Week 8 Power Rankings: Welcome To The Morgue, Y'ALL!!!

Some silence, please. We're paying our final respects.

Ashes to ashes.
Dust to dust.
Dear readers, we're gathered here today to mourn the tragic passing of a young man's fantasy season. In that casket, the Hairy Areolas now rest, eternally. The woman you see weeping heavily in a black dress is the Areolas widow, Mr. Craig Fritz. You see, friends, once upon a time not so long ago, Craig and the Areolas were the hot power couple of the Westside Fantasy League. The Areolas were freshly adorned with all the finest wide receivers in the land, and their bride was the commissioner of a blossoming league, the envy of many gentlemen callers.
But behind the scenes, all was not well. There were rumors that Craig had been having an ilicit affair with an unnamed, and untrained, Chef. After that, it was rumored that Ms. Fritz was more concerned with winning Pick 'Em games than spending time with her Areolas. Things began to unravel between the Areolas and Madam Fritz. The jilted lovers dropped into a deep funk, and lost five straight games, all while claiming the Low Man trophy an inconceivable 4 out of the past 5 weeks. As of this past weekend, there was just no fight left in the Areolas. At 7:00 PM, Sunday night, the Areolas finally succumbed to a long, crippling, bout of Super AIDS, and now shall find rest in eternal slumber.
Ashes to ashes.
Dust to dust.

1. Canadian Cripplers (7-1, W4, Previous #1)
The Anti-Fritz. Alex Smith is the latest horrendous quarterback to grab the reigns of this thundering steed. Scooped up on waivers, he'll likely take over for one week, at which time, Shawn will turn things back over to Brian Griese. Or Cleo Lemon. Or Sage Rosenfels. Or Ryan Leaf.
Sidenote: If I had to describe the Chris Henry signing in one word, it would be this: shrewd. Clever, isn't it? I coined that phrase, you know.

2. Hawaii McLovin (6-2, W1, Previous #3)
Clinton Portis's reaction on the sideline during the Boston Massacre on Sunday was priceless. If can read minds with surprising accuracy, so I'm pretty certain he was saying "Hmmm, so THIS is why people hated us when we ran up the score at Miami."
Sidenote: Anthony Gonzalez is flattered that you still have him on your team, but even he thinks it's time to cut the cord. In two weeks with Marvin out, Tony Gonzalez II caught 1 pass for 16 yards.

3. Chicago Bear Grylls (5-3, W1, Previous #5)
I have nothing to say about my team that hasn't already been said, so I'll use this opportunity to tell you that I am extremely disappointed that I haven't received more trade offers this season. I think Mike was the only one to bring a trade up, and we made something happen lickity-split. Trust me, if any owner in this league is going to make a trade just because he's bored, it's me. I have the attention span of an 11 year old after he's eaten half his Halloween candy. I'm just surprised I haven't seen any "Bobby Engram and Jamal Lewis for Adrian Peterson"-esque trade proposals. I expect more from you guys.

4. DizeeeeeZ NUTZ (6-2, L1, Previous #2)
A funny thing happens when you check out these Player Rankings on ESPN.com. For some reason, Roddy White shows up as the 17th best receiver in the league. Now, you and I are all sane people and we can logically deduce that nobody as naturally unskilled as Roddy White could be ranked that high, especially when his quarterbacks have been Joey Harrington and Byron Leftwich. It's impossible, right?
Then you click on his profile and it says "Here's the one Falcon worth staring week in and week out." Huh????? I know I certainly don't follow every NFL team as closely as I could (i.e. Jacksonville...), but seriously, when did this happen?? How did this happen? I was completely flabbergasted.
And that's why it's time to play America's Favorite Blogging Party Game: "Hefty gets PWN3D by an untalented wide receiver."
This week's contestant is Roddy White of Atlanta. I currently have a 0-3 record, provoking the fury of Jerry Porter, Patrick Crayton, and Reggie Williams. Step on up, Rowdy Roddy. You need 1 TD or 75+ yards to notch a win.

