The Sportpocalypse Is Upon Us

It's no use, Homer. People just don't listen.

Ah, an October Sunday. My favorite day and my favorite time of year. Perfect for lounging and watching the fully loaded slate of NFL action. Let's check the TV lineup, shall we??

Wait a minute. This is strange...must be a typo.

1:00 PM - Eagles v. Redskins
1:07 PM - Phillies v. Brewers, Game 4 NLDS

I WARNED YOU PEOPLE!!! I WARNED YOU OF THIS IMPENDING DOOM AND THIS LOSE-LOSE SCENARIO!!! I WARNED AND YOU SAT BACK AND MOCKED!!! "OH, GET AN ATTENTION SPAN," YOU SCREAMED!!! WELL NOW WHO'S SCREAMING?!!??! WHO?!?!?!

Seriously, if somebody can tell me how this scenario somehow benefits the game of baseball, please, I'm all ears.

Also, another positive to my "play the World Series in August" theorem that I've thought of since posting the original column: Kids would get to watch the games because they don't have to go to school the next day. Now you're getting a whole new audience hooked, and like the tobacco companies's wettest of dreams, you get them hooked when they're young. Just one more reason why I'm a freaking genius.

Now if you'll excuse me, I have a bunker to hole up in.

Nightmare On Broad Street

Not even Freddy Kreuger would beat his wife. You're a special kind of asshole, Brett.

OK, I know we're just two posts removed from my anti-baseball rant, but the fact is, there is some serious baseball action this weekend. The Phils lead the Mets by a game with three to play. The Brewers are also somewhere back there, I think they're tied for the Wild Card, but who knows? Again, it's football season.

Let me just present The Nightmare Scenario if you're a Phillies fan:
A one-game playoff against the Brewers for the Wild Card with the season on the line. Go through the pitching matchups this weekend, and you see it's Blanton, Moyer, Hamels. Which means with the season on the line, resting on the arm of one man, the Phillies could be handing the ball to Chief Gives Up Longball, of the Slapaho tribe.

Piss on my lunch.

What Really Grinds My Gears

The Prime Minister of Blogaria is back to address the people.

OK, first of all, I had to get the "fashion" post off the top of the page just in case anybody Googles my name and this blog comes up and they think I put that there. That's not even worthy of bush league. It's 8th-Grade-JV level crap. Craig, you are on notice. We all appreciate you picking up the slack and handing out Chumleys and ranking the squads, but come on.

On notice.

Anyway, this weekend at the Eagles game (thanks, Best Hombre!!!), I was trying to get NFL scores on my new phone, which comes with a limited version of ESPN MVP. You can't do much on it, you basically have to wait through a ticker like you're watching Sports Center's Bottom Line. It's a neat feature, but it also comes with one brutal flaw.

The ticker ALWAYS starts on Major League Baseball. And this really grinds my gears.

Now, I've been known to change my mind from time to time. Prominent examples include:
-The Gin and Tonic, which has gone from tasting like Barbara Walters' ass sweat to a very palatable and refreshing beverage in nearly no time.
-"A-Punk" by Vampire Weekend, which has gone from another song by kids whose dads didn't hug them enough to a song that makes me crank the radio up every time it comes on.
-DeSean Jackson, who has gone from the greatest rookie wide reciever ever to play the game to another dumb wide reciever who thinks far too much of himself at the expense of his team.

So, I may be many things, but stubborn is not one of them. However, there's one thing I'll never change my mind on...

ONCE SEPTEMBER STARTS, BASEBALL IS OVER. IT IS FOOTBALL SEASON.

This annoys me to no end. The baseball season has seven months out of the year to grab our attention, and it teases us with these meaningless, picayune, tedious, games which never seem to mean anything until August and September. Well guess what? By the time I'm supposed to start really taking an active interest in this sport, I couldn't care less.

This is totally backwards. Play the meaningful games when we have nothing else on our minds. Besides, baseball is a summer game. The games with the highest stakes should be during the summer. How many times have you watched a World Series game, gone outside, and shivered your ass off in the cold State College night?

My solution: move the season up a month.

"But Hefty", you say, "that means they'd be starting play in February!! It'll never work!!!" Yes, actually, it will. Here's why.

