Week 12 Power Rankings: Endgame

Will Shawn be able to reclaim the #1 seed that rightfully belongs to him? The good people of Iran certainly hope so.

Well, kiddos, this is it. The last power rankings where I'll subjectively categorize you as good, terrible, or some mutant hybrid of both. Because after this week's games, the playoff seeds are set. The results speak for themselves. Next week we'll take a peek back at my original projections, and I'll see how I did at predicting the future. But for this one last glorious week, I bring out my "Pin The Ranking On The Donkey" game and assign you all a number that defines your worth in my eyes.

1. Rich (9-3, W4, Previous #2)
In the closest horse race of the season, Rich has established himself as the best team in the league. Most of this has to do with Tony Romo, who was been lights out all season, and provides consistently solid numbers at QB. Romo has also put Rich in an excellent position to win this week, but that's irrelevant for this discussion.

2. Shawn (9-3, L1, Previous #1)
It would be tragic if Shawn fell to #3 after his late-season stranglehold on the #1 spot. Shawn's best hope this week is that Willie Parker runs roughshod over the Bengals defense, allowing him to get past Rich and stay on top. Randy Moss will likely look to get back in the spotlight after a ho-hum game last week against Philadelphia.

3. Slimmy (8-4, L1, Previous #3)
Say what you will about Slims (and most of us already have done more than our fair share of that), but I give him major props for being smarter than Norv Turner and benching Pip Rivers. Slimmy rides the emotional roller coaster known as Clinton Portis into the playoffs. Will Portis go into Incredible Hulk mode and explode for 500 yards and 10 touchdowns? Or will he be distraught at the loss of one of his closest friends?

4. Hefty (7-5, W1, Previous #4)
There are not enough exclamation points in this world to show how happy I am that Adrian Peterson is playing this week. Even if he shares the load with Chester Taylor, he's way better than Julius Jones (understatement of the decade), and I feel like I actually have a shot to win this thing with him healthy. I also like the fact that if I make it to the Championship, Carson Palmer plays the Browns again.

5. Jordan (7-5, W2, Previous #6)
Peyton hasn't been Peyton this year, but he's still good enough to start every week no questions asked. Jordan is riding two hot hands at running back in Marion Barber and Ryan Grant into the playoffs and frankly, I'd be terrified if I had to play him Round 1 of the playoffs.

6. Aaron (7-5, L2, Previous #5)
I said the same thing a few weeks ago, but this team has too much talent on the bench and not enough star power in the starting lineup. A more aggressive trade strategy seems like it would have paid large dividends for the Lymez Nutz. I see a brief, uneventful one-and-done for A-Rep.

7. Craig (5-7, L1, Previous #7)
I am astonished to learn that Jamal Lewis is 6th among all running backs in scoring. There's no way I could have guessed that. Lucky for Craig, Cleveland has one of the easiest schedules in the league over the next 3 weeks. Next year, somebody remind me to only draft players from teams who finished in last place the year before. By the by, there's a feature in SI about the Browns being winners all of the sudden that I'm really excited to read. It's official, I'm on this Browns bandwagon.

8. Shelby (5-7, L2, Previous #8)
I hope Shelby does make the playoffs, for the sole reason that his QBs are Brett Favre and Marc Bulger and they both might not play next week. Seeing Shelby panic-sign a guy like Kellen Clemens will be awesome.

9. Mike (5-7, W1, Previous #10)
He's got the Derek Anderson thing going for him, which is a major plus. Unfortunately, I think he'll be on the outside looking in after I shellack him this weekend. I do fully endorse my co-columnist in the Consolation Ladder tournament, however.

10. Adam (5-7, W3, Previous #9)
Ouch. Dude rips off a three game win streak and I bump him down a spot. Adam's receivers are still dreck at this point in the season, which hurts his chances of making a deep run. For the most part though, Adam's season hinges on both Adrian Petersons. If one of them plays well, Chester Taylor will be back on the bench, and if the other one can't handle a starting role, then Adam's goose is cooked.

11. Deewaan (4-8, W1, Previous #11)
Actually, I don't hope Shelby makes the playoffs. I hope Deewaan makes the playoffs. May Steve Smith unleash the lightning this week for you, good sir.

12. Melvin (1-11, L9, Previous #12)
I'm glad this is the team that Eli Manning plays for. It makes me imagine the Giants being 1-11 and ballistic New Yorkers throwing hot soup or feces on him as he walks down the street.

Good luck to everyone in the final week!!

Your Quarterly Kal Penn Update: November Edition

"I should want to cook him a simple meal, but I shouldn't want to cut into him, to tear the flesh, to wear the flesh, to be born unto new worlds where his flesh becomes my key."

OK, I know you guys have been patiently waiting for the next update on the future of Kal. Here's what we've got so far. The first half of Season 4 of House wrapped on Tuesday Night, meaning that new episodes won't be on until January/February. That truly does suck. In case you weren't aware, House narrowed a field of candidates down from 40-some until he handpicked his new team of three doctors. Well, the hot chick made it, the plastic surgeon guy made it, and I'm thrilled to report that Kal also made it through. What this means is that from now on, Kuuuumar will be on every new House episode and they won't toy with my heartstrings by pretending to fire him like they did every damn week this fall.

A quick look at Kal's IMDB page shows that "Harold and Kumar Escape From Guantanamo Bay" has already been filmed, and is due to release April 25.
Kal also is working on a TV show called "Two Sisters" with Margaret Cho that will probably be so awful that they only air it in Guantanamo.
His other current project is a comedy called "Under New Management". IMDB describes the plotline thusly: "Two co-workers send their boss on a sex cruise and then turn office into party central, causing profits to soar in the process." They left out the phrase "Hilarity Ensues.", but that seems to be a virtual certainty.

All in all, it's a grand time to be the Charter Member of the KPFC (Kal Penn Fan Club, duh). In more personal news, I've convinced Ang that if we have twin boys we can name one of them Kal. I don't imagine she'll have any problem going with Penn as the middle name.
As a final note, if any of you have seen Van Wilder 2: The Rise of Taj, please let me know if it's worth the 4 bucks to go rent it. I've tried to TiVo it but I can't find it on cable.

Week 12 Chumleys: The Slim-leys!!!

So afraid to attempt a witty caption...

It's crunchtime for the Chumley race. Romo and Moss are your clubhouse leaders at 4 a piece, with only two more weeks of awards. Let's take a peek around the Westside FFL landscape and see who's peaking at the right time.

Game 1: Bisbee def. Death Knell - And the Chumley goes to...
Antonio Gates, TE, SD - I chose Gates over Kolby Smith because Gates straight up killed the Ravens, and Kolby Smith is a flash in the pan. As an LT owner, I become extremely aroused whenever I see the score change in Chargers games. However, all I got this week was a couple lousy Phillip Rivers TD passes, two of which went to Gates. Antonio, who was already the best TE in fantasy, had his best game of the season with 6 catches, 105 yards and 2 TDs.

Game 2: Chicago def. Larry Craig - And the Chumley goes to...
Wes Welker, WR, NE - Welker gets the nod here for erasing an eight point deficit in my matchup against Melvin heading into the Sunday Night Football game. In essence, Welker has become New England's best running back, getting multiple grabs on short passes out of multiple receiver sets, while Laurence Maroney stews on the sidelines wondering why he's even wearing a cup.

Game 3: Jabroc def. Lymez - And the Chumley goes to...
Larry Fitzgerald, WR, Ari - Larry hauled in 9 passes for 156 yards and 2 touchdowns against the 49ers on Sunday. Fitzgerald might be the most reliable receiver of the season to this point. He's posted double digit points in 7 of his last 8 games. Up next for Larry is the Cleveland Browns, and Rich will need the points as he goes up against Shawn for the #1 seed in the playoffs.

Game 4: MikeJax def. Cripplers - And the Chumley goes to...
Vikings, D/ST, Min - I already talked about the Vikings yesterday, so here's a good spot for a mini-rant. Do you know how frustrating it is watching Devin Hester run back kick after kick and not get any points for it?! Riddle me this, assclown, how is a blocked punt a scorable play, and not a punt return touchdown? The same 11 players are on the field for both events, so don't give me this "defense vs. special teams" balogna. The players don't become a special team once the punt is in the air. They're special teams from the second they line up on the field. And in other news, only one of those two events actually changes the score of the real game! Which one?! THE TOUCHDOWN!!! This is unequivocably the dumbest thing I've ever heard of. If Devin Hester only knew...

Game 5: Delaware def. Hawaii - And the Chumley goes to...
Drew Brees, QB, NO - True story...one time in college, me and Deewaan drank like 40 brees and we couldn't feel our faces.

Game 6: N. Korea def. The Patent Office - And the Chumley goes to...
Kellen Winslow II, TE, Cle - OK, I admit it, I've got a soft spot for tight ends. (That's what she said!!!) But it's hard not to reward a tight end with the most illustrious prize in fantasy football when he catches 10 passes for 107 yards and a TD. Several of Jordan's players scored slightly higher than Winslow, but K2 gets the nod. As a sidenote, anybody tired of hearing him referred to as "Kellen Winslow Jr"? Uh, yeah, we get that it's not actually his dad playing. Thanks for clearing that up, Gus Johnson.