5. Jabroc Junk Jabbers (5-3, L1, Previous #4)
Reggie Bush is finally starting to gel, picking up between 12 and 17 points in each of his last 5 games. Laurence Maroney has no rushing touchdowns (or any touchdowns, for that matter) on the season, yet New England's quarterbacks scored THREE rushing touchdowns last game! How does that work? How do you play your starters nearly the entire game, and score 34 points or more every game, and your top running back hasn't found the end zone yet? And yes, he was dinged up for a while, but that's still not a good sign.

6. Bisbee Ball Maulers (4-4, W2, Previous #7)
The best tight end duo in the league. Antonio Gates and Greg Olsen. Greg Olsen is everything Vernon Davis should be, but isn't. Derek Anderson, Willie Parker, and Marshawn Lynch round out a very solid backfield appetizer sampler platter. Jerry Porter had a season high four catches on Sunday, which should immediately tell you everything you need to know about Jerry Porter, but were afraid to ask.
Starting the Cowboys defense this weekend is a sports fan crime punishable by death. You know better than that!!! Do you really want to be rewarded every time Dallas gets a turnover or a sack? For shame, Walbsy, for shame.

7. License To Kim Jong Il (4-4, L3, Previous #6)
Jordaroo has dropped three straight since I dubbed him the number 1 team in the land, but I still consider him a playoff-caliber team. It would help his argument if Shaun Alexander could have a solid game, and playing Cleveland this weekend is a perfectly good opportunity to do so.
Sidenote: I'd also like to take this time to publicly approve of Gina, Jordan's ladyfriend. I've never met her, but apparently she takes no offense to the Kim Jong Il team name, and from pictures I saw of Kurtoween, she also makes a lovely looking Luigi (of Mario & Luigi fame). Good work, you bald sack of bald.

8. Delaware Ding Dong Danglers (3-5, W2, Previous #9)
This is the part of the story where I tell you some gay wedding story about me and Dave. This used to be fun for me, but then I realized that Dave never played along, and now I'm considering not doing any gay stuff with him at my wedding at all. But I still want to regale you with tales of my wedding. So here we go.
I booked my honeymoon tonight. So far, this was the most enjoyable step of wedding planning. I and a guest of my choosing (traditionally the bride, but nothing's set in stone) will head off to the mystical island nation of Antigua for nine days, where we will snorkel in crystal blue waters, dance the nights away at vibrant night clubs, and drink rum that was equal parts donkey urine and Splenda only days ago. It shall be glorious.
I know what you're thinking..."But who will blog in your stead?!" And to that, I say..."I will. With Craig's corporate Blackberry which I steal during the reception."
Football: Dave, offer me nearly any trade that involves LenDale White and I'll probably do it. Leverage be damned. I've been dying to get my hands on that tub of goo since he was at USC.

9. Holidaysburg's MPJs (2-6, L1, Previously #8)
Adam having Tom Brady is the fantasy football equivalent of Canada having a nuclear bomb. Sure, they've got a nuclear bomb, which is scary and all, but on the other hand, it's only Canada.
Sidenote: I'm no fisherman, and I normally detest outdoorsman-type stories since they're all I hear at work, but I've got to say salmon fishing sounds pretty effin cool. Salmon's pretty much the greatest food that you can eat without preparing or cooking, so there's the instant gratification factor. I imagine you put a worm on your hook, throw your line in, pluck a salmon out, drizzle some maple syrup on it, take a big bite out of it, and then get ready to bait your hook again. Although, I would like this sport more if it involved fending off bears while you fish. That would sort of be like a biathalon.

10. Pocket T Bags (3-5, W1, Previously #11)
This seems like a good time to point out that it's conceivable that all six Decepticons teams could make the playoffs. You Autobots are straight up carnival trash.
Meanwhile, Brett Favre had another miraculous Monday Night game. This can't be good. This means Favre will spend another season going through the Roger Clemens game where he makes us guess whether he's coming back to the NFL, or sticking to the backyard pickup games with the rest of his buddies from the Wrangler commercials.

