Week 15 Photo Finishes: All Night Peterson

All Day trampled the Bears for 51 fantasy points last time they met. Can he continue his success tonight?

Deep breath. Cleansing thoughts.

Ok, now we're ready. First of all, let me congratulate Mr. Hussein on his performance yesterday. Welcome to the championship, sir. It's well deserved. Now, with those formalities out of the way, let's focus on the real business at hand. As many of you might have noticed, my Jabar Gaffney-Wes Welker tandem did slightly less record book trampling than I had imagined. As a result, I now find myself staring up at Rich from the bottom of a 23.9 point hole. Lucky for me, Rich shot all his bullets during yesterday's games, so I don't have to worry about making up any extra ground, just the 24 points. At my disposal will be Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Peterson. Peterson has had an astounding rookie season, don't get me wrong. But when you comb through his numbers this year, he's more up and down than you might think. Sure, he busted up the Chargers to the tune of 296 yards and 3 TDs. But then there's games like last week where he went for...ahem...3 yards.

Something's got to give tonight. Peterson strikes me as a poised, confident, kid. The type who hates statlines like last week's and wants desperately to erase them from memory. When it was questioned if he should play again this season, he came back from a sprained LCL after only two weeks and had a monster game against Detroit. Now, with the Kornheisers and Jaworskis of the world likely bringing up his 14 carries, 3 yards in front of a national audience, I believe he's the type of guy who desperately wants to show them something to praise instead.

Here's how I see the game going tonight. I believe Brad Childress will lean on Chester Taylor early in the game, as he's been the more consistent runner of late. I also think he wants to keep Peterson's workload light, but he knows that the Vikings HAVE to win this game to stay in the driver's seat for the playoffs. So I think his hand is forced slightly and he has to play Peterson more than he'd hope to. He'll be close to 20 carries, but not quite that many. Maybe 16 or 17. Peterson is still averaging 6.1 yards per carry on the season, so if he maintains that line, he should be right up around 100 yards. So there's 11 points. I say he also gets a swing pass in the red zone and takes it in for a touchdown on his only catch of the game. So there's another 7 points. Sadly, that's all I think he's good for tonight. 18 points.

That's a nice day, but it's still not to get me over the hump. So I'll need at least 6 points out of the Bears D to get me into the Championship. I think they're up for it. Improved or not, Tarvaris Jackson is still Tarvaris Jackson. He throws a costly pick-six which should be enough for the Chicago Bears to put the Chicago Bear Grylls into the Title Round.

My Prediction: Junk Jabbers 98.8, Bear Grylls 104.8
Hector and Victor's Prediction: Junk Jabbers 98.8, Bear Grylls 106.3

Week 12 Photo Finishes: Late Night Munchies Edition

Good to have you back, you mellow weirdo.

Well, the Worldwide Leader got some good news. You see, when you put a 0-10 team on MNF, people tend to watch other programming, like say "Dancing With The Stars" or "Chuck". But when one of the most polarizing NFL figures of all time returns to that 0-10 team, and will apparently start for that 0-10 team? Well, now you've got gripping television, my friend.
In my honest opinion, I don't expect Ricky to make anybody think it's 2002 again. He's got to be out of shape at this point after time away from the game. But I must say it's nice to have a strange dude like Ricky back in the NFL discussion. I'm finding myself missing Mikey Vick already.

But, several of you won't be watching for Ricky. You'll be watching for your fantasy teams, you greedy little piggies. Well, let's see who'll be smoking a victory blunt tonight, and who'll be hitting the bong to ease the pain of defeat.

Game 1: Rich (26.8 point lead) vs. Aaron (Steelers D)
You know the old saying. Any time you have a two-time-Chumley-Award-winning defense playing, you've still got a chance. The Steelers D probably should be able to cover this gap for Aaron. Ricky fumbles for a defensive touchdown, CleoJohn LemonBeck throws a pick-six, the defense gives up three points...this could definitely happen. I'll go out on my longest limb of the season and say Aaron wins by 0.2 points on a defensive gem by Steeltown.

Game 2: Deewaan (22.2 point lead) vs. The Team Without A GM (Heath Miller)
Miller might grab a touchdown, but he shouldn't get anywhere close to 22.2 points. I'll say he puts up a quiet 40-yardish day. Dave hangs on.

