Let's cut to the chase with this one as I'm going to spend more time on the Power Rankings anyway.
Rich def. Dave - And the Tony goes to Giants D. Without the 26 points put up as the Giants destroyed the Ravens, Rich would not have taken a step closer to locking up a playoff spot.
Melvin def. Mike - And the Tony goes to Larry Fitzgerald. 21 points in a win against the Seahawks made up for a rather average week by the rest of Melvin's team.
Craig def. Adam - And the Tony goes to DeAngelo Williams. Again a pretty difficult decision here as the week's high scoring team had 3 players go over 24 points. Williams' 56 yard TD scamper set the tone for the beat down of the Dump Tanks.
Aaron def. Shawn - And the Tony goes to Anquan Boldin. The NFLs leading receiver has done it again. His 25.5 points were too much for Oops! to overcome.
Jordan def. Jonesy - And the Tony goes to Dwayne Bowe. Jordan's pick up of this talented 3rd receiver really paid off this week. His 20.5 points in a losing effort to the Saints set up the Sharts for the win in this low-scoring matchup.
Hefty def. Shelby - And the Tony goes to Michael Turner. The Falcon's stud continued his torrid season with a 20 point outburst. The Terrible Bowels needed every one of those points as they only beat out the CHDs by 4.9 points.
Showing posts with label My tony's bigger than your tony. Show all posts
Showing posts with label My tony's bigger than your tony. Show all posts
Thursday, November 20, 2008
Thursday, November 13, 2008
Week 10: The Tony Awards
"I know, it's huge. Thanks for noticing."
I don't know why, but that picture just made me LoL at my office so in the blog it goes! Our man and Hefty's other love interest is back in the game this week, so hopefully that will make for some interesting story lines come Monday morning. For now, let's recap the studs from week 10 that propelled their teams to victory!
Rich def. Aaron - And the Tony goes to Jay Cutler. 3TDs and 447 yards!! Wowzers! His 41 points allowed Rich to squeak by Aaron after Burrito Rice posted a valiant effort in MNF. Close game and all the more reason to play against the league average!! Yay for evidence based arguments!
Mike def. Dave - And the Tony goes to Thomas Jones. In another tight game this week the Jets runningback saved Mike by going for 150 yards and 3TDs of his own. It was easily his highest scoring game of the season. Will he be able to continue the upward trend against the nemesis Patriots? NFL Network will tell us tonight!
Jordan def. Hefty - And the Tony goes to Adrian Peterson. When you MUST have a win, lean on your studs. The #2 overall pick didn't disappoint. Peterson is now the NFL's leading rusher and his 30.5 points in week 10 made sure Hefty wouldn't be seeing the top of the standings anytime soon.
Craig def. Jonesy - And the Tony goes to Tyler Thigpen. Raise your hand if you had heard of Thigpen before the season. No one? Not surprising. This guy has come out of no where to record three straight off the chart fantasy weeks. His 32.7 points were topped only by Warner and Cutler. That's impressive and a premonition for later in this column. Truthfully, this was a hard one to pick. Four guys on my team scored 24 or more points. That's balance and that's deadly.
Adam def. Shawn - And the Tony goes to Maurice Jones-Drew. If you haven't been paying attention, MJD has a monster game every 3rd week. In games 3, 6 and 9 he's scored 24, 29 and 28 points respectively. In all other games he's totaled 49 points. That means he'll have a huge week to get Adam into the playoffs in week 13 and then another huge week to win Adam the title, right?
Melvin def. Shelby - And the Tony goes to Kurt Warner. Melvin was down going into MNF. But Warner continued his MVP campaign by slicing and dicing the 49ers to the tune of 328 yards and 3 scores. He's cut down on the turnovers too, with only 3 in his last five games. That either means he's corrected something or he's due for another six turnover meltdown like he had against the Jets.
Rich def. Aaron - And the Tony goes to Jay Cutler. 3TDs and 447 yards!! Wowzers! His 41 points allowed Rich to squeak by Aaron after Burrito Rice posted a valiant effort in MNF. Close game and all the more reason to play against the league average!! Yay for evidence based arguments!
