THE FINAL CHUMLEY CEREMONY

With his league leading 5th Chumley award, Tony and Jessica are now officially the Power Couple of A Little Slap And Pickle!!

The Heisman may get more airtime on ESPN, but there's another very special award to hand out tonight. For the past few weeks, Randy Moss vs. Tony Romo has been the ALSAP!! equivalent of Tim Tebow vs. Darren McFadden. The Chumleys will wrap up today, and after 13 weeks, I'm pleased to announce we have ourselves a grand champion. He wasn't the only one deserving of the Week 13 hardware, so let's see who else earned themselves a statue.

Game 1: The Ding Dong Danglers def. Pocket T-Bags - And the Chumley goes to...
Panthers, D/ST, Car - 4 picks, 2 fumble recoveries, 6 sacks, and a touchdown all added up to a 28 point day out of the Kitty Cats.

Game 2: MPJ's def. Nutz - And the Chumley goes to...
Hines Ward, WR, Pit - Hines caught 11 balls for 90 yards and 2 touchdowns. The yardage is surprising after that many catches, but the wily-Half-Asian was good for 23.2 points. Not surprisingly, this game happened against the Bengals D. If anybody has a few spare hours, go through the archives and figure out how many Chumley awards were won against Cincinnati's defense. It seems like it's at least 20 percent.

Game 3: Chicago def. Bisbee - And the Chumley goes to...
LaDainian Tomlinson, RB, SD - The #1 overall pick collects his second Chumley of the season. LT had a monster day running for 177 yards and 2 scores. Sidenote: Did anybody notice that the two teams squaring off for the #1 playoff seed last week drafted 11th and 12th? That's proof right there that you can have a great season no matter where you are in the draft order. Pretty amazing GM job by both Shawn and Rich.

Game 4: N. Korea def. Hawaii - And the Chumley goes to...
Peyton Manning, QB, Ind - Peyt put together his best game of the season just in time for the playoffs. Manning has thrown 7 touchdowns in his past two games and is doing just fine even though Marvin Harrison is still dinged up.

Game 5: Death Knell def. Sen. Craig - And the Chumley goes to...
Terrell Owens, WR, Dal - Owens has gone for 100+ yards in 5 of his past 6 games, and he's caught a TD in the last seven straight. Dallas is clearly playing the best football in the NFC right now, and if the Super Bowl matchup is Dallas-New England, I'm not having the Super Bowl party this year. I'm just not ready to decide which team I despise less.

Game 6: Canada def. Jabroc, TN - And the Chumley goes to...
Tony Romo, QB, Dal - Tony puts a nice ribbon on the Chumley race with his Week 13 gem. Against the Packers, Tony had 309 yards, 4 TDs, and 37.1 fantasy points. Rich is now in the driver's seat for the playoffs, and most importantly, the Chumley went to the best player on the best team, which is how it was supposed to go. What's most amazing about Romo's season is the gap in the numbers between him and the rest of the QBs in the NFL (other than Tom Brady). Romo has 355.3 points this year, the next closest horse in the race is Derek Anderson with 287.9, and then there's another six guys all in the same range. But Romo's numbers blow them all away.

A heartfelt congratulations to Tony Romo, who will now be known as Mr. Chumley, and his lovely bride Jessica Simpson. For his season-long accomplishment, Mr. Chumley will win a fantabulous prize package. Let's see what the happy couple has won.
-A year of free Appletinis at Chumley's Bar
-A lifetime supply of ProActiv solution
-An official A Little Slap And Pickle!! hand towel
-An "Employee of the Month" DVD (Widescreen)
-A shiatsu massage from Peter King (complete with Happy Ending)

Week 12 Chumleys: The Slim-leys!!!

So afraid to attempt a witty caption...

It's crunchtime for the Chumley race. Romo and Moss are your clubhouse leaders at 4 a piece, with only two more weeks of awards. Let's take a peek around the Westside FFL landscape and see who's peaking at the right time.

Game 1: Bisbee def. Death Knell - And the Chumley goes to...
Antonio Gates, TE, SD - I chose Gates over Kolby Smith because Gates straight up killed the Ravens, and Kolby Smith is a flash in the pan. As an LT owner, I become extremely aroused whenever I see the score change in Chargers games. However, all I got this week was a couple lousy Phillip Rivers TD passes, two of which went to Gates. Antonio, who was already the best TE in fantasy, had his best game of the season with 6 catches, 105 yards and 2 TDs.

Game 2: Chicago def. Larry Craig - And the Chumley goes to...
Wes Welker, WR, NE - Welker gets the nod here for erasing an eight point deficit in my matchup against Melvin heading into the Sunday Night Football game. In essence, Welker has become New England's best running back, getting multiple grabs on short passes out of multiple receiver sets, while Laurence Maroney stews on the sidelines wondering why he's even wearing a cup.

Game 3: Jabroc def. Lymez - And the Chumley goes to...
Larry Fitzgerald, WR, Ari - Larry hauled in 9 passes for 156 yards and 2 touchdowns against the 49ers on Sunday. Fitzgerald might be the most reliable receiver of the season to this point. He's posted double digit points in 7 of his last 8 games. Up next for Larry is the Cleveland Browns, and Rich will need the points as he goes up against Shawn for the #1 seed in the playoffs.

Game 4: MikeJax def. Cripplers - And the Chumley goes to...
Vikings, D/ST, Min - I already talked about the Vikings yesterday, so here's a good spot for a mini-rant. Do you know how frustrating it is watching Devin Hester run back kick after kick and not get any points for it?! Riddle me this, assclown, how is a blocked punt a scorable play, and not a punt return touchdown? The same 11 players are on the field for both events, so don't give me this "defense vs. special teams" balogna. The players don't become a special team once the punt is in the air. They're special teams from the second they line up on the field. And in other news, only one of those two events actually changes the score of the real game! Which one?! THE TOUCHDOWN!!! This is unequivocably the dumbest thing I've ever heard of. If Devin Hester only knew...

Game 5: Delaware def. Hawaii - And the Chumley goes to...
Drew Brees, QB, NO - True story...one time in college, me and Deewaan drank like 40 brees and we couldn't feel our faces.