As a final note, after listening to Verne Lundquist during the LSU-Arky game and then Gus Johnson during Texans-Browns, I am ready for some college basketball! Good thing the Eagles won't make the playoffs, that will give me more time to watch hoops. Especially my boy OJ Mayo, averaging 22 ppg, and Walbsy's boy, Eric Gordon, averaging 27.3.

Place Your Bets!!!

The Stratosphere - Las Vegas's Second Least Illustrious Resort!

As was detailed in today's e-mail session, there are still five teams fighting for a playoff spot. The only problem is, only two teams can claim them. You're probably still wondering who's got the upper hand in this thing, and luckily for you, my second cousin dates this chick whose brother works with a girl who's married to the head oddsmaker at the Stratosphere in Vegas. So needless to say, I got my hands on an advance copy of the odds this week. Let's see just how this race shakes out.

DEATH KNELL - (5-7, Current Points Leader, vs. Larry Craig Fritzes [1-11])
Odds Of Reaching Playoffs - 1:2
The Commish essentially needs to beat the worst team in the league to clinch a spot. Shouldn't be that difficult. Better yet, Kurt Warner plays the Browns, essentially assuring him of a 600 yard passing day. Pack your bags for the playoffs, Mr. Fritz. Amazing turnaround by a team that many (OK, just me) claimed were dead in the water just a few short weeks ago.

BISBEE BALL MAULERS - (5-7, 14.8 points back, vs. Chicago Bear Grylls [7-5])
Odds Of Reaching Playoffs - 3:1
The last time Bisbee and Chicago met up, Bear Grylls prevailed by an 82 point margin. Bisbee will be looking to even the season series, but it will be tough. CBG's superduperstar running back Adrian Peterson looks to return to action, and even better, he'll be doing it against the Detroit Lions. The matchups are generally favorable for the Maulers this week, but the star power here is not what it once was.

POCKET T-BAGS - (5-7, 43.1 points back, vs. Delaware Ding Dong Danglers [4-8])
Odds Of Reaching Playoffs - 3:2
Now things start getting interesting. If Bisbee loses, the path is clear for the T-Bags. Win, and they likely make it in as the #8 seed. If Bisbee wins, the T-Bags will need to put up 28.4 points more than the Maulers. Sounds simple, right? Actually, it might be. Shelby has two horses in the Dallas-Green Bay Thursday Night game, which this analyst projects to be a fireworks show. Expect plenty of scoring, and having the Brett Favre to Donald Driver combo might just be Shelby's meal ticket in this one.

HOLIDAYSBURGS MPJs - (5-7, 69.6 points back, vs. Lymez Dizeez Nutz [7-5])
Odds Of Reaching Playoffs - 5:1
Adam will need some teams to lose to make it to the playoffs. There are some crummy matchups on his team, and I'm not even sure Adam knows who he's starting at RB2 this weekend. Cedric Benson is done for the year and Brandon Jacobs is hurt as well. Chester Taylor's not even a great play this week as all signs point to him taking a back seat to Peterson once again. Tom Brady, aka The Suitcase Nuke, is a possibility to singlehandedly carry Adam to a victory once again, but he travels to Baltimore this weekend. Personally, I think the Ravens might be the worst team in football, but from time to time their defense can click and shut opposing offenses down. Adam has to have a lot of things go right to make an appearance in Week 14.

DELAWARE DING-DONG DANGLERS - (4-8, 99.7 points back, vs. Pocket T-Bags [5-7])
Odds Of Reaching Playoffs - 25:1
Please allow me to slip into Tony Kornheiser mode.
IF...
-Drew Brees can pretend it's 2006...
-Steve Smith can play a game where he actually remembers that he's Steve Smith...
-Plaxico Burress can stretch the Bears defense for two deep touchdowns on a permanently gimpy ankle...
-Chris Cooley can play the most emotionally charged football of his life...
-Reggie Brown can convince Andy Reid to start AJ Feeley...
-Steven Jackson can play with a quarterback who can actually handle snaps at the goal line...
-The Panthers D can whitewash the 49ers...
-Jeff Wilkins can nail two or more 50 yarders...
-LenDale White can score one touchdown for every Krispy Kreme donut he eats on Sunday...
-Three other 5-8 teams blow a win-and-you're-in...
...Then Ladies And Gentlemen, the Dong Danglers are playoff bound!

Good luck to all the playoff contenders this weekend, with the exception of Mike.

Week 12 Round Up: Bajingos and Sasquatches

Sean Taylor, although far from my favorite player, sure did put a lickin' on some Cowboys.

Well, this feature's got one more week of life left in it. When the playoffs start up, I reckon I'll be firing up a brand new recap feature to clue you in on the real happenings of the NFL Fantasy scene. With that in mind, let's break down our second-to-last sets of Bajingos and Sasquatches.

BAJINGOS

1. Arizona D, Tennessee D, Detroit D - The Cardinals and Titans both redefined defensive suckitude this week, as each put up a saucy negative 2 points. The Lions outdid them with negative 3! Very nice. Speaking of Tennessee, my free Titans windbreaker finally arrived as my gift for subscribing to Sports Illustrated. You know how you know I'm gay? I ordered a Titans windbreaker because I like their colors.

2. Lee Evans - Evans was held to 2 catches for 19 yards after looking like he had finally turned the corner this season. Word out of Buffalo is that the Bills will take one more ride on the quarterback carousel, with Trent Edwards starting next week. Nothing like switching QBs every two weeks to help build continuity among an offense.

3. Clinton Portis - Portis had a decent game overall, piling up 101 total yards on 20 carries and 5 catches. However, he also lost two fumbles in a turnoverfest down in Tampa.

4. LenDale White - The USC Thug put up 3.2 points against the NFL's worst defense. Enough said.

5. Pretty Much Everybody Who Played Last Night, But Especially Heath Miller - 0 catches, 0 yards, 0 vicious tackles on Joey Porter after his interception. J-Peezy got off easy, as Big Ben was the one who wrassled him to the mud-drenched turf.

.
SASQUATCHES

1. Kurt Warner - Game-ending/suicide-pool-destroying fumble or not, 484 yards is 484 yards. Curious statline for Tim Rattay in this game though, who came in for 1 pass, tossed a touchdown, and got out of dodge. A closer look at his stats shows that this has actually been the case in 3 of the past 5 games.

2. Kolby Smith - Herm Edwards does not baby his running backs. A year after feeding Larry Johnson an NFL record number of carries, the Chiefs, who are quickly running out of fresh bodies to run the ball, gave rookie Kolby Smith the rock 31 times. He responded with 150 yards and 2 touchdowns.

3. Vikings D - Anybody who can make Eli Manning look like he's just pissed himself is a winner in my book. The Vikings set an NFL record by taking three of Manning's throws back the other way for touchdowns.

4. Brett Favre - Watching Packers/Lions helped ease the pain in my bloated gut after a Thanksgiving Day feast. Favre was surgical on Sunday, completing 20 straight passes, despite the fact that the Packers refused to run the ball during that period to take some of the load off Favre. I dislike Favre, but he definitely displayed some big time accuracy and the dude still has a cannon at age 38. Favre finished with 381 yards and 3 TDs.

5. Chad Johnson - Another guy I'm growing to dislike is Chad Johnson. Once upon a time, when I owned him in my keeper league, Chad was my favorite non-Eagle in the league, with his jaw-dropping catches and zany celebrations. Now, he's starting to become the Paris Hilton of the NFL. He doesn't do all that much anymore, and yet, the camera refuses to look away. Well, for once, Chad had a great game, hauling in 12 catches for 103 yards and 3 scores.

Your First Place Junk Jabbers

So it took 12 long weeks, but Rich is finally on top.

To celebrate, here's a video of Japanese women learning some helpful phrases for their next visit to America. (I stole this from Withleather.com)

Week 12 Photo Finishes: Late Night Munchies Edition

Good to have you back, you mellow weirdo.

Well, the Worldwide Leader got some good news. You see, when you put a 0-10 team on MNF, people tend to watch other programming, like say "Dancing With The Stars" or "Chuck". But when one of the most polarizing NFL figures of all time returns to that 0-10 team, and will apparently start for that 0-10 team? Well, now you've got gripping television, my friend.
In my honest opinion, I don't expect Ricky to make anybody think it's 2002 again. He's got to be out of shape at this point after time away from the game. But I must say it's nice to have a strange dude like Ricky back in the NFL discussion. I'm finding myself missing Mikey Vick already.

But, several of you won't be watching for Ricky. You'll be watching for your fantasy teams, you greedy little piggies. Well, let's see who'll be smoking a victory blunt tonight, and who'll be hitting the bong to ease the pain of defeat.