Mike def. Dave - And the Tony goes to Thomas Jones. In another tight game this week the Jets runningback saved Mike by going for 150 yards and 3TDs of his own. It was easily his highest scoring game of the season. Will he be able to continue the upward trend against the nemesis Patriots? NFL Network will tell us tonight!
Jordan def. Hefty - And the Tony goes to Adrian Peterson. When you MUST have a win, lean on your studs. The #2 overall pick didn't disappoint. Peterson is now the NFL's leading rusher and his 30.5 points in week 10 made sure Hefty wouldn't be seeing the top of the standings anytime soon.
Craig def. Jonesy - And the Tony goes to Tyler Thigpen. Raise your hand if you had heard of Thigpen before the season. No one? Not surprising. This guy has come out of no where to record three straight off the chart fantasy weeks. His 32.7 points were topped only by Warner and Cutler. That's impressive and a premonition for later in this column. Truthfully, this was a hard one to pick. Four guys on my team scored 24 or more points. That's balance and that's deadly.
Adam def. Shawn - And the Tony goes to Maurice Jones-Drew. If you haven't been paying attention, MJD has a monster game every 3rd week. In games 3, 6 and 9 he's scored 24, 29 and 28 points respectively. In all other games he's totaled 49 points. That means he'll have a huge week to get Adam into the playoffs in week 13 and then another huge week to win Adam the title, right?
Melvin def. Shelby - And the Tony goes to Kurt Warner. Melvin was down going into MNF. But Warner continued his MVP campaign by slicing and dicing the 49ers to the tune of 328 yards and 3 scores. He's cut down on the turnovers too, with only 3 in his last five games. That either means he's corrected something or he's due for another six turnover meltdown like he had against the Jets.
Thursday, November 6, 2008
The Tony Awards: Week 9
"Hey there fella. I think I see some pretty handsome award winners out there."
Well, the election has come and gone and so has week 9! It's in the books and a bunch of really fun things happened. Aaron won, and Melvin lost, again! Dave's three game winning streak came to a screeching halt and so did Shelby's three game losing streak. Coincidentally, they scored the fewest and most points in the league, respectively. Now it's time to hand out some week 9 certificates of studliness.
Hefty def. Craig - And the Tony goes to Derek Mason. I probably could have just awarded Hefty's team's consistency. I mean seriously. Four guys scored exactly 14 points. Show me a time that's happened before, in any league. No, the award goes to Mason because he destroyed my hopes of pulling off a win and embarrassed the Browns secondary in the process.
Jordan def. Melvin - And the Tony goes to Adrian Peterson. He's hardly in a sophomore slump, but he's not breaking his rookie season records by any means. Peterson's 20 points helped stave off another weak effort by the Poopy Heads. Both teams need to score more if they want to go anywhere in the playoffs.
Aaron def. Dave - And the Tony goes to Clinton Portis. On a night where his QB got hurt and the Redskins got totally dominated, Burrito Rice was somehow able to pull out a close battle. Portis didn't find the endzone or top 100 yards but he caught a bunch of passes and still ended up with 15.5 points to win it for Aaron.
Shelby def. Mike - And the Tony goes to Peyton Manning. I have to reward Shelby for sticking with his stud even after I criticized him for not playing Peyton and then the strategy backfired the following week. Your number 1 picks will win you more games than they'll lose. Shelby's big week came just in the nick of time as Mike was forced to bench Brees with a bye. Can't catch a break this year, hoss.
Jonesy def. Shawn - And the Tony goes to Antonio Bryant. Yeah, you read that right. Antonio "I got thrown out of Dallas by Bill Parcells and I suck because I went to Pitt" Bryant. He scored 22 points!! Are you kidding! Jonesy's wins have certainly been due to some stellar waiver wire pick-ups. Anal Leakage is creeping closer towards the playoffs.
Rich def. Davis - And the Tony goes to Brandon Jacobs. In the tighest game of the weekend, Rich relied on his big beef in the backfield and it paid off nicely. Dallas had no answer for Jacobs as the Giants rolled. Rich also sent the DumpTanks to their third straight loss, eekers!
