Week 2 Power Rankings: The Chef Comes Calling

This way to the sausage buffet!!

Week 2 has come and gone, so it's time to roll out the power rankings. Someone unexpected has cooked up a 2-0 record. Sick of cliches!? Too bad. I'm laying them on think in this one.


#1. Melvin (2-0, W2, Previously #4) I cannot emphasize how impressed I am that Melvin is winning without Tom Brady. He's taking whatever is laying around in the kitchen and making a feast fit for a king. Brandon Marshall and Kurt Warner have to continue to carry this team. He looks to roll to 3-0 with a match-up against Jerod's Mayo this week.

#2. Rich (2-0, W2, Previously #6) Rich poked, hammered and tenderized my ass all weekend. He smoked the Blow (?!) by 50 points on the strength of Cutler and Giants D. The team originally ranked dead last in the first power rankings has risen to the top faster than whipping cream. He faces a tough match-up against Jordan's Sharts in week 3.

#3. Hefty (1-1, L1, Previously #2) Hefty was severely hamstrung by the Texans/Ravens postponement. He lost out on two #1 targets in Andre Johnson and Derrick Mason and still put up more points than 5 other teams. This is a solid team with balance. A well-rounded meal, if you will. He'll likely bounce back with a game against the sinking Stinkpalmers this week.

#4. Davis (1-1, L1, Previously #3) Adam should be 2-0. He baked the perfect cake and DeSean Jackson brought the wrong icing to the party. That joker cost McNabb at least 6 points. I like this team and I refuse to punish him for this type of BS. Plus, he let us get drunk and abuse his house all weekend, so that's major points in the power rankings.

#5. Mike (1-1, W1, Previously #5) Mike put a notch in the win column and did it with extremely subpar performances from Brees and Moss. This is a team that should be in it as long as the WRs stay healthy. He has a tough match-up against the Dump Tanks this week, so get your snack and drinks ready, it could go down to the wire.

#6. Craig (1-1, L1, Previously #1) I guess I blame myself. I put the bullseye on my back and got taken out with a bazooka. Uncharacteristically bad weeks from Grant and Cotchery doomed me before Sunday was over. Steve Smith comes back from suspension to give this team a shot of espresso. SNL themed teams collide as Colon Blow takes on Oops! I Crapped My Pants.

#7. Jordan (1-1, W1, Previously #8) Jordan rebounded from a horrible week 1 and put up 50 more points in his second go-round. After being turned away at the church potluck dinner for bringing week-old meatloaf, he manned up and cooked up something fresh for the good folks of the congregation. He's might have some trouble on his hands in the next few weeks as his running back situation is very suspect with injuries to Peterson and Maroney.

#8. Shelby (2-0, W2, Previously #7) See Adam's ranking. Shelby should have lost this game. He has yet to break 100. You can only make a porterhouse look like filet mignon for so long. The true colors of this team will be on display soon enough.

#9. Shawn (1-1, W1, Previously #10) Shawn put a mediocre menu out in week 2 and it was enough to get some 2 star reviews. He's still smarting from the Ocho Cinco bizarro world, but the rest of his team is looking ok. If McFadden can continue to put up points, he can probably strengthen his WR corp through a trade. He faces the Stinkpalmers in week 3.

#10. Aaron (0-2, L2, Previously #12) Although Burrito Rice is winless on the young season, they showed some life in week 2, going over 100 points. It was a major turn-around from week 1. I still haven't seen enough to make me think this is a playoff team.

#11. Deewan (0-2, L2, Previously #9) The lack of running back depth really hurt Dave in week 2. I like his week 3 match ups, but you really can judge a restaurant by it's menu, you have to taste the food. He has a shot to move up in the next couple weeks and make the playoffs like I expect him to.

#12. Jonesy (0-2, L2, Previously #11) Jerod's Mayo doesn't taste good on sandwiches, hamburgers, potato salad or egg salad. It probably only tastes good to the stripper he's banging. How long will he stick with the Carson Palmer experiment? This team is bad right now, but I still love you, buddy.

Handing Out Some Hardware: The Golden Tonys

Where snarky grins meet phallic symbols: The Tonys

Ok, so things are a little rushed and now it's almost midnight on Tuesday and nothing has been recapped from week 2. I'm skipping the normal Studs and Duds routine and moving straight to the awards section of our fine weekly program. This week, Mr. Romo perches his dome atop the 2nd best award an actor can win that no one cares about, the Golden Globe. Here are your week two Tonys.

