Week 4 Tonys: Veep Debate Edition

I'm tired and busy, so this will be quick!

Mike def. Aaron - The Tony goes to Drew Brees. The Saints QB picked apart a good 49ers secondary to post 34 points. Mike continues to score well heading into his empty suit managerial week while he's in Cabo for BonerFest '08.

Hefty def. Jonesy - The Tony goes to Derrick Mason. The ancient receiver put up big numbers on an ugly Monday night game. He scored 18 points with Joe "The Ostrich" Flacco tossing him the rock. Figure that one out.

Craig def. Dave - The Tony goes to Greg Jennings. Big props to the Blow's whole receiving corps that combined for 69 points to send the team to its second victory. Jennings leads the NFL in receiving yards and scored his first 2 TDs to go along with all those yards.

Jordan def. Shawn - The Tony goes to Brett Favre. How can you ignore a record setting day from one of the NFL's top 10 QBs of all time? 6 TD tosses against the Cardinals, who looked like they'd never seen a football in the air before.

Melvin def. Adam - The Tony goes to Larry Fitzgerald. Melvin's team took a little bit of a scoring dip in week 4, but still pulled out the victory. I refuse to award his highest scorer, Kurt Warner, due to an ungodly amount of turnovers, albeit with 479 passing yards.

Shelby def. Rich - The Tony goes to Jake Delhomme. The Panther's QB put a lot of air under the ball and delivered strike after strike to Mouhammad and Smith. His 27 points help put Rich away on a down week. Take note here. Shelby FINALLY broke the 100 point barrier and did it with three guys scoring ZERO points. Ridiculous.

Week 4 Power Rankings: The Drunkest Rankings Yet!

Chicago Bear Grylls finds itself back at the top of the fantasy mountain.

Disclaimer: Today may not be the most coherent bloggery you've read on this site. The Phuckers lost 10-5, my garbage disposal broke, leaving me with a half-filled sink of pulled-pork-scented-water, the Icy Hot I rubbed onto my knee tonight seems to have hitched a ride on my Pringles and on to my esophagus, and the 30 Rock Premiere left me wanting oh so much more. So excuse me if I poured myself a tall glass of Trinidad's (and Tobago's) finest rum, 10Cane and decided to sit down and tell it like it is. Enough with the foreplay, let's figure out who's for real, and who's barely breathing in this league. Since sentence syntax probably isn't my strong suit right now, we'll do a Good/Bad breakdown for each team.

1. Bear Grylls (3-1, Previous #3)
The Good: Soundly defeated the #1 team in last week's rankings. Tomlinson looks like he's woken up from his 3 week coma. Braylon Edwards has somehow emerged as the 7th highest scoring WR in the league. No more Rex Grossman. Bears D has somehow blocked 5 kicks this season already.
The Bad: Carson Palmer and All Day Peterson are on bye this week. Made trade that seems to have backfired. David Carr is throwing to Steve Smith. Adrian Peterson's coach hates using talented running backs in situations where they might actually run the ball.

2. McLovin (3-1, Previous #1)
The Good: Paul's 3-1 despite any monstrous production out of LJ. The draft both Cincy receivers strategy has been one of the year's most succesful, as Chad and Housh take turns playing "Who's More Ridiculously Awesome" (no, seriously, they're number 2 and 3 in the league right now).
The Bad: What is this, a fantasy team or an ER triage? 7 of Slimdawg's players have an injury notation next to their name, including Clinton Portis, Andre Johnson, LaMont Jordan, and Caddy-Lac Williams, who's on the IR. Um, you can drop him any time. Just pause Halo 3. It won't miss you too much.

3. Kim Jong Il (3-1, Previous #5)
The Good: Marion Barber is the same player he was last year, despite the fact that everybody thought he'd flame out. Kellen Winslow, despite giggles from the peanut gallery on draft day, is the fourth highest scoring tight end this season. He just traded belly button lint for Peyton Manning.
The Bad: Calvin Johnson, who showed enormous potential to be rookie of the year in weeks 1 and 2, is on the shelf with a back injury. Brandon Marshall and Patrick Crayton are overacheiving. I refuse to believe that they're the 18th and 20th best receivers in the league. Those numbers will correct themselves.

