The Most Accurate Thing You'll Ever Read Ever Ever

Not pictured: My raging boner.

First of all, let me say how proud I am of Craig. His first day on the job, and he's already banged out two preview columns. Well done, sir. You're the perfect running mate for my presidential campaign. There I am; John McCain...can't lift my arms, old, fat cheeks, weakened, cranky, and smell like a three day old French Onion soup, and here you come, my Sarah Palin...ready to breathe new life into a dying effort. Well done, good sir.

Unfortunately for Craig, I'm stepping on his two previous posts for a rare spectacle of Bloggery, but it's necessary. The NFL season officially started 46 minutes ago, and I have yet to chime in on the state of the 2008 Philadelphia Eagles. So sorry Craig, but I've gotta take center stage.

The 2008 Eagles enter the season with some new faces (yo, Asante!!), some disgruntled faces (wassamattayou, Lito??), and some faces that look especially bloated in High Def (dear Lord, Andy). I've seen a number of previews on the Eagles this season, and the hopes are generally high. Both Dr. Z and Gene Wojciechowskisiskworski have the Eagles in the Super Bowl (although losing to the Pats, a scenario that would make me remove my rectum with a garden rake), and I'd say 95% of the other predictions have the Eagles no worse than a wild card team. Do I agree? I think so, but let's sloooooooow it down and take things one game at a time.

Joining me for this year's prognostications is my on again-off again lover, Miss Crown Royal. Needless to say, we're on. And IT'S on. Let's go.

Week 1: vs. Rams
Let's put it this way, this is the week where I'm really glad I went with Brian Westbrook over Adrian Peterson. The Eagles really shouldn't struggle with this game at all, and I see it as a good opportunity for the wideouts to develop chemistry with Donovan to start the season while Kevin Curtis is out. The one thing the Eagles have going against them is Andy Reid's history in season openers, which is something like 3-7. I absolutely think they'll win, but there's probably still some rust on the chainsaw.
Eagles 24, Rams 17 (Record: 1-0)

Week 2: @ Cowboys (MNF)
I think the Cowboys are the best team in the NFC, and although the wheels could definitely come off this team at some point, Week 2 is way too early. Dallas is too talented, and I definitely think people are underestimating the Pacman Jones impact. He's like Devin Hester, if only Devin Hester could play cornerback and not just be a gimmicky wide reciever (remember, Hester was drafted as a CB). I think we put up a decent fight, but Dallas wins, regardless of whether Jessica, Ashlee, or OJ Simpson is in the crowd to cheer on Tony Romo.
Eagles 23, Cowboys 31 (Record: 1-1)

Week 3: vs. Steelers
Me and Deewaan are going to this game because he's the coolest Best Man who's ever Best Manned. The Steelers absolutely throttled the Eagles the last time they played, back in 2004, but the tables should be turned this year. The Steelers have questions on both sides of the line of scrimmage, and that's probably where the Eagles are most solid this year. Besides, I'd have to be an idiot to pick the Steelers in a game where my yinzer wife was tagging along.
Eagles 28, Steelers 16 (Record: 2-1)

Week 4: @ Bears (SNF)
The Eagles giftwrapped a game for the Bears last year, making Brian Greise look like John Elway as he led Chicago on a historic 2 minute drive. I say historic because I don't think I've ever seen 11 men all quit at the exact same moment, but that's exactly what the Eagles defense did. It was unreal. Anyway, Donovan McNabb usually plays well in his hometown, and I expect the wide recievers to have built a good bit of confidence by this point in the season. I'll also put this on paper...after this game, people will be asking if DeSean Jackson is the NEW Devin Hester. No, tools, he's better.
Eagles 34, Bears 13 (Record: 3-1)

Week 5: vs. Redskins
I'm watching the Redskins right now. I know they're playing the Super Bowl champs and everything, but you know what they look like???? Thawed out dogshit.
Eagles 35, Redskins 10 (Record: 4-1)

Week 6: @49ers
This game's not until 4:15, which means I'll have to wait three hours longer than I'd like to watch Asante Samuel return two JT O'Sullivan picks for touchdowns. Oh well, I can wait.
Eagles 42, 49ers 6 (Record: 5-1)

