Week 2 Power Rankings: Premature Congratulations

If you want this kid's trophy, you'll have to pry it out of his cold, dead, juvenile diabetic hands.

Look, we're two weeks in. We may think we know how this season's panning out, but really, it's two weeks. As defending league champion Mr. X reminded me, two years ago he started out 2-0 and went 1-11 over the final 11 weeks. It's early. In fact, in the interest of keeping this purposely muddled and brief, we're doing only one or two lines of commentary for each team.

1. Adam (2-0, 316.8 pts)

2. Shelby (2-0, 348.7 pts)

I give Adam a nod because Brady isn't a huge advantage over Brees, but Ray Rice certainly is over Peyton Hillis. Besides, Shelby's team has been hit HARD by the injury bug (Austin, Manningham, Aaron Hernandez) and I see him struggling a little for the next week or two.

3. Aaron (1-1, 243.1)

4. Jordan (0-2, 246.6)

Take your pick, but both teams have dynamic duos at running back (Peterson and Forte, McCoy and McFadden), but I give the nod to the team with the proven QB that's underachieving (Roethlisberger) instead of the overachieving rookie (Cam Newton).

5. Craig (1-1, 270.3)

By the way, your 2011 Keynote Speakers at the Overachievement Conference: Ryan Fitzpatrick, Jahvid Best, and Fred Jackson. Double down on those Bills, Craigger!

6. Ryan (2-0, 259.8)

The defending champ is 2-0, which is probably all the reason I need to give for putting him in the top half of the rankings.

7. Dave (1-1, 253.6)

8. Mike (0-2, 245.4)

Love Dave's Megatron-Welker-Mike Williams troika. That's enough to get the edge over Mike's squad, which has a few more question marks as I see it.

9. Melvin (0-2, 210.1)

This team could make some noise, it's just waiting for Chris Johnson to break out of hibernation.

10. Rich (2-0, 210.2)

He's won the "Winning By The Skin Of Your Ballbag" award PRESENTED BY GMC, twice already. He isn't scoring but neither are his opponents. Irony Dept: Chad Ochocinco is currently 85th in WR scoring.

11. Shawn (1-1, 208.6)

I still say Flacco dooms this team. Shawn has some sleeping giants at WR though.

12. Hefty (0-2, 206.7)

I call shenanigans on Katy Perry. I really don't think she's the type of girl who's having casual group sex, getting blackout drunk, and committing arrestable crimes on a weekly basis. Oh, and my team blows by the way.

Division Preview 4 of 4: The Shitbirds

Aaron, Jordan, and Deewaan have already staked their claim as preseason darlings in their divisions. Who will be the fourth?

Tiebreaker this year is "most faces punched."

HEFTY: I've been playing fantasy for about 15 years now. Drafted two or three teams most years. I can't ever remember drafting a lesser running back duo than LeGarrette and DeAngelo. They're underwhelming in every way possible. The strange thing? I'm not worried about it one bit. LeGarrette has me hypnotized with thoughts that he'll be a 15 TD guy this year. The guy is a mentally unstable bulldozer. I watched the Oregon facepunch video like ten times the other day. I love him. DeAngelo has at one point in his life been a 20 TD guy. I'm not saying he'll come close this year. But I like him as a #2, especially when I've got his platoon buddy Jonathan Stewart. Hopefully Ron Rivera settles on a favorite, something John Fox could never do.

The Vick pick is certainly risky, but guys who put up 60 point weeks make that risk easier to stomach. I love my WRs, as I said before, they're all high-volume target and catch guys. I am completely glass-half-full on my team this year.

I know that LOOKS like Dez Bryant, but really, I just snuck in a picture of me taking a leisurely jog to change things up. This site can't be football players all the time.

DAVIS: You know, for a guy who finished 5th in scoring last year, Brees was frustrating to own. He only gave one monster game, when I was counting on a few. Consistent as they come though. Ray Rice is a perennial favorite of mine, especially the way he piles up catches out of the backfield. Beanie Wells, while still awful, at least doesn't appear to have any competition for the first time in his NFL career. Dez Bryant is in my team's division in the NFL and fantasy this year which scares the bejeezus out of me. He's ridiculously skilled. Kenny Britt doesn't play the Eagles this season, so there go half of his points. Plax will get his share of red-zone chances, not sure how many catches overall he'll get though. I was all ready to congratulate Adam on his TE-K-D ranks of 1-1-3 , until I realized I'm rolling with 2-3-2.

Pylon!! GAAAAAAAAAAAAH MY LEG!!!!

RYAN: X marks the spot where horrible first round picks are made. Arian Foster tweeted his hamstring's MRI yesterday and apparently the people who know these type of things say he can't play for a few weeks. The problem with these injuries are that they nag, and you have to rest them. Tough break, neighbor. Luckily, your RB2 is Knowshon Moreno, and he missed 3 games to a hamstring injury himself last year. Wait, that's not lucky at all. That's a fragile backfield. Have the antacids ready up until kickoff every week while you wait to see if these guys are playing. Mike Wallace is a pimp, but Reggie Wayne ties into my Peyton concerns and I think he'll have a down year too. Steve Smith finished 70th in WR scoring last year, and has Cam Newton throwing to him now. He's not a fantasy starter anymore. And I'm not breaking any news to Ryan, but the bench players here are all either old, hurt, or just kind of suck.

YOUR 2011 SHITBIRD DIVISION CHAMPIONS: No repeat for Ryan this year. In fact, no playoffs either. The smart money's probably on Davis here, but I've never made a smart bet in my life. Hefty takes the division.

Division Preview 3 of 4: The Dickbags

One week until the NFL season kicks off!!! Let's get the rest of the division previews taken care of.

Holding up that giant noggin? I'm just surprised his neck didn't give out earlier.

CRAIG: I'm worried about Peyton. Like I think he's definitely going to regret playing with a neck injury. Like I think he's going to make it much worse or play badly because of it. There were a bunch of times late in Favre's career where he tried to gut out injuries because he was a tough guy who had to play every game, but the fact that he was injured hurt his team worse than him sitting out and letting a healthy backup play. Peyton's going to have a rough season. Like outside of the top 15 quarterbacks. I'm calling it right now.

Now having said that, I'll admit that's awfully hunchy of me and not a good reason to say Craig misses the playoffs. In fact, there's enough pieces on the roster (including backup Ryan Fitzpatrick who can be good in streaks) that a playoff run is still likely. I don't love Craig's starting running backs but I'm guessing most people would take them over my two guys. It's a deep crew here, and guys like Lynch and Pierre Thomas can always spot start for a few weeks. One spot where Craig shouldn't have to do much lineup tweaking is at WR, where he spent two top picks on Andre Johnson and Larry Fitz. That's an incredible 1-2 punch, especially in our scoring format. I'm not ready to declare Craig the division favorite here, so let's move on.

Jeremy Maclin, seen here in full pads after his drastic offseason weight loss.

MELVIN: I was watching Sports Center last night and somebody said Philip Rivers should be the #1 fantasy pick. Obviously that's stupid and that guy lost all credibility right then and there, but think about it: quarterbacks always score the most points. Would you be surprised one bit if Rivers was the top scoring QB? He could be the top scorer in the league. Intriguing. Chris Johnson was a great pick for Melvin a round later than he should have been, and although right now he's a holdout, these things almost always work out with the guy getting some sort of deal and playing. Vincent Jackson last year was the exception, not the rule. Ahmad Bradshaw is the fantasy football equivalent of a high-fiber diet; a solid, dependable number 2. Let's play word association with the WRs. Colston - Declining. Maclin - IV drip. Malcom Floyd - Unproven. Braylon Edwards - Frustrating. Jerome Simpson - Bengal. Earl Bennett - Waiver wire. Yeah, I don't like these guys. Next?

