The Most Accurate Thing You'll Ever Read Ever Ever

Not pictured: My raging boner.

First of all, let me say how proud I am of Craig. His first day on the job, and he's already banged out two preview columns. Well done, sir. You're the perfect running mate for my presidential campaign. There I am; John McCain...can't lift my arms, old, fat cheeks, weakened, cranky, and smell like a three day old French Onion soup, and here you come, my Sarah Palin...ready to breathe new life into a dying effort. Well done, good sir.

Unfortunately for Craig, I'm stepping on his two previous posts for a rare spectacle of Bloggery, but it's necessary. The NFL season officially started 46 minutes ago, and I have yet to chime in on the state of the 2008 Philadelphia Eagles. So sorry Craig, but I've gotta take center stage.

The 2008 Eagles enter the season with some new faces (yo, Asante!!), some disgruntled faces (wassamattayou, Lito??), and some faces that look especially bloated in High Def (dear Lord, Andy). I've seen a number of previews on the Eagles this season, and the hopes are generally high. Both Dr. Z and Gene Wojciechowskisiskworski have the Eagles in the Super Bowl (although losing to the Pats, a scenario that would make me remove my rectum with a garden rake), and I'd say 95% of the other predictions have the Eagles no worse than a wild card team. Do I agree? I think so, but let's sloooooooow it down and take things one game at a time.

Joining me for this year's prognostications is my on again-off again lover, Miss Crown Royal. Needless to say, we're on. And IT'S on. Let's go.

Week 1: vs. Rams
Let's put it this way, this is the week where I'm really glad I went with Brian Westbrook over Adrian Peterson. The Eagles really shouldn't struggle with this game at all, and I see it as a good opportunity for the wideouts to develop chemistry with Donovan to start the season while Kevin Curtis is out. The one thing the Eagles have going against them is Andy Reid's history in season openers, which is something like 3-7. I absolutely think they'll win, but there's probably still some rust on the chainsaw.
Eagles 24, Rams 17 (Record: 1-0)

Week 2: @ Cowboys (MNF)
I think the Cowboys are the best team in the NFC, and although the wheels could definitely come off this team at some point, Week 2 is way too early. Dallas is too talented, and I definitely think people are underestimating the Pacman Jones impact. He's like Devin Hester, if only Devin Hester could play cornerback and not just be a gimmicky wide reciever (remember, Hester was drafted as a CB). I think we put up a decent fight, but Dallas wins, regardless of whether Jessica, Ashlee, or OJ Simpson is in the crowd to cheer on Tony Romo.
Eagles 23, Cowboys 31 (Record: 1-1)

Week 3: vs. Steelers
Me and Deewaan are going to this game because he's the coolest Best Man who's ever Best Manned. The Steelers absolutely throttled the Eagles the last time they played, back in 2004, but the tables should be turned this year. The Steelers have questions on both sides of the line of scrimmage, and that's probably where the Eagles are most solid this year. Besides, I'd have to be an idiot to pick the Steelers in a game where my yinzer wife was tagging along.
Eagles 28, Steelers 16 (Record: 2-1)

Week 4: @ Bears (SNF)
The Eagles giftwrapped a game for the Bears last year, making Brian Greise look like John Elway as he led Chicago on a historic 2 minute drive. I say historic because I don't think I've ever seen 11 men all quit at the exact same moment, but that's exactly what the Eagles defense did. It was unreal. Anyway, Donovan McNabb usually plays well in his hometown, and I expect the wide recievers to have built a good bit of confidence by this point in the season. I'll also put this on paper...after this game, people will be asking if DeSean Jackson is the NEW Devin Hester. No, tools, he's better.
Eagles 34, Bears 13 (Record: 3-1)

Week 5: vs. Redskins
I'm watching the Redskins right now. I know they're playing the Super Bowl champs and everything, but you know what they look like???? Thawed out dogshit.
Eagles 35, Redskins 10 (Record: 4-1)

Week 6: @49ers
This game's not until 4:15, which means I'll have to wait three hours longer than I'd like to watch Asante Samuel return two JT O'Sullivan picks for touchdowns. Oh well, I can wait.
Eagles 42, 49ers 6 (Record: 5-1)

