Mock Lobster: Rich Ely (Pick #11)

Good sir, I applaud you on a flawless Heisman pose.

.

Mock Draft Pick #11: Rich Ely selects Rudi Johnson, RB, Cin

.

2006 Rushing Stats: 341 carries, 1309 yards, 12 touchdowns

2005 Rushing Stats: 337 carries, 1458 yards, 12 touchdowns

2004 Rushing Stats: 361 carries, 1454 yards, 12 touchdowns

.

Do you like running backs who rush for exactly 12 touchdowns in a season? If so, this is your pick. Look at Rudi's totals for the past three years again. That's almost statistically impossible. The man is a damn cyborg. So who do I allocate him to? Of course it would be Rich Ely, our league's resident Japanese-American. Listen, the Japanese are a wonderful, industrious people, but sometimes they get a little boring on us. Honda, Toyota, Nissan, they're all fine automobiles. But they'll all do exactly the same thing: get good gas mileage, drive for 225,000 miles, and then fall apart. You know exactly what you're getting the second you buy it. There's no surprises. Basically, you're buying Rudi Johnson. So while I've just made what seems to be my tenth borderline racist remark of the preseason towards Asians, what I'm really trying to say, is that he's got himself a sweet new Nissan to drive around for the next five months.

.

And if you really need a reason to think I'm racist, head over to All Look Same, fire up "Smiley Faces" by Gnarls Barkley, and take Exam 1: Faces.