Game 3: Adam (Hines Ward, 34 point lead) vs. Shawn (Willie Parker)
Although I think Pittsburgh will work the ground game heavily (especially after halftime), Parker hasn't had a game bigger than 22 points all season. I could see him getting up around 25, but that still won't be enough to overtake Adam. Adam wins and everybody is officially on notice that Tom Brady will be playing fantasy playoff football.

Week 11 Photo Finish: Double Buck Edition!

No time for predictions, I'm off to meet my destiny.

When I heard that Craig was in Allentown, the only thought that flashed through my mind was "I've got to rope him in for a game or twelve of Big Buck Hunter". Needless to say, I'll be hitting happy hour with the Commish shortly, so I'm cutting this short.

Game 1: Aaron (19.3 points) vs. Jordan (Rob Bironas, Brandon Marshall)
Bironas will get 11 points on 3 FGs and 2 XPs. No more. No less. 11 points.

Marshall will get 6.8 points on 4 catches for 62 yards. No more. No less. 6.8 points.
That leaves Jordan with 17.8 points and gives Aaron a precious victory.

Sorry Jordo.

NOW LET'S KILL SOME BUCK!!!!

Week 10 Photo Finishes: Torn Ligament Edition

Don't worry about sucking, 49ers. Nobody's watching tonight anyway.

Well it's about time to put the lid back on the NFL and let simmer for 6 more days on medium heat, stirring occasionally. In other words, it's Monday Night. This is possibly the least interesting MNF matchup of the year, and that's not saying much, as they've definitely shown us some snoozers. Lucky for our fantasy landscape, not many of us are dependent on tonight's contest to determine our fates.

Let's take a look at what should be the only fantasy game impacted by tonight's (in)action.

Game 1: Mike (10.2 points) vs. Aaron (Matt Hasselbeck)
Honestly I think this is pretty much a slam dunk for Aaron to win. However, the weather forecast out of Seattle tonight is showing wind gusts of up to 60 MPH, which could make passing just a tad more difficult. While I certainly think the overall passing numbers should be tamed in this one, it's expecting too much for San Fran's defense to hold Matt Hasselbeck to under 100 yards and a score, which without any interceptions, is all it would take for Aaron to win. Aaron will get by, but probably not by much.

Re-reading what I wrote above, I sense a melancholy tone coming from my keyboard. I'm sorry to be Debbie Downer, but I just found out that Adrian Peterson tore a Lateral Collateral Ligament (that can't possibly be right, Lateral Co-Lateral??), which I hear is the least important ligament, but still one of those rubber bands that holds your leg bones together, so it's still somewhat necessary for proper running form.
Alas, I've avoided the injury bug far too long this season and probably had it coming.

Week 9 Photo Finishes: Primanti Brudders Edition!!

Stole this picture right off of ESPN.com's NFL page. I'm even getting too lazy to Google.

Gather 'round, young whippersnappers. We got ourselves an AFC North game tonight, and three fantasy matchups still in the balance. Let's see who wins and who loses.

Game 1: Craig (19.4 points) vs. Deewaan (Derrick Mason)
I've written Craig off for dead, literally, so it only makes sense that he loses in completely agonizing fashion tonight. Besides, I'll be cheering heavily for the Ravens tonight, so to fulfill my master plan, D-Mase will need to step up and put up some major numbers. No running back has had a good game against the Steelers, since I think the late '60's, so let's see if the Ravens can't find some success Air-Mc-Nair-ing it out. 2 TD's and 80 yards should get the job done (yes, I know he only has two all season so far), and Dave slips by Craig.

Game 2: Rich (33.9 points, Santonio Holmes) vs. Mike (Willie Parker)
33.9 points would be a monster game against the Ravens defense, no matter how much they may have slipped from years past. However, adding in Santonio's points will only make it all the less likely that Mike can climb this deficit and win this one. Rich wins comfortably.

Game 3: Hefty (60.5 points) vs. Adam (Hines Ward, Todd Heap)
Something tells me I can breathe easy in this one and just work on putting the finishing touches to my 1:5 scale replica of Adrian Peterson. I chose to construct the shrine out of brownie batter, so when I'm done, I can pop him in the oven and snack away at my Purple Fantasy Savior during upcoming Vikings games. Mmmmm...sacrelicious.

