A Pinkie Injury??? A PINKIE INJURY?!?!?!

GET UP, SON, YOU'RE EMBARRASSING YOURSELF!!!

Awesome news out of Big D today, as it seems my fantasy team will be in the hands of Chad Pennington until mid-November. In case you haven't noticed, Pennington hasn't even been the best quarterback on the Dolphins this year; that would be Ronnie Brown, who singlehandedly ensured that Madden 2010 would have the Wildcat formation and a lateral button so you can run the option. Anyway, I'm going to be fun to play for the next month. Enjoy. Especially this week when Turner and Westbrook are on a bye.

Back to the Romo issue though, a pinkie injury??? Are you kidding me??? Listen, when it comes to most injuries, I have no room to talk. I've never torn an MCL, or sprained my high ankle, or even had a sports hernia. So me chastising injured players is laughable. But, here's an issue where I know what I'm talking about.

I've broken exactly one bone in my body during the 25 years I've been on this earth. It was my left pinkie. I was in 9th grade. I played a football game two days later. I didn't miss a practice, let alone a month. I played tight end and actually had a couple of badass receptions in the league championship game, but we lost 8-0 to a team of black kids. I played defensive end, and was slamming my broken digit up against O-lineman all game and didn't come out on a single play. And I feel obligated to remind you that I was 14 and wasn't being paid a dime to play. Tony Romo, you sir, are a gigantic faggot. Tape that bitch up, take a Tylenol, and get your ass back in the game, Veronica.

Which QB Would You Rather Start?

The guy knocking Cowboy boots with Jessica Simpson, or the guy going Poodle Beach on a bratwurst???

Me, I'll take Palmer. Romo's legs will be tired out, and Carson will be filled with processed pork, giving him all the strength he needs for a monster game!!

Shit. I'm screwed, aren't I?

THE FINAL CHUMLEY CEREMONY

With his league leading 5th Chumley award, Tony and Jessica are now officially the Power Couple of A Little Slap And Pickle!!

The Heisman may get more airtime on ESPN, but there's another very special award to hand out tonight. For the past few weeks, Randy Moss vs. Tony Romo has been the ALSAP!! equivalent of Tim Tebow vs. Darren McFadden. The Chumleys will wrap up today, and after 13 weeks, I'm pleased to announce we have ourselves a grand champion. He wasn't the only one deserving of the Week 13 hardware, so let's see who else earned themselves a statue.

Game 1: The Ding Dong Danglers def. Pocket T-Bags - And the Chumley goes to...
Panthers, D/ST, Car - 4 picks, 2 fumble recoveries, 6 sacks, and a touchdown all added up to a 28 point day out of the Kitty Cats.

Game 2: MPJ's def. Nutz - And the Chumley goes to...
Hines Ward, WR, Pit - Hines caught 11 balls for 90 yards and 2 touchdowns. The yardage is surprising after that many catches, but the wily-Half-Asian was good for 23.2 points. Not surprisingly, this game happened against the Bengals D. If anybody has a few spare hours, go through the archives and figure out how many Chumley awards were won against Cincinnati's defense. It seems like it's at least 20 percent.

Game 3: Chicago def. Bisbee - And the Chumley goes to...
LaDainian Tomlinson, RB, SD - The #1 overall pick collects his second Chumley of the season. LT had a monster day running for 177 yards and 2 scores. Sidenote: Did anybody notice that the two teams squaring off for the #1 playoff seed last week drafted 11th and 12th? That's proof right there that you can have a great season no matter where you are in the draft order. Pretty amazing GM job by both Shawn and Rich.

Game 4: N. Korea def. Hawaii - And the Chumley goes to...
Peyton Manning, QB, Ind - Peyt put together his best game of the season just in time for the playoffs. Manning has thrown 7 touchdowns in his past two games and is doing just fine even though Marvin Harrison is still dinged up.