Step 1: Eliminate Spring Training. A Major League Baseball team, last time I checked, plays one month of preseason games, then plays 162 regular season games, then plays anywhere up to 19 postseason games. Doesn't that seem excessive? That's over 200 games in a season. If you can't get into baseball shape without those first twenty or thirty games, then you're not an athlete. Just give back your million dollars a year, and go drive a bus or dig a ditch like the rest of us.
But what about the young players? Well, that's a good argument, except there's about 8 different minor league teams in every major league team's farm system. I'm sure the young players can get plenty of practice playing in AAA, or AA, or A, or rookie ball, or one of those other teams where none of the players can legally drink.

OK, so we've shaved a month off the season. We're still starting in February though. And it's cold in February, especially up north in cities like Chicago and Detroit.

Step 2: Globalize. Play the first two months of the regular season in warmer countries where they worship baseball even more than we do. Let the players go on a whirlwind tour, playing in countries like the Dominican Republic, Puerto Rico, Japan, and South America. This is not an unprecedented idea. The Red Sox opened the regular season in Japan this year, and the Expos played in Puerto Rico before they moved to Washington a few years ago. This gets fans of all countries excited about the teams, the players, and most importantly, the league. International merchandise sales skyrocket, teams scout overseas talent more closely for a few months, and most importantly, the season is off and running. The teams would then return home for their home openers in April as usual.
Added bonus I just thought of: this reduces the amount of season tickets the average fan needs to buy by about twenty-four games. Now they're paying for fifty-seven games instead of eighty-one. The cost of the season tickets are cheaper, and they're getting the fifty-seven games that really matter. By the way, if you have time to attend eighty-one home games a year, you are a total fag.
The owners? Well, yes, they'll lose some money by losing those twenty-four games a year, but they should see a near offset in profits when you add up international ticket sales and merchandise. Whatever. Bud Selig needs to work that shit out. I'm a blogger, not an economist.

So, we've got the season starting in February, playing regular season games overseas for two months, returning to the states in April, and playing through the regular season as usual for the next four months until July.

And when August rolls around? The NFL starts its preseason (which is worthless), and Major League Baseball has the stage to themselves for the playoffs and World Series. A totally blank sports landscape except for America's Pasttime.
Another added bonus: August television is unbearably horrible. Reality shows are on every night, there's no new House or Office or Heroes or any of the shows that people usually watch. I'm not a Neilsen Ratings expert, but the Olympics were just on and had millions and millions of viewers for "sports" like badminton, fencing, and water polo. I think you'll get people to tune in for the World Series. Plus, the Latinos and Japanese are more emotionally involved, and they all watch too. Ratings bonanza. Advertising dollars would rival that of the Super Bowl, and make up for even more of the discrepancy from fewer domestic games.

Listen, I know this post has gone on far too long, but here's my thesis statement:

Baseball is far too good of a sport to be on during football season, because football is even better, and will always trump baseball, even playoff baseball. There's just no reason why we should have to choose between the two.

OK. That's all. I think I've ungrinded my gears. Thanks for reading if you've made it this far.

Phitin Phillies Phlayoff Phever: NLDS Game 3

Is Saturday the day J-Roll and the rest of the Phils take the knockout blow?

Editor's Note: This is Part 3 of what very well may be a 3 Part Series. If that's the case, I'd like to personally thank Richard for making this blog a place where baseball neophytes like me can get some insight on the games before they happen. Nice work.

I don’t even know what to say. Hindsight is 20/20, but you have to wonder if Kendrick would have gotten that last out. 66 pitches? Give me a break! But… if Lohse does his job, there would be no discussion. Now we’re hanging on by our fingertips AND going to Colorado.

I hear Denver is a nice place. I’ve never been there, but I have heard tales of adventure and wonderment from those who have had the opportunity to peruse the Mile-High City’s streets. I thought it might be helpful to compile a list of things to do for our spiraling Phillies, because they most likely won’t show up to play baseball.