Week 7: BYE

Week 8: vs. Falcons
Andy Reid wins every game following a bye week. The Falcons are possibly picking #1 in next year's draft. I know the last three games I've picked have been Eagles blowouts, but honestly, they could make the spread on this game 30 points and I'd still take the Eagles.
Eagles 45, Falcons 10 (Record: 6-1)

Week 9: @ Seahawks
Bold Prediction - After Julius Jones ruptures a hammy in the season opener, and TJ Duckett runs for less than 30 yards in three straight games, the Seahawks sign Shaun Alexander for the veteran minimum. Inspired to earn another NFL contract and prove he's still got something left in the tank, he reverts to his 2005 form and rushes for 125 yards in his first game back. Crazy, right? Yeah, but other than this scenario, I'm not sure why the Seahawks would be favored in this game. I've got to give the Eagles a loss before my credibility goes flying out the window, so I'll say the game is lost on a freak fumble on a botched field goal attempt.
Eagles 17, Seahawks 24 (Record: 6-2)

Week 10: vs. Giants (SNF)
Watching the season opener tonight, three things impress me...1) The Smooth, Delicious, Warm Flavor of Crown Royal, 2) Megan Fox in the High Def Transformers commercials, and 3) The G-Men. This is the doomsday scenario for the NFC East. The Giants are already playing the "nobody believes in us card" this season, now they're throttling a division opponent and reminding themselves that their quarterback is the reigning Super Bowl MVP. I'll buy the hype. Fun fact: As of this game, we'll know whether McCain or Obama is our next president.
Eagles 21, Giants 28 (Record: 6-3)

Week 11: @ Bengals
Chris Henry won't last the season on Cincinnati's roster, Chad Ocho Cinco's labrum injury will stop him from being a gamebreaker, and the Bengals will regret dumping Rudi Johnson. Seriously, this team has so many dumbasses on it, and they cut a guy who's never had a problem with his coaching staff, his teammates, or the law. Really smart. What's the thesis sentence, English majors?? Here it is. THE BENGALS BLOW AND DO EVERYTHING WRONG.
Eagles 31, Bengals 20 (Record: 7-3)

Week 12: @ Ravens
Joe Flacco's cousin goes to my church. Other than that, I have nothing good to say about this team.
Eagles 20, Ravens 10 (Record: 8-3)

Week 13: vs. Cardinals (Thanksgiving Night)
Here's the second game of the season I'm going to. My only real fear here is that me and my dad are going together, and every time we see an Eagles game together, something horrific happens (see: Ricky Watters "For Who For What", Donovan McNabb's exploding ACL...) I'll be honest with you, I don't care if the Eagles lose by 600 points, so long as I eat four turkey legs and drink three quarts of bourbon. But, since I'm predicting, I'll go with an upset. Cardinals win a lopsided game, as Andy Reid pulls a Paterno and runs off the field mid-game to empty his bowels after nine turkey pot pies.
Eagles 12, Cardinals 31 (Record: 8-4)

Week 14: @ Giants
Super Bowl Champs or not, we don't get swept by Eli and the boys. We've got a long week to recover after the Thanksgiving game, and a lot of film to watch after the loss earlier in the season. The Giants will be the favorites, but they won't win this one.
Eagles 23, Giants 21 (Record: 9-4)

Week 15: vs. Browns (MNF)
I think the Browns might be horrible this season. They're just being hyped too much for a team that hasn't made the playoffs since the glory days of Kelly Holcomb. Jamal Lewis can't possibly have a year like last year, Derek Anderson might have been figured out, and Kellen Winslow might be out of the NFL after President-Elect John McCain reinstates the Selective Service Draft and K2 is a Navy Seal on a black ops mission in Pyongyang hunting down Jordan's girlfriend's uncle.
Eagles 34, Browns 20 (Record: 10-4, Sweep AFC North)