Game 1 - Mike def. Jonesy - The Tony goes to Titans D. Ernest Graham almost snuck in here with a wily, long TD run to seal the Bucs victory over the Falcons, but the Titans kept Team Skidmark in full skidish form with a 26 point outburst while playing the Bengals during a tornado. Two weeks into the season the Titans are the #1 scoring D and are also making the commish uncomfortable for calling them out as average.

Game 2 - Jordan def. Aaron - The Tony goes to Calvin Johnson. CJ out-staged his much ballyhooed teammate, Roy Williams, by hauling in 6 catches for 129 yards and 2 TDs. That's efficiency you just don't often see. Let me make a simple comparison so you can better understand how solid the performance was. Calvin's effort is similar to that of Jordan's hair, which has fallen out at an efficient rate since the sixth grade. Judge the results for yourself. The glare don't lie.

Game 3 - Shawn def. Dave - The Tony goes to Aaron Rodgers. The young buck can get it done, people. At least against a defense that resembles a one-legged, 80 year-old woman name Ruth that has emphysema and carts around an oxygen tank. Nonetheless, over 300 yards and 3 TDs is nothing to sneeze at. In a related note. Shelby def. Shawn in the game of life as his former team name appeared to be "too close to reality" for some people to handle. The replacement team is a winner, though it hawks my SNL theme. "Imagine this iced tea is a gallon of your feces." "That's a lot of dung!"

Game 4 - Melvin def. Hefty - The Tony goes to Brandon Marshall. Holy shitballs was this guy good. He hauled in the second most passes ever in NFL history with 18 receptions after coming off a one game suspension because of "behavior problems." Why does everyone have to get on a guy because he likes a little yayo with his shrimp and grits? This is the kind of rebound I think people were looking for from Christopher Reeve when they heard he'd been kicked by a horse. Too far? Perhaps a little too far...

Game 5 - Rich def. Craig - The Tony goes to Jay Cutler, who after two weeks is your #1 overall scorer. There were a lot of choices to be had here, and honorable mention goes to Giants D and Reggie Wayne, who both mercilessly precipitated the beatdown of my team. I knew taunting Rich was a bad idea. You'd be wise to learn from my mistakes and not fall victim to his ninja ways.

Game 6 - Shelby def. Adam - The Tony goes to Santonio Holmes. The Steelers deep threat scored 12.5 points on a night so windy that seemed like planes could have been knocked from the sky. I hated making a pick here because there was no 'one' player that stood out on Shelby's team and Davis should actually have won this game. I suggest you write a personal letter to DeSean Jackson and tell him he let a guy with a turtleneck on his penis beat you in fantasy football. That will surely set him straight for the rest of the year.

Cheers and Jeers: The Syracuse Chronicles

The grundle sweat on the guy wearing this giant pillow costume could fill a bathtub.

So, Syracuse Weekend has come and gone. Not everybody was fortunate enough to join us in Canada's Retarded Stepbrother (Feel free to borrow that one from me, Syracuse Board of Tourism!!), so here's a recap of the festivities just so everybody's on the same page.

CHEERS: To the Davises for hosting approximately 20 drunken, dirty, gassy, loud, snoring-prone of their closest friends for the weekend. Much olbiged.

JEERS: To the 'y' key on my laptop, which all of a sudden decided it wants to work about 30% of the time I hit it. Hopefull, this column won't have man tpos.

CHEERS: To the joke of the weekend, Shawn Hussein's timely and oft-repeated "Which way to the bloodbath?" inquiry of Syracuse fans as we closed in on the Carrier Dome. Got funnier every single time.

JEERS: To the New York Department of Transportation, which decided to close the two exits on Route 81 closest to the Syracuse Denny's this morning. My Garmin had the computer equivalent of an aneursym trying to recalculate my route so I could fill my belly with the ever-delicious Homestyle Scramble.

CHEERS: To Carpenter Craig, who crafted a set of Cornhole Boards by hand and painted little paw prints and lion faces to decorate.

JEERS: To Jeff Fritz, the least useful little brother since Koy Detmer. I'd rather have a root canal than spend another five minutes with that kid.

