Without Further Ado, Your Week 5 Chumleys

Bartender, please cut that statue off, it's clearly had too much to drink...

So another week in the rear-view mirror now, and we've got our second straight set of low-scoring affairs. Everybody's now gotten to take their first sip of victory this season, except for You Know Who, and this is when things start getting interesting. The injury list is long and contains many significant names. The key to the rest of the season is making smart lineup decisions and playing the all-important waiver wire like a well-tuned fiddle. Let's see which players were the keys to victory for their teams this weekend.

Game 1: N. Korea def. Chicago - And the Chumley goes to...
Patrick G-D Crayton, WR, Dal. Let's see if you're picking up on a theme here: blog provokes wide receiver generally thought to be crappy, previously-thought-crappy receiver then turns in big time numbers, leads team to victory, receiver wins Chumley, blogger hangs head in excessive amounts of shame. Last week was Jerry Porter's moment in the sun, this week, Patrick Crayton was the one getting his comeuppance. I'd type more about Crayfish, but it's awkward typing around my leg when my foot's in my mouth.

Game 2: Diseased Nuts def. Areolas - And the Chumley goes to...
Steelers D. Last week in the power rankings I made a comment about Nick Folk and the Pittsburgh D. I think my tone was misinterpreted. I was actually commenting that these were two of A-Rep's most important pieces, and questioning the rest of the team. It probably didn't come out as such. Anyway, Blitzburgh stopped the Seahawks dead in their tracks this week, and allowed Aaron to do the same to Craig. This is the Steel Curtain's second Chumley.

Game 3: Canada def. T-Bags - And the Chumley goes to...
Chargers D. Monster game for the Merrimans this weekend. They were able to hold Denver to 3 points in Mile High, and anybody who did the city of Denver emotional damage this weekend is a winner in my book. The Bolts piled on 22 points, which were needed to keep pace with Shelby, whose Patriots D scored 21 points of their own.

Game 4: Jabroc def. Larry Craig - And the Chumley goes to...
Larry Fitzgerald, WR, Ari. What happens when Anquan Boldin isn't around, and Kurt Warner regains his early 2000's form? Well, for Fitzgerald this weekend, it meant 9 catches for 136 and a TD. Leinart went on the IR earlier this week, and it will now be all Warner all the time for Arizona. This can only be good for the stock of Fitzgerald, and eventually Boldin when he returns.
While we're sort of on the topic here, can somebody explain the Leinart-Warner platoon scenario to me? You've got one quarterback who you play when you've got the lead because they run better out of a ball control offense (read: handing off to Edgerrin James and wasting time in the huddle), and one quarterback who you play when you're losing and you need a spark (read: not huddling up, and getting the ball to two of the best WRs in football). So...why not jut play the guy who can leads the comebacks all the time? Theoretically, if he's so good at moving the offense, you wouldn't be playing from behind, would you? I don't know.
Second sidenote: Good to see our boy Rod Hood scoring a touchdown this weekend. I'm sure that made Shelby's day.

Game 5: Hawaii def. Holidaysburg - And the Chumley goes to...
Empty, WR - Let's face it. You don't really deserve a Chumley here since Craig set your lineup. And the fact that you won with 8 active players over Adam's 9 is pretty funny. So let's reward the empty wide receiver spot, who contributed nothing, yet provided us sheer comedy value.

Game 6: Delaware def. Bisbee - And the Chumley goes to...
Plaxico Burress, WR, NYG - Plaxico's been the best WR not named Randy Moss this season, and he continued his asskicking season with 124 yards and TD this weekend in the Battle of New York. If Burress is playing this well with a sprained ankle, the sky is pretty much the limit for him when completely healthy. Then again, before the advent of Aspirin, marijuana was the most widely prescribed medication for pain relief. So...maybe Plax doesn't feel anything anyway.

Congratulations to the two defenses, the three receivers, and of course, Empty.

And The Chumley Goes To...

It's time to hand out some well-earned hardware.
.

First of all, right off the bat, no punches pulled, let me just congratulate Dave Wanner on the phenomenal photoshoppery that you see above. I asked Dave to modify the Heisman in such a way that it beared the head of one of our league members, and he came through. You're a good man, sir.

Now, a word about the following column. When watching the VMA's the other night, I decided that there just aren't enough arbitrary awards being handed out in this world. Is Fall Out Boy definitely better than the White Stripes? I never thought so, but MTV says otherwise, so I guess I was wrong all along! Not wanting to miss out on the fun, I've decided to reward some NFL players with the official award of Fisting Jerry Dunn.

My first step was choosing a name. It seemed that most of the other names of awards were all gay sounding and ended in 'y'. The Emmy, the Tony, the Grammy, etc. I didn't want to break that rich tradition, so I went with the gayest word ending in 'y' that I could think of, Chumley.

From there I had to come up with criteria for the Chumley. What I've decided to do is hand out 6 Chumleys after every week of game. The Chumley will go to the most exceptional player on each of the 6 winning fantasy teams each week. I've decided that in this case, 'exceptional' means the following:

-Player put up a massive amount of points

-Player far outperformed expectations of self

-Player gave fantasy team a significant advantage at one position

-Player made a badass play that resulted in extra fantasy points

With these criteria in mind, I will now announce the first weekly Chumley award winners for the 2007 season. Each player's Chumleys will be carefully tabulated throughout the season, and the player with the most Chumley awards will be designated Fisting Jerry Dunn's Most Valuable Player. That player will likely get a pizza party at Chuck E. Cheez or something equally lame. The budget's tight here this season. Now, let's get on with the awards.

Game 1: Mike def. Craig - And the Chumley goes to...

Antonio Gates, TE, San Diego. Antonio gave Mike a much needed cushion at tight end, outscoring counterpart Ben Watson by more than 12 points.

Game 2: Hefty def. Melvin - And the Chumley goes to...
Marshawn Lynch, RB, Buffalo. Marshawn came out with both guns blazing in his first NFL game against a tough Denver defense and racked up 90+ rushing yards and a 23 yard touchdown.

Game 3: Aaron def. Rich - And the Chumley goes to...
Steelers, D/ST, Pittsburgh. The Steel Curtain was as effective in fantasy as it was in the real NFL, racking up 22 points in a severe beatdown on the Cleveland Browns.

Game 4: Shawn def. Aaron - And the Chumley goes to...
Randy Moss, WR, New England. Moss led the league in receiving yards, and reeled in a 51 yard touchdown in his first game as a Patriot.

Game 5: Slimmy def. Dave - And the Chumley goes to...

LaMont Jordan, RB, Oak. ESPN.com's least favorite running back on draft day turned into quite a valuable commodity for young Slims, as he was the second highest scoring running back in our league.

Game 6: Jordan def. Shelby - And the Chumley goes to...
Reggie Wayne, WR, Ind. Reggie's monster game on Thursday night gave Jordan a lead that he never gave back up in cruising to a season opening win.

Congratulations to all the winners. As the season progresses, I'll have a Chumley tracker that shows the leaderboard. For now, it's easy! They all have 1!!