11. Larry Craig Fritzes (1-7, L5, Previously #10)
Admittedly, I was the second dumbest kid in my Stat 401 class at Penn State. The dumbest kid was a girl named Bethany who sat next to me and copied off my homework before we turned it in every day. However, despite my rudimentary understanding of standard deviations and row echelon matrices, I feel confident in proclaiming that it is next to impossible that any team could have scored so many points and had so few wins to show for it. This is absolutely just the worst possible luck I've ever seen. If we do end up in Vegas again, I'm staying at least 4 blackjack tables away from you.

12. Hairy Areolas (2-6, L5, Previously #12)
All mock funerals aside, you do still have a chance to emerge from the grave this season and make the playoffs. You're really only 1 game out, and this roster can probably be salvaged. But what you need is a regime change. Fire the coach, fire the GM, change the uniforms, and change the team name. Listen, I loved the name as much as anybody else. But it doesn't strike fear into your leaguemates. You need a new badass persona. It worked for Cassius Clay (aka Muhammad Ali), it worked for Lew Alcindor (aka Kareem Abdul-Jabbar), it can work for you. Shed the Areolas persona and embrace your glorious future. Plus, even if it's a terrible name, it can only be second worst.

Mock Lobster: Shawn Hussein (Pick #12)

It seems like he'd score more touchdowns on his feet, but I'm only a stupid blogger. What do I know?!

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Mock Draft Pick #12: Shawn Hussein selects Reggie Bush, RB, NO

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2006 Rushing Stats: 155 carries, 565 yards, 6 touchdowns

2006 Receiving Stats: 88 catches, 742 yards, 2 touchdowns

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When fate, destiny, and Bucks Run Dryer #4 hand you the twelfth pick, you've got to make lemonade. So it makes sense to try to hit a homerun with a guy like Reggie Bush over a less talented, yet more proven, commodity. And Reggie Bush is certainly a homerun threat. It's pretty amazing that for 88 catches, he only had two touchdowns to show for it. A quick glance at last year's stats show that of all players to catch at least 70 passes, Reggie actually had the fewest receiving touchdowns. (Look at that, I did real research!!!) And a player with Reggie Bush's open field ability should easily be able to correct that in 2007. With another 75 catches, he should be able to turn at least 5 of them into touchdowns this year, and I imagine he'll pick up another 5 on the ground. His rushing yardage should also improve, as he had a vastly better yards per carry over the final 8 games of 2006. Overall, Bush is well worth the risk of being a first round pick, even though he won't be the only running back in New Orleans getting time.

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Just be sure to grab Deuce McAllister with pick #13, Shawn. Play it safe.

Mock Lobster: Rich Ely (Pick #11)

Good sir, I applaud you on a flawless Heisman pose.

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Mock Draft Pick #11: Rich Ely selects Rudi Johnson, RB, Cin

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2006 Rushing Stats: 341 carries, 1309 yards, 12 touchdowns

2005 Rushing Stats: 337 carries, 1458 yards, 12 touchdowns

2004 Rushing Stats: 361 carries, 1454 yards, 12 touchdowns

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Do you like running backs who rush for exactly 12 touchdowns in a season? If so, this is your pick. Look at Rudi's totals for the past three years again. That's almost statistically impossible. The man is a damn cyborg. So who do I allocate him to? Of course it would be Rich Ely, our league's resident Japanese-American. Listen, the Japanese are a wonderful, industrious people, but sometimes they get a little boring on us. Honda, Toyota, Nissan, they're all fine automobiles. But they'll all do exactly the same thing: get good gas mileage, drive for 225,000 miles, and then fall apart. You know exactly what you're getting the second you buy it. There's no surprises. Basically, you're buying Rudi Johnson. So while I've just made what seems to be my tenth borderline racist remark of the preseason towards Asians, what I'm really trying to say, is that he's got himself a sweet new Nissan to drive around for the next five months.

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And if you really need a reason to think I'm racist, head over to All Look Same, fire up "Smiley Faces" by Gnarls Barkley, and take Exam 1: Faces.

