Grade The Trade: Melvin's Clearinghouse Edition

Matt Melvin wants to seeya in a Kia!

The Trade: Melvin sends Malcom Floyd and Ahmad Bradshaw to Mr. X in exchange for Reggie Wayne and Ryan Grant.

The Breakdown: Melvin makes his second (!!!) trade of the young season, in your classic "Bad WR-Good RB for Good WR-Bad RB" deal. Every single player in this trade comes with a question mark. For Floyd, it's a groin injury and low reception totals. For Bradshaw, it's injury history and Brandon Jacobs vulturing the goal line carries. For Reggie Wayne, it's the Colts' sagging offense behind Kerry Collins. For Ryan Grant, it's losing his job to James Starks. The best way to look at this deal is to see what it does to each team's lineups.

Melvin - With CJ2K and Ryan Matthews in tow, Melvin could afford to jettison a running back in order to get Braylon Edwards out of his WR3 spot. He now boasts a very solid receiving crew of Maclin, Wayne, and Devery Henderson, who keeps the seat warm until Marques Colston's collarbone is back in one piece. Overall, Melvin didn't subtract too much from his lineup, and made a nice addition. Ryan Grant now likely fills the RB4 spot behind CJ Spiller.

Mr. X - With his entire bench a MASH Unit (seriously, go check his team out. Everybody on the bench is questionable, other than the Saints D and Sam Bradford), X needed a healthy body at RB. He got one, and the fact that Bradshaw is playing the atrocious Eagles run defense this week is a delicious perk. Whether or not you think Ryan won this trade really comes down to whether or not you want to trust Steve Smith (CAR) week in and week out. With a WR3 you have that flexibility. With a WR2, you do not. Listen, I know Cam Newton is making a star out of Smith so far this season, but that well's going to dry up faster than Chaz Bono's discarded ovaries (High five for the tranny joke, bro!!!). I understand the need for Ryan to have done something to address the need at RB. I'm just not certain this was the best move to make for overall roster structure. If I were in his shoes, you bet your sweet bippy I would have been trying to sell high on Smith.

My Grade: Melvin improves his 2011 trade record to 2-0 with another slight victory.

Division Preview 4 of 4: The Shitbirds

Aaron, Jordan, and Deewaan have already staked their claim as preseason darlings in their divisions. Who will be the fourth?

Tiebreaker this year is "most faces punched."

HEFTY: I've been playing fantasy for about 15 years now. Drafted two or three teams most years. I can't ever remember drafting a lesser running back duo than LeGarrette and DeAngelo. They're underwhelming in every way possible. The strange thing? I'm not worried about it one bit. LeGarrette has me hypnotized with thoughts that he'll be a 15 TD guy this year. The guy is a mentally unstable bulldozer. I watched the Oregon facepunch video like ten times the other day. I love him. DeAngelo has at one point in his life been a 20 TD guy. I'm not saying he'll come close this year. But I like him as a #2, especially when I've got his platoon buddy Jonathan Stewart. Hopefully Ron Rivera settles on a favorite, something John Fox could never do.

The Vick pick is certainly risky, but guys who put up 60 point weeks make that risk easier to stomach. I love my WRs, as I said before, they're all high-volume target and catch guys. I am completely glass-half-full on my team this year.

I know that LOOKS like Dez Bryant, but really, I just snuck in a picture of me taking a leisurely jog to change things up. This site can't be football players all the time.

DAVIS: You know, for a guy who finished 5th in scoring last year, Brees was frustrating to own. He only gave one monster game, when I was counting on a few. Consistent as they come though. Ray Rice is a perennial favorite of mine, especially the way he piles up catches out of the backfield. Beanie Wells, while still awful, at least doesn't appear to have any competition for the first time in his NFL career. Dez Bryant is in my team's division in the NFL and fantasy this year which scares the bejeezus out of me. He's ridiculously skilled. Kenny Britt doesn't play the Eagles this season, so there go half of his points. Plax will get his share of red-zone chances, not sure how many catches overall he'll get though. I was all ready to congratulate Adam on his TE-K-D ranks of 1-1-3 , until I realized I'm rolling with 2-3-2.

Pylon!! GAAAAAAAAAAAAH MY LEG!!!!

