Week 11: Power Rankings + Chumleys = POWER CHUMLEYS!!!

I took the liberty of slightly modifying Dave's original. Shelby, this holiday season, may you be teabagged umercilessly by the entire offensive line of the Miami Dolphins (the league's fattest!!).

Well, fantasy nerds, it's a very short week here at ALSAP!!, as I head west in just a few hours to spend Thanksgiving out in Pittsburgh. As such, Power Rankings and Chumleys will be combined into one breakneck paced column I like to call POWER CHUMLEYS!!! Please contain your excitement and bladder, and join me for our weekly look around the league.

1. Shawn (9-2, W2, Previous #1)
Week 11 Chumley recipient: Randy Moss, WR, NE. This is Randy's 4th Chumley. Moss grabbed 4 touchdowns Sunday night, in the first half alone.
Playoff Prognosis: Clinched.

2. Rich (8-3, W3, Previous #2)
Week 11 Chumley recipient: Tony Romo, QB, Dal. Last year's Thanksgiving game was the official coming out party for the Romosexuals. With an easy matchup against the J-E-T-S on Thursday, there could be more of the same in store.
Playoff Prognosis: Clinched.

3. Slims (8-3, W1, Previous #3)
Week 11 Chumley recipient: Andre Johnson, WR, Hou. It's scary to think that Slimmy's third best WR might be Chad Johnson, although Chad hasn't scored since Week 2, so I think that's pretty accurate.
Playoff Prognosis: Clinched.

4. Hefty (6-5, L2, Previous #4)
Wrong time in the season to start a losing streak. The fact that I'm having a tough time deciding between Matt Schaub and Carson Palmer this week tells you that things haven't gone as well for my second round pick as I would have liked.
Fun Fact: I've also traded away my third and fourth round picks, and my fifth round pick is hurt. If not for some brilliantly unexpected WR play out of Braylon and Welker, I'd be hovering around 3-8 right now.
Playoff Prognosis: Can clinch with a win.

5. Aaron (7-4, L1, Previous #5)
Ladies and gentlemen, we've officially found our panicked GM at the trade deadline. I like to imagine Aaron at home, pacing around the room with a carton of Marlboro Reds, staring at a big rotary telephone, screaming at it to try to make it ring. Relax, A-Rep. Donald Lee does not a championship team make.
Playoff Prognosis: Clinched.

6. Jordan (6-5, W1, Previous #8)
Week 11 Chumley recipient: Brandon Marshall, WR, Den. Marshall not only caught a touchdown on MNF sealing the win over Aaron, but he actually was Jordan's highest scorer with 13.9 points.
Playoff Prognosis: Can clinch with a win.

7. Craig (5-6, W3, Previous #7)
Week 11 Chumley recipient: Terrell Owens, WR, Dal. Extreme badassery out of Owens this week. It's hard to admit this, but as an Eagles fan, it's almost better to root for the Cowboys in divisional matchups on the basis that the Eagles need a lot of help to make the playoffs. Having said that, I'll be hurling turkey bones and egg nog at the television on Thursday if Owens has another monster game tomorrow.
Playoff Prognosis: Controls his own destiny.

8. Shelby (5-6, L1, Previous #6)
I know I've mentioned this before, but it's embarrasing that on draft night I was given Brett Favre by ESPN.com and I raised a stink so I could go back and draft Rex Grossman. That's a major kick in the sack.
By the way, how about the Lions playing a game on Thanksgiving you're actually excited to watch? GB @ Det is finally a relevant game, and it kicks off at 12:30, which means I have to eat even more piggishly to get down to the in-laws basement to watch TV.
Playoff Prognosis: Controls his own destiny.

9. Adam (4-7, W2, Previous #10)
Week 11 Chumley recipient: Tom Brady, QB, NE. If you haven't seen it, go over to Kissing Suzy Kolber and watch the youtube clip of Andrea Kremer interviewing Tom Brady. It's almost impossible that a 17 second clip could be so uncomfortably awkward, but it most definitely is.
Playoff Prognosis: Needs help.

10. Mike (4-7, L3, Previous #9)
What's your record since getting engaged? Just curious.
As Mickey famously quipped in 'Rocky': "Women weaken legs." And by "legs", I think he was talking about "quality of life in general".
Playoff Prognosis: Needs help.

11. Dave (3-8, L3, Previous #11)
Ok, so your team sucks. At least you're gorgeous. What I wouldn't give to stick a couple fistfulls of stuffing in your cavity tomorrow morning.
Playoff Prognosis: Needs a borderline miracle.
Male Model Prognosis: So hot right now.

12. Melvin (1-10, L8, Previous #12)
Playoff Prognosis: Not a friggin chance.

Happy Thanksgiving Everybody!

Back To Business: Week 7 Chumleys

Repucci flashes an ice grill after beating Slimmy and climbing to the top of his division.

