Week 5 Power Rankings: The Hot Dog Vendor

"Step right up, hunny. Shelby's got a present for ya!!"

So this BS has been going on for 5 weeks and I've done nothing but complain about it. It's Shelby's team. It started with what seemed like by far the worst pick of the first round (P. Manning) and progressed to the Chocolate Hot Dogs eeking out wins against crappy, disgusting, horrid, putrid, ugly, lazy, terrible competition. I said this team was farce. Now I'm the one eating crow. Not only has Shelby's team done well, they haven't lost! Well, a big Chocolate Hot Dog in my face! Shelby is where he finally deserves to be, right near the top of the power rankings.

#1 Melvin (5-0, W5, Previously #1) - There's not a whole lot to say here. Melvin continues to mow down the opponents, though his margin of victory has been getting a little tighter. Kurt Warner is making everyone say "Tom who?" Even when he has a turnover barrage like he did against the Jets, he's still putting up 20+ points on a regular basis. He's at home against a suspect Cowboys pass defense this week.

#2 Shelby (5-0, W5, Previously #5) - I've already said what I need to say. Shelby is pretty much already in the playoffs. Last year's 7 and 8 seeds had 6 wins, so now it's a matter of who he'll play in the winners bracket, not if.

#3 Hefty (4-1, W3, Previously #3) - Romo is starting to make me nervous, but this team is solid all around and thus far has been able to avoid slipping from bye weeks and injuries. Westbrook's long term availability is a major area of concern.

#4 Jordan (4-1, W4, Previously #6) - I was Jordan's most recent whipping boy and let me tell you, it wasn't any fun. The running back situation is tenuous as Maroney is looking like a major first round bust to this point. If Isaac Bruce continues on his trek to the fountain of youth, it could push the Sharts even higher.

#5 Rich (3-2, W1, Previously #4) - This is almost by default that Rich ends up here and still in the top 5. He's the last of the teams with a winning record, parody be damned!!

#6 Craig (2-3, L1, Previously #9) - The muddled middle of our league has no real leader, but this is my column and I'm putting myself here for fun and to make someone else feel like shit. Big weeks are needed out of the RBs and WRs once again as the QB carousel reached it's 4th different starter last week.

#7 Mike (2-3, L1, Previously #8) - I continue to be amazed by the Skidmark misfortune. Still a playoff team, in my opinion. You're also below me because you spent 10 days boning in Cabo, asshole.

#8 Shawn (2-3, L2, Previously #7) - Since we last visited, Oops! has dropped two straight without much of a fight. Larry Johnson and Marshawn Lynch byes may spell further doom in week 6.

#9 Davis (2-3, L2, Previously #2) - This is probably way too low. I forgot I had him ranked #2 after week 3. Oops and double oops. Big problems for Adam, as he's posted only 69 and 85 points in consecutive weeks. Good thing for Adam is LT is starting to put together some solid games.

#10 Jonesy (1-4, W1, Previously #12) - Anal wins! Anal wins! Anal wins! Well, someone had to. He beat Dave in a battle of the bottom dwellers and moves himself out of the power ranking basement. Kyle Orton might be the pick-up of the season so far.

#11 Aaron (0-5, L5, Previously #11) - I like Aaron. He's cute.

#12 Dave (0-5, L5, Previously #10) - I like Dave too, but let's face it, he stinks at fantasy football. Non-titans collide in week 9 as Dave and Aaron finally play to see who's the worst in our league.

The Week 5 Tonys

I was in the pool!!!!

Alas we've come to the week 5 Tony awards. I'm bad at photoshop and bad at humor, but we're not here for comedy, right? Right!? Here's the list of some pretty big badasses that propelled their teams to victory in week 5...

Jordan def. Craig - And the Tony goes to Isaac Bruce. This old guy decided to have his best game of the year against the Patriots and made me look like a moron for starting Brian Griese over JT O'Sullivan. He wasn't Jordan's highest scorer, but he sealed the deal in the afternoon games after Colon Blow had built a healthy lead during the early games.

Melvin def. Aaron - And the Tony goes to Kurt Warner. This guy contemplated retirement after taking the blame for getting Aquan Boldin decapitated a week earlier. Then he decided he still wanted to play and led the Cards to a 41 point outburst that vaulted the Poopy Heads to a perfect 5-0 record. I'm pretty sure Melvin is glad you decided to stop being a pussy, Kurt.

