Week 5 Power Rankings: Bend It Like Shelby

Miss Spears and our new Number 1 team have a lot in common.

I had a intro paragraph written here about how tough it is to judge teams, how the ball bounces your way one week, and the next it hits you in the ass, etc...
I ended up deleting it because it's cliche and tired. Yes, good teams lose from time to time. Bad teams win (except You Know Who) from time to time. Life goes on. Anyway, what I want to talk about instead of boring cliches is the fact that I just plunked down 40 dollars on FIFA 2008 instead of betting on the Patriots/Cowboys game as mentioned yesterday. As I saw it, when betting on the NFL, two outcomes were possible:
1. Lose. Become enraged.
2. Win. Get excited. Roll winnings over to next week's 'sure thing'. Lose. Become enraged.

You see? Both 1 and 2 had the same endgame. So I did what any logical human would do. I bought a video game of a sport I know little about based on rave reviews from Europeans. FIFA 2002 World Cup was a staple of 3302 Nittany Apts, so I figure 6 years later, the game has to be just as entertaining, if not more so. And if not, maybe I can snoop around online and see if there's a cheat code where David Beckham strips naked after every goal.

On to your Power Rankings. I've included a "streak" stat after each team's record. Helps my case a little bit.

1. Jordan (4-1, W3, Previously #3)
He's number 1 on this list, but he's a very vulnerable number 1. Manning and Reggie Wayne have the week off, Marion Barber plays the Patriots, and Shaun Alexander's personal battering ram, Mack Strong, is retiring after a neck injury. He's ripe for the picking, Rich.

2. Paul (4-1, W1, Previously #2)
He was ineligible to be voted number 1 this week. It's a one-week penalty for staging a walkout. Now let's never discuss it again.

3. Shawn (4-1, W1, Previously #4)
Randy Moss is this year's version of Tomlinson, right? Not that he's far and away the best player in the game, like LT was last year, but when you're playing him, you just wonder, "Well, hopefully they'll just hold him to 80 yards and a touchdown." He's sicknasty and the sky is the limit again this week in his most marquee game of the year.

4. Hefty (3-2, L1, Previously #1)
Welcome back Carson Palmer and Adrian Peterson!! Let's just say the dropoff to Matt Schaub and Jerrious Norwood last week was noticable. That's putting it kindly. Thank God I didn't actually have to watch those full grown fallopian tubes play on Sunday. Thanks for the good players, Mike.

5. Aaron (4-1, W2, Previously #6)
The Steelers D bye will end up costing you dearly. In other news, Maurice Jones-Drew scored a touchdown last week!! Good for him! Jacksonville's a strange team. I don't think I've had any real reason to acknowledge that they exist this season. I don't own any of their players, I don't want any of their players, I don't remember going up against any of their players, and I haven't seen them on TV other than maybe 1 or 2 times on NFL Live highlights. And yet somehow they're 3-1? Totally under my radar.

6. Rich (3-2, W3, Previously #10)
Some interesting stashes on Rich's bench. Does he know something we don't?? Maybe. Why else would Terry Glenn and JP Losman still have a roster spot. Glenn hasn't played a down this year, and JP Losman is:
A: Hurt
B: A Buffalo Bill
C: Crappy when he's not hurt
D: Not necessarily the starter when he's done being hurt.
E: On a bye this week

7. Melvin (1-4, L2, Previously #5)
A quick glance at the Big Fella's lineup shows us that Empty, WR is going for his second straight Chumley this weekend. By week's end, Reggie Williams will probably beat out Empty for the starting spot, but it shouldn't make much of a difference.
***Loud Sirens***
Hey-O! That siren means it's time for "Hefty Gets Pwn3d by an Untalented Wide Receiver!!!" This week's contestant is Reggie Williams of Jacksonville. Let's see if he makes me eat my words just like Jerry Porter and Patrick Crayton did. 60 minutes on the clock, Reggie. Go!!!

8. Shelby (2-3, L1, Previously #7)
Something to celebrate: Shelby is currently #1 on the waiver wire order. It's all going according to plan, isn't it, Shelbs?! We're all just pawns in your brilliant chess game.

9. Mike (2-3, L1, Previously #8)
Not a Typo: Aaron Stecker, RB1.
Also Not a Typo: Kevin Faulk, RB2.

10. Craig (2-3, L2, Previously #9)
The Kurt Warner Era begins! This was actually a really good pickup. Somebody in my other league just paid $65 out of a $500 salary cap to get him.

11. Deewaan (1-4, W1, Previously #11)
If Deewaan beats me, I will come into work with a Domino's Oreo Dessert Pizza Mustache for the entire week. And if I beat him, I will come into work with a Domino's Oreo Dessert Pizza Taint. I can't lose!!!!

12. Adam (0-5, L5, Previously #12)
In my everyday conversations, I've began replacing the word "Twelve" with "Adam". It just feels natural.
"Hey Hefty, how many eggs in a dozen?"
"Adam. There are Adam eggs in a dozen."