OK, enough of this birthday autofellatio nonsense, we's got some work to do. Although I always hate handing these out when I lose, the show must go on. Here are the stars that shone brightest in Week 7.

Game 1: Rich def. Hefty - And the Chumley goes to...
Santonio Holmes, WR, Pit - When in doubt, go with the guy who drove the last nail in the coffin. That's Chumley Tiebreaker Number 5. Due to a whirlwind weekend at State College, I didn't get home until about an hour before kickoff of the Steelers-Broncos game. And since I hadn't yet watched the Eagles debacle, I didn't check any fantasy scores. I watched the game on DVR, and then flipped open my laptop sometime in the second quarter of Steelers-Broncos at which point I was winning by about 4 points. A few minutes into the second half, Santonio caught a touchdown and drove the nail in my coffin. Santonio had a decent game, catching 6 balls for 54 yards and a touchdown. A case could also be made for Andre Davis, but I'm making the executive decision and going with Santonio.

Game 2: Deewaan def. Melvin - And the Chumley goes to...
LenDale White, RB, Ten - LenDale White refused to receive this award after he found out it was inedible. But seriously, LenDale White?! Indeed it's true. LenDale carried 27 times for 104 yards and a touchdown in Sunday's shootout win against the Texans. White piled up 22.5 points for Dave's squad, but wasn't even the most valuable Titan. That would be Rob Bironas, who was 8-8 on field goal tries.
This performance makes me all the more frustrated that we traded up with the Titans in 2006 to take Winston Justice in the second round, while they used our pick to take LenDale. I've always loved the big fella. He's a pile pusher.

Game 3: Aaron def. Slimmy - And the Chumley goes to...
Laver-anus Coles, WR, NYJ - This probably shouldn't count since he was playing the Bengals, but Coles posted 8 catches, 133 yards, and 2 TDs. Coles has quietly put together a nice season, as he now has 6 touchdowns on the year, and has scored 10 or more points in 5 games this season.

Game 4: Adam def. Craig - And the Chumley goes to...
Tom Brady, QB, NE - I suppose 21/25, 354 yards, 6 touchdowns, 0 interceptions is a decent day for a quarterback. But I say that Brady is too one-dimensional to make an impact in the NFL long-term. You want to hear his rushing stats??? 0 carries for 0 yards. Pathetic. Defensive coordinators will soon figure out that all he does is throw the ball, and that's when they'll pull the rug out from under the Patriots offensive scheme.

Game 5: Shawn def. Jordan - And the Chumley goes to...
Randy Moss, WR, NE - Looking back on things, it's pretty unbelievable that nobody else saw this coming. Sure, Moss can be disruptive (read: super black) at times, but there was no way that he wasn't still talented enough to become an elite wideout again. He made Culpepper look like John Elway, and we saw what happened to Pep once he lost Moss. He stunk for a while, then blew out his knee, changed teams twice, and still can't get a grasp on a starting role. With the G-D Raiders!! Meanwhile, Randy's in Cali playing with Kerry Collins and Aaron Brooks and Marques Tuisasopo and Andrew Walter, and we wonder why he's not lighting up secondaries anymore. So then you put him with an established passer, and what happens? Well, he's on pace to destroy the receiving touchdown record and lead a team to 16-0 and a Super Bowl win. Gee, that's all??

Game 6: Mike def. Shelby - And the Chumley goes to...
Cowboys, D/ST, Dal - Although I hate them because 1) they're the Cowboys, and 2) they held Adrian Peterson in check most of the day, you've got to applaud the effort by Big D's Big D. Dallas's D allowed 7 points, and returned a blocked field goal for a touchdown of their own. Even better, they broke Tavaris Jackson's finger on his passing hand, leading towards the inevitable scenario where Kelly Holcomb ends up starting this game and beats us after we traded him away in the preseason.

Congratulations to all the winners, and somebody tell Randy to start getting his acceptance speech ready for the end of the season.

Handing Out Some Hardware: Week 3 Chumleys

For beating me, Craig's reward is his face on the prestigious Chumley.

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So Week 3 is now in the books and I'm proud to announce that this Chumley race is starting to show its first signs of life. Two of today's recipients have already won this coveted award, making them our first Two-Time-Chumley recipients. Who are they? Let's find out.
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Game 1: Craig def. Hefty - And the Chumley goes to...
Brian Westbrook, RB, Phi - If you watched the Eagles game this weekend, this one is obvious. Westbrook was clearly the most talented player on the field, rushing and receiving for 221 total yards. He also made three trips to the end zone. Unbelievable game after missing most of last week's practice. This is Brian's second Chumley award.
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Game 2: Rich def. Adam - And the Chumley goes to...
Reggie Bush, RB, NO - I put a little more emphasis on the players in Monday Night games. They feel more dramatic for fantasy purposes. Tony Romo put up better numbers, but Reggie Bush sealed the deal for Rich last night. As I predicted yesterday in 'Photo Finishes', Bush hit paydirt (twice) and propelled Rich to his first win of the season. Bush will now be getting the lion's share of the work in New Orleans after Deuce McAllister's knee injury, which is rumored to be a season ending ACL tear (sorry, Mike!).
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Game 3: Slims def. Shelby - And the Chumley goes to...
Philip Rivers, QB, SD - There were a couple worthy recipients on Paul's team, but Rivers put up 31.8 points as opposed to Shelby's quarterback, Marc Bulger, putting up -0.3. Rivers looks like he's finally developing into a trustworthy fantasy quarterback, putting up 5 passing touchdowns over the last two weeks against two solid defenses.

