Week 12 Photo Finishes: Late Night Munchies Edition

Good to have you back, you mellow weirdo.

Well, the Worldwide Leader got some good news. You see, when you put a 0-10 team on MNF, people tend to watch other programming, like say "Dancing With The Stars" or "Chuck". But when one of the most polarizing NFL figures of all time returns to that 0-10 team, and will apparently start for that 0-10 team? Well, now you've got gripping television, my friend.
In my honest opinion, I don't expect Ricky to make anybody think it's 2002 again. He's got to be out of shape at this point after time away from the game. But I must say it's nice to have a strange dude like Ricky back in the NFL discussion. I'm finding myself missing Mikey Vick already.

But, several of you won't be watching for Ricky. You'll be watching for your fantasy teams, you greedy little piggies. Well, let's see who'll be smoking a victory blunt tonight, and who'll be hitting the bong to ease the pain of defeat.

Game 1: Rich (26.8 point lead) vs. Aaron (Steelers D)
You know the old saying. Any time you have a two-time-Chumley-Award-winning defense playing, you've still got a chance. The Steelers D probably should be able to cover this gap for Aaron. Ricky fumbles for a defensive touchdown, CleoJohn LemonBeck throws a pick-six, the defense gives up three points...this could definitely happen. I'll go out on my longest limb of the season and say Aaron wins by 0.2 points on a defensive gem by Steeltown.

Game 2: Deewaan (22.2 point lead) vs. The Team Without A GM (Heath Miller)
Miller might grab a touchdown, but he shouldn't get anywhere close to 22.2 points. I'll say he puts up a quiet 40-yardish day. Dave hangs on.

Game 3: Adam (Hines Ward, 34 point lead) vs. Shawn (Willie Parker)
Although I think Pittsburgh will work the ground game heavily (especially after halftime), Parker hasn't had a game bigger than 22 points all season. I could see him getting up around 25, but that still won't be enough to overtake Adam. Adam wins and everybody is officially on notice that Tom Brady will be playing fantasy playoff football.

Round-Up: Week 4 Bajingos and Sasquatches

Santonio Holmes led all wide receivers on Sunday with 27.3 points.

OK, Mikey touched on it, Deewaan expanded on it, but let's shoot from the hip here. This was a gawd-awful Pennsylvania futbol weekend. It's bad enough that Penn State lost, but having to watch the ESPN game tracker to find out what's going on is primitive and excruciating. I hate this Big Ten Network with every fiber of my body. While Penn State is playing the meat of their schedule, Comcast Cable shows me games like "Akron-Connecticut", "Temple-Army", "Northern Illinois-Central Michigan", and of course, "Villanova-James Madison". This is a freaking joke. I enjoy nothing more than laying on the couch and watching football, but even I can't justify watching that crap.
So that's Saturday. Sunday rolled around, and while the Eagles-Giants was technically on television, I'm not sure I actually watched it. What I watched was a Donovan McNabb snuff film shot in High Def. This is (with the bizarrely notable exception of Week 3), the most excruciating team to watch in the NFL. Three out of their four games have been impossible to watch with any sense of excitement. The highest my blood pressure got all game was when Reno Mahe fumbled a punt. Thank you, Reno, you may now return to your job as a bus boy at Chickie's and Pete's. Awful.
Sidenote: Pittsburgh-Arizona wasn't necessarily an unentertaining game, but I had some severe nausea going from power-smoking my NL East Division Champion victory cigar and watched most of the game with a pillow over my head.
Ah yes, the Phillies. Glad I mentioned them. This was really the one bright spot of the weekend. I know earlier in the season I said that once the NFL kicked off, it was football season. I know I said the Phils would finish four games out. But I need something else other than NFL in my life right now. This playoff run is coming at a great time. Bring on the Colo-diego Rock-dres!!! (Stupid cell phone commercials, now you've got me doing it.)

