Week 7 Power Rankings

This week's #1 team has gone 6-1 with a platoon of QBs that make Tommy "Steaming" Maddox look like Dan Marino.

Right to the rankings this week. No shenanigans.

1. Canadian Cripplers (6-1, W3, Previous #4)
Living proof that fantasy quarterbacks aren't worth a damn. He's 6-1 despite starting David Garrard, Joey Harrington, Matt Leinart, and Jake Delhomme. This week, Shawn calls on the arm of Brian Griese to lead his troops into battle. You have to give Shawn credit here, most GMs would have panicked and made a crappy trade, but Shawn has stuck to his guns and cycled through free agent pickups. Shawn also made the shrewdest move of the season, snatching up Chris Henry weeks before he'd be available to play, at which point he and Carson Palmer will connect for 7 or 8 touchdowns. Take it to the bank!

2. LymeZ Diz-eeZ Nutz (6-1, W4, Previous #5)
The Dizeez Nutz are banged up this week. Both Frank Gore and MoJo Drew suffered injuries in Week 7. Gore should be good to go, Drew looks like a gametime decision is looming. David Garrard is out at least a month, which means Quinn Gray is the new starter down in J-Ville. I make a comment about crappy QBs letting defenses flood the line of scrimmage almost every week on this blog, but isn't this the ultimate "11 men in the box" scenario? What NFL defense is frightened of Quinn Gray??
Donte' Stallworth has caught a TD in each of the last three games and has finally developed a rhythym with Brady despite somewhat of a slow start. I'd be worried about this development, but Wes Welker has 20 catches and 4 touchdowns in the last two games.

3. Hawaii McLovin (5-2, L1, Previous #1)
When Larry Johnson has a bye, and your two starting running backs are ranked in the top 14 (LaMont Jordan, Clinton Portis), I'd say you've got a pretty deep team. Heath Miller has had a great year so far with 4 touchdowns, and playing the Bengals this week, he could easily score 4 more.
The one problem I have with this team (this week anyway) is that three of your players have @NE next to their name. That's not good. It means they're playing the Patriots, at Foxboro, and they're going to get slaughtered. I know they're still your best options, and there's the opportunity for some garbage time TD's (hell, even the Dolphins put up 28 points last weekend), but it's just a scary thought sending 1/3 of your team up against New England.

4. Jabroc Junk Jabbers (5-2, W5, Previous #6)
Birthday boy Richie fullfills his prophesied destiny and has now reached the top 4. His journey is much like that of Lemmiwinks, the Gerbil King. Your lineup this week looks pretty bad honestly, but you've won 5 in a row, and you beat my sorry ass last week, so I'll give you your due props.
Lee Evans finally showed a pulse last week, catching 5 balls for 98 yards.

5. Chicago Bear Grylls (4-3, L1, Previous #2)
I can only hope that the return of Steve Smith, Braylon, and Tomlinson means the rest of my team will be scoring enough points that I don't have to secretly enjoy Adrian Peterson's 90 yard touchdown runs against the Eagles on Sunday. Now I can make an angry face when he scores, and even act sociopathic at my grandmother's birthday dinner on Sunday. Maybe I can kick one of my mom's terriers. Damn things look like mop heads.

6. License To Kim Jong Il (4-3, L2, Previous #3)
Just a feeling: Peyton and Reggie go happy-go-jacky like a donkey eating a waffle on Sunday and hook up for 3 touchdowns. This is not only a must-win game for the Colts, it's a must-destroy game for them. The Colts are too disciplined to let themselves look ahead to the Patriots next week, and at the same time, they'll want to send a message to the rest of the NFL, who has already put them at a distant #2 behind New England this year.
One bright spot for Jordan's opponent this week, the Ball Maulers, is that both of Kim Jong Il's starting running backs have a bye this week, and he'll be filling in with Kenny Watson, Selvin Young, and/or Reuben Droughns.

7. Bisbee Ball Maulers (3-4, W1, Previous #9)
The Hector and Victor automatron predicts 100+ yards and 2 touchdowns a piece for Marshawn Lynch and Willie Parker this weekend. And I don't think that's too far fetched. Lynch plays the Jonathan Vilma-less Jets defense, and Willie plays Cincy.
Despite this weekend's good matchups, I think Bisbee could be headed for a decline in the near future. Mike, I think you'll find it approximately 10 times harder making informed Fantasy football decisions, when you're being presented with questions like "What side dishes should we serve with the beef curtains?" and "What shade of chartreuse best matches my eyes?"

8. Hollidaysburgs' MPJs (2-5, W2, Previous #11)
This is not a drill.
Adam has reached respectability.
Please make your way to the nearest exits, and assist yourself before assisting children.
In the event that Adam wins three straight games, your seat cushion may be used as a floatation device.

9. Delaware Ding Dong Danglers (2-5, W1, Previous #12)
The Homoerotic Adventures Of Groom Hefty: Part 2
I had never experimented with food in the bedroom before, but the way the butter cream from my wedding cake so perfectly complimented Dave's perfectly sculpted buns, I just couldn't resist diving in face first. I hoped the Electric Slide was loud enough so that the rest of the guests wouldn't hear our unbridled lust culminating in one beautiful symbiatic act. It was time to bump uglies. "Grab me by the hair!!!" I squealed, "and call me Justine!" He was all too happy to oblige.
Next Week: Part Three!!
Drew Brees is starting to be good, Plaxico is good, LenDale is plump, but good, blah blah blah.

10. Larry Craig Fritzes (1-6, L4, Previous #7)
So wait...it's not a good thing when you lose the top ranked running back in the league? No, it's really not. I think it's unbelievable that Melvin has the second most points this season and the worst record overall. That's almost impossible. Nevertheless, this is still a pretty good team, and if Rudi Johnson returns to form at all, Melvin could start to make a run towards .500.

11. Pocket T Bags (2-5, L3, Previous #8)
Since Shelby doesn't contribute to this league in any way, I'll refuse to comment on his team.
Is it really that hard to send an email once in a while? I know the Patent Industry is booming now more than ever, but jeepers creepers, you could have been in a coma for the past three months and I wouldn't know the difference.

12. Hairy Areolas (2-5, L4, Previous #10)
Hi Commish!!!! So strange to see you way down here!!!
Fact: Roydell Williams and Mushin Muhammad have both outscored Marvin Harrison this year (yes, I know MarHar was hurt).
Fact: EMPTY is not a good play at starting QB, but at least he won't duplicate Kurt Warner's magical -2.2 point day.
Fact: I giggled like a schoolboy when I saw I could legitimately put you at #12 this week.


Fact: Inspired by the drunken wailings of Baron Von Fritz, the Nittany Lions will prevail on Saturday Night, by a count of 17-14.


Fact: They will then lose to Temple and Michigan State and play in the Galleryfurniture.com Bowl.