Game 4: Melvin def. Mike - And the Chumley goes to...
Ronnie Brown, RB, Mia - The big guy finally shows his potential with what is by far his best game as a pro. My take is that he's still too inconsistent to trust with a starting spot every week, but you certainly can't argue with a game like the one he had Sunday. Brown narrowly edges out McNabb because in my opinion, the Ronnie Brown stats were more WTF worthy.

Game 5: Shawn def. Aaron - And the Chumley goes to...
Randy Moss, WR, NE - Moss continues his assault on the AFC defensive backs with his third straight 100 yard game and second straight two touchdown game. He is currently the top ranked wide receiver in the game, but more importantly, he is now also a two-time Chumley award winner.

Game 6: Jordan def. Deewaan - And the Chumley goes to...
Marion Barber, RB, Dal - Barber picks up where he left off last season, which is making frequent trips to the end zone. He scored for the third straight game this season, and more importantly, for the first time all year, he got more carries than Julius Jones. Add in his first 100 yard rushing game of the season, and what's not to love here?

Congratulations to all our recipients, and keep posted for the updated Chumley Watch standings.

And The Chumley Goes To...

It's time to hand out some well-earned hardware.
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First of all, right off the bat, no punches pulled, let me just congratulate Dave Wanner on the phenomenal photoshoppery that you see above. I asked Dave to modify the Heisman in such a way that it beared the head of one of our league members, and he came through. You're a good man, sir.

Now, a word about the following column. When watching the VMA's the other night, I decided that there just aren't enough arbitrary awards being handed out in this world. Is Fall Out Boy definitely better than the White Stripes? I never thought so, but MTV says otherwise, so I guess I was wrong all along! Not wanting to miss out on the fun, I've decided to reward some NFL players with the official award of Fisting Jerry Dunn.

My first step was choosing a name. It seemed that most of the other names of awards were all gay sounding and ended in 'y'. The Emmy, the Tony, the Grammy, etc. I didn't want to break that rich tradition, so I went with the gayest word ending in 'y' that I could think of, Chumley.

From there I had to come up with criteria for the Chumley. What I've decided to do is hand out 6 Chumleys after every week of game. The Chumley will go to the most exceptional player on each of the 6 winning fantasy teams each week. I've decided that in this case, 'exceptional' means the following:

-Player put up a massive amount of points

-Player far outperformed expectations of self

-Player gave fantasy team a significant advantage at one position

-Player made a badass play that resulted in extra fantasy points

With these criteria in mind, I will now announce the first weekly Chumley award winners for the 2007 season. Each player's Chumleys will be carefully tabulated throughout the season, and the player with the most Chumley awards will be designated Fisting Jerry Dunn's Most Valuable Player. That player will likely get a pizza party at Chuck E. Cheez or something equally lame. The budget's tight here this season. Now, let's get on with the awards.

Game 1: Mike def. Craig - And the Chumley goes to...

Antonio Gates, TE, San Diego. Antonio gave Mike a much needed cushion at tight end, outscoring counterpart Ben Watson by more than 12 points.

Game 2: Hefty def. Melvin - And the Chumley goes to...
Marshawn Lynch, RB, Buffalo. Marshawn came out with both guns blazing in his first NFL game against a tough Denver defense and racked up 90+ rushing yards and a 23 yard touchdown.

Game 3: Aaron def. Rich - And the Chumley goes to...
Steelers, D/ST, Pittsburgh. The Steel Curtain was as effective in fantasy as it was in the real NFL, racking up 22 points in a severe beatdown on the Cleveland Browns.

Game 4: Shawn def. Aaron - And the Chumley goes to...
Randy Moss, WR, New England. Moss led the league in receiving yards, and reeled in a 51 yard touchdown in his first game as a Patriot.

Game 5: Slimmy def. Dave - And the Chumley goes to...

LaMont Jordan, RB, Oak. ESPN.com's least favorite running back on draft day turned into quite a valuable commodity for young Slims, as he was the second highest scoring running back in our league.

Game 6: Jordan def. Shelby - And the Chumley goes to...
Reggie Wayne, WR, Ind. Reggie's monster game on Thursday night gave Jordan a lead that he never gave back up in cruising to a season opening win.

Congratulations to all the winners. As the season progresses, I'll have a Chumley tracker that shows the leaderboard. For now, it's easy! They all have 1!!