I love this year's four division wrinkle. I think it's going to make some new rivalries, and a lot of exciting match-ups down the stretch. In lieu of my normal 1-12 post-draft Power Rankings, I'm going to preview each division and make my prediction for who takes the automatic playoff bid this season. Up first are the Asshats.
You better be taking this serious, jerkoff, you're Mike's #1 WR.
MIKE: Although he was the second (ed: third, thanks Craigger) QB taken, Aaron Rodgers is the safest pick among quarterbacks, and is the kind of player who can singlehandedly win weeks. That's going to have to be the case here because I can't see the wide receivers helping the cause too much. Steve Johnson was a guy I was targeting late as a WR3. I love the occasional multi-touchdown games, the Joker persona he's adopted, and the Twitter tirades. But there's no chance he's a WR1 in any fantasy league. Somebody made an awesome joke at the live draft yesterday: "I'm always excited when I play a team with Santana Moss in the starting lineup." That awesome jokester, dear readers, WAS ME. Having Gates is like having an extra WR, but in this case, there's too much to overcome here. Mike's running back situation (Turner, SJax) can be devastating at times, and can be sitting in the ice bath nursing injuries at times. I don't think this team has the horses to take the division, but a playoff spot is a strong possibility if Steven Jackson stays healthy.
Eyerape. The world's most gentle, consensual kind of rape.
AARON: Big Ben was a sneaky good value for where he went in the draft. He could easily finish with Rivers-Brees type points and I wouldn't be surprised one bit. FOUR Pittsburgh receivers got drafted yesterday, which either means Roethlisberger's going to be throwing a ton or we're all terrible at picking players. I'd drown a pit bull to have Aaron's running back tandem, Forte going one spot before my third round pick made me audibly curse at the dinner table. I think the best way to describe Aaron's wide receiving crew is not overly talented but deep. There's a lot of good WR3 options behind VJax (second Jax nickname this post!!), and Dallas Clark will be a catch machine either as Peyton's favorite target, or Kerry Collins' security blanket. I like this team over Mike's, I'll say that much for now.
Ladies and Gentlemen: The first ever scratch-and-sniff picture on The Heftington Post. Gently scratch Mr. Benson's face on your monitor to unleash the lovely scent of bong water.
SHELBY: Brady was a reach. Guess what, he's still Tom Brady. Big deal. Peyton Hillis was almost definitely a reach. But he finished second in RB points last year while playing for the awful Browns. It's the Cedric Benson pick here that worries me the most. If the Bengals average 10 points per game this season I'd be surprised. That's gotta be one of the worst offenses ever to set foot in an NFL stadium. They're young where you want experience (QB, top WR), and old where you want youth (RB). My foolproof strategy this year was to not pick any Bengals. I was trying to tack Cedric Benson onto every trade proposal I made last year and you would have thought I was asking people if they wanted to snort a line of anthrax. I feel like I could blog for the next two or three hours and still not have done a good enough job conveying how much I dislike Cedric Benson for fantasy purposes this year. If I must move on, I don't particularly love the WRs here, but they're probably the tallest midget in this division. Wait a minute, is that AJ Green? Another Bengal? GAH SHELBY'S GOT THE PLAGUE!!
YOUR 2011 ASSHAT DIVISION CHAMPION: Aaron. I'm feeling pretty confident on that one.