CHEERS: To the Carrier Dome, who offers a 16 oz. Labatt Blue Light for the low low price of $5. Compared to the $7 Bud Light bottles I had at the Phillies game the other night, this was practically Nickel Night at the Crowbar.

JEERS: To Hurricane Ike, who not only drove up gasoline prices 20 cents a gallon right before a road trip weekend in my SUV, but also took my two best receivers out of my fantasy lineup for this week's games. Andre Johnson and Derrick Mason, hit the showers; Devin Hester and Hank Baskett, lace 'em up. The result: coming home after the 1:00 games were finished and finding my fantasy team had racked up a whopping 3.5 points. (Don't worry, I'm up to 6 now!!)

CHEERS: To Penn State, who made sure we didn't make a road trip in vain by showing up and slaughtering an undermatched Syracuse team in a loud road atmosphere (to be fair, it was probably 40% PSU fans).

JEERS: To the uber-spooky walk we had through the Syracuse cemetary in the dark back to the Davises last night. If you weren't there, you wouldn't believe how big this cemetary is. I think every dead Syracuse alum is buried in there. To top it off, we had a cop car drive past us and tell us "you're fine" as we struggled to get our bearings in the dark maze of gravestones. No sir, YOU'RE fine. We're lost and full of Labatt's Blue Light. Please help.

CHEERS: To the NFL schedule makers, who gave us a coincidental gift by making the Steelers play on Sunday Night Football, and the Eagles play on Monday Night Football. Perfect way to end the weekend.

JEERS: To Matt Cassel, who obviously isn't as good as Tom Brady, but obviously isn't as bad as Quinn Gray. The Pats won today and it looks like the Jets won't be assuming the role of AFC East top dog just yet. I was really hoping the Brady injury would send the Pats into a 1-15 tailspin. Strangely enough, the Bills have to be taken seriously now after beating Seattle and Jacksonville to open the season up. Too bad for Buffalo fans, I hear they're moving the team to Toronto. (This was ongoing Joke At Upstate New Yorkers' Expense Of The Weekend #2...)

TRIPLE JEERS: To Ed Hochuli, who as I'm typing, just took a Day-After-20-Bud-Lights-and-Labatt-Blue-Lights size poop on San Diego, ruling that Jay Cutler fumbled, but the fumble recovery didn't count because somebody was a little quick on the whistle. San Diego has now slipped to 0-2 after two last minute losses. Gotta love the NFL.

Grade The Trade: 9/20/07

Adam takes a dump all over the rest of the league with this ridiculous trade.

.
BREAKING: Adam Davis and Paul Davis (Hmmm...that's weird, they have the same last name) announce a 4 player deal. The trade will send Peyton Manning to Paul, who sends Cadillac Williams, LaMont Jordan, and Jason Campbell to Adam.
.

From Paul's Perspective: Let me get this straight. You trade three of your backups for the best quarterback ever to play the game. OK, I think we're done here. But just in case we're not, let's dig into this one a little bit. The fact that Paul traded Cadillac Williams (6th round, 70th overall), LaMont Jordan (9th round, 99th overall), and Jason Campell (13th round, 147th overall) for Peyton Manning (1st round, 8th overall) is CRIMINAL. If these two had announced before the draft that Adam was giving his 1st Round Pick to Paul for his 6th, 9th, and 13th, we would have rioted. So what's the difference 2 weeks into the season? If this trade does hold up (and I hope it doesn't...), Slimmy now adresses his one major weakness, Philip Rivers at QB. His team now starts Manning, LJ, Portis, The Bengal Twins, and Andre Johnson (when healthy). Simply put, I and 9 other of my leaguemates will be dancing in the streets if LJ blows out an ACL.
.