Wow, you're right Coach. Those are some incredibly big TD's!

DAVE: Maybe the worst thing to happen to Matt Schaub is the Texans' attempt to fix their defense this offseason. Schaub was awesome BECAUSE the defense in Houston was so bad. Every game seemed like a garbage-time shootout. Hopefully Schaub can still get the ball in his hands late in the game because that's a fantasy goldmine. MoJo is a pretty good consolation prize for picking last, but the RB2 situation is dire from where I sit. Shonn Greene, Joe Addai, Danny Woodhead are going to have to be a patchwork quilt to try to get production out of this spot. Love the WRs here, Megatron and the Good Mike Williams are touchdown magnets, and even though Welker is banged up, Dave made a lot of smart picks late who could all play WR3 (Julio Jones, Amendola, Nate Washington always has a good game or two) if Welker misses time. Good squad. Jimmy Graham is an intriguing pickup who SAW SOME BIG TD'S late in the season. Pretty solid team. If I were the GM, I'd look to swap out some WR depth for an upgrade at RB2.

YOUR 2011 DICKBAGS DIVISION CHAMPION: Let's look at some facts. Dave is habitually terrible at managing his team over the course of a season, and Craig always makes three or four smart moves along the way to add useful pieces and get himself a playoff spot. But if I had to pick one of these three rosters to go into the season with, I'm picking Dave's. This is a solid roster with less question marks (in my mind) than either of the other two teams, and I don't think it will need a lot of tinkering along the way. Dave wins the division title with Craig nipping at his heels.

Division Preview 2 of 4: The Cocksmiths

We continue our Power Rankings with a trip to the Cocksmiths Division. Wield your tool and join me!

As you can tell by his retarted Spanish name, Chad is totally taking things seriously now.

RICH: Before his injury last year, Tony Romo didn't have a game where he posted under 20 points. That's the kind of incredible consistency you need to have from your quarterback. I'll be watching Rich's running backs like a hawk this year. I almost took Charles at 3 and Gore in the 3rd round. I'm sure I'll have plenty of chances to kick myself. The WR crew is, if nothing else, intriguing. I'm a big believer in Hakeem Nicks, and think Ochocinco could easily be a 8-10 touchdown guy once again in his new uniform. I'm skeptical of Brandon Lloyd's chances of repeating his 2010 numbers, but even a 25% dropoff would be solid WR2 numbers for Rich. There's plenty of useful bench pieces here too. I'm really liking this team overall. Rich can expect a multitude of trade offers from me once again this season.

Flacco on his backo!

SHAWN: First things first. Shawn has tastefully changed his name from al-Qaeda porn to some sort of a Shelby cover band. Now onto the talent...Flacco has rounded out into a niche as a fringe starter/top backup in fantasy. As Shawn was the last guy to grab a QB, I've got to say it shows. This is the weak link of the team for sure. I don't love the running backs here but Mendenhall is basically LeGarrette Blount if LeGarrette Blount were good. And I drafted Blount, so I have no room to talk. Greg Jennings is the best weapon on the best quarterback in the league's team. That's a plus. DeSean, Anquan and Owen Daniels seem like they're all made of peanut brittle, but I like the overall depth on Shawn's bench. I like this team but not enough to say he's got an edge over Rich.

Double Dwaynebowe!!

JORDAN: I am bullish on Josh Freeman. Think he's got all the tools to be a great quarterback, and the fact that he uses his legs like he does is only going to help his fantasy value. I think Jordan's going to get great production out of Freeman for a low price. What that allowed him to do is load up at RB. The Irish Twins (awful nickname that you'll see approximately 60 times on this blog this year), McFadden and McCoy are just an awesome 1-2 punch. I thought McFadden might go in Round 1, but then again, I thought Tom Brady might go in Round 3. Dwayne Bowe is the rare fantasy receiver who can win a week by himself, as he did a few times last year. He can also put up a donut, so beware. Love Santonio Holmes as a 2, and think you can do enough platooning between Harvin/Bess/Evans to have a serviceable starter most weeks at 3. The only real negative I can say here is shame on you for taking the Cowboys D.

YOUR 2011 COCKSMITHS DIVISION CHAMPION: I like Jordan in a very tight race down the stretch over Rich.

Division Preview 1 of 4: Asshats

I love this year's four division wrinkle. I think it's going to make some new rivalries, and a lot of exciting match-ups down the stretch. In lieu of my normal 1-12 post-draft Power Rankings, I'm going to preview each division and make my prediction for who takes the automatic playoff bid this season. Up first are the Asshats.

You better be taking this serious, jerkoff, you're Mike's #1 WR.

MIKE: Although he was the second (ed: third, thanks Craigger) QB taken, Aaron Rodgers is the safest pick among quarterbacks, and is the kind of player who can singlehandedly win weeks. That's going to have to be the case here because I can't see the wide receivers helping the cause too much. Steve Johnson was a guy I was targeting late as a WR3. I love the occasional multi-touchdown games, the Joker persona he's adopted, and the Twitter tirades. But there's no chance he's a WR1 in any fantasy league. Somebody made an awesome joke at the live draft yesterday: "I'm always excited when I play a team with Santana Moss in the starting lineup." That awesome jokester, dear readers, WAS ME. Having Gates is like having an extra WR, but in this case, there's too much to overcome here. Mike's running back situation (Turner, SJax) can be devastating at times, and can be sitting in the ice bath nursing injuries at times. I don't think this team has the horses to take the division, but a playoff spot is a strong possibility if Steven Jackson stays healthy.

Eyerape. The world's most gentle, consensual kind of rape.

AARON: Big Ben was a sneaky good value for where he went in the draft. He could easily finish with Rivers-Brees type points and I wouldn't be surprised one bit. FOUR Pittsburgh receivers got drafted yesterday, which either means Roethlisberger's going to be throwing a ton or we're all terrible at picking players. I'd drown a pit bull to have Aaron's running back tandem, Forte going one spot before my third round pick made me audibly curse at the dinner table. I think the best way to describe Aaron's wide receiving crew is not overly talented but deep. There's a lot of good WR3 options behind VJax (second Jax nickname this post!!), and Dallas Clark will be a catch machine either as Peyton's favorite target, or Kerry Collins' security blanket. I like this team over Mike's, I'll say that much for now.

Ladies and Gentlemen: The first ever scratch-and-sniff picture on The Heftington Post. Gently scratch Mr. Benson's face on your monitor to unleash the lovely scent of bong water.

SHELBY: Brady was a reach. Guess what, he's still Tom Brady. Big deal. Peyton Hillis was almost definitely a reach. But he finished second in RB points last year while playing for the awful Browns. It's the Cedric Benson pick here that worries me the most. If the Bengals average 10 points per game this season I'd be surprised. That's gotta be one of the worst offenses ever to set foot in an NFL stadium. They're young where you want experience (QB, top WR), and old where you want youth (RB). My foolproof strategy this year was to not pick any Bengals. I was trying to tack Cedric Benson onto every trade proposal I made last year and you would have thought I was asking people if they wanted to snort a line of anthrax. I feel like I could blog for the next two or three hours and still not have done a good enough job conveying how much I dislike Cedric Benson for fantasy purposes this year. If I must move on, I don't particularly love the WRs here, but they're probably the tallest midget in this division. Wait a minute, is that AJ Green? Another Bengal? GAH SHELBY'S GOT THE PLAGUE!!

YOUR 2011 ASSHAT DIVISION CHAMPION: Aaron. I'm feeling pretty confident on that one.

RANK THE DRANK: Pumptoberfest Edition

October is time for two things: Pumpkin Beer and Werewolf Bar Mitzvahs

Mr. X and I square off for the Patriots Ridge Land Grant Trophy this week and the hostilities are high. I've been using his mailbox as a Diaper Genie, he's been slashing my tires, you know, good-natured neighbor hate. But rewind just a few short days ago we were getting along so well that we convened for the first ever A Little Slap and Pickle!! RANK THE DRANK drink-off.