Hefty def. Craig - And the Tony goes to Derek Mason. I probably could have just awarded Hefty's team's consistency. I mean seriously. Four guys scored exactly 14 points. Show me a time that's happened before, in any league. No, the award goes to Mason because he destroyed my hopes of pulling off a win and embarrassed the Browns secondary in the process.
Jordan def. Melvin - And the Tony goes to Adrian Peterson. He's hardly in a sophomore slump, but he's not breaking his rookie season records by any means. Peterson's 20 points helped stave off another weak effort by the Poopy Heads. Both teams need to score more if they want to go anywhere in the playoffs.
Aaron def. Dave - And the Tony goes to Clinton Portis. On a night where his QB got hurt and the Redskins got totally dominated, Burrito Rice was somehow able to pull out a close battle. Portis didn't find the endzone or top 100 yards but he caught a bunch of passes and still ended up with 15.5 points to win it for Aaron.
Shelby def. Mike - And the Tony goes to Peyton Manning. I have to reward Shelby for sticking with his stud even after I criticized him for not playing Peyton and then the strategy backfired the following week. Your number 1 picks will win you more games than they'll lose. Shelby's big week came just in the nick of time as Mike was forced to bench Brees with a bye. Can't catch a break this year, hoss.
Jonesy def. Shawn - And the Tony goes to Antonio Bryant. Yeah, you read that right. Antonio "I got thrown out of Dallas by Bill Parcells and I suck because I went to Pitt" Bryant. He scored 22 points!! Are you kidding! Jonesy's wins have certainly been due to some stellar waiver wire pick-ups. Anal Leakage is creeping closer towards the playoffs.
Rich def. Davis - And the Tony goes to Brandon Jacobs. In the tighest game of the weekend, Rich relied on his big beef in the backfield and it paid off nicely. Dallas had no answer for Jacobs as the Giants rolled. Rich also sent the DumpTanks to their third straight loss, eekers!
Tuesday, October 28, 2008
The Tony Awards: Week 8 (&7)
"I'm singin' the bluuuuuuues with a busted digit."
Week 8 has passed, well, so has 7, but I wasn't on my game. Here's some awards for studs that made the difference over the past few weeks.
EDITOR'S NOTE: Do we really have to call these things the Tonys still? The guy is a a little off and now he's like Barbaro with a broken bone. I really don't see him coming back from this. Ever.
WEEK 8:
Craig def. Melvin - And the Tony goes to Donnie Avery. The rook continued his three game tear by taking a dump all over the Patriots banged-up secondary. 160+ yards and a TD made for a fine waiver-wire pickup for Colon Blow.
Jordan def. Mike - And the Tony goes to Dominic Rhodes. Of the two fill-in RBs on the Sharts, it was Mr. Rhodes who fended off the hot pursuits of Skidmark during MNF. His 14 points kept Mike frustrated once again as he has the 3rd highest scoring average in the league and only 3 wins to show for it.
Jonesy def. Rich - And the Tony goes to Mewelde Moore. Another fill in RB with a big day. He busted a long run early on against the Giants when the Steelers O-line actually looked decent. He scored for the second week in a row and remains a viable option until Fast Willie Parker comes back to the lineup.
Dave def. Shelby - And the Tony goes to Santana Moss. Moss was a one man show for the StinkPalmers and our league doesn't even give points for punt return TDs (change on the horizon) and he still scored almost 30 points. Don't look now, but Dave has the longest winning streak in the league. He's getting hot at the right time.
Hefty def. Shawn - And the Tony goes to Brian Westbrook. Holy come-back, Batman. Westbrook had something ridiculous like 167 rushing yards and 2 TDs plus a bunch of receiving yards as the Eagles took down the Falcons at home. The Terrible Bowels is the highest scoring team in the league thanks to the Westbrook/Turner duo.
Aaron def. Davis - And the Tony goes to super duper hugs of joy and big rainbow high-fives!!! I've waited all year to award someone from Aaron's team. Good job on breaking through, big guy!! Hopefully you can keep that MO going. The actual award goes to Anquan Boldin for healing so quickly it would make Wolverine proud. Come to think of it, Boldin is a lot like Wolverine now. They both have adamantium fused to their facial bones. Right? Right!
