Uncle Walbo's Week 14 Playoff Preview Spectacular!!!

It's been a "rocky road" to the 2007 Westside FFL playoffs! (sorry, couldn't get the Goonies pic you sent me...)

EDITOR'S NOTE: For a fair and balanced look at Playoff Action, we bring in Senior Playoff Analyst, Mike Walbert. His words are below.


After 13 weeks of blood, sweat and horrible jokes, here stands Westside Fantasy Football League 2007, poised for the postseason to begin. Well, everyone except me, Deewaan, Matthew and Shelby. Fine.

It’s time to breakdown the playoff matchups, the matchups within the matchups and make predictions of who will prevail and who will be joining the loser brigade. Are. You. Reeeeeeeeady?


#8 HOLIDAYSBURG’S MICHAELPJACKSON at #1 JABROC JUNK JABBERS

JUNK JABBERS
Who Got Him Here
-Tony Romo (#2 ranked QB)
-Larry Fitzgerald (#7 ranked WR)
-Tony Gonzalez (#4 ranked TE)
Sasquatch Alert
-Santonio Holmes. If #10 can come back from his ankle injury, the Patriots have shown the last two weeks that they don’t care much to cover “decent” (Derrick Mason) to “terrible” (Greg Lewis) wide receivers. Holmes is considerably better than those guys.
Bajingo Alert
-Jesse Chatman. Facing off against a stout Buffalo defense playing their asses off this year, Chatman will struggle to get even half of the stupendously odd 20.5-point prediction by the beloved Hector & Victor.
Analysis
Rich has had to contend with the vicious venereal disease RBB (Reggie Bush’s Bullshit) all season. But the Simpson-slamming ways of Tony Romo have led the charge, combined with a major late-season surge by Gonzalez. Fitzgerald’s iffy status certainly harms the #1 team.


MICHAELPJACKSON
Who Got Him Here
-Tom Brady (#1 ranked QB and asshole)
-Vikings D (#1 ranked Defense)
Sasquatch Alert
Adrian Peterson. The other AP could find holes against a Redskins D that is tired and reliant more on defending the pass. Plus, there’s really no one else to choose. Oh, alright. Ronald Curry.
Bajingo Alert
Hines Ward. See above with Santanio Holmes. Holmes’ possible return could mean less passes coming Ward’s way.
Analysis
He took more shit than a fertilized corn field but still rallied into the final playoff spot. Adam’s surge hasn’t been a secret: Brady scores the major chunk of points and hope for inexplicable point production from sources like Desmond Clark or Isaac Bruce. With Brady around, as has been said all season, he has a puncher’s chance.

The Pick
While injuries could derail the Junk Jabbers season, the boys from Jabroc (is that in Tennessee?) simply have more viable, consistent scoring weapons than the MichaelPJackson. And Romo only averages 5 less points a game than Brady.
Junk Jabbers 132, MichaelPJackson 103.


#7 DEATH KNELL AT #2 LICENSE TO KIM JONG IL

KIM JONG IL
Who Got Him Here
-Peyton Manning (#5 ranked QB)
-Marion Barber III (#8 ranked RB)
-Reggie Wayne (#4 ranked WR)
Sasquatch Alert
-Ryan Grant. This unheralded running back managed to crack Green Bay’s atrocious 7-man rotation at tailback and has been a beast over the last six weeks. Facing a porous Oakland run defense and a dinged up Brett Favre means fantastic stuff for Mr. Grant.
Bajingo Alert
-Manning. Don’t sleep on the Baltimore Ravens D. The monster appeared to awaken this week against New England and they could be ornery still after the MNF debacle. Don’t be surprising if Manning struggles to throw more than two TDs against this unit.
Analysis
Jordache dealt for Manning and, honestly, it hasn’t been the windfall any of us expected. (Six points versus KC? Nineteen against San Diego?) His team was hovering around first before the trade and he won the weak Autobots division, but that could be more due to the collapse of Diz-eeZ-(insert name or word here)


DEATH KNELL
Who Got Him Here
-Brian Westbrook (#1 ranked RB)
-Earnest Graham (#12 ranked RB)
-Terrell Owens (#2 ranked WR and ass lesion)
Sasquatch Alert
-Owens. The Lions D is just puzzling. And the way Martz calls passing plays, expect a lot of punts and turnovers going Dallas’ way. No one can cover Owens on that team.
Bajingo Alert
-Kurt Warner. The Arizona Cardinals on the road is always a dangerous proposition (except when it’s in Philadelphia). And playing a Seahawks passing D that has allowed less than a dozen passing TDs all year in a harsh, nasty-weather environment is troubling. Oh, and Anquan Boldin and Larry Fitzgerald are likely out.
Analysis
Since the historic name change, Craig has been barnstorming the league and took a firm grasp of the #7 playoff spot. Westbrook has been sensational and Craig has also received timely contributions from Bobby Engram and Jamal Lewis.

The Pick
While having a very solid season, Jordan’s playoff seeding is right out of the NBA’s goofy rules. This matchup truly hinges on the quarterbacks. Which one will perform better and avoid costly turnovers and low yardage output? It’s a gut feeling here … and a mild upset.
Death Knell 137, Kim Jong Il 132


#6 OPTIMUS PRYMEZ’ DIZ-EEZ NUTZ!!! AT #3 THE CANADIAN CRIPPLERS

CRIPPLERS
Who Got Him Here
-Randy Moss (#1 ranked WR)
-Willis McGahee (#5 ranked RB)
Sasquatch Alert
-Marques Colston. Saints play the Falcons. That’s as far as I’ll go.
Bajingo Alert
-Willie Parker. Though ranked fairly well (#11 RB), Parker has found the end zone twice (week 2 and week 8) and faces the always difficult Patriots defense.
Analysis
Shawn ripped off a series of wins in the early part of the league, but a two-game losing steak cost him the top seed. Moss has been a shining star among some semi-turds. Lack of consistent QB play (he’s started half a dozen different guys this year) has hurt, but the big-play potential is there with Shockey and Colston and McGahee.


DIZ-EEZ NUTZ!!!
Who Got Him Here
-Nick Folk (#1 ranked Kicker)
-Steelers Defense (#4 ranked Defense)
-Matt Hasselbeck (#9 ranked QB)
Sasquatch Alert
Maurice Jones-Drew. The Jaguars play the Panthers this weekend and you can expect huge numbers from the guys in the weird black uniforms with the yellow splotch on their helmet.
Bajingo Alert
Steelers D. They face New England. Could be ugly. Or could be a bounty. Who knows at this point?
Analysis
Steelers D and Nick Folk… We’ve been saying it all year and it’s what’s been happening all year: Those two entities have kept Diz-eeZ NutZ!!! in the winners category – until of late. A three-game losing streak is never good entering the playoffs. However, Aaron’s roster moves, including picking up Roddy White, who received some sort of voodoo boost and leapt into the top-20 list of WRs somehow, have been solid to make up for a fairly lame draft.

The Pick
This will probably be the tightest contest of the four playoff games. Hasselbeck has been on fire, Torry Holt has come out of the doldrums and MJD has a terrific matchup. Then again, so does Colston and David Garrard will be tossing the skin against that Carolina D as well. Then there’s a guy named Moss on the Cripplers sideline as well. This game hinges on the Steelers’ performance against New England, plain and simple.
Cripplers 117, Diz-eeZ NutZ!!! 99


#5 HAWAII MCLOVIN AT #4 CHICAGO BEAR GRYLLS

GRYLLS
Who Got Him Here
-Adrian Peterson (#3 ranked RB)
-LaDainian Tomlinson (#2 ranked RB)
-Braylon Edwards (#3 ranked WR)
Sasquatch Alert
Adrian Peterson. He butts heads with a San Franciso team that smells worse than Deewaan’s college dates.
Bajingo Alert
Kevin Walter. He gets docked points just for his mugshot. But seriously, he’s up against a difficult Tampa Bay cover-two defense.
Analysis
No other team in this fantasy league had seven of nine starters ranking in the top 10 at their position, as of this writing. How is it possible that the Bear Grylls aren’t better than a 5-loss team then? Carson Palmer, while ranking seventh among QBs has been inconsistent at best and his stats are clouded by his 55-point outburst in week 2. However, the running backs are unstoppable. If Tomlinson can keep the momentum, well, it’s el-stinko for whoever faces Jon.