What's a RANK THE DRANK? Well, it's everything this blog stands for, quite simply. Poorly thought out power rankings, inebriation, and even a little bit of The Untrained Chef works its way in there. Anyway, this is our first such attempt, and we hope to inform YOU, the reader, where your precious beer money is best spent during this glorious fall season.

We focused on beers that described themselves as Pumpkin flavored, or Octoberfest, because nobody gives a damn about how Bud Light Lime tastes. Let the rankings begin.

Brooklyn Brewing Post Road Pumpkin Ale- (X: 8th, Hefty: 7th)
X SAYS - Started out extremely promising, nice bottle with a bright orange pumpkin on it and some great amber color upon its pour. Unfortunately that is where all of my positive remarks end. The beer can best be described as a cornucopia of funk; with flavors ranging from skunky to absolute shit. I actually question whether or not Brooklyn Brewery took the water directly from the East River to make this crap. The only pumpkin in this ale was the one on the bottle and it was very difficult to make out any of the spices traditionally used in a Pumpkin Ale.
HEFTY SAYS - My hastily scribbled notes say "cheap aftertaste" and "good scent". It gave off a nice aroma when pouring, which got my mouth watering for pumpkinny goodness, but the scent wrote a check the taste couldn't cash. Basically, I think the beer smells better than it tastes, which is a nice way of agreeing with X and saying it sucks.

Victory Festbier – (X: 7th, Hefty: 8th)
X SAYS - Two words…..Bucky Gunts…..this beer is exactly like my fantasy football team. Attractive and smells good at first whiff, but really deep down it blows chunks. There was nothing remotely tasty about this beer which is surprising because of the reputation that Victory has with its beers. If I had to choose between this so-called “Festbier” and a good ole Beast Ice, I’m riding the Beast.
HEFTY SAYS - I'm astonished at how bad this beer was. We could have tried 80 and this would have finished last. It makes no sense though, because I almost always love Victory beers (Hop Devil being right at the top of my list), and I almost think this might have been an old bottle. It stunk. My notes say "putrid nose boquet" which means I think I did a lot more smelling of the beer than I actually did drinking them.

Hacker-Pschorr Octoberfest - (X:6th, Hefty: 6th)
X SAYS - This “Octoberfest” was absolutely nothing special and reminded me of just a random European Beer that you can get at any time during the year. I think Hacker-Pschorr is German for Schlitz. Best part of drinking this one? Hefty began to get that I’m buzzed twinkle in his eye, turned to Ang and said “Bourbon tasting next??” Her response mentioned something about Jon, Bourbon, and a locked bathroom door that had to be broken into?? Me thinks someone needs an intervention??
HEFTY SAYS - Well that's not entirely true. It was an unrelated story about a recent Yuengling binge and well yeah, MAYBE I passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. Again, this was just a beer. It wasn't bad by any stretch but there was nothing to make me want to have it again. Just a forgettable bottle of mediocre beer.

Southampton Public House Pumpkin Ale – (X: 5th, Hefty: 5th)
X SAYS - This beer was incredibly mediocre. It had a very gingery taste to it. In fact, the ginger really overpowered the pumpkin and any thing else that was brewed with it to give the beer flavor. I have nothing else to say here but meh……..
HEFTY SAYS - This is the last of the beers I'd reccomend you not buy under any circumstances. As X said, I popped one of these open and thought I was drinking ginger ale or birch beer or something non-alcoholic. Stay away.

Wolavers Will Stevens Pumpkin Ale – (X: 4th, Hefty: 3rd)
X SAYS - Sources are telling me that this beer is fantastic for breastfeeding mothers because it is ORGANIC (those were the whispers in the Hefty house). That’s right folks ORGANIC beer, how about that?? Actually I was quite surprised with this beer, while Wolavers is very light compared to most of its pumpkin brethren it packs a surprisingly good flavor. I feel like this could be the Coors Light of Pumpkin beers? Or let me spell it out…..If you like to drink out of Penis straws or have breasts, you will love it!!!
HEFTY SAYS - Well if saying I like this beer means I like drinking out of penis straws, just call me a cocksucker. This was very good. There is a certain quality to this beer that is a little thin, but that means you can have more than 1 or 2 without feeling like you just ate an entire pumpkin pie. That's good beeronomics. My wife, as alluded to, ranked this #1 of the four beers she tasted. This one will be making it's way back into my fridge this fall for sure.

Elsyian Night Owl Pumpkin Ale – (X: 3rd, Hefty: 4th)
X SAYS - This beer has excellent drinkability; while the pumpkin flavor is present it is not by any means overpowering. The problem with this beer is that after the initial drink the taste disappears faster than the Westside Village FFB Championship trophy. This beer also comes in a 12 pack of 22 oz bottles that costs $56. So, for the price it should be the greatest thing since the bikini wax. Alas, it is not; so my pre-tasting #1 has sadly fallen to #3 in the power rankings.
HFFTY SAYS - You should have seen the look on his face, he was so disappointed this didn't go over better. On paper, this should have been one of the heavy hitters. It comes in a 22oz. bottle, which always makes me feel like Merry in the Prancing Pony when he finds out they sell beer by the pint (Lord of the Rings joke alert!!). It is wildly expensive though, and not really worth the extra dough.

Weyerbacher Imperial Pumpkin Ale – (X: 2nd, Hefty: 2nd)
X SAYS - Awesome beer, absolutely delicious. This beer tastes like Thanksgiving dinner with flavors ranging from strong pumpkin to nutmeg, allspice, and cinnamon. Flavor wise this is the beer to beat. It is full bodied and incredibly filling; so really 2-3 of these and you are good to go. On a more disgusting note, I wrote on my “comments” sheet that this beer tastes like Grandma??? Not sure what exactly that means but I just threw up in my mouth a little.
HEFTY SAYS - My notes say (and if you couldn't tell from X's grandma comment, we were starting to get a little smashed at this point...) "warms the cockles of my heart". It's so hearty, it really is like having a meal. It's a phenomenal beer and if you were out at a bar and they had it on draft and you wanted to just get one or two beers, this would be the one I recommend. If you were buying a case, I'd go with the next beer on the list, which brings us to our undisputed champion...

Dogfish Head Punkin Ale – (X: 1st, Hefty: 1st)
X SAYS - Hoppy Halloween everyone, elbow to the ribs……this is the first and only of the pumpkin beers that the hops are not completely overpowered by the pumpkin flavor and the spices. While you can taste the hops, the pumpkin and spice flavors add to it to create heaven in a bottle. Although the Weyerbacher has a little better flavor I am ranking this above it because you can drink more of these without getting sick of them. And the price is around $20 cheaper than the Weyerbacher.
HEFTY SAYS - And there you have it. Taste, well-balanced pumpkin to beer ratio, and value. This is the go-to beer you want in your fridge this fall. Perfect to relax with during a NFL Sunday, perfect with a meal, perfect with some pecan pie or apple cobbler. It's the versatility that makes this the champion.

And there you have it, the inaugural RANK THE DRANK column. We've already made plans to do another when the Winter style beers come out. Look out for that one right around the time the fantasy playoff races start heating up. Any fall beers you recommend? We'd love to hear them in the comments section.

2009 Power Rankings: The Rat King

Join me as we untangle the Rat King that is the Westside VII standings.

The standings are a mess.

The last season I actively tried ranking teams, we had great teams (mine) and horrible teams (Adam's). Ranking teams was as easy as regurgitating the standings page. A couple of clever Google image pictures, a caption, and I was done. Very easy. This year, however, is a mess. It's a rat king. The rat king is a phenomenon in nature, when too many rats populate a small area. The rats are literally on top of each other, swimming in each other's shit. Their tails get tangled, and the rat king begins to take shape. More rats get knotted up with the mess of tails and now you have a heap of rats all moving in unison, functioning as a conjoined group.