Hefty def. Adam - And the Tony goes to Andre Johnson. Let's be honest. This award could have gone to a number of people on the Terrible Bowels. They shat all over the Dump Tanks in the most lopsided game of the week. I goes to Johnson because he finally had the type of game Hefty was expecting when he drafted him. The points will need to continue as Hefty's gem, Westbrook, is looking prrretty dicey for the coming weeks.

Jonesy def. Dave - And the Tony goes to Kyle Orton. WTF?! you say? Yes, the bearded wonder. Kyle Orton. I was sitting there last Thursday, trying to decide if I was going to pick up Griese or Orton. Brian was playing the team allowing the 3rd most fantasy points this season and Orton was playing a joke of a defense in Detroit. I went with Griese and it cost me the game. It won the game for Jonsey, as Orton accounted for nearly a quarter of his point total and got him off the schnide with a win.

Rich def. Mike - And the Tony goes to Brandon Jacobs. This dude wracked up 26.5 points and did almost all of his damage in the first half. Beastly. He got the Butt Pills on the right track in one of week 5's most hotly contested games. Thus far, Jacobs has been able to avoid the injury bug that has plagued him throughout his career.

Shelby def. Shawn - And the Tony goes to Peyton Manning. Not a spectacular scoring game from the golden boy, but no one on Shelby's team stood out. It was just consistent scoring all the way through the lineup. Manning was the beneficiary of one of the most ridiculous 4th quarter collapses ever as the Colts scored 3TDs in the final 5 minutes of the game to leave the Texans feeling like they just got ass-raped by Hurricane Ike, again.

Week 5 Power Rankings: Bend It Like Shelby

Miss Spears and our new Number 1 team have a lot in common.

I had a intro paragraph written here about how tough it is to judge teams, how the ball bounces your way one week, and the next it hits you in the ass, etc...
I ended up deleting it because it's cliche and tired. Yes, good teams lose from time to time. Bad teams win (except You Know Who) from time to time. Life goes on. Anyway, what I want to talk about instead of boring cliches is the fact that I just plunked down 40 dollars on FIFA 2008 instead of betting on the Patriots/Cowboys game as mentioned yesterday. As I saw it, when betting on the NFL, two outcomes were possible:
1. Lose. Become enraged.
2. Win. Get excited. Roll winnings over to next week's 'sure thing'. Lose. Become enraged.

You see? Both 1 and 2 had the same endgame. So I did what any logical human would do. I bought a video game of a sport I know little about based on rave reviews from Europeans. FIFA 2002 World Cup was a staple of 3302 Nittany Apts, so I figure 6 years later, the game has to be just as entertaining, if not more so. And if not, maybe I can snoop around online and see if there's a cheat code where David Beckham strips naked after every goal.

On to your Power Rankings. I've included a "streak" stat after each team's record. Helps my case a little bit.

1. Jordan (4-1, W3, Previously #3)
He's number 1 on this list, but he's a very vulnerable number 1. Manning and Reggie Wayne have the week off, Marion Barber plays the Patriots, and Shaun Alexander's personal battering ram, Mack Strong, is retiring after a neck injury. He's ripe for the picking, Rich.

2. Paul (4-1, W1, Previously #2)
He was ineligible to be voted number 1 this week. It's a one-week penalty for staging a walkout. Now let's never discuss it again.

3. Shawn (4-1, W1, Previously #4)
Randy Moss is this year's version of Tomlinson, right? Not that he's far and away the best player in the game, like LT was last year, but when you're playing him, you just wonder, "Well, hopefully they'll just hold him to 80 yards and a touchdown." He's sicknasty and the sky is the limit again this week in his most marquee game of the year.

4. Hefty (3-2, L1, Previously #1)
Welcome back Carson Palmer and Adrian Peterson!! Let's just say the dropoff to Matt Schaub and Jerrious Norwood last week was noticable. That's putting it kindly. Thank God I didn't actually have to watch those full grown fallopian tubes play on Sunday. Thanks for the good players, Mike.