4. Cripplers (3-1, Previous #2)
The Good: Randy Moss
The Bad: Joey Harrington

5. Larry Craig (1-3, Previous #6)
The Good: Ronnie Brown, who has somehow bribed ESPN.com into claiming that he's the top scoring running back in fantasy football so far this season. (I, frankly, don't care to live in such a world. WHERE WERE YOU LAST YEAR, SPERMBREATH?!) Jason Witten, who's the closest thing to Antonio Gates you could ask for this season. Eli Manning, who's been surprisingly unterrible this season. Dwayne Bowe, who came out of freaking nowhere.
The Bad: Rudi Johnson, who's been a bust. Donovan McNabb, who, unless playing the Lions, is worthless. 3 Losses, which, despite you scoring the most overall points this season, makes it hard to take you too seriously.

6. Dizeez Nutzzzzzzzzzz (3-1, Previous #7)
The Good: Steelers D? Nick Folk? I guess these are valuable fantasy assets. How exactly are you 3-1?
The Bad: Frank Gore, who's now lining up behind Trent Dilfer. I smell 10 men in the box, and it has nothing to do with DK for once. Maurice Jones-Drew, 52nd best fantasy back this season. Donte' Stallworth, blackballed by Brady.

7. T-Bags (2-2, Previous #9)
The Good: A very sexy 1-2 punch of Edge James and Joe Addai. A non-turnover-prone Brett Favre. Dallas "Not Triple Covered By Dolphins" Clark.
The Bad: Come on...Brett Favre? How long do you expect that charade to last? Let's put it this way...I had a gigantic hissy fit when ESPN.com autodrafted Favre onto my team. He's a ticking time bomb. Move him now or face the consequences. D-Jism, who's now paired up with T-Dildo.

8. Bisbee (2-2, Previous #8)
The Good: Jerry Porter and Marshawn Lynch. Hey, those names sound familiar. Jon Kitna, who plays for The Father, The Son, The Holy Ghost, and Mike Martz. Somebody finally bit on #7 ranked QB Derek Anderson. I smell a trade chip!!!
The Bad: Whiny bitches at WR. Boldin, with his tweaked hip. Moss, with his strained groin. Bernard Berrian has a Grade 3 case of the Brian Grieses. Simply put, you're starting Roydell Williams and Bryant Johnson at WR this week. Yeeeeeuck.

9. Areolas (2-2, Previous #4)
The Good: Terrell Owens. Brian Westbrook, who despite missing last week's game, is still ranked third amongst running backs. Give him a bye week to heal up and he'll be as good as new. Jeff Reed, fantasy's top kicker. A win over Bear Grylls, this Blogger's #1 team in the nation.
The Bad: Vince Young is marginal at best. The running backs, Fred Taylor and Ahman Green would be a lot better if this were 2003. Marvin Harrison's knee.

10. J-Jabbers (2-2, Previous #10)
The Good: Tony Romo, who's outpeytoning Peyton, and outbradying Brady. Lee Evans, who may be clicking with rookie signal caller Trent Edwards.
The Bad: Reggie Bush, now alone as big man on campus in the Saints backfield, will go a long way towards determining young Richard's fate. Laurence Maroney, who's scored as many touchdowns as I have this season. Lee Evans, who was drafted a lot higher than the 74th receiver, which is how he's played so far. (Yes, I know he's good and bad, that was kind of the point).

11. Dong Danglers (0-4, Previous #11)
The Good: Plaxico Burress
The Bad: Nearly everybody else. S-Jax's groin. Brees's underpeforming arm. The Jones Brothers' disapearring act.

12. Hollidaysburg (0-4, Previous #12)
The Good: You've got Dave to keep you company in the basement.
The Bad: His first round pick tore his groin. What's your excuse?

My Reinforcements Show Up Two Weeks Late

A-Rep drops some A-Bombs in this beautifully sculpted rant!

Editor's Note: I posted my original Rise of the A.P.T.s column when Repucci (my only supporter on the topic) was drinking Mai Tais and playing Hide The Jumbo on his honeymoon. Needless to say, my timing could have been better. However, he agreed with my sentiment, and took the time to chime in on the topic. Oh, and on the topic of why Nittany Apartments is referred to as the A.P.T.s..well, money was tight in college, and we were too poor to pronounce the whole word, so we falsely acronymated it.
Anyway, I'll turn this over to Aaron now. His words are below.

The rise of the A.P.T.S. part deux

Revenge. Yes, revenge! Why? Because Hefty and I have spent years now listening to all of your Westside inside jokes that read like a sorority girls AIM info after a memorable spring break trip with her “girlz”:

OMG…Jackie Prisk…giggle, chortle!
LOL, Michael Brinker! Tee hee!
Craig didn’t do the dishes again! Gasp! Sigh! UGH!