Mock Lobster: Matt Melvin (Pick #10)

This picture and an empty bottle of Crown Royal are the only reminders I have that the Eagles actually made the Super Bowl in my lifetime.

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Mock Draft Pick #10: Matt Melvin selects Brian Westbrook, RB, Phi

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2006 Rushing Stats: 240 carries, 1217 yards, 7 touchdowns

2006 Receiving Stats: 77 catches, 699 yards, 4 touchdowns

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At this point in the mock draft, the next few guys off the board are pretty much going to give you the same thing. So if you're an Eagles fan, why not just take the guy you can watch 16 games a year and actually get excited when he gets in the end zone? Not that Westbrook's stats are pedestrian. His 11 touchdowns and 1900 total yard effort in '06 was easily the best of his career. In fact, prior to 2006, Westbrook had never gotten over 200 carries in a season, and never put up 1000 yards rushing. But what he lacks in carries, he'll often repay you catching the ball. The Eagles, despite the argument from local radio kingpin Howard Eskin, are notorious for throwing far more often than they run, even when they have a game in hand. That's actually one of the few drawbacks to owning Westbrook and being an Eagles fan. When the Eagles are up 27-10, you want to see Westbrook carrying the ball, padding his stats, not 5 yard outs to Matt Schobel. But I digress. Westbrook is certainly a top-10 fantasy talent, and as long as he and McNabb can stay healthy, he should perform to expectations. One new area of concern for 2007 is the presence of our boy Tony Hunt, who may end up cleaning up around the goal line and stealing some of the Eagles' rushing TD opportunities. I'd look for another 1600+ yard season from Brian, with maybe 8-9 touchdowns sprinkled in.

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And if he stinks this year, I'll go through a couple extra bottles of Crown Royal. It's a win-win!

Mock Lobster: Craig Fritz (Pick #9)

It's the greatest job in all of sports; lining up directly behind Tom Brady's firm, tight, glutes; listening intently for his approval to come charging towards him; and bursting towards the hole as your eyes finally meet. If it were me, I'd weep after every single play.
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Mock Draft Pick #9: Craig Fritz selects Laurence Maroney, RB, NE

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2006 Rushing Stats: 175 carries, 745 yards, 6 touchdowns

2006 Receiving Stats: 22 catches, 194 yards, 1 touchdown

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Laurence Maroney had a solid rookie year, learning the ropes from Corey Dillon, who has since retired. New England's offense has undergone a major overhaul this offseason, welcoming in the likes of Randy Moss, Donte Stallworth, and Wes Welker. The Patriots look phenomenal on paper this season, which could mean a lot of early leads and second half carries for Maroney. Laurence is currently nursing injuries but is on track for a return by opening day. As an added bonus, Maroney has also gained an incredible amount of popularity on the internet for his coining of the phrase "construda", which can best be documented on Kissing Suzy Kolber. I would expect Laurence to greatly improve on his yardage totals now that he's a one man show in the backfield, but the amount of weapons Tom Brady has to work with could ultimately limit his touchdowns.

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Fun fact: Laurence Maroney's areola hair is also dreadlocked, making him a perfect fit on Craig's roster.

Mock Lobster: Adam Davis (Pick #8)

Cut that meat!

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Mock Draft Pick #8: Adam Davis selects Peyton Manning, QB, Ind

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2006 Passing Statistics: 362 completions, 4397 yards, 31 touchdowns

2006 Rushing Statistics: 23 carries, 36 yards, 4 touchdowns

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Adam was already the most likely guy to take Peyton Manning in the first round, but having the eigth pick pretty much sealed the deal. It's right about the cutoff point where most of the sure fire backs are off the board, so Manning would be a pretty good value pick here. Manning has never missed a start as an NFL quarterback, which is an amazing statement in itself. In fact, while you were reading that last sentence, Donovan McNabb tore both his triceps and pulled a quad. Manning is also extremely consistent. He's never thrown for fewer than 26 touchdowns in a season, and holds the NFL single season record for tossing 49 TD's in 2004. Manning is a goofy bastard, there's no arguing that, but by the time he retires, there's a good chance he could be remembered as the greatest quarterback to play the game. With the usual suspects (Marvin Harrison, Reggie Wayne, Dallas Clark) still around in the passing game, plus first round pick Anthony Gonzalez, there's no reason to expect anything else out of Peyton but another league leading season.