Week 7:
Mike def. Craig - Chris Johnson
Rich def. Hefty - Steven Jackson
Melvin def. Shawn - Bears D
Jonesy def. Aaron - Mewelde Moore
Jordan def. Shelby - Owen Daniels (21 pts from a TE!?)
Dave def. Adam - Willis McGahee
EDITOR'S NOTE: Do we really have to call these things the Tonys still? The guy is a a little off and now he's like Barbaro with a broken bone. I really don't see him coming back from this. Ever.
WEEK 8:
Craig def. Melvin - And the Tony goes to Donnie Avery. The rook continued his three game tear by taking a dump all over the Patriots banged-up secondary. 160+ yards and a TD made for a fine waiver-wire pickup for Colon Blow.
Jordan def. Mike - And the Tony goes to Dominic Rhodes. Of the two fill-in RBs on the Sharts, it was Mr. Rhodes who fended off the hot pursuits of Skidmark during MNF. His 14 points kept Mike frustrated once again as he has the 3rd highest scoring average in the league and only 3 wins to show for it.
Jonesy def. Rich - And the Tony goes to Mewelde Moore. Another fill in RB with a big day. He busted a long run early on against the Giants when the Steelers O-line actually looked decent. He scored for the second week in a row and remains a viable option until Fast Willie Parker comes back to the lineup.
Dave def. Shelby - And the Tony goes to Santana Moss. Moss was a one man show for the StinkPalmers and our league doesn't even give points for punt return TDs (change on the horizon) and he still scored almost 30 points. Don't look now, but Dave has the longest winning streak in the league. He's getting hot at the right time.
Hefty def. Shawn - And the Tony goes to Brian Westbrook. Holy come-back, Batman. Westbrook had something ridiculous like 167 rushing yards and 2 TDs plus a bunch of receiving yards as the Eagles took down the Falcons at home. The Terrible Bowels is the highest scoring team in the league thanks to the Westbrook/Turner duo.
Aaron def. Davis - And the Tony goes to super duper hugs of joy and big rainbow high-fives!!! I've waited all year to award someone from Aaron's team. Good job on breaking through, big guy!! Hopefully you can keep that MO going. The actual award goes to Anquan Boldin for healing so quickly it would make Wolverine proud. Come to think of it, Boldin is a lot like Wolverine now. They both have adamantium fused to their facial bones. Right? Right!
Week 7:
Mike def. Craig - Chris Johnson
Rich def. Hefty - Steven Jackson
Melvin def. Shawn - Bears D
Jonesy def. Aaron - Mewelde Moore
Jordan def. Shelby - Owen Daniels (21 pts from a TE!?)
Dave def. Adam - Willis McGahee
Wednesday, October 15, 2008
The Tonys: Week 6
"Insert funny caption here!!"
Well, week 6 is in the books. It's time to hand out some hardware. Winners this week should pick up their trophies (pictured above) at my house. I'm making chili this weekend, so stay for a while. Please. I'm lonely.
Craig def. Shelby - And the Tony goes to Marion Barber. The dreadlocked wonder singlehandedly put the Cowboys on his back late in the game against the Cards. Unfortunately for Dallas, overtime consisted of a broken finger, a broken foot and a blocked punt for a TD. Fortunately for me, Barber's 70-plus yard TD reception netted me 16.5 points on one play and ended Shelby's sham of an unbeaten streak. NOTE: Play your first round pick no matter what!!
Shawn def. Mike - And the Tony goes to Steve Breaston. This waiver wire pick-up by Shawn scored 21 points from the 3rd WR slot while filling in admirably for the injured Anquan Boldin on the Cardinals. Breaston also helped Shawn squeak by Mike, who lost yet again while going over 100 points.
Hefty def. Aaron - And the Tony goes to Tony Romo!! How funny!! Romo's 35 points kept this one well out of reach of Aaron's best efforts and helped Hefty score the most points for the second week in a row. The namesake notches his first weekly award (Namesake - also a decent movie featuring our very own blog-throb, Kal Penn).
