and diced the Rams with a depleted receiver corp to the tune of 361 yards and 3 TDs.

4. Hines Ward - The forgotten man in Pittsburgh was claimed to be too old and too slow to keep up with his younger running mate, Santonio Holmes. Well folks, if you didn't already know Ward still has high-level fantasy value. His quarterback doesn't make many mistakes and puts the ball on the money when it counts. Ward walks away from week 1 with two TDs on just 6 total receptions and 76 yards.

5. Bears Defense - They set the tone early and often in their game against the Colts in week 1. Not only did they get after Peyton Manning with 2 sacks, but they caused a fumble that was returned for a touchdown and recorded a safety against what is supposed to be one of the best offensive teams in the entire NFL. Their 24 points tied with the Cardinals (Shelby, take note) for #2 amongst defenses. They also sealed the victory for Melvin and his trauma unit.

A Gaze Into the Future - Week 1 Predictions

How many times will Shawn yell "I-Talian Grill" during NFL action this week? Only the Commish knows...

Game 1: Stinkpalmers @ Poopyheads

QB - Anderson vs. Brady - Advantage: Poopyheads
RB - Addai/McGahee vs. Bush/James - Advantage: Stinkpalmers
WR - Burress/S. Moss/Berrian vs. Fitzgerald/Bowe/R. Brown - Advantage: Stinkpalmers
TE - Gates vs. V. Davis - Advantage: Stinkpalmers
D - Patriots vs. Bears - Advantage: Stinkpalmers

This match-up is going to come down to QB and WR play. Brady is in store for a huge day against a terrible Chiefs team, but will it be enough to carry a generally mediocre squad? None of the running backs here impress me and their match-ups aren't favorable. Look for the Poopyheads to play Drew Bennett in place of Reggie Brown, who's nursing a tender hammy.

Winner: Stinkpalmers

Game 2: Dump tanks @ Sharts

QB - McNabb vs. E. Manning - Advantage: Dump tanks
RB - Tomlinson/Jones-Drew vs. Peterson/Maroney - Advantage: Dump tanks
WR - Colston/Galloway/Chambers vs. Housh/Calvin Johnson/Coles - Advantage: Push
TE - Winslow vs. Cooley - Advantage: Push
D - Vikings vs. Colts - Advantage: Sharts

McNabb should have a big day against a suspect Rams defense. The running backs should all do well, but I always like LT and MJD is going up against the Titans. Both Peterson and Maroney COULD hit paydirt, but it's no sure thing. The WRs in this match-up are nothing to get excited about. The only really favorable match-up might be Coles against the Dolphins. I like Winslow more than Cooley, but he's facing a pretty good defense. I pick the Colts over the Vikes because they get to run at the bearded wonder, Kyle Orton, all night in front of a primetime audience.

Winner: Dump tanks in a squeaker.

Game 3: Hot Dogs @ Mayo

QB - P. Manning vs. Palmer - Advantage: Mayo
RB - Gore/R. Williams vs. Parker/F. Taylor - Advantage: Hot Dogs
WR - Holmes/Roy Williams/Gonzalez vs. Owens/Welker/Evans - Advantage: Mayo
TE - Boss vs. H. Miller - Advantage: Mayo
D - Steelers vs. Chargers - Advantage: Mayo

Manning is just coming back from injury and I expect him to struggle. On the other hand, Palmer is throwing to a WR with one arm, another with one leg and a no-name. This might be the grossest match-up of running backs in the history of fantasy football. Neither team can boast two bonafide NFL starters. I believe the wide outs will decide this game and Jonesy's are decidedly better. Kevin Boss? Really?

Winner: Jerod's Mayo

Game 4: Skidmark @ Terrible Bowels

QB - Brees vs. Romo - Advantage: Skidmark
RB - T. Jones/Graham vs. Westbrook/Turner - Advantage: Terrible Bowels
WR - R. Moss/Edwards/Driver vs. A. Johnson/Mason/Gaffney - Advantage: Skidmark
TE - Scheffler vs. Witten - Advantage: Terrible Bowels
D - Titans vs. Eagles - Advantage: Terrible Bowels

Expect both QBs to have a big day. I gave the edge to Brees here because all of his targets are healthy and he's playing at home. Bombs over Cleveland and New Orleans. I predict that the Terrible Bowels strengths and favorable match-ups at RB and TE will make up for a putrid WR group. Neither the Titans nor the Eagles are a very sexy defensive pick this week, but the Birds are facing the Rams who just put in a new offensive system.