Week 16: @ Redskins
Inspired by the tragic murder of safety LaRon Landry, the Redskins galvanize and come into this game on a three game winning streak, which boosts their season win total to three. However, the magic ends as Donovan and company move into a tie with the Cowboys after this win, setting up a Week 17 showdown for all the marbles.
Eagles 26, Redskins 21 (Record: 11-4)

Week 17: vs. Cowboys
While most teams this week will be trying to lose to gain an extra two slots in the 2009 draft, the Eagles and Cowboys are playing for the division crown, a bye week, and homefield throughout the playoffs. The game gets out of reach just after halftime though, and the Eagles back into the playoffs as the #5 seed, a wild card berth.
Eagles 14, Cowboys 28 (Record: 11-5)

Wild Card Round: @ Cardinals (NFC West Champs)
The Cardinals win this horrible division with a putrid 8-8 record over the Seahawks, who finish at 7-9. Embarrassed by the Thanksgiving Day debacle, the Eagles come out fired up and make this game a laugher by the end of the first quarter. The Cardinals' dynamic duo of Larry Fitzgerald and Anquan Boldin are so humbled by the loss, that after the game, they beg the Eagles to trade for them in the offseason. They don't.
Eagles 38, Cardinals 6

Divisional Round: @ Cowboys (NFC East Champs)
Tony Romo, fresh off a bye-week vacation to Amsterdam with his new celebrity girlfriend, Miley Cyrus, goes 6 for 32 for 61 yards and 3 INTs. Terrell Owens is so pissed off after the game that he demands to be traded in the offseason, and when asked which team he'd be interested in going to, he breaks down crying and begs Donovan McNabb and the Eagles to take him back in the offseason. They don't.
Eagles 27, Cowboys 10

NFC Championship: @ Saints (NFC South Champs)
Drew Brees, fresh off his MVP season, is rolling on all cylinders as he spreads the ball around all night to his favorite targets, Reggie Bush, Jeremy Shockey, and Marques Colston (notice I didn't say Robert Meachem!!). The game ends on a controversial call by Andy Reid, who decides to punt on 4th and 2 rather than hand the ball to Pro Bowl fullback Tony Hunt, who's a remarkable 22 for 22 on third and fourth down conversions on the season. The season ends in the Big Easy once again.
Eagles 23, Saints 24

So there you have it. My semi-drunk look in to the future of everybody's favorite hometown team. But seriously, as long as I get those turkey legs and bourbon, they can go 0-16 and I'll be one happy dude.

Round-Up: Week 4 Bajingos and Sasquatches

Santonio Holmes led all wide receivers on Sunday with 27.3 points.

OK, Mikey touched on it, Deewaan expanded on it, but let's shoot from the hip here. This was a gawd-awful Pennsylvania futbol weekend. It's bad enough that Penn State lost, but having to watch the ESPN game tracker to find out what's going on is primitive and excruciating. I hate this Big Ten Network with every fiber of my body. While Penn State is playing the meat of their schedule, Comcast Cable shows me games like "Akron-Connecticut", "Temple-Army", "Northern Illinois-Central Michigan", and of course, "Villanova-James Madison". This is a freaking joke. I enjoy nothing more than laying on the couch and watching football, but even I can't justify watching that crap.
So that's Saturday. Sunday rolled around, and while the Eagles-Giants was technically on television, I'm not sure I actually watched it. What I watched was a Donovan McNabb snuff film shot in High Def. This is (with the bizarrely notable exception of Week 3), the most excruciating team to watch in the NFL. Three out of their four games have been impossible to watch with any sense of excitement. The highest my blood pressure got all game was when Reno Mahe fumbled a punt. Thank you, Reno, you may now return to your job as a bus boy at Chickie's and Pete's. Awful.
Sidenote: Pittsburgh-Arizona wasn't necessarily an unentertaining game, but I had some severe nausea going from power-smoking my NL East Division Champion victory cigar and watched most of the game with a pillow over my head.
Ah yes, the Phillies. Glad I mentioned them. This was really the one bright spot of the weekend. I know earlier in the season I said that once the NFL kicked off, it was football season. I know I said the Phils would finish four games out. But I need something else other than NFL in my life right now. This playoff run is coming at a great time. Bring on the Colo-diego Rock-dres!!! (Stupid cell phone commercials, now you've got me doing it.)

