The Tonys: Week 6

"Insert funny caption here!!"

Well, week 6 is in the books. It's time to hand out some hardware. Winners this week should pick up their trophies (pictured above) at my house. I'm making chili this weekend, so stay for a while. Please. I'm lonely.

Craig def. Shelby - And the Tony goes to Marion Barber. The dreadlocked wonder singlehandedly put the Cowboys on his back late in the game against the Cards. Unfortunately for Dallas, overtime consisted of a broken finger, a broken foot and a blocked punt for a TD. Fortunately for me, Barber's 70-plus yard TD reception netted me 16.5 points on one play and ended Shelby's sham of an unbeaten streak. NOTE: Play your first round pick no matter what!!

Shawn def. Mike - And the Tony goes to Steve Breaston. This waiver wire pick-up by Shawn scored 21 points from the 3rd WR slot while filling in admirably for the injured Anquan Boldin on the Cardinals. Breaston also helped Shawn squeak by Mike, who lost yet again while going over 100 points.

Hefty def. Aaron - And the Tony goes to Tony Romo!! How funny!! Romo's 35 points kept this one well out of reach of Aaron's best efforts and helped Hefty score the most points for the second week in a row. The namesake notches his first weekly award (Namesake - also a decent movie featuring our very own blog-throb, Kal Penn).

Melvin def. Rich - And the Tony goes to Matt Forte. The rook set the tone for the Poopyheads as they had even scoring across the board. He's been a solid performer all year and is actually the 4th highest scoring RB in our league. Consistency as running back is a major reason Melvin is steamrolling the competition.

Dave def. Jordan - And the Tony goes to Philip Rivers. Dave's team gets its first Tony winner, congrats!! Rivers put up a monster 33 points against the fading Patriots to lift Dave from the ranks of the defeated. It'd be nice if you stayed around for a while.

Adam def. Jonesy - And the Tony goes to MoJo Drew. Adam's "other" running back finally broke out with a beast of a game. Jones-Drew totted the rock for a cool 125 yards and two scores, including a 46 yard TD scamper. He's likely to continue his roll against the Browns in week 8.

I Got Nothin

Luckily though, my good friend Jim Gaffigan does.

Have a good weekend and good luck to everyone but Rich!!!

Week 6 Power Rankings

Professor Edmund G. Hefty crunches the numbers and unveils his latest set of rankings.

This is getting tougher from week to week. There is a major power struggle going on at the top of the board, with 6 teams at a 4-2 or 5-1 record. The bottom half of the picture isn't any clearer. The other 6 teams are 1-5 or 2-4. One thing's for sure: if you're in the top 6 this week, it would take a New York Mets-like meltdown to miss the playoffs at this point. And if you're in the bottom six, you need to start making some moves, whether it's making a smart trade, some savvy lineup decisions, or a waiver-wire pickup. The clock is ticking on your season!! Make your move now!!!

On to the rankings.

1. Hawaii McLovin (5-1, W4, Previous #2)
Larry Johnson seems to be getting back on track, last week's 12 yard day notwithstanding. Clinton Portis has answered the questions at the beginning of the season as to whether he'd be overshadowed by Ladell Betts. Jason Campbell has been steady but unspectacular. And the Ambigiously Gay Duo of TJ Houshmandzadeh and Chad Johnson has risen to the occasion, and they currently rank 5th and 6th in our league's scoring.

2. Chicago Bear Grylls (4-2, W1, Previous #4)
Here's the core of my team and their positional rankings: Carson Palmer (4th), LaDainian Tomlinson (1st), Adrian Peterson (3rd), Steve Smith (3rd), Braylon Edwards (4th), Wes Welker (13th). Will it last? Absolutely 100% not. That's why I need to point it out now while I still can. Anyway, if I can offer a condolence to the rest of you, it's this: my success with picking Peterson this year only ensures that I reach for Darren McFadden three rounds too early next year. So, look forward to that.

3. License To Kim Jong Il (4-2, L1, Previous #1)
I'll cut Jordan some slack. I'm guessing not many teams with Peyton Manning and Reggie Wayne won last week, with the Colts on a bye. The super-fun surprise of the season for Jordan has to be the sexy play of Marion Barber, who despite a lousy game Sunday is still the 8th ranked back. The super-crappy surprise for Jordan has to be the sinking stock of Shaun Alexander, who has looked lost the last two weeks without Mack Strong laying bitches out.