This is exactly how I see this year's teams. We have some strong rats and some weak rats, but we've all somehow gotten our tails twisted and we're stuck in a 3-2 and 2-3 rat king. The only way to clear this picture up is to start gnawing away at each other's tails in an effort to escape the pack of mediocrity. Who will emerge? I have the answers.

1. Chode House (3-2)

Look no further than America's newest scumbag lawyer for the best fantasy team in the land. With two top-6 running backs in Brown and Benson, a troika of excellent receivers, and a decent bench, this team appears to be for real. The only concern would be the QB platoon of Brett Favre and Carson Palmer, who would have been a little more intimidating if it was 2004. They're both servicable, but one isn't clearly better than the other, and it's when you have to pick a quarterback with a coin flip that you're destined to make the wrong call once in a while. (Editor's note: this was written Tuesday. Since then, Chode House traded for the #2 QB in the league. This team is even scarier now. Clear favorite.)

2. The Long and Winding Chode (3-2)

The running backs on this team are unbelievably good. Chris Johnson was a guy who was supposed to be sharing carries (especially near the goal line) with LenDale, and Ray Rice is platooning with a guy who already has seven touchdowns. Well guess what, these two are both still top five talents. The wide receiving core is kind of shaky, but there's a bunch of guys here who could go off at any time. Now that Matt Ryan has learned that Roddy White still plays for the Falcons, you've gotta like him as a top QB for the rest of the season. Also, keep an eye on Michael Crabtree, who I'm assuming is only on the roster to include on a deadline-day trade to a receiver starved team.

3. Chodo Baggins (3-2)

The best team owned by a Caucasian in our league is mine. Some question marks are starting to pop up on my roster, but I'm still pretty pleased with my team so far. Mike Turner's back in top-pick mode, Kurt Warner threw for nearly 300 in the first half last week, and Colston and Desean are a formidable 1-2 punch, and at this point I expect top-12 finishes for both of them. I'm worried about my depth, but if Old Man Warner gets banged up, I've got Kyle Neckbeard to turn to for the rest of the season, and he's been the NFL's most surprising story of the year so far.

4. Yellow Brick Chode (2-3)

Really good roster that just needs to live up to some of it's potential. QB is a major strength, and either Eli Manning or Philip Rivers should be dealt at some point, and they won't come cheap. Another spot of strength to trade from would be tight end, as Dallas Clark and Kellen Winslow are #1 and #2 on the young season. Brandon Jacobs and DeAngelo Williams both got hot towards the end of last season and may do it again this year. This looks like a team that could pull of a blockbuster deal without upsetting any of its starting lineup and cause some major problems come playoff time.

5. Dennis Tennis Choding Company (2-3)

Dropped several spots in the rankings due to naming violations, primarily due to the fact that it doesn't rhyme. This is actually the second ranked team in total points, which obviously has a lot to do with the #1 overall pick being on the roster. The rest of the team is strangely uninspiring. Jeremy Maclin and Mike Wallace had a nice fluky week replacing some guys on bye, but can hardly be counted on to produce over a full season. This team did just pick up Antonio Gates for presumably less than market value, so that could potentially pay huge dividends.

6. On The Chode Again (2-3)

Led by Captain Doom and Gloom, all we've heard is how bad this team is. But there's actually a lot here to like. Matt Schaub is streaky but throws to a bunch of good receivers, so he's always a threat for a huge game like Sunday's. MoJo Drew was the right call at #2, and Nate Burleson has an amazing stat line for the season so far. What I'm sayin' here, son, is to turn off the emo records, open the blinds, and just relax. You're going to be fine.

7. 16801 Zip Chodes (3-2)

Maybe I'm being rough on the Zip Chodes, but I have a crazy feeling that once you draft a guy in the first round, you feel compelled to start him even when you know you shouldn't. And I have a crazy feeling that maybe you end up starting this guy too many times even though it starts getting obvious that he's completely washed up and doesn't really fit in his NFL team's game plan anymore even though as recently as two years ago he was singlehandedly winning people fantasy championships. If I'm wrong about this, then feel free to move this team up a couple of spots, but like I said, I just have a crazy feeling.

8. Chodal Recall (2-3)

Two of the top three receivers in a PPR league is usually a recipe for a championship run, but this squad has underachieved so far. Steve Slaton has been less productive than advertised, but Thomas Jones is on his way to another huge touchdown season. Also, you've gotta love having the #4 quarterback in the league as an insurance policy for McNabb and whatever injuries he may pick up along the season. The low point of the season for Chodal Recall so far, is that the "fleecing" for T.O. was, as I said all along, done by Sausage A La Chode.

9. Genetic Chode (3-2)

Peyton Manning might be having one of his best seasons with one of the Colts' worst receiving crews in recent memory. He has thrown for 300 yards every week, and failed to throw multiple touchdowns only once. Looking ahead at the Colts' schedule, they don't really play any lockdown defenses other than Baltimore, so it's not a stretch to think Peyton will finish the season as the #1 player in fantasy. The reason I'm only talking about Peyton here is because the rest of this team is saturated in mediocrity.

10. The Nigerian Chodeling Team (2-3)

Teams 10-12 could probably be picked out of a hat, but you came to this blog for BOLD statements, not wishy-washy ones. I have the NCT ranked 10th for a few reasons, but one of the biggest is Rashard Mendenhall. I blasted the NCT for starting Mendenhall a few weeks ago, labeling it a homer move, but now I'm eating some crow. Mendenhall has been a star the past two weeks and should hold on to a large workload even when Willie Parker returns from his injuries. A lot of people are down on Tom Brady, but he's still a top-10 guy and will push to finish in the top-5. Final note: whatever jerkoff traded Santana Moss away should be kicked in the balls.

11. Sausage a la Chode (3-2)

Sausage a la Chode gets the #11 spot. One of my thoughts behind this pick is that I play them this weekend, and it would be horrible karma to say they're the worst team. That would nearly guarantee a loss. The running backs here are pretty horrible as a group, and let's just calm the eff down about Matt Hasselbeck, please. Four touchdowns, wow. You know this guy has about two or three more sacks before he's holding a retirement press conference, so putting any of your eggs in his basket is ill-advised. Yes, I noticed Tony Romo is also on the roster, but he's been absolutely invisible in games against good teams.

12. Lock n' Chode (2-3)

22, 38, 39, 41. Those are the ranks of the four running backs on the roster. Almost impossible to win that way. Drew Brees got everybody's panties all wet in the beginning of the season but has cooled off in the past two games. Overall, he's still a top-3 fantasy quarterback, but Lock n' Chode's fortunes are tied directly to the arm of Breesus. If I had to compliment this team, it would be the excellent talent at tight end. That's not a great compliment, which is probably why your #12, neighbor. Welcome to the league.

Week 11 Power Rankings: Playoff Mania

It's that time of year boys. With only 2 weeks of the regular season left, the playoffs are starting to take shape!! Feast your eyes on the prognostications of ALSAP!!!