Game 1: Rich (26.8 point lead) vs. Aaron (Steelers D)
You know the old saying. Any time you have a two-time-Chumley-Award-winning defense playing, you've still got a chance. The Steelers D probably should be able to cover this gap for Aaron. Ricky fumbles for a defensive touchdown, CleoJohn LemonBeck throws a pick-six, the defense gives up three points...this could definitely happen. I'll go out on my longest limb of the season and say Aaron wins by 0.2 points on a defensive gem by Steeltown.

Game 2: Deewaan (22.2 point lead) vs. The Team Without A GM (Heath Miller)
Miller might grab a touchdown, but he shouldn't get anywhere close to 22.2 points. I'll say he puts up a quiet 40-yardish day. Dave hangs on.

Game 3: Adam (Hines Ward, 34 point lead) vs. Shawn (Willie Parker)
Although I think Pittsburgh will work the ground game heavily (especially after halftime), Parker hasn't had a game bigger than 22 points all season. I could see him getting up around 25, but that still won't be enough to overtake Adam. Adam wins and everybody is officially on notice that Tom Brady will be playing fantasy playoff football.

Photo Essay: "Why You Should Never Take The Arizona Cardinals In A Survivor Pool"

Dude...

DUDE!!!

DUUUUUUUUUUUUDE!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Dude.

MMSY: 11/26/07

"Hmmm. Just HOW quick is Wes Welker? Please share, Sir Madden. Also, would you like to tinkle in my pot?"

5 Things I Think I Thought That Were

1. I think that I truly thank the Eagles, not only for really taking it, tooth and nail, to the Patriots, but for also shutting up the broadcast team about this ridiculous "best team ever" garbage. Usually that kind of conversation is reserved until after a team wins a championship. I said it aloud right before Madden and Michaels, but my greatest hope is the Eagles showed the league how to defeat EVIL NEW ENGLAND by mimicking the Eagles' gameplan. I'd say I'd want Pittsburgh to mimic that gameplan, but then I'd have to also eat my own foot.

2. I think Frank TV was pretty amusing, but I can see where the bit gets old after awhile. He already exhausted his Madden, Charles Barkley (which is downright awesome), GW Bush, Clinton and the cast of Seinfeld (his Kramer voice was spot-on). Once Dr. Phil is trotted out, it might be time to cancel Caliendo's show.

3. I think John Madden and Al Michaels helped me discover that:
a. Wes Welker is quick. He's quicker than quick. He's quicky. Honestly, did anyone else pick up on the excessive use of the Q-word last night?
b. Someone can make worse jokes than me. Case in point: Michaels making some corny pun about "touchy... FEELEY" when relaying an anecdote about AJ Feeley. Yuck yuck.

4. I think Kolby Smith = shrewd.

5. I think that I'm dumbfounded by this weekend's message board activity. I admit that I started the fire, but the Santa Anna winds blew in on it and the next thing you know everyone's evacuating the fire-ravaged message board for the weekend. Is it safe to return? What the eff happened? I'm cold.

If I Lose To Melvin, I'm Drinking The Entire Bottle

Bottoms Up!!

Holiday weekends are great. Except when you use the added time off to research fantasy football stats and come to conclusions like "Matt Schaub is a MUCH better play than Carson Palmer this week!!!"

Kill me.

And also kill the little girl in the "Like a Hybrid Hybrid??" commercial. What a ghastly looking troll.

That's Unfortunate, But Give Me 200 On The Pats

http://sports.espn.go.com/nfl/news/story?id=3120882

Week 11: Power Rankings + Chumleys = POWER CHUMLEYS!!!

I took the liberty of slightly modifying Dave's original. Shelby, this holiday season, may you be teabagged umercilessly by the entire offensive line of the Miami Dolphins (the league's fattest!!).

Well, fantasy nerds, it's a very short week here at ALSAP!!, as I head west in just a few hours to spend Thanksgiving out in Pittsburgh. As such, Power Rankings and Chumleys will be combined into one breakneck paced column I like to call POWER CHUMLEYS!!! Please contain your excitement and bladder, and join me for our weekly look around the league.

1. Shawn (9-2, W2, Previous #1)
Week 11 Chumley recipient: Randy Moss, WR, NE. This is Randy's 4th Chumley. Moss grabbed 4 touchdowns Sunday night, in the first half alone.
Playoff Prognosis: Clinched.

2. Rich (8-3, W3, Previous #2)
Week 11 Chumley recipient: Tony Romo, QB, Dal. Last year's Thanksgiving game was the official coming out party for the Romosexuals. With an easy matchup against the J-E-T-S on Thursday, there could be more of the same in store.
Playoff Prognosis: Clinched.

3. Slims (8-3, W1, Previous #3)
Week 11 Chumley recipient: Andre Johnson, WR, Hou. It's scary to think that Slimmy's third best WR might be Chad Johnson, although Chad hasn't scored since Week 2, so I think that's pretty accurate.
Playoff Prognosis: Clinched.

4. Hefty (6-5, L2, Previous #4)
Wrong time in the season to start a losing streak. The fact that I'm having a tough time deciding between Matt Schaub and Carson Palmer this week tells you that things haven't gone as well for my second round pick as I would have liked.
Fun Fact: I've also traded away my third and fourth round picks, and my fifth round pick is hurt. If not for some brilliantly unexpected WR play out of Braylon and Welker, I'd be hovering around 3-8 right now.
Playoff Prognosis: Can clinch with a win.

5. Aaron (7-4, L1, Previous #5)
Ladies and gentlemen, we've officially found our panicked GM at the trade deadline. I like to imagine Aaron at home, pacing around the room with a carton of Marlboro Reds, staring at a big rotary telephone, screaming at it to try to make it ring. Relax, A-Rep. Donald Lee does not a championship team make.
Playoff Prognosis: Clinched.

6. Jordan (6-5, W1, Previous #8)
Week 11 Chumley recipient: Brandon Marshall, WR, Den. Marshall not only caught a touchdown on MNF sealing the win over Aaron, but he actually was Jordan's highest scorer with 13.9 points.
Playoff Prognosis: Can clinch with a win.

7. Craig (5-6, W3, Previous #7)
Week 11 Chumley recipient: Terrell Owens, WR, Dal. Extreme badassery out of Owens this week. It's hard to admit this, but as an Eagles fan, it's almost better to root for the Cowboys in divisional matchups on the basis that the Eagles need a lot of help to make the playoffs. Having said that, I'll be hurling turkey bones and egg nog at the television on Thursday if Owens has another monster game tomorrow.
Playoff Prognosis: Controls his own destiny.

8. Shelby (5-6, L1, Previous #6)
I know I've mentioned this before, but it's embarrasing that on draft night I was given Brett Favre by ESPN.com and I raised a stink so I could go back and draft Rex Grossman. That's a major kick in the sack.
By the way, how about the Lions playing a game on Thanksgiving you're actually excited to watch? GB @ Det is finally a relevant game, and it kicks off at 12:30, which means I have to eat even more piggishly to get down to the in-laws basement to watch TV.
Playoff Prognosis: Controls his own destiny.

9. Adam (4-7, W2, Previous #10)
Week 11 Chumley recipient: Tom Brady, QB, NE. If you haven't seen it, go over to Kissing Suzy Kolber and watch the youtube clip of Andrea Kremer interviewing Tom Brady. It's almost impossible that a 17 second clip could be so uncomfortably awkward, but it most definitely is.
Playoff Prognosis: Needs help.

10. Mike (4-7, L3, Previous #9)
What's your record since getting engaged? Just curious.
As Mickey famously quipped in 'Rocky': "Women weaken legs." And by "legs", I think he was talking about "quality of life in general".
Playoff Prognosis: Needs help.

11. Dave (3-8, L3, Previous #11)
Ok, so your team sucks. At least you're gorgeous. What I wouldn't give to stick a couple fistfulls of stuffing in your cavity tomorrow morning.
Playoff Prognosis: Needs a borderline miracle.
Male Model Prognosis: So hot right now.

12. Melvin (1-10, L8, Previous #12)
Playoff Prognosis: Not a friggin chance.

Happy Thanksgiving Everybody!

Week 11 Photo Finish: Double Buck Edition!

No time for predictions, I'm off to meet my destiny.

When I heard that Craig was in Allentown, the only thought that flashed through my mind was "I've got to rope him in for a game or twelve of Big Buck Hunter". Needless to say, I'll be hitting happy hour with the Commish shortly, so I'm cutting this short.

Game 1: Aaron (19.3 points) vs. Jordan (Rob Bironas, Brandon Marshall)
Bironas will get 11 points on 3 FGs and 2 XPs. No more. No less. 11 points.

Marshall will get 6.8 points on 4 catches for 62 yards. No more. No less. 6.8 points.
That leaves Jordan with 17.8 points and gives Aaron a precious victory.

Sorry Jordo.

NOW LET'S KILL SOME BUCK!!!!

Monday Afternoon Slobbering Yap: 11/19/07

A rocket scientist certainly wouldn't have missed the ending to that Browns/Ravens game.