Week 7: BYE

Week 8: vs. Falcons
Andy Reid wins every game following a bye week. The Falcons are possibly picking #1 in next year's draft. I know the last three games I've picked have been Eagles blowouts, but honestly, they could make the spread on this game 30 points and I'd still take the Eagles.
Eagles 45, Falcons 10 (Record: 6-1)

Week 9: @ Seahawks
Bold Prediction - After Julius Jones ruptures a hammy in the season opener, and TJ Duckett runs for less than 30 yards in three straight games, the Seahawks sign Shaun Alexander for the veteran minimum. Inspired to earn another NFL contract and prove he's still got something left in the tank, he reverts to his 2005 form and rushes for 125 yards in his first game back. Crazy, right? Yeah, but other than this scenario, I'm not sure why the Seahawks would be favored in this game. I've got to give the Eagles a loss before my credibility goes flying out the window, so I'll say the game is lost on a freak fumble on a botched field goal attempt.
Eagles 17, Seahawks 24 (Record: 6-2)

Week 10: vs. Giants (SNF)
Watching the season opener tonight, three things impress me...1) The Smooth, Delicious, Warm Flavor of Crown Royal, 2) Megan Fox in the High Def Transformers commercials, and 3) The G-Men. This is the doomsday scenario for the NFC East. The Giants are already playing the "nobody believes in us card" this season, now they're throttling a division opponent and reminding themselves that their quarterback is the reigning Super Bowl MVP. I'll buy the hype. Fun fact: As of this game, we'll know whether McCain or Obama is our next president.
Eagles 21, Giants 28 (Record: 6-3)

Week 11: @ Bengals
Chris Henry won't last the season on Cincinnati's roster, Chad Ocho Cinco's labrum injury will stop him from being a gamebreaker, and the Bengals will regret dumping Rudi Johnson. Seriously, this team has so many dumbasses on it, and they cut a guy who's never had a problem with his coaching staff, his teammates, or the law. Really smart. What's the thesis sentence, English majors?? Here it is. THE BENGALS BLOW AND DO EVERYTHING WRONG.
Eagles 31, Bengals 20 (Record: 7-3)

Week 12: @ Ravens
Joe Flacco's cousin goes to my church. Other than that, I have nothing good to say about this team.
Eagles 20, Ravens 10 (Record: 8-3)

Week 13: vs. Cardinals (Thanksgiving Night)
Here's the second game of the season I'm going to. My only real fear here is that me and my dad are going together, and every time we see an Eagles game together, something horrific happens (see: Ricky Watters "For Who For What", Donovan McNabb's exploding ACL...) I'll be honest with you, I don't care if the Eagles lose by 600 points, so long as I eat four turkey legs and drink three quarts of bourbon. But, since I'm predicting, I'll go with an upset. Cardinals win a lopsided game, as Andy Reid pulls a Paterno and runs off the field mid-game to empty his bowels after nine turkey pot pies.
Eagles 12, Cardinals 31 (Record: 8-4)

Week 14: @ Giants
Super Bowl Champs or not, we don't get swept by Eli and the boys. We've got a long week to recover after the Thanksgiving game, and a lot of film to watch after the loss earlier in the season. The Giants will be the favorites, but they won't win this one.
Eagles 23, Giants 21 (Record: 9-4)

Week 15: vs. Browns (MNF)
I think the Browns might be horrible this season. They're just being hyped too much for a team that hasn't made the playoffs since the glory days of Kelly Holcomb. Jamal Lewis can't possibly have a year like last year, Derek Anderson might have been figured out, and Kellen Winslow might be out of the NFL after President-Elect John McCain reinstates the Selective Service Draft and K2 is a Navy Seal on a black ops mission in Pyongyang hunting down Jordan's girlfriend's uncle.
Eagles 34, Browns 20 (Record: 10-4, Sweep AFC North)

Week 16: @ Redskins
Inspired by the tragic murder of safety LaRon Landry, the Redskins galvanize and come into this game on a three game winning streak, which boosts their season win total to three. However, the magic ends as Donovan and company move into a tie with the Cowboys after this win, setting up a Week 17 showdown for all the marbles.
Eagles 26, Redskins 21 (Record: 11-4)