Game 6: N. Korea def. The Patent Office - And the Chumley goes to...
Kellen Winslow II, TE, Cle - OK, I admit it, I've got a soft spot for tight ends. (That's what she said!!!) But it's hard not to reward a tight end with the most illustrious prize in fantasy football when he catches 10 passes for 107 yards and a TD. Several of Jordan's players scored slightly higher than Winslow, but K2 gets the nod. As a sidenote, anybody tired of hearing him referred to as "Kellen Winslow Jr"? Uh, yeah, we get that it's not actually his dad playing. Thanks for clearing that up, Gus Johnson.

As a final note, after listening to Verne Lundquist during the LSU-Arky game and then Gus Johnson during Texans-Browns, I am ready for some college basketball! Good thing the Eagles won't make the playoffs, that will give me more time to watch hoops. Especially my boy OJ Mayo, averaging 22 ppg, and Walbsy's boy, Eric Gordon, averaging 27.3.

Week 11: Power Rankings + Chumleys = POWER CHUMLEYS!!!

I took the liberty of slightly modifying Dave's original. Shelby, this holiday season, may you be teabagged umercilessly by the entire offensive line of the Miami Dolphins (the league's fattest!!).

Well, fantasy nerds, it's a very short week here at ALSAP!!, as I head west in just a few hours to spend Thanksgiving out in Pittsburgh. As such, Power Rankings and Chumleys will be combined into one breakneck paced column I like to call POWER CHUMLEYS!!! Please contain your excitement and bladder, and join me for our weekly look around the league.

1. Shawn (9-2, W2, Previous #1)
Week 11 Chumley recipient: Randy Moss, WR, NE. This is Randy's 4th Chumley. Moss grabbed 4 touchdowns Sunday night, in the first half alone.
Playoff Prognosis: Clinched.

2. Rich (8-3, W3, Previous #2)
Week 11 Chumley recipient: Tony Romo, QB, Dal. Last year's Thanksgiving game was the official coming out party for the Romosexuals. With an easy matchup against the J-E-T-S on Thursday, there could be more of the same in store.
Playoff Prognosis: Clinched.

3. Slims (8-3, W1, Previous #3)
Week 11 Chumley recipient: Andre Johnson, WR, Hou. It's scary to think that Slimmy's third best WR might be Chad Johnson, although Chad hasn't scored since Week 2, so I think that's pretty accurate.
Playoff Prognosis: Clinched.

4. Hefty (6-5, L2, Previous #4)
Wrong time in the season to start a losing streak. The fact that I'm having a tough time deciding between Matt Schaub and Carson Palmer this week tells you that things haven't gone as well for my second round pick as I would have liked.
Fun Fact: I've also traded away my third and fourth round picks, and my fifth round pick is hurt. If not for some brilliantly unexpected WR play out of Braylon and Welker, I'd be hovering around 3-8 right now.
Playoff Prognosis: Can clinch with a win.

5. Aaron (7-4, L1, Previous #5)
Ladies and gentlemen, we've officially found our panicked GM at the trade deadline. I like to imagine Aaron at home, pacing around the room with a carton of Marlboro Reds, staring at a big rotary telephone, screaming at it to try to make it ring. Relax, A-Rep. Donald Lee does not a championship team make.
Playoff Prognosis: Clinched.

6. Jordan (6-5, W1, Previous #8)
Week 11 Chumley recipient: Brandon Marshall, WR, Den. Marshall not only caught a touchdown on MNF sealing the win over Aaron, but he actually was Jordan's highest scorer with 13.9 points.
Playoff Prognosis: Can clinch with a win.

7. Craig (5-6, W3, Previous #7)
Week 11 Chumley recipient: Terrell Owens, WR, Dal. Extreme badassery out of Owens this week. It's hard to admit this, but as an Eagles fan, it's almost better to root for the Cowboys in divisional matchups on the basis that the Eagles need a lot of help to make the playoffs. Having said that, I'll be hurling turkey bones and egg nog at the television on Thursday if Owens has another monster game tomorrow.
Playoff Prognosis: Controls his own destiny.

8. Shelby (5-6, L1, Previous #6)
I know I've mentioned this before, but it's embarrasing that on draft night I was given Brett Favre by ESPN.com and I raised a stink so I could go back and draft Rex Grossman. That's a major kick in the sack.
By the way, how about the Lions playing a game on Thanksgiving you're actually excited to watch? GB @ Det is finally a relevant game, and it kicks off at 12:30, which means I have to eat even more piggishly to get down to the in-laws basement to watch TV.
Playoff Prognosis: Controls his own destiny.

9. Adam (4-7, W2, Previous #10)
Week 11 Chumley recipient: Tom Brady, QB, NE. If you haven't seen it, go over to Kissing Suzy Kolber and watch the youtube clip of Andrea Kremer interviewing Tom Brady. It's almost impossible that a 17 second clip could be so uncomfortably awkward, but it most definitely is.
Playoff Prognosis: Needs help.

10. Mike (4-7, L3, Previous #9)
What's your record since getting engaged? Just curious.
As Mickey famously quipped in 'Rocky': "Women weaken legs." And by "legs", I think he was talking about "quality of life in general".
Playoff Prognosis: Needs help.

11. Dave (3-8, L3, Previous #11)
Ok, so your team sucks. At least you're gorgeous. What I wouldn't give to stick a couple fistfulls of stuffing in your cavity tomorrow morning.
Playoff Prognosis: Needs a borderline miracle.
Male Model Prognosis: So hot right now.

12. Melvin (1-10, L8, Previous #12)
Playoff Prognosis: Not a friggin chance.

Happy Thanksgiving Everybody!

Week 10 Chumleys: Drexel Hill Edition

Rich brings in da noise and da funk.

So. Week 10 has come and gone. Three weeks of Regular Season Fantasy action remain on the calendar. Three weeks left for seven teams to make a push and join Shawn in the Big Dance. The clock is ticking and the trade deadline is approaching. Let's see which NFL stars were this week's keys to a postseason berth.