4. The Canadian Cripplers (5-1, W2, Previous #3)
I'll be honest, I just can't take any team being led into battle by Joey Harrington seriously. Should I be so brazen as to suggest a trade for a division rival? I shall.
Why not trade one of your bench running backs, like Derrick Ward (whose stock just dropped with the return of Brandon Jacobs) or Deshawn Wynn, or even one of your receivers, like 2 time Chumley recipient Joey Galloway, for a quarterback? Both Delaware and Bisbee could probably part with a quarterback (Roethlisberger, Derek Anderson), and they're dying for help at other positions.

5. Team LymEZ-DizEEEEzz NutZZZ!!!! (5-1, W3, Previous #5)
Aaron, I know it seems like I'm always underranking your team. I apologize. I'm checking out your lineup and it's actually very impressive. Despite not putting up massive amounts of points, you're getting the job done. Even your bench is really a strong group. It's well put together.
While I'm apologizing to you, I'd also like to publicly say I'm sorry for taking so many videos of you when you were nude or partially nude back in Nittany Apts. Looking back at most of my casette tapes, about 70% of the footage I have is of you in some state of undress. The other 30% is animals at the zoo and Josh Colegrove talking about surfing. I don't really know what to say. I was trying to figure out some things back then: Civil or Mechanical Engineering, Chevy Blazer or Dodge Durango, Chicks or Dudes, Playstation 2 or X-Box...anyway, I'm sorry man.

6. Jabroc Junk Jabbers (4-2, W4, Previous #6)
If I were you, I'd start JP Losman over Tony Romo this week. Sure Tony Romo is pissed off and looking for revenge against a defense that allowed Brian Griese to throw 3 touchdowns last Sunday. And sure, technically JP Losman isn't "in the starting lineup." But the Buffalo defense is vicious, and Trent Edwards could get knocked out of the game, only to have Losman come in and throw seven touchdowns. And then you'd feel really stupid.

7. Larry Craig Fritzs (1-5, L3, Previously #7)
Last week would have been a really good time to trade Ronnie Brown. Now he's playing on an 0-6 team that just traded away their best receiver for a second round pick. Look, I'm not saying that a team that starts Cleo Lemon, Marty Booker and Ted Ginn Jr. is no threat to throw the ball effectively, but...yeah. That's exactly what I'm saying. If Ronnie Brown finishes the season ranked in the top 10 (he's currently 2nd) among running backs, I'll eat a Peanut Butter and Tampon sandwich and put the video on YouTube.

8. Pocket T-Bags (2-4, L2, Previously #8)
If I had to put my money on a 2-4 team making the playoffs, it would definitely be Shelby, if only for the fact that most of you would give your foreskin for Edgerrin James and Joe Addai in the backfield. Also, Dallas Clark has been a pleasant surprise, hasn't he? In my keeper/salary cap league this week I traded him and Lee Evans for Eli Manning. I have Tony Gonzalez, so I could do without Clark, and my QB situation was getting dismal (VY and Culpepper). Whatever, you don't care about my other league.

9. Bisbee Ball Maulers (2-4, L2, Previously #9)
I thought long and hard (that's what she said) about who was more deserving of the #9 spot, Mike or Craig. In the end, I like Mike's QB/RB situation better, I like the fact that Mike's got some trade chips (the aforementioned Derek Anderson), and he won't have to deal with T.O.'s crybaby meltdown that's coming after they lose to the Eagles in Week 9 and he gets caught on national TV slapping Wade Phillips right in the manboob.

10. Hairy Areolas (2-4, L3, Previously #10)
The Kurt Warner Era ends!! Boy, that was fun!

11. Holidaysburg's MichaelPJackson (1-5, W1, Previously #12)
Oh snap! A.D.'s on the warpath! Maybe not yet, but it's nice to get out of twelfth, isn't it? Say this about Adam, he's got the best player in the NFL on his team, and that's always a good ace in the hole. The rest of the team is still shallow, the only real trade chips that jump out to me are one of his defenses, but there's at least a glimmer of hope here with Brady.
Now, when you sit down to draft next season, I want you to ask yourself this: "What would my record have been if I took Brian Westbrook in Round 1 (who went one pick later), Tom Brady in Round 2, and anybody but the Ravens defense in Round 4?" Then print your spreadsheet out, take it with you into the bathroom, and wipe your ass with it. Then, and only then, will you be truly ready to draft.

12. Delaware Ding Dong Danglers (1-5, L1, Previously #11)
Get.
Your.
Shit.
Together.
Do you know how embarassing it will be when I have to have the following conversation with my friends????
"Hey guys, this is my best man, Dave. He had the worst team in our fantasy league last year. I know, lame right? Yeah. Super lame. But at least he's got some dynamite nipples."
Then I slap you on the ass and we crash the Father-Daughter dance with a risque Tango that we'd been practicing for weeks, and most "traditional" guests just aren't ready to see. That's when they find out that the tuxedos I ordered weren't real tuxedos, but latex body paint.