RYAN: X marks the spot where horrible first round picks are made. Arian Foster tweeted his hamstring's MRI yesterday and apparently the people who know these type of things say he can't play for a few weeks. The problem with these injuries are that they nag, and you have to rest them. Tough break, neighbor. Luckily, your RB2 is Knowshon Moreno, and he missed 3 games to a hamstring injury himself last year. Wait, that's not lucky at all. That's a fragile backfield. Have the antacids ready up until kickoff every week while you wait to see if these guys are playing. Mike Wallace is a pimp, but Reggie Wayne ties into my Peyton concerns and I think he'll have a down year too. Steve Smith finished 70th in WR scoring last year, and has Cam Newton throwing to him now. He's not a fantasy starter anymore. And I'm not breaking any news to Ryan, but the bench players here are all either old, hurt, or just kind of suck.

YOUR 2011 SHITBIRD DIVISION CHAMPIONS: No repeat for Ryan this year. In fact, no playoffs either. The smart money's probably on Davis here, but I've never made a smart bet in my life. Hefty takes the division.

RANK THE DRANK: Pumptoberfest Edition

October is time for two things: Pumpkin Beer and Werewolf Bar Mitzvahs

Mr. X and I square off for the Patriots Ridge Land Grant Trophy this week and the hostilities are high. I've been using his mailbox as a Diaper Genie, he's been slashing my tires, you know, good-natured neighbor hate. But rewind just a few short days ago we were getting along so well that we convened for the first ever A Little Slap and Pickle!! RANK THE DRANK drink-off.

What's a RANK THE DRANK? Well, it's everything this blog stands for, quite simply. Poorly thought out power rankings, inebriation, and even a little bit of The Untrained Chef works its way in there. Anyway, this is our first such attempt, and we hope to inform YOU, the reader, where your precious beer money is best spent during this glorious fall season.

We focused on beers that described themselves as Pumpkin flavored, or Octoberfest, because nobody gives a damn about how Bud Light Lime tastes. Let the rankings begin.

Brooklyn Brewing Post Road Pumpkin Ale- (X: 8th, Hefty: 7th)
X SAYS - Started out extremely promising, nice bottle with a bright orange pumpkin on it and some great amber color upon its pour. Unfortunately that is where all of my positive remarks end. The beer can best be described as a cornucopia of funk; with flavors ranging from skunky to absolute shit. I actually question whether or not Brooklyn Brewery took the water directly from the East River to make this crap. The only pumpkin in this ale was the one on the bottle and it was very difficult to make out any of the spices traditionally used in a Pumpkin Ale.
HEFTY SAYS - My hastily scribbled notes say "cheap aftertaste" and "good scent". It gave off a nice aroma when pouring, which got my mouth watering for pumpkinny goodness, but the scent wrote a check the taste couldn't cash. Basically, I think the beer smells better than it tastes, which is a nice way of agreeing with X and saying it sucks.

Victory Festbier – (X: 7th, Hefty: 8th)
X SAYS - Two words…..Bucky Gunts…..this beer is exactly like my fantasy football team. Attractive and smells good at first whiff, but really deep down it blows chunks. There was nothing remotely tasty about this beer which is surprising because of the reputation that Victory has with its beers. If I had to choose between this so-called “Festbier” and a good ole Beast Ice, I’m riding the Beast.
HEFTY SAYS - I'm astonished at how bad this beer was. We could have tried 80 and this would have finished last. It makes no sense though, because I almost always love Victory beers (Hop Devil being right at the top of my list), and I almost think this might have been an old bottle. It stunk. My notes say "putrid nose boquet" which means I think I did a lot more smelling of the beer than I actually did drinking them.

Hacker-Pschorr Octoberfest - (X:6th, Hefty: 6th)
X SAYS - This “Octoberfest” was absolutely nothing special and reminded me of just a random European Beer that you can get at any time during the year. I think Hacker-Pschorr is German for Schlitz. Best part of drinking this one? Hefty began to get that I’m buzzed twinkle in his eye, turned to Ang and said “Bourbon tasting next??” Her response mentioned something about Jon, Bourbon, and a locked bathroom door that had to be broken into?? Me thinks someone needs an intervention??
HEFTY SAYS - Well that's not entirely true. It was an unrelated story about a recent Yuengling binge and well yeah, MAYBE I passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. Again, this was just a beer. It wasn't bad by any stretch but there was nothing to make me want to have it again. Just a forgettable bottle of mediocre beer.

