Third Place Is Second Loser

Ah, Bronze...crappiest of all the precious metals.

I'm not sure who decided the hierarchy of medals for rewarding competitors. Some say it was the Ancient Greeks. Others, the Chinese. But no mater who came up with this idea, it's safe to say they should have just awarded a Gold and Silver and called it a day. The bronze looks cheap. It's malleable and tarnishes quickly, and in many ways, so are Bronze Medal winners. They're significant only because they stand on the lowest step of a podium, and then their memory is quickly forgotten.

In horse racing, there are three options; Win (1st), Place (2nd), or Show (3rd). Show? What the hell does that mean? You showed up? Wow, sounds mighty impressive! So did 7 other horses that also didn't win.

However, all animosity for third placery aside, this league actually offers a rather tantalizing runner-up game. And besides, if this were really the WWF, for every Mankind vs. Triple H hell-in-a-cell pay-per-view headliner, you get at least six to ten X-Pac vs. Shane McMahon for the European Championship type undercards. I like our version though: Jordan's Ils will take on Rich's Jabbers for the jackpot sum of $75. Which means slightly more than Craig won this season. Not a great prize, but I still dig the matchup. Let's peek around and get somebody set up with a direct deposit for the check.

3rd Place Game: L2KJI vs. JJJ

QBs: Peyton Manning vs. Tony Romo - Slight Edge: Rich.
This Jessica Simpson bullshit story is ridiculous. Do you want to know what this is? This is sportscasters trying to find a relevant way to announce that they'd like to bang Jessica. Big deal. We know, guys. The fact of the matter is, reporting on sports makes it difficult to discuss hot chicks at work unless they're front and center a la J-Simp. Guess what? If Romo had thrown six touchdowns last week, the story still would have revolved around Jessica. Fact: this is exactly the reason we do movie reviews on ALSAP, so I can throw up the occasional Lindsay Lohan pic and not have it seem perverted.

RBs: Marion Barber and Ryan Grant vs. Larry Maroney and Ron Dayne - GIANT Edge: Jordan.
I love Jordan's backs. I also love Jordan's back hair, but that's another column entirely. Barber gets to dine on Panther carcass, and Ryan Grant will eat the finest Bear meats in the land. Meanwhile, Maroney will be getting six carries, and Dayne will be fat.

WRs: Reggie Wayne, Greg Jennings, and Brandon Marshall vs. Larry Fitzgerald, Santonio Holmes and Lee Evans - Edge: PUSH.
I get throbbing wood when I watch Reggie Wayne play, this Marshall kid seems like a perrenial stud in the making, and Greg Jennings seems to catch a touchdown every single week. Rich's receivers are probably less talented as a whole, but always seem like they're one play away from unleashing fantasy hell on Rich's opponents. I also like their matchups slightly more. Larry Fitzgerald vs. the Falcons?! Come ON!!

TE/D/K (aka Intangibles): Kellen Winslow, Packers, Jeff Reed vs. Tony Gonzalez, Buccaneers, Mason Crosby - Edge: Jordan.
This is where the battle will be won. Winslow plays the Bengals and could go bananas. The Packers play Cowboy Kyle Orton (that's another WWF reference!!), and Jeff Reed already put up 11 points. Meanwhile, the Buccaneers and Crosby almost singlehandedly beat me last week, so I'm calling for them to cool off a bit.

YOUR Winner and NEW Bronze Medal Holders: License to Kim Jong Il.