From Adam's Perspective: I honestly have no idea where to start. Idiotic is the first word that comes to mind. Conspiracy is the second. What the eff? You really just traded your first pick of the draft for two running backs who WERE THE BIGGEST BUSTS IN FANTASY LAST SEASON and a throw-in black quarterback. Honestly, were any two running backs more disappointing last year than Caddy and LaMont? (Ok, Ronnie Brown, you can put your hand down...I'm trying to prove a point...) What makes you think this year will be any different? The first two weeks of the season? Here's a fact: Dominic Rhodes is back in two games, so LaMont Jordan is going to take another nosedive. Cadillac Williams doubled his 2006 touchdown total in last week's game. He's not a 10 touchdown guy! He's a 5 touchdown guy maybe. You can say that Jeff Garcia is moving the offense more effectively than Gradkowski did last year, but a tiger can't change his stripes. Caddy's not the kind of reward you'd expect to get back for trading the BEST QB EVER. Listen, I know I made fun of your backfield last week. Musa Smith and Chester Taylor can make a man do strange things, I get it. But flushing your season down the toilet so you can pick up two middle-of-the-pack running backs is stupid. You should have rested on your laurels, waited for another shitty week out of Brees, Bulger or McNabb, and pounced. You want to know how many guys are 100% happy with their current QB situation? Here's the list: You, Me, Rich. The. End. There are 9 other owners who are probably having some second thoughts about taking the wrong guy. So what do you do? You completely puss out and trade with your brother. Gay. I'm mailing Anthrax to the three guys you're getting in this trade. You don't deserve anything in return. You pussed out. You could have traded with Craig! You know, the guy with Vince Young and three of the best receivers in football? I just think you took the easy way out. I would have felt much better about this if there was at least a major family holiday that just happened. If this were Thanksgiving, I could tell myself, "Oh, Adam just drank too much and ate too much turkey. He probably got a little woozy and Slimmy talked him into a trade that a five year old would have turned down...Ah, well, boys will be boys!!" But no. You gave away Peyton Manning for three guys most teams could have found in their couch cushions. You suck. Faggot.

The Winner: Paul Davis by Technical Knockout

By the way, I had a good bit of Crown before I wrote this. So you can ignore the faggot line. The rest of it I'm pretty sure I'd admit to when sober.

Week 2 Power Rankings: The Rise of The A.P.T.s

Aaron and Hefty must protect this house!!
.

I'll admit, although the URL of this website is 'westsideffl.blogspot.com', there's a little residual resentment on my part. Fact is, I never lived in Westside. Neither did Repucci. While you queers were circle-jerking off campus, Aaron and I were living the good life in Nittany Apts. We didn't pay rent, we had a meal plan, and we had washing machines that ran on Lion Cash. So while the rest of you may be Westside 4 Life, just know that Aaron and I will always be loyal to the A.P.T.s. Now, having said that, Aaron and I just happen to be two of the four remaining unbeaten teams in this league, so I think it's time we got a small bit of the spotlight. We'll start reparations by addressing that stupid league name and go from there.
.
So, without any further ado, your Week 2 Nittany Apartment Fantasy Football Power Rankings.
.
1. Jon Hefty (2-0, Previously #2) - Put up more points in one week than Rich has all season. Taking Carson Palmer and Steve Smith was a good choice.
.
2. Paul Davis (2-0, Previously #1) - You've been bumped. Although deep down, you're the only team I truly fear. If you've got TJ and CJ, then how is Carson Palmer going to scare you? You frighten me, Paul Davis, you frighten me.
.
3. Shawn Hussein (2-0, Previously #4) - The Cripplers beating The Junk Jabbers last week was the equivalent of Toddler Murder. Not fair, but I guess that's what you get when Chris Benoit is your team's role model.
.
4. Aaron Repucci (2-0, Previously #3) - Has yet to score 100 points in a game, so he has to slip a little bit here. By the way, truly observant readers will note that my 1, 2, 3, and 4 teams from last week are now all 2-0. So maybe I do know what the hell I'm talking about here.
.
5. Mike Walbert (1-1, Previously #5) - Santana Moss couldn't put up the 100+ points Mike needed on Monday Night, and Mike slips to 1-1. The Boys of Bisbee have all the pieces of the puzzle except for a reliable second running back. Deuce McAllister is not the answer.
.
6. Jordan Yingling (1-1, Previously #6) - Jay Cutler is more capable than I would have expected. Calvin Johnson looks like he could be one of the best steals of draft day if he keeps clicking with Kitna like he has so far this season.
.
7. Shelby Fidler (1-1, Previously #11) - Ok, here's a question, and no peeking. Who is currently the #1 ranked running back in our league? If you said Edgerrin James, you'd be correct. You'd also be a filthy cheater because there's no way you said Edgerrin James. Joseph Addai is #4 overall. Quite a stable, you've got there, son.
.
8. Craig Fritz (1-1, Previously #9) - If you received a trade offer from Craig for Jamal Lewis this week, I'd love to hear it in the comments section.
.
9. Dave Wanner (0-2, Previously #8) - This team has more busts than the Playboy Mansion. Brees, Steven Jackson, Thomas Jones, Reggie Brown are all falling well short of expectations.
.
10. Matt Melvin (0-2, Previously #10) - Lost by the narrowest of margins on Monday Night. And you know why? Because black quarterbacks suck.
.
11. Rich Ely (0-2, Previously #7) - Seeing this team perform on the field is like seeing the pictures all over the internet of Oscar DeLaHoya in drag. It's funny at first, but then you remember that they could still kick your ass.
.
12. Adam Davis (0-2, Eternally #12) - Losing the pick'em this week is the least of your concerns. Back of the bus, Rosa.