1. The Loft – Who knows if the strapping bucks Brett Myers and Chase Utley can survive a night away from their hometown hotties. One of Denver’s first nightclubs, the Loft will provide these boys a chance to shine off the field. They might not be able to win a baseball game, but surely they’ll be able to chauffeur a groupie or two back to the hotel before the night is over.
2. Elitch Gardens – A popular amusement park located 5 minutes from downtown, Elitch Gardens would be the perfect place for Coach Charlie to take his rookies. Sometimes, you just gotta let your kids play (pitch!) Manuel, at least give them a chance! Its not like many of your older boys played in any postseason games... Ruiz, Kendrick, and Bourn will definitely love the 40+ rides – don’t miss the Looney Tunes playland!
3. After the amusement park, why not stop by the Denver Firefighters Museum at Tremont Place. Its located in the historic Denver Fire Station No. 1, and admit it, you could use the training. The Rockies are on fire and the Phils are smoldering!
4. Finally, stop by Church’s Chicken on Colorado Blvd for some of Denver’s best Fried Chicken and Honey Butter Biscuits… cause hey, its seems like Alfonseca and Gordon would enjoy a place like this. That’s what someone told me at least.

SATURDAY, 9:30 PM, COORS FIELD:
Matchup: Jamie Moyer (LHP, 44 years old) vs. Ubaldo Jiminez (RHP, 4.28 ERA)

Analysis: Well, down 2 games to nil, playing on the road, and still searching for a solution to the Rockies’ bats (see Firefighter’s Museum above), the outlook is grim for the Phillies. Moyer had a strong outing versus Washington to close the season, but it was Washington. Jimenez has been hit or miss (kinda sounds funny when you say it), but it shouldn’t take much to hold the Phils to a single-digit score, which should be sufficient to earn his team the win. I hate to pick against my team, but we have absolutely NOTHING in our favor here. Its win or go home time. Thanks for the exciting finish Phils, but we’re going back to football – at least the Birds and Nittany Lions have a flicker of hope left…

Final Score: Rockies 9, Phillies 4 -- PROVE ME WRONG!!

Phitin Philies Phlayoff Phever: NLDS Game 2

(Insert DK joke here)

Well, though my prediction was off, I was right about one thing… Game 1 would be a low scoring pitchers duel. Hamels made a few mistakes in the second inning, but was lights out afterwards, retiring 13 consecutive batters. Francis stepped it up, and was helped by an atrocious Phillies lineup.

We should expect similar conditions with Thursday’s sunny forecast, and strikeouts, though not as abundant as in Game 1, should be more plentiful than expected from the young starters. Hopefully, DK talks some sense into her boy Chase before the game. He looked scared and confused, similar to Jordan’s reaction when he crashed the Shelby-Amber Nude Tickle Wrestling Match.

Melvin, please be in the front row Thursday because there is nothing that would make me happier than to replace the image of your patriotic midriff with one of your smiling face.

THURSDAY, 3PM, CITIZENS BANK PARK:
Matchup: Franklin Morales (LHP, 3.43 ERA) vs. Kyle Kendrick (RHP, 3.87 ERA)

Analysis: Good thing Cablevision brought us TBS in High Def hours before game 1. That way I could get a detailed view of Utley striking out FOUR times on THIRTEEN pitches. The line for the first four Philly hitters: 0-15, 9K. This lineup is too good for embarrassing stats like that to continue. They’re not the Pirates for goodness sake! With both teams starting rookie pitchers, it will really come down to which one has more poise under the postseason pressure. Kendrick definitely has the advantage with the game on his home turf.

I have an uneasy feeling about Game 2, but that is only because I watched Game 1 and saw how disgusting our “most runs in the league” lineup looked. Bwwaahhhh!!!! The Phils need to escape PA with a win if they want to have any kind of chance of advancing. Howard went 1 game without a HR… unacceptable! He goes yard Thursday in a close one.

Final Score: Phils 7, Rocks 6.

Phitin' Phillies Phlayoff Phever!

When Rich Ely speaks, you'd best take off them earmuffs.

Editor's Note: The Chumley awards will be handed out tomorrow. In the meantime, I'd like to pull back the curtain on a brand new featurette here on ALSAP!!, entitled Phitin' Phillies Phlayoff Phever! Since I know nothing about the MLB as an entity, but enjoy the sucess of the local squad, I thought we should cover this topic, yet deemed myself incapable. So, pinch hitting for me on this column is our resident baseball guru and Phils fan, Rich Ely. His words are as follows. This featurette will continue only as long as the Phillies do; so please root, root, root for the home team. If they don't win...well I kind of figured they wouldn't.
Take it away, Rich!

E-A-G-L-E-S- Phillies?!?!