5. Aaron (4-1, W2, Previously #6)
The Steelers D bye will end up costing you dearly. In other news, Maurice Jones-Drew scored a touchdown last week!! Good for him! Jacksonville's a strange team. I don't think I've had any real reason to acknowledge that they exist this season. I don't own any of their players, I don't want any of their players, I don't remember going up against any of their players, and I haven't seen them on TV other than maybe 1 or 2 times on NFL Live highlights. And yet somehow they're 3-1? Totally under my radar.

6. Rich (3-2, W3, Previously #10)
Some interesting stashes on Rich's bench. Does he know something we don't?? Maybe. Why else would Terry Glenn and JP Losman still have a roster spot. Glenn hasn't played a down this year, and JP Losman is:
A: Hurt
B: A Buffalo Bill
C: Crappy when he's not hurt
D: Not necessarily the starter when he's done being hurt.
E: On a bye this week

7. Melvin (1-4, L2, Previously #5)
A quick glance at the Big Fella's lineup shows us that Empty, WR is going for his second straight Chumley this weekend. By week's end, Reggie Williams will probably beat out Empty for the starting spot, but it shouldn't make much of a difference.
***Loud Sirens***
Hey-O! That siren means it's time for "Hefty Gets Pwn3d by an Untalented Wide Receiver!!!" This week's contestant is Reggie Williams of Jacksonville. Let's see if he makes me eat my words just like Jerry Porter and Patrick Crayton did. 60 minutes on the clock, Reggie. Go!!!

8. Shelby (2-3, L1, Previously #7)
Something to celebrate: Shelby is currently #1 on the waiver wire order. It's all going according to plan, isn't it, Shelbs?! We're all just pawns in your brilliant chess game.

9. Mike (2-3, L1, Previously #8)
Not a Typo: Aaron Stecker, RB1.
Also Not a Typo: Kevin Faulk, RB2.

10. Craig (2-3, L2, Previously #9)
The Kurt Warner Era begins! This was actually a really good pickup. Somebody in my other league just paid $65 out of a $500 salary cap to get him.

11. Deewaan (1-4, W1, Previously #11)
If Deewaan beats me, I will come into work with a Domino's Oreo Dessert Pizza Mustache for the entire week. And if I beat him, I will come into work with a Domino's Oreo Dessert Pizza Taint. I can't lose!!!!

12. Adam (0-5, L5, Previously #12)
In my everyday conversations, I've began replacing the word "Twelve" with "Adam". It just feels natural.
"Hey Hefty, how many eggs in a dozen?"
"Adam. There are Adam eggs in a dozen."

Without Further Ado, Your Week 5 Chumleys

Bartender, please cut that statue off, it's clearly had too much to drink...

So another week in the rear-view mirror now, and we've got our second straight set of low-scoring affairs. Everybody's now gotten to take their first sip of victory this season, except for You Know Who, and this is when things start getting interesting. The injury list is long and contains many significant names. The key to the rest of the season is making smart lineup decisions and playing the all-important waiver wire like a well-tuned fiddle. Let's see which players were the keys to victory for their teams this weekend.

Game 1: N. Korea def. Chicago - And the Chumley goes to...
Patrick G-D Crayton, WR, Dal. Let's see if you're picking up on a theme here: blog provokes wide receiver generally thought to be crappy, previously-thought-crappy receiver then turns in big time numbers, leads team to victory, receiver wins Chumley, blogger hangs head in excessive amounts of shame. Last week was Jerry Porter's moment in the sun, this week, Patrick Crayton was the one getting his comeuppance. I'd type more about Crayfish, but it's awkward typing around my leg when my foot's in my mouth.

Game 2: Diseased Nuts def. Areolas - And the Chumley goes to...
Steelers D. Last week in the power rankings I made a comment about Nick Folk and the Pittsburgh D. I think my tone was misinterpreted. I was actually commenting that these were two of A-Rep's most important pieces, and questioning the rest of the team. It probably didn't come out as such. Anyway, Blitzburgh stopped the Seahawks dead in their tracks this week, and allowed Aaron to do the same to Craig. This is the Steel Curtain's second Chumley.