MCLOVIN
Who Got Him Here
-TJ Houshmanzadeh (#5 ranked WR)
-Clinton Portis (#7 ranked RB)
Sasquatch Alert
Andre Johnson. OK, so I’ll contradict myself from earlier. Yes, Johnson is against Tampa. But he has come out on fire from the missed time due to injury. He’s hot and he’ll stay hot.
Bajingo Alert
Justin Fargas. Green Bay is likely pissed about the Thursday game. And this contest is at Lambeau. Don’t expect too much yardage from Fargas, who was a shrewd pickup (I should know; had him on my roster)
Analysis
The Housh and Chad Johnson show has kept Paul in the upper echelon of the league. Up-and-down QB play (boy, there’s a real theme in the league this year!) has detracted from his success. But overcoming the loss of Larry Johnson, a top-three pick, has been impressive.

The Pick
The running back combo platter of AD and LDT is just vicious. I’m talking major diarrhea for the digestive system. Those two have favorable matchups, as does Edwards. Jason Campbell and Portis are gonna struggle against the Bears D.
Bear Grylls 139, McLovin 110

Week 13 Roundup: Hermies and Yukons

Let's be in-de-pen-dent together!!

As you may have noticed, the blog was not updated today in it's normal timeframe. There's a reason for this. I got transferred to our main office today, which means the days of blogging on somebody else's dime are over. Now I'm stuck in a myriad of cubicles, with dozens of eyes furtively darting to and fro, looking for the first sign of malfeasance, so that the proverbial whip may be cracked. There's a chance I might still be able to sneak in a quick posting during a lunch break, but most of my columns take a little longer to jot down.

This is a mixed bag. The bad news, to you the reader, is that no longer will you be able to check the page multiple times in a day and find a new lead story. The good news, to you the reader, is that now, most of my musings will be written at night, and since it's December, there's a 75% chance that I'm drinking bourbon and listening to Wolfmother (and if the column runs long, like it did tonight, the iTunes playlist spills into WuTang Clan). I like to think most of my decent writing happens when both of those things are happening. Anyway, to fully entertain yourself, I encourage you all to take full advantage of the comments feature and stir the pot a little bit. You can also send me guest posts, as I can cut and paste these when my cube-neighbors go grab a coffee. It will be thrilling for you to see your work on the WWW, and it will be fun for me to pull a guerilla blogging session at the office.

Anyway, you're here (most likely) for football news, and so I'll cut to the chase. There was a full slate of NFL action this week: some good (Browns-Cards); some atrocious (Bears-Jints). Let's peek around the league and see who deserves one of our two titles this week.

HERMIE THE DENTISTS

I watched Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer on CBS tonight, and I couldn't help but notice that Hermie has to be one of the biggest Bajingos in television history. This guy was as close to a butt pirate as you could get away with in 1964. His hair was always perfectly coiffed, he spoke with a distinct lisp (I don't like making toyth!), and he wanted to be a dentist. Probably to see the inside of dudes' throats. Anyway, if our fantasy landscape were Rudolph, the shittiest of the bunch would be represented by Gay Hermie.

1. Wes Welker!!! - I'll be honest, I dozed off at halftime of last night's MNF contest (damn you, Yuengling variety pack!!!). And apparently I missed a doozy. But one thing I didn't miss was actual production from The Great White Hope. Welker was quiet to the tune of 3 catches for 18 yards, only a week after catching seemingly every pass attempted against the Eagles D.

2. Kevin Jones - If you're a running back, and you make it into somebody's starting lineup, and then "produce" only 3 carries for 1 yard, well then, that would make you a giant swollen Bajingo.

3. Packers D/ST - Negative 3 points. Instant Bajingo.

4. Brett Favre - I know, he was hurt. But it's not like he was lighting Dallas up at the time. In fact, he was stinking up the joint to the tune of 5/14, 56 yards and 2 Ints. If there's any consolation for Shelby, it's that the rest of his team played like complete Hobo Ass this weekend too, and he probably wouldn't have made the playoffs even if Favre had tossed 5 touchdowns.

5. Rich Ely - Pardon me for raising my voice at the number 1 seed in our playoff bracket. But HOW IN GOD'S GREEN EARTH HAVE YOU MADE 23 TRANSACTIONS, AND NOT ONE OF THEM INVOLVED CUTTING TERRY GLENN?! You know, you deserved to lose yesterday after starting an injured Larry Fitzgerald. A quick scan of your bench showed Andre Davis, Santana Moss, and Mr. 0 games played, 0 catches, 0 yards, 0 TDs Himself! Why is this man still on a roster, Rich? Why?

YUKON CORNELIUSES

In the same movie as I mentioned above, the choices for most asskicking character are few and far between. The obvious choice to replace "Sasquatches" this week would be The Abominable Snow Monster, who is, well...a Sasquatch. However, something about Abominable just doesn't click in this film. For one, he's entirely too clumsy. Secondly, he's one of those lame villians who has the good guys trapped for hours but just won't kill them. And thirdly, he's a giant shrieking pussy once he gets his teeth taken out. So what if you can't chew!? It will hurt Rudolph even more if you gum him to death. Maybe step on him a few times or whip him against the side of a cave to shatter his bones and he'll go down easier. Stop being a little bitch.

Anyway, the real hero in this movie is Yukon Cornelius, who not only roams the North Pole looking for gold and silver, but does so with a sleigh driven by approximately 4 puppies. These dogs aren't even full grown, and here they are, carrying a grown man, an elf, and a deer across the snow banks. It's awesome. And so is Yukon. And so are our next five names.

1. The Ding-Dong Danglers! - It's unfortunate that this team is Consolation Ladder bound. Delaware was the highest scoring tribe this week, and the way they're playing, could have caused some real trouble for a top seed in the playoffs this week.

2. Willis McGahee - Willis had his best game of the season against the best team ever to play any organized sport ever. That's pretty impressive. McGahee carried 30 times for 138 yards and a score. The touchdown was his 7th in as many games, which is strange considering he didn't have a rushing TD in his first five games.

3. Peyton and Reggie - I swear my Comcast box must have a V-Chip that blocks any highlights from any game involving the Jacksonville Jaguars. I didn't see a single snap of this game, but apparently Peyton Manning and Reggie Wayne both had a monstronomous (new word) game against JVille this weekend, combining for 61 points.

4. LaAdrainian Petomlinerson - My two headed mutant backfield combined to be the most potent duo in the league last week. Adrian's healthy, LT (and the Chargers for that matter) appears to be back in form, and I'm ready for a Champeenship run.

5. AD - No, not All Day Peterson, but Adam Davis. Our league hasn't had a member be the target of so much humor since Shelby's spare skin, but Adam is the one laughing now. Kudos to him for keeping Brady over Manning and making the playoffs. The only negative I can think of is that at next year's draft, everybody's going to go with the two-quarterbacks-in-the-first-two-rounds theory, and I'll be stuck scraping the bottom of the barrel and have to trot out Chris Redman as my Week 1 starter.

Be sure to join us next week for a very special Playoff Edition of Bajingos and Sasquatches! And by "very special", I mean "probably less names on each list since there's fewer teams playing important games in our league"!!!

Week 12 Round Up: Bajingos and Sasquatches

Sean Taylor, although far from my favorite player, sure did put a lickin' on some Cowboys.

Well, this feature's got one more week of life left in it. When the playoffs start up, I reckon I'll be firing up a brand new recap feature to clue you in on the real happenings of the NFL Fantasy scene. With that in mind, let's break down our second-to-last sets of Bajingos and Sasquatches.

BAJINGOS

1. Arizona D, Tennessee D, Detroit D - The Cardinals and Titans both redefined defensive suckitude this week, as each put up a saucy negative 2 points. The Lions outdid them with negative 3! Very nice. Speaking of Tennessee, my free Titans windbreaker finally arrived as my gift for subscribing to Sports Illustrated. You know how you know I'm gay? I ordered a Titans windbreaker because I like their colors.

2. Lee Evans - Evans was held to 2 catches for 19 yards after looking like he had finally turned the corner this season. Word out of Buffalo is that the Bills will take one more ride on the quarterback carousel, with Trent Edwards starting next week. Nothing like switching QBs every two weeks to help build continuity among an offense.