You heard it right, pee faces. April is finally here and that means its time to kick of a brand spanking new season of America’s favorite pastime… what? It’s not April? What? Baseball isn’t America’s favorite pastime? In fact, it ranks somewhere between Seinfeld re-runs and Dangling Ding Dongs on the Delaware shores? Really, you say?

Our beloved city, best known for its cheesy meats (no, I’m not making fun of any of the league member’s members) and year-after-year *insert sport here* underperformances has finally brought October baseball back, in dramatic fashion. 2007 - the season that has all the championship-ly challenged Phanatics in Philly asking each other, “Have you seen my baseball?” - has the potential to bring the city more baseball wins than football wins in October. It’s like something that tastes bitter and sweet in your mouth at the same time. Yummy.

Well, enough is enough. Moyer isn’t getting any younger. Lets move on to a game 1 preview.

WEDNESDAY, 3 PM, CITIZENS BANK PARK:
Matchup: Jeff Francis (LHP, 4.22 ERA) vs. Cole Hamels (LHP, 3.39 ERA)

Analysis: Yes, the Rockies have been the hottest in the majors, and although Francis leads the team in wins, his was anything but hot in his last 6 outings recording 3 losses and posting a 5.38 ERA. In his last start against the Phils in mid-September, he lasted only 3.1 innings and yielded 8 runs on 8 hits. Hamels, on the other hand, is one of the League’s premier southpaws and boasts a changeup that would break most of our manly backs. He spent some time on the DL during the end of August and beginning of September, but he looks as strong as ever, winning his last start in the crucial final days of the season while recording 13 K’s. Rollins, Utley, Howard, and Rowand match up pretty evenly with Matsui, Tulowitzki, Holliday, and Helton at this point in the season. We all know these teams can hit… so it’s going to come down to pitching in this one – and the Rockies used 10 of their hurlers on Monday night.

Unlike Peavy, Hamels will baffle Colorado’s lineup and tap the Rockies with an avalanche-mix of pitch speeds. Myers puts runners on in the 9th, but ultimately the extra rest pays off, and the Phils put a frost-brewed liner on the Rockies hot streak. Does anyone else feel like enjoying a cheap beer right now?

Final Score: Phils 5, Rocks 3.

Week 4 Photo Finishes

Playing the putrid Bengals D, there's no telling how many points Brady and Moss might put up tonight.

Looking at the FantasyCast scoreboard, there doesn't seem to be a lot of close games. Even when I was writing Bajingos and Sasquatches, I wasn't even noticing a lot of obvious choices. Why? Well, bye weeks could be one reason, but I'd say that it's because two of the most high-octane offenses in the NFL meet tonight, when the Pats and Bengals face off. With that said, some games that would normally be locked up for one team, could end up being a lot closer than we think. Let's take a peek and try to figure out who comes out on top tonight.

Game 1: Jordan (56.1 point lead) vs. Adam (Tom Brady)

Analysis - 56.1 points is a ridiculous amount. But it's also damn close to the number Carson Palmer put up in Week 2 against the Browns. Here's the thing with tonight's game: the Patriots have a good defense, but might not be comfortably ahead at any point in the game. That's the kind of set-up that allows for quarterbacks to keep throwing, and throwing, and throwing. With Brady's weapons, and the sieve that is the Bengals pass defense, 56.1 points (roughly 400 yards and 6 TDs) isn't actually all that far fetched. Of course, it's not entirely probable either, so I'll say Jordan gets out of this one alive.

Game 2: Mike (Stephen Gostkowski and a 36 point lead) vs. Shawn (Randy Moss)
Analysis - Again, 36 points is attainable for a receiver like Moss. However, if the Patriots do find the end zone that many times, you're tacking on an extra 6 or 7 points for all the Gostkowski extra points, so now Moss theoretically needs around 45 points. That's a little much, even though I say he finds the end zone 2 or 3 times in this one. Mike comes away a winner.

Game 3: Melvin (9.5 point lead) vs. Shelby (Pats D and Shayne Graham)
Analysis - Graham's good for around 5 points, and the defense should get some sacks and find ways to force turnovers for the remainder. Kenny Watson will be the Bengals starting running back and could have a lot of trouble running against the Patriots, which may lead to some fumble issues. I look for Shelby to get the win here and improve to 2-2.

Bonus Prediction: Jake Peavy throws 7 scoreless innings to set up a Padres-Phillies first round showdown. Padres 3, Rockies 1