Week 9 Chumleys

For one week only, we excuse the ritual of photoshopping league members onto Heisman trophies to honor All Day.
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I know what you're thinking..."Chumleys BEFORE Bajingos and Sasquatches?! What the hell?!?! You LIED to me!!! You son ofa BITCH!!!" Well, what can I say, the past couple days at work have been hectic and I definitely want to make sure I get these awards handed out in a timely fashion. We'll get to B's and S's. Just not yet. Hang tight, you gorgeous men.

Game 1: Shelby def. Aaron - And the Chumley goes to...
Joseph Addai, RB, Ind - Last week I repeatedly mentioned that the Colts needed to get Addai rolling if they wanted to hang tight with the Pats. Well, Addai got himself rolling in a big way, taking a pass 73 yards just before halftime for a touchdown. He ended up with 112 yards rushing and 114 yards receiving. Although the AFC Championship would likely be held in Foxboro, the Colts showed enough in this game (without Marvin Harrison, nonetheless) to make the rematch extremely interesting should it happen. I disagree with Mike about handing the Pats the Super Bowl trophy just yet. The Colts are still the champs, and come January, they'll be eager to defend their title. Don't count them out yet. They could easily repeat.

Game 2: Rich def. Mike - And the Chumley goes to...
Tony Romo, QB, Dal - I hate rewarding players who beat the Eagles. I hate it even more when they play for Dallas. But Romo played well in front of a hostile Sunday Night Linc crowd, going 20/25, with 324 yards and 3 TD's. Peter King's Monday Morning Quarterback column pointed out that Romo essentially signed the same deal as the Rams gave to Marc Bulger just before the season. Ladies and gentlemen, that is one terrible agent.
Marc Bulger:
A) Spells his name with a 'c' instead of a 'k'. French people spell it that way.
B) Is the quarterback of an 0-8 team.
C) Is 3 years older than Tony Romo.
D) Couldn't bang Carrie Underwood if you gave her three Roofie Coladas.

Seriously though, that agent should have been fired on the spot. What a deal for Dallas.

Game 3: Hefty def. Adam - And the Chumley goes to...
Adrian Peterson, RB, Min - The only thing that bothers me about watching Peterson is that he's always lowering his head. Didn't this guy shatter his collarbone? I'd be leery of using my head as a battering ram if I had a flimsy bone supporting it. But anyway, that's the only thing that bothers me. He got 30 carries with a healthy Chester Taylor, which leads me to believe that Brad Childress has finally woken up and smelled the Sanka. Speaking of Vikings personnel moves, how about the Koy Detmer signing by the Vikes???? You're kidding me, right? Kelly Holcomb's neck injury is no reason to bring in Captain Neckbeard.
By the way, if any sequence of events leads to Koy Detmer starting again in the NFL, there's no possible point spread that could keep me from getting back in the gambling circuit and betting against Minnesota. (OK, that sounded exactly like something Bill Simmons would type, but I stand by it).

Game 4: Jordan def. Melvin - And the Chumley goes to...
Greg Jennings, WR, GB - Greg Jennings, eh? Well, to be honest, I don't know a damn thing about him, but ESPN tells me that he's the 13th best WR in the NFL. That's shocking to say the least. Am I the only one who goes to sleep every night praying for a Brett Favre steroid scandal? Even a Vicodin relapse would be acceptable at this point. Somebody has to end the feel good story in Green Bay. It's too much. Like those chocolate donuts that are also glazed that Dunkin Donuts sells. Come on. It's either chocolate or it's glazed. Make up your mind.

Game 5: Slims def. Shawn - And the Chumley goes to...
Clinton Portis, RB, Was - Portis had a monster game, racking up 196 yards on 36 carries (which is 100 yards fewer than Peterson on 6 more carries...just saying...), and a touchdown. Probably a bittersweet week for Slimmy though, as both of his Johnsons (Larry and Chad) are up in the air for next week's game. I'd also like to thank Slimmy for beating Shawn and putting me within one game of the divisional lead, and also for not getting upset at my awkward message board posting. For the record, I voted for "A Hug", and I'd be proud to give one to you next time I see you.

Game 6: Craig def. Deewaan - And the Chumley goes to...
Earnest Graham, RB, TB - How I arrived at my decision: I'm not rewarding T.O. on the off chance he reads my work, I'm not rewarding Westbrook, or any other Eagle after that shitstain on the rug that was Week 9, Bobby Engram came extremely close to winning, but in the end, I had to give it to Graham. The most eye-popping stat? 34 carries. For Earnest Graham??? Who the eff is this guy? And he's toting the rock 34 times against Arizona, killing clock in a 17-10 win? He also probably singlehandedly kept me alive in my survivor pool, which is reason enough for me to give him the trophy.