Handing Out The Week 2 Chumleys

Now that's a handsome trophy!!

It's time once again to reward those players who gave a little extra on Sunday. In reality, all the Chumley award winners this week should probably be from my team, but, I made the rules last week, so I'll stick to my guns: 1 Chumley winner from each winning team, for a total of 6 Chumley trophies. Let's see who shaped the fantasy landscape in a significant way this week.
.
Game 1: Craig def. Melvin - And the Chumley goes to...
Brian Westbrook, RB, Phi - Before Monday night's game, this contest was still up in the air. Westbrook did enough to hold off Melvin's two headed monster of Donovan McNabb and David Akers, who booted four field goals against the Redskins.
.
Game 2: Shawn def. Rich - And the Chumley goes to...
Joey Galloway, WR, TB - Randy Moss's numbers were just as good, honestly, but Joey Galloway putting up 135 yards and two scores is a true WTF moment. Joey gets the nod here for some serious overachievement.
.
Game 3: Slimmy def. Jordan - And the Chumley goes to...
Chad Johnson, WR, Cin - Chad led the league in receiving yardage and number of beers dumped on him by the Dawg Pound. Chad is off to a phenomenal start to the season, with 300+ yards and 3 TD's.
.
Game 4: Hefty def. Mike - And the Chumley goes to...
Carson Palmer, QB, Cin - The man getting Chad the ball on Sunday also racked up 4 touchdowns to other targets. A 6 touchdown day at Cleveland gave Carson the most fantasy points in one game so far (54.5 points).
.
Game 5: Aaron def. Adam - And the Chumley goes to...
Frank Gore, RB, SF - Frank the Tank found the endzone twice on Sunday against the Rams just a few days after the death of his mother. Of course, he's black, so nobody makes a big deal about this, like they did when Brett Favre's dad died and he played on Monday Night Football a few years ago.
.
Game 6: Shelby def. Dave - And the Chumley goes to...
Edgerrin James, RB, Ari - It seems like the new regime out in Arizona is dedicated to getting Edge the ball as many times as possible. He's got 50 carries through the first two games of the season, and he picked up 128 yards and a touchdown on Sunday. The schedule gets a little tougher from here on out, as Edge will play against the Ravens and Steelers in back-to-back weeks.
.
So there you have it. Your week 2 Chumley winners. Everybody still has just 1 Chumley, as all of this week's winners were first-time recipients. The Chumley Watch will be updated accordingly.

Week 2 Photo Finishes: MotownPhilly Edition

Can David Akers kick Craig Fritz into an 0-2 hole? Can Reno Mahe field a punt? Can Andy Reid call any creative offensive plays? Tune in tonight and find out!!

Tonight is Monday Night. And it's also Redskins-Eagles night. It's certainly the most tame out of our division rivalries, but still, one to take seriously. And any time we could be two games behind the Cowboys and the Redskins in the division by Tuesday morning, well, it's time to nut up or shut up.
.
It's also nut up or shut up time for two fantasy squads tonight. One game is still hanging in the balance, and we'll break it down to see who's got the edge.

.
Game 1: Craig (Brian Westbrook and a 7.9 point lead) vs. Melvin (Donovan McNabb and David Akers)

Analysis - McNabb and Akers will certainly have their chances in this one. The offense should be embarrassed and motivated after the debacle at Green Bay, so I'm not sure we'll see Philadelphia struggle to put points up tonight. The question for this game though, is who will be the recipient of McNabb's tosses? If Reggie Brown and Kevin Curtis can establish a rhythym against the Redskins corners, than Melvin wins this game. But if McNabb has to rely on dumpoffs to Westbrook, then McNabb's points are negated. My prediction is that the David Akers points make the difference here and Melvin steals a win.
.
All of the other games appear to be set in stone. Jordan could upset Slimmy if the defense pitches a shutout and returns some picks for touchdowns, but realistically speaking, Slimmy with a 21.4 point lead and Clinton Portis should roll to victory. Let's just hope our Birds can do the same. My Monday Night Prediction: Eagles 24, Redskins 14
.
Your Monday Night Power Picks in the comments, please.