5 Things I Think I Thought That Were

1. I think it's hilarious that, in this morning's emails, no one thought it was unusual that Adam said he quite nearly concussed himself by slamming his head into a car during a boozed-up snowball fight. Really, that didn't make anyone pause? I'm not sure what that says about Mountain Man that we all just kinda soaked it in and chalked it up to Davis being Davis. But it made me nearly cackle out loud.

2. I think I'll chime in with some Penn State game thoughts:
a. No one should be shocked or dismayed by that performance. All year they've played like they're a group of college kids on a road trip and their '92 Ford Taurus is only picking up easy listening stations as they travel through Nebraska. You know, Anne Murray and the like. They seem disinterested, demoralized and struggling for leadership. Not to mention satellite radio.
b. Yes, boys, Brent Carter looked great. But don't expect to see him play next year until game 6 or 7. Just 'cuz that's how Joe does stuff.
c. I think we all would love to see a special teams coach be created this offseason, yes? It's neat and all that Larry Johnson handles the kicking and Bradley (I think, who REALLY knows!) takes the coverage portion. But can we consolidate positions?

3. I think you all should be watching Kitchen Nightmares with Chef Gordon Ramsey on FOX. Terrific show. Where else can you hear self-important restauranteurs get called "donkies" by a foul-mouthed chef?

4. I think that as this NFL season has evolved, I've watched more Cleveland Browns games than Eagles games. I like the team. They're feisty. Plus I have Captain America Anderson on my roster. The fincy (that was Shawn-speak) and I have gone to a Browns backer sports bar known as the Sky Box in Glendale a handful of times. So there we were yesterday, enjoying the game, I'm spying the TV in the upper right corner with the Birds/Fins every now and then. Long story short, did we get to see the amazing ending of the Browns game? No. That's because we reluctantly had to leave early (before the ess even hit the fan) to listen to a relentless 2-hour pitch from a cookware company, just so we could get a free trip the fincy won at a bridal expo. And no, folks, we didn't buy the 19-piece set with the collander.

5. I think these fantasy playoffs are gonna be sweet, even if I'm likely to miss the boat this year. That just means I'll have to take the reins of impartial handicapper and playoff preview maven. Because really, can we have Citizen 10Cane doing these if he has a horse in the race? No! Oh, and I still think my trade wasn't that bad. Parker and Kitna really tore it up yesterday!

Week 11 Round-Up: Stuffing and Cranberry Sauce

Week 11 sure was a doozy. The Patriots improved to 10-0, the Packers and Cowboys are both 9-1, the Eagles are finally at .500, and the Steelers dropped an overtime game to a team that would have trouble winning the SEC East, let alone the AFC East.
With that in mind, and with the Thanksgiving holiday right around the corner, let's take a look at the highs and lows from Week 11.

Sidenote: In a contrived attempt to incorporate my favorite holiday, plus eliminate the need to write 'Bajingo' or 'Sasquatch' for the eleventh time this season, we're putting a new twist on an old favorite.

STUFFING

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Replacing Bajingos this week will be Stuffing. I don't like Stuffing. In fact, I despise it. While no two stuffing recipes are exactly the same, you can guarantee that this mish-mash of turkey organs and stale bread will be at your Thanksgiving spread on Thursday. And to get the stuff down your gullet, you'll need to drizzle it with at least three ladlefuls of gravy. Stuffing is to Thanksgiving what Fruitcake is to Christmas: an old tradtion that needs to be aborted before it goes any further. This year, say no to Stuffing. Just scoop an extra helping of mashed potatoes (or the wildly underrated Sweet Potato Casserole) on your plate and thank me later.

1. Julius Jones and Jerricho Cotchery - The two dudes I traded for this week that were supposed to help solidify my roster did anything but. In trading for Cotchery, I noticed that he had posted at least four catches in every game this season. I saw this as a sign of great consistency. Well, yesterday he had 1 catch for 5 yards. As for the Julius Jones debacle, well, I don't know what to tell you than the guy's been on every one of my fantasy teams since he was a rookie and I still have a soft spot for him. But he's fairly terrible.

2. Steve Smith and Jerrious Norwood - To be fair, at least I didn't get the short end of the stick in my trade. Steve Smith had a shin problem and was ruled out just before game time. As for Norwood, just 2 carries for 4 yards, although he was on Deewaan's bench.

3. Rudi Johnson - 8 carries, 25 yards. He blows. Next!!

4. Donovan McNabb - Although he was injured early in the game, Donovan made the least of his outing against the Fins yesterday. And that's putting it kindly. Putting it more harshly, he played like frozen dog shit. 3-11 passing, 34 yards, and 2 mind-bogglingly terrible interceptions, one of which he only had 12 seconds in the pocket to throw. Good luck throwing against Randall Gay and Asante Samuel on a gimpy ankle next week, D-Mac.

5. Peyton Manning - The Colts draw an extra dose of my ire today for squeaking away with a 13-10 win, when a loss would have won me my big money suicide pool. However, if Donovan played like frozen dog shit yesterday, Peyton played like room temperature dog shit. 16-32 passing, 163 yards, 0 TDs, and a pick. At home against the Chiefs. With the Steelers also losing yesterday, the biggest obstacle in the AFC to the Patriots may be the Cleveland Browns (P.S. I'm not joking.)

CRANBERRY SAUCE

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Replacing Sasquatches this week will be my good personal friend, Cranberry Sauce. Specifically Ocean Spray brand Jellied style Cranberry Sauce, but their PR department said they weren't interested in paying advertising dollars to "a blog nobody's ever heard of", so screw them. Anywho, Cranberry Sauce is the antithesis of stuffing. It's easy to serve, it's sugary enough to put you in anaphylactic shock, and it's usually not high on other people's list, so you can get away with eating 3/4 of a can of this by yourself and still not look like a hog.

1. Formerly Troubled WR #1 - Randy Moss had somewhat of a decent game. It's not that I think he'll absolutely torch the Eagles secondary next week...but I just can't think of any other way to finish that sentence. We are doomed.

2. Formerly Troubled WR #2 - Terrell Owens was actually better than Moss. 8 catches, 173 yards, and 4 TDs. I'd love to have a chat with whoever thought it was a splendid idea to play soft zone against Owens, refusing to put a man on him for his first three touchdowns. If Madden '07 has taught me anything, and it has, you play a 2 deep-man-coverage on T.O., then you shade your safety over a few yards, and then you have him switch out of zone and into a double team. That way, the QB still reads zone on the one side, and man on the other. It's foolproof.

3. Minnesota's Offensive Line - I'm beginning to think that even Rudi Johnson could run for 100 behind that line. After Adrian's injury, Chester Taylor filled in beautifully, with 22 carries for 164 yards and 3 touchdowns. This of course infuriated me that I didn't offer a Kevin Walter for Chester Taylor trade weeks ago before Peterson went down. At the risk of sounding like the Talented Mr. Roto on ESPN, the lesson is, you always handcuff your studs.

4. Andre Johnson - The Armed Robbery of a Toddler scenario has presented itself. Johnson was back yesterday and it doesn't look like he missed a step. 6 catches, 120 yards and touchdown. Slimmy would be a good bet to win this whole thing if his quarterback wasn't one more boneheaded play away from being benched.

5. Phil Dawson - The kick that wasn't, then was. I don't know if you saw replay of this, but it's awesome. The best part is watching the sheer joy on the Baltimore fans faces, then seeing them melt into confusion when they announce the booth review, then disgust when they overturn the kick, then homocidal rage as Dawson makes the game winner in OT. They should try this in a criminal trial sometime.
"We, the jury, find OJ Simpson not guilty!"
*seconds later*
"Actually, we're going to talk it over again. Hold tight for a minute, Juice."
*minutes later*
"Yeah, actually, you definitely did it. Sorry, man, you're guilty. Our bad. Didn't mean to get your hopes up."
*the next day during sentencing*
"Lethal Injection!!! Case closed!!!"

And..........
SCENE.

Week 10 Power Rankings: You Just Dropped In To See What Condition Your Condition Was In

Grab an ice cold Caucasian and check out the next set of Power Rankings.

This week, I'll be stealing a Bill Simmons bit and doing my Power Rankings in groups. You could probably make arguments to flip-flop teams within each grouping, but the seperation between teams is starting to become obvious. Without further ado, your Week 10 Rankings.
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THE FAVORITE
1. Shawn (8-2, W1, Previous #1)
-He probably didn't need Willie Parker and Jon Kitna to win this thing, but now he's got them. Randy Moss plays on Sunday Night Football the next two weeks, and will be a touchdown machine.

JUST A NOTCH BELOW
2. Rich (7-3, W2, Previous #4)
-Laurence Maroney will score a touchdown sooner or later. That drought can't last all season.
3. Slims (7-3, L1, Previous #2)
-LJ could be out for the rest of the season and if Norv Turner had any semblance of a scrotum, Philip Rivers would be holding a clipboard for the next couple of games while Billy Volek started.