BAJINGOS

1. Matt Leinart - Watching this game as a Cardinals fan must have been rough. They bench Leinart, bring Warner in. Warner gets them the lead, so they bring Leinart back in. Leinart gets banged up, so they bring Warner back in. Leinart shakes it off, so they bring Leinart back in. Where am I going with this? Ah yes. Matt Leinart stinks in real life and definitely stinks in fantasy life.
2. Jeff Wilkins - Thanks for the negative point, asspenis.
3. Philip Rivers - 211 passing yards, but also had numerous turnovers that you can see on your favorite NFL highlights show. The net result was 4.1 fantasy points, and 2.1 of those were from completed passes. Ugly game. Ugly team in general. Bad coach, lame QB, underachieving defense, stupid new uniforms.
4. Craigger's Set It and Forget It Receivers - Javon Walker didn't play, T.O. only managed 3 catches for 33 yards in a bloodbath over the Rams, and Marvin Harrison dinged up his knee, leaving him with just one catch for eight yards. On the bright side, Bobby Engram caught a touchdown.
5. Steve Smith - A Bajingo two weeks in a row. 5 catches for 32 yards, and he may be playing with David Carr for the forseeable future. Not what I had in mind when I drafted the guy.

SASQUATCHES

1. Tony Romo - Holy crap, son. This guy has been unbelievable all year long, and although I hate complimenting Cowboys, he has definitely made them the team to beat. I liked him better when we all thought that bobbled snap would break his fragile psyche and he'd be horrendous.
2. Dallas Clark/Jason Witten - The Melvin-Fidler battle royale is coming down to the wire, and two of the reasons why are the tight ends. Dallas reeled in 2 TDs and 76 yards, Witten had 71 yards and a score of his own.
3. Jerry Porter - Wait a minute? This is the guy I just traded away for Wes Welker and a pair of gym socks? The guy I was ecstatic about including in any trade package just so I could show him the door? He had two touchdowns? Really????? Ugh. That may be the record for quickest trade-regret in fantasy history.
4. Peyton Manning - A solid day against a tough defense. 193 yards, 3 passing touchdowns, and a rushing touchdown. Sidenote: Cadillac Williams tore his patella tendon yesterday, Adam, so be thankful we didn't let you trade Manning for him. I can guarantee you'd be upset about that one today.
5. LaDainian - I think he's back on track. 132 rushing yards and a touchdown. As Peter King points out in his column though, 112 of those yards were in the first half. With the game still in question until late in the fourth, you're telling me you couldn't have come up with a few more plays for the reigning MVP? Still, I'll gladly take this over his last three weeks. Good game, little buddy.

International Blog Like A Pirate Day

I don't make the rules, I just follow them...
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Yargggh!! Ahoy me mateys! While I was driving me schooner to work today, I listened to a couple of landlubbers named Opie and Anthony who informed me that today be "International Talk Like A Pirate Day!" Avast!! I did some thinking and decided that I should post an entire blog filled with Pirate Slang! Yarrrgh!!!
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Let's talk about the sorry seadogs we call The Philadelphia Eagles. Great Poseidon's porpoise, does this whole team have scurvy?! I be thinking that Donovan McNabb had his gimpy leg replaced with a peg leg!!! If these lads seek the Treasure of Lombardi, they'll need to turn the rudder over to Kevin Kolb!! Yarggggh!!! Don't these Eagles know it's bad luck to have a woman on board a ship? They'll need to throw that lass McNabb overboard if they're to get their heading back!
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And the wide recievers?? Shiver me timbers!!! Aye, I've got ten men on this poopdeck who can swim faster than these mutts can run!!! Are they carryin cannonballs with them downfield? Get off the line of scrimmage you landlubbers!!
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And don't get me started on Captain Andy Reid. Methinks a mutiny may be in order!! This Jolly Roger isn't fit to run a dingy!! He needs to focus on keeping his two boys away from the rum! And that parrot on his shoulder, Marty Morninwheg needs to get a little creativity in his play calling, because this offense is headed straight for Davy Jones' locker.
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And the defense. Yargh, the defense. Tis a respectable unit, from what I can see out of my unpatched eye, but the sailors are getting banged up in a terrible way. The secondary's lost more men than we did after our latest encounter with the British Navy!