Game 1: Aaron def. Mike - And the Chumley goes to...
Warrick Dunn, RB, Atl - Aaron arrived at Melvin's crib on Friday Night in a state of panic. The more ESPNNews savvy in the crowd told him that Frank Gore wasn't playing in Monday's contest (turns out that was false). Aaron started to fret, claiming he didn't have a good running back to put next to MJD in his lineup. Trade speculation was rampant, at one point names like Correll Buckhalter were flying around. By night's end, A-Rep had decided to fill the vacancy in house, the only question was with who? Kenton Keith and Warrick Dunn were options. I, being the fantasy football blogger and self-proclaimed expert, told him to go with Kenton because at least the Colts would put up points and Keith might grab a TD of his own (lo and behold he did). In the end, Aaron went with Warrick Dunn, and it turned out to be the right move. Dunn chipped in with 22.2 points after being an afterthought only a few days earlier. Nice move, Pooch.

Game 2: Rich def. Paul - And the Chumley goes to...
Tony Romo, QB, Dal - Ladies and gentlemen, we officially have ourselves a Chumley Race. Romo has now bagged his third Chumley of the season, doing so with a fine 35.2 point performance. Speaking of a fine performance, major props go out to Rich for bringing the infamous Blue Horn down to Melvin's on Friday, filling the shoes of the original Green Horn. The horns have become a tradition unlike any other, as countless delicious beers have been conveyed from bottle to mouth through the confines of this musical instrument. If I were handing out Real Life Chumleys, Rich may have clinched one for keeping the Legend of Blue Horn alive.
Sidenote: When we do the Triple Threat Bachelor Party, this is a mandatory party accessory. And we need custom T-shirts.

Game 3: Craig def. Jordan - And the Chumley goes to...
Brian Westbrook, RB, Phi - Step aside, Tony Romo, Brian's got three Chumleys of his own. Words cannot express how valuable Westbrook is to both Craig and the Eagles. In fact, I'm embarrased that the Eagles made him return the extra money from his paychecks last year. He's worth whatever the accounting error was, he's literally carrying this team on his shoulders. Brian is second in receptions among all NFL running backs, to only Reggie Bush. Bush has 55 catches (for a measly 304 yards, less than 6 ypc), Westbrook has 54 (for 518, more than 9 ypc). No other RB even has 40. That's an awesome stat. Even if the Eagles begin a rebuilding process after this season, with Westbrook in the fold, they'll still always be dangerous.
Sidenote: If you look up "Idiot Savant" in the dictionary, there's a picture of Craig playing Big Buck Hunter. The man is like the deaf, dumb, and blind kid from "Pinball Wizard". And yes, that's a 'Who' reference. My dad would be awfully proud.

Game 4: Adam def. Melvin - And the Chumley goes to...
Hines Ward, WR, Pit - To be honest, there's not many worthy candidates on this squad. Hines kicked in with 17.4 points, on 7 catches for 80 yards and a touchdown. But Hines gets extra badass points for scoring on a two point conversion to put the Steelers up by a field goal in the 4th. Is that a logical reason to hand somebody a trophy? Maybe not. But it's my trophy and I say the 2 pt. conversion is a badass play. Congratulations Hines.
And congratulations to Adam, who trekked the farthest to make it down to Melvin's on Friday Night, going on what Google maps claims is a 4+ hour journey. Unbelievable dedication shown there by the resident woodsman.

Game 5: Shawn def. Deewaan - And the Chumley goes to...
Jeremy Shockey, TE, NYG - I already touched on Shockey's game in the Bajingos and Sasquatches feature, but the point is still valid: 12 catches by a tight end is far too many for an NFL defense to allow. Possibly true fact: In my entire 9th-12th grade playing career as a tight end, I'm not sure I hauled in 12 passes. I'm sure I was in that neighborhood. Somewhere in the 10-20 range. I do know I only scored two touchdowns, and Shockey even managed to do half of that in this game. Good stuff.
Shawn was not at Melvin's, and therefore, I have no anecdote to share about him.

Game 6: Shelby def. Hefty - And the Chumley goes to...
Shayne Graham, K, Cin - Many traditional media members would have gone with Favre in this one. Then again, many traditional media members go to bed at night praying they'll wake up as an ingrown hair on Favre's grundle. Needless to say, I'm not a traditional media member. No, I'll go out of my way to reward a kicker who made seven chip shot field goals, while his asshat QB couldn't lead one G-D scoring drive out of seven red zone trips. Enjoy the spotlight, Shayne. I hope it's your last time up here.
Shelby doesn't really exist, and therefore, couldn't take time out of his busy (read: greasing up his ding-dong to Alanis Morissette music videos from 1995) schedule to come up and see his buds.

Alright, there you have it! Week 10 in the books. Congratulations to all the winners, and especially Brian Westbrook and Tony Romo, who join Randy Moss as the only Three-Time-Award-Winners in Chumley history!!

Week 9 Chumleys

For one week only, we excuse the ritual of photoshopping league members onto Heisman trophies to honor All Day.
.

I know what you're thinking..."Chumleys BEFORE Bajingos and Sasquatches?! What the hell?!?! You LIED to me!!! You son ofa BITCH!!!" Well, what can I say, the past couple days at work have been hectic and I definitely want to make sure I get these awards handed out in a timely fashion. We'll get to B's and S's. Just not yet. Hang tight, you gorgeous men.

Game 1: Shelby def. Aaron - And the Chumley goes to...
Joseph Addai, RB, Ind - Last week I repeatedly mentioned that the Colts needed to get Addai rolling if they wanted to hang tight with the Pats. Well, Addai got himself rolling in a big way, taking a pass 73 yards just before halftime for a touchdown. He ended up with 112 yards rushing and 114 yards receiving. Although the AFC Championship would likely be held in Foxboro, the Colts showed enough in this game (without Marvin Harrison, nonetheless) to make the rematch extremely interesting should it happen. I disagree with Mike about handing the Pats the Super Bowl trophy just yet. The Colts are still the champs, and come January, they'll be eager to defend their title. Don't count them out yet. They could easily repeat.