Southampton Public House Pumpkin Ale – (X: 5th, Hefty: 5th)
X SAYS - This beer was incredibly mediocre. It had a very gingery taste to it. In fact, the ginger really overpowered the pumpkin and any thing else that was brewed with it to give the beer flavor. I have nothing else to say here but meh……..
HEFTY SAYS - This is the last of the beers I'd reccomend you not buy under any circumstances. As X said, I popped one of these open and thought I was drinking ginger ale or birch beer or something non-alcoholic. Stay away.

Wolavers Will Stevens Pumpkin Ale – (X: 4th, Hefty: 3rd)
X SAYS - Sources are telling me that this beer is fantastic for breastfeeding mothers because it is ORGANIC (those were the whispers in the Hefty house). That’s right folks ORGANIC beer, how about that?? Actually I was quite surprised with this beer, while Wolavers is very light compared to most of its pumpkin brethren it packs a surprisingly good flavor. I feel like this could be the Coors Light of Pumpkin beers? Or let me spell it out…..If you like to drink out of Penis straws or have breasts, you will love it!!!
HEFTY SAYS - Well if saying I like this beer means I like drinking out of penis straws, just call me a cocksucker. This was very good. There is a certain quality to this beer that is a little thin, but that means you can have more than 1 or 2 without feeling like you just ate an entire pumpkin pie. That's good beeronomics. My wife, as alluded to, ranked this #1 of the four beers she tasted. This one will be making it's way back into my fridge this fall for sure.

Elsyian Night Owl Pumpkin Ale – (X: 3rd, Hefty: 4th)
X SAYS - This beer has excellent drinkability; while the pumpkin flavor is present it is not by any means overpowering. The problem with this beer is that after the initial drink the taste disappears faster than the Westside Village FFB Championship trophy. This beer also comes in a 12 pack of 22 oz bottles that costs $56. So, for the price it should be the greatest thing since the bikini wax. Alas, it is not; so my pre-tasting #1 has sadly fallen to #3 in the power rankings.
HFFTY SAYS - You should have seen the look on his face, he was so disappointed this didn't go over better. On paper, this should have been one of the heavy hitters. It comes in a 22oz. bottle, which always makes me feel like Merry in the Prancing Pony when he finds out they sell beer by the pint (Lord of the Rings joke alert!!). It is wildly expensive though, and not really worth the extra dough.

Weyerbacher Imperial Pumpkin Ale – (X: 2nd, Hefty: 2nd)
X SAYS - Awesome beer, absolutely delicious. This beer tastes like Thanksgiving dinner with flavors ranging from strong pumpkin to nutmeg, allspice, and cinnamon. Flavor wise this is the beer to beat. It is full bodied and incredibly filling; so really 2-3 of these and you are good to go. On a more disgusting note, I wrote on my “comments” sheet that this beer tastes like Grandma??? Not sure what exactly that means but I just threw up in my mouth a little.
HEFTY SAYS - My notes say (and if you couldn't tell from X's grandma comment, we were starting to get a little smashed at this point...) "warms the cockles of my heart". It's so hearty, it really is like having a meal. It's a phenomenal beer and if you were out at a bar and they had it on draft and you wanted to just get one or two beers, this would be the one I recommend. If you were buying a case, I'd go with the next beer on the list, which brings us to our undisputed champion...

Dogfish Head Punkin Ale – (X: 1st, Hefty: 1st)
X SAYS - Hoppy Halloween everyone, elbow to the ribs……this is the first and only of the pumpkin beers that the hops are not completely overpowered by the pumpkin flavor and the spices. While you can taste the hops, the pumpkin and spice flavors add to it to create heaven in a bottle. Although the Weyerbacher has a little better flavor I am ranking this above it because you can drink more of these without getting sick of them. And the price is around $20 cheaper than the Weyerbacher.
HEFTY SAYS - And there you have it. Taste, well-balanced pumpkin to beer ratio, and value. This is the go-to beer you want in your fridge this fall. Perfect to relax with during a NFL Sunday, perfect with a meal, perfect with some pecan pie or apple cobbler. It's the versatility that makes this the champion.

And there you have it, the inaugural RANK THE DRANK column. We've already made plans to do another when the Winter style beers come out. Look out for that one right around the time the fantasy playoff races start heating up. Any fall beers you recommend? We'd love to hear them in the comments section.