FLYING UNDER THE RADAR
4. Hefty (6-4, L1, Previous #3)
-Only a serious contender with Adrian Peterson back healthy by playoff time.
5. Aaron (7-3, W1, Previous #5)
-Still seems a piece or two short. With a very strong bench, Aaron needs to make a deadline deal to strengthen his starting lineup.
6. Shelby (5-5, W3, Previous #8)
-Not as dangerous when his kicker doesn't score 21 points.

SNEAKING IN THE BACK DOOR
7. Craig (4-6, W2, Previous #10)
-Brian Westbrook makes Craig the most dangerous in this grouping.
8. Jordan (5-5, L1, Previous #6)
-If he makes the playoffs, he's at least got the potential of a big Peyton-Reggie Wayne day to spring an upset.
9. Mike (4-6, L2, Previous #7)
-Uncertainty at the running back spot with Marshawn Lynch's bum ankle will likely be the kiss of death.

ON AN IRON LUNG
10. Adam (3-7, W1, Previous #11)
-If he can somehow grab two or three more wins to close out the year, he's got the league's most terrifying player to help him make some noise.
11. Deewaan (3-7, L2, Previous #9)
-Steven Jackson's starting to play like a first round pick, unfortunately it's about 8 weeks too late.
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BETTER LUCK IN 2008
12. Melvin (1-9, L7, Previous #12)
-Craig and I are the only ones lucky enough to get two games against Melvin this season. Thanks ESPN!!!

Still Not The Rankings

No power rankings yet, but if you've ever been at work and said "I wish I could watch entire episodes of my favorite TV shows on my computer", then look no further.

This is the ultimate link.

Some series only have an episode or two, but they go up immediately after airing. Last night's 30 Rock is on there already. The entire series of Arrested Development is up.

Eff the iTunes. Watch TV for free.

Warning: Not The Power Rankings

Want a million dollars? Just read on, friend.

The Power Rankings will be up tonight. Yes, on a Friday Night because I've got nothing going on and Angie's at a co-worker's retirement party. So, save your pish posh for a few more hours. They'll be up soon. Besides, you're not number 1 anyway.

So we were talking at work today about the Eagles owner's wife, Christina Lurie being on the news promoting a beer cup that disintegrates in 30 days instead of 3 years. I didn't watch the story, and I can't find any links to related articles, but I can blow your mind just the same.

I have a cup that disintegrates in 30 seconds!!!

You see, it's my opinion that pretzels make an excellent compliment to a nice cold beer. You can get a good soft pretzel at the game, but what about a good old fashioned baked hard pretzel?? Sounds good, doesn't it? Of course it does. Well you know what would be even better??
A pretzel with beer in it.

As shown above, ice cream stores have caught on to this trend, and began making Pretzel Cones as a method of holding ice cream. I'm assuming they've perfected a method so that these cones do not leak when the ice cream melts. Assuming that's so, why couldn't you shape a pint glass out of pretzel dough and use it to hold beer? You could eat as you drank and you could even line the rim with mustard for a delicious condiment. And when you're done, BOOM!, no waste!! Take that Christina Lurie! I drive a Prius, AND I just eliminated plastic waste at football games. Suck my green balls.

Week 10 Chumleys: Drexel Hill Edition

Rich brings in da noise and da funk.

So. Week 10 has come and gone. Three weeks of Regular Season Fantasy action remain on the calendar. Three weeks left for seven teams to make a push and join Shawn in the Big Dance. The clock is ticking and the trade deadline is approaching. Let's see which NFL stars were this week's keys to a postseason berth.

Game 1: Aaron def. Mike - And the Chumley goes to...
Warrick Dunn, RB, Atl - Aaron arrived at Melvin's crib on Friday Night in a state of panic. The more ESPNNews savvy in the crowd told him that Frank Gore wasn't playing in Monday's contest (turns out that was false). Aaron started to fret, claiming he didn't have a good running back to put next to MJD in his lineup. Trade speculation was rampant, at one point names like Correll Buckhalter were flying around. By night's end, A-Rep had decided to fill the vacancy in house, the only question was with who? Kenton Keith and Warrick Dunn were options. I, being the fantasy football blogger and self-proclaimed expert, told him to go with Kenton because at least the Colts would put up points and Keith might grab a TD of his own (lo and behold he did). In the end, Aaron went with Warrick Dunn, and it turned out to be the right move. Dunn chipped in with 22.2 points after being an afterthought only a few days earlier. Nice move, Pooch.

Game 2: Rich def. Paul - And the Chumley goes to...
Tony Romo, QB, Dal - Ladies and gentlemen, we officially have ourselves a Chumley Race. Romo has now bagged his third Chumley of the season, doing so with a fine 35.2 point performance. Speaking of a fine performance, major props go out to Rich for bringing the infamous Blue Horn down to Melvin's on Friday, filling the shoes of the original Green Horn. The horns have become a tradition unlike any other, as countless delicious beers have been conveyed from bottle to mouth through the confines of this musical instrument. If I were handing out Real Life Chumleys, Rich may have clinched one for keeping the Legend of Blue Horn alive.
Sidenote: When we do the Triple Threat Bachelor Party, this is a mandatory party accessory. And we need custom T-shirts.

Game 3: Craig def. Jordan - And the Chumley goes to...
Brian Westbrook, RB, Phi - Step aside, Tony Romo, Brian's got three Chumleys of his own. Words cannot express how valuable Westbrook is to both Craig and the Eagles. In fact, I'm embarrased that the Eagles made him return the extra money from his paychecks last year. He's worth whatever the accounting error was, he's literally carrying this team on his shoulders. Brian is second in receptions among all NFL running backs, to only Reggie Bush. Bush has 55 catches (for a measly 304 yards, less than 6 ypc), Westbrook has 54 (for 518, more than 9 ypc). No other RB even has 40. That's an awesome stat. Even if the Eagles begin a rebuilding process after this season, with Westbrook in the fold, they'll still always be dangerous.
Sidenote: If you look up "Idiot Savant" in the dictionary, there's a picture of Craig playing Big Buck Hunter. The man is like the deaf, dumb, and blind kid from "Pinball Wizard". And yes, that's a 'Who' reference. My dad would be awfully proud.

Game 4: Adam def. Melvin - And the Chumley goes to...
Hines Ward, WR, Pit - To be honest, there's not many worthy candidates on this squad. Hines kicked in with 17.4 points, on 7 catches for 80 yards and a touchdown. But Hines gets extra badass points for scoring on a two point conversion to put the Steelers up by a field goal in the 4th. Is that a logical reason to hand somebody a trophy? Maybe not. But it's my trophy and I say the 2 pt. conversion is a badass play. Congratulations Hines.
And congratulations to Adam, who trekked the farthest to make it down to Melvin's on Friday Night, going on what Google maps claims is a 4+ hour journey. Unbelievable dedication shown there by the resident woodsman.

Game 5: Shawn def. Deewaan - And the Chumley goes to...
Jeremy Shockey, TE, NYG - I already touched on Shockey's game in the Bajingos and Sasquatches feature, but the point is still valid: 12 catches by a tight end is far too many for an NFL defense to allow. Possibly true fact: In my entire 9th-12th grade playing career as a tight end, I'm not sure I hauled in 12 passes. I'm sure I was in that neighborhood. Somewhere in the 10-20 range. I do know I only scored two touchdowns, and Shockey even managed to do half of that in this game. Good stuff.
Shawn was not at Melvin's, and therefore, I have no anecdote to share about him.

Game 6: Shelby def. Hefty - And the Chumley goes to...
Shayne Graham, K, Cin - Many traditional media members would have gone with Favre in this one. Then again, many traditional media members go to bed at night praying they'll wake up as an ingrown hair on Favre's grundle. Needless to say, I'm not a traditional media member. No, I'll go out of my way to reward a kicker who made seven chip shot field goals, while his asshat QB couldn't lead one G-D scoring drive out of seven red zone trips. Enjoy the spotlight, Shayne. I hope it's your last time up here.
Shelby doesn't really exist, and therefore, couldn't take time out of his busy (read: greasing up his ding-dong to Alanis Morissette music videos from 1995) schedule to come up and see his buds.

Alright, there you have it! Week 10 in the books. Congratulations to all the winners, and especially Brian Westbrook and Tony Romo, who join Randy Moss as the only Three-Time-Award-Winners in Chumley history!!

Week 10 Round Up: Bajingos and Sasquatches

Sasquatch #5 will be enjoying the Golden Shower after this weekend.

It's time for everybody's favorite "who's hot/who's not" look around the fantasy scene. Yes, boy howdy, it's Bajingos and Sasquatches! Let's take a glance and see who deserves accolades (that's good!) and who deserves admonishment (that's bad!)!!
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BAJINGOS

1. The Peefaces That Are The Cincinnati Bengals Offense: Come ON!!!! Seven trips to the red zone, seven field goals. Not one lousy touchdown pass, not one lousy Carson Palmer QB sneak touchdown. Ugly. Shelby must have given Marvin Lewis one hell of a pregame beej.