Winner: Terrible Bowels

Game 5: Butt Pills @ Shithouse

QB - Kitna vs. Hasselbeck - Advantage: Butt Pills
RB - Jackson/Jacobs vs. Lynch/L. Johnson - Advantage: Push
WR - Wayne/Holt/Ward vs. Chad Johnson/White/Hackett - Advantage: Butt Pills
TE - Heap vs. Shockey - Advantage: Shithouse
D - Giants vs. Packers - Advantage: Shithouse

None of the running backs here have very favorable match-ups. Shithouse is keeping watch as several WRs might end up in the infirmary before the end zone. I look for a big day from Kitna against the Falcons. Ward finds the end zone and provides a boost from the #3 receiving spot.

Winner: Butt Pills

Game 6: Burrito rice @ Colon Blow

QB - Roethlisberger vs. Bulger - Advantage: Burrito rice
RB - Portis/Lewis vs. Barber/K. Smith - Advantage: Colon Blow
WR - Boldin/Harrison/Stallworth vs. Jennings/Cotchery/Burleson - Advantage: Colon Blow
TE - Dallas Clark vs. T. Gonzalez - Advantage: Push
D - Seahawks vs. Jaguars - Advantage: Push

I predict that this will be the most evenly matched game of week 1. Roethlisberger looks like a good match-up on paper against the Texans, but how will the O-line fair? Barber is set to explode out of the gates and the only thing that can slow him down is teammate, Felix Jones. Harrison and Stallworth have face tough defenses, while Jennings, Cotchery and Burleson face three of the worst Ds in the league. Both the Seahawks and the Jags should have their way with unstable offenses.

Winner: Colon Blow - Note: I'm trying to be as objective as possible here.

Mighty Morphin Power Rankings: Week 1

The Davis brothers find themselves on opposite ends of the rainbow this week.

POWER RANKINGS: Week 1

1. Paul Davis (1-0, Previous #7) - "Why, that's a large jump," you're thinking. And you're right. Is it totally deserved? Yes and no. He put up a league high 128.5 points even after LJ had a crummy game. But time will tell us that this is not the league's best team. So let's make him a number 1 for now, and it will be even funnier when he ends the season at #11.

2. Jon Hefty (1-0, Previous #2) - Scored 112.7 points with my top two picks playing games against the Ravens and the Bears. Digest that. Dangerous squad, and my sudden depth at running back is giving me goosebumps. I could really stand a new wide receiver though. Jerry Porter and Braylon Edwards are the NFL's version of Method Man and Redman. Lazy assholes.

3. Aaron Repucci (1-0, Previous #5) - Beat the #1 team in the league in the Battle of Connecticut so I had to bump him a few spots here. Aaron scored the fewest points out of all the winners, but Gore and Mo-Jo Drew will eventually bust out for him.

4. Shawn Hussein (1-0, Previous #4) - Beat the #12 team in the league, so there's no real reason to boost him up here. If Randy Moss can have a few more games like Sunday, Shawn will be moving up to the top of the rankings. I have serious concerns about Matt Leinart's ability to be a starting fantasy QB after Monday's 11 point dud against the Niners.

5. Mike Walbert (1-0, Previous #6) - Mike toppled arch rival Craig in a key divisional matchup. His running backs played awful in week 1. Parker should shake it off and be fine, but as for McAllister? I'm not sure how much of the load Sean Payton plans on giving him. Could be a major bust.

6. Jordan Yingling (1-0, Previous #11) - Here's what we know about the last 1-0 team: Shaun Alexander looked good again, Reggie Wayne looked unstoppably great, and Cedric Benson is a two-dollar whore who has no business starting for a Super Bowl caliber NFL team. Congrats on beating Shelby though.

7. Rich Ely (0-1, Previous #1) - A tough tumble for my preseason paper champion. Kind of a fluky week if you ask me. Tony Romo won't score that many points again (unless it's Thanksgiving against the Buccaneers), Lee Evans won't have less than 5 receiving yards again, and Vincent Jackson will NOT drop any more touchdowns. He's Vincent Jackson for crying out loud! Jason Witten for Tony Gonzalez looks like a bad deal after one week, but should correct itself.

8. Dave Wanner (0-1, Previous #3) - He was the lowest scoring team this week, but that was mostly due to unfathomably bad games out of Drew Brees and Steven Jackson. Jackson could have a tougher year ahead of him with tackle Orlando Pace done for the season, and even Plaxico's stats will take a dip if Eli's really hurt for an extended period of time.