Week 8 Photo Finishes: Elamania!!!

Elam is "Male" backwards. Write that down.

I'm slightly pressed for time today, so we'll concentrate on two games here. Sorry to count you out, Rich, but whatever a Tony Scheffler is, I doubt it's good for 14 points plus whatever Donald Driver and Brandon Stokely score. So I'll say you lose. So here are the two games coming down to the wire tonight, and my predicted outcomes.

Game 1: Mike (23.9 point lead) vs. Jordan (Brandon Marshall)
Brandon Marshall will get the majority of the looks on the field with Javon Walker missing the game due to injury. While he's had some good games this season, he hasn't had anything close to a 24 point game, and I don't think that will change tonight against a tough Green Bay D. I'll say he bags a touchdown, and maybe 60 yards. Mike wins.

Game 2: Adam (0.3 point lead) vs. Dave (Jason Elam)
Since our league penalizes missed kicks, there's actually a chance Adam could sneak away with this one, but there's no way I'd actually predict such nonsense. Elam has had three game winning kicks this season for the Broncos, and I'll say tonight he gets number 4 and 5, kicking both Denver and Delaware to close victories.

Week 7 Photo Finishes: Colts at Jags

The Commish will need a big day out of Marvin to sneak past Adam's troops.

Well tonight is my proof that Jacksonville actually has a football team. I'll take my first look at the Jags tonight and I'll be paying attention to a couple of things:
1. Is that Jack Del Rio fellow wearing a snazzy suit on the sidelines?
2. Does Fred Taylor still play? Does Stacy Mack still play?
3. If Jacksonville has wide receivers, how come I've never heard of any of them?
4. Who honestly decided this should be a Monday Night football game?

Seriously, not to go overboard with this schtick, but I feel like a total neophyte when it comes to Jacksonville Jaguars football. Hopefully tonight will be an eye opening experience for me. Others of you will have different motivations to watch tonight's game. You want to know if you'll win your game tonight. However, there's no need. I've already looked at the matchups, crunched the numbers, and I've prepared my verdicts. Here they are.

Game 1: Adam (Adam Vinatieri and an 8.5 point lead) vs. Craig (Marvin Harrison)
Marvin apparently could have played back in Week 5 if it were a more meaningful game, and since then he's had a bye week to rest up, so I'm assuming he's at least 90% healthy for this one. It seems like Indy has trouble against Jacksonville and Tennessee every time they play lately, so maybe the matchup isn't as good as you might expect. I also think Jacksonville will be wearing all-black uniforms which could help them blend in with the night skies, thus making themselves translucent to the eyes of Peyton Manning, who might struggle in this one somewhat.
Long story short, I think Harrison probably puts up close to 10 points in this one, but Adam probably hangs on for the win due to Adam V's leg.

Game 2: Shawn (David Garrard and a 68.4 point lead) vs. Jordan (Peyton Manning and Reggie Wayne)
It could happen. Brady put up 55 yesterday, and Peyton has got to be getting somewhat upset with all the attention on Tommy Boy now instead of him. I think Peyton's got a chip on his shoulder, he probably plays very well in this one, but I think he'll spread the ball out amongst Harrison, Wayne, Addai, and Clark. I could see him putting up 4 TD's (one to each of those guys), and although that would be a great fantasy day, it's not enough to dig Jordan out of the hole he's in now. Shawn wins.

Game 3: Mike (65.6 point lead) vs. Shelby (Joseph Addai and Dallas Clark)
Not happening. Mike continues his Cinderella story of love and romance with a victory over Shelbus. To Mike's amazement, after the game ends, we all emerge 40-Year-Old-Virgin-style to belt out a rousing rendition of "The Dawning of The Age of Aquarius".

Week 6 Photo Finishes: Rose Ceremony Edition!

This game has no bearing on your fantasy team. Go watch the Bachelor with a loved one.

So, as you may have noticed, this is a snoozer of a Monday Night game. The Giants and Falcons have one respectable fantasy player between the two of them, and that's Plaxico Burress. Having said that, all of our league's games are decided. So really, don't watch this game. But if the allure of NFL football on a weekday does suck you in, at least you get to root against the Giants. Here are some more productive ways to spend your evening.