3. Clinton Portis - Portis had a decent game overall, piling up 101 total yards on 20 carries and 5 catches. However, he also lost two fumbles in a turnoverfest down in Tampa.

4. LenDale White - The USC Thug put up 3.2 points against the NFL's worst defense. Enough said.

5. Pretty Much Everybody Who Played Last Night, But Especially Heath Miller - 0 catches, 0 yards, 0 vicious tackles on Joey Porter after his interception. J-Peezy got off easy, as Big Ben was the one who wrassled him to the mud-drenched turf.

.
SASQUATCHES

1. Kurt Warner - Game-ending/suicide-pool-destroying fumble or not, 484 yards is 484 yards. Curious statline for Tim Rattay in this game though, who came in for 1 pass, tossed a touchdown, and got out of dodge. A closer look at his stats shows that this has actually been the case in 3 of the past 5 games.

2. Kolby Smith - Herm Edwards does not baby his running backs. A year after feeding Larry Johnson an NFL record number of carries, the Chiefs, who are quickly running out of fresh bodies to run the ball, gave rookie Kolby Smith the rock 31 times. He responded with 150 yards and 2 touchdowns.

3. Vikings D - Anybody who can make Eli Manning look like he's just pissed himself is a winner in my book. The Vikings set an NFL record by taking three of Manning's throws back the other way for touchdowns.

4. Brett Favre - Watching Packers/Lions helped ease the pain in my bloated gut after a Thanksgiving Day feast. Favre was surgical on Sunday, completing 20 straight passes, despite the fact that the Packers refused to run the ball during that period to take some of the load off Favre. I dislike Favre, but he definitely displayed some big time accuracy and the dude still has a cannon at age 38. Favre finished with 381 yards and 3 TDs.

5. Chad Johnson - Another guy I'm growing to dislike is Chad Johnson. Once upon a time, when I owned him in my keeper league, Chad was my favorite non-Eagle in the league, with his jaw-dropping catches and zany celebrations. Now, he's starting to become the Paris Hilton of the NFL. He doesn't do all that much anymore, and yet, the camera refuses to look away. Well, for once, Chad had a great game, hauling in 12 catches for 103 yards and 3 scores.

Week 11 Round-Up: Stuffing and Cranberry Sauce

Week 11 sure was a doozy. The Patriots improved to 10-0, the Packers and Cowboys are both 9-1, the Eagles are finally at .500, and the Steelers dropped an overtime game to a team that would have trouble winning the SEC East, let alone the AFC East.
With that in mind, and with the Thanksgiving holiday right around the corner, let's take a look at the highs and lows from Week 11.

Sidenote: In a contrived attempt to incorporate my favorite holiday, plus eliminate the need to write 'Bajingo' or 'Sasquatch' for the eleventh time this season, we're putting a new twist on an old favorite.

STUFFING

.
Replacing Bajingos this week will be Stuffing. I don't like Stuffing. In fact, I despise it. While no two stuffing recipes are exactly the same, you can guarantee that this mish-mash of turkey organs and stale bread will be at your Thanksgiving spread on Thursday. And to get the stuff down your gullet, you'll need to drizzle it with at least three ladlefuls of gravy. Stuffing is to Thanksgiving what Fruitcake is to Christmas: an old tradtion that needs to be aborted before it goes any further. This year, say no to Stuffing. Just scoop an extra helping of mashed potatoes (or the wildly underrated Sweet Potato Casserole) on your plate and thank me later.

1. Julius Jones and Jerricho Cotchery - The two dudes I traded for this week that were supposed to help solidify my roster did anything but. In trading for Cotchery, I noticed that he had posted at least four catches in every game this season. I saw this as a sign of great consistency. Well, yesterday he had 1 catch for 5 yards. As for the Julius Jones debacle, well, I don't know what to tell you than the guy's been on every one of my fantasy teams since he was a rookie and I still have a soft spot for him. But he's fairly terrible.

2. Steve Smith and Jerrious Norwood - To be fair, at least I didn't get the short end of the stick in my trade. Steve Smith had a shin problem and was ruled out just before game time. As for Norwood, just 2 carries for 4 yards, although he was on Deewaan's bench.

3. Rudi Johnson - 8 carries, 25 yards. He blows. Next!!

4. Donovan McNabb - Although he was injured early in the game, Donovan made the least of his outing against the Fins yesterday. And that's putting it kindly. Putting it more harshly, he played like frozen dog shit. 3-11 passing, 34 yards, and 2 mind-bogglingly terrible interceptions, one of which he only had 12 seconds in the pocket to throw. Good luck throwing against Randall Gay and Asante Samuel on a gimpy ankle next week, D-Mac.

5. Peyton Manning - The Colts draw an extra dose of my ire today for squeaking away with a 13-10 win, when a loss would have won me my big money suicide pool. However, if Donovan played like frozen dog shit yesterday, Peyton played like room temperature dog shit. 16-32 passing, 163 yards, 0 TDs, and a pick. At home against the Chiefs. With the Steelers also losing yesterday, the biggest obstacle in the AFC to the Patriots may be the Cleveland Browns (P.S. I'm not joking.)

CRANBERRY SAUCE

.
Replacing Sasquatches this week will be my good personal friend, Cranberry Sauce. Specifically Ocean Spray brand Jellied style Cranberry Sauce, but their PR department said they weren't interested in paying advertising dollars to "a blog nobody's ever heard of", so screw them. Anywho, Cranberry Sauce is the antithesis of stuffing. It's easy to serve, it's sugary enough to put you in anaphylactic shock, and it's usually not high on other people's list, so you can get away with eating 3/4 of a can of this by yourself and still not look like a hog.

1. Formerly Troubled WR #1 - Randy Moss had somewhat of a decent game. It's not that I think he'll absolutely torch the Eagles secondary next week...but I just can't think of any other way to finish that sentence. We are doomed.

2. Formerly Troubled WR #2 - Terrell Owens was actually better than Moss. 8 catches, 173 yards, and 4 TDs. I'd love to have a chat with whoever thought it was a splendid idea to play soft zone against Owens, refusing to put a man on him for his first three touchdowns. If Madden '07 has taught me anything, and it has, you play a 2 deep-man-coverage on T.O., then you shade your safety over a few yards, and then you have him switch out of zone and into a double team. That way, the QB still reads zone on the one side, and man on the other. It's foolproof.

3. Minnesota's Offensive Line - I'm beginning to think that even Rudi Johnson could run for 100 behind that line. After Adrian's injury, Chester Taylor filled in beautifully, with 22 carries for 164 yards and 3 touchdowns. This of course infuriated me that I didn't offer a Kevin Walter for Chester Taylor trade weeks ago before Peterson went down. At the risk of sounding like the Talented Mr. Roto on ESPN, the lesson is, you always handcuff your studs.

4. Andre Johnson - The Armed Robbery of a Toddler scenario has presented itself. Johnson was back yesterday and it doesn't look like he missed a step. 6 catches, 120 yards and touchdown. Slimmy would be a good bet to win this whole thing if his quarterback wasn't one more boneheaded play away from being benched.

5. Phil Dawson - The kick that wasn't, then was. I don't know if you saw replay of this, but it's awesome. The best part is watching the sheer joy on the Baltimore fans faces, then seeing them melt into confusion when they announce the booth review, then disgust when they overturn the kick, then homocidal rage as Dawson makes the game winner in OT. They should try this in a criminal trial sometime.
"We, the jury, find OJ Simpson not guilty!"
*seconds later*
"Actually, we're going to talk it over again. Hold tight for a minute, Juice."
*minutes later*
"Yeah, actually, you definitely did it. Sorry, man, you're guilty. Our bad. Didn't mean to get your hopes up."
*the next day during sentencing*
"Lethal Injection!!! Case closed!!!"

And..........
SCENE.

Week 10 Round Up: Bajingos and Sasquatches

Sasquatch #5 will be enjoying the Golden Shower after this weekend.

It's time for everybody's favorite "who's hot/who's not" look around the fantasy scene. Yes, boy howdy, it's Bajingos and Sasquatches! Let's take a glance and see who deserves accolades (that's good!) and who deserves admonishment (that's bad!)!!
.