BAJINGOS

1. Matt Leinart - Watching this game as a Cardinals fan must have been rough. They bench Leinart, bring Warner in. Warner gets them the lead, so they bring Leinart back in. Leinart gets banged up, so they bring Warner back in. Leinart shakes it off, so they bring Leinart back in. Where am I going with this? Ah yes. Matt Leinart stinks in real life and definitely stinks in fantasy life.
2. Jeff Wilkins - Thanks for the negative point, asspenis.
3. Philip Rivers - 211 passing yards, but also had numerous turnovers that you can see on your favorite NFL highlights show. The net result was 4.1 fantasy points, and 2.1 of those were from completed passes. Ugly game. Ugly team in general. Bad coach, lame QB, underachieving defense, stupid new uniforms.
4. Craigger's Set It and Forget It Receivers - Javon Walker didn't play, T.O. only managed 3 catches for 33 yards in a bloodbath over the Rams, and Marvin Harrison dinged up his knee, leaving him with just one catch for eight yards. On the bright side, Bobby Engram caught a touchdown.
5. Steve Smith - A Bajingo two weeks in a row. 5 catches for 32 yards, and he may be playing with David Carr for the forseeable future. Not what I had in mind when I drafted the guy.

SASQUATCHES

1. Tony Romo - Holy crap, son. This guy has been unbelievable all year long, and although I hate complimenting Cowboys, he has definitely made them the team to beat. I liked him better when we all thought that bobbled snap would break his fragile psyche and he'd be horrendous.
2. Dallas Clark/Jason Witten - The Melvin-Fidler battle royale is coming down to the wire, and two of the reasons why are the tight ends. Dallas reeled in 2 TDs and 76 yards, Witten had 71 yards and a score of his own.
3. Jerry Porter - Wait a minute? This is the guy I just traded away for Wes Welker and a pair of gym socks? The guy I was ecstatic about including in any trade package just so I could show him the door? He had two touchdowns? Really????? Ugh. That may be the record for quickest trade-regret in fantasy history.
4. Peyton Manning - A solid day against a tough defense. 193 yards, 3 passing touchdowns, and a rushing touchdown. Sidenote: Cadillac Williams tore his patella tendon yesterday, Adam, so be thankful we didn't let you trade Manning for him. I can guarantee you'd be upset about that one today.
5. LaDainian - I think he's back on track. 132 rushing yards and a touchdown. As Peter King points out in his column though, 112 of those yards were in the first half. With the game still in question until late in the fourth, you're telling me you couldn't have come up with a few more plays for the reigning MVP? Still, I'll gladly take this over his last three weeks. Good game, little buddy.

BREAKING: Bill Cowher Hates The Steelers

The Bill Cowher-Steelers divorce gets messy.

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If there's one man who knows a little sumpin-sumpin about the Pittsburgh Steelers, it's gotta be Bill Cowher, right? Sure, he's not the coach anymore, but he was the face of the Steelers for as long as I can remember watching football. So when he predicts how Pittsburgh will fare in their upcoming season, he speaks with a fair, if not large, bit of gravitas on the subject.

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Well, Pittsburgh fans, to be honest, he thinks you suck donkey balls. In a Post-Gazette piece, Cowher says that the Steelers will finish behind the Ravens and Bengals when it's all said and done this year. The good news? He still thinks you're better than the Browns, so you'll still probably win Week 1.

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By the by, my prediction for the AFC North this season? Coming right up, readers.

1. Bengals (Carson 4 Prez!!!)

2. Steelers (Sneeeeaking in with a wild card. Start ordering the Obsidian for the Mike Tomlin statue!)

3. Ravens (Remember when quarterbacks used to be important in football? Not in Baltimore they don't!)

4. Browns (The best thing this team can do is accumulate draft picks. Oh wait, they already traded next year's number 1 for that gay kid holding the clipboard...)

Break It Down: The 2007 Pittsburgh Steelers - Chapter 2

After years of controversy and speculation, the long-rumored Gay Muppet finally makes an appearance.

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Editor's Note: In the final pre-draft edition of this blog, we are once again joined by Aaron Repucci who takes us on a week-by-week gondola ride through the upcoming Pittsburgh Steelers season. Take it away, sir.

