Week 8 Power Rankings: Welcome To The Morgue, Y'ALL!!!

Some silence, please. We're paying our final respects.

Ashes to ashes.
Dust to dust.
Dear readers, we're gathered here today to mourn the tragic passing of a young man's fantasy season. In that casket, the Hairy Areolas now rest, eternally. The woman you see weeping heavily in a black dress is the Areolas widow, Mr. Craig Fritz. You see, friends, once upon a time not so long ago, Craig and the Areolas were the hot power couple of the Westside Fantasy League. The Areolas were freshly adorned with all the finest wide receivers in the land, and their bride was the commissioner of a blossoming league, the envy of many gentlemen callers.
But behind the scenes, all was not well. There were rumors that Craig had been having an ilicit affair with an unnamed, and untrained, Chef. After that, it was rumored that Ms. Fritz was more concerned with winning Pick 'Em games than spending time with her Areolas. Things began to unravel between the Areolas and Madam Fritz. The jilted lovers dropped into a deep funk, and lost five straight games, all while claiming the Low Man trophy an inconceivable 4 out of the past 5 weeks. As of this past weekend, there was just no fight left in the Areolas. At 7:00 PM, Sunday night, the Areolas finally succumbed to a long, crippling, bout of Super AIDS, and now shall find rest in eternal slumber.
Ashes to ashes.
Dust to dust.

1. Canadian Cripplers (7-1, W4, Previous #1)
The Anti-Fritz. Alex Smith is the latest horrendous quarterback to grab the reigns of this thundering steed. Scooped up on waivers, he'll likely take over for one week, at which time, Shawn will turn things back over to Brian Griese. Or Cleo Lemon. Or Sage Rosenfels. Or Ryan Leaf.
Sidenote: If I had to describe the Chris Henry signing in one word, it would be this: shrewd. Clever, isn't it? I coined that phrase, you know.

2. Hawaii McLovin (6-2, W1, Previous #3)
Clinton Portis's reaction on the sideline during the Boston Massacre on Sunday was priceless. If can read minds with surprising accuracy, so I'm pretty certain he was saying "Hmmm, so THIS is why people hated us when we ran up the score at Miami."
Sidenote: Anthony Gonzalez is flattered that you still have him on your team, but even he thinks it's time to cut the cord. In two weeks with Marvin out, Tony Gonzalez II caught 1 pass for 16 yards.

3. Chicago Bear Grylls (5-3, W1, Previous #5)
I have nothing to say about my team that hasn't already been said, so I'll use this opportunity to tell you that I am extremely disappointed that I haven't received more trade offers this season. I think Mike was the only one to bring a trade up, and we made something happen lickity-split. Trust me, if any owner in this league is going to make a trade just because he's bored, it's me. I have the attention span of an 11 year old after he's eaten half his Halloween candy. I'm just surprised I haven't seen any "Bobby Engram and Jamal Lewis for Adrian Peterson"-esque trade proposals. I expect more from you guys.

4. DizeeeeeZ NUTZ (6-2, L1, Previous #2)
A funny thing happens when you check out these Player Rankings on ESPN.com. For some reason, Roddy White shows up as the 17th best receiver in the league. Now, you and I are all sane people and we can logically deduce that nobody as naturally unskilled as Roddy White could be ranked that high, especially when his quarterbacks have been Joey Harrington and Byron Leftwich. It's impossible, right?
Then you click on his profile and it says "Here's the one Falcon worth staring week in and week out." Huh????? I know I certainly don't follow every NFL team as closely as I could (i.e. Jacksonville...), but seriously, when did this happen?? How did this happen? I was completely flabbergasted.
And that's why it's time to play America's Favorite Blogging Party Game: "Hefty gets PWN3D by an untalented wide receiver."
This week's contestant is Roddy White of Atlanta. I currently have a 0-3 record, provoking the fury of Jerry Porter, Patrick Crayton, and Reggie Williams. Step on up, Rowdy Roddy. You need 1 TD or 75+ yards to notch a win.

5. Jabroc Junk Jabbers (5-3, L1, Previous #4)
Reggie Bush is finally starting to gel, picking up between 12 and 17 points in each of his last 5 games. Laurence Maroney has no rushing touchdowns (or any touchdowns, for that matter) on the season, yet New England's quarterbacks scored THREE rushing touchdowns last game! How does that work? How do you play your starters nearly the entire game, and score 34 points or more every game, and your top running back hasn't found the end zone yet? And yes, he was dinged up for a while, but that's still not a good sign.