Game 2: Rich def. Mike - And the Chumley goes to...
Tony Romo, QB, Dal - I hate rewarding players who beat the Eagles. I hate it even more when they play for Dallas. But Romo played well in front of a hostile Sunday Night Linc crowd, going 20/25, with 324 yards and 3 TD's. Peter King's Monday Morning Quarterback column pointed out that Romo essentially signed the same deal as the Rams gave to Marc Bulger just before the season. Ladies and gentlemen, that is one terrible agent.
Marc Bulger:
A) Spells his name with a 'c' instead of a 'k'. French people spell it that way.
B) Is the quarterback of an 0-8 team.
C) Is 3 years older than Tony Romo.
D) Couldn't bang Carrie Underwood if you gave her three Roofie Coladas.

Seriously though, that agent should have been fired on the spot. What a deal for Dallas.

Game 3: Hefty def. Adam - And the Chumley goes to...
Adrian Peterson, RB, Min - The only thing that bothers me about watching Peterson is that he's always lowering his head. Didn't this guy shatter his collarbone? I'd be leery of using my head as a battering ram if I had a flimsy bone supporting it. But anyway, that's the only thing that bothers me. He got 30 carries with a healthy Chester Taylor, which leads me to believe that Brad Childress has finally woken up and smelled the Sanka. Speaking of Vikings personnel moves, how about the Koy Detmer signing by the Vikes???? You're kidding me, right? Kelly Holcomb's neck injury is no reason to bring in Captain Neckbeard.
By the way, if any sequence of events leads to Koy Detmer starting again in the NFL, there's no possible point spread that could keep me from getting back in the gambling circuit and betting against Minnesota. (OK, that sounded exactly like something Bill Simmons would type, but I stand by it).

Game 4: Jordan def. Melvin - And the Chumley goes to...
Greg Jennings, WR, GB - Greg Jennings, eh? Well, to be honest, I don't know a damn thing about him, but ESPN tells me that he's the 13th best WR in the NFL. That's shocking to say the least. Am I the only one who goes to sleep every night praying for a Brett Favre steroid scandal? Even a Vicodin relapse would be acceptable at this point. Somebody has to end the feel good story in Green Bay. It's too much. Like those chocolate donuts that are also glazed that Dunkin Donuts sells. Come on. It's either chocolate or it's glazed. Make up your mind.

Game 5: Slims def. Shawn - And the Chumley goes to...
Clinton Portis, RB, Was - Portis had a monster game, racking up 196 yards on 36 carries (which is 100 yards fewer than Peterson on 6 more carries...just saying...), and a touchdown. Probably a bittersweet week for Slimmy though, as both of his Johnsons (Larry and Chad) are up in the air for next week's game. I'd also like to thank Slimmy for beating Shawn and putting me within one game of the divisional lead, and also for not getting upset at my awkward message board posting. For the record, I voted for "A Hug", and I'd be proud to give one to you next time I see you.

Game 6: Craig def. Deewaan - And the Chumley goes to...
Earnest Graham, RB, TB - How I arrived at my decision: I'm not rewarding T.O. on the off chance he reads my work, I'm not rewarding Westbrook, or any other Eagle after that shitstain on the rug that was Week 9, Bobby Engram came extremely close to winning, but in the end, I had to give it to Graham. The most eye-popping stat? 34 carries. For Earnest Graham??? Who the eff is this guy? And he's toting the rock 34 times against Arizona, killing clock in a 17-10 win? He also probably singlehandedly kept me alive in my survivor pool, which is reason enough for me to give him the trophy.

Congratulations to all the winners. This race is really starting to heat up, with 3 second-time winners this week. Randy Moss still has a leg up on the field, but this is anyone's game with 4 weeks to play.

Week 8 Chumleys

The surging Ball Maulers were the only Autobots team to notch a win last week.

Where does the time go? It feels like I haven't posted in weeks. There's so much ground to cover today, and I know I'll miss some things. Let's see...
-Robert Goulet died, and while my future employers went with "The Coconut Bangers Ball", I'll choose "Red Ships of Spain" any day and twice on Sunday.
-Sasquatch is alive, but it might be a bear instead.

Ok, I think I covered all the important stuff. On to those Chumley awards you've anxiously been awaiting.

Game 1: Hefty def. Aaron - And the Chumley goes to...
Braylon Edwards, WR, Cle - I was listening to a Fantasy Football Podcast at work today and they were talking about if they could redraft midseason, how would it go? Brady was taken first, Tomlinson taken second, Addai taken third, Randy Moss taken 4th. Here's my point, dude...Braylon Edwards was the next receiver they took! Braylon's definitely winning me over at this point in the season, but the second best wide receiver?? Absurdity, right? Well maybe not. 37 catches, 669 yards, 9 TD's, all while playing for the pigskin wasteland known as the Cleveland Browns. Pretty amazing season for Braylon so far.

Game 2: Shawn def. Melvin - And the Chumley goes to...
Chargers, D/ST, SD - 29 fantasy points out of a defense is re-donkey-kong. If you need help visualizing how a defense could score this many points, here's your frame of reference: 29 fantasy points is the same number the Giants defense scored against the Eagles in the 'Winston Justice' game.

Game 3: Mike def. Jordan - And the Chumley goes to...
Antonio Gates, TE, SD - Derek Anderson could have gotten the nod here after his 248 yard, 3 TD day, but I went with Gates and his 3 catch, 92 yard, 2 TD day instead. Like much of Southern California, Gates was on fire on Sunday.
Too soon, or just not that funny? You decide.

Game 4: Paul def. Craig - And the Chumley goes to...
Philip Rivers QB, SD - When you throw 11 passes, and three of them are touchdowns, you've had yourself a pretty solid day. Rivers seems to be one of the most hot-and-cold QB's in the league. He's had 4 games with two or more touchdowns, and 3 games with no touchdowns. There's no middle ground here, but the important thing is that San Diego's offense seems to have found it's spark again after sputtering through the opening part of the schedule.

Game 5: Dave def. Adam - And the Chumley goes to...
Drew Brees, QB, NO - While I'd normally give this award to Jason Elam for his kicking heroics, it would be irresponsible of me to ignore Brees's monstrous 336 yard, 4 touchdown game against the Niners. Brees has climbed out of a major early season slump to become our league's 14th ranked QB. He's tossed eight touchdowns in the last three games, and the schedule looks pretty favorable for Brees the rest of the way.