Game 5: Death Knell def. Sen. Craig - And the Chumley goes to...
Terrell Owens, WR, Dal - Owens has gone for 100+ yards in 5 of his past 6 games, and he's caught a TD in the last seven straight. Dallas is clearly playing the best football in the NFC right now, and if the Super Bowl matchup is Dallas-New England, I'm not having the Super Bowl party this year. I'm just not ready to decide which team I despise less.

Game 6: Canada def. Jabroc, TN - And the Chumley goes to...
Tony Romo, QB, Dal - Tony puts a nice ribbon on the Chumley race with his Week 13 gem. Against the Packers, Tony had 309 yards, 4 TDs, and 37.1 fantasy points. Rich is now in the driver's seat for the playoffs, and most importantly, the Chumley went to the best player on the best team, which is how it was supposed to go. What's most amazing about Romo's season is the gap in the numbers between him and the rest of the QBs in the NFL (other than Tom Brady). Romo has 355.3 points this year, the next closest horse in the race is Derek Anderson with 287.9, and then there's another six guys all in the same range. But Romo's numbers blow them all away.

A heartfelt congratulations to Tony Romo, who will now be known as Mr. Chumley, and his lovely bride Jessica Simpson. For his season-long accomplishment, Mr. Chumley will win a fantabulous prize package. Let's see what the happy couple has won.
-A year of free Appletinis at Chumley's Bar
-A lifetime supply of ProActiv solution
-An official A Little Slap And Pickle!! hand towel
-An "Employee of the Month" DVD (Widescreen)
-A shiatsu massage from Peter King (complete with Happy Ending)

Week 11: Power Rankings + Chumleys = POWER CHUMLEYS!!!

I took the liberty of slightly modifying Dave's original. Shelby, this holiday season, may you be teabagged umercilessly by the entire offensive line of the Miami Dolphins (the league's fattest!!).

Well, fantasy nerds, it's a very short week here at ALSAP!!, as I head west in just a few hours to spend Thanksgiving out in Pittsburgh. As such, Power Rankings and Chumleys will be combined into one breakneck paced column I like to call POWER CHUMLEYS!!! Please contain your excitement and bladder, and join me for our weekly look around the league.

1. Shawn (9-2, W2, Previous #1)
Week 11 Chumley recipient: Randy Moss, WR, NE. This is Randy's 4th Chumley. Moss grabbed 4 touchdowns Sunday night, in the first half alone.
Playoff Prognosis: Clinched.

2. Rich (8-3, W3, Previous #2)
Week 11 Chumley recipient: Tony Romo, QB, Dal. Last year's Thanksgiving game was the official coming out party for the Romosexuals. With an easy matchup against the J-E-T-S on Thursday, there could be more of the same in store.
Playoff Prognosis: Clinched.

3. Slims (8-3, W1, Previous #3)
Week 11 Chumley recipient: Andre Johnson, WR, Hou. It's scary to think that Slimmy's third best WR might be Chad Johnson, although Chad hasn't scored since Week 2, so I think that's pretty accurate.
Playoff Prognosis: Clinched.

4. Hefty (6-5, L2, Previous #4)
Wrong time in the season to start a losing streak. The fact that I'm having a tough time deciding between Matt Schaub and Carson Palmer this week tells you that things haven't gone as well for my second round pick as I would have liked.
Fun Fact: I've also traded away my third and fourth round picks, and my fifth round pick is hurt. If not for some brilliantly unexpected WR play out of Braylon and Welker, I'd be hovering around 3-8 right now.
Playoff Prognosis: Can clinch with a win.

5. Aaron (7-4, L1, Previous #5)
Ladies and gentlemen, we've officially found our panicked GM at the trade deadline. I like to imagine Aaron at home, pacing around the room with a carton of Marlboro Reds, staring at a big rotary telephone, screaming at it to try to make it ring. Relax, A-Rep. Donald Lee does not a championship team make.
Playoff Prognosis: Clinched.

6. Jordan (6-5, W1, Previous #8)
Week 11 Chumley recipient: Brandon Marshall, WR, Den. Marshall not only caught a touchdown on MNF sealing the win over Aaron, but he actually was Jordan's highest scorer with 13.9 points.
Playoff Prognosis: Can clinch with a win.