Week 17: vs. Cowboys
While most teams this week will be trying to lose to gain an extra two slots in the 2009 draft, the Eagles and Cowboys are playing for the division crown, a bye week, and homefield throughout the playoffs. The game gets out of reach just after halftime though, and the Eagles back into the playoffs as the #5 seed, a wild card berth.
Eagles 14, Cowboys 28 (Record: 11-5)

Wild Card Round: @ Cardinals (NFC West Champs)
The Cardinals win this horrible division with a putrid 8-8 record over the Seahawks, who finish at 7-9. Embarrassed by the Thanksgiving Day debacle, the Eagles come out fired up and make this game a laugher by the end of the first quarter. The Cardinals' dynamic duo of Larry Fitzgerald and Anquan Boldin are so humbled by the loss, that after the game, they beg the Eagles to trade for them in the offseason. They don't.
Eagles 38, Cardinals 6

Divisional Round: @ Cowboys (NFC East Champs)
Tony Romo, fresh off a bye-week vacation to Amsterdam with his new celebrity girlfriend, Miley Cyrus, goes 6 for 32 for 61 yards and 3 INTs. Terrell Owens is so pissed off after the game that he demands to be traded in the offseason, and when asked which team he'd be interested in going to, he breaks down crying and begs Donovan McNabb and the Eagles to take him back in the offseason. They don't.
Eagles 27, Cowboys 10

NFC Championship: @ Saints (NFC South Champs)
Drew Brees, fresh off his MVP season, is rolling on all cylinders as he spreads the ball around all night to his favorite targets, Reggie Bush, Jeremy Shockey, and Marques Colston (notice I didn't say Robert Meachem!!). The game ends on a controversial call by Andy Reid, who decides to punt on 4th and 2 rather than hand the ball to Pro Bowl fullback Tony Hunt, who's a remarkable 22 for 22 on third and fourth down conversions on the season. The season ends in the Big Easy once again.
Eagles 23, Saints 24

So there you have it. My semi-drunk look in to the future of everybody's favorite hometown team. But seriously, as long as I get those turkey legs and bourbon, they can go 0-16 and I'll be one happy dude.

Week 9 Chumleys

For one week only, we excuse the ritual of photoshopping league members onto Heisman trophies to honor All Day.
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I know what you're thinking..."Chumleys BEFORE Bajingos and Sasquatches?! What the hell?!?! You LIED to me!!! You son ofa BITCH!!!" Well, what can I say, the past couple days at work have been hectic and I definitely want to make sure I get these awards handed out in a timely fashion. We'll get to B's and S's. Just not yet. Hang tight, you gorgeous men.

Game 1: Shelby def. Aaron - And the Chumley goes to...
Joseph Addai, RB, Ind - Last week I repeatedly mentioned that the Colts needed to get Addai rolling if they wanted to hang tight with the Pats. Well, Addai got himself rolling in a big way, taking a pass 73 yards just before halftime for a touchdown. He ended up with 112 yards rushing and 114 yards receiving. Although the AFC Championship would likely be held in Foxboro, the Colts showed enough in this game (without Marvin Harrison, nonetheless) to make the rematch extremely interesting should it happen. I disagree with Mike about handing the Pats the Super Bowl trophy just yet. The Colts are still the champs, and come January, they'll be eager to defend their title. Don't count them out yet. They could easily repeat.

Game 2: Rich def. Mike - And the Chumley goes to...
Tony Romo, QB, Dal - I hate rewarding players who beat the Eagles. I hate it even more when they play for Dallas. But Romo played well in front of a hostile Sunday Night Linc crowd, going 20/25, with 324 yards and 3 TD's. Peter King's Monday Morning Quarterback column pointed out that Romo essentially signed the same deal as the Rams gave to Marc Bulger just before the season. Ladies and gentlemen, that is one terrible agent.
Marc Bulger:
A) Spells his name with a 'c' instead of a 'k'. French people spell it that way.
B) Is the quarterback of an 0-8 team.
C) Is 3 years older than Tony Romo.
D) Couldn't bang Carrie Underwood if you gave her three Roofie Coladas.