Game 6: Shelby def. Rich - And the Chumley goes to...
Joseph Addai, RB, Ind - Addai led all RB's by a 9 point margin on Sunday, and is the fifth ranked back in the league. I personally think he'll have a strong performance against the Colts on Sunday, who hopefully can get a win so we can finally read a sports story about a city other than Boston for a week. Even the Philadelphia media is Boston-centric. It's T.O. Week, and the big sports story is that Curt Schilling could be coming back to the Phillies. I just need something different. I'm even getting excited by Kobe Bryant trade rumors, even though there's less than a 0% chance he'd end up in Philadelphia. Just anything to break up the Celtics-Sox-Pats (even a moderate amount of Boston College) monopoly on ESPN programming. Enough already. I just got my Sports Illustrated in the mail and I'm scared to open it. Papelbon's on the cover and Brady's brooding up in the upper left corner.
Sidenote: It's almost impossible to type Joe's last name without typing Adidas first and then backspacing and fixing it. And it's not like Adidas is even something I type that often.

Back To Business: Week 7 Chumleys

Repucci flashes an ice grill after beating Slimmy and climbing to the top of his division.

OK, enough of this birthday autofellatio nonsense, we's got some work to do. Although I always hate handing these out when I lose, the show must go on. Here are the stars that shone brightest in Week 7.

Game 1: Rich def. Hefty - And the Chumley goes to...
Santonio Holmes, WR, Pit - When in doubt, go with the guy who drove the last nail in the coffin. That's Chumley Tiebreaker Number 5. Due to a whirlwind weekend at State College, I didn't get home until about an hour before kickoff of the Steelers-Broncos game. And since I hadn't yet watched the Eagles debacle, I didn't check any fantasy scores. I watched the game on DVR, and then flipped open my laptop sometime in the second quarter of Steelers-Broncos at which point I was winning by about 4 points. A few minutes into the second half, Santonio caught a touchdown and drove the nail in my coffin. Santonio had a decent game, catching 6 balls for 54 yards and a touchdown. A case could also be made for Andre Davis, but I'm making the executive decision and going with Santonio.

Game 2: Deewaan def. Melvin - And the Chumley goes to...
LenDale White, RB, Ten - LenDale White refused to receive this award after he found out it was inedible. But seriously, LenDale White?! Indeed it's true. LenDale carried 27 times for 104 yards and a touchdown in Sunday's shootout win against the Texans. White piled up 22.5 points for Dave's squad, but wasn't even the most valuable Titan. That would be Rob Bironas, who was 8-8 on field goal tries.
This performance makes me all the more frustrated that we traded up with the Titans in 2006 to take Winston Justice in the second round, while they used our pick to take LenDale. I've always loved the big fella. He's a pile pusher.

Game 3: Aaron def. Slimmy - And the Chumley goes to...
Laver-anus Coles, WR, NYJ - This probably shouldn't count since he was playing the Bengals, but Coles posted 8 catches, 133 yards, and 2 TDs. Coles has quietly put together a nice season, as he now has 6 touchdowns on the year, and has scored 10 or more points in 5 games this season.

Game 4: Adam def. Craig - And the Chumley goes to...
Tom Brady, QB, NE - I suppose 21/25, 354 yards, 6 touchdowns, 0 interceptions is a decent day for a quarterback. But I say that Brady is too one-dimensional to make an impact in the NFL long-term. You want to hear his rushing stats??? 0 carries for 0 yards. Pathetic. Defensive coordinators will soon figure out that all he does is throw the ball, and that's when they'll pull the rug out from under the Patriots offensive scheme.

Game 5: Shawn def. Jordan - And the Chumley goes to...
Randy Moss, WR, NE - Looking back on things, it's pretty unbelievable that nobody else saw this coming. Sure, Moss can be disruptive (read: super black) at times, but there was no way that he wasn't still talented enough to become an elite wideout again. He made Culpepper look like John Elway, and we saw what happened to Pep once he lost Moss. He stunk for a while, then blew out his knee, changed teams twice, and still can't get a grasp on a starting role. With the G-D Raiders!! Meanwhile, Randy's in Cali playing with Kerry Collins and Aaron Brooks and Marques Tuisasopo and Andrew Walter, and we wonder why he's not lighting up secondaries anymore. So then you put him with an established passer, and what happens? Well, he's on pace to destroy the receiving touchdown record and lead a team to 16-0 and a Super Bowl win. Gee, that's all??

Game 6: Mike def. Shelby - And the Chumley goes to...
Cowboys, D/ST, Dal - Although I hate them because 1) they're the Cowboys, and 2) they held Adrian Peterson in check most of the day, you've got to applaud the effort by Big D's Big D. Dallas's D allowed 7 points, and returned a blocked field goal for a touchdown of their own. Even better, they broke Tavaris Jackson's finger on his passing hand, leading towards the inevitable scenario where Kelly Holcomb ends up starting this game and beats us after we traded him away in the preseason.

Congratulations to all the winners, and somebody tell Randy to start getting his acceptance speech ready for the end of the season.

Week 6 Chumleys: The Mucus Queen Is Yours!

The NFL hasn't seen a neck like that since Merton Hanks roamed the 49ers secondary.

Ah Week 6, we hardly knew ye. It was definitely my favorite football weekend of the young season, with PSU, the Eagles, and both my fantasy teams notching wins. But alas, all good things come to an end. Let's take one last look back and see who's worthy of some well-earned hardware.

Game 1: Shawn def. Craig - And the Chumley goes to...
Joey Galloway, WR, TB - If you had asked me before the season to name some potential 2-time Chumley award winners, I would have given you about 200 other names before I got to Galloway. But now, here in week 6, Galloway has pulled himself into the drivers seat in this MVP race. Joey helped his case on Sunday with a 4 catch, 97 yard, 1 touchdown day to lead all of Shawn's scorers with 18.8 points.

Game 2: Hefty def. Deewaan - And the Chumley goes to...
Adrian Peterson, RB, Min - The rest of the internet seems to be giving this guy his proper ball washing (scroll down to 'Should Peterson Have Been No. 1?' post on that last link), so I'd better get my licks in before it's too late. While I still think it's more likely that he'll get tragically injured before he ever has a game like that again, Peterson was unbelievably good against a Bears defense that, while a little banged up, is still one of the elite defenses in the NFL. His first touchdown run looked like something out of Tecmo Super Bowl, and the other two weren't so bad either. Anyway, Adrian gets the slight nod over Tomlinson and Braylon Edwards this week, and hopefully it won't be his last.