Melvin def. Rich - And the Tony goes to Matt Forte. The rook set the tone for the Poopyheads as they had even scoring across the board. He's been a solid performer all year and is actually the 4th highest scoring RB in our league. Consistency as running back is a major reason Melvin is steamrolling the competition.
Dave def. Jordan - And the Tony goes to Philip Rivers. Dave's team gets its first Tony winner, congrats!! Rivers put up a monster 33 points against the fading Patriots to lift Dave from the ranks of the defeated. It'd be nice if you stayed around for a while.
Adam def. Jonesy - And the Tony goes to MoJo Drew. Adam's "other" running back finally broke out with a beast of a game. Jones-Drew totted the rock for a cool 125 yards and two scores, including a 46 yard TD scamper. He's likely to continue his roll against the Browns in week 8.
Craig def. Shelby - And the Tony goes to Marion Barber. The dreadlocked wonder singlehandedly put the Cowboys on his back late in the game against the Cards. Unfortunately for Dallas, overtime consisted of a broken finger, a broken foot and a blocked punt for a TD. Fortunately for me, Barber's 70-plus yard TD reception netted me 16.5 points on one play and ended Shelby's sham of an unbeaten streak. NOTE: Play your first round pick no matter what!!
Shawn def. Mike - And the Tony goes to Steve Breaston. This waiver wire pick-up by Shawn scored 21 points from the 3rd WR slot while filling in admirably for the injured Anquan Boldin on the Cardinals. Breaston also helped Shawn squeak by Mike, who lost yet again while going over 100 points.
Hefty def. Aaron - And the Tony goes to Tony Romo!! How funny!! Romo's 35 points kept this one well out of reach of Aaron's best efforts and helped Hefty score the most points for the second week in a row. The namesake notches his first weekly award (Namesake - also a decent movie featuring our very own blog-throb, Kal Penn).
Melvin def. Rich - And the Tony goes to Matt Forte. The rook set the tone for the Poopyheads as they had even scoring across the board. He's been a solid performer all year and is actually the 4th highest scoring RB in our league. Consistency as running back is a major reason Melvin is steamrolling the competition.
Dave def. Jordan - And the Tony goes to Philip Rivers. Dave's team gets its first Tony winner, congrats!! Rivers put up a monster 33 points against the fading Patriots to lift Dave from the ranks of the defeated. It'd be nice if you stayed around for a while.
Adam def. Jonesy - And the Tony goes to MoJo Drew. Adam's "other" running back finally broke out with a beast of a game. Jones-Drew totted the rock for a cool 125 yards and two scores, including a 46 yard TD scamper. He's likely to continue his roll against the Browns in week 8.
Wednesday, October 8, 2008
The Week 5 Tonys
I was in the pool!!!!
Alas we've come to the week 5 Tony awards. I'm bad at photoshop and bad at humor, but we're not here for comedy, right? Right!? Here's the list of some pretty big badasses that propelled their teams to victory in week 5...
Jordan def. Craig - And the Tony goes to Isaac Bruce. This old guy decided to have his best game of the year against the Patriots and made me look like a moron for starting Brian Griese over JT O'Sullivan. He wasn't Jordan's highest scorer, but he sealed the deal in the afternoon games after Colon Blow had built a healthy lead during the early games.
Melvin def. Aaron - And the Tony goes to Kurt Warner. This guy contemplated retirement after taking the blame for getting Aquan Boldin decapitated a week earlier. Then he decided he still wanted to play and led the Cards to a 41 point outburst that vaulted the Poopy Heads to a perfect 5-0 record. I'm pretty sure Melvin is glad you decided to stop being a pussy, Kurt.
Hefty def. Adam - And the Tony goes to Andre Johnson. Let's be honest. This award could have gone to a number of people on the Terrible Bowels. They shat all over the Dump Tanks in the most lopsided game of the week. I goes to Johnson because he finally had the type of game Hefty was expecting when he drafted him. The points will need to continue as Hefty's gem, Westbrook, is looking prrretty dicey for the coming weeks.