Seriously though, that agent should have been fired on the spot. What a deal for Dallas.

Game 3: Hefty def. Adam - And the Chumley goes to...
Adrian Peterson, RB, Min - The only thing that bothers me about watching Peterson is that he's always lowering his head. Didn't this guy shatter his collarbone? I'd be leery of using my head as a battering ram if I had a flimsy bone supporting it. But anyway, that's the only thing that bothers me. He got 30 carries with a healthy Chester Taylor, which leads me to believe that Brad Childress has finally woken up and smelled the Sanka. Speaking of Vikings personnel moves, how about the Koy Detmer signing by the Vikes???? You're kidding me, right? Kelly Holcomb's neck injury is no reason to bring in Captain Neckbeard.
By the way, if any sequence of events leads to Koy Detmer starting again in the NFL, there's no possible point spread that could keep me from getting back in the gambling circuit and betting against Minnesota. (OK, that sounded exactly like something Bill Simmons would type, but I stand by it).

Game 4: Jordan def. Melvin - And the Chumley goes to...
Greg Jennings, WR, GB - Greg Jennings, eh? Well, to be honest, I don't know a damn thing about him, but ESPN tells me that he's the 13th best WR in the NFL. That's shocking to say the least. Am I the only one who goes to sleep every night praying for a Brett Favre steroid scandal? Even a Vicodin relapse would be acceptable at this point. Somebody has to end the feel good story in Green Bay. It's too much. Like those chocolate donuts that are also glazed that Dunkin Donuts sells. Come on. It's either chocolate or it's glazed. Make up your mind.

Game 5: Slims def. Shawn - And the Chumley goes to...
Clinton Portis, RB, Was - Portis had a monster game, racking up 196 yards on 36 carries (which is 100 yards fewer than Peterson on 6 more carries...just saying...), and a touchdown. Probably a bittersweet week for Slimmy though, as both of his Johnsons (Larry and Chad) are up in the air for next week's game. I'd also like to thank Slimmy for beating Shawn and putting me within one game of the divisional lead, and also for not getting upset at my awkward message board posting. For the record, I voted for "A Hug", and I'd be proud to give one to you next time I see you.

Game 6: Craig def. Deewaan - And the Chumley goes to...
Earnest Graham, RB, TB - How I arrived at my decision: I'm not rewarding T.O. on the off chance he reads my work, I'm not rewarding Westbrook, or any other Eagle after that shitstain on the rug that was Week 9, Bobby Engram came extremely close to winning, but in the end, I had to give it to Graham. The most eye-popping stat? 34 carries. For Earnest Graham??? Who the eff is this guy? And he's toting the rock 34 times against Arizona, killing clock in a 17-10 win? He also probably singlehandedly kept me alive in my survivor pool, which is reason enough for me to give him the trophy.

Congratulations to all the winners. This race is really starting to heat up, with 3 second-time winners this week. Randy Moss still has a leg up on the field, but this is anyone's game with 4 weeks to play.

Grade The Trade: 9/20/07

Adam takes a dump all over the rest of the league with this ridiculous trade.