BAJINGOS

1. The Peefaces That Are The Cincinnati Bengals Offense: Come ON!!!! Seven trips to the red zone, seven field goals. Not one lousy touchdown pass, not one lousy Carson Palmer QB sneak touchdown. Ugly. Shelby must have given Marvin Lewis one hell of a pregame beej.

2. Jamal Lewis: I'm guessing this isn't what Jamal had in mind for an encore to last week's 4 touchdown performance. 16 rushes for 35 yards. Putrid. Look, I know my glory days have come and gone as an athlete. Sad but true. But I'm pretty sure that if you gave me the ball 16 times in an NFL game, running behind an NFL line, I could average 2 yards a carry. I'd probably get a concussion or six, but that's beside the point. The point is, how does an NFL back get 35 yards on 16 carries?

3. LenDale White: Speaking of fat running backs, it's LenDale White!!! LenDale's stat line was actually worse than Jamal's: 8 carries for 12 yards. If I was a Titans coach, I'd have the grounds crew sprinkle the goal line with bacon bits just before kickoff. That way, LenDale would have extra motivation to get in the endzone.
Sidenote: I actually think the "LenDale White Is Fat!" jokes are stupid, and not that funny. But boy are they easy.

4. Adam Vinatieri - Any time you get a -1, you're a pretty good bet for Bajingo status. But miss a game winning 29 yarder despite being hailed as the most clutch kicker in the NFL and you're a mortal lock. Awful day for Adam and the Colts.

5. Philip Rivers - My. God. This guy is terrible. I know he occasionally gets his stats here and there. And yes, he's still ranked 16th among QB's. But he looked like a rookie Sunday against the Colts. He's lost TEN fumbles this year! TEN!!!! To put that in perspective, Steve McNair has eight. Donovan McNabb has six. How this guy still has a starting QB job is beyond me.

SASQUATCHES

1. The Juggernaut That Is The Cincinnati Bengals Defense: Look, I realize that any defense squaring up against the Baltimore Ravens offense is probably in for a good day. But on the other hand, any offense lining up across from the fellas in Orange and Black practically starts the game with 14 points. It's your classic Resistable-Force-Meets-Movable-Object. Well, anyway, the Bengals slapped together a near-shutout and pressured Steve McNair into countless mistakes, totalling six takeaways on the day.

2. Brian Westbrook: B West had the best day of any running back, scoring on his trademark shovel pass, a nifty catch and run that went for a long score, and a walk-in touchdown that sealed the game for the Birds. All in all, Westbrook accounted for 183 yards and 3 touchdowns. Best of all, he's restored my faith in the Eagles, who I've now made my Week 11 Suicide Pick.

3. Jeremy Shockey: Good Lord, do I hate Shockey. But watching the Dallas-Giants game on Sunday afternoon, I couldn't help but be impressed. The guy was absolutely everywhere: 12 catches for 129 yards and a score.

4. Tony Romo: On the other sideline, of course, was another fantasy points machine. Romo had his second 4 passing TD game of the season (both against NYG), on 20 of 28 for 247 yards. I feel kind of horrible for saying this, but Romo's actually kind of a likeable guy (as opposed to J-Shock). Although I was rooting for the Giants in this one (or a terrorist attack), it was hard not to be impressed with Romo's effort. I'm actually terrified to watch him carve up the Eagles twice a year for the next six.

5. The Canadian Cripplers: Do the math. Shawn has just clinched a playoff spot. He's up 4 games on the 9th place team with 3 left to play. Congratulations to our only 8-2 squad. Now that you clinched, I say it's time to rest your starters for the playoffs. Feel free to start all your bench players. In fact, do it this week. I'm sure whoever you're playing this week will be okay with it.

Week 9 Double Shot: Power Bajingos and Power Sasquatches

Grab a cup of coffee and check out the hot new double feature.

Well sports fans, it's time to unveil the latest set of Power Rankings. And since Bajingos and Sasquatches went by the wayside this week, I'm combining the two features into one mega-feature. We'll not only rank the teams, we'll point out each team's strengths and weaknesses with the old B's and S's formats.

1. Canadian Cripplers (7-2, L1, Previous #1)
I know what you're thinking..."But he lost!! To the number 2 team in the rankings!! He can't still be #1!!!" Actually, yes he can. Since Sunday, he's gotten significantly better via trade (more on this later), and Slimfast may have gotten significantly worse.
BAJINGO - Looking at his roster as it stands pre-trade, the holes on this team are Brian Griese and Kevin Jones. Post-trade, those holes are filled. Ladies and gentlemen, that is a good trade.
SASQUATCH - The receiving trio of Colston, Randy Moss, and Chris Henry. That's right, the same Chris Henry who hasn't played a snap in 2007. He's already a Sasquatch. He's going to be awesome.

2. Hawaii McLovin (7-2, W2, Previous #2)
As I mentioned, Paul's team got some bad news, as it looks like Chad Johnson may miss this game, and his brother Larry will definitely miss this game. Replacing those two? Justin Fargas and Nate Burleson. Burleson's a half-decent receiver, and a superb punt returner, but Craig has made it perfectly clear that punt returns don't mean a damn thing.
BAJINGO - Philip Rivers is way too hot and cold to be counted on as we come up on playoff time. 4 games with multiple touchdowns, 4 games with a goose egg.
SASQUATCH - Clinton Portis slipped to the third round of our draft this year, mainly due to concerns about injuries and the presence of Ladell Betts. Well, if we were doing things over again, Portis would likely end up going in the first round. He's been the workhorse in Washington, and last week's 196 yard performance was a dandy.

3. Chicago Bear Grylls (6-3, W2, Previous #3)
I believe it's okay to announce that I made the steal of the draft by taking Adrian Peterson with the first pick of the FIFTH round, right? Everybody cool with that? Thought so.
BAJINGO - Although it's hard to call anybody in the top 10 at their position a Bajingo, Steve Smith probably deserves it. Smith is the Philip Rivers of wide receivers. Is he going to erupt for 100 plus yards and a touchdown, or is he going to finish the game with 2 catches for 14 yards? Your guess is as good as mine.
SASQUATCH - Peterson's the obvious answer, but I'll go with Braylon Edwards and Wes Welker. These two have become essential cogs in their offense, and now rank #3 and #5 at their position respectively. Unlike Smith, these guys are going to get their hands on the ball each and every week.

4. Jabroc Junk Jabbers (6-3, W1, Previous #5)
The rebirth of Lee Evans is impressive. It makes me enraged that I traded him and Dallas Clark for Eli Manning in my other league, but it's still impressive none the less.
BAJINGO - Jesse Chatman. What, Samkon Gado wasn't available?
SASQUATCH - The Tonys. Romo and Gonzalez. I think you should rename your team "Two Wetbacks Named Tony" to honor these two Hispanic gentlemen who share the same first name.

5. Dizeez Nutz (6-3, W1, Previous #4)
Aaron's almost a lock for the playoffs despite scoring just 3.2 points more than the lowest scoring team in the league. So I have to knock him down a peg from last week.
BAJINGO - Frank Gore. Hasn't ran for more than 88 yards in a game, and hasn't scored a TD since Week 2. Horribly disappointing season for a first round pick.
SASQUATCH - Steelers D and Nick Folk. These are the two most consistent contributors. It's a good thing we didn't go with Punters and Coaches. Aaron seems to have the market cornered on all the useless categories.

6. License To Kim Jong Il (5-4, W1, Previous #7)
Speaking of horribly disappointing first round picks, hey, it's Shaun Alexander!!!
BAJINGO - Alexander. Not even the movie "Alexander" was this big of a flop. And that movie featured extended Colin Farrell manass.
SASQUATCH - Kellen Winslow. The Second. He's been healthy, and he's been consistent, scoring 8 or more points in every game this season.