9. Craig Fritz (0-1, Previous #8) - Alex Smith had a pretty bad game. The running backs here are still a total mystery to me as to what kind of season they'll have. Westbrook should have a big week 2 at home on MNF against the Redskins, so look for a bounce back week from him. I told you those receivers were good!!!

10. Matt Melvin (0-1, Previous #10) - The only guy who scared me this week was Witten, who looked open on every play. I TOLD YOU RONNIE BROWN SUCKS. I know he scored close to 10 points, but he's just excruciating to count on week in and week out. That Dolphins offense is atrocious and starting two members of it is going to get you a few more losses this season. Good game, Deion Branch. Guess you're not so great without a coaching staff stealing defensive signals for you, are you cockbreath?

11. Shelby Fidler (0-1, Previous #11) - I really like your running backs. Who knew Edgerrin James was going to get 45 carries a game? He could be a steal. Congratulations on having wide receivers more atrocious than mine. That's truly an accomplishment in this league.
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12. Adam Davis (0-1, Previous #12) - As the editor of this blog, it's getting tiring coming up with reasons why Adam owns the worst team in the league. As my treat to myself, it's up to you, the readers to let him know why he's in the cellar. Your suggestions (and any other complaints) in the comments!!

And The Chumley Goes To...

It's time to hand out some well-earned hardware.
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First of all, right off the bat, no punches pulled, let me just congratulate Dave Wanner on the phenomenal photoshoppery that you see above. I asked Dave to modify the Heisman in such a way that it beared the head of one of our league members, and he came through. You're a good man, sir.

Now, a word about the following column. When watching the VMA's the other night, I decided that there just aren't enough arbitrary awards being handed out in this world. Is Fall Out Boy definitely better than the White Stripes? I never thought so, but MTV says otherwise, so I guess I was wrong all along! Not wanting to miss out on the fun, I've decided to reward some NFL players with the official award of Fisting Jerry Dunn.

My first step was choosing a name. It seemed that most of the other names of awards were all gay sounding and ended in 'y'. The Emmy, the Tony, the Grammy, etc. I didn't want to break that rich tradition, so I went with the gayest word ending in 'y' that I could think of, Chumley.

From there I had to come up with criteria for the Chumley. What I've decided to do is hand out 6 Chumleys after every week of game. The Chumley will go to the most exceptional player on each of the 6 winning fantasy teams each week. I've decided that in this case, 'exceptional' means the following:

-Player put up a massive amount of points

-Player far outperformed expectations of self

-Player gave fantasy team a significant advantage at one position

-Player made a badass play that resulted in extra fantasy points

With these criteria in mind, I will now announce the first weekly Chumley award winners for the 2007 season. Each player's Chumleys will be carefully tabulated throughout the season, and the player with the most Chumley awards will be designated Fisting Jerry Dunn's Most Valuable Player. That player will likely get a pizza party at Chuck E. Cheez or something equally lame. The budget's tight here this season. Now, let's get on with the awards.

Game 1: Mike def. Craig - And the Chumley goes to...

Antonio Gates, TE, San Diego. Antonio gave Mike a much needed cushion at tight end, outscoring counterpart Ben Watson by more than 12 points.

Game 2: Hefty def. Melvin - And the Chumley goes to...
Marshawn Lynch, RB, Buffalo. Marshawn came out with both guns blazing in his first NFL game against a tough Denver defense and racked up 90+ rushing yards and a 23 yard touchdown.

Game 3: Aaron def. Rich - And the Chumley goes to...
Steelers, D/ST, Pittsburgh. The Steel Curtain was as effective in fantasy as it was in the real NFL, racking up 22 points in a severe beatdown on the Cleveland Browns.

Game 4: Shawn def. Aaron - And the Chumley goes to...
Randy Moss, WR, New England. Moss led the league in receiving yards, and reeled in a 51 yard touchdown in his first game as a Patriot.

Game 5: Slimmy def. Dave - And the Chumley goes to...

LaMont Jordan, RB, Oak. ESPN.com's least favorite running back on draft day turned into quite a valuable commodity for young Slims, as he was the second highest scoring running back in our league.

Game 6: Jordan def. Shelby - And the Chumley goes to...
Reggie Wayne, WR, Ind. Reggie's monster game on Thursday night gave Jordan a lead that he never gave back up in cruising to a season opening win.

Congratulations to all the winners. As the season progresses, I'll have a Chumley tracker that shows the leaderboard. For now, it's easy! They all have 1!!

Week 1 Photo Finishes!!