Who the effe is Jackie Prisk? What about her should be funny? Inside jokes suck! I’m so jealous that I’m on the outside! That I’m not cool enough to be in the know. That I live all the way across campus!!!!

Well, I’m sick of it! Now, with Hefty and I tied for first in our respective leagues...and since Hefty is the Blog Master…YOU WILL LISTEN TO EVERY DAMN WORD I HAVE TO SAY!

Hefty…do you remember…

SWISS MISS!!
“Just me in a tee!”
Lobster and ice scraper!!!
Karen Grap!!!!!!!!!!
Mister Lemiwinks!
“It’s my night BOTS!”
Cut da chaptas!!
TINKWEE!!!!!!!

HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Oh the MEMZ!

Week 4 Chumley Axshun

Jordaroo knocked off Adam, and finds himself at 3-1.

Scoring was down somewhat in Week 4. As a result, this may be our weakest Chumley induction class to date. Half of these guys didn't do anything special, they just happened to suck less than the rest of the winning team's players. Ah, that's parity for ya.
Sidenote: I'm already preparing Matt Schaub's Week 5 acceptance speech for when I beat the living snot out of J-Ying this weekend.

Game 1: Jon Hefty def. Paul Davis - And the Chumley goes to...
LaDainian Tomlinson, RB, SD - This is LT's first Chumley of the season and I'm somehow 3-1. That's pretty amazing. LaDainian finally broke out of his shell with 154 yards and score. However, I'm scared by this Chargers team. Playing second-half catch-up to the Chiefs? Really? They couldn't have built a first half lead and ran the ball 80 times in the second half? I'm really confused by this. This same exact roster went 14-2 last year. Is Norv Turner really that awful of a coach?

Game 2: Rich Ely def. Craig Fritz - And the Chumley goes to...
Tony Romo, QB, Dal - Romo hooked up with Patrick Crayton on 2 of his 3 passing touchdowns, and ran another one in. It pains me to write this, but the Cowboys are head and shoulders the best team in the NFC at this point. Another 40+ fantasy point week for Romo, who is currently the number 1 overall player in our league.

Game 3: Jordan Yingling def. Adam Davis - And the Chumley goes to...
Peyton Manning, QB, Ind - Part of this award is for the 3 touchdowns Peyton tossed on Sunday. The other part is for the delicious irony of Jordan using Peyton Manning, Adam's first round pick, to beat Adam. Sidenote: Cedric Benson stinks. On the bright side, his knee cap is still attached to his shin bone, so that's a plus.

Game 4: Shelby Fidler def. Matt Melvin - And the Chumley goes to...
Dallas Clark, TE, Ind - I'm starting to think that weird Sprint commercial for "Manning's Mind" is closer to reality than we may have thought. The little boy who whispers 'Clark', seems to be talking to Peyton on every single play, as Dallas keeps picking up yards and touchdowns. This week, he racked up 76 yards and 2 touchdowns. Although, I should point out that Marvin Harrison was triple covered by dolphins most of the game.

Game 5: Mike Walbert def. Shawn Hussein - And the Chumley goes to...
Jerry Porter, WR, Oak - Remember the face Faith Hill made when Carrie Underwood won the "Best Female Artist" award at the CMA's a while back?
Oh, really? You don't? What do you mean you don't watch Country Music Award shows?
Well, anyway, that's the face I'm making right now. I am the judge and jury when it comes to the Chumleys and even I couldn't rig this damn thing so Porter couldn't win a Chumley mere days after I shipped him off to Mike. I remember thinking two things when that trade passed...
1. Goodbye, Rex Grossman!!
2. Goodbye, Jerry Porter!!
Well, there's a lesson out there for you kids. And I think it's that Jerry Porter is a pedophile.

Game 6: Aaron Repucci def. Dave Wanner - And the Chumley goes to...
Matt Hasselbeck, QB, Sea - By default. A-Rep's team played some seriously ugly ball this weekend, but Elizabeth's brother in law at least managed to break 20 points. Now, kindly leave before you sully the good name of Chumley.

That's all for Week 4. All our winners are first time recipients, so the players to watch are still Brian Westbrook and Randy Moss.

Week 4 Photo Finishes

Playing the putrid Bengals D, there's no telling how many points Brady and Moss might put up tonight.

