Week 11: Power Rankings + Chumleys = POWER CHUMLEYS!!!

I took the liberty of slightly modifying Dave's original. Shelby, this holiday season, may you be teabagged umercilessly by the entire offensive line of the Miami Dolphins (the league's fattest!!).

Well, fantasy nerds, it's a very short week here at ALSAP!!, as I head west in just a few hours to spend Thanksgiving out in Pittsburgh. As such, Power Rankings and Chumleys will be combined into one breakneck paced column I like to call POWER CHUMLEYS!!! Please contain your excitement and bladder, and join me for our weekly look around the league.

1. Shawn (9-2, W2, Previous #1)
Week 11 Chumley recipient: Randy Moss, WR, NE. This is Randy's 4th Chumley. Moss grabbed 4 touchdowns Sunday night, in the first half alone.
Playoff Prognosis: Clinched.

2. Rich (8-3, W3, Previous #2)
Week 11 Chumley recipient: Tony Romo, QB, Dal. Last year's Thanksgiving game was the official coming out party for the Romosexuals. With an easy matchup against the J-E-T-S on Thursday, there could be more of the same in store.
Playoff Prognosis: Clinched.

3. Slims (8-3, W1, Previous #3)
Week 11 Chumley recipient: Andre Johnson, WR, Hou. It's scary to think that Slimmy's third best WR might be Chad Johnson, although Chad hasn't scored since Week 2, so I think that's pretty accurate.
Playoff Prognosis: Clinched.

4. Hefty (6-5, L2, Previous #4)
Wrong time in the season to start a losing streak. The fact that I'm having a tough time deciding between Matt Schaub and Carson Palmer this week tells you that things haven't gone as well for my second round pick as I would have liked.
Fun Fact: I've also traded away my third and fourth round picks, and my fifth round pick is hurt. If not for some brilliantly unexpected WR play out of Braylon and Welker, I'd be hovering around 3-8 right now.
Playoff Prognosis: Can clinch with a win.

5. Aaron (7-4, L1, Previous #5)
Ladies and gentlemen, we've officially found our panicked GM at the trade deadline. I like to imagine Aaron at home, pacing around the room with a carton of Marlboro Reds, staring at a big rotary telephone, screaming at it to try to make it ring. Relax, A-Rep. Donald Lee does not a championship team make.
Playoff Prognosis: Clinched.

6. Jordan (6-5, W1, Previous #8)
Week 11 Chumley recipient: Brandon Marshall, WR, Den. Marshall not only caught a touchdown on MNF sealing the win over Aaron, but he actually was Jordan's highest scorer with 13.9 points.
Playoff Prognosis: Can clinch with a win.

7. Craig (5-6, W3, Previous #7)
Week 11 Chumley recipient: Terrell Owens, WR, Dal. Extreme badassery out of Owens this week. It's hard to admit this, but as an Eagles fan, it's almost better to root for the Cowboys in divisional matchups on the basis that the Eagles need a lot of help to make the playoffs. Having said that, I'll be hurling turkey bones and egg nog at the television on Thursday if Owens has another monster game tomorrow.
Playoff Prognosis: Controls his own destiny.

8. Shelby (5-6, L1, Previous #6)
I know I've mentioned this before, but it's embarrasing that on draft night I was given Brett Favre by ESPN.com and I raised a stink so I could go back and draft Rex Grossman. That's a major kick in the sack.
By the way, how about the Lions playing a game on Thanksgiving you're actually excited to watch? GB @ Det is finally a relevant game, and it kicks off at 12:30, which means I have to eat even more piggishly to get down to the in-laws basement to watch TV.
Playoff Prognosis: Controls his own destiny.

9. Adam (4-7, W2, Previous #10)
Week 11 Chumley recipient: Tom Brady, QB, NE. If you haven't seen it, go over to Kissing Suzy Kolber and watch the youtube clip of Andrea Kremer interviewing Tom Brady. It's almost impossible that a 17 second clip could be so uncomfortably awkward, but it most definitely is.
Playoff Prognosis: Needs help.

10. Mike (4-7, L3, Previous #9)
What's your record since getting engaged? Just curious.
As Mickey famously quipped in 'Rocky': "Women weaken legs." And by "legs", I think he was talking about "quality of life in general".
Playoff Prognosis: Needs help.

