I. AM. LEGEND.

After vanquishing my foe, I know exactly how El Presidente feels.

It's finally happened. After 10+ years of toiling, my lifelong dream of winning a fantasy football championship will come to fruition tomorrow night, barring the most unforseen of all circumstances.

First of all, my hat goes off to Shawn, whose team spent more time in the X-ray room than on the field this week. Willie Parker, Willis McGahee, Marques Colston, and Anthony Gonzalez all left the game early on and were never factors. That's a shitty way to lose a championship matchup.

Secondly, I'd like to publicly berate Carson Palmer, who will never be welcomed on a Jon Hefty franchise again. You sir, have earned the lifetime ban. You throw to one of the best threesomes of wide receivers in the NFL, against the Browns defense, at home, and manage to put up only 7.1 points? Horrendous. When Tarvaris Jackson outscores you by 22 points, you have officially just blown a walrus. Awful. Sure, you'll get your championship ring, but I'm lacing it with anthrax. Hopefully it eats away at the skin on your throwing hand and you never play another snap in the NFL.

Thirdly, I'd like to thank all my players for not getting hurt. Sure, I had the minor injuries, like an Adrian Peterson gimpy knee, or a Vernon Davis strained something-or-other, but every team had that. No, what I'm proud of is avoiding players who ended up, say, snapping fibulas like overextended mechanical pencil lead. You guys did a great job, although I'd like to take part of the credit here. The Pilates sessions at my condo this summer really did a good job of keeping you strong throughout the season.

Fourthly, I'd like to thank the sock that bore my name and fortuitously bounced into my grasp during the First Annual Laundry Lottery. Although I'm sure that my winning the #1 pick and then the league championship almost certainly means that we'll never do anything like that again, it was well worth it. I'd also like to thank LaDainian for getting his shit together in the last few weeks of the season. Well worth the wait.

Fifthly, I'd like to thank Uncle Walbo for Wes Welker.

Sixthly, I'd like to thank Dr. Dangler for Jerricho Cotchery, who decided Week 16 was a fine time to have his best game of the season.

Seventhly, I'd like to tell the Craigger that he needs to fix the scoring on ESPN.com. The Bears defense was only credited for one of their defensive/special teams touchdowns against the Packers. The blocked punt recovery one isn't showing up for some reason.

Eighthly, I'd like to thank each and every one of you for my prize money. You've all been tremendous. God Bless.

Always and Forever,
The World Champion of The Universe