7. Bisbee Ball Maulers (4-5, L1, Previous #6)
The Jon Kitna Experience is over in Bisbee. The trade gives Mike the ancient Joey Galloway, who is currently the #8 ranked WR. Any move that gets Jerry Porter out of a team's starting lineup has to be considered a positive one.
BAJINGO - Anquan Boldin has cooled off since a white hot start to the season, mostly due to injury. However, if you're playing "Find The Bajingo" on a team with Jerry Porter, the rule of thumb is to just go with Jerry Porter.
SASQUATCH - Derek Anderson. I've made a few statements about some good free agent pickups this season, but when it boils down to it, there's no better addition than Derek Anderson, who currently ranks ahead of Peyton Manning, despite not starting in Week 1. Marshawn Lynch also gets some definite Sasquatch consideration.

8. Pocket T Bags (4-5, W2, Previous #10)
Shelby has a death grip on the #1 waiver wire priority. I'm actually a little astonished he didn't use it this week to pick up Koy Detmer, which would have been our shrewdest signing to date.
BAJINGO - Darrell Jackson is a major bust after switching scenery in the NFC West this offseason. Instead of catching 14 passes in a game like former teammate Bobby Engram did for Seattle last week, Jackson has caught 20 balls all season in San Fran.
SASQUATCH - Joseph Addai. This week, Addai, the second ranked running back, goes up against the same Chargers defense that allowed 296 yards and three touchdowns to the first ranked running back, Adrian Peterson, just a week ago.

9. Delaware Ding Dong Danglers (3-6, L1, Previous #8)
With Drew Brees catching fire of late, this could be a dangerous squad if they can manage to grab one of the last playoff spots.
BAJINGO - It would be easy to say Steven Jackson, but I don't know how well I could run if my groin muscle decided to explode. Instead I'll go with Reggie Brown, who's one half of the most frustrating WR duo in the NFL. Watching Owens explode on the Eagles for 10 catches and 150 yards, while Donovan fumbled on the first play and sailed passes into the stands made me wish things had turned out somewhat differently in Philadelphia.
SASQUATCH - LenDale White. LenDale had virtually no buzz before the season that made anybody believe he could be a featured back. Now, he's carried the ball 25 times or more in the last four games.

10. Death Knell (3-6, W1, Previous #12)
Step one of the transformation is complete. Craig is just a game out of the playoff hunt and has a new bad-ass persona. Now all you need is a tattoo that says "Bad Mothereffer" and you'll be a force to be reckoned with, my friend.
BAJINGO - Marvin Harrison. He's faking. I think somebody's just jealous that Reggie Wayne has emerged as the Top Dawg in Indy. (Come to think of it, a "Top Dawg" tattoo would work too, Craig.)
SASQUATCH - Brian Westbrook and T.O. Both ranked #4 in their respective positions. Boy, it's funny how even fantasy offenses click when these two are paired up.

11. Hollidaysburgs MPJ's (2-7, L2, Previous #9)
A two game win streak is now forgotten and Adam's quickly headed back down to his preseason residence.
BAJINGO - Cedric Benson, Hines Ward, Chris Brown, and Jay Cutler. Where the hell did you find these four guys? Oh. You don't say. Traded Peyton Manning for them, did you? I see.
SASQUATCH - Tom Brady. His American-Indian name would be "Lone Bright Spot".

12. Larry Craig Fritzes (1-8, L6, Previous #11)
Maybe it's not luck. Maybe this is your punishment for leaving the live draft early. The fantasy gods despise such behavior.
BAJINGO - Pretty much everybody but Jason Witten.
SASQUATCH - Jason Witten. Second among all tight ends, Witten has scored more points than all of your wide receivers. That's kind of embarrasing.

Week 8 Roundup: Las Bajingas Y Los Sasquatchos

The Chargers-Texans game featured more man-on-man ass rubbing than Kurt's Halloween party!

THE BAJINGOS

1. Chad Johnson - Ocho Cinco has had a great season so far, with the exception of two games. He caught 3 balls for 53 yards against New England earlier in the season, and 5 balls for 51 yards against Pittsburgh yesterday. Good defenses seem to be able to find away to stop Chad from putting on one of his attention seeking stunts. Chris Henry can return to the field in Week 10, which should give Carson another reliable target along with TJ Houshmandzadeh. Add in the rumors swirling in Cincinnati that Chad is telling opposing players and coaches to "get me out of here", meaning Cincy, and I have a feeling that the season is only going to get worse for Johnson. He may get his wish, as it sounds like the team may be considering trading him away after the season.

2. Craig's Lineup - 53.7 points is pretty terrible. The worst part is, he didn't have any significant points on his bench either. I don't know what you're expecting when Trent Edwards is your starting quarterback, but things are getting even worse in Areolaville, who was already #12 in last week's Power Rankings.

3. The Giants Passing Game - Plaxico had scored in the first six games of the season before getting held out of the end zone last week against the 49ers. He's now got a two-game streak going, as the Dolphins held the Giants to just 59 passing yards and zero passing touchdowns at a rainy Wembley Stadium. The Giants are on a bye next week, and then return in Week 10 to kick off a much more difficult second half of their schedule. Given Eli Manning's proclivity for starting the season off hot and then getting progressively crappier, this could be a unit that continues to struggle in the weeks to come.

4. Vince Young - The Titans continue to win behind VY, but he's proving himself not to be the statistical machine some had projected. Young has just three passing touchdowns and six interceptions on the season. He has yet to throw for more than 184 yards in a game, and even the rushing part of his game hasn't come together as expected. He's scrambled for one touchdown, and hasn't gone for more than 53 yards in a game so far.

5. Steve Smith - There doesn't seem to be any middle ground with Smith. He's either the focal point of the offense and racking up double digit fantasy points, or he's getting completely shut down. Yesterday was another shut down game, as he got held to 2 catches for 18 yards. Sure, he's got some lousy quarterbacks getting him the ball, but Carolina's running game should be respectable enough to get Smith some one-on-one looks so he can make something happen after the catch.

THE SASQUATCHES

1. Tom Brady - Last week I bemoaned Tom Brady's lack of running ability. So what does he do? 4 carries, 14 yards, 2 touchdowns. Shut me right up. Brady's obviously the best player on the best team in the NFL, so maybe we need to exclude him from future Sasquatch status. It's a given.

2. Drew Brees to Marques Colston - Brees and Colston torched the 49ers yesterday. Brees had 336 yards and 4 touchdowns, three of which were caught by Colston. Brees has now thrown for 8 touchdowns in the past three games, as the Saints seem to be re-emerging from the ashes once again. Was there another hurricane in New Orleans I didn't hear about? Anyway, New Orleans's resurgence seems to have come just in time for them to make a late playoff push, and if the Eagles can somehow manage to do the same, Week 16 (Eagles at Saints) could have some major implications.

3. Deeeeeeeeee-Fense!!!! - The Chargers scored twice and picked off four passes in putting up 29 fantasy points. The Patriots recovered three fumbles and scored a touchdown and added 23 points. It was a good day to own one of these defenses, as both Shawn and Shelby should be enjoying a win thanks in part to a dominating defensive effort.

4. Antonio Gates - Gates had three catches for 92 yards and a touchdown. The touchdowns couldn't have been easier for him to score. I don't know if it was keying on LT, or watching newly acquired Chris Chambers closer, but Gates was wide open twice on long passes and had a monster day in a blowout over the Texans.

5. Joseph Addai - If the Colts want to win next week's game, Addai will need to have a game every bit as good as he had yesterday. He carried 23 times for 100 yards and two touchdowns, and also took a shovel pass in to the end zone. Assuming Marvin Harrison can go full-speed next week, Addai should have a little less defensive attention focused on him and could be the key to Indy's success in what should be the game of the year.

Week 7 Round-Up: Bajingos And Sasquatches

What happens when you do a Google Image search for Uruk Hai? Well, you get the greatest picture ever taken, that's what.

Well, I left Mikey's item up front and center a little longer this morning because it entailed some terrific news. But now we're done paying attention to him. It's time to divert our A.D.D. to the Week 7 NFL action, which may or may not have contained the game that finally triples the suicide rate in Eastern PA.
I don't have a lot of time for witty intros, so let's jump right into the axshun and see who played like that giant black Sasquatch, and who bitched and whined like that little blond Bajingo.