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And the special teams. They've already made JR Reed walk the plank. I say they need to go one step further! Make that salty dog Greg Lewis walk the plank with him!! I wouldn't let that fairy on board my boat unless we were all out of men to rape and pillage.
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Aye, so there ya have it, Eagles fans. My take on the team complete with all the pirate's booty you could ever hope for. And if we head into the bye week 0-4, I really am jumping ship.

Week 2 Photo Finishes: MotownPhilly Edition

Can David Akers kick Craig Fritz into an 0-2 hole? Can Reno Mahe field a punt? Can Andy Reid call any creative offensive plays? Tune in tonight and find out!!

Tonight is Monday Night. And it's also Redskins-Eagles night. It's certainly the most tame out of our division rivalries, but still, one to take seriously. And any time we could be two games behind the Cowboys and the Redskins in the division by Tuesday morning, well, it's time to nut up or shut up.
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It's also nut up or shut up time for two fantasy squads tonight. One game is still hanging in the balance, and we'll break it down to see who's got the edge.

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Game 1: Craig (Brian Westbrook and a 7.9 point lead) vs. Melvin (Donovan McNabb and David Akers)

Analysis - McNabb and Akers will certainly have their chances in this one. The offense should be embarrassed and motivated after the debacle at Green Bay, so I'm not sure we'll see Philadelphia struggle to put points up tonight. The question for this game though, is who will be the recipient of McNabb's tosses? If Reggie Brown and Kevin Curtis can establish a rhythym against the Redskins corners, than Melvin wins this game. But if McNabb has to rely on dumpoffs to Westbrook, then McNabb's points are negated. My prediction is that the David Akers points make the difference here and Melvin steals a win.
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All of the other games appear to be set in stone. Jordan could upset Slimmy if the defense pitches a shutout and returns some picks for touchdowns, but realistically speaking, Slimmy with a 21.4 point lead and Clinton Portis should roll to victory. Let's just hope our Birds can do the same. My Monday Night Prediction: Eagles 24, Redskins 14
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Your Monday Night Power Picks in the comments, please.

Mock Lobster: Matt Melvin (Pick #10)

This picture and an empty bottle of Crown Royal are the only reminders I have that the Eagles actually made the Super Bowl in my lifetime.

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Mock Draft Pick #10: Matt Melvin selects Brian Westbrook, RB, Phi

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2006 Rushing Stats: 240 carries, 1217 yards, 7 touchdowns

2006 Receiving Stats: 77 catches, 699 yards, 4 touchdowns

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At this point in the mock draft, the next few guys off the board are pretty much going to give you the same thing. So if you're an Eagles fan, why not just take the guy you can watch 16 games a year and actually get excited when he gets in the end zone? Not that Westbrook's stats are pedestrian. His 11 touchdowns and 1900 total yard effort in '06 was easily the best of his career. In fact, prior to 2006, Westbrook had never gotten over 200 carries in a season, and never put up 1000 yards rushing. But what he lacks in carries, he'll often repay you catching the ball. The Eagles, despite the argument from local radio kingpin Howard Eskin, are notorious for throwing far more often than they run, even when they have a game in hand. That's actually one of the few drawbacks to owning Westbrook and being an Eagles fan. When the Eagles are up 27-10, you want to see Westbrook carrying the ball, padding his stats, not 5 yard outs to Matt Schobel. But I digress. Westbrook is certainly a top-10 fantasy talent, and as long as he and McNabb can stay healthy, he should perform to expectations. One new area of concern for 2007 is the presence of our boy Tony Hunt, who may end up cleaning up around the goal line and stealing some of the Eagles' rushing TD opportunities. I'd look for another 1600+ yard season from Brian, with maybe 8-9 touchdowns sprinkled in.

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And if he stinks this year, I'll go through a couple extra bottles of Crown Royal. It's a win-win!