7. Craig (5-6, W3, Previous #7)
Week 11 Chumley recipient: Terrell Owens, WR, Dal. Extreme badassery out of Owens this week. It's hard to admit this, but as an Eagles fan, it's almost better to root for the Cowboys in divisional matchups on the basis that the Eagles need a lot of help to make the playoffs. Having said that, I'll be hurling turkey bones and egg nog at the television on Thursday if Owens has another monster game tomorrow.
Playoff Prognosis: Controls his own destiny.

8. Shelby (5-6, L1, Previous #6)
I know I've mentioned this before, but it's embarrasing that on draft night I was given Brett Favre by ESPN.com and I raised a stink so I could go back and draft Rex Grossman. That's a major kick in the sack.
By the way, how about the Lions playing a game on Thanksgiving you're actually excited to watch? GB @ Det is finally a relevant game, and it kicks off at 12:30, which means I have to eat even more piggishly to get down to the in-laws basement to watch TV.
Playoff Prognosis: Controls his own destiny.

9. Adam (4-7, W2, Previous #10)
Week 11 Chumley recipient: Tom Brady, QB, NE. If you haven't seen it, go over to Kissing Suzy Kolber and watch the youtube clip of Andrea Kremer interviewing Tom Brady. It's almost impossible that a 17 second clip could be so uncomfortably awkward, but it most definitely is.
Playoff Prognosis: Needs help.

10. Mike (4-7, L3, Previous #9)
What's your record since getting engaged? Just curious.
As Mickey famously quipped in 'Rocky': "Women weaken legs." And by "legs", I think he was talking about "quality of life in general".
Playoff Prognosis: Needs help.

11. Dave (3-8, L3, Previous #11)
Ok, so your team sucks. At least you're gorgeous. What I wouldn't give to stick a couple fistfulls of stuffing in your cavity tomorrow morning.
Playoff Prognosis: Needs a borderline miracle.
Male Model Prognosis: So hot right now.

12. Melvin (1-10, L8, Previous #12)
Playoff Prognosis: Not a friggin chance.

Happy Thanksgiving Everybody!

Week 10 Chumleys: Drexel Hill Edition

Rich brings in da noise and da funk.

So. Week 10 has come and gone. Three weeks of Regular Season Fantasy action remain on the calendar. Three weeks left for seven teams to make a push and join Shawn in the Big Dance. The clock is ticking and the trade deadline is approaching. Let's see which NFL stars were this week's keys to a postseason berth.

Game 1: Aaron def. Mike - And the Chumley goes to...
Warrick Dunn, RB, Atl - Aaron arrived at Melvin's crib on Friday Night in a state of panic. The more ESPNNews savvy in the crowd told him that Frank Gore wasn't playing in Monday's contest (turns out that was false). Aaron started to fret, claiming he didn't have a good running back to put next to MJD in his lineup. Trade speculation was rampant, at one point names like Correll Buckhalter were flying around. By night's end, A-Rep had decided to fill the vacancy in house, the only question was with who? Kenton Keith and Warrick Dunn were options. I, being the fantasy football blogger and self-proclaimed expert, told him to go with Kenton because at least the Colts would put up points and Keith might grab a TD of his own (lo and behold he did). In the end, Aaron went with Warrick Dunn, and it turned out to be the right move. Dunn chipped in with 22.2 points after being an afterthought only a few days earlier. Nice move, Pooch.

Game 2: Rich def. Paul - And the Chumley goes to...
Tony Romo, QB, Dal - Ladies and gentlemen, we officially have ourselves a Chumley Race. Romo has now bagged his third Chumley of the season, doing so with a fine 35.2 point performance. Speaking of a fine performance, major props go out to Rich for bringing the infamous Blue Horn down to Melvin's on Friday, filling the shoes of the original Green Horn. The horns have become a tradition unlike any other, as countless delicious beers have been conveyed from bottle to mouth through the confines of this musical instrument. If I were handing out Real Life Chumleys, Rich may have clinched one for keeping the Legend of Blue Horn alive.
Sidenote: When we do the Triple Threat Bachelor Party, this is a mandatory party accessory. And we need custom T-shirts.