1. Lay your outfit out for work tomorrow.
2. Hit the gym, you flabby pile of goo.
3. Watch Indians-Red Sox Game 3.
4. Volunteer at a soup kitchen.
5. Put the finishing touches on your Cal Naughton Jr. Halloween costume.
6. Carve a pumpkin! Give it a spooky face!!! Not too spooky!!!
7. Eat a pumpkin muffin from Dunkin Donuts. Then go hit the gym again.
8. Really, anything but this.

So there you have it. Enjoy your Monday Night without the stress and agony of watching millionaires decide the fate of our 200 dollar "jackpot".

Glad I Took The Time To Watch Tonight

Time of Fantasy Death: 11:38 PM.

Week 5 Photo Finishes: 60 Stretch Far Le-HUUUUUH!!!!!

Not tonight, you no-name fluke...

Well, 13/14ths of Week 5 are now in the books. As I stated before, I didn't see any of it, so for me, this is the whole shebang. Really, this is the perfect storm for me. I get to do three of my favorite things tonight.
1. Watch football from the couch.
2. Cheer against the Cowboys.
3. Cheer against those particular Cowboys whom I'm playing against in fantasy.

Sounds like a fantastic night for me. Let's see who else will be glued to tonight's telecast.

Game 1: Aaron (Nick Folk and a 19.9 point lead) vs. Craig (Terrell Owens and the Cowboys D)
Analysis - I tried verifying this using ESPN.com's NFL stat splits, found them too cumbersome, and decided to post what we're all thinking: Terrell Owens is the kind of guy who seems like he enjoys playing well in games where everybody's watching him. This is a Monday Night audience, this is a game that will likely be over at halftime, this is a game where people will start tuning out if things get ugly. Having said that, Owens will be begging/pleading/performing unspeakable acts to Tony Romo to get him the ball early and often so they can watch him strut his stuff before they all flip over to watch Heroes. My guesstimate: Romo and Owens hook up for touchdowns on the first two series for the Cowboys, the Cowboys D picks off rookie Trent Edwards and runs it in for a score late, and Nick Folk is called on mostly to add extra points. Having said all that, I'll say Craigger wins by a few points.

Game 2: Jon (12.5 point lead) vs. Jordan (Marion Barber and Patrick Crayton)
Analysis - If the Romo & TO show clicks as well as I expect it to early on, that means the Cowboys do a good bit of running later in the game. That's probably where I lose this one. Taking a peek at his 2007 splits, Barber runs much better in the second half, and when he gets 10 or more carries. Bottom line, unless the Bills offense can keep things close, or the Cowboys feel more comfortable handing to JuJo, I'll end up losing this one, most likely sometime shortly after midnight when it's the most devestating. Patrick Crayton is a right place, right time kind of receiver in this offense, but as I said, I think most of Romo's balls end up in T.O.'s hands tonight. Heh heh.

Game 3: Richard (Tony Romo, Lee Evans, and a 7 point lead) vs. Matt (Jason Witten)
Analysis - Although still technically up for contention, it is statistically impossible for Matt to win this one unless Romo gets knocked out of the game early, and Brad Johnson takes over. I'll just assume that won't happen. Red Hot Richard wins his third in a row.

Game 4: Dave (Julius Jones and a 18.4 point lead) vs. Mike (Marshawn Lynch)
Analysis - Lynch will outscore Jones, but not by 18.4 points. The Bills will have to abandon the ground game if this game gets out of hand. Dave hangs on and wins his first game of the season. Celebrating this monumental acheivement, he buys a round of body shots for all the fellas down at the Purple Parrot and winds up losing his "other" V card. You know, the brown one.

Week 4 Photo Finishes

Playing the putrid Bengals D, there's no telling how many points Brady and Moss might put up tonight.

Looking at the FantasyCast scoreboard, there doesn't seem to be a lot of close games. Even when I was writing Bajingos and Sasquatches, I wasn't even noticing a lot of obvious choices. Why? Well, bye weeks could be one reason, but I'd say that it's because two of the most high-octane offenses in the NFL meet tonight, when the Pats and Bengals face off. With that said, some games that would normally be locked up for one team, could end up being a lot closer than we think. Let's take a peek and try to figure out who comes out on top tonight.