Looking at the FantasyCast scoreboard, there doesn't seem to be a lot of close games. Even when I was writing Bajingos and Sasquatches, I wasn't even noticing a lot of obvious choices. Why? Well, bye weeks could be one reason, but I'd say that it's because two of the most high-octane offenses in the NFL meet tonight, when the Pats and Bengals face off. With that said, some games that would normally be locked up for one team, could end up being a lot closer than we think. Let's take a peek and try to figure out who comes out on top tonight.

Game 1: Jordan (56.1 point lead) vs. Adam (Tom Brady)

Analysis - 56.1 points is a ridiculous amount. But it's also damn close to the number Carson Palmer put up in Week 2 against the Browns. Here's the thing with tonight's game: the Patriots have a good defense, but might not be comfortably ahead at any point in the game. That's the kind of set-up that allows for quarterbacks to keep throwing, and throwing, and throwing. With Brady's weapons, and the sieve that is the Bengals pass defense, 56.1 points (roughly 400 yards and 6 TDs) isn't actually all that far fetched. Of course, it's not entirely probable either, so I'll say Jordan gets out of this one alive.

Game 2: Mike (Stephen Gostkowski and a 36 point lead) vs. Shawn (Randy Moss)
Analysis - Again, 36 points is attainable for a receiver like Moss. However, if the Patriots do find the end zone that many times, you're tacking on an extra 6 or 7 points for all the Gostkowski extra points, so now Moss theoretically needs around 45 points. That's a little much, even though I say he finds the end zone 2 or 3 times in this one. Mike comes away a winner.

Game 3: Melvin (9.5 point lead) vs. Shelby (Pats D and Shayne Graham)
Analysis - Graham's good for around 5 points, and the defense should get some sacks and find ways to force turnovers for the remainder. Kenny Watson will be the Bengals starting running back and could have a lot of trouble running against the Patriots, which may lead to some fumble issues. I look for Shelby to get the win here and improve to 2-2.

Bonus Prediction: Jake Peavy throws 7 scoreless innings to set up a Padres-Phillies first round showdown. Padres 3, Rockies 1

Round-Up: Week 4 Bajingos and Sasquatches

Santonio Holmes led all wide receivers on Sunday with 27.3 points.

OK, Mikey touched on it, Deewaan expanded on it, but let's shoot from the hip here. This was a gawd-awful Pennsylvania futbol weekend. It's bad enough that Penn State lost, but having to watch the ESPN game tracker to find out what's going on is primitive and excruciating. I hate this Big Ten Network with every fiber of my body. While Penn State is playing the meat of their schedule, Comcast Cable shows me games like "Akron-Connecticut", "Temple-Army", "Northern Illinois-Central Michigan", and of course, "Villanova-James Madison". This is a freaking joke. I enjoy nothing more than laying on the couch and watching football, but even I can't justify watching that crap.
So that's Saturday. Sunday rolled around, and while the Eagles-Giants was technically on television, I'm not sure I actually watched it. What I watched was a Donovan McNabb snuff film shot in High Def. This is (with the bizarrely notable exception of Week 3), the most excruciating team to watch in the NFL. Three out of their four games have been impossible to watch with any sense of excitement. The highest my blood pressure got all game was when Reno Mahe fumbled a punt. Thank you, Reno, you may now return to your job as a bus boy at Chickie's and Pete's. Awful.
Sidenote: Pittsburgh-Arizona wasn't necessarily an unentertaining game, but I had some severe nausea going from power-smoking my NL East Division Champion victory cigar and watched most of the game with a pillow over my head.
Ah yes, the Phillies. Glad I mentioned them. This was really the one bright spot of the weekend. I know earlier in the season I said that once the NFL kicked off, it was football season. I know I said the Phils would finish four games out. But I need something else other than NFL in my life right now. This playoff run is coming at a great time. Bring on the Colo-diego Rock-dres!!! (Stupid cell phone commercials, now you've got me doing it.)