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STEELER Season Breakdown:

Week 1: @ Cleveland
Please GOD let Brady Quinn start!!! Steelers beat the befuddled browns in an ugly, low scoring affair.
W: 17-6

Week 2: BUFFALO
Losman can’t handle the rowdy home opener crowd. Polamalu sask Losman once hard and helps contain Evans. Steeler’s offense looks a little better.
W: 23-13

Week 3: SAN FRAN
Gore held under 100 yards. Steelers hold up at home.
W: 24-17

Week 4: @ Arizona
Leinart is confused and terrorized by LeBeau’s 3-4 zone blitzing schemes (and from his memories of when we ate at the same Italian restaurant outside of USC). Parker rounds wild….over 150 yards.
W: 31-13

Week 5: SEATTLE
Big game at home. Fans are juiced up on iron city. Alexander is stuffed for under 100 yards. Steelers win in a close one.
W: 21-20

Week 6: BYE
Steelers win one billion to nothing.
Let’s press pause for a moment. I know what you’re thinking…5-0??? I know, I know. Steelers usually open seasons very poorly. But with this opening schedule 5-0 is very doable. I think Tomlin will have his team fired up coming out of the gate.
*Note: These five wins will help earn Tomlin favor and trust in the steel city.

Week 7: @ Denver
Steelers get complacent and rest on their laurels (what is a laurel anyway?). Cutler plays well. Bettis’ asthma acts up again. Steelers turn the ball over in an ugly game…
L: 10 - 24

Week 8: @ Cincy
The black n’ Gold rebound well off of their first loss and stun divisional rivals in their house.
W: 30 – 28

Week 9: BALTIMORE
MacGahee finds tough sledding in the burgh, but Benjamin struggles under the pressure of this big home game. Steelers plagued with turnovers.
L: 13 - 16

Week 10: CLEVELAND
Win….it’s Cleveland.
W: one billion - 0

Week 11: @ ny jets
I just can’t see the jets beating the Steelers.
W: 20 - 17

Week 12: MIAMI (Monday night)
Steelers are good at home on Monday night. Ronnie brown gains like 30 yards. Dan Marino cheers for the Steelers.
W: 27 - 13

Week 13: CINCY
Steelers always struggle with Cincy at home. Cincy gets revenge for the beating at home earlier in the season
L: 30 - 17

Week 14: @ New England
Steelers win! Why? Because upsets happen. Steelers have the tools to win big games. And because Tom brady is a tool. The Pats lose 4 games this year…one loss comes from the Steelers…in their house!
W: 27-24

Week 15: JACKSONVILLE
Steelers ALWAYS struggle against the Jags. Steelers lose coming off of the big win against the patties.
L: 17-16

Week 16: @ St. Louis (Thursday)
NFC sucks. Steelers 3-4 contains Jackson. Big Ben looking really sharp at this point in the season.
W: 27-24

Week 17: @ Baltimore
This is the battle for AFC North title. Both teams come in with 11-4 records. Steelers struggle under the pressure of the title game and can’t handle Baltimore D in Baltimore’s house. Low scoring, defensive struggle, but the baltimore birdies come out on top and take the division.
L: 20-16

SEASON: 11-5
Steelers grab a wild card spot!!

Break It Down: The 2007 Pittsburgh Steelers - Chapter 1

BLACK COWHER!!!!! BLACK COWHER!!!!!

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Editor's Note: Today we have a special guest author, Aaron Repucci, who will walk us through the storylines behind the 2007 Steelers. This is part 1 of a 2 part series.

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STEELERS ’07: 99 Problems but Champion Beer Pong Representatives Aren’t 1

Steelers come in to the 2007 season with so many ????’s. Sure, no one has crashed an auto bike, but the replacement of the steel city’s beloved kordell kissing coach, Bill Cowher, is enough to have everyone’s panties in collective bunches. Not to mention the fact that the iron makers are coming off of a mistake filled, disappointing 8-8 season. Plus…who’s that big headed guy with overall’s running around in the stands creeping everyone out??? That creeper mascot is gonna be the sole cause of at least 6 roethlisberger INT’s.