11. Dave (3-8, L3, Previous #11)
Ok, so your team sucks. At least you're gorgeous. What I wouldn't give to stick a couple fistfulls of stuffing in your cavity tomorrow morning.
Playoff Prognosis: Needs a borderline miracle.
Male Model Prognosis: So hot right now.

12. Melvin (1-10, L8, Previous #12)
Playoff Prognosis: Not a friggin chance.

Happy Thanksgiving Everybody!

Back To Business: Week 7 Chumleys

Repucci flashes an ice grill after beating Slimmy and climbing to the top of his division.

OK, enough of this birthday autofellatio nonsense, we's got some work to do. Although I always hate handing these out when I lose, the show must go on. Here are the stars that shone brightest in Week 7.

Game 1: Rich def. Hefty - And the Chumley goes to...
Santonio Holmes, WR, Pit - When in doubt, go with the guy who drove the last nail in the coffin. That's Chumley Tiebreaker Number 5. Due to a whirlwind weekend at State College, I didn't get home until about an hour before kickoff of the Steelers-Broncos game. And since I hadn't yet watched the Eagles debacle, I didn't check any fantasy scores. I watched the game on DVR, and then flipped open my laptop sometime in the second quarter of Steelers-Broncos at which point I was winning by about 4 points. A few minutes into the second half, Santonio caught a touchdown and drove the nail in my coffin. Santonio had a decent game, catching 6 balls for 54 yards and a touchdown. A case could also be made for Andre Davis, but I'm making the executive decision and going with Santonio.

Game 2: Deewaan def. Melvin - And the Chumley goes to...
LenDale White, RB, Ten - LenDale White refused to receive this award after he found out it was inedible. But seriously, LenDale White?! Indeed it's true. LenDale carried 27 times for 104 yards and a touchdown in Sunday's shootout win against the Texans. White piled up 22.5 points for Dave's squad, but wasn't even the most valuable Titan. That would be Rob Bironas, who was 8-8 on field goal tries.
This performance makes me all the more frustrated that we traded up with the Titans in 2006 to take Winston Justice in the second round, while they used our pick to take LenDale. I've always loved the big fella. He's a pile pusher.

Game 3: Aaron def. Slimmy - And the Chumley goes to...
Laver-anus Coles, WR, NYJ - This probably shouldn't count since he was playing the Bengals, but Coles posted 8 catches, 133 yards, and 2 TDs. Coles has quietly put together a nice season, as he now has 6 touchdowns on the year, and has scored 10 or more points in 5 games this season.

Game 4: Adam def. Craig - And the Chumley goes to...
Tom Brady, QB, NE - I suppose 21/25, 354 yards, 6 touchdowns, 0 interceptions is a decent day for a quarterback. But I say that Brady is too one-dimensional to make an impact in the NFL long-term. You want to hear his rushing stats??? 0 carries for 0 yards. Pathetic. Defensive coordinators will soon figure out that all he does is throw the ball, and that's when they'll pull the rug out from under the Patriots offensive scheme.

Game 5: Shawn def. Jordan - And the Chumley goes to...
Randy Moss, WR, NE - Looking back on things, it's pretty unbelievable that nobody else saw this coming. Sure, Moss can be disruptive (read: super black) at times, but there was no way that he wasn't still talented enough to become an elite wideout again. He made Culpepper look like John Elway, and we saw what happened to Pep once he lost Moss. He stunk for a while, then blew out his knee, changed teams twice, and still can't get a grasp on a starting role. With the G-D Raiders!! Meanwhile, Randy's in Cali playing with Kerry Collins and Aaron Brooks and Marques Tuisasopo and Andrew Walter, and we wonder why he's not lighting up secondaries anymore. So then you put him with an established passer, and what happens? Well, he's on pace to destroy the receiving touchdown record and lead a team to 16-0 and a Super Bowl win. Gee, that's all??

Game 6: Mike def. Shelby - And the Chumley goes to...
Cowboys, D/ST, Dal - Although I hate them because 1) they're the Cowboys, and 2) they held Adrian Peterson in check most of the day, you've got to applaud the effort by Big D's Big D. Dallas's D allowed 7 points, and returned a blocked field goal for a touchdown of their own. Even better, they broke Tavaris Jackson's finger on his passing hand, leading towards the inevitable scenario where Kelly Holcomb ends up starting this game and beats us after we traded him away in the preseason.