#1 Jordan (9-2, W5, 109.4 avg, Previously #2) - He's not scoring the most, but he has the longest current winning streak in the league with 5 straight victories. That puts him in the top spot, for now. Tough, tough match-ups against the Butt Pills and Skidmark end the regular season.
Playoffs IN/OUT: IN
Seed Prediction: #3 (10-3)

#2 Melvin (9-2, W2, 114.4 avg, Previously #3) - Melvin is poised to take over the top playoff seed. He's been the highest and most consistent scorer all season and will be rewarded with a first round playoff matchup against a cast-off team with half the wins.
Playoffs IN/OUT: IN
Seed Prediction: #1 (10-3)

#3 Hefty (8-3, W1, 113.8 avg, Previously #1) - Hefty is the 3rd league member to lock up a playoff spot. He also has it pretty easy going forward facing Dave and Shawn in his final two games. While his scoring has dipped the last two weeks, the combo of Westbrook and Turner is frighteningly dangerous for a playoff run.
Playoffs IN/OUT: IN
Seed Prediction: #2 (10-3)

#4 Rich (7-4, W3, 107.5 avg, Previously #4) - Rich has reeled off three big wins in a row and has clinched himself a playoff spot. He's also put up some serious points (248) in the last two weeks which means his team is peaking at the right time. He has a tough game against the Sharts then finishes with Anal Leakage.
Playoffs IN/OUT: IN
Seed Prediction: #5 (8-5)

#5 Craig (6-5, W2, 116.6 avg, Previously #5) - Colon Blow has been straight dominant over the last two weeks taking over the overall points lead from Melvin. The issue is the early season play that lead to a 4-5 start. This is truly a Jekyl and Hyde team that averages 97.9 in its 5 losses and 132.3 in its 6 wins. Blow ends the season with My Pants and Poopy Heads.
Playoffs IN/OUT: IN
Seed Prediction: #4 (8-5)

#6 Mike (4-7, L1, 110.8 avg, Previously #8) - Mike is 1-1 since the last power rankings and just can't seem to get his team to turn the corner. He's #4 overall in scoring and has little to show for it. He ends the season facing Dump Tanks and Sharts. I think he still has a playoff charge left in him.
Playoffs IN/OUT: IN
Seed Prediction: #7 (6-7)

#7 Shelby (6-5, L2, 95.9 avg, Previously #6) - CHD will make the playoffs, somehow. A 10 out 12 scoring average doesn't do much for his hopes of staying in the playoffs for more than one round, but he'll be there. He ends the season with two bottom dwellars in Dave and Aaron.
Playoffs IN/OUT: IN
Seed Prediction: #6 (7-6)

#8 Adam (4-7, L1, 99.7 avg, Previously #12) - Adam is a big mover here because the bottom of the league really can't hold anything together. We have 3 teams at 4-7 and 3 teams at 3-8. It's like picking through garbage to find that half-eaten bagel that still has some cream cheese and was only 1/3 of the way buried in the can. My pick is for Adam to get in, finally, the spreadsheet pays off.
Playoffs IN/OUT: IN
Seed Prediction: #8 (5-8)

#9 Aaron (3-8, W1, 99.4 avg, Previously #11) - Aaron has showed some life of late, going 3-1 over his last 4. Unfortunately, I think it's too little, too late. He has to win out and get some help in the scoring tiebreakers to make the playoffs.
Playoffs IN/OUT: OUT

#10 Jonesey (4-7, L2, 93.1 avg, Previously #7) - Anal Leakage has hit the skids after winning 3 straight to climb back into the race. The 12th scoring average isn't helping. Killer games against Melvin and Rich will seal the fate of this Westside FFBer's first season. Please, PLEASE, play next year!
Playoffs IN/OUT: OUT

#11 Shawn (3-8, L5, 103.6 avg, Previously #9) - His team just got sent back to Cincinatti for violating a team rule. Here's looking ahead to 2009.
Playoffs IN/OUT: OUT

#12 Dave (3-8, L3, 94.1 avg, Previously #10) - An all to familiar place for Dave at the end of the fantasy football season. I had high hopes that this would be the year the StinkPalmers, formerly the Delaware Ding-Dong Danglerz, would crack the playoff scene. There is just too much to overcome in the final two weeks.
Playoffs IN/OUT: OUT

Week 9 Power Rankings: The Presidents Edition

"One day, these great big heads will be joined by the 2008 Westside Village Fantasy Football Champion."

#1 Hefty (7-2, W2, 119.5 avg, Previously #2) - Ronald Reagan - He's not acting at all. He's dominating bitches. Hefty has the highest average weekly score by nearly 5 points over the next competitor. Reagan garnered 526 electoral votes, the most ever. If no one does anything, Hefty's looking at a second term as League Champion.

#2 Jordan (7-2, W3, 110.1 avg, Previously #3) - Dwight Eisenhower - This one is easy folks. Dwight D and Jordan share a very unique trait and it isn't returning from abroad from a successful war as the leader of the Allied Attack. Nope, they're both free from the burden of hair.

#3 Melvin (7-2, L2, 114.7 avg, Previously #1) - George H.W. Bush - He was on the top of his game for a while and tried to ride the coattails of Reagan for a 2nd term. That little promise of no new taxes kinda back fired and he found himself out of the Oval Office and has attended every sporting event in Texas history since. He especially likes those rascally Astros. To the point, Melvin was just cruising along and has now hit a rough patch. He's in no danger of missing the playoffs, but a high seed could be in danger.

#4 Rich (5-4, W1, 103.9 avg, Previously #5) - James K. Polk - Do you know much about him? No, neither do I.

#5 Craig (4-5, L1, 111.5 avg, Previously #4) - Jimmy Carter - Sandwiched between two Republicans on either side of his Presidency, Carter gave America a taste of the liberalism it thought it needed and then quickly realized it wanted nothing to do with. He's responsible for starting Habitat for Humanity and likes to get involved in foreign politics years after his term ended. He's a nice guy and I'm already struggling with this column.

#6 Shelby (6-3, W1, 96.3 avg, Previously #9) - Teddy Roosevelt - His motto was "walk softly and carry a big stick." Well, Shelby certainly hasn't been scoring much with the 3rd lowest average in the league, but he's winning. He could be a real ball-ache for someone in the playoffs.

#7 Jonesy (4-5, W3, 94.7 avg, Previously #10) - Franklin Roosevelt - When Jonesy took office, things did not look good at all. His team was laughed at post-draft and came out of the gates about as quickly as Paris Hilton doing long division. However, after a few prudent moves like Social Security, FDIC, SEC, and the CCC, Jonesy was riding high and 4-1 over his last five games. Whether or not he can sustain the longest fantasy football tenure in history remains to be seen.

#8 Mike (3-6, L2, 112.1 avg, Previously #6) - JFK - Let's cut to the chase, like John Fitzgerald Kennedy, Mike scores a lot. Unfortunately for Skidmark Mishap, his playoff hopes are about to be assassinated if he doesn't win this week. It's sad to see a promising fellow cut down in his prime. I think though, that it may be a reach to think Mike's exit will galvanize a nation.

#9 Shawn (3-6, L3, 103.5 avg, Previously #7) - Chester A. Arthur - I received good information that Shawn is attempting to grow a beard in the mold of our favorite facial haired leader. Oh, and his team is crap right now.

#10 Dave (3-6, L1, 97 avg, Previously #8) - William J. Clinton - Dave doesn't necessarily make the strongest picks for his team and just like Clinton's picks some floozies for his cabinet. Good thing for Dave is, he's only a Cuban and a pussy away from stepping closer to the playoffs.

#11 Aaron (2-7, W2, 95 avg, Previously #11) - Harry S. Truman - They printed papers the night of the election that showed Truman's opponent Thomas Dewey had beaten his incumbent bid for the Presidency. Truman flipped off the doubters and he retained the White House to later be named one of the top presidents in history. Aaron has faced similar doubters in this league but he's given everyone a big EFF YOU by winning two straight.

#12 Davis (3-6, L3, 95.9 avg, Previously #11) - Herbert Hoover - The Great Depression. The Cellar. The Bottom of the Barrel. Synonyms for sucking ass. Here lies Adam's season.

Week 8 Power Rankings: Saturday Morning Cartoon Edition

Ok, so I haven't done power rankings since week 5. A lot has changed since then. I'm going with the new theme. I hope you enjoy it.