Your complaints are welcome in the comments section, as usual.

Week 6 Chumleys: The Mucus Queen Is Yours!

The NFL hasn't seen a neck like that since Merton Hanks roamed the 49ers secondary.

Ah Week 6, we hardly knew ye. It was definitely my favorite football weekend of the young season, with PSU, the Eagles, and both my fantasy teams notching wins. But alas, all good things come to an end. Let's take one last look back and see who's worthy of some well-earned hardware.

Game 1: Shawn def. Craig - And the Chumley goes to...
Joey Galloway, WR, TB - If you had asked me before the season to name some potential 2-time Chumley award winners, I would have given you about 200 other names before I got to Galloway. But now, here in week 6, Galloway has pulled himself into the drivers seat in this MVP race. Joey helped his case on Sunday with a 4 catch, 97 yard, 1 touchdown day to lead all of Shawn's scorers with 18.8 points.

Game 2: Hefty def. Deewaan - And the Chumley goes to...
Adrian Peterson, RB, Min - The rest of the internet seems to be giving this guy his proper ball washing (scroll down to 'Should Peterson Have Been No. 1?' post on that last link), so I'd better get my licks in before it's too late. While I still think it's more likely that he'll get tragically injured before he ever has a game like that again, Peterson was unbelievably good against a Bears defense that, while a little banged up, is still one of the elite defenses in the NFL. His first touchdown run looked like something out of Tecmo Super Bowl, and the other two weren't so bad either. Anyway, Adrian gets the slight nod over Tomlinson and Braylon Edwards this week, and hopefully it won't be his last.

Game 3: Adam def. Shelby - And the Chumley goes to...
Tom Brady, QB, NE - He partially gets the nod due to beating the Cowboys, ending the media-grope-fest that was going on over Tony Romo and Dallas for the past 5 weeks. He also partially gets the nod for playing the best 60 minutes of quarterbacking anybody's slapped together this season (even better than Carson Palmer's 6-touchdown Week 2). 388 yards. 5 TDs. No interceptions. Unbelievable. He kept everybody involved in the offense, going from one star wideout to the next. It was a wildly entertaining game that lived up to the massive hype, and Brady had a lot to do with that.

Game 4: Aaron def. Melvin - And the Chumley goes to...
Donte' Stallworth, WR, NE - Donte' was largely excluded from the Patriots passing game the first 5 weeks of the season, catching no more than 4 balls in any of those games. Well on Sunday, he broke out with 7 catches for 136 yards and a touchdown.
Excuse me for being pessimistic about the Eagles after a win, but would it really have killed us to try to work out a contract extension with this guy? If you wanted Kevin Curtis, that's okay, we still could have taken him, too. Curtis, Stallworth and Reggie Brown would have given us another major weapon to add to our offense which has been comatose in 4 out of 5 games this season. Just frustrating.

Game 5: Rich def. Jordan - And the Chumley goes to...
Tony Gonzalez, TE, KC - Gonzalez has scored over 10 fantasy points in the last four weeks, and now has just 5 points less than Jason Witten, the player he was traded for in our league before the season started. Gonzalez is benefitting from improved play in two out of the past three weeks from Larry Johnson, and the emergence of rookie Dwayne Bowe into the offense as a legitimate threat. The Chiefs are playing better offensively than I would have expected this year, and Gonzalez is showing that he's still one of the best tight ends in the league.

Game 6: Paul def. Mike - And the Chumley goes to...
TJ Houshmandzadeh, WR, Cin - I almost awarded this Chumley to Matt Stover for his 5/5 field goal, 18 point fantasy performance against St. Louis. But ultimately, TJ played well in a comeback rally that fell short (read: garbage time) against the Chiefs. He put up 8 catches for 145 yards and two touchdowns. TJ has caught at least 8 passes in all five of the Bengals games so far, and is second in the NFL in receptions (47) to only Derrick Mason (49), who has played one more game than Housh has.

One more thing...after my 212 point week, I'm feeling extremely generous. I feel like giving you all a gift that has blessed my life in oh so many ways.

Dearest readers, I give you, The Werewolf Bar Mitzvah. If you don't laugh at this, I don't ever want you coming back to A Little Slap And Pickle!! It's not for you.

Week 6 Photo Finishes: Rose Ceremony Edition!

This game has no bearing on your fantasy team. Go watch the Bachelor with a loved one.