Congratulations to all the winners, and somebody tell Randy to start getting his acceptance speech ready for the end of the season.

Week 6 Chumleys: The Mucus Queen Is Yours!

The NFL hasn't seen a neck like that since Merton Hanks roamed the 49ers secondary.

Ah Week 6, we hardly knew ye. It was definitely my favorite football weekend of the young season, with PSU, the Eagles, and both my fantasy teams notching wins. But alas, all good things come to an end. Let's take one last look back and see who's worthy of some well-earned hardware.

Game 1: Shawn def. Craig - And the Chumley goes to...
Joey Galloway, WR, TB - If you had asked me before the season to name some potential 2-time Chumley award winners, I would have given you about 200 other names before I got to Galloway. But now, here in week 6, Galloway has pulled himself into the drivers seat in this MVP race. Joey helped his case on Sunday with a 4 catch, 97 yard, 1 touchdown day to lead all of Shawn's scorers with 18.8 points.

Game 2: Hefty def. Deewaan - And the Chumley goes to...
Adrian Peterson, RB, Min - The rest of the internet seems to be giving this guy his proper ball washing (scroll down to 'Should Peterson Have Been No. 1?' post on that last link), so I'd better get my licks in before it's too late. While I still think it's more likely that he'll get tragically injured before he ever has a game like that again, Peterson was unbelievably good against a Bears defense that, while a little banged up, is still one of the elite defenses in the NFL. His first touchdown run looked like something out of Tecmo Super Bowl, and the other two weren't so bad either. Anyway, Adrian gets the slight nod over Tomlinson and Braylon Edwards this week, and hopefully it won't be his last.

Game 3: Adam def. Shelby - And the Chumley goes to...
Tom Brady, QB, NE - He partially gets the nod due to beating the Cowboys, ending the media-grope-fest that was going on over Tony Romo and Dallas for the past 5 weeks. He also partially gets the nod for playing the best 60 minutes of quarterbacking anybody's slapped together this season (even better than Carson Palmer's 6-touchdown Week 2). 388 yards. 5 TDs. No interceptions. Unbelievable. He kept everybody involved in the offense, going from one star wideout to the next. It was a wildly entertaining game that lived up to the massive hype, and Brady had a lot to do with that.

Game 4: Aaron def. Melvin - And the Chumley goes to...
Donte' Stallworth, WR, NE - Donte' was largely excluded from the Patriots passing game the first 5 weeks of the season, catching no more than 4 balls in any of those games. Well on Sunday, he broke out with 7 catches for 136 yards and a touchdown.
Excuse me for being pessimistic about the Eagles after a win, but would it really have killed us to try to work out a contract extension with this guy? If you wanted Kevin Curtis, that's okay, we still could have taken him, too. Curtis, Stallworth and Reggie Brown would have given us another major weapon to add to our offense which has been comatose in 4 out of 5 games this season. Just frustrating.

Game 5: Rich def. Jordan - And the Chumley goes to...
Tony Gonzalez, TE, KC - Gonzalez has scored over 10 fantasy points in the last four weeks, and now has just 5 points less than Jason Witten, the player he was traded for in our league before the season started. Gonzalez is benefitting from improved play in two out of the past three weeks from Larry Johnson, and the emergence of rookie Dwayne Bowe into the offense as a legitimate threat. The Chiefs are playing better offensively than I would have expected this year, and Gonzalez is showing that he's still one of the best tight ends in the league.

Game 6: Paul def. Mike - And the Chumley goes to...
TJ Houshmandzadeh, WR, Cin - I almost awarded this Chumley to Matt Stover for his 5/5 field goal, 18 point fantasy performance against St. Louis. But ultimately, TJ played well in a comeback rally that fell short (read: garbage time) against the Chiefs. He put up 8 catches for 145 yards and two touchdowns. TJ has caught at least 8 passes in all five of the Bengals games so far, and is second in the NFL in receptions (47) to only Derrick Mason (49), who has played one more game than Housh has.

One more thing...after my 212 point week, I'm feeling extremely generous. I feel like giving you all a gift that has blessed my life in oh so many ways.

Dearest readers, I give you, The Werewolf Bar Mitzvah. If you don't laugh at this, I don't ever want you coming back to A Little Slap And Pickle!! It's not for you.