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And if the situation called for it, he'd kill a snitch.

Mock Lobster: Mike Walbert (Pick #7)

When you think Indianapolis Colts, you think Ben Utecht.

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Mock Draft Pick #7: Mike Walbert selects Ben Utecht, TE, Ind (and definitely not Joseph Addai, RB, Ind)

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Ben Utecht 2006 Receiving Stats: 37 catches, 377 yards, 0 touchdowns

Joseph Addai 2006 Rushing Stats: 226 carries, 1081 yards, 7 touchdowns

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If you look at the above numbers, it's a no brainer that you'd want to pick Ben Utecht at #7. Not Joseph Addai. While Addai may have had a great rookie year splitting carries with Dominic Rhodes, who has since left for Oakland, you'd be crazy to pick him seventh overall. Most scouts agree that Utecht is the key player to watch in this dynamic Indianapolis offense. Sure, Joseph Addai may have put up 143 yards in a breakout Super Bowl performance, but Ben Utecht caught 1 pass for 8 yards in the same game. That's nothing to sneeze at. Utecht also caught 18 passes for first downs last season, and that means Peyton Manning will look his way early and often next year. And as long as Manning is throwing to Utecht, he certainly won't be handing off to Addai. No, there's almost no reason at all to mention Joseph Addai in this preview of Mike's selection, who I'm 99.9% sure will be Ben Utecht.

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Unless he takes Joseph Addai instead.

Mock Lobster: Jordan Yingling (Pick #6)

Frank's brother, former Vice President Al Gore, hot on the trail of Manbearpig.

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Mock Draft Pick #6: Jordan Yingling selects Frank Gore, RB, SF

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2006 Rushing Stats: 312 carries, 1695 yards, 8 touchdowns

2006 Receiving Stats: 61 catches, 485 yards, 1 touchdown

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Frank Gore is a beast between the 20's. In the red zone, though, not so much. In 2oo6, Frank piled up close to 2200 total yards, and had only 9 touchdowns to show for it. After two consecutive drives on which he failed to punch it in from 1st and Goal from the 1 against the Eagles last year, Frank began losing carries to our boy, Michael Robinson. To become an elite fantasy running back, Frank will need to show more toughness punching it in at the goal line. The 49ers made an effort at improving their offense this year, bringing in Darrell Jackson from the rival Seattle Seahawks, which should help stretch the field. The continuing progression of tight end Vernon Davis and quarterback Alex Smith should also help keep defenses from stacking the line of scrimmage to stop the run. Another 2200 yard season may be a stretch, but Gore should put up at least a baker's dozen touchdowns this year in an improved offense.

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By the way, Manbearpigs would be an awesome fantasy team name. Feel free to use it. No need to thank me for the suggestion.

Mock Lobster: Aaron Repucci (Pick #5)

My fiancee shows how she got the nickname "Black Cock Moan".

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Mock Draft Pick #5: Aaron Repucci selects Willie Parker, RB, Pit

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2006 Rushing Stats: 337 carries, 1494 yards, 13 touchdowns

2006 Receiving Stats: 31 catches, 222 yards, 3 touchdowns

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This is the easiest projection for me so far. There's absolutely no way that Aaron uses the #5 pick on anybody other than Fast Willie. Aaron would likely start a roster of all Steelers if it were feasible, but this will suit him just fine. Willie flourished in his first season without Jerome Bettis, averaging 107 yards and 1 touchdown per game. With a healthier Ben Roethlisberger this year, the Steelers offense should have an extra spark that was missing last year, leading to even more scoring chances for Willie. If there's any reason to worry about Parker, it's the fact that the Steelers play Baltimore twice every year. Willie has never scored against the Ravens, and in two games last year, he was only able to rack up 51 total rushing yards. Parker will also have to adjust to a new scheme, with new head coach Mike Tomlin taking over. Some expect that Tomlin will open up the passing attack more than Bill Cowher ever did, but an offense that moves the ball well will still create plenty of scoring chances for Willie.