So, as you may have noticed, this is a snoozer of a Monday Night game. The Giants and Falcons have one respectable fantasy player between the two of them, and that's Plaxico Burress. Having said that, all of our league's games are decided. So really, don't watch this game. But if the allure of NFL football on a weekday does suck you in, at least you get to root against the Giants. Here are some more productive ways to spend your evening.

1. Lay your outfit out for work tomorrow.
2. Hit the gym, you flabby pile of goo.
3. Watch Indians-Red Sox Game 3.
4. Volunteer at a soup kitchen.
5. Put the finishing touches on your Cal Naughton Jr. Halloween costume.
6. Carve a pumpkin! Give it a spooky face!!! Not too spooky!!!
7. Eat a pumpkin muffin from Dunkin Donuts. Then go hit the gym again.
8. Really, anything but this.

So there you have it. Enjoy your Monday Night without the stress and agony of watching millionaires decide the fate of our 200 dollar "jackpot".

Week 6 Round-Up: Bajingos and Sasquatches

ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?! ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?!?!?!?! IS THIS NOT WHY YOU ARE HERE?!?!

Excuse me if I giggle like a roofied-up cheerleader through most of this post, because as we all know, pride most certainly comes before a fall. However, I can't help but think that the lemon squares with the cryptic note: "It's Deewaan Week. At My Signal, Unleash Hell" that I sent to all my players didn't have a profound effect on the Week 6 NFL landscape.
Several other fantasy teams played well despite the 6 NFL teams on bye this week, along with the never-ending carnage of injuries that has left the quality quarterback pool more decimated than the Barbarian Horde.
Indeed, it was a landmark day for this blogger's favorite whipping boy, Adam Davis, who rode the Ravens D, Tom Brady, and a few other warm bodies to his first victory of the year. Congratulations, Adam.
It was also a good day to be 4-1, as Aaron, Paul and Shawn will all improve to 5-1 after the dust settles on Week 6 tonight. Jordan was not as fortunate, falling to Rich's late-blooming team of juggernaut killbots.

But enough with intros, let's break down some game tape, Jaworski-style, and see who rose up, and played like Maximus, and who cowered in the shadows, and played like Commodus.

BAJINGOS

1. Sammy Morris, Marion Barber III, Julius Jones - Super Bowl XLI-I/II, as it was dubbed by Profootballtalk.com, was the barnburner everybody expected it to be. However, it was dominated by the passing game, with little being done on the ground. Sammy Morris ran 10 times for just 14 yards, and Julius Jones (51 yards) and Marion Barber (47 yards) just didn't have enough opportunities to make a difference in this game, despite their combined 7 yards per carry.
2. Marques Colston - Yes, he had a touchdown, but it was a 2 yard catch, which also happened to be his only one of the day. At a time when Drew Brees finally started clicking (25/36, 246 yds, 2 TDs), it's somewhat surprising to see him and Colston only hook up on one play.
3. Brett Favre - Although he's mostly on this list because I just dislike him, Favre also had a pretty lousy game against the Redskins, tossing for 188 yards and 2 interceptions. Mr. Favre also gets a Lifetime Achievement Bajingo today, for breaking the career interceptions record, despite every member of the media telling us that he's the best quarterback ever to play the game ever ever. However, he does advertise Wrangler jeans, which i find to be both comfortable, and a great bargain.
4. The Ball Maulers - The Boys of Bisbee are on the ropes after another loss to a previously winless franchise. Starting guys like Justin "Fargalicious" Fargas, Aaron Stecker, Jerry Porter doesn't help the cause, Santana Moss's -1.9 point day makes things even worse. Those four combined for a whopping 6.3 points yesterday.
5. Chester Taylor - Taylor had a good day. He rushed for 83 yards on 22 carries. He put up 10.2 fantasy points, even though Adam didn't start him. So his inclusion on this list may be surprising. But here's the thing...he carried 22 times!!! Step aside Chester, and let Purple Jesus fulfill his destiny by carrying the ball 42 times a game.