Congratulations to all the winners. This race is really starting to heat up, with 3 second-time winners this week. Randy Moss still has a leg up on the field, but this is anyone's game with 4 weeks to play.

Week 6 Chumleys: The Mucus Queen Is Yours!

The NFL hasn't seen a neck like that since Merton Hanks roamed the 49ers secondary.

Ah Week 6, we hardly knew ye. It was definitely my favorite football weekend of the young season, with PSU, the Eagles, and both my fantasy teams notching wins. But alas, all good things come to an end. Let's take one last look back and see who's worthy of some well-earned hardware.

Game 1: Shawn def. Craig - And the Chumley goes to...
Joey Galloway, WR, TB - If you had asked me before the season to name some potential 2-time Chumley award winners, I would have given you about 200 other names before I got to Galloway. But now, here in week 6, Galloway has pulled himself into the drivers seat in this MVP race. Joey helped his case on Sunday with a 4 catch, 97 yard, 1 touchdown day to lead all of Shawn's scorers with 18.8 points.

Game 2: Hefty def. Deewaan - And the Chumley goes to...
Adrian Peterson, RB, Min - The rest of the internet seems to be giving this guy his proper ball washing (scroll down to 'Should Peterson Have Been No. 1?' post on that last link), so I'd better get my licks in before it's too late. While I still think it's more likely that he'll get tragically injured before he ever has a game like that again, Peterson was unbelievably good against a Bears defense that, while a little banged up, is still one of the elite defenses in the NFL. His first touchdown run looked like something out of Tecmo Super Bowl, and the other two weren't so bad either. Anyway, Adrian gets the slight nod over Tomlinson and Braylon Edwards this week, and hopefully it won't be his last.

Game 3: Adam def. Shelby - And the Chumley goes to...
Tom Brady, QB, NE - He partially gets the nod due to beating the Cowboys, ending the media-grope-fest that was going on over Tony Romo and Dallas for the past 5 weeks. He also partially gets the nod for playing the best 60 minutes of quarterbacking anybody's slapped together this season (even better than Carson Palmer's 6-touchdown Week 2). 388 yards. 5 TDs. No interceptions. Unbelievable. He kept everybody involved in the offense, going from one star wideout to the next. It was a wildly entertaining game that lived up to the massive hype, and Brady had a lot to do with that.

Game 4: Aaron def. Melvin - And the Chumley goes to...
Donte' Stallworth, WR, NE - Donte' was largely excluded from the Patriots passing game the first 5 weeks of the season, catching no more than 4 balls in any of those games. Well on Sunday, he broke out with 7 catches for 136 yards and a touchdown.
Excuse me for being pessimistic about the Eagles after a win, but would it really have killed us to try to work out a contract extension with this guy? If you wanted Kevin Curtis, that's okay, we still could have taken him, too. Curtis, Stallworth and Reggie Brown would have given us another major weapon to add to our offense which has been comatose in 4 out of 5 games this season. Just frustrating.

Game 5: Rich def. Jordan - And the Chumley goes to...
Tony Gonzalez, TE, KC - Gonzalez has scored over 10 fantasy points in the last four weeks, and now has just 5 points less than Jason Witten, the player he was traded for in our league before the season started. Gonzalez is benefitting from improved play in two out of the past three weeks from Larry Johnson, and the emergence of rookie Dwayne Bowe into the offense as a legitimate threat. The Chiefs are playing better offensively than I would have expected this year, and Gonzalez is showing that he's still one of the best tight ends in the league.

Game 6: Paul def. Mike - And the Chumley goes to...
TJ Houshmandzadeh, WR, Cin - I almost awarded this Chumley to Matt Stover for his 5/5 field goal, 18 point fantasy performance against St. Louis. But ultimately, TJ played well in a comeback rally that fell short (read: garbage time) against the Chiefs. He put up 8 catches for 145 yards and two touchdowns. TJ has caught at least 8 passes in all five of the Bengals games so far, and is second in the NFL in receptions (47) to only Derrick Mason (49), who has played one more game than Housh has.

One more thing...after my 212 point week, I'm feeling extremely generous. I feel like giving you all a gift that has blessed my life in oh so many ways.

Dearest readers, I give you, The Werewolf Bar Mitzvah. If you don't laugh at this, I don't ever want you coming back to A Little Slap And Pickle!! It's not for you.