Jonesy def. Dave - And the Tony goes to Kyle Orton. WTF?! you say? Yes, the bearded wonder. Kyle Orton. I was sitting there last Thursday, trying to decide if I was going to pick up Griese or Orton. Brian was playing the team allowing the 3rd most fantasy points this season and Orton was playing a joke of a defense in Detroit. I went with Griese and it cost me the game. It won the game for Jonsey, as Orton accounted for nearly a quarter of his point total and got him off the schnide with a win.
Rich def. Mike - And the Tony goes to Brandon Jacobs. This dude wracked up 26.5 points and did almost all of his damage in the first half. Beastly. He got the Butt Pills on the right track in one of week 5's most hotly contested games. Thus far, Jacobs has been able to avoid the injury bug that has plagued him throughout his career.
Shelby def. Shawn - And the Tony goes to Peyton Manning. Not a spectacular scoring game from the golden boy, but no one on Shelby's team stood out. It was just consistent scoring all the way through the lineup. Manning was the beneficiary of one of the most ridiculous 4th quarter collapses ever as the Colts scored 3TDs in the final 5 minutes of the game to leave the Texans feeling like they just got ass-raped by Hurricane Ike, again.
Thursday, October 2, 2008
Week 4 Tonys: Veep Debate Edition
I'm tired and busy, so this will be quick!Mike def. Aaron - The Tony goes to Drew Brees. The Saints QB picked apart a good 49ers secondary to post 34 points. Mike continues to score well heading into his empty suit managerial week while he's in Cabo for BonerFest '08.
Hefty def. Jonesy - The Tony goes to Derrick Mason. The ancient receiver put up big numbers on an ugly Monday night game. He scored 18 points with Joe "The Ostrich" Flacco tossing him the rock. Figure that one out.
Craig def. Dave - The Tony goes to Greg Jennings. Big props to the Blow's whole receiving corps that combined for 69 points to send the team to its second victory. Jennings leads the NFL in receiving yards and scored his first 2 TDs to go along with all those yards.
Jordan def. Shawn - The Tony goes to Brett Favre. How can you ignore a record setting day from one of the NFL's top 10 QBs of all time? 6 TD tosses against the Cardinals, who looked like they'd never seen a football in the air before.
Melvin def. Adam - The Tony goes to Larry Fitzgerald. Melvin's team took a little bit of a scoring dip in week 4, but still pulled out the victory. I refuse to award his highest scorer, Kurt Warner, due to an ungodly amount of turnovers, albeit with 479 passing yards.
Shelby def. Rich - The Tony goes to Jake Delhomme. The Panther's QB put a lot of air under the ball and delivered strike after strike to Mouhammad and Smith. His 27 points help put Rich away on a down week. Take note here. Shelby FINALLY broke the 100 point barrier and did it with three guys scoring ZERO points. Ridiculous.
Wednesday, September 24, 2008
Give Me My Tonys Back!
I'm throwing a Blog-tantrum.This is a big EFF YOU to Citizen 10 Cane. You obviously put a lot of time into your below, stinky column. Couldn't you at least done the Tonys right?! Has the great weekly award of our league been denigrated so badly that it only deserves a mention in the comments? Crockery!
Hefty def. Dave - The Tony goes to Eagles D. At truly stifling performance, albeit against a completely outgunned Oline.
Shelby def. Aaron - The Tony goes to Frank Gore. He had a lot of yards and scored a TD. Awesome.
Adam def. Mike - The Tony goes to Vikings D. Sack. Fumble. TD. Game.
Melvin def. Jonesy - The Tony goes to Reggie Bush. Kim Kardashian is a whore.
Shawn def. Craig - The Tony goes to Roddy White. Malcontent.
Jordan def. Rich - The Tony goes to TJ Houshmandzadeh. Degenerate.
There you have it. The Tonys. Week 3. Happy, Happy. Joy, Joy.
Tuesday, September 16, 2008
Handing Out Some Hardware: The Golden Tonys
Where snarky grins meet phallic symbols: The TonysOk, so things are a little rushed and now it's almost midnight on Tuesday and nothing has been recapped from week 2. I'm skipping the normal Studs and Duds routine and moving straight to the awards section of our fine weekly program. This week, Mr. Romo perches his dome atop the 2nd best award an actor can win that no one cares about, the Golden Globe. Here are your week two Tonys.