SASQUATCHES

1. LaDanian Tomlinson - Last week I bemoaned the Chargers scoring 41 points, and have none of them punched in by LT. This week, all 4 San Diego TDs were registered by the reigning MVP. Good to have you back. Having him playing at top speed again is like finding 100 bucks in an old pair of jeans. You had it all along, you just never knew it.
2. Braylon Edwards and Derek Anderson - I'll be the first to admit I was unsure about Braylon Edwards after drafting him this year. He seems like a lazy player, and I was less than thrilled with the Charlie Frye/Derek Anderson/Brady Quinn maelstrom at quarterback. However, Anderson and Edwards make such the fab team!!! Edwards now has 7 touchdowns on the year, putting him one behind Randy Moss for the NFL lead. Anderson also appears to have a firm grip on the starting QB job, letting Brady Quinn learn from the sidelines, which is what Cleveland really wanted for this year anyway.
3. Chris Cooley - Everytime I checked Fantasycast during the early games, Chris Cooley was there, flashing yellow, adding more points to his score. Cooley had 9 catches for 105 and a TD, and is definitely the most dynamic receiving threat that the Redskins have this year.
4. Tony Gonzalez - Not to be outdone, Gonzo put up 9 catches, 102 yards, and 2 touchdowns, breaking the all time record for most touchdowns by a tight end in NFL history. I didn't hear who the previous record holder was, but I'm guessing it's either Mike Bartrum or Shannon Sharpe, who is the reason this blogger once wore number 84 during his playing days as a multi-talented (read: blocking specialist) tight end.
5. Brady's Bunch!! TeeHee!! I came up with that all by myself!!!! - Tom Brady and his receivers put on a serious show yesterday, with Wes Welker emerging as the top beneficiary. All told, the trio of Moss, Welker, and Stallworth accounted for 5 touchdowns on 319 receiving yards. Just an unbelievable passing attack. There is no team in the NFL that has the cornerbacks to stop these guys. In all honesty, you really need 4 lockdown cornerbacks...2 for Moss, 1 for Welker, 1 for Stallworth. The only time they might face a team with 4 good corners is in the Pro Bowl, against the NFC all-stars. Unreal.

Bonus Sasquatch: Maurice Jones-Drew, who despite playing for a team who may or may not actually exist, does indeed have quite the strong pimp hand.

Well there you have it. I sucessfully managed to run down the Week 6 action without releasing my DNA all over the keyboard. And for that, I'm the biggest Sasquatch of them all.

Monday Morning Slobbering Yap: 10/14/07

Do I need to make the connection? Hail Holidaysburg's MPJs!

1. I think that the battle for the last couple of playoff spots is going to be the most heated storyline for the rest of the season. Who can squeeze points out of Amani Toomer, or Santana Moss, or Jerricho Cotchery or Isaac Bruce?

2. I think that, while there will be many takes on Hefty's record-shattering performance, here's mine: The Bear Grylls' 212 points is twice that of Melvin's SAT score.

3. I think that Penn State looked like a real team on Saturday. And that's the most frustrating part. Those brain cramps against Michigan and Illinois now become even more magnified. With the chaos in the Football Bowl Subdivision (really, was Division I such a bad name? Do we need 'FBS'?), the Nits had a prime chance to sneak into a BCS bowl, even after that Michigan debacle. Now if they could just throw the ball down the field every darn week, that'd be nice. On a side note, that Saturday night tilt with Ohio State is looking MIGHTY tasty now.

4. I think this is what I liked about Week 6 of our fabled fantasy escapade:
a. Shawn's shrewd pickup of Chris Henry. Watching Slimmy's deadly duo of CJ and Hoosh tear it up can only mean that Henry's gonna get some grabs. Whether or not those catches come via armed robbery is yet to be determined.
b. Mr. Gisele and Ravens D come through in the clutch for Adam. Who's laughing now? Well alright, it took 6 weeks to materialize into something, but regardless! Congrats to Adam for getting that elusive first victory.
c. Shelby, though in vain, getting points from Eric Johnson. Wow.
d. Maybe this should go into "things I don't like" since I made the smart aleck observation a couple weeks back, but Aaron's team is good. Not lucky. MoJo Drew, your pimp hand is STRONG. Welcome back.

5. I think this is what I didn't exactly like about Week 6:
a. Adrian Peterson farted and got 17 fantasy points as a result.
b. Where has the Bears D gone to?
c. Watching the update of Miami Vice to prepare for the weekend's action was not a great. The film starts out extremely strong, but I kept looking at Colin Farell strutting around in those ridiculous linen suits and wondering why he walks like he dumped in his boxer briefs.
d. Santana Moss. He's like this year's version of Laveraneheusjhsuads Coles for me. If I don't pick him, he goes bonkers. If I pick him, he shreds his groin and plays like he has crisco smeared on his sternum.
e. Having to endure the horrendous Brad Nessler/Bob Griese/Paul McGuire trio while watching the Penn State game. No, really, I was quite curious to learn why Walrus Lips McGuire gets a three-quarter chub while watching Carl Edwards circle around a racetrack. Riveting stuff. Nah, I don't even care that a football game is going on and that some type of analysis of the field action would enrich the broadcast.

The Fiercest Rivalry In All Of Sports

Red Sox-Yankees

Ohio State-Michigan

Duke-North Carolina

Federer-Nadal

Hefty-Deewaan