Game 3: Craig def. Jordan - And the Chumley goes to...
Brian Westbrook, RB, Phi - Step aside, Tony Romo, Brian's got three Chumleys of his own. Words cannot express how valuable Westbrook is to both Craig and the Eagles. In fact, I'm embarrased that the Eagles made him return the extra money from his paychecks last year. He's worth whatever the accounting error was, he's literally carrying this team on his shoulders. Brian is second in receptions among all NFL running backs, to only Reggie Bush. Bush has 55 catches (for a measly 304 yards, less than 6 ypc), Westbrook has 54 (for 518, more than 9 ypc). No other RB even has 40. That's an awesome stat. Even if the Eagles begin a rebuilding process after this season, with Westbrook in the fold, they'll still always be dangerous.
Sidenote: If you look up "Idiot Savant" in the dictionary, there's a picture of Craig playing Big Buck Hunter. The man is like the deaf, dumb, and blind kid from "Pinball Wizard". And yes, that's a 'Who' reference. My dad would be awfully proud.

Game 4: Adam def. Melvin - And the Chumley goes to...
Hines Ward, WR, Pit - To be honest, there's not many worthy candidates on this squad. Hines kicked in with 17.4 points, on 7 catches for 80 yards and a touchdown. But Hines gets extra badass points for scoring on a two point conversion to put the Steelers up by a field goal in the 4th. Is that a logical reason to hand somebody a trophy? Maybe not. But it's my trophy and I say the 2 pt. conversion is a badass play. Congratulations Hines.
And congratulations to Adam, who trekked the farthest to make it down to Melvin's on Friday Night, going on what Google maps claims is a 4+ hour journey. Unbelievable dedication shown there by the resident woodsman.

Game 5: Shawn def. Deewaan - And the Chumley goes to...
Jeremy Shockey, TE, NYG - I already touched on Shockey's game in the Bajingos and Sasquatches feature, but the point is still valid: 12 catches by a tight end is far too many for an NFL defense to allow. Possibly true fact: In my entire 9th-12th grade playing career as a tight end, I'm not sure I hauled in 12 passes. I'm sure I was in that neighborhood. Somewhere in the 10-20 range. I do know I only scored two touchdowns, and Shockey even managed to do half of that in this game. Good stuff.
Shawn was not at Melvin's, and therefore, I have no anecdote to share about him.

Game 6: Shelby def. Hefty - And the Chumley goes to...
Shayne Graham, K, Cin - Many traditional media members would have gone with Favre in this one. Then again, many traditional media members go to bed at night praying they'll wake up as an ingrown hair on Favre's grundle. Needless to say, I'm not a traditional media member. No, I'll go out of my way to reward a kicker who made seven chip shot field goals, while his asshat QB couldn't lead one G-D scoring drive out of seven red zone trips. Enjoy the spotlight, Shayne. I hope it's your last time up here.
Shelby doesn't really exist, and therefore, couldn't take time out of his busy (read: greasing up his ding-dong to Alanis Morissette music videos from 1995) schedule to come up and see his buds.

Alright, there you have it! Week 10 in the books. Congratulations to all the winners, and especially Brian Westbrook and Tony Romo, who join Randy Moss as the only Three-Time-Award-Winners in Chumley history!!

Week 9 Chumleys

For one week only, we excuse the ritual of photoshopping league members onto Heisman trophies to honor All Day.
.

I know what you're thinking..."Chumleys BEFORE Bajingos and Sasquatches?! What the hell?!?! You LIED to me!!! You son ofa BITCH!!!" Well, what can I say, the past couple days at work have been hectic and I definitely want to make sure I get these awards handed out in a timely fashion. We'll get to B's and S's. Just not yet. Hang tight, you gorgeous men.