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Now get the hell off my future wife, you asshole.

Mock Lobster: Shelby Fidler (Pick #4)

Shaun Alexander celebrates at his New Year's Eve party, happy to finally have 2006 behind him.

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Mock Draft Pick #4: Shelby Fidler selects Shaun Alexander, RB, Sea

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2006 Rushing Stats: 252 carries, 896 yards, 7 touchdowns

2005 Rushing Stats: 370 carries, 1880 yards, 27 touchdowns
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Shaun Alexander had an extremely dissapointing 2006 season, mostly due to a fractured bone in his foot which caused him to miss 6 games. Even when healthy, though, he didn't show any of the ability that made him the single season touchdown record holder just one year earlier. He averaged 1.5 fewer yards per carry in '06 than he did in '05 and scored 20 fewer touchdowns on the ground. Who knows the exact reason for Shaun's struggles last year? Maybe it was the loss of All-Pro guard Steve Hutchinson to Minnesota. Maybe it was the Madden Jinx claiming yet another victim. Or maybe, it was the Craig Fritz #1 Pick Jinx. Either way, Alexander's 2006 season seems to be merely a blip on the radar of what has been a phenomenal career. While other running backs on the board at #4 may have the potential to achieve Alexander's 2005 numbers, it seems Alexander will have the most motivation to return to form and put up a solid 2007 season.

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Shaun Alexander is anxiously waiting in the green room practicing his Teabag Dipping technique. Don't let him down, Shelby.

Mock Lobster: Paul Davis (Pick #3)

Chiefs tight end Jason Dunn was choked and beaten minutes after this picture was taken. Sadly, that's just how LJ says thank you for a BJ.

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Mock Draft Pick #3: Paul Davis selects Larry Johnson, RB, KC.

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2006 Rushing Stats: 416 carries, 1789 yards, 17 touchdowns

2006 Recieving Stats: 41 catches, 410 yards, 2 touchdowns

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The big knock on Larry Johnson right now is that he carried the ball an NFL-record 416 times last season. But when combined with his 41 catches, he had 457 touches. Compare that with Steven Jackson's numbers from last year (436 total touches), and that number actually doesn't scare me. What does scare me is the quarterback/offensive line situation in Kansas City. I watch a fair amount of NFL football, and I'm not entirely sure I could pick Brodie Croyle or Damon Huard out of a police lineup. Making matters worse, 12 time Pro Bowl guard Will Shields retired this offseason, which may make the holes a little tighter on the offensive line. And while LJ performed well with Trent Green out of the lineup last year, I just think it's asking too much to have him shoulder the load of the offense for an entire year. Having said all this, Larry, like Priest Holmes before him in Kansas City, is a touchdown fiend, and he will find the end zone one way or the other. I predict the yardage totals fall, but the touchdowns stay right around the same level.

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One more note of concern: Larry has made it known that he will not report to "Stacy Mack 4 Pres" until Paul changes his super lame team name.

Mock Lobster: Dave Wanner (Pick #2)

Steven Jackson celebrates another trip to the endzone!!!

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Mock Draft Pick #2: Dave Wanner selects Steven Jackson, RB, StL.

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2006 Rushing Stats: 346 carries, 1528 yards, 13 touchdowns

2006 Receiving Stats: 90 catches, 806 yards, 3 touchdowns
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After LT comes off the board, there's not much dispute about who's the next best talent in this draft. Jackson is 24 years old and is coming off a season where he put up 2300 total yards and 16 total touchdowns. Those kind of numbers are awesome, and considering he's gotten better each of his first three years in the league, this is one of the safest picks in the draft. I would imagine that Jackson's yardage totals stay about the same, but he's got the potential to be a 20+ total touchdown guy. Jackson has only missed two games due to an injury, and that was in his 2004 rookie year.

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Steven Jackson, you may now feel free to Dangle your Ding Dong!