Game 1: Jordan (56.1 point lead) vs. Adam (Tom Brady)

Analysis - 56.1 points is a ridiculous amount. But it's also damn close to the number Carson Palmer put up in Week 2 against the Browns. Here's the thing with tonight's game: the Patriots have a good defense, but might not be comfortably ahead at any point in the game. That's the kind of set-up that allows for quarterbacks to keep throwing, and throwing, and throwing. With Brady's weapons, and the sieve that is the Bengals pass defense, 56.1 points (roughly 400 yards and 6 TDs) isn't actually all that far fetched. Of course, it's not entirely probable either, so I'll say Jordan gets out of this one alive.

Game 2: Mike (Stephen Gostkowski and a 36 point lead) vs. Shawn (Randy Moss)
Analysis - Again, 36 points is attainable for a receiver like Moss. However, if the Patriots do find the end zone that many times, you're tacking on an extra 6 or 7 points for all the Gostkowski extra points, so now Moss theoretically needs around 45 points. That's a little much, even though I say he finds the end zone 2 or 3 times in this one. Mike comes away a winner.

Game 3: Melvin (9.5 point lead) vs. Shelby (Pats D and Shayne Graham)
Analysis - Graham's good for around 5 points, and the defense should get some sacks and find ways to force turnovers for the remainder. Kenny Watson will be the Bengals starting running back and could have a lot of trouble running against the Patriots, which may lead to some fumble issues. I look for Shelby to get the win here and improve to 2-2.

Bonus Prediction: Jake Peavy throws 7 scoreless innings to set up a Padres-Phillies first round showdown. Padres 3, Rockies 1

Week 3 Photo Finishes: Welcome to K-Ville!!

Reggie Bush will have to hang on to the ball for Rich to seal the deal tonight.

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Only two games remain close heading into Monday Night action. Sure, Vince Young could potentially throw 15 interceptions and allow me squeak by Craig, but it's not real likely. No, most of us could go for a nice bike ride or bake some cookies with a grandparent tonight instead of being a lazy bastard and watching three more hours of gridiron action. But you won't. Your bike will sit in the garage for another week, the chain getting rustier and the tires getting flatter. Your grandma will watch Wheel of Fortune with the volume up too loud, alone, and sigh as she looks at your picture. You never call her, you know. And what will you be doing? You'll be sitting on the couch, watching a game that has zero impact on your life.
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Unless your name happens to be Aaron, Shawn, Adam, or Rich. You guys are excused. You guys have it all riding on the line tonight. One of you will be 3-0. One of you will be 0-3. Let's break this sumbitch down and pick us some winners.

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Game 1: Aaron (1.2 point lead) vs. Shawn (Marques Colston)

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Analysis - OK. The Saints offense has been a bigger disappointment than the Sopranos finale, but Aaron's probably out of luck on this one. The 7th rounder out of Hofstra (my Lil' Sportswriter handbook says you're not allowed to mention Colston without stating both of these facts) only needs 1 catch for 10 yards for Shawn to tie Aaron. Even against a Titans defense who did a decent job of handling Reggie Wayne and Marvin Harrison a week ago, Colston should be able to find a hole in the defense on one or two plays, enough to help Shawn get out of this matchup with a 3-0 record.

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Game 2: Adam (7.2 point lead and Chris Brown) vs. Rich (Reggie Bush)

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Analysis - This seems like the kind of game where Reggie Bush plays like Reggie Bush should play. Good football players make good football plays. OK, I'm done with the Joe Theismann routine. Honestly, I would expect Bush to finally bust out of his slump in this game and at least find the end zone once. If the Saints offense can't gear themselves up for the first home game of the season, on Monday Night Football, if Sean Payton can't find a way to get Reggie Bush the ball where he's not immediately wrapped up by a ball carrier, if Drew Brees can't complete one or two long passes to get the defense on its heels a little bit and away from the line, then this team is out of excuses. I think this Saints team is sort of in the same position the Eagles were in yesterday. 0-2, playing a big home game that in reality shouldn't have been so big, and in essence, fighting for their playoff lives in mid-September. I have to think Reggie Bush becomes a factor in their gameplan much like the way the Eagles used Westbrook yesterday. On the flip side of the coin, if Chris Brown can sneak into the endzone just once, then Rich could lose. He doesn't have to have a great game and he probably won't. But one goal line carry could change the whole landscape of this matchup.
Of course, earlier this morning I called him a stiff, so it would be silly for me to say he'd carry Adam to a win. Rich wins this one, Adam drops to 0-3.