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BREAKING: Adam Davis and Paul Davis (Hmmm...that's weird, they have the same last name) announce a 4 player deal. The trade will send Peyton Manning to Paul, who sends Cadillac Williams, LaMont Jordan, and Jason Campbell to Adam.
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From Paul's Perspective: Let me get this straight. You trade three of your backups for the best quarterback ever to play the game. OK, I think we're done here. But just in case we're not, let's dig into this one a little bit. The fact that Paul traded Cadillac Williams (6th round, 70th overall), LaMont Jordan (9th round, 99th overall), and Jason Campell (13th round, 147th overall) for Peyton Manning (1st round, 8th overall) is CRIMINAL. If these two had announced before the draft that Adam was giving his 1st Round Pick to Paul for his 6th, 9th, and 13th, we would have rioted. So what's the difference 2 weeks into the season? If this trade does hold up (and I hope it doesn't...), Slimmy now adresses his one major weakness, Philip Rivers at QB. His team now starts Manning, LJ, Portis, The Bengal Twins, and Andre Johnson (when healthy). Simply put, I and 9 other of my leaguemates will be dancing in the streets if LJ blows out an ACL.
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From Adam's Perspective: I honestly have no idea where to start. Idiotic is the first word that comes to mind. Conspiracy is the second. What the eff? You really just traded your first pick of the draft for two running backs who WERE THE BIGGEST BUSTS IN FANTASY LAST SEASON and a throw-in black quarterback. Honestly, were any two running backs more disappointing last year than Caddy and LaMont? (Ok, Ronnie Brown, you can put your hand down...I'm trying to prove a point...) What makes you think this year will be any different? The first two weeks of the season? Here's a fact: Dominic Rhodes is back in two games, so LaMont Jordan is going to take another nosedive. Cadillac Williams doubled his 2006 touchdown total in last week's game. He's not a 10 touchdown guy! He's a 5 touchdown guy maybe. You can say that Jeff Garcia is moving the offense more effectively than Gradkowski did last year, but a tiger can't change his stripes. Caddy's not the kind of reward you'd expect to get back for trading the BEST QB EVER. Listen, I know I made fun of your backfield last week. Musa Smith and Chester Taylor can make a man do strange things, I get it. But flushing your season down the toilet so you can pick up two middle-of-the-pack running backs is stupid. You should have rested on your laurels, waited for another shitty week out of Brees, Bulger or McNabb, and pounced. You want to know how many guys are 100% happy with their current QB situation? Here's the list: You, Me, Rich. The. End. There are 9 other owners who are probably having some second thoughts about taking the wrong guy. So what do you do? You completely puss out and trade with your brother. Gay. I'm mailing Anthrax to the three guys you're getting in this trade. You don't deserve anything in return. You pussed out. You could have traded with Craig! You know, the guy with Vince Young and three of the best receivers in football? I just think you took the easy way out. I would have felt much better about this if there was at least a major family holiday that just happened. If this were Thanksgiving, I could tell myself, "Oh, Adam just drank too much and ate too much turkey. He probably got a little woozy and Slimmy talked him into a trade that a five year old would have turned down...Ah, well, boys will be boys!!" But no. You gave away Peyton Manning for three guys most teams could have found in their couch cushions. You suck. Faggot.

The Winner: Paul Davis by Technical Knockout

By the way, I had a good bit of Crown before I wrote this. So you can ignore the faggot line. The rest of it I'm pretty sure I'd admit to when sober.

Mock Lobster: Matt Melvin (Pick #10)

This picture and an empty bottle of Crown Royal are the only reminders I have that the Eagles actually made the Super Bowl in my lifetime.

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Mock Draft Pick #10: Matt Melvin selects Brian Westbrook, RB, Phi

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2006 Rushing Stats: 240 carries, 1217 yards, 7 touchdowns

2006 Receiving Stats: 77 catches, 699 yards, 4 touchdowns

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At this point in the mock draft, the next few guys off the board are pretty much going to give you the same thing. So if you're an Eagles fan, why not just take the guy you can watch 16 games a year and actually get excited when he gets in the end zone? Not that Westbrook's stats are pedestrian. His 11 touchdowns and 1900 total yard effort in '06 was easily the best of his career. In fact, prior to 2006, Westbrook had never gotten over 200 carries in a season, and never put up 1000 yards rushing. But what he lacks in carries, he'll often repay you catching the ball. The Eagles, despite the argument from local radio kingpin Howard Eskin, are notorious for throwing far more often than they run, even when they have a game in hand. That's actually one of the few drawbacks to owning Westbrook and being an Eagles fan. When the Eagles are up 27-10, you want to see Westbrook carrying the ball, padding his stats, not 5 yard outs to Matt Schobel. But I digress. Westbrook is certainly a top-10 fantasy talent, and as long as he and McNabb can stay healthy, he should perform to expectations. One new area of concern for 2007 is the presence of our boy Tony Hunt, who may end up cleaning up around the goal line and stealing some of the Eagles' rushing TD opportunities. I'd look for another 1600+ yard season from Brian, with maybe 8-9 touchdowns sprinkled in.

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And if he stinks this year, I'll go through a couple extra bottles of Crown Royal. It's a win-win!