6. Bisbee Ball Maulers (4-4, W2, Previous #7)
The best tight end duo in the league. Antonio Gates and Greg Olsen. Greg Olsen is everything Vernon Davis should be, but isn't. Derek Anderson, Willie Parker, and Marshawn Lynch round out a very solid backfield appetizer sampler platter. Jerry Porter had a season high four catches on Sunday, which should immediately tell you everything you need to know about Jerry Porter, but were afraid to ask.
Starting the Cowboys defense this weekend is a sports fan crime punishable by death. You know better than that!!! Do you really want to be rewarded every time Dallas gets a turnover or a sack? For shame, Walbsy, for shame.

7. License To Kim Jong Il (4-4, L3, Previous #6)
Jordaroo has dropped three straight since I dubbed him the number 1 team in the land, but I still consider him a playoff-caliber team. It would help his argument if Shaun Alexander could have a solid game, and playing Cleveland this weekend is a perfectly good opportunity to do so.
Sidenote: I'd also like to take this time to publicly approve of Gina, Jordan's ladyfriend. I've never met her, but apparently she takes no offense to the Kim Jong Il team name, and from pictures I saw of Kurtoween, she also makes a lovely looking Luigi (of Mario & Luigi fame). Good work, you bald sack of bald.

8. Delaware Ding Dong Danglers (3-5, W2, Previous #9)
This is the part of the story where I tell you some gay wedding story about me and Dave. This used to be fun for me, but then I realized that Dave never played along, and now I'm considering not doing any gay stuff with him at my wedding at all. But I still want to regale you with tales of my wedding. So here we go.
I booked my honeymoon tonight. So far, this was the most enjoyable step of wedding planning. I and a guest of my choosing (traditionally the bride, but nothing's set in stone) will head off to the mystical island nation of Antigua for nine days, where we will snorkel in crystal blue waters, dance the nights away at vibrant night clubs, and drink rum that was equal parts donkey urine and Splenda only days ago. It shall be glorious.
I know what you're thinking..."But who will blog in your stead?!" And to that, I say..."I will. With Craig's corporate Blackberry which I steal during the reception."
Football: Dave, offer me nearly any trade that involves LenDale White and I'll probably do it. Leverage be damned. I've been dying to get my hands on that tub of goo since he was at USC.

9. Holidaysburg's MPJs (2-6, L1, Previously #8)
Adam having Tom Brady is the fantasy football equivalent of Canada having a nuclear bomb. Sure, they've got a nuclear bomb, which is scary and all, but on the other hand, it's only Canada.
Sidenote: I'm no fisherman, and I normally detest outdoorsman-type stories since they're all I hear at work, but I've got to say salmon fishing sounds pretty effin cool. Salmon's pretty much the greatest food that you can eat without preparing or cooking, so there's the instant gratification factor. I imagine you put a worm on your hook, throw your line in, pluck a salmon out, drizzle some maple syrup on it, take a big bite out of it, and then get ready to bait your hook again. Although, I would like this sport more if it involved fending off bears while you fish. That would sort of be like a biathalon.

10. Pocket T Bags (3-5, W1, Previously #11)
This seems like a good time to point out that it's conceivable that all six Decepticons teams could make the playoffs. You Autobots are straight up carnival trash.
Meanwhile, Brett Favre had another miraculous Monday Night game. This can't be good. This means Favre will spend another season going through the Roger Clemens game where he makes us guess whether he's coming back to the NFL, or sticking to the backyard pickup games with the rest of his buddies from the Wrangler commercials.

11. Larry Craig Fritzes (1-7, L5, Previously #10)
Admittedly, I was the second dumbest kid in my Stat 401 class at Penn State. The dumbest kid was a girl named Bethany who sat next to me and copied off my homework before we turned it in every day. However, despite my rudimentary understanding of standard deviations and row echelon matrices, I feel confident in proclaiming that it is next to impossible that any team could have scored so many points and had so few wins to show for it. This is absolutely just the worst possible luck I've ever seen. If we do end up in Vegas again, I'm staying at least 4 blackjack tables away from you.

12. Hairy Areolas (2-6, L5, Previously #12)
All mock funerals aside, you do still have a chance to emerge from the grave this season and make the playoffs. You're really only 1 game out, and this roster can probably be salvaged. But what you need is a regime change. Fire the coach, fire the GM, change the uniforms, and change the team name. Listen, I loved the name as much as anybody else. But it doesn't strike fear into your leaguemates. You need a new badass persona. It worked for Cassius Clay (aka Muhammad Ali), it worked for Lew Alcindor (aka Kareem Abdul-Jabbar), it can work for you. Shed the Areolas persona and embrace your glorious future. Plus, even if it's a terrible name, it can only be second worst.