Game 1: Shelby def. Aaron - And the Chumley goes to...
Joseph Addai, RB, Ind - Last week I repeatedly mentioned that the Colts needed to get Addai rolling if they wanted to hang tight with the Pats. Well, Addai got himself rolling in a big way, taking a pass 73 yards just before halftime for a touchdown. He ended up with 112 yards rushing and 114 yards receiving. Although the AFC Championship would likely be held in Foxboro, the Colts showed enough in this game (without Marvin Harrison, nonetheless) to make the rematch extremely interesting should it happen. I disagree with Mike about handing the Pats the Super Bowl trophy just yet. The Colts are still the champs, and come January, they'll be eager to defend their title. Don't count them out yet. They could easily repeat.

Game 2: Rich def. Mike - And the Chumley goes to...
Tony Romo, QB, Dal - I hate rewarding players who beat the Eagles. I hate it even more when they play for Dallas. But Romo played well in front of a hostile Sunday Night Linc crowd, going 20/25, with 324 yards and 3 TD's. Peter King's Monday Morning Quarterback column pointed out that Romo essentially signed the same deal as the Rams gave to Marc Bulger just before the season. Ladies and gentlemen, that is one terrible agent.
Marc Bulger:
A) Spells his name with a 'c' instead of a 'k'. French people spell it that way.
B) Is the quarterback of an 0-8 team.
C) Is 3 years older than Tony Romo.
D) Couldn't bang Carrie Underwood if you gave her three Roofie Coladas.

Seriously though, that agent should have been fired on the spot. What a deal for Dallas.

Game 3: Hefty def. Adam - And the Chumley goes to...
Adrian Peterson, RB, Min - The only thing that bothers me about watching Peterson is that he's always lowering his head. Didn't this guy shatter his collarbone? I'd be leery of using my head as a battering ram if I had a flimsy bone supporting it. But anyway, that's the only thing that bothers me. He got 30 carries with a healthy Chester Taylor, which leads me to believe that Brad Childress has finally woken up and smelled the Sanka. Speaking of Vikings personnel moves, how about the Koy Detmer signing by the Vikes???? You're kidding me, right? Kelly Holcomb's neck injury is no reason to bring in Captain Neckbeard.
By the way, if any sequence of events leads to Koy Detmer starting again in the NFL, there's no possible point spread that could keep me from getting back in the gambling circuit and betting against Minnesota. (OK, that sounded exactly like something Bill Simmons would type, but I stand by it).

Game 4: Jordan def. Melvin - And the Chumley goes to...
Greg Jennings, WR, GB - Greg Jennings, eh? Well, to be honest, I don't know a damn thing about him, but ESPN tells me that he's the 13th best WR in the NFL. That's shocking to say the least. Am I the only one who goes to sleep every night praying for a Brett Favre steroid scandal? Even a Vicodin relapse would be acceptable at this point. Somebody has to end the feel good story in Green Bay. It's too much. Like those chocolate donuts that are also glazed that Dunkin Donuts sells. Come on. It's either chocolate or it's glazed. Make up your mind.

Game 5: Slims def. Shawn - And the Chumley goes to...
Clinton Portis, RB, Was - Portis had a monster game, racking up 196 yards on 36 carries (which is 100 yards fewer than Peterson on 6 more carries...just saying...), and a touchdown. Probably a bittersweet week for Slimmy though, as both of his Johnsons (Larry and Chad) are up in the air for next week's game. I'd also like to thank Slimmy for beating Shawn and putting me within one game of the divisional lead, and also for not getting upset at my awkward message board posting. For the record, I voted for "A Hug", and I'd be proud to give one to you next time I see you.