Week 2 Photo Finishes: MotownPhilly Edition

Can David Akers kick Craig Fritz into an 0-2 hole? Can Reno Mahe field a punt? Can Andy Reid call any creative offensive plays? Tune in tonight and find out!!

Tonight is Monday Night. And it's also Redskins-Eagles night. It's certainly the most tame out of our division rivalries, but still, one to take seriously. And any time we could be two games behind the Cowboys and the Redskins in the division by Tuesday morning, well, it's time to nut up or shut up.
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It's also nut up or shut up time for two fantasy squads tonight. One game is still hanging in the balance, and we'll break it down to see who's got the edge.

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Game 1: Craig (Brian Westbrook and a 7.9 point lead) vs. Melvin (Donovan McNabb and David Akers)

Analysis - McNabb and Akers will certainly have their chances in this one. The offense should be embarrassed and motivated after the debacle at Green Bay, so I'm not sure we'll see Philadelphia struggle to put points up tonight. The question for this game though, is who will be the recipient of McNabb's tosses? If Reggie Brown and Kevin Curtis can establish a rhythym against the Redskins corners, than Melvin wins this game. But if McNabb has to rely on dumpoffs to Westbrook, then McNabb's points are negated. My prediction is that the David Akers points make the difference here and Melvin steals a win.
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All of the other games appear to be set in stone. Jordan could upset Slimmy if the defense pitches a shutout and returns some picks for touchdowns, but realistically speaking, Slimmy with a 21.4 point lead and Clinton Portis should roll to victory. Let's just hope our Birds can do the same. My Monday Night Prediction: Eagles 24, Redskins 14
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Your Monday Night Power Picks in the comments, please.

Week 1 Photo Finishes!!

Will Carson Palmer secure a Week 1 win for the league's most handsome GM? Tune in and find out!!

As many of you shuffle home from work tonight, you'll ponder your chances in your fantasy football. Maybe your team is up big, but you face a slew of talented players. Maybe you're hoping for that one last Matt Stover field goal to get your team over the top. Well, ponder no more, leaguemates. Every Monday, I'll break down the post-Sunday action and let you know who's coming out of your game with a W.

Game 1: Mike (Anquan Boldin and a 12.5 point lead) vs. Craig (Alex Smith)

Analysis - I expect the Arizona-San Fran game to be fairly high scoring, and I think the Cardinals' passing attack will benefit from that. With a 12.5 point cushion, Mike should have what it takes to hang on for the win. Good luck staying up until 1:30 to find out, though, Craig.

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Game 2: Aaron (Frank Gore and a 2.2 point lead) vs. Rich (Larry Fitzgerald)

Analysis - It's too early in the season to bail on Rich...he's #1 in my power rankings for a reason. After last night's Tony Romo explosion, Rich feels like a team of destiny. Aaron carries the lead into the 4th quarter, but watches it squirt away on a Frank Gore fumble. Rich eeks out a win and stays at #1.

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Game 3: Hefty (Carson Palmer, Vernon Davis, and a 12.6 point lead) vs. Melvin (Rudi Johnson)

Analysis - I'm expecting the Ravens to stuff Rudi. Palmer could have his troubles as well, but with a 12.6 point lead and Vernon Davis in the late game, I think I'm in pretty good shape here. Hefty gets the win.

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Game 4: Shawn (Matt Leinart, Willis McGahee, and a 11.9 point lead) vs. Adam (Todd Heap and the Ravens D)

Analysis - The Ravens defense and Todd Heap sound like a potent duo, but you losing this game is the Fantasy Gods' way of showing you how badly you screwed up your draft. Shawn wins handily.

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So there you have it. If I didn't preview your game, your fate is sealed. Go in peace.