Game 3: Canada def. T-Bags - And the Chumley goes to...
Chargers D. Monster game for the Merrimans this weekend. They were able to hold Denver to 3 points in Mile High, and anybody who did the city of Denver emotional damage this weekend is a winner in my book. The Bolts piled on 22 points, which were needed to keep pace with Shelby, whose Patriots D scored 21 points of their own.

Game 4: Jabroc def. Larry Craig - And the Chumley goes to...
Larry Fitzgerald, WR, Ari. What happens when Anquan Boldin isn't around, and Kurt Warner regains his early 2000's form? Well, for Fitzgerald this weekend, it meant 9 catches for 136 and a TD. Leinart went on the IR earlier this week, and it will now be all Warner all the time for Arizona. This can only be good for the stock of Fitzgerald, and eventually Boldin when he returns.
While we're sort of on the topic here, can somebody explain the Leinart-Warner platoon scenario to me? You've got one quarterback who you play when you've got the lead because they run better out of a ball control offense (read: handing off to Edgerrin James and wasting time in the huddle), and one quarterback who you play when you're losing and you need a spark (read: not huddling up, and getting the ball to two of the best WRs in football). So...why not jut play the guy who can leads the comebacks all the time? Theoretically, if he's so good at moving the offense, you wouldn't be playing from behind, would you? I don't know.
Second sidenote: Good to see our boy Rod Hood scoring a touchdown this weekend. I'm sure that made Shelby's day.

Game 5: Hawaii def. Holidaysburg - And the Chumley goes to...
Empty, WR - Let's face it. You don't really deserve a Chumley here since Craig set your lineup. And the fact that you won with 8 active players over Adam's 9 is pretty funny. So let's reward the empty wide receiver spot, who contributed nothing, yet provided us sheer comedy value.

Game 6: Delaware def. Bisbee - And the Chumley goes to...
Plaxico Burress, WR, NYG - Plaxico's been the best WR not named Randy Moss this season, and he continued his asskicking season with 124 yards and TD this weekend in the Battle of New York. If Burress is playing this well with a sprained ankle, the sky is pretty much the limit for him when completely healthy. Then again, before the advent of Aspirin, marijuana was the most widely prescribed medication for pain relief. So...maybe Plax doesn't feel anything anyway.

Congratulations to the two defenses, the three receivers, and of course, Empty.

Week 5 Photo Finishes: 60 Stretch Far Le-HUUUUUH!!!!!

Not tonight, you no-name fluke...

Well, 13/14ths of Week 5 are now in the books. As I stated before, I didn't see any of it, so for me, this is the whole shebang. Really, this is the perfect storm for me. I get to do three of my favorite things tonight.
1. Watch football from the couch.
2. Cheer against the Cowboys.
3. Cheer against those particular Cowboys whom I'm playing against in fantasy.

Sounds like a fantastic night for me. Let's see who else will be glued to tonight's telecast.

Game 1: Aaron (Nick Folk and a 19.9 point lead) vs. Craig (Terrell Owens and the Cowboys D)
Analysis - I tried verifying this using ESPN.com's NFL stat splits, found them too cumbersome, and decided to post what we're all thinking: Terrell Owens is the kind of guy who seems like he enjoys playing well in games where everybody's watching him. This is a Monday Night audience, this is a game that will likely be over at halftime, this is a game where people will start tuning out if things get ugly. Having said that, Owens will be begging/pleading/performing unspeakable acts to Tony Romo to get him the ball early and often so they can watch him strut his stuff before they all flip over to watch Heroes. My guesstimate: Romo and Owens hook up for touchdowns on the first two series for the Cowboys, the Cowboys D picks off rookie Trent Edwards and runs it in for a score late, and Nick Folk is called on mostly to add extra points. Having said all that, I'll say Craigger wins by a few points.

Game 2: Jon (12.5 point lead) vs. Jordan (Marion Barber and Patrick Crayton)
Analysis - If the Romo & TO show clicks as well as I expect it to early on, that means the Cowboys do a good bit of running later in the game. That's probably where I lose this one. Taking a peek at his 2007 splits, Barber runs much better in the second half, and when he gets 10 or more carries. Bottom line, unless the Bills offense can keep things close, or the Cowboys feel more comfortable handing to JuJo, I'll end up losing this one, most likely sometime shortly after midnight when it's the most devestating. Patrick Crayton is a right place, right time kind of receiver in this offense, but as I said, I think most of Romo's balls end up in T.O.'s hands tonight. Heh heh.