Round-Up: Week 2 Bajingos and Sasquatches

Not pictured: Defense.

Here it is, your weekly-double dose of Monday Morning bloggery. Mike has posted his concession speech below, but here's my take on the goings-on around the league yesterday. Without any further ado, here's Week 2's edition of Bajingos and Sasquatches.

Bajingos

1. Rich's Lineup!! - What the blood clot?! 60.7 points? You get 0.1 points for a completed pass, and a rushing attempt!! This is like scoring a 550 on the SATs when you get 400 points just for correctly spelling your name on the Scantron form. Richard, what's happening to us?!! I had you at number 1 overall in the preseason, but it looks like you'll be getting to know your neighbor in the basement, Adam.
2. Adam's Running Backs - Earlier in the week I posed the question if Adam's lineup of Musa Smith and Chester Taylor was the worst non-bye-week impacted starting running back tandem in fantasy history. If it wasn't, I'd be surprised. A huge heaping steaming 1.5 points between Jamal Lewis's former understudies.
3. Picks 1 through 3 of the Fantasy Draft - LT, S-Jax, and LJ combined for 29.5 points. Not the kind of production one would expect for the so called sure things in the draft. At least LT and LJ can say they played a stout defense though. What's with Jackson only racking up 60 yards on 21 carries against the Niners D?
4. Shifty Sophomores - Reggie Bush and Maurice Jones-Drew may be hitting a little bit of a sophomore slump (sorry to pick on your team twice, Rich). Both guys were supposed to be monsters with a year of experience under their belt, now neither looks like they want to claim the number 1 spot in the backfield rotation. Seize the day, gentlemen!!
5. Harrison and Wayne - When you own either of the Colts Pro Bowl receivers, and you see Tennessee on the schedule, you're expecting at least 1 TD a piece out of your guys. Maybe I'm being unfairly harsh here, both guys had over 70 yards, but I think given the circumstances, both Marvin and Reggie came up small.
.

Sasquatches
.

1. Ohio! - Cleveland and Cincinnati played a flag football game yesterday, with Cleveland getting the win 51-45. What the heck happened here? Derek Anderson put up 5 touchdowns, Jamal Lewis ripped off a 60+ yard touchdown, and the much-maligned Braylon Edwards reeled in 8 balls for a buck-forty-six and two scores. On the flip side, Carson Palmer tossed six touchdowns of his own, Rudi Johnson went over the hundred yard mark and caught a touchdown, and TJ and CJ each caught two touchdowns. Absolutely ridiculous game.
2. Melvin's Receivers - Each of Deion Branch, Chris Chambers, and Roy Williams went over 100 yards, and Roy grabbed a touchdown early in the Lions-Vikings game. Branch, who was a no show (and a Bajingo) just a week ago, caught seven passes for 122 yards. That's more like it, Deion.
3. Tampa Bay Buccaneers - Cadillac Williams ran for two scores, and Joey Galloway caught two more in a game I'm absolutely certain none of us actually watched.
4. Randy Moss - Tom Brady spreads the ball out!! The Patriots don't rely on one guy!! Nobody could catch ten touchdowns in that offense!! Baloney!! Randy Moss upgrading from Aaron Brooks to Tom Brady is the exact spark he needed to become the game's most dangerous receiver again. Unless of course, number 5 has something to say about it...
5. Steve Smith Pulls A Keanu Reeves - Remember in the second Matrix movie, when Neo's fighting all the Agent Smiths, and all the Agent Smiths finally start pinning him down and it looks like they'll finally kick the crap out of him, but then Neo gets really mad and has a violent explosion and all the Agent Smiths go flying off into the air? You remember that? That was awesome. Well, watch Steve Smith's third touchdown against the Texans yesterday and tell me he wasn't watching Matrix Reloaded right before the game started. Just an awesome bitchslapping of the defense. Unreal.