Game 3: Adam def. Shelby - And the Chumley goes to...
Tom Brady, QB, NE - He partially gets the nod due to beating the Cowboys, ending the media-grope-fest that was going on over Tony Romo and Dallas for the past 5 weeks. He also partially gets the nod for playing the best 60 minutes of quarterbacking anybody's slapped together this season (even better than Carson Palmer's 6-touchdown Week 2). 388 yards. 5 TDs. No interceptions. Unbelievable. He kept everybody involved in the offense, going from one star wideout to the next. It was a wildly entertaining game that lived up to the massive hype, and Brady had a lot to do with that.

Game 4: Aaron def. Melvin - And the Chumley goes to...
Donte' Stallworth, WR, NE - Donte' was largely excluded from the Patriots passing game the first 5 weeks of the season, catching no more than 4 balls in any of those games. Well on Sunday, he broke out with 7 catches for 136 yards and a touchdown.
Excuse me for being pessimistic about the Eagles after a win, but would it really have killed us to try to work out a contract extension with this guy? If you wanted Kevin Curtis, that's okay, we still could have taken him, too. Curtis, Stallworth and Reggie Brown would have given us another major weapon to add to our offense which has been comatose in 4 out of 5 games this season. Just frustrating.

Game 5: Rich def. Jordan - And the Chumley goes to...
Tony Gonzalez, TE, KC - Gonzalez has scored over 10 fantasy points in the last four weeks, and now has just 5 points less than Jason Witten, the player he was traded for in our league before the season started. Gonzalez is benefitting from improved play in two out of the past three weeks from Larry Johnson, and the emergence of rookie Dwayne Bowe into the offense as a legitimate threat. The Chiefs are playing better offensively than I would have expected this year, and Gonzalez is showing that he's still one of the best tight ends in the league.

Game 6: Paul def. Mike - And the Chumley goes to...
TJ Houshmandzadeh, WR, Cin - I almost awarded this Chumley to Matt Stover for his 5/5 field goal, 18 point fantasy performance against St. Louis. But ultimately, TJ played well in a comeback rally that fell short (read: garbage time) against the Chiefs. He put up 8 catches for 145 yards and two touchdowns. TJ has caught at least 8 passes in all five of the Bengals games so far, and is second in the NFL in receptions (47) to only Derrick Mason (49), who has played one more game than Housh has.

One more thing...after my 212 point week, I'm feeling extremely generous. I feel like giving you all a gift that has blessed my life in oh so many ways.

Dearest readers, I give you, The Werewolf Bar Mitzvah. If you don't laugh at this, I don't ever want you coming back to A Little Slap And Pickle!! It's not for you.

Without Further Ado, Your Week 5 Chumleys

Bartender, please cut that statue off, it's clearly had too much to drink...

So another week in the rear-view mirror now, and we've got our second straight set of low-scoring affairs. Everybody's now gotten to take their first sip of victory this season, except for You Know Who, and this is when things start getting interesting. The injury list is long and contains many significant names. The key to the rest of the season is making smart lineup decisions and playing the all-important waiver wire like a well-tuned fiddle. Let's see which players were the keys to victory for their teams this weekend.

Game 1: N. Korea def. Chicago - And the Chumley goes to...
Patrick G-D Crayton, WR, Dal. Let's see if you're picking up on a theme here: blog provokes wide receiver generally thought to be crappy, previously-thought-crappy receiver then turns in big time numbers, leads team to victory, receiver wins Chumley, blogger hangs head in excessive amounts of shame. Last week was Jerry Porter's moment in the sun, this week, Patrick Crayton was the one getting his comeuppance. I'd type more about Crayfish, but it's awkward typing around my leg when my foot's in my mouth.

Game 2: Diseased Nuts def. Areolas - And the Chumley goes to...
Steelers D. Last week in the power rankings I made a comment about Nick Folk and the Pittsburgh D. I think my tone was misinterpreted. I was actually commenting that these were two of A-Rep's most important pieces, and questioning the rest of the team. It probably didn't come out as such. Anyway, Blitzburgh stopped the Seahawks dead in their tracks this week, and allowed Aaron to do the same to Craig. This is the Steel Curtain's second Chumley.

Game 3: Canada def. T-Bags - And the Chumley goes to...
Chargers D. Monster game for the Merrimans this weekend. They were able to hold Denver to 3 points in Mile High, and anybody who did the city of Denver emotional damage this weekend is a winner in my book. The Bolts piled on 22 points, which were needed to keep pace with Shelby, whose Patriots D scored 21 points of their own.

Game 4: Jabroc def. Larry Craig - And the Chumley goes to...
Larry Fitzgerald, WR, Ari. What happens when Anquan Boldin isn't around, and Kurt Warner regains his early 2000's form? Well, for Fitzgerald this weekend, it meant 9 catches for 136 and a TD. Leinart went on the IR earlier this week, and it will now be all Warner all the time for Arizona. This can only be good for the stock of Fitzgerald, and eventually Boldin when he returns.
While we're sort of on the topic here, can somebody explain the Leinart-Warner platoon scenario to me? You've got one quarterback who you play when you've got the lead because they run better out of a ball control offense (read: handing off to Edgerrin James and wasting time in the huddle), and one quarterback who you play when you're losing and you need a spark (read: not huddling up, and getting the ball to two of the best WRs in football). So...why not jut play the guy who can leads the comebacks all the time? Theoretically, if he's so good at moving the offense, you wouldn't be playing from behind, would you? I don't know.
Second sidenote: Good to see our boy Rod Hood scoring a touchdown this weekend. I'm sure that made Shelby's day.

Game 5: Hawaii def. Holidaysburg - And the Chumley goes to...
Empty, WR - Let's face it. You don't really deserve a Chumley here since Craig set your lineup. And the fact that you won with 8 active players over Adam's 9 is pretty funny. So let's reward the empty wide receiver spot, who contributed nothing, yet provided us sheer comedy value.