Will Carson Palmer secure a Week 1 win for the league's most handsome GM? Tune in and find out!!

As many of you shuffle home from work tonight, you'll ponder your chances in your fantasy football. Maybe your team is up big, but you face a slew of talented players. Maybe you're hoping for that one last Matt Stover field goal to get your team over the top. Well, ponder no more, leaguemates. Every Monday, I'll break down the post-Sunday action and let you know who's coming out of your game with a W.

Game 1: Mike (Anquan Boldin and a 12.5 point lead) vs. Craig (Alex Smith)

Analysis - I expect the Arizona-San Fran game to be fairly high scoring, and I think the Cardinals' passing attack will benefit from that. With a 12.5 point cushion, Mike should have what it takes to hang on for the win. Good luck staying up until 1:30 to find out, though, Craig.

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Game 2: Aaron (Frank Gore and a 2.2 point lead) vs. Rich (Larry Fitzgerald)

Analysis - It's too early in the season to bail on Rich...he's #1 in my power rankings for a reason. After last night's Tony Romo explosion, Rich feels like a team of destiny. Aaron carries the lead into the 4th quarter, but watches it squirt away on a Frank Gore fumble. Rich eeks out a win and stays at #1.

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Game 3: Hefty (Carson Palmer, Vernon Davis, and a 12.6 point lead) vs. Melvin (Rudi Johnson)

Analysis - I'm expecting the Ravens to stuff Rudi. Palmer could have his troubles as well, but with a 12.6 point lead and Vernon Davis in the late game, I think I'm in pretty good shape here. Hefty gets the win.

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Game 4: Shawn (Matt Leinart, Willis McGahee, and a 11.9 point lead) vs. Adam (Todd Heap and the Ravens D)

Analysis - The Ravens defense and Todd Heap sound like a potent duo, but you losing this game is the Fantasy Gods' way of showing you how badly you screwed up your draft. Shawn wins handily.

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So there you have it. If I didn't preview your game, your fate is sealed. Go in peace.

Round-Up: Week 1 Bajingos and Sasquatches

Apparently, NBC is very comfortable with the thought of gay interracial marriage.

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Not to step on Mike's post, but it is Monday morning, and my readers need a major football fix. So dig in, fatties!! Suckle from my journalistic teat! Today I offer you Bajingos and Sasquatches. Most fantasy websites call this column 'Studs and Duds'. Well, I think that's gay. Just because the two rhyme doesn't mean they're appropriate titles to place on people. In my world, you're either a sweaty steaming bajingo, or you're a musclebound, hairy sasquatch. Let's see who's who!!

.Bajingos

1. Deewaan’s Running Backs – Thomas Jones and Steven Jackson combined for 8.6 points, on 100 total rushing yards. The No. 2 pick managed just 3 measly fantasy points in an opening day loss. Not exactly what Dave had in mind. Sweet commercial though.
2. Deion Branch – 0 catches, 0 yards, 0 airport blumpkins, 0 sweet commercials. Rough day.
3. Adam’s Running Backs – This is why you grab a running back in the first two rounds. Chunk and Sloth combined for 4.1 points and could cost Adam his Week 1 matchup with Hussein.
4. Philip Rivers – Even when the Chargers throw touchdowns, it’s LT who gets the points, not Rivers. He had an extremely tough matchup against the voracious Chicago D, but Rivers had a tough time getting anything going.
5. Everyone On Rich’s Team Who’s Not Dating Carrie Underwood – Lee Evans, 2 catches for 5 yards? Tony Gonzalez, 3 points? Maroney only getting 9 points in a Patriots bloodbath? Hell, even THE Vincent Jackson dropped a touchdown pass, and got stopped short at the 1 yard line on a nice red zone catch.

Sasquatches

1. Seemingly Everyone Involved In The Sunday Night Football Game – The stats here are eye-popping. Unfortunately, I couldn’t watch any more football by the time this game came on; my eyes were literally popping out of my skull. Sounds like a barnburner though.
2. Randy Moss – Contradictory to my colleague, Mr. Walbert, I’ll be the first to applaud Randy on a phenomenal performance. Nine catches for a buck-eighty-three? Who wouldn’t take that? He’s baaaack!
3. Adam’s Quarterbacks – Normally you’d be thrilled to get 65 points out of your top two draft picks. Unfortunately, if you’re Adam, one of them was sitting on the bench. The worst draft strategy in human history only needed 1 game to prove how stupid it was. Truly idiotic.
4. Hefty’s Hot Rooks!!! – I drafted Marshawn Lynch and Adrian Peterson hoping that one of them would develop into a solid number 2 back. I didn’t expect both of them to pan out, but after yesterday’s performances, it looks like they’ll both be getting the bulk of the carries and ripping off a lot of yards. Both backs got 19 carries, as opposed to the veteran backup (Anthony Thomas, Chester Taylor) getting only 3. That’s a good sign.
5. The Detroit Lions – Jon Kitna, Tatum Bell, Calvin Johnson, Roy Williams all found the end zone, and this offense seemed to be clicking all day. I say seem to, because there’s no way I would have actually watched that steaming dog turd of a game.