Game 3: Richard (Tony Romo, Lee Evans, and a 7 point lead) vs. Matt (Jason Witten)
Analysis - Although still technically up for contention, it is statistically impossible for Matt to win this one unless Romo gets knocked out of the game early, and Brad Johnson takes over. I'll just assume that won't happen. Red Hot Richard wins his third in a row.

Game 4: Dave (Julius Jones and a 18.4 point lead) vs. Mike (Marshawn Lynch)
Analysis - Lynch will outscore Jones, but not by 18.4 points. The Bills will have to abandon the ground game if this game gets out of hand. Dave hangs on and wins his first game of the season. Celebrating this monumental acheivement, he buys a round of body shots for all the fellas down at the Purple Parrot and winds up losing his "other" V card. You know, the brown one.

Monday Site News: Sleepy Kitten Edition

Cute!! Super Cute!!!!!!!!!!!!

Site News:

Today is Monday morning. You're used to seeing hard-hitting-double-teaming-bloggery from Mike and I. Like that first sip of coffee during the work week, you crave it. You need it. You're not sure you can start the day without it.

But you're not getting it this week.

I had to work from 12-8 yesterday, which is unequivocably my favorite 8 hour window in the entire week. Normally I'd be glued to both the TV and the Fantasycast, checking up on all the fantasy comings and goings, preparing myself to bang out one hell of a "Bajingos and Sasquatches" column. Instead, I was sneaking away to my Prius every thirty minutes to try to catch game updates on AM radio, while ducking stray gunfire in West Philadelphia. Needless to say, these two experiences are not all that similar. I caught maybe 10 minutes of the Bears-Packers game when I got home, but all in all, I missed the entirety of Sunday's action.
All hope is not lost, however, as I'll have a Photo Finishes column up today, previewing the Dallas-Buffalo game (read: blowout) tonight.

Also, there's no MMSY today. If you all ask nicely, there may be one next week.

But hey, at least you get to look at an adorable kitten.

A-Rep's Week 5 Crystal Ball

Aaron looks into the future with the help of Saruman The White.

Editor's Note: It appears that the Games of The Week feature is back! Aaron will be tackling this weekend's top matchups to see who's got a leg up. Enjoy.

GAMES TO WATCH!!!!

Runner up…Hawaii McLovin at MichaelPJackson
Why this game do you ask? Well, I looked at this and thought…OH…INTENSE BROTHER RIVALRY…
And then I thought some more about how their pregame conversations might sound…
“oh brother! Let me tell you again how funny your team name is!!!”
“oh brother! You’re too kind! ‘tis your team name that is funniest of all the names in the land!!”
“you’re the best! I can’t stand the thought of beating you this week! :-(”
“GUESS WHAT!!!! I was thinking the same thing! OMG! We think so much alike!!!! I can’t stand the thought of beating you!!!””
“Giggle! Let’s bench our entire teams so that we tie!!”
“you are as smart as you are cute brother. I agree! TIE WE WILL!”

This brings me to my pick for GAME of the WEEK…
Kinda of obvious but…KIM JONG AT GRYLLS
This game is a pivotal game for control of division supremacy and the all important race to clinch a coveted playoff spot. Let’s delve slightly…
Let’s face it…there is a nasty dog fight goin’ on in the evil kingdom of the decepticons. Hefty needs this win to stay atop of the pack. Especially for reign of the A.P.T.S.!!! And it’s pretty much a given that I am gonna beat craig this week. Jordan needs this win. If me and hefty come out this week with W’s…the APTS gain immunity from being kicked off the island and also get a free pass to tell more inside jokes through the blog.

Important Side note:
Pay close attention to the Junk Jabber at Fritzs game. Besides the fact that Larry Craig’s under the stall foot rubbing might get him lucky against the jabber boyz, the fritzs also have a tough 1-3 record due to some tough matchups. I think we all have the feeling that the Quad D’s and the Holiday teddy bears don’t have a shot at the playoffs…but if the fritz’s fall to 1-4, it’ll be an awfully tough climb back into the playoff race.