Monday Morning Slobbering Yap: 9/17/07

Heck, even Det. Nordberg found time this weekend to laugh at me.
.
5 Things I Think That I Thought Were

1. I think ... well, I'll say this about the Chicago Bear Grylls/Bisbee Ball Maulers "matchup." Noah himself couldn't have built an adequately sized ark to combat CBG's flood of touchdowns. There hasn't been this much trauma inflicted on a group of people since the Trail of Tears (look it up on wikipedia, Melvin). Just effin' ridiculous. Let's move on.

2. I think the trade winds surrounding the BecaHigh DanKendras (god, I hate typing that SO much) and their key asset, Tom Brady, are set to pick up. MMSY has learned from sources close to league insiders who are familiar with the situation that someone anonymously told them about... you get the point. Word is, Adam is looking to deal Tom Brady and THEN deal Peyton Manning. In another possible deal, sources also say that a deal could go down between the Davis brothers, with Paul shipping Clinton Portis and Cadillac Williams to BHDK for Brady. Stay tuned.

I think these are some random thoughts on the weekend:
a. 3:10 To Yuma is a terrific, shoot-em-up film. Saw the original (black-and-white from 1957 or so) recently and the remake essentially measures up to it. Christian Bale is particularly good. And oh-so-pretty.
b. Look, boys. We're gonna beat Michigan. Get rid of that feeling in the pits of your stomachs. Ollie Ogbu will sprinkle some oregano flakes and dijon mustard on Michael Hart, and gobble him up. Craig, I suggest you add that recipe to The Untrained Chef, stat!
c. Going off the stellar momentum from the weekend, who thinks the Phils lose 2 of their next 3? Show of hands?

4. I think the way things are shaking out for Rich that he could be in the market to pick up Orenthal James Simpson at running back. Being charged with multiple felonies has got to be at least worth 5 points -- and that'd be more than his running backs have produced.

5. I think Slimmy being 2-0 has got to be the most enraging thing ever. Opie cannot win this year!

Week 2 Matchups: Chili Con Carnival!

Everyone's two favorite computer nerds square off in BlogBowl I.

.
Aaron's too good to write this column for me this week so I'll do it my own damn self.
Let's take a look at two of Week 2's key matchups.
.

Runner Up: Bisbee vs. Chicago
This battle of 1-0 teams should be a good one. Chicago QB Carson Palmer squares off against his former mentor in Cincinnati, Jon Kitna, who now proudly plays for Bisbee. Mike's running backs are the key to this matchup, neither Parker or McAllister scored last week, and to beat me, they'll have to find paydirt. For me, this game seems like a slam dunk. Carson Palmer's playing the Browns, Tomlinson's still the best player in the league, and Purple Jebus is playing the University of Buffalo, or some similarly terrible defense.
My prediction: Parker, Kitna and Gates score enough points to give me a good scare, but ultimately, I'll be improving to 2-0.
My solution on how to make this game more important: If I win, I get to ghostwrite one of your columns in the Arizona Republic. If you win, I'll destroy the tape of me and Aunt Judy I've been blackmailing you with all of these years.
.
The Main Event!: Hawaii vs. North Korea
The other battle of unbeatens this week is between Slimmy and Jordan. I'll take "Sentences I Never Thought I'd Type" for a thousand, Alex! Slimmy's been talking a hot game this week, but there's a chance that Chicago could actually play 11 men in the box this week to stop Larry Johnson, so he's useless. Philip Rivers took a play out of the Briscoe High playbook last week, handing off to Tomlinson, who then played quarterback better than his actual quarterback. So he's useless. Clinton Portis is playing the Eagles, so he's useless. However, TJ Houshmandzadeh and Chad Johnson are playing the Browns, and their stat lines will look like something out of a Madden game. I'm guessing 325+ yards and 3 touchdowns combined. Yikes.
HOWEVA, Jordan has my new favorite player, Reggie Wayne, who gets to feast on the Titans. He might also get 325 yards and 3 touchdowns on his own. He's also got Shaun Alexander (playing Arizona), Hines Ward (playing Buffalo), and Jay Cutler (playing Oakland). All good matchups for Jordan's boys this week.
My prediction: Jordan by double digits.
My solution on how to make this game more important: If Slimmy wins, he gets to masturbate while playing X Box. If Jordan wins, he gets to feed Slimmy his pubes in a bowl of chili.