BAJINGOS

1. Chris Cooley - He struck fear into my heart only a week ago, topping 100 yards on 9 catches, but where did he go yesterday? 1 catch for 3 yards against the fabled Arizona D. Lucky for Dave, he didn't really need the points.
2. Rudi Johnson - 0 carries for 0 yards (out with a bum hammy), while spot-starter Kenny Watson cashed in on the opportunity with 31 carries for 130 yards and 3 short touchdowns. Even if Rudi returns next weekend, he's in for a rough couple of games, as the Bengals take on division rivals Pittsburgh and Baltimore in the next three weeks. In other Matt Melvin-running-back-related news, Ronnie Brown has a knee sprain, and could possibly be done for the year. That's good news for anybody who had previously made a promise to eat a Peanut Butter and Tampon sandwich if Ronnie finished in the Top 10 among running backs this season. Whew!!
3. Marc Bulger - 3 picks, 2 fumbles, 0 touchdowns, 1.1 fantasy points. St. Louis is horrendous this year no matter who they trot out to play quarterback. But I'm sure the long term deal they gave Bulger during training camp is well worth the investment.
4. Jordan's Sunday Starters - Jordan managed only 38 points through Sunday's game, highlighted most notably by Patrick Crayton's -0.6 point peformance. I TOLD you that guy sucks. It just took him longer than I expected to prove it. Anyway, Neil Rackers put up a -1, the Eagles D added only 3 points, and first round pick Shaun Alexander was good for only 7.1 points. The crazy part? With Manning and Reggie Wayne still to go, even though Jordan's down by 68 points, he's still got some hope tonight.
5. Pennsylvania - Non-fantasy item here, but both the Eagles and Steelers would have won if NFL games were 59 minutes and 50 seconds long instead of 60 minutes.

SASQUATCHES

1. Boston - The Patriots are too damn good, and the Red Sox are too damn lucky. Mike's right, these are the most annoying fans currently on the planet. Tom Brady had another 55 point day, and Wes Welker and Randy Moss are the greatest wide receiver tandem since Rice and Taylor.
2. Earnest Graham - This guy might be the best free agent pickup of the year. With Michael Bennett getting traded to the Bucs last week, some of the talk seemed to suggest that Graham could lose some work. All this talk seemed to have motivated Earnest, who carried 19 times for 92 yards, and caught 13 passes for 99 more yards.
3. Houston's Passing Game - Led by legendary NFL quarterback Sage Rosenfels, the Texans scored 4 times in the fourth quarter through the air, connecting with Andre Davis and Kevin Walter, who were both in Rich and my lineups this weekend. The Texans could be airing it out even more as it sounds like Andre Johnson should be ready to come back any time now.
4. L. Coles - I don't like spelling his entire first name, but L. Coles had himself a monster game, pulling in 8 passes for 133 yards and 2 touchdowns against the Cincinnati defense on Sunday. A good strategy seems to be to start anybody playing the Bengals defense this season. More details on this revolutionary strategy as they become available...
5. Our Boy Mikey - Aww shucks, I'm sentimental. It seems like just yesterday I dropped down on the knee to ask Angiecakes to marry me, and Mike seems to have secured himself a win yesterday, so let's give Mr. Walbert the old Sasquatch award. Ike Hilliard, Anquan Boldin, Marshawn Lynch all seemed to play inspired football after hearing about their fearless leader's plunge towards matrimony. And look at it this way Mike, if you win the league, you'll only have another 95% of that ring left to pay off!!!

Week 6 Round-Up: Bajingos and Sasquatches

ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?! ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?!?!?!?! IS THIS NOT WHY YOU ARE HERE?!?!

Excuse me if I giggle like a roofied-up cheerleader through most of this post, because as we all know, pride most certainly comes before a fall. However, I can't help but think that the lemon squares with the cryptic note: "It's Deewaan Week. At My Signal, Unleash Hell" that I sent to all my players didn't have a profound effect on the Week 6 NFL landscape.
Several other fantasy teams played well despite the 6 NFL teams on bye this week, along with the never-ending carnage of injuries that has left the quality quarterback pool more decimated than the Barbarian Horde.
Indeed, it was a landmark day for this blogger's favorite whipping boy, Adam Davis, who rode the Ravens D, Tom Brady, and a few other warm bodies to his first victory of the year. Congratulations, Adam.
It was also a good day to be 4-1, as Aaron, Paul and Shawn will all improve to 5-1 after the dust settles on Week 6 tonight. Jordan was not as fortunate, falling to Rich's late-blooming team of juggernaut killbots.

But enough with intros, let's break down some game tape, Jaworski-style, and see who rose up, and played like Maximus, and who cowered in the shadows, and played like Commodus.

BAJINGOS

1. Sammy Morris, Marion Barber III, Julius Jones - Super Bowl XLI-I/II, as it was dubbed by Profootballtalk.com, was the barnburner everybody expected it to be. However, it was dominated by the passing game, with little being done on the ground. Sammy Morris ran 10 times for just 14 yards, and Julius Jones (51 yards) and Marion Barber (47 yards) just didn't have enough opportunities to make a difference in this game, despite their combined 7 yards per carry.
2. Marques Colston - Yes, he had a touchdown, but it was a 2 yard catch, which also happened to be his only one of the day. At a time when Drew Brees finally started clicking (25/36, 246 yds, 2 TDs), it's somewhat surprising to see him and Colston only hook up on one play.
3. Brett Favre - Although he's mostly on this list because I just dislike him, Favre also had a pretty lousy game against the Redskins, tossing for 188 yards and 2 interceptions. Mr. Favre also gets a Lifetime Achievement Bajingo today, for breaking the career interceptions record, despite every member of the media telling us that he's the best quarterback ever to play the game ever ever. However, he does advertise Wrangler jeans, which i find to be both comfortable, and a great bargain.
4. The Ball Maulers - The Boys of Bisbee are on the ropes after another loss to a previously winless franchise. Starting guys like Justin "Fargalicious" Fargas, Aaron Stecker, Jerry Porter doesn't help the cause, Santana Moss's -1.9 point day makes things even worse. Those four combined for a whopping 6.3 points yesterday.
5. Chester Taylor - Taylor had a good day. He rushed for 83 yards on 22 carries. He put up 10.2 fantasy points, even though Adam didn't start him. So his inclusion on this list may be surprising. But here's the thing...he carried 22 times!!! Step aside Chester, and let Purple Jesus fulfill his destiny by carrying the ball 42 times a game.

SASQUATCHES

1. LaDanian Tomlinson - Last week I bemoaned the Chargers scoring 41 points, and have none of them punched in by LT. This week, all 4 San Diego TDs were registered by the reigning MVP. Good to have you back. Having him playing at top speed again is like finding 100 bucks in an old pair of jeans. You had it all along, you just never knew it.
2. Braylon Edwards and Derek Anderson - I'll be the first to admit I was unsure about Braylon Edwards after drafting him this year. He seems like a lazy player, and I was less than thrilled with the Charlie Frye/Derek Anderson/Brady Quinn maelstrom at quarterback. However, Anderson and Edwards make such the fab team!!! Edwards now has 7 touchdowns on the year, putting him one behind Randy Moss for the NFL lead. Anderson also appears to have a firm grip on the starting QB job, letting Brady Quinn learn from the sidelines, which is what Cleveland really wanted for this year anyway.
3. Chris Cooley - Everytime I checked Fantasycast during the early games, Chris Cooley was there, flashing yellow, adding more points to his score. Cooley had 9 catches for 105 and a TD, and is definitely the most dynamic receiving threat that the Redskins have this year.
4. Tony Gonzalez - Not to be outdone, Gonzo put up 9 catches, 102 yards, and 2 touchdowns, breaking the all time record for most touchdowns by a tight end in NFL history. I didn't hear who the previous record holder was, but I'm guessing it's either Mike Bartrum or Shannon Sharpe, who is the reason this blogger once wore number 84 during his playing days as a multi-talented (read: blocking specialist) tight end.
5. Brady's Bunch!! TeeHee!! I came up with that all by myself!!!! - Tom Brady and his receivers put on a serious show yesterday, with Wes Welker emerging as the top beneficiary. All told, the trio of Moss, Welker, and Stallworth accounted for 5 touchdowns on 319 receiving yards. Just an unbelievable passing attack. There is no team in the NFL that has the cornerbacks to stop these guys. In all honesty, you really need 4 lockdown cornerbacks...2 for Moss, 1 for Welker, 1 for Stallworth. The only time they might face a team with 4 good corners is in the Pro Bowl, against the NFC all-stars. Unreal.