But anyways…let’s get down to business…

Q1. TOMLIN, TOMLIN, TOMLIN…oh yeah…and ARIANS?????

Umm….mom…where’s bill cowher?? What is that really tan fellow doing with a headset on??? Mom??!!! Over 15 memorable seasons, steeler fans grew to trust cowher with their hearts, lives, children, prescription drugs and football team….and then he breaks our hearts and leaves…

Enter stage right, mike tomlin, walking on his own two legs all fat and cocky. With zero years as a head coach, no one is really sure how Tomlin will hold up. Early reports out of camp look good. ESPN reported that Tomlin is holding one of the most physical camps in the NFL and making a point to let players know that this is HIS team now….that he is the alpha male. Mental warfare tactics include Tomlin dressing in all black outfits…long sleeved, long panted…so that no player can complain that it’s “too hot.” That’s what I like to hear, especially if the steelers want to maintain their rep as a hard nose, smash mouth fball team.

While this seems all well and good, what worries me more is the implementation of a new offense and sort of a new defense. Arians (scary right off the bat cuz his name sounds like he want to make a perfect human) intends to stretch the offense out and open things up a bit. GULP. This is scary…(more on this in Q2). But let’s just say that the offense has looked way less than stellar in the preseason.

Reports out of camp are that LeBeau’s frickin’ awesome zone blitzing schemes are being “blended” with Tomlin’s “Tampa 2” style of defense (don’t forget he was a defensive coordinator before this). While these two defensive master minds could create an amazing mutant beast of an attacking, killer defensive…they also might create something that’s just flat out too complicated or confusing. I hope it’s the mutant beast. But it sure would be funny to see larry foote and marvin Harrison running around in circles with their hands in the air while the stereotypical circus clown music plays in the background…yeah…go ahead…picture that one in your head.

Q2. BIG BEN? Or ACCIDENT BEN?

Big Ben went from a few mistake QB to a mistakeful QB in one season. Let’s look at the stats…’05 Season – 9 INT’s…..’06 Season - TWENTY THREE frickin’ INT’s. While I do think that B Roth will improve upon his ’06 #’s regardless of the offensive scheme, I think he fit perfectly in the to steelers ’05 scheme which relied heavily on the run and just needed him to convert 3rd and longs (which he did very well) and to NOT TURNOVER the ball. An Arian run offense looking to stretch out the offense and put more emphasis on the passing game might not be the best fit for Mr. Benjamin?????

Q3. STEELY MCBEAM??? McWTF???

I got nothin…Steeler’s head office just made the Steelers into the laughing stock of the nation…I have no defense for these shenanigans. It is just outright awful. Will STEELY destroy the team? Maybe…just maybe…

Q4. PARKER’s GROIN?

While I like Barlow and Najeh (g@yest name ever…say it slow and with a deep voice…you’ll see) as back ups, Steelers success is largely dependent on Willie Parker. I think he has the goods to deliver. But the question is…can he keep his goods healthy?

Q5. PORTER GONE? EMOTIONAL LEADER? MATT FOOLEY (rip)??

Porter lost some of his edge last year. So while I don’t think the Steelers will miss his play too much, I think they will miss his emotional leadership. Who will step up and be the heart of the D??

Q6. DOES MANIMAL HAVE A WOLVERINE-ESQUE HEALING FACTOR?

Polamalu wasn’t the same last year. This man beast with a terrifying black mane straight from the depths of hades was feared in the ’05 season. But a concussed head and knee ligamental problems took the bite out of this tiger in ’06. His return to altered beast status will be directly linked to the success of Pittsburgh’s D in 2007.
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Q99. DOES BAYLOR PUNTER SEPULVEDA LIKE PUPPIES???

This one speaks for itself and will be pivotal for a successful steeler season.



SEASON BREAKDOWN COMING SOON……..