BAJINGOS

1. Matt Leinart - Watching this game as a Cardinals fan must have been rough. They bench Leinart, bring Warner in. Warner gets them the lead, so they bring Leinart back in. Leinart gets banged up, so they bring Warner back in. Leinart shakes it off, so they bring Leinart back in. Where am I going with this? Ah yes. Matt Leinart stinks in real life and definitely stinks in fantasy life.
2. Jeff Wilkins - Thanks for the negative point, asspenis.
3. Philip Rivers - 211 passing yards, but also had numerous turnovers that you can see on your favorite NFL highlights show. The net result was 4.1 fantasy points, and 2.1 of those were from completed passes. Ugly game. Ugly team in general. Bad coach, lame QB, underachieving defense, stupid new uniforms.
4. Craigger's Set It and Forget It Receivers - Javon Walker didn't play, T.O. only managed 3 catches for 33 yards in a bloodbath over the Rams, and Marvin Harrison dinged up his knee, leaving him with just one catch for eight yards. On the bright side, Bobby Engram caught a touchdown.
5. Steve Smith - A Bajingo two weeks in a row. 5 catches for 32 yards, and he may be playing with David Carr for the forseeable future. Not what I had in mind when I drafted the guy.

SASQUATCHES

1. Tony Romo - Holy crap, son. This guy has been unbelievable all year long, and although I hate complimenting Cowboys, he has definitely made them the team to beat. I liked him better when we all thought that bobbled snap would break his fragile psyche and he'd be horrendous.
2. Dallas Clark/Jason Witten - The Melvin-Fidler battle royale is coming down to the wire, and two of the reasons why are the tight ends. Dallas reeled in 2 TDs and 76 yards, Witten had 71 yards and a score of his own.
3. Jerry Porter - Wait a minute? This is the guy I just traded away for Wes Welker and a pair of gym socks? The guy I was ecstatic about including in any trade package just so I could show him the door? He had two touchdowns? Really????? Ugh. That may be the record for quickest trade-regret in fantasy history.
4. Peyton Manning - A solid day against a tough defense. 193 yards, 3 passing touchdowns, and a rushing touchdown. Sidenote: Cadillac Williams tore his patella tendon yesterday, Adam, so be thankful we didn't let you trade Manning for him. I can guarantee you'd be upset about that one today.
5. LaDainian - I think he's back on track. 132 rushing yards and a touchdown. As Peter King points out in his column though, 112 of those yards were in the first half. With the game still in question until late in the fourth, you're telling me you couldn't have come up with a few more plays for the reigning MVP? Still, I'll gladly take this over his last three weeks. Good game, little buddy.

Monday Morning Slobbering Yap: 10/1/07

Jerry Porter put a whipping on Monsignor Baldo and then donned the "Million Dollar Man" Ted DiBiase belt this weekend. Respect.

5 Things I Think That I Thought Were

1. I think you damn well know the numbers... 12 sacks and 15 penalties (Eagles), five turnovers (PSU) and nine men in the box (Steelers). What an abomination all around. Hey Steelers fans, welcome to watching a game where it feels like some chick in stelletos is just repeatedly stomping on your beanbag. Isn't it fun? WHY didn't Arians realize the Cards were stacking the box to stop Parker? WTF, Beavis.

2. I think I like the Phillies chances against either the Rockies or the Padres. And I like their chances even more against the next tier of opponents, the Dbacks and Cubs. Having watched the Dbacks all year, they have a couple of pitchers who give up a ton of runs (Doug Davis and Livan "Meatball Sub" Hernandez) and we know how the Phillies score. We'll see. I just jinxed them. The Mets are awesome, by the by!

3. I think you all should stay away from seeing The Black Dahlia, which stars Josh Harnett (worst actor in the world; he's as wooden as Hussein's magical growing nose), Scarlett Johansson (she doesn't even look great in it) and Hilary Swank (who bares her bottom. It's alright). The plot is convoluted, the acting is pretty poor and the film is too long. Overall, a major bummer.

4. I think this is what I hated about the weekend:
a. It's the same, tired-ass story with Penn State. Just an excrutiating experience and a colossal waste of talent and opportunities. What will it take for JoePa to come out of his coma?
b. Penn State.
c. Nittany Lions.
d. Joe.
e. Bringing out the spread offense early against Illinois. It works for a bit. And then shelve it.
f. Penn State.

5. I think this is what I liked about the weekend:
a. Meg's innocent question about Andy Reid, while we're watching that diarrhea fest last night and Tickle Me, Moustache is shown sweating in his trademark massive snowsuit: "Is it really cold there? ... Why is he wearing a ski jacket?" Many of us have wondered the same thing, dear.
b. Having Jerry Porter shove a giant middle finger in Jordan's face. How's that for analysis?
c. Seeing the undefeated Westside teams take it on the chin. Now we're in for a real race the rest of this fantasy season!
d. 0-4. Guess who.