Bonus Sasquatch: Maurice Jones-Drew, who despite playing for a team who may or may not actually exist, does indeed have quite the strong pimp hand.

Well there you have it. I sucessfully managed to run down the Week 6 action without releasing my DNA all over the keyboard. And for that, I'm the biggest Sasquatch of them all.

Monday Site News: Sleepy Kitten Edition

Cute!! Super Cute!!!!!!!!!!!!

Site News:

Today is Monday morning. You're used to seeing hard-hitting-double-teaming-bloggery from Mike and I. Like that first sip of coffee during the work week, you crave it. You need it. You're not sure you can start the day without it.

But you're not getting it this week.

I had to work from 12-8 yesterday, which is unequivocably my favorite 8 hour window in the entire week. Normally I'd be glued to both the TV and the Fantasycast, checking up on all the fantasy comings and goings, preparing myself to bang out one hell of a "Bajingos and Sasquatches" column. Instead, I was sneaking away to my Prius every thirty minutes to try to catch game updates on AM radio, while ducking stray gunfire in West Philadelphia. Needless to say, these two experiences are not all that similar. I caught maybe 10 minutes of the Bears-Packers game when I got home, but all in all, I missed the entirety of Sunday's action.
All hope is not lost, however, as I'll have a Photo Finishes column up today, previewing the Dallas-Buffalo game (read: blowout) tonight.

Also, there's no MMSY today. If you all ask nicely, there may be one next week.

But hey, at least you get to look at an adorable kitten.

Round-Up: Week 4 Bajingos and Sasquatches

Santonio Holmes led all wide receivers on Sunday with 27.3 points.

OK, Mikey touched on it, Deewaan expanded on it, but let's shoot from the hip here. This was a gawd-awful Pennsylvania futbol weekend. It's bad enough that Penn State lost, but having to watch the ESPN game tracker to find out what's going on is primitive and excruciating. I hate this Big Ten Network with every fiber of my body. While Penn State is playing the meat of their schedule, Comcast Cable shows me games like "Akron-Connecticut", "Temple-Army", "Northern Illinois-Central Michigan", and of course, "Villanova-James Madison". This is a freaking joke. I enjoy nothing more than laying on the couch and watching football, but even I can't justify watching that crap.
So that's Saturday. Sunday rolled around, and while the Eagles-Giants was technically on television, I'm not sure I actually watched it. What I watched was a Donovan McNabb snuff film shot in High Def. This is (with the bizarrely notable exception of Week 3), the most excruciating team to watch in the NFL. Three out of their four games have been impossible to watch with any sense of excitement. The highest my blood pressure got all game was when Reno Mahe fumbled a punt. Thank you, Reno, you may now return to your job as a bus boy at Chickie's and Pete's. Awful.
Sidenote: Pittsburgh-Arizona wasn't necessarily an unentertaining game, but I had some severe nausea going from power-smoking my NL East Division Champion victory cigar and watched most of the game with a pillow over my head.
Ah yes, the Phillies. Glad I mentioned them. This was really the one bright spot of the weekend. I know earlier in the season I said that once the NFL kicked off, it was football season. I know I said the Phils would finish four games out. But I need something else other than NFL in my life right now. This playoff run is coming at a great time. Bring on the Colo-diego Rock-dres!!! (Stupid cell phone commercials, now you've got me doing it.)

BAJINGOS

1. Matt Leinart - Watching this game as a Cardinals fan must have been rough. They bench Leinart, bring Warner in. Warner gets them the lead, so they bring Leinart back in. Leinart gets banged up, so they bring Warner back in. Leinart shakes it off, so they bring Leinart back in. Where am I going with this? Ah yes. Matt Leinart stinks in real life and definitely stinks in fantasy life.
2. Jeff Wilkins - Thanks for the negative point, asspenis.
3. Philip Rivers - 211 passing yards, but also had numerous turnovers that you can see on your favorite NFL highlights show. The net result was 4.1 fantasy points, and 2.1 of those were from completed passes. Ugly game. Ugly team in general. Bad coach, lame QB, underachieving defense, stupid new uniforms.
4. Craigger's Set It and Forget It Receivers - Javon Walker didn't play, T.O. only managed 3 catches for 33 yards in a bloodbath over the Rams, and Marvin Harrison dinged up his knee, leaving him with just one catch for eight yards. On the bright side, Bobby Engram caught a touchdown.
5. Steve Smith - A Bajingo two weeks in a row. 5 catches for 32 yards, and he may be playing with David Carr for the forseeable future. Not what I had in mind when I drafted the guy.

SASQUATCHES

1. Tony Romo - Holy crap, son. This guy has been unbelievable all year long, and although I hate complimenting Cowboys, he has definitely made them the team to beat. I liked him better when we all thought that bobbled snap would break his fragile psyche and he'd be horrendous.
2. Dallas Clark/Jason Witten - The Melvin-Fidler battle royale is coming down to the wire, and two of the reasons why are the tight ends. Dallas reeled in 2 TDs and 76 yards, Witten had 71 yards and a score of his own.
3. Jerry Porter - Wait a minute? This is the guy I just traded away for Wes Welker and a pair of gym socks? The guy I was ecstatic about including in any trade package just so I could show him the door? He had two touchdowns? Really????? Ugh. That may be the record for quickest trade-regret in fantasy history.
4. Peyton Manning - A solid day against a tough defense. 193 yards, 3 passing touchdowns, and a rushing touchdown. Sidenote: Cadillac Williams tore his patella tendon yesterday, Adam, so be thankful we didn't let you trade Manning for him. I can guarantee you'd be upset about that one today.
5. LaDainian - I think he's back on track. 132 rushing yards and a touchdown. As Peter King points out in his column though, 112 of those yards were in the first half. With the game still in question until late in the fourth, you're telling me you couldn't have come up with a few more plays for the reigning MVP? Still, I'll gladly take this over his last three weeks. Good game, little buddy.

Round-Up: Week 3 Bajingos and Sasquatches

The pretty new jerseys make us forget that Donovan is a lousy black quarterback for a week.

.
It's MONDAY!! That means hard hitting double blog postage from the Tag Team Champions of the Interweb, Mikey and Jonny. I'm admittedly in higher spirits today after an Eagles 2004-esque thrashing of the Motor City Kitties. However, not everyone in the NFL played as well as the Birds. Let's find them, point at them, and then laugh!

.
BAJINGOS

.
1. Steve Smith - Don't taze me, bro!!! Don't taze me!!! I was halfway done making a shrine to you in my computer room and you pull this crap?! I called you Keanu Reeves last week!! You know how badass that is? Instead, you hauled in 1 ball for 10 yards. You were Keanu Reeves, alright. Keanu Reeves in "The Lakehouse". What a douchetastic douche.
2. Marc Bulger - Negative 0.3 points? Really? Don't worry, Shelby, your backup only put up...let's see here...oh. 38 Points. Whoops.
3. Starting the Wrong White Guys - I just noticed this yesterday, but Shelby can trot out the unprecedented Three White Receiver offense at any time this year. He started two of the caucasians yesterday, Brandon Stokely and Joe Jurevicius. The one he kept on the bench? Kevin Curtis. Yikes. Strike two, Fidler.
4. Pardon Me Sir, Your Lee Evans Is Broken - Lee Evans is a serious candidate for Bust of the Year. Through three games, the breakout season of Lee Evans looks as follows: 5 catches for 29 yards. He also had an ugly temper tantrum on the field in last week's game against the Steelers that led to back to back penalties. Couple all this with news that JP Losman could be out indefinitely with a knee sprain, and there's really no redeeming qualities to Evans right now.
5. Rudi Johnson - Sure the 9 yards on 17 carries is atrocious, but the real story here is that with a little more effort out of Rudi, Melvin could have hit the 200 point mark. All of Melvin's other players (with the exception of Akers) scored in double digits.