#1 Melvin (7-1, L1, 118.4 avg, Previously #1) - He-Man. I didn't think much of Melvin's team when he first drafted. But just like Prince Adam lifting his sword on high for the POWER of GRAYSKULL to become He-Man, the PoopyHeads are alone on top of the league standings. Missing Reggie Bush, though, could make his team more like She-Ra.


#2 Hefty (6-2, W1, 119.7 avg, Previously #3) - Lionel of Thundercats. Personally, I can't think of a guy that better represents Hefty than one with a sword that grows and yells HOOOOOOO!! to gather a crowd. The Terrible Bowels lead the league in scoring average and have taken dead aim at the top spot.


#3 Jordan (6-2, W2, 110.8 avg, Previously #4) - Voltron. The Sharts have been on quite a tear during the last three weeks. I liken Jordan to Voltron, because while he doesn't have a ton of studs on his team, he's able to piece together a winner. Plus, Voltron is just badass. Raise your hand if you didn't want to be on that intergalactic, evil fighting team. No one? I didn't think so.


#4 Craig (4-4, W1, 112.9 avg, Previously #6) - C.O.B.R.A. Commander. You think you might have beaten me into submission, Joes. But I will never rest. I will wait to strike and take down your leaders one at a time! The mighty Joes will weep when I take over their beloved country!! Isn't my see-through mask cool as well? Pretty badass, I know.


#5 Rich (4-4, L1, 104.3 avg, Previously #5) - Bumble Bee. Rich isn't doing a whole heck of a lot. He's here, making a play, rescuing his buddies every now and again. He's not flashy, but he gets the job done. He's right in the mix of things, though I would like to see higher than the #7 scoring average.


#6 Mike (3-5, L1, 114.1 avg, Previously #7) - Pinky and the Brain. Try, try, try as he may, Mike cannot just make any headway in his attempt to take over the worl, er, league. He's number 3 in scoring average and only has 3 wins to show for it. Again, I think he's a playoff team, but he's gotta win at least 3 of the last 5 games.

#7 Shawn (3-5, L2, 105 avg, Previously #8) - Mum-Ra of the Thundercats. Yes, I know I already used a Thundercats character. But doesn't Shawn remind you of Mum-Ra? You know. How he's half Egyptian and they have mummies in Egypt and it's like Mum-Ra? No? Shit, this one needs a re-write. Shawn is right in the middle of the pack in scoring average and on the fence of being a playoff team.


#8 Dave (3-5, W3, 98.8 avg, Previously #12) - Captain Planet. Dave was down and out just three weeks and one power ranking ago. Now he's flying high on three straight, convincing wins. I see more wins in the future. Dave's team isn't really like Captain Planet, except for the little faggie kid that uses his "heart" ring to make the Captain appear. No, Dave just looks like Captain Planet. Seriously, click on this picture, it's uncanny.


#9 Shelby (5-3, L3, 92.4 avg, Previously #2) - Hadji from Johnny Quest. This kid is one of the more douchey characters in all of Saturday TV. He really serves no purpose except for infrequent comic relief. Shelby has the lowest scoring average in the league and I'm still shocked that he was able to win 5 games. Three loses in a row have moved him to the lower 3rd of the power rankings.


#10 Jonesy (3-5, W2, 94.3 avg, Previously #10) - Papa Smurf. Jonesy is straight chillin' in our league. I'd like to think when Papa Smurf wasn't on camera, he was hittin' a flask and playing some grab-ass with some young lady smurfs. That's how I like to think of Jonesy down there in South Cack with the beach and undergrads on his doorstep. He's also 3-1 over his last 4, so his team is showing signs up life. He'll probably have to win 4 of his last 5 to get into the playoffs, but stranger things have happened.


#11 Davis (3-5, L2, 95.5 avg, Previously #9) - Counselor John from Camp Candy. Camp Candy had to be one of the lamer creations of an over-weight, moderately funny comedian. Now he's dead and Camp Candy is no more. Our children are so deprived. I think the playoffs will also be deprived of the Dump Tanks. Davis is 1-4 over his last 5.


#12 Aaron (1-7, W1, 96.1 avg, Previously #11) - Tenderheart Bear from the Care Bears. Aaron won a game!! He's also lost 7. That's tough to swallow, but you'll never see anything but a smile on his face! The ultimate optimist is having fun, even if he's not winning. He's also quite cuddly, I've heard anyway...

Week 5 Power Rankings: The Hot Dog Vendor

"Step right up, hunny. Shelby's got a present for ya!!"

So this BS has been going on for 5 weeks and I've done nothing but complain about it. It's Shelby's team. It started with what seemed like by far the worst pick of the first round (P. Manning) and progressed to the Chocolate Hot Dogs eeking out wins against crappy, disgusting, horrid, putrid, ugly, lazy, terrible competition. I said this team was farce. Now I'm the one eating crow. Not only has Shelby's team done well, they haven't lost! Well, a big Chocolate Hot Dog in my face! Shelby is where he finally deserves to be, right near the top of the power rankings.

#1 Melvin (5-0, W5, Previously #1) - There's not a whole lot to say here. Melvin continues to mow down the opponents, though his margin of victory has been getting a little tighter. Kurt Warner is making everyone say "Tom who?" Even when he has a turnover barrage like he did against the Jets, he's still putting up 20+ points on a regular basis. He's at home against a suspect Cowboys pass defense this week.

#2 Shelby (5-0, W5, Previously #5) - I've already said what I need to say. Shelby is pretty much already in the playoffs. Last year's 7 and 8 seeds had 6 wins, so now it's a matter of who he'll play in the winners bracket, not if.

#3 Hefty (4-1, W3, Previously #3) - Romo is starting to make me nervous, but this team is solid all around and thus far has been able to avoid slipping from bye weeks and injuries. Westbrook's long term availability is a major area of concern.

#4 Jordan (4-1, W4, Previously #6) - I was Jordan's most recent whipping boy and let me tell you, it wasn't any fun. The running back situation is tenuous as Maroney is looking like a major first round bust to this point. If Isaac Bruce continues on his trek to the fountain of youth, it could push the Sharts even higher.

#5 Rich (3-2, W1, Previously #4) - This is almost by default that Rich ends up here and still in the top 5. He's the last of the teams with a winning record, parody be damned!!

#6 Craig (2-3, L1, Previously #9) - The muddled middle of our league has no real leader, but this is my column and I'm putting myself here for fun and to make someone else feel like shit. Big weeks are needed out of the RBs and WRs once again as the QB carousel reached it's 4th different starter last week.

#7 Mike (2-3, L1, Previously #8) - I continue to be amazed by the Skidmark misfortune. Still a playoff team, in my opinion. You're also below me because you spent 10 days boning in Cabo, asshole.

#8 Shawn (2-3, L2, Previously #7) - Since we last visited, Oops! has dropped two straight without much of a fight. Larry Johnson and Marshawn Lynch byes may spell further doom in week 6.

#9 Davis (2-3, L2, Previously #2) - This is probably way too low. I forgot I had him ranked #2 after week 3. Oops and double oops. Big problems for Adam, as he's posted only 69 and 85 points in consecutive weeks. Good thing for Adam is LT is starting to put together some solid games.

#10 Jonesy (1-4, W1, Previously #12) - Anal wins! Anal wins! Anal wins! Well, someone had to. He beat Dave in a battle of the bottom dwellers and moves himself out of the power ranking basement. Kyle Orton might be the pick-up of the season so far.

#11 Aaron (0-5, L5, Previously #11) - I like Aaron. He's cute.

#12 Dave (0-5, L5, Previously #10) - I like Dave too, but let's face it, he stinks at fantasy football. Non-titans collide in week 9 as Dave and Aaron finally play to see who's the worst in our league.