Monday Morning Slobbering Yap: 9/10/07

Romo? Almost 50 points? Burress? Almost 40? Something doesn't seem quite right...

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1. I think Penn State's defense has the makings to be the best in Big Ten, certainly. But one could argue that the unit, which is displaying phenomenal speed, is among the top 5 defenses in the country this early into the season. And you can truly tell that the defensive line honed its hand-to-hand combat skills at Meridian II in the offseason. It's paying off in spades.

2. I think the Explosive Diarrhea General Manager of the Week Award goes to Ricardo Ely for that what-the-eff-no-really-stop-it!! performance by Tony "Hide The Balogna" Romo. Nearly a 50-point game?! What an explosive, wild and messy effort!

3. I think the Britney Spears performance at the MTV VMAs last night is on par with Jordan Yingling's various forays on to the basketball court. They both consisted of disjointed movement, ill-advised heaves and stretched vulvas.

4. I think we should expect to hear some hootin' and hollerin' from the Randy Moss camp in Westside V this week. It was one week, fellas, and the Jets secondary couldn't cover Deewaan's package. Hey, I think that's the J-E-T-S! in David's team logo!

5. I think the down-to-the-wire matchup between the Areolas and the Maulers could be one for the ages. It's time to choppy-choppy pee-pee!

This Is, Once Again, Our Country

Drew Brees and his favorite target, Carlton from Fresh Prince.

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So the NFL made is triumphant return to our lives last night, and all in all, I was pretty impressed. Here are some things I liked and disliked from last night's Colts-Saints contest.

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I'm generally a pessimist, so let's start with the dislikes:

-The utterly bizzare Reggie Bush/Peyton Manning "the Eagle has no feathers" skit before kickoff. What paste-eating third grader came up with that joke? Did anybody laugh? Uh-oh, Reggie Bush, the Secret Service is coming to protect you!!! I'm guessing that the same writing staff for this skit is somehow involved with their new hit show, Chuck.

-Sticking with Peyton Manning and the media, what shroom-eating liberal arts major came up with the Mind of Manning commercial??? The room with all the mini-Peytons? The room with Marvin Harrison surrounded by Dolphins (actually, I just figured that out as I typed it...)? The kid who whispers Dallas Clark? What in God's name is going on here?

-I disliked Reggie Bush. More than Drew Brees, who I think eventually will be fine, Reggie looked like he's in for a long year. It was like he was starting all his highlight reel moves to bust out a big gain, but the defense was on him before he could actually finish the move. Is he slower than we thought? Are Fresno State defenders somehow worse than NFL defenders?

-I disliked the lack of Ben Utecht, who we all paid good money to see.

-I disliked Keith Olbermann, Tiki Barber, and as always, I despised Cris Collinsworth. I would love to know why he always acts like a PMSing fat chick who hasn't had a date in six years. He's making good money being on TV, isn't he? Can't he smile or pretend he's happy, or even enjoys football? Please?????

Ok, now I'm bummed out. Let's switch gears. Here are some things I liked:

-The lack of the Tranny. Faith Hill, although she's starting to show her age just the tiniest bit, is approximately 400 times easier to look at than Pink throwing punches at me in a halter top. Leave me alone, you post-op nightmare!

-The Colts defense. Holy crap did they look good. A team like that could challenge for a Super Bowl, I reckon.

-John Madden giving the EXACT same speech from Madden 2007 about Peyton Manning getting three plays in the huddle, two runs and a pass. I was quoting him in stride as he was giving his speech. Angie proceeded to throw out my PS2.

-Reggie Freaking Wayne. You get the feeling that Peyton could probably throw to Reggie on every play, but he gets it to Marvin just as often so that there's no hard feelings. Speaking of Marvin, sweet toe drag in the end zone. It was pretty.