.
SASQUATCHES

.
1. Anquan Boldin - Q put up a monster stat line, with most of the damage coming once Matt Leinart was benched in favor of Kurt Warner. 14 catches, 181 yards, 2 TDs. Dayum. Unfortunately, Leinart is expected to get the nod next week.
2. Ronnie Brown - The man I love to hate was a Sasquatch this week, plain and simple. 112 rushing yards, 99 receiving yards, 2 rushing touchdowns, 1 receiving touchdown. That's unbelievable production, and should finally put to bed any talk of the timeshare with Jesse Chatman down in Miami.
3. Philip Rivers - Slimmy's "weak link" (my words in last week's column) sure didn't play like one. Against a Green Bay defense that had befuddled Donovan McNabb and Eli Manning in the first two weeks of the season, Rivers had a 306 yard, 3 touchdown day. The guy we told him he couldn't have, Peyton Manning, put up a mere 18 fantasy points. Karma pisses in our Cheerios once again.
4. That Guy Who's Banging That Model - Tom Brady had another unbelievable fantasy performance, posting 311 yards and 4 touchdowns (2 to Randy Moss). And for a change, he was actually in Adam's starting lineup. This change may well have earned Adam his first win of the season, but more on that later.
5. Five - Donovan McNabb silenced his critics (for a few days anyway), with a 381 yard, 4 touchdown performance. He was helped out by the receiving heroics of Kevin Curtis (3 touchdowns) and Brian Westbrook (1 receiving, 2 rushing), who pulled a move that warranted several DVR rewinds. But for once this season, it finally looked like McNabb is capable of playing at a high level when the pressure is on. Good to have you back, Donovan.

Round-Up: Week 2 Bajingos and Sasquatches

Not pictured: Defense.

Here it is, your weekly-double dose of Monday Morning bloggery. Mike has posted his concession speech below, but here's my take on the goings-on around the league yesterday. Without any further ado, here's Week 2's edition of Bajingos and Sasquatches.

Bajingos

1. Rich's Lineup!! - What the blood clot?! 60.7 points? You get 0.1 points for a completed pass, and a rushing attempt!! This is like scoring a 550 on the SATs when you get 400 points just for correctly spelling your name on the Scantron form. Richard, what's happening to us?!! I had you at number 1 overall in the preseason, but it looks like you'll be getting to know your neighbor in the basement, Adam.
2. Adam's Running Backs - Earlier in the week I posed the question if Adam's lineup of Musa Smith and Chester Taylor was the worst non-bye-week impacted starting running back tandem in fantasy history. If it wasn't, I'd be surprised. A huge heaping steaming 1.5 points between Jamal Lewis's former understudies.
3. Picks 1 through 3 of the Fantasy Draft - LT, S-Jax, and LJ combined for 29.5 points. Not the kind of production one would expect for the so called sure things in the draft. At least LT and LJ can say they played a stout defense though. What's with Jackson only racking up 60 yards on 21 carries against the Niners D?
4. Shifty Sophomores - Reggie Bush and Maurice Jones-Drew may be hitting a little bit of a sophomore slump (sorry to pick on your team twice, Rich). Both guys were supposed to be monsters with a year of experience under their belt, now neither looks like they want to claim the number 1 spot in the backfield rotation. Seize the day, gentlemen!!
5. Harrison and Wayne - When you own either of the Colts Pro Bowl receivers, and you see Tennessee on the schedule, you're expecting at least 1 TD a piece out of your guys. Maybe I'm being unfairly harsh here, both guys had over 70 yards, but I think given the circumstances, both Marvin and Reggie came up small.
.

Sasquatches
.

1. Ohio! - Cleveland and Cincinnati played a flag football game yesterday, with Cleveland getting the win 51-45. What the heck happened here? Derek Anderson put up 5 touchdowns, Jamal Lewis ripped off a 60+ yard touchdown, and the much-maligned Braylon Edwards reeled in 8 balls for a buck-forty-six and two scores. On the flip side, Carson Palmer tossed six touchdowns of his own, Rudi Johnson went over the hundred yard mark and caught a touchdown, and TJ and CJ each caught two touchdowns. Absolutely ridiculous game.
2. Melvin's Receivers - Each of Deion Branch, Chris Chambers, and Roy Williams went over 100 yards, and Roy grabbed a touchdown early in the Lions-Vikings game. Branch, who was a no show (and a Bajingo) just a week ago, caught seven passes for 122 yards. That's more like it, Deion.
3. Tampa Bay Buccaneers - Cadillac Williams ran for two scores, and Joey Galloway caught two more in a game I'm absolutely certain none of us actually watched.
4. Randy Moss - Tom Brady spreads the ball out!! The Patriots don't rely on one guy!! Nobody could catch ten touchdowns in that offense!! Baloney!! Randy Moss upgrading from Aaron Brooks to Tom Brady is the exact spark he needed to become the game's most dangerous receiver again. Unless of course, number 5 has something to say about it...
5. Steve Smith Pulls A Keanu Reeves - Remember in the second Matrix movie, when Neo's fighting all the Agent Smiths, and all the Agent Smiths finally start pinning him down and it looks like they'll finally kick the crap out of him, but then Neo gets really mad and has a violent explosion and all the Agent Smiths go flying off into the air? You remember that? That was awesome. Well, watch Steve Smith's third touchdown against the Texans yesterday and tell me he wasn't watching Matrix Reloaded right before the game started. Just an awesome bitchslapping of the defense. Unreal.

Round-Up: Week 1 Bajingos and Sasquatches

Apparently, NBC is very comfortable with the thought of gay interracial marriage.

.

Not to step on Mike's post, but it is Monday morning, and my readers need a major football fix. So dig in, fatties!! Suckle from my journalistic teat! Today I offer you Bajingos and Sasquatches. Most fantasy websites call this column 'Studs and Duds'. Well, I think that's gay. Just because the two rhyme doesn't mean they're appropriate titles to place on people. In my world, you're either a sweaty steaming bajingo, or you're a musclebound, hairy sasquatch. Let's see who's who!!

.Bajingos

1. Deewaan’s Running Backs – Thomas Jones and Steven Jackson combined for 8.6 points, on 100 total rushing yards. The No. 2 pick managed just 3 measly fantasy points in an opening day loss. Not exactly what Dave had in mind. Sweet commercial though.
2. Deion Branch – 0 catches, 0 yards, 0 airport blumpkins, 0 sweet commercials. Rough day.
3. Adam’s Running Backs – This is why you grab a running back in the first two rounds. Chunk and Sloth combined for 4.1 points and could cost Adam his Week 1 matchup with Hussein.
4. Philip Rivers – Even when the Chargers throw touchdowns, it’s LT who gets the points, not Rivers. He had an extremely tough matchup against the voracious Chicago D, but Rivers had a tough time getting anything going.
5. Everyone On Rich’s Team Who’s Not Dating Carrie Underwood – Lee Evans, 2 catches for 5 yards? Tony Gonzalez, 3 points? Maroney only getting 9 points in a Patriots bloodbath? Hell, even THE Vincent Jackson dropped a touchdown pass, and got stopped short at the 1 yard line on a nice red zone catch.

Sasquatches

1. Seemingly Everyone Involved In The Sunday Night Football Game – The stats here are eye-popping. Unfortunately, I couldn’t watch any more football by the time this game came on; my eyes were literally popping out of my skull. Sounds like a barnburner though.
2. Randy Moss – Contradictory to my colleague, Mr. Walbert, I’ll be the first to applaud Randy on a phenomenal performance. Nine catches for a buck-eighty-three? Who wouldn’t take that? He’s baaaack!
3. Adam’s Quarterbacks – Normally you’d be thrilled to get 65 points out of your top two draft picks. Unfortunately, if you’re Adam, one of them was sitting on the bench. The worst draft strategy in human history only needed 1 game to prove how stupid it was. Truly idiotic.
4. Hefty’s Hot Rooks!!! – I drafted Marshawn Lynch and Adrian Peterson hoping that one of them would develop into a solid number 2 back. I didn’t expect both of them to pan out, but after yesterday’s performances, it looks like they’ll both be getting the bulk of the carries and ripping off a lot of yards. Both backs got 19 carries, as opposed to the veteran backup (Anthony Thomas, Chester Taylor) getting only 3. That’s a good sign.
5. The Detroit Lions – Jon Kitna, Tatum Bell, Calvin Johnson, Roy Williams all found the end zone, and this offense seemed to be clicking all day. I say seem to, because there’s no way I would have actually watched that steaming dog turd of a game.