Game 1 - Mike def. Jonesy - The Tony goes to Titans D. Ernest Graham almost snuck in here with a wily, long TD run to seal the Bucs victory over the Falcons, but the Titans kept Team Skidmark in full skidish form with a 26 point outburst while playing the Bengals during a tornado. Two weeks into the season the Titans are the #1 scoring D and are also making the commish uncomfortable for calling them out as average.
Game 2 - Jordan def. Aaron - The Tony goes to Calvin Johnson. CJ out-staged his much ballyhooed teammate, Roy Williams, by hauling in 6 catches for 129 yards and 2 TDs. That's efficiency you just don't often see. Let me make a simple comparison so you can better understand how solid the performance was. Calvin's effort is similar to that of Jordan's hair, which has fallen out at an efficient rate since the sixth grade. Judge the results for yourself. The glare don't lie.
Game 3 - Shawn def. Dave - The Tony goes to Aaron Rodgers. The young buck can get it done, people. At least against a defense that resembles a one-legged, 80 year-old woman name Ruth that has emphysema and carts around an oxygen tank. Nonetheless, over 300 yards and 3 TDs is nothing to sneeze at. In a related note. Shelby def. Shawn in the game of life as his former team name appeared to be "too close to reality" for some people to handle. The replacement team is a winner, though it hawks my SNL theme. "Imagine this iced tea is a gallon of your feces." "That's a lot of dung!"
Game 4 - Melvin def. Hefty - The Tony goes to Brandon Marshall. Holy shitballs was this guy good. He hauled in the second most passes ever in NFL history with 18 receptions after coming off a one game suspension because of "behavior problems." Why does everyone have to get on a guy because he likes a little yayo with his shrimp and grits? This is the kind of rebound I think people were looking for from Christopher Reeve when they heard he'd been kicked by a horse. Too far? Perhaps a little too far...
Game 5 - Rich def. Craig - The Tony goes to Jay Cutler, who after two weeks is your #1 overall scorer. There were a lot of choices to be had here, and honorable mention goes to Giants D and Reggie Wayne, who both mercilessly precipitated the beatdown of my team. I knew taunting Rich was a bad idea. You'd be wise to learn from my mistakes and not fall victim to his ninja ways.
Game 6 - Shelby def. Adam - The Tony goes to Santonio Holmes. The Steelers deep threat scored 12.5 points on a night so windy that seemed like planes could have been knocked from the sky. I hated making a pick here because there was no 'one' player that stood out on Shelby's team and Davis should actually have won this game. I suggest you write a personal letter to DeSean Jackson and tell him he let a guy with a turtleneck on his penis beat you in fantasy football. That will surely set him straight for the rest of the year.
Game 1 - Mike def. Jonesy - The Tony goes to Titans D. Ernest Graham almost snuck in here with a wily, long TD run to seal the Bucs victory over the Falcons, but the Titans kept Team Skidmark in full skidish form with a 26 point outburst while playing the Bengals during a tornado. Two weeks into the season the Titans are the #1 scoring D and are also making the commish uncomfortable for calling them out as average.
Game 2 - Jordan def. Aaron - The Tony goes to Calvin Johnson. CJ out-staged his much ballyhooed teammate, Roy Williams, by hauling in 6 catches for 129 yards and 2 TDs. That's efficiency you just don't often see. Let me make a simple comparison so you can better understand how solid the performance was. Calvin's effort is similar to that of Jordan's hair, which has fallen out at an efficient rate since the sixth grade. Judge the results for yourself. The glare don't lie.
Game 3 - Shawn def. Dave - The Tony goes to Aaron Rodgers. The young buck can get it done, people. At least against a defense that resembles a one-legged, 80 year-old woman name Ruth that has emphysema and carts around an oxygen tank. Nonetheless, over 300 yards and 3 TDs is nothing to sneeze at. In a related note. Shelby def. Shawn in the game of life as his former team name appeared to be "too close to reality" for some people to handle. The replacement team is a winner, though it hawks my SNL theme. "Imagine this iced tea is a gallon of your feces." "That's a lot of dung!"
