I. AM. LEGEND.

After vanquishing my foe, I know exactly how El Presidente feels.

It's finally happened. After 10+ years of toiling, my lifelong dream of winning a fantasy football championship will come to fruition tomorrow night, barring the most unforseen of all circumstances.

First of all, my hat goes off to Shawn, whose team spent more time in the X-ray room than on the field this week. Willie Parker, Willis McGahee, Marques Colston, and Anthony Gonzalez all left the game early on and were never factors. That's a shitty way to lose a championship matchup.

Secondly, I'd like to publicly berate Carson Palmer, who will never be welcomed on a Jon Hefty franchise again. You sir, have earned the lifetime ban. You throw to one of the best threesomes of wide receivers in the NFL, against the Browns defense, at home, and manage to put up only 7.1 points? Horrendous. When Tarvaris Jackson outscores you by 22 points, you have officially just blown a walrus. Awful. Sure, you'll get your championship ring, but I'm lacing it with anthrax. Hopefully it eats away at the skin on your throwing hand and you never play another snap in the NFL.

Thirdly, I'd like to thank all my players for not getting hurt. Sure, I had the minor injuries, like an Adrian Peterson gimpy knee, or a Vernon Davis strained something-or-other, but every team had that. No, what I'm proud of is avoiding players who ended up, say, snapping fibulas like overextended mechanical pencil lead. You guys did a great job, although I'd like to take part of the credit here. The Pilates sessions at my condo this summer really did a good job of keeping you strong throughout the season.

Fourthly, I'd like to thank the sock that bore my name and fortuitously bounced into my grasp during the First Annual Laundry Lottery. Although I'm sure that my winning the #1 pick and then the league championship almost certainly means that we'll never do anything like that again, it was well worth it. I'd also like to thank LaDainian for getting his shit together in the last few weeks of the season. Well worth the wait.

Fifthly, I'd like to thank Uncle Walbo for Wes Welker.

Sixthly, I'd like to thank Dr. Dangler for Jerricho Cotchery, who decided Week 16 was a fine time to have his best game of the season.

Seventhly, I'd like to tell the Craigger that he needs to fix the scoring on ESPN.com. The Bears defense was only credited for one of their defensive/special teams touchdowns against the Packers. The blocked punt recovery one isn't showing up for some reason.

Eighthly, I'd like to thank each and every one of you for my prize money. You've all been tremendous. God Bless.

Always and Forever,
The World Champion of The Universe

Happy Birthday To Me!!!

This picture's got something for everybody. The sturdy woodwork appeals to Aaron, who was raised by a carpenter. The decadent cake appeals to both our trained and untrained chefs, Matt and Craig. And the shirtless youngster no doubt sends a tingle through Slimmy's dingle.

No, stupids, it's not my real birthday. It's my Blogthday! This marks the 100th posting here on A Little Slap And Pickle!!, which for me is really a landmark occasion. When I started this blog, I was nothing more than a man with a dream to usurp power from the Commissionary Position held by Craig. Now I'm the author of THE most relevant blog on all things Westside FFL. It feels good. It feels damn good.

What do the next 100 posts hold here at ALSAP!!, you're undoubtedly asking yourself? Let's take a peek, shall we??
-Well, hopefully some more featurettes from you and your friends. After all, if you write a blog entry, that means I don't have to!! And that's good. For me.
-The next 100 posts are also guaranteed to included more factual errors, and wishy-washy predictions like last night's, in which I foretold of Peyton Manning struggling, and then with the same stroke of the keyboard, said he'd throw four touchdowns!
-I'll also probably continue to harp on the fact that special teams are of no importance for our purposes, highlighted this week by Nate Burleson's 91 yard kickoff return TD that would have put me within an eyelash of beating Rich.
-You'll also get some more rum-soaked venom towards the Eagles, as their season spirals out of control and I start watching more college football to figure out who they should take with the 6th pick in next April's draft.
-You're sure to get weekly playoff pulses, to see who the lead dogs are in the race for the playoff seats, which I've preliminarily titled "Chase For The Cup!" or "Hunt For December!!" or something I came up with all on my own.
-You'll get some more pictures of Uruk Hai, because the last one was pure freaking gold.
-You'll also get the exciting conclusion to the one, the only, Chumley Awards. As we narrow things down towards the end of the season, one man (I'll probably just give it to Randy Moss) will emerge from the pack and claim what's rightfully his.

So anyway, you circus animals, feel free to heap showers of congratulations on me in the comment section. Leave no stone unturned. My rapist wit, my rugged Brad Childress-esque good looks, my noble deeds. These are all things to be praised today. Have at it, fleabags.