The Week 5 Tonys

I was in the pool!!!!

Alas we've come to the week 5 Tony awards. I'm bad at photoshop and bad at humor, but we're not here for comedy, right? Right!? Here's the list of some pretty big badasses that propelled their teams to victory in week 5...

Jordan def. Craig - And the Tony goes to Isaac Bruce. This old guy decided to have his best game of the year against the Patriots and made me look like a moron for starting Brian Griese over JT O'Sullivan. He wasn't Jordan's highest scorer, but he sealed the deal in the afternoon games after Colon Blow had built a healthy lead during the early games.

Melvin def. Aaron - And the Tony goes to Kurt Warner. This guy contemplated retirement after taking the blame for getting Aquan Boldin decapitated a week earlier. Then he decided he still wanted to play and led the Cards to a 41 point outburst that vaulted the Poopy Heads to a perfect 5-0 record. I'm pretty sure Melvin is glad you decided to stop being a pussy, Kurt.

Hefty def. Adam - And the Tony goes to Andre Johnson. Let's be honest. This award could have gone to a number of people on the Terrible Bowels. They shat all over the Dump Tanks in the most lopsided game of the week. I goes to Johnson because he finally had the type of game Hefty was expecting when he drafted him. The points will need to continue as Hefty's gem, Westbrook, is looking prrretty dicey for the coming weeks.

Jonesy def. Dave - And the Tony goes to Kyle Orton. WTF?! you say? Yes, the bearded wonder. Kyle Orton. I was sitting there last Thursday, trying to decide if I was going to pick up Griese or Orton. Brian was playing the team allowing the 3rd most fantasy points this season and Orton was playing a joke of a defense in Detroit. I went with Griese and it cost me the game. It won the game for Jonsey, as Orton accounted for nearly a quarter of his point total and got him off the schnide with a win.

Rich def. Mike - And the Tony goes to Brandon Jacobs. This dude wracked up 26.5 points and did almost all of his damage in the first half. Beastly. He got the Butt Pills on the right track in one of week 5's most hotly contested games. Thus far, Jacobs has been able to avoid the injury bug that has plagued him throughout his career.

Shelby def. Shawn - And the Tony goes to Peyton Manning. Not a spectacular scoring game from the golden boy, but no one on Shelby's team stood out. It was just consistent scoring all the way through the lineup. Manning was the beneficiary of one of the most ridiculous 4th quarter collapses ever as the Colts scored 3TDs in the final 5 minutes of the game to leave the Texans feeling like they just got ass-raped by Hurricane Ike, again.