Game 4 - Melvin def. Hefty - The Tony goes to Brandon Marshall. Holy shitballs was this guy good. He hauled in the second most passes ever in NFL history with 18 receptions after coming off a one game suspension because of "behavior problems." Why does everyone have to get on a guy because he likes a little yayo with his shrimp and grits? This is the kind of rebound I think people were looking for from Christopher Reeve when they heard he'd been kicked by a horse. Too far? Perhaps a little too far...
Game 5 - Rich def. Craig - The Tony goes to Jay Cutler, who after two weeks is your #1 overall scorer. There were a lot of choices to be had here, and honorable mention goes to Giants D and Reggie Wayne, who both mercilessly precipitated the beatdown of my team. I knew taunting Rich was a bad idea. You'd be wise to learn from my mistakes and not fall victim to his ninja ways.
Game 6 - Shelby def. Adam - The Tony goes to Santonio Holmes. The Steelers deep threat scored 12.5 points on a night so windy that seemed like planes could have been knocked from the sky. I hated making a pick here because there was no 'one' player that stood out on Shelby's team and Davis should actually have won this game. I suggest you write a personal letter to DeSean Jackson and tell him he let a guy with a turtleneck on his penis beat you in fantasy football. That will surely set him straight for the rest of the year.
Wednesday, September 10, 2008
Handing Out Some Hardware - Premier of the Tony Awards
"Hey Jessica, I think I'm part of pop culture thanks to you." - Tony"Pop like soda or pop like popcorn?" - Jessica
"Nevermind, let's go bone on the beaches of Mexico." - Tony
"YAY for penises!!" - Jessica
Here we are, creeping up on week 2 and there's still so much left to do for week 1. A Little Slap and Pickle presents the first weekly installment of the 2008 awards that celebrate one player from each winning team that helped to seal the deal for their respective owner. Without further ado, the 2008 Tony Awards!!
Melvin def. Dave - The Tony goes to Reggie Bush. Melvin's day could have ended catastrophically, well, it actually did. But he still managed to pull out the win thanks to a monster day from Mr. Bush. Reggie totaled 28 points and mixed it up with receiving and rushing yards and caught a nifty screen pass for a 42 yard touchdown in there as well. With model-pumping QB out for the year, Melvin will lean heavily on Bush for the rest of the season.
Hefty def. Mike - The Tony goes to Michael Turner. I know, I know, he was already listed as a Magnum in our earlier column. But how can you possibly disregard 40.5 points from a running back?! With a regular week from Turner, Hefty would have lost by 15 and probably would be looking for some bullwinkle and a ZJ from some back-street boy in Doylestown. Man, it's a good thing Turner had the game he did!
Craig def. Aaron - The Tony goes to Marion Barber III. Dude ripped 23.5 points and only played 2.5 quarters. Injuries aside, that's production his general manager can certainly live with. Jericho Cotchery gets strong consideration for his fist rendezvous with Brett Favre, but I have a feeling Ol' Jericho will put his name on the Tony list before the season is through.
Shelby def. Jonesy - The Tony goes to Frank Gore. Shelby's highest scorer of the day came through huge in the 2nd round of Sunday games. He may not be able to put up similar numbers in lowly San Fran all season long, but he's at least made one skidmark on the underpants of week 1.
Adam def. Jordan - The Tony goes to DonoVan McNabb. Yes, another repeat from our Magnums section. The problem here is that the rest of Adam's team was so mediocre, I couldn't pick any of them in good conscience. If McNabb was able to put up these number with D squad receivers, imagine what he'll do when his top two boys are actually healthy. A stiff, hard, pulsating test awaits next Monday night as the Birds visit Big D.
Rich def. Shawn - The Tony goes to John Kitna. Even though his team got smoked, Kitna played a pretty solid game for the Lions who were purported to be using a run focused offensive attack in 2008. That's a hard plan to follow when you go down 21-0 in the first quarter. Surprisingly, Kitna was able to avoid turnovers and thus made up for the frightful day of Rich's TE, Todd Heap, who scored -1.5 in a total let down. JAP SLAP!!
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