Week 2 Power Rankings: The Chef Comes Calling

This way to the sausage buffet!!

Week 2 has come and gone, so it's time to roll out the power rankings. Someone unexpected has cooked up a 2-0 record. Sick of cliches!? Too bad. I'm laying them on think in this one.


#1. Melvin (2-0, W2, Previously #4) I cannot emphasize how impressed I am that Melvin is winning without Tom Brady. He's taking whatever is laying around in the kitchen and making a feast fit for a king. Brandon Marshall and Kurt Warner have to continue to carry this team. He looks to roll to 3-0 with a match-up against Jerod's Mayo this week.

#2. Rich (2-0, W2, Previously #6) Rich poked, hammered and tenderized my ass all weekend. He smoked the Blow (?!) by 50 points on the strength of Cutler and Giants D. The team originally ranked dead last in the first power rankings has risen to the top faster than whipping cream. He faces a tough match-up against Jordan's Sharts in week 3.

#3. Hefty (1-1, L1, Previously #2) Hefty was severely hamstrung by the Texans/Ravens postponement. He lost out on two #1 targets in Andre Johnson and Derrick Mason and still put up more points than 5 other teams. This is a solid team with balance. A well-rounded meal, if you will. He'll likely bounce back with a game against the sinking Stinkpalmers this week.

#4. Davis (1-1, L1, Previously #3) Adam should be 2-0. He baked the perfect cake and DeSean Jackson brought the wrong icing to the party. That joker cost McNabb at least 6 points. I like this team and I refuse to punish him for this type of BS. Plus, he let us get drunk and abuse his house all weekend, so that's major points in the power rankings.

#5. Mike (1-1, W1, Previously #5) Mike put a notch in the win column and did it with extremely subpar performances from Brees and Moss. This is a team that should be in it as long as the WRs stay healthy. He has a tough match-up against the Dump Tanks this week, so get your snack and drinks ready, it could go down to the wire.

#6. Craig (1-1, L1, Previously #1) I guess I blame myself. I put the bullseye on my back and got taken out with a bazooka. Uncharacteristically bad weeks from Grant and Cotchery doomed me before Sunday was over. Steve Smith comes back from suspension to give this team a shot of espresso. SNL themed teams collide as Colon Blow takes on Oops! I Crapped My Pants.

#7. Jordan (1-1, W1, Previously #8) Jordan rebounded from a horrible week 1 and put up 50 more points in his second go-round. After being turned away at the church potluck dinner for bringing week-old meatloaf, he manned up and cooked up something fresh for the good folks of the congregation. He's might have some trouble on his hands in the next few weeks as his running back situation is very suspect with injuries to Peterson and Maroney.

#8. Shelby (2-0, W2, Previously #7) See Adam's ranking. Shelby should have lost this game. He has yet to break 100. You can only make a porterhouse look like filet mignon for so long. The true colors of this team will be on display soon enough.

#9. Shawn (1-1, W1, Previously #10) Shawn put a mediocre menu out in week 2 and it was enough to get some 2 star reviews. He's still smarting from the Ocho Cinco bizarro world, but the rest of his team is looking ok. If McFadden can continue to put up points, he can probably strengthen his WR corp through a trade. He faces the Stinkpalmers in week 3.

#10. Aaron (0-2, L2, Previously #12) Although Burrito Rice is winless on the young season, they showed some life in week 2, going over 100 points. It was a major turn-around from week 1. I still haven't seen enough to make me think this is a playoff team.

#11. Deewan (0-2, L2, Previously #9) The lack of running back depth really hurt Dave in week 2. I like his week 3 match ups, but you really can judge a restaurant by it's menu, you have to taste the food. He has a shot to move up in the next couple weeks and make the playoffs like I expect him to.

#12. Jonesy (0-2, L2, Previously #11) Jerod's Mayo doesn't taste good on sandwiches, hamburgers, potato salad or egg salad. It probably only tastes good to the stripper he's banging. How long will he stick with the Carson Palmer experiment? This team is bad right now, but I still love you, buddy.

Week 1 Power Rankings: The Shart Edition

I have actual turds that look better than this guy.

It's time to delve into the power rankings after week 1. Just accept right now that you're not going to agree with me and deal with it. I don't really care. It's fun to piss you all off.

#1 Craig (1-0, Previously #2) Well, based on the last power rankings not written by me, I was the highest ranked player that won. Therefore I pronounce my emergence as the top ranked poo-man in the dung power rankings. I'm here and I'm not leaving until I lose, which will probably be next week.

#2 Hefty (1-0, Previously #4) John stormed out of his hairy-hatchet wound obsession to set a squad that outscored all others in week one. An impressive feat for sure. Whether or not it continues, remains to be seen.

#3 Davis (1-0, Previously #3) Steady, steady, steady. Adam wins and it's week 1, so I can't really move him down. The win wasn't overly impressive, but a win is a win.

#4 Melvin (1-0, Previously #7) Probably the most tenuous position in the rankings, Melvin finds himself a winner by going over the century mark, but find his stud QB injured and dropped for the season. Will his assumptive mediocre running backs be able to carry the load for the fallen savior? I'm not banking on it, but stranger things have happened.

#5 Mike (0-1, Previously #5) Mike's team put up pimp numbers and I'm giving him a break in the rankings because he's about to break his strong bachelor hand in half in two weeks. He played all the right guys except for DeSean Jackson. Had he done so, he'd be moving up instead of remaining idle.

#6 Rich (1-0, Previously #12) Rich is the biggest mover in week one thanks to his boisterous response to Hefty's overly critical innitial ranking. Dropping perhaps the best QB on his squad is questionable, but he won and it wasn't close.

#7 Shelby (1-0, Previously #11) Another big mover here, but only because he won. I don't see that happening very often this year. When it's all said and done I think he'll miss the playoffs again, but what do I know?

#8 Jordan (0-1, Previously, #1) Oh what a tumble. Jordache's team didn't show up at all. Housh, Cooley, Maroney, Coles and Colts D combined for 13 points. Not going to win many with that type of production.

#9 Deewan (0-1, Previously #8) I picked Dave to win in week one and he severely let me down. Anderson was a bitch and McGahee didn't even see the field. The rest of his team was actually pretty respectible. I think Dave will end up in the playoffs for the first time in recent fantasy memory.

#10 Shawn (0-1, Previously #6) Shawn lost to the #12 team in last weeks power rankings. The Eddie Royal experiement starts in week 2.

#11 Jonesy (0-1, Previously #10) Carson Palmer and Wes Welka were huge let downs in the first week of action. Hopefully Jonesy will lose again and then I can put his Patriot-loving ass in last place. SUMMMMMMMMER ALE!

#12 Aaron (0-1, Previously #9) Not much of a fight from Burrito Rice in week 1. Aaron scored the fewest points and doesn't show much promise of improving. Only one true starting tailback and no bonafide #1 receiver will make it tough sledding all year. I don't think Roethlisberger will throw enough to propel the rice to the top.

Pulling A Favre

I'm following my heart and going out on top.
Or am I?????

OK. You came here expecting draft grades. But I've got an unfortunate site announcement. Brace yourself.

I don't think I've got it in me this year. I'm hanging up my blogging shoes.

Why? A number of reasons, which I'll now list in no particular order:

1. My work situation: When I ran this site last year, I was working in a doublewide up in rural Bath where I had a direct supervisor about two days a week. Now, I'm in our main office, and can't even keep Hotmail up for 30 seconds without a vice president gliding down the hall and checking out my 22" monitor to make sure I'm getting my TPS reports done in time. Trust me, I did a LOT of the blogging at work last year, and it's just not possible now.

2. The house: Frankly, when I come home from work, there's a lot of shit to do. I can't justify spending 90 minutes on Bajingos and Sasquatches while there's lighting fixtures to hang and boxes to unpack.