Game 6: Craig def. Deewaan - And the Chumley goes to...
Earnest Graham, RB, TB - How I arrived at my decision: I'm not rewarding T.O. on the off chance he reads my work, I'm not rewarding Westbrook, or any other Eagle after that shitstain on the rug that was Week 9, Bobby Engram came extremely close to winning, but in the end, I had to give it to Graham. The most eye-popping stat? 34 carries. For Earnest Graham??? Who the eff is this guy? And he's toting the rock 34 times against Arizona, killing clock in a 17-10 win? He also probably singlehandedly kept me alive in my survivor pool, which is reason enough for me to give him the trophy.

Congratulations to all the winners. This race is really starting to heat up, with 3 second-time winners this week. Randy Moss still has a leg up on the field, but this is anyone's game with 4 weeks to play.

Week 4 Chumley Axshun

Jordaroo knocked off Adam, and finds himself at 3-1.

Scoring was down somewhat in Week 4. As a result, this may be our weakest Chumley induction class to date. Half of these guys didn't do anything special, they just happened to suck less than the rest of the winning team's players. Ah, that's parity for ya.
Sidenote: I'm already preparing Matt Schaub's Week 5 acceptance speech for when I beat the living snot out of J-Ying this weekend.

Game 1: Jon Hefty def. Paul Davis - And the Chumley goes to...
LaDainian Tomlinson, RB, SD - This is LT's first Chumley of the season and I'm somehow 3-1. That's pretty amazing. LaDainian finally broke out of his shell with 154 yards and score. However, I'm scared by this Chargers team. Playing second-half catch-up to the Chiefs? Really? They couldn't have built a first half lead and ran the ball 80 times in the second half? I'm really confused by this. This same exact roster went 14-2 last year. Is Norv Turner really that awful of a coach?

Game 2: Rich Ely def. Craig Fritz - And the Chumley goes to...
Tony Romo, QB, Dal - Romo hooked up with Patrick Crayton on 2 of his 3 passing touchdowns, and ran another one in. It pains me to write this, but the Cowboys are head and shoulders the best team in the NFC at this point. Another 40+ fantasy point week for Romo, who is currently the number 1 overall player in our league.

Game 3: Jordan Yingling def. Adam Davis - And the Chumley goes to...
Peyton Manning, QB, Ind - Part of this award is for the 3 touchdowns Peyton tossed on Sunday. The other part is for the delicious irony of Jordan using Peyton Manning, Adam's first round pick, to beat Adam. Sidenote: Cedric Benson stinks. On the bright side, his knee cap is still attached to his shin bone, so that's a plus.

Game 4: Shelby Fidler def. Matt Melvin - And the Chumley goes to...
Dallas Clark, TE, Ind - I'm starting to think that weird Sprint commercial for "Manning's Mind" is closer to reality than we may have thought. The little boy who whispers 'Clark', seems to be talking to Peyton on every single play, as Dallas keeps picking up yards and touchdowns. This week, he racked up 76 yards and 2 touchdowns. Although, I should point out that Marvin Harrison was triple covered by dolphins most of the game.

Game 5: Mike Walbert def. Shawn Hussein - And the Chumley goes to...
Jerry Porter, WR, Oak - Remember the face Faith Hill made when Carrie Underwood won the "Best Female Artist" award at the CMA's a while back?
Oh, really? You don't? What do you mean you don't watch Country Music Award shows?
Well, anyway, that's the face I'm making right now. I am the judge and jury when it comes to the Chumleys and even I couldn't rig this damn thing so Porter couldn't win a Chumley mere days after I shipped him off to Mike. I remember thinking two things when that trade passed...
1. Goodbye, Rex Grossman!!
2. Goodbye, Jerry Porter!!
Well, there's a lesson out there for you kids. And I think it's that Jerry Porter is a pedophile.

Game 6: Aaron Repucci def. Dave Wanner - And the Chumley goes to...
Matt Hasselbeck, QB, Sea - By default. A-Rep's team played some seriously ugly ball this weekend, but Elizabeth's brother in law at least managed to break 20 points. Now, kindly leave before you sully the good name of Chumley.

That's all for Week 4. All our winners are first time recipients, so the players to watch are still Brian Westbrook and Randy Moss.