Game 6: Delaware def. Bisbee - And the Chumley goes to...
Plaxico Burress, WR, NYG - Plaxico's been the best WR not named Randy Moss this season, and he continued his asskicking season with 124 yards and TD this weekend in the Battle of New York. If Burress is playing this well with a sprained ankle, the sky is pretty much the limit for him when completely healthy. Then again, before the advent of Aspirin, marijuana was the most widely prescribed medication for pain relief. So...maybe Plax doesn't feel anything anyway.

Congratulations to the two defenses, the three receivers, and of course, Empty.

Week 4 Chumley Axshun

Jordaroo knocked off Adam, and finds himself at 3-1.

Scoring was down somewhat in Week 4. As a result, this may be our weakest Chumley induction class to date. Half of these guys didn't do anything special, they just happened to suck less than the rest of the winning team's players. Ah, that's parity for ya.
Sidenote: I'm already preparing Matt Schaub's Week 5 acceptance speech for when I beat the living snot out of J-Ying this weekend.

Game 1: Jon Hefty def. Paul Davis - And the Chumley goes to...
LaDainian Tomlinson, RB, SD - This is LT's first Chumley of the season and I'm somehow 3-1. That's pretty amazing. LaDainian finally broke out of his shell with 154 yards and score. However, I'm scared by this Chargers team. Playing second-half catch-up to the Chiefs? Really? They couldn't have built a first half lead and ran the ball 80 times in the second half? I'm really confused by this. This same exact roster went 14-2 last year. Is Norv Turner really that awful of a coach?

Game 2: Rich Ely def. Craig Fritz - And the Chumley goes to...
Tony Romo, QB, Dal - Romo hooked up with Patrick Crayton on 2 of his 3 passing touchdowns, and ran another one in. It pains me to write this, but the Cowboys are head and shoulders the best team in the NFC at this point. Another 40+ fantasy point week for Romo, who is currently the number 1 overall player in our league.

Game 3: Jordan Yingling def. Adam Davis - And the Chumley goes to...
Peyton Manning, QB, Ind - Part of this award is for the 3 touchdowns Peyton tossed on Sunday. The other part is for the delicious irony of Jordan using Peyton Manning, Adam's first round pick, to beat Adam. Sidenote: Cedric Benson stinks. On the bright side, his knee cap is still attached to his shin bone, so that's a plus.

Game 4: Shelby Fidler def. Matt Melvin - And the Chumley goes to...
Dallas Clark, TE, Ind - I'm starting to think that weird Sprint commercial for "Manning's Mind" is closer to reality than we may have thought. The little boy who whispers 'Clark', seems to be talking to Peyton on every single play, as Dallas keeps picking up yards and touchdowns. This week, he racked up 76 yards and 2 touchdowns. Although, I should point out that Marvin Harrison was triple covered by dolphins most of the game.

Game 5: Mike Walbert def. Shawn Hussein - And the Chumley goes to...
Jerry Porter, WR, Oak - Remember the face Faith Hill made when Carrie Underwood won the "Best Female Artist" award at the CMA's a while back?
Oh, really? You don't? What do you mean you don't watch Country Music Award shows?
Well, anyway, that's the face I'm making right now. I am the judge and jury when it comes to the Chumleys and even I couldn't rig this damn thing so Porter couldn't win a Chumley mere days after I shipped him off to Mike. I remember thinking two things when that trade passed...
1. Goodbye, Rex Grossman!!
2. Goodbye, Jerry Porter!!
Well, there's a lesson out there for you kids. And I think it's that Jerry Porter is a pedophile.

Game 6: Aaron Repucci def. Dave Wanner - And the Chumley goes to...
Matt Hasselbeck, QB, Sea - By default. A-Rep's team played some seriously ugly ball this weekend, but Elizabeth's brother in law at least managed to break 20 points. Now, kindly leave before you sully the good name of Chumley.

That's all for Week 4. All our winners are first time recipients, so the players to watch are still Brian Westbrook and Randy Moss.

Handing Out Some Hardware: Week 3 Chumleys

For beating me, Craig's reward is his face on the prestigious Chumley.

.
So Week 3 is now in the books and I'm proud to announce that this Chumley race is starting to show its first signs of life. Two of today's recipients have already won this coveted award, making them our first Two-Time-Chumley recipients. Who are they? Let's find out.
.
Game 1: Craig def. Hefty - And the Chumley goes to...
Brian Westbrook, RB, Phi - If you watched the Eagles game this weekend, this one is obvious. Westbrook was clearly the most talented player on the field, rushing and receiving for 221 total yards. He also made three trips to the end zone. Unbelievable game after missing most of last week's practice. This is Brian's second Chumley award.
.
Game 2: Rich def. Adam - And the Chumley goes to...
Reggie Bush, RB, NO - I put a little more emphasis on the players in Monday Night games. They feel more dramatic for fantasy purposes. Tony Romo put up better numbers, but Reggie Bush sealed the deal for Rich last night. As I predicted yesterday in 'Photo Finishes', Bush hit paydirt (twice) and propelled Rich to his first win of the season. Bush will now be getting the lion's share of the work in New Orleans after Deuce McAllister's knee injury, which is rumored to be a season ending ACL tear (sorry, Mike!).
.
Game 3: Slims def. Shelby - And the Chumley goes to...
Philip Rivers, QB, SD - There were a couple worthy recipients on Paul's team, but Rivers put up 31.8 points as opposed to Shelby's quarterback, Marc Bulger, putting up -0.3. Rivers looks like he's finally developing into a trustworthy fantasy quarterback, putting up 5 passing touchdowns over the last two weeks against two solid defenses.

Game 4: Melvin def. Mike - And the Chumley goes to...
Ronnie Brown, RB, Mia - The big guy finally shows his potential with what is by far his best game as a pro. My take is that he's still too inconsistent to trust with a starting spot every week, but you certainly can't argue with a game like the one he had Sunday. Brown narrowly edges out McNabb because in my opinion, the Ronnie Brown stats were more WTF worthy.

Game 5: Shawn def. Aaron - And the Chumley goes to...
Randy Moss, WR, NE - Moss continues his assault on the AFC defensive backs with his third straight 100 yard game and second straight two touchdown game. He is currently the top ranked wide receiver in the game, but more importantly, he is now also a two-time Chumley award winner.