3. The letdown factor: Last year was the best year of my illustrious fantasy career, and I won my first ever championship. Blogging along the way made it even more fun, but I'm worried I can't top the experience, and if I'm not into it, the work will suck.

4. My dear readers: You deserve the finest quality blog your non-money can buy. I worry that I'm out of jokes, out of outrageous Google Image photos, and out of Karate Kid YouTube videos. I don't want to be giving you a run of the mill site, and that's probably what you'd be getting.

5. Kal Penn: The last two movies I saw with him in it sucked. "Epic Movie" and "Bachelor Party Vegas" were so lame that I worry that I may be starting to sour on everybody's favorite Bengali Bombshell.

6. The wife: I've got some serious banging to do.

So, that's the deal. If you hated the blog, this is good news. If you enjoyed the blog, I apologize. I do however promise the same high quality material you've come to expect from every group e-mail I send.

As a parting gift, I will offer you my abbreviated preseason post-draft power rankings, with limited commentary where necessary. Enjoy.

1. Jordan - Manning/Favre is a pretty good combo, even if I hate them both with all my soul. He's also got a guy who could have been the #1 pick at #3, Adrian Peterson. If Peterson is healthy, Jordan's the top team.

2. Craig - I hate the QB's, but Marion Barber and Ryan Grant is the best combo backfield of any team in the league.

3. Davis - Tomlinson leads the way, but there's a lot of high ceiling guys here like MoJo Drew, McNabb and Marques Colston. Kellen Winslow is a double digit touchdown guy this year, no question about it.

4. Hefty - I took the homer route and picked Westbrook. Then in the next round, I went polar opposite and took the face of my least favorite franchise in all of sports, Tony Romo. That's called hedging your bets, and it basically means I'm a pussy.

5. Mike - I think Drew Brees will end up with the best QB stats in the league this year. I also love the WR-WR strategy to get Moss and Braylon Edwards, however, as you can guess, it means he's starting two warm corpses at RB.

6. Shawn - This year, Shawn rolls with the hot rooks at running back, Darren Mc Fadden and Jonathan Stewart. He's also got Marshawn Lynch and Larry Johnson. Very deep team, with only one torn labrum standing between him and an excellent draft.

7. Melvin - I obviously love the Tom Brady pick, but the rest of the team has a lot of holes. Still, Melvin should definitely win more than one matchup this year.

8. Deewaan - I'm not a real big Derek Anderson guy, but this team is well drafted, with a lot of quality starters and some backups with potential to contribute.

9. Aaron - Overall, a smart draft, with a couple of hiccups. He handcuffed Portis with Betts, and if Marvin Harrison can keep his hands off of firearms this season, he could be the steal of the draft.

10. Jonesy - I'm hoping TO has a big year now that I have Romo, and I think the other starting wideouts are solid as well. A lot of reaches in the draft, but overall, not bad for a first effort in the league.

11. Shelby - I think Peyton is going to have a down year. He may not be ready for Week 1, and there's questions about MarHar. I don't love the running backs here, and I don't even like the wide receivers.

12. Rich - What a difference a year makes. Last year's preseason number 1 finds himself at the bottom of the rankings as he rolls out a baffling draft strategy. Three mediocre quarterbacks, only three running backs, two tight ends and two defenses. Must have been a fun honeymoon.

So there you have it. My first and possibly last posting of the season. If something big happens, I may chime in at some point during the season, but for now, I'm happy to watch this season from the sidelines and just enjoy riding my tractor in Mississippi with a fresh new pair of Wranglers.

So How Bad Did I Screw Up??

This might get a little awkward...

So way back before anybody had played a meaningful game, I took my best guess at figuring out who was going to suck and who was going to have a good season. This is difficult at best. Right after the draft, mostly everybody's team looked good on paper (except one), so I was basically picking out of a hat.
But we here at ALSAP are not above seeing our faults, so let's take a look back at the first edition of the Power Rankings, and compare them to where everybody stands now. Feel free to point and laugh where necessary. We'll go in the exact order of the playoff seedings for convenience's sake.

1. Rich (Preseason #1)
Well, well, well. Maybe I'm not so stupid. We're off to a good start. Maybe I overvalued Reggie Bush, but I'm still happy I nailed the #1 team.

2. Jordan (Preseason #11)
Well now! That feeling didn't last very long, did it! In my defense: 1) He's the second seed due to winning his division, which is a technicality, 2) He traded for Peyton Manning, which drastically altered the future of his team. Still, I was way off on J-Ying. Although I did say Benson would stink and Winslow would be a stud.

3. Shawn (Preseason #4)
Not too shabby. I like the prediction I made on Moss here: "Randy Moss is either totally washed up or about to cement himself as a top-tier wideout. If he can't be a playmaker in New England, then he can't make an impact anywhere. I like this team's chances though." You see how I didn't commit so I could be right either way? That's seasoned journalism.

4. Hefty (Preseason #2)
Another pick right in the ballpark. I overestimated how good LT, Palmer and Steve Smith would be, but I severely underestimated how good Adrian and Braylon would be. So it evened out.

5. Slimmy (Preseason #7)
Nice call on Larry Johnson sucking. I'll admit, this team ended up being way better than I thought. The only reason I didn't put Paul lower is because I didn't want it to look like I hated the Davis Bros. It didn't work; this ended up happening a few short weeks later.

6. Aaron (Preseason #5)
OK, I'm actually pretty impressed with myself at this point. This team was underwhelming at times, but did enough early in the season to grab a playoff spot. I still say it's 1-'n'-Dun for A-Rep.

7. Craig (Preseason #8)
Nailed another one. Had I any idea that Vince Young would stink worse than a proctologist's fingernails, I would have had this team down in the double digits. At the time, I had been playing massive amounts of Madden with the Titans, and worshipped the ground VY walked upon.

8. Adam (Preseason #12)
OK, I was definitely wrong on this one. I thought Adam would have to wait a long time before anybody took the Manning/Brady bait, and it turns out he was able to do this fairly quickly and turn the team around. Nicely done, sir.

9. Mike (Preseason #6)
I bought into the Kitna hype. The wheels fell off that bandwagon pretty quickly, didn't they? The early Deuce McAllister injury was pretty devestating, too.

10. Shelby (Preseason #9)
Right on. I thought Edge James was washed up, but he ended up with a nice year. Same with Favre. How exactly did you finish out of the playoffs? You had the #4 QB, #4 and #9 RB, #6 TE, #2 D/ST...what the hell happened here? Oh, I've got an idea. You also had the #1 waiver spot all freaking season long. Next year try making a move or two.

11. Dave (Preseason #3)
Yikes. Way off on this one. Chances are that I wrote this column after a cuddling session on Poodle Beach. Because I don't know how I didn't see the warning signs here. Here's what I wrote on Dave's first two picks: "Steven Jackson and Drew Brees are arguably top two at each of their positions. That sort of thing comes in handy. " Yes. It would have come in handy if it were true, but it was actually a giant bag of hideous lies.

12. Melvin (Preseason #10)
I hated Ronnie Brown, but he ended up being one of the only bright spots of the season for Melvin. See, even when I'm right, it's for the wrong reasons.

So there you have it. I have to say I didn't do too badly. If I could have swapped Jordan and Dewaan, I would have been amazingly accurate. Since that's the case, I owe it to you to offer my playoff picks.

Round 1:
-Junk Jabbers def. MPJs
-Bear Grylls def. McLovin
-Cripplers def. Dizeez Nuts
-Death Knell def. Kim Jong Il

Round 2:
-Bear Grylls def. Junk Jabbers
-Death Knell def. Cripplers

Finals:
-Bear Grylls def. Death Knell (Championship game)
-Junk Jabbers def. Cripplers (3rd place game)