Break It Down: The 2007 Philadelphia Eagles

Walk it off, you queef.

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With half the "Get To Know A Leaguemate" posts completed, I thought we'd switch gears for a moment from fantasy football to real live football. We'll be taking a look at my one true love in this world, the Philadelphia Eagles, and take a stab at how this season might turn out for the Birds.
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To start, if I had to guess whether McNabb comes back and has a good, injury-free year, I'd lean towards him sucking it up, avoiding catastrophe, and having a pretty damn good year. I know a lot of that is left up to chance, but I believe the Kevin Kolb draft, plus the fact that the Eagles will likely not pay him after the 2008 season, makes me believe he has enough of a chip on his shoulder to play to prove to prospective employers that he still has the goods, and isn't an injury riddled disaster (see Culpepper, Daunte).

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Plus, Chase Utley's already on the DL, and contrary to all evidence otherwise, I just don't believe that God hates Philadelphia sports fans that much.

The defense looks good on paper, with names like Jevon Kearse, Brian Dawkins, and newcomer Takeo Spikes. Then again, it's not 2003, and all these guys will have to show they can bring it for this defense to be at its best, and give this team a shot to go deep into the playoffs.

Let's take a peek at the schedule and I'll gaze into my crystal ball for some Win-Loss projections.

Week 1: @ Packers - WIN. Great googly moogly, if there's one gimme road win on the schedule, it's this one. I'm actually in favor of sitting McNabb out of this one. Give Kolb the start. Let him get the rush of playing his first NFL game at Lambeau, give McNabb another week to rest, and give the fans a glimpse of what this kid has to offer. Like any Eagles fan ever watched a Houston Cougars game before. As a bonus, if Kolb stinks up the joint, he won't suffer the humiliation of being booed by the home fans.

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Week 2: vs. Redskins - WIN. I don't think there's much explaination needed here.

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Week 3: vs. Lions - WIN. I may take Angie to see the foliage this weekend instead of watching this one.

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Week 4: @ Giants - LOSS. I know. The Giants suck. But let's be honest, I can't see us at 4-0 at the bye week. No logic behind this pick, but I say we take one in the hindparts here and drop to 3-1.

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Week 5: BYE.

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Week 6: @ Jets - WIN. Do not adjust your TiVo. Two straight games at the Meadowlands. But we win this one. We always win after bye weeks.

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Week 7: vs. Bears - LOSS. Robbie Gould beats us at the buzzer. Asshole.

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Week 8: @ Vikings - WIN. Fun fact: The Vikings have a Viking guy blow into a giant Viking horn every time the Vikings get a first down. Second Fun fact: You won't hear that horn at all during this game. Third Fun fact: Beat them at their own game. Do a plastic trumpet beer bong every time the Eagles force the Vikings to punt.

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Week 9: vs. Cowboys - WIN. I'd sell 95% of my plasma to go to this game in person.

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Week 10: @ Redskins - WIN. I debated predicting that this would be the one week in every season where Santana Moss actually tries and goes off for 4 touchdowns, but the odds are so slim, we'll just pencil in a win.

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Week 11: vs. Dolphins - WIN. The old Ace Ventura Super Bowl rematch. Too bad the Dolphins suck now.

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Week 12: @ Patriots - LOSS. And a drubbing at that. I wish this weren't on the schedule. It's the Sunday Night game too.

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Week 13: vs. Seahawks - LOSS. And just like that, we've got a nifty little two-game losing streak going. Just like that, everybody hops off the bandwagon, and is calling for Andy Reid to get fired.

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Week 14: vs. Giants - WIN. Because we don't get swept by the Giants this year.

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Week 15: @ Cowboys - LOSS. Because we don't sweep the Cowboys this year.

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Week 16: @ Saints - LOSS. Can we pleeeeease stop making road trips to New Orleans? Pour yourself a nice tall hurricane before this game starts.

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Week 17: vs. Bills - WIN. Kevin Kolb gets win number 2 as an NFL starter!

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Final Record 10-6, NFC East Champions.

Any Steelers fans want to do the Pittsburgh post???? Anybody want to do the PSU post?