2. Jamal Lewis: I'm guessing this isn't what Jamal had in mind for an encore to last week's 4 touchdown performance. 16 rushes for 35 yards. Putrid. Look, I know my glory days have come and gone as an athlete. Sad but true. But I'm pretty sure that if you gave me the ball 16 times in an NFL game, running behind an NFL line, I could average 2 yards a carry. I'd probably get a concussion or six, but that's beside the point. The point is, how does an NFL back get 35 yards on 16 carries?

3. LenDale White: Speaking of fat running backs, it's LenDale White!!! LenDale's stat line was actually worse than Jamal's: 8 carries for 12 yards. If I was a Titans coach, I'd have the grounds crew sprinkle the goal line with bacon bits just before kickoff. That way, LenDale would have extra motivation to get in the endzone.
Sidenote: I actually think the "LenDale White Is Fat!" jokes are stupid, and not that funny. But boy are they easy.

4. Adam Vinatieri - Any time you get a -1, you're a pretty good bet for Bajingo status. But miss a game winning 29 yarder despite being hailed as the most clutch kicker in the NFL and you're a mortal lock. Awful day for Adam and the Colts.

5. Philip Rivers - My. God. This guy is terrible. I know he occasionally gets his stats here and there. And yes, he's still ranked 16th among QB's. But he looked like a rookie Sunday against the Colts. He's lost TEN fumbles this year! TEN!!!! To put that in perspective, Steve McNair has eight. Donovan McNabb has six. How this guy still has a starting QB job is beyond me.

SASQUATCHES

1. The Juggernaut That Is The Cincinnati Bengals Defense: Look, I realize that any defense squaring up against the Baltimore Ravens offense is probably in for a good day. But on the other hand, any offense lining up across from the fellas in Orange and Black practically starts the game with 14 points. It's your classic Resistable-Force-Meets-Movable-Object. Well, anyway, the Bengals slapped together a near-shutout and pressured Steve McNair into countless mistakes, totalling six takeaways on the day.

2. Brian Westbrook: B West had the best day of any running back, scoring on his trademark shovel pass, a nifty catch and run that went for a long score, and a walk-in touchdown that sealed the game for the Birds. All in all, Westbrook accounted for 183 yards and 3 touchdowns. Best of all, he's restored my faith in the Eagles, who I've now made my Week 11 Suicide Pick.

3. Jeremy Shockey: Good Lord, do I hate Shockey. But watching the Dallas-Giants game on Sunday afternoon, I couldn't help but be impressed. The guy was absolutely everywhere: 12 catches for 129 yards and a score.

4. Tony Romo: On the other sideline, of course, was another fantasy points machine. Romo had his second 4 passing TD game of the season (both against NYG), on 20 of 28 for 247 yards. I feel kind of horrible for saying this, but Romo's actually kind of a likeable guy (as opposed to J-Shock). Although I was rooting for the Giants in this one (or a terrorist attack), it was hard not to be impressed with Romo's effort. I'm actually terrified to watch him carve up the Eagles twice a year for the next six.

5. The Canadian Cripplers: Do the math. Shawn has just clinched a playoff spot. He's up 4 games on the 9th place team with 3 left to play. Congratulations to our only 8-2 squad. Now that you clinched, I say it's time to rest your starters for the playoffs. Feel free to start all your bench players. In fact, do it this week. I'm sure whoever you're playing this week will be okay with it.

Grade The Trade: 11/9/07

Not-So-Breaking News: Bisbee and Canada have reached terms on a six-player deal. The trade sent Willie Parker and Jon Kitna to the Great White North, in return for Brian Griese, Kevin Jones, and Joey Galloway, who head out to the Wild Wild West.

From Shawn's Perspective:
Can't say I see a downside here. Shawn gets a Top-12 back, who is the workhorse runner on an offense best known for its workhorse runners. Parker will provide serious stability at the running back position, and pairing him with Willis McGahee gives him one of the best backfields in the league.
As for Kitna, he's at very worst a good fantasy backup, which is better than you could say about the QB's that the Cripplers have been trotting out on the field every week so far. Kitna has underperformed despite a plethora of talented receivers, but really, what else is new in Detroit?

From Mike's Perspective:
Mike recieves a three-player-combo-meal, which is to say he attempted to trade star power for depth. The only problem is, I'm not sure that's what he accomplished here.
Griese won't need to hit the field unless disaster strikes Derek Anderson, although given Sunday's injury and subsequent Rextacy, Griese might not be hitting any field but the practice field any time soon.
Kevin Jones has turned himself into a somewhat reliable option after missing the early part of the season. For the purposes of this trade review, I'm willing to overlook his Sunday stat line (4 carries, -4 yards, 1 TD). But all things considered, Mike's three backs are now Marshawn Lynch, Kevin Jones, and Najeh Davenport. That's not exactly the most comfortable situation.
Joey Galloway is the headliner in this deal for Mike, plain and simple. Galloway, who seems like he's been in the league forever at this point, is still playing some of his best ball, getting in a nice groove with Jeff Garcia. Bringing him into the starting lineup, and tossing turds like Jerry Porter and Santana Moss to the waiver wire may be the best thing about this trade for Mikey.

Overall: I'd have to say the edge goes to Shawn. Mike does get a big boost at WR, but he basically gives away a strong backup QB and one of the better runners in the league to do so. I'm not totally sure that's worth it. I hope you prove me wrong, Bisbee, because the Cripplers could be running away with my division title.

Week 10 Photo Finishes: Torn Ligament Edition

Don't worry about sucking, 49ers. Nobody's watching tonight anyway.

Well it's about time to put the lid back on the NFL and let simmer for 6 more days on medium heat, stirring occasionally. In other words, it's Monday Night. This is possibly the least interesting MNF matchup of the year, and that's not saying much, as they've definitely shown us some snoozers. Lucky for our fantasy landscape, not many of us are dependent on tonight's contest to determine our fates.

Let's take a look at what should be the only fantasy game impacted by tonight's (in)action.

Game 1: Mike (10.2 points) vs. Aaron (Matt Hasselbeck)
Honestly I think this is pretty much a slam dunk for Aaron to win. However, the weather forecast out of Seattle tonight is showing wind gusts of up to 60 MPH, which could make passing just a tad more difficult. While I certainly think the overall passing numbers should be tamed in this one, it's expecting too much for San Fran's defense to hold Matt Hasselbeck to under 100 yards and a score, which without any interceptions, is all it would take for Aaron to win. Aaron will get by, but probably not by much.

Re-reading what I wrote above, I sense a melancholy tone coming from my keyboard. I'm sorry to be Debbie Downer, but I just found out that Adrian Peterson tore a Lateral Collateral Ligament (that can't possibly be right, Lateral Co-Lateral??), which I hear is the least important ligament, but still one of those rubber bands that holds your leg bones together, so it's still somewhat necessary for proper running form.
Alas, I've avoided the injury bug far too long this season and probably had it coming.

MMSY: 11/12/07

Following this weekend, is it too much to ask "Touchdown" Fred Barnett to take over the body of Hank Baskett?

5 Things I Think I Thought That Were

1. I think that depsite not clinching a "win" per se with the controversial trade this week with Shawn, I'm glad to pawn off on the Pittsburgh fan the splendid mediocrity that is Willie Parker. Sure, his points-per-week average is good. Going into the weekend he was ranked the #11 scoring running back in ESPN. But Shawn, buddy: Enjoy the 100-yard games with no touchdowns. It really gets to be enjoyable -- even more so when you expend a No. 7 first round pick on him and watch the back chosen after Parker (Dr. Brian Westbrook) drop a 43-point atom bomb this week.

2. Jumpin' jehosiphat! What was with the stat line from James Thrash?? It was sickening to watch him dissect the Birds D, but then something strange happened. If one former trashy Birds offensive player could somehow be reincarnated on the field, well, why couldn't the current Eagles team benefit as well? It was as though the ghosts of Charles Johnson and Jed Weaver took over the bodies of Reggie Brown and LJ Smith. Weird, odd stuff.

3. I think it's really puzzling how fantasy football scoring works sometimes. Just look at Peyton Manning. Six interceptions! And somehow he's able to generate 19 points. I get the whole 328 yards passing and that accounting for something, but what the drilly-o? Commish, can we institute next year some sort of scoring penalty that would be triggered when a quarterback throws, oh, four INTs in a game? Maybe like a -10? As A Little Slap And Pickle would say, "I'm just saying."

4. I think that I will never live down my past indiscretions with past flames, no matter how much time passes. It was wonderful getting a voicemail from Craig, with you hoodlums shouting various names out in the background. Ohhhhhhhhh you guys!

5. I think that I'd be curious to hear how Jon's Saturday morning went. Word on the street from The Pied Piper of Upper Darby is that he had the most ... eventful ... Friday evening with the boys. Do share blog daddy!