Game 6: Jordan def. Deewaan - And the Chumley goes to...
Marion Barber, RB, Dal - Barber picks up where he left off last season, which is making frequent trips to the end zone. He scored for the third straight game this season, and more importantly, for the first time all year, he got more carries than Julius Jones. Add in his first 100 yard rushing game of the season, and what's not to love here?

Congratulations to all our recipients, and keep posted for the updated Chumley Watch standings.

Handing Out The Week 2 Chumleys

Now that's a handsome trophy!!

It's time once again to reward those players who gave a little extra on Sunday. In reality, all the Chumley award winners this week should probably be from my team, but, I made the rules last week, so I'll stick to my guns: 1 Chumley winner from each winning team, for a total of 6 Chumley trophies. Let's see who shaped the fantasy landscape in a significant way this week.
.
Game 1: Craig def. Melvin - And the Chumley goes to...
Brian Westbrook, RB, Phi - Before Monday night's game, this contest was still up in the air. Westbrook did enough to hold off Melvin's two headed monster of Donovan McNabb and David Akers, who booted four field goals against the Redskins.
.
Game 2: Shawn def. Rich - And the Chumley goes to...
Joey Galloway, WR, TB - Randy Moss's numbers were just as good, honestly, but Joey Galloway putting up 135 yards and two scores is a true WTF moment. Joey gets the nod here for some serious overachievement.
.
Game 3: Slimmy def. Jordan - And the Chumley goes to...
Chad Johnson, WR, Cin - Chad led the league in receiving yardage and number of beers dumped on him by the Dawg Pound. Chad is off to a phenomenal start to the season, with 300+ yards and 3 TD's.
.
Game 4: Hefty def. Mike - And the Chumley goes to...
Carson Palmer, QB, Cin - The man getting Chad the ball on Sunday also racked up 4 touchdowns to other targets. A 6 touchdown day at Cleveland gave Carson the most fantasy points in one game so far (54.5 points).
.
Game 5: Aaron def. Adam - And the Chumley goes to...
Frank Gore, RB, SF - Frank the Tank found the endzone twice on Sunday against the Rams just a few days after the death of his mother. Of course, he's black, so nobody makes a big deal about this, like they did when Brett Favre's dad died and he played on Monday Night Football a few years ago.
.
Game 6: Shelby def. Dave - And the Chumley goes to...
Edgerrin James, RB, Ari - It seems like the new regime out in Arizona is dedicated to getting Edge the ball as many times as possible. He's got 50 carries through the first two games of the season, and he picked up 128 yards and a touchdown on Sunday. The schedule gets a little tougher from here on out, as Edge will play against the Ravens and Steelers in back-to-back weeks.
.
So there you have it. Your week 2 Chumley winners. Everybody still has just 1 Chumley, as all of this week's winners were first-time recipients. The Chumley Watch will be updated accordingly.

And The Chumley Goes To...

It's time to hand out some well-earned hardware.
.

First of all, right off the bat, no punches pulled, let me just congratulate Dave Wanner on the phenomenal photoshoppery that you see above. I asked Dave to modify the Heisman in such a way that it beared the head of one of our league members, and he came through. You're a good man, sir.

Now, a word about the following column. When watching the VMA's the other night, I decided that there just aren't enough arbitrary awards being handed out in this world. Is Fall Out Boy definitely better than the White Stripes? I never thought so, but MTV says otherwise, so I guess I was wrong all along! Not wanting to miss out on the fun, I've decided to reward some NFL players with the official award of Fisting Jerry Dunn.

My first step was choosing a name. It seemed that most of the other names of awards were all gay sounding and ended in 'y'. The Emmy, the Tony, the Grammy, etc. I didn't want to break that rich tradition, so I went with the gayest word ending in 'y' that I could think of, Chumley.

From there I had to come up with criteria for the Chumley. What I've decided to do is hand out 6 Chumleys after every week of game. The Chumley will go to the most exceptional player on each of the 6 winning fantasy teams each week. I've decided that in this case, 'exceptional' means the following:

-Player put up a massive amount of points

-Player far outperformed expectations of self

-Player gave fantasy team a significant advantage at one position

-Player made a badass play that resulted in extra fantasy points

With these criteria in mind, I will now announce the first weekly Chumley award winners for the 2007 season. Each player's Chumleys will be carefully tabulated throughout the season, and the player with the most Chumley awards will be designated Fisting Jerry Dunn's Most Valuable Player. That player will likely get a pizza party at Chuck E. Cheez or something equally lame. The budget's tight here this season. Now, let's get on with the awards.

Game 1: Mike def. Craig - And the Chumley goes to...

Antonio Gates, TE, San Diego. Antonio gave Mike a much needed cushion at tight end, outscoring counterpart Ben Watson by more than 12 points.

Game 2: Hefty def. Melvin - And the Chumley goes to...
Marshawn Lynch, RB, Buffalo. Marshawn came out with both guns blazing in his first NFL game against a tough Denver defense and racked up 90+ rushing yards and a 23 yard touchdown.

Game 3: Aaron def. Rich - And the Chumley goes to...
Steelers, D/ST, Pittsburgh. The Steel Curtain was as effective in fantasy as it was in the real NFL, racking up 22 points in a severe beatdown on the Cleveland Browns.

Game 4: Shawn def. Aaron - And the Chumley goes to...
Randy Moss, WR, New England. Moss led the league in receiving yards, and reeled in a 51 yard touchdown in his first game as a Patriot.

Game 5: Slimmy def. Dave - And the Chumley goes to...

LaMont Jordan, RB, Oak. ESPN.com's least favorite running back on draft day turned into quite a valuable commodity for young Slims, as he was the second highest scoring running back in our league.

Game 6: Jordan def. Shelby - And the Chumley goes to...
Reggie Wayne, WR, Ind. Reggie's monster game on Thursday night gave Jordan a lead that he never gave back up in cruising to a season opening win.

Congratulations to all the winners. As the season progresses, I'll have a Chumley tracker that shows the leaderboard. For now, it's easy! They all have 1!!