-Joseph Addai getting the crap knocked out of him on the first play from scrimmage of the NFL season. I had Shelby dialed up until I saw the replay, and figured he was okay. I'd love to get a look at Shelby's underwear though, which I'm 96% certain, were soiled at the time. But was there a better play to start the new season off? A bone jarring hit that you can't see in any other sport. It's sexy. Very sexy.

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Welcome back, NFL. We missed you. Now let's all do the Carlton Dance!!!!

BREAKING: Bill Cowher Hates The Steelers

The Bill Cowher-Steelers divorce gets messy.

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If there's one man who knows a little sumpin-sumpin about the Pittsburgh Steelers, it's gotta be Bill Cowher, right? Sure, he's not the coach anymore, but he was the face of the Steelers for as long as I can remember watching football. So when he predicts how Pittsburgh will fare in their upcoming season, he speaks with a fair, if not large, bit of gravitas on the subject.

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Well, Pittsburgh fans, to be honest, he thinks you suck donkey balls. In a Post-Gazette piece, Cowher says that the Steelers will finish behind the Ravens and Bengals when it's all said and done this year. The good news? He still thinks you're better than the Browns, so you'll still probably win Week 1.

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By the by, my prediction for the AFC North this season? Coming right up, readers.

1. Bengals (Carson 4 Prez!!!)

2. Steelers (Sneeeeaking in with a wild card. Start ordering the Obsidian for the Mike Tomlin statue!)

3. Ravens (Remember when quarterbacks used to be important in football? Not in Baltimore they don't!)

4. Browns (The best thing this team can do is accumulate draft picks. Oh wait, they already traded next year's number 1 for that gay kid holding the clipboard...)

THE BIGGEST GAME OF OUR LIVES…..nay….OF THE ENTIRE WORLD!!!! (WEEK 1 EDITION)

It's Week 1: Time to seperate the lions from the wildebeests.

.Editor's Note: This will be a regular featurette here on Fisting Jerry Dunn. Aaron Repucci, previously of such fine columns as The Steelers Preview (parts 1 and 2), will check in weekly to offer his take on the most tantalizing games of the week. I now turn this space over to him. Enjoy.

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Welcome Westside FFLeaguers, to the first post of my weekly guest featurette in which I will take a look at what I think is the most crucial/interesting/pivotal/saucy game of the week in deciding the fate of the Westside.

.Week 1!!!!!!!!!

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. Runner up: BecaHigh DanKendra’s????? vs. the Canadian Cripplers

This game has little to do with Hussein at this point and much to do about Davis. Adam received so much crap for his entire draft and is currently sitting in the twelfth spot of Hefty’s infamous power rankings. This is a chance for him to prove his team worthy! Can he ride the laser rocket arm of P-diddy? Currently, the much maligned DanKendra’s have been given the edge over the cripplers in ESPN’s breakdown. Could the DanKendra’s (what the heck is a DanKendra anyways??? Sounds like Steely McBeam could have found a Poodle Beach buddy) move up in the power rankings and out of Jerry Dunn’s anal canal??????

My prediction: Davis will in fact ride P-diddy’s arm to victory in this one…DAVIS WINS!!!!
*side note of this game: much debate has come of Randy Moss’s ’07 potential production. Is the illustrious, expert analyst Virginia Slims Davis right???

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GAME OF THE WEEK!!!!: The JABROC JUNK JABBERS vs. the lymez DIZ-EEZ NUTZ!!!

Connecticut is too small for two Westside FFL powerhouses! Plus, the Asian hero from Heroes took the number one spot in the power rankings right out of the gate making him the sassy, hot team to beat. Can his young, promising team live up to their expectations??? The diz-eez nutz will certainly make the jabbers think twice before they jab. Just look at the head to head in our league’s week 1 break down…it’s a close one!!!

So…my prediction??? The Diz-eez nutz win by a Deewaan pube…yeah yeah yeah…I know what you’re thinking…of course you’re gonna pick your team. But let’s look a little closer. I think that the WR, RB, TE, K matchups couldn’t be closer. The Steelers have a slight edge playing against the Browns compared to the Skins against the Dolls. BUT! Where the ESPN breakdown has it wrong, I think, is at the QB position. I think veteran QB Matty Hass will fare much better against a weak Bucz crew at home than young Homo will against a big division rival (night game nonetheless). NO PRESSURE, Homie Romie Rue!!!
*game side note: Rich and A-Rep’s manhood is on the line as they will be spending much of the NFL weekend together watching the game…with their respective belle’s!!!! Who will be the stud and who will be the dud????!!!

LET’S WATCH!!!

Remember…you heard it here first!!!