Week 9 Double Shot: Power Bajingos and Power Sasquatches

Grab a cup of coffee and check out the hot new double feature.

Well sports fans, it's time to unveil the latest set of Power Rankings. And since Bajingos and Sasquatches went by the wayside this week, I'm combining the two features into one mega-feature. We'll not only rank the teams, we'll point out each team's strengths and weaknesses with the old B's and S's formats.

1. Canadian Cripplers (7-2, L1, Previous #1)
I know what you're thinking..."But he lost!! To the number 2 team in the rankings!! He can't still be #1!!!" Actually, yes he can. Since Sunday, he's gotten significantly better via trade (more on this later), and Slimfast may have gotten significantly worse.
BAJINGO - Looking at his roster as it stands pre-trade, the holes on this team are Brian Griese and Kevin Jones. Post-trade, those holes are filled. Ladies and gentlemen, that is a good trade.
SASQUATCH - The receiving trio of Colston, Randy Moss, and Chris Henry. That's right, the same Chris Henry who hasn't played a snap in 2007. He's already a Sasquatch. He's going to be awesome.

2. Hawaii McLovin (7-2, W2, Previous #2)
As I mentioned, Paul's team got some bad news, as it looks like Chad Johnson may miss this game, and his brother Larry will definitely miss this game. Replacing those two? Justin Fargas and Nate Burleson. Burleson's a half-decent receiver, and a superb punt returner, but Craig has made it perfectly clear that punt returns don't mean a damn thing.
BAJINGO - Philip Rivers is way too hot and cold to be counted on as we come up on playoff time. 4 games with multiple touchdowns, 4 games with a goose egg.
SASQUATCH - Clinton Portis slipped to the third round of our draft this year, mainly due to concerns about injuries and the presence of Ladell Betts. Well, if we were doing things over again, Portis would likely end up going in the first round. He's been the workhorse in Washington, and last week's 196 yard performance was a dandy.

3. Chicago Bear Grylls (6-3, W2, Previous #3)
I believe it's okay to announce that I made the steal of the draft by taking Adrian Peterson with the first pick of the FIFTH round, right? Everybody cool with that? Thought so.
BAJINGO - Although it's hard to call anybody in the top 10 at their position a Bajingo, Steve Smith probably deserves it. Smith is the Philip Rivers of wide receivers. Is he going to erupt for 100 plus yards and a touchdown, or is he going to finish the game with 2 catches for 14 yards? Your guess is as good as mine.
SASQUATCH - Peterson's the obvious answer, but I'll go with Braylon Edwards and Wes Welker. These two have become essential cogs in their offense, and now rank #3 and #5 at their position respectively. Unlike Smith, these guys are going to get their hands on the ball each and every week.

4. Jabroc Junk Jabbers (6-3, W1, Previous #5)
The rebirth of Lee Evans is impressive. It makes me enraged that I traded him and Dallas Clark for Eli Manning in my other league, but it's still impressive none the less.
BAJINGO - Jesse Chatman. What, Samkon Gado wasn't available?
SASQUATCH - The Tonys. Romo and Gonzalez. I think you should rename your team "Two Wetbacks Named Tony" to honor these two Hispanic gentlemen who share the same first name.

5. Dizeez Nutz (6-3, W1, Previous #4)
Aaron's almost a lock for the playoffs despite scoring just 3.2 points more than the lowest scoring team in the league. So I have to knock him down a peg from last week.
BAJINGO - Frank Gore. Hasn't ran for more than 88 yards in a game, and hasn't scored a TD since Week 2. Horribly disappointing season for a first round pick.
SASQUATCH - Steelers D and Nick Folk. These are the two most consistent contributors. It's a good thing we didn't go with Punters and Coaches. Aaron seems to have the market cornered on all the useless categories.

6. License To Kim Jong Il (5-4, W1, Previous #7)
Speaking of horribly disappointing first round picks, hey, it's Shaun Alexander!!!
BAJINGO - Alexander. Not even the movie "Alexander" was this big of a flop. And that movie featured extended Colin Farrell manass.
SASQUATCH - Kellen Winslow. The Second. He's been healthy, and he's been consistent, scoring 8 or more points in every game this season.

7. Bisbee Ball Maulers (4-5, L1, Previous #6)
The Jon Kitna Experience is over in Bisbee. The trade gives Mike the ancient Joey Galloway, who is currently the #8 ranked WR. Any move that gets Jerry Porter out of a team's starting lineup has to be considered a positive one.
BAJINGO - Anquan Boldin has cooled off since a white hot start to the season, mostly due to injury. However, if you're playing "Find The Bajingo" on a team with Jerry Porter, the rule of thumb is to just go with Jerry Porter.
SASQUATCH - Derek Anderson. I've made a few statements about some good free agent pickups this season, but when it boils down to it, there's no better addition than Derek Anderson, who currently ranks ahead of Peyton Manning, despite not starting in Week 1. Marshawn Lynch also gets some definite Sasquatch consideration.

8. Pocket T Bags (4-5, W2, Previous #10)
Shelby has a death grip on the #1 waiver wire priority. I'm actually a little astonished he didn't use it this week to pick up Koy Detmer, which would have been our shrewdest signing to date.
BAJINGO - Darrell Jackson is a major bust after switching scenery in the NFC West this offseason. Instead of catching 14 passes in a game like former teammate Bobby Engram did for Seattle last week, Jackson has caught 20 balls all season in San Fran.
SASQUATCH - Joseph Addai. This week, Addai, the second ranked running back, goes up against the same Chargers defense that allowed 296 yards and three touchdowns to the first ranked running back, Adrian Peterson, just a week ago.

9. Delaware Ding Dong Danglers (3-6, L1, Previous #8)
With Drew Brees catching fire of late, this could be a dangerous squad if they can manage to grab one of the last playoff spots.
BAJINGO - It would be easy to say Steven Jackson, but I don't know how well I could run if my groin muscle decided to explode. Instead I'll go with Reggie Brown, who's one half of the most frustrating WR duo in the NFL. Watching Owens explode on the Eagles for 10 catches and 150 yards, while Donovan fumbled on the first play and sailed passes into the stands made me wish things had turned out somewhat differently in Philadelphia.
SASQUATCH - LenDale White. LenDale had virtually no buzz before the season that made anybody believe he could be a featured back. Now, he's carried the ball 25 times or more in the last four games.

10. Death Knell (3-6, W1, Previous #12)
Step one of the transformation is complete. Craig is just a game out of the playoff hunt and has a new bad-ass persona. Now all you need is a tattoo that says "Bad Mothereffer" and you'll be a force to be reckoned with, my friend.
BAJINGO - Marvin Harrison. He's faking. I think somebody's just jealous that Reggie Wayne has emerged as the Top Dawg in Indy. (Come to think of it, a "Top Dawg" tattoo would work too, Craig.)
SASQUATCH - Brian Westbrook and T.O. Both ranked #4 in their respective positions. Boy, it's funny how even fantasy offenses click when these two are paired up.

11. Hollidaysburgs MPJ's (2-7, L2, Previous #9)
A two game win streak is now forgotten and Adam's quickly headed back down to his preseason residence.
BAJINGO - Cedric Benson, Hines Ward, Chris Brown, and Jay Cutler. Where the hell did you find these four guys? Oh. You don't say. Traded Peyton Manning for them, did you? I see.
SASQUATCH - Tom Brady. His American-Indian name would be "Lone Bright Spot".

12. Larry Craig Fritzes (1-8, L6, Previous #11)
Maybe it's not luck. Maybe this is your punishment for leaving the live draft early. The fantasy gods despise such behavior.
BAJINGO - Pretty much everybody but Jason Witten.
SASQUATCH - Jason Witten. Second among all tight ends, Witten has scored more points than all of your wide receivers. That's kind of embarrasing.

Week 9 Chumleys

For one week only, we excuse the ritual of photoshopping league members onto Heisman trophies to honor All Day.
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I know what you're thinking..."Chumleys BEFORE Bajingos and Sasquatches?! What the hell?!?! You LIED to me!!! You son ofa BITCH!!!" Well, what can I say, the past couple days at work have been hectic and I definitely want to make sure I get these awards handed out in a timely fashion. We'll get to B's and S's. Just not yet. Hang tight, you gorgeous men.

Game 1: Shelby def. Aaron - And the Chumley goes to...
Joseph Addai, RB, Ind - Last week I repeatedly mentioned that the Colts needed to get Addai rolling if they wanted to hang tight with the Pats. Well, Addai got himself rolling in a big way, taking a pass 73 yards just before halftime for a touchdown. He ended up with 112 yards rushing and 114 yards receiving. Although the AFC Championship would likely be held in Foxboro, the Colts showed enough in this game (without Marvin Harrison, nonetheless) to make the rematch extremely interesting should it happen. I disagree with Mike about handing the Pats the Super Bowl trophy just yet. The Colts are still the champs, and come January, they'll be eager to defend their title. Don't count them out yet. They could easily repeat.

Game 2: Rich def. Mike - And the Chumley goes to...
Tony Romo, QB, Dal - I hate rewarding players who beat the Eagles. I hate it even more when they play for Dallas. But Romo played well in front of a hostile Sunday Night Linc crowd, going 20/25, with 324 yards and 3 TD's. Peter King's Monday Morning Quarterback column pointed out that Romo essentially signed the same deal as the Rams gave to Marc Bulger just before the season. Ladies and gentlemen, that is one terrible agent.
Marc Bulger:
A) Spells his name with a 'c' instead of a 'k'. French people spell it that way.
B) Is the quarterback of an 0-8 team.
C) Is 3 years older than Tony Romo.
D) Couldn't bang Carrie Underwood if you gave her three Roofie Coladas.

Seriously though, that agent should have been fired on the spot. What a deal for Dallas.

Game 3: Hefty def. Adam - And the Chumley goes to...
Adrian Peterson, RB, Min - The only thing that bothers me about watching Peterson is that he's always lowering his head. Didn't this guy shatter his collarbone? I'd be leery of using my head as a battering ram if I had a flimsy bone supporting it. But anyway, that's the only thing that bothers me. He got 30 carries with a healthy Chester Taylor, which leads me to believe that Brad Childress has finally woken up and smelled the Sanka. Speaking of Vikings personnel moves, how about the Koy Detmer signing by the Vikes???? You're kidding me, right? Kelly Holcomb's neck injury is no reason to bring in Captain Neckbeard.
By the way, if any sequence of events leads to Koy Detmer starting again in the NFL, there's no possible point spread that could keep me from getting back in the gambling circuit and betting against Minnesota. (OK, that sounded exactly like something Bill Simmons would type, but I stand by it).

Game 4: Jordan def. Melvin - And the Chumley goes to...
Greg Jennings, WR, GB - Greg Jennings, eh? Well, to be honest, I don't know a damn thing about him, but ESPN tells me that he's the 13th best WR in the NFL. That's shocking to say the least. Am I the only one who goes to sleep every night praying for a Brett Favre steroid scandal? Even a Vicodin relapse would be acceptable at this point. Somebody has to end the feel good story in Green Bay. It's too much. Like those chocolate donuts that are also glazed that Dunkin Donuts sells. Come on. It's either chocolate or it's glazed. Make up your mind.

Game 5: Slims def. Shawn - And the Chumley goes to...
Clinton Portis, RB, Was - Portis had a monster game, racking up 196 yards on 36 carries (which is 100 yards fewer than Peterson on 6 more carries...just saying...), and a touchdown. Probably a bittersweet week for Slimmy though, as both of his Johnsons (Larry and Chad) are up in the air for next week's game. I'd also like to thank Slimmy for beating Shawn and putting me within one game of the divisional lead, and also for not getting upset at my awkward message board posting. For the record, I voted for "A Hug", and I'd be proud to give one to you next time I see you.

Game 6: Craig def. Deewaan - And the Chumley goes to...
Earnest Graham, RB, TB - How I arrived at my decision: I'm not rewarding T.O. on the off chance he reads my work, I'm not rewarding Westbrook, or any other Eagle after that shitstain on the rug that was Week 9, Bobby Engram came extremely close to winning, but in the end, I had to give it to Graham. The most eye-popping stat? 34 carries. For Earnest Graham??? Who the eff is this guy? And he's toting the rock 34 times against Arizona, killing clock in a 17-10 win? He also probably singlehandedly kept me alive in my survivor pool, which is reason enough for me to give him the trophy.

Congratulations to all the winners. This race is really starting to heat up, with 3 second-time winners this week. Randy Moss still has a leg up on the field, but this is anyone's game with 4 weeks to play.

Week 9 Photo Finishes: Primanti Brudders Edition!!

Stole this picture right off of ESPN.com's NFL page. I'm even getting too lazy to Google.

Gather 'round, young whippersnappers. We got ourselves an AFC North game tonight, and three fantasy matchups still in the balance. Let's see who wins and who loses.

Game 1: Craig (19.4 points) vs. Deewaan (Derrick Mason)
I've written Craig off for dead, literally, so it only makes sense that he loses in completely agonizing fashion tonight. Besides, I'll be cheering heavily for the Ravens tonight, so to fulfill my master plan, D-Mase will need to step up and put up some major numbers. No running back has had a good game against the Steelers, since I think the late '60's, so let's see if the Ravens can't find some success Air-Mc-Nair-ing it out. 2 TD's and 80 yards should get the job done (yes, I know he only has two all season so far), and Dave slips by Craig.

Game 2: Rich (33.9 points, Santonio Holmes) vs. Mike (Willie Parker)
33.9 points would be a monster game against the Ravens defense, no matter how much they may have slipped from years past. However, adding in Santonio's points will only make it all the less likely that Mike can climb this deficit and win this one. Rich wins comfortably.

Game 3: Hefty (60.5 points) vs. Adam (Hines Ward, Todd Heap)
Something tells me I can breathe easy in this one and just work on putting the finishing touches to my 1:5 scale replica of Adrian Peterson. I chose to construct the shrine out of brownie batter, so when I'm done, I can pop him in the oven and snack away at my Purple Fantasy Savior during upcoming Vikings games. Mmmmm...sacrelicious.

Steelers Loss Is My Gain

Pick your head up, Willis, you've got some money to win for me.

SURVIVOR POOL UPDATE:
Since I know you're all anxiously awaiting the results of my Survivor Pools, I'll fill you in.

1. Kissing Suzy Kolber - It's not for money or anything, but I'm hoping once I win, Big Daddy Drew will deliver me a handwritten letter of gratitude and an invitation to quit my real job and blog for KSK full time. 50 original entrants has whittled itself down to 4, of which Chicago Bear Grylls is still one. All of us won in Week 9, with myself choosing Tampa Bay.

2. My Dad's Fancy Manhattan Co-Workers - This was 10 entries at 25 bucks a piece. We're now down to 3 finalists, of which Turn Your Head And Coughlin (that would be me) is still one. This week, I selected Tampa Bay, as I believe in an all-or-nothing approach in my picking. The two other guys in the pool are taking Pittsburgh, at home against the Ravens tonight. If the Steelers lose, the contest is over and I win 250 bucks. If the Steelers win, we all move on to next week, and I probably am stuck picking some crappy team like the Panthers.

If you're unfamiliar with the concept of a Survivor (or Suicide) Pool, it can be explained thusly:
You select one team each week to win. If your team wins, you advance to the next week. However, any team you previously selected may not be chosen again. For the record, here's the teams that have helped me advance this far.

1. Seattle (def. Tampa)
2. Pittsburgh (def. Buffalo)
3. New England (def. Buffalo)
4. Dallas (def. St. Louis)
5. Tennessee (def. Atlanta)
6. San Diego (def. Oakland)
7. New Orleans (def. Atlanta)
8. Indianapolis (def. Carolina)
9. Tampa Bay (def. Arizona)

MMSY: 11/5/07

It's gonna take a Herculean effort for any of the Autobots (besides Aaron) to move into serious, serious playoff contention.

5 Things I Think I Thought That Were

1. I think that, since I won't be making the trip to Philly this weekend for the Temple festivities, I'd like to place odds on various things that COULD happen. Please add your own predictions in the comments section (wink, Hefty! Like me trying to get the participation going on your blog?? Yeah!):
a. 1-1 that Craig accidentally-on-purpose walks in on Melvin showering.
b. 3-1 that someone makes an uncomfortable joke about Paul's still-sour feelings on The Trade That Almost Was while around Adam. Crap, that happened on the ESPN message board already? Alright, let's bump it up to 7-2.
c. Pick 'em that I'll be wishing I was there, just to smear butter on someone's head whilst they slumber. Awwww, miss you guys!
d. I'd make more predictions but I was left off that email list and can't fully remember who is going. Kinda ruins that...

2. I think that, aside from committing armed robbery on a toddler (thanks, Paul!), the only other thing more enjoyable than watching Sunday night's Cowboys' thumping of the Birds was DVR'ing through the entire first half. Made that second touchdown drive seem much less painful. Wake me up when this season is over, it's April and the Eagles are on the clock.

3. I think someone should just give the Patriots the title. Just put us all out of our misery. There I was, at the Skybox in Glendale, beginning of the 4th quarter in that game. I was gloating beyond belief, happy that my obvious bias against Boston correctly led me to pick the Colts to win -- so I thought. Well, the rest of that 4th quarter made me throw up in my mouth and whiz my drawers. Note: I was able to eat chicken fingers and fries before losing control of bodily functions.

4. I think... eh. The Eagles are awful.

5. I think that anyone planning to make the trip to San Antonio to watch the Nitts is foolish. This weekend they'll slaughter Temple in front of the rowdy alumni. But all signs are pointing toward a tremendous letdown at East Lansing in two weeks. However, I must say I was happy to see Dan Connor take the all-time tackles lead at PSU. So happy that I prankcalled my former high school basketball coach repeatedly for the rest of Saturday afternoon. It was hilarious.