I. AM. LEGEND.

After vanquishing my foe, I know exactly how El Presidente feels.

It's finally happened. After 10+ years of toiling, my lifelong dream of winning a fantasy football championship will come to fruition tomorrow night, barring the most unforseen of all circumstances.

First of all, my hat goes off to Shawn, whose team spent more time in the X-ray room than on the field this week. Willie Parker, Willis McGahee, Marques Colston, and Anthony Gonzalez all left the game early on and were never factors. That's a shitty way to lose a championship matchup.

Secondly, I'd like to publicly berate Carson Palmer, who will never be welcomed on a Jon Hefty franchise again. You sir, have earned the lifetime ban. You throw to one of the best threesomes of wide receivers in the NFL, against the Browns defense, at home, and manage to put up only 7.1 points? Horrendous. When Tarvaris Jackson outscores you by 22 points, you have officially just blown a walrus. Awful. Sure, you'll get your championship ring, but I'm lacing it with anthrax. Hopefully it eats away at the skin on your throwing hand and you never play another snap in the NFL.

Thirdly, I'd like to thank all my players for not getting hurt. Sure, I had the minor injuries, like an Adrian Peterson gimpy knee, or a Vernon Davis strained something-or-other, but every team had that. No, what I'm proud of is avoiding players who ended up, say, snapping fibulas like overextended mechanical pencil lead. You guys did a great job, although I'd like to take part of the credit here. The Pilates sessions at my condo this summer really did a good job of keeping you strong throughout the season.

Fourthly, I'd like to thank the sock that bore my name and fortuitously bounced into my grasp during the First Annual Laundry Lottery. Although I'm sure that my winning the #1 pick and then the league championship almost certainly means that we'll never do anything like that again, it was well worth it. I'd also like to thank LaDainian for getting his shit together in the last few weeks of the season. Well worth the wait.

Fifthly, I'd like to thank Uncle Walbo for Wes Welker.

Sixthly, I'd like to thank Dr. Dangler for Jerricho Cotchery, who decided Week 16 was a fine time to have his best game of the season.

Seventhly, I'd like to tell the Craigger that he needs to fix the scoring on ESPN.com. The Bears defense was only credited for one of their defensive/special teams touchdowns against the Packers. The blocked punt recovery one isn't showing up for some reason.

Eighthly, I'd like to thank each and every one of you for my prize money. You've all been tremendous. God Bless.

Always and Forever,
The World Champion of The Universe

Third Place Is Second Loser

Ah, Bronze...crappiest of all the precious metals.

I'm not sure who decided the hierarchy of medals for rewarding competitors. Some say it was the Ancient Greeks. Others, the Chinese. But no mater who came up with this idea, it's safe to say they should have just awarded a Gold and Silver and called it a day. The bronze looks cheap. It's malleable and tarnishes quickly, and in many ways, so are Bronze Medal winners. They're significant only because they stand on the lowest step of a podium, and then their memory is quickly forgotten.

In horse racing, there are three options; Win (1st), Place (2nd), or Show (3rd). Show? What the hell does that mean? You showed up? Wow, sounds mighty impressive! So did 7 other horses that also didn't win.

However, all animosity for third placery aside, this league actually offers a rather tantalizing runner-up game. And besides, if this were really the WWF, for every Mankind vs. Triple H hell-in-a-cell pay-per-view headliner, you get at least six to ten X-Pac vs. Shane McMahon for the European Championship type undercards. I like our version though: Jordan's Ils will take on Rich's Jabbers for the jackpot sum of $75. Which means slightly more than Craig won this season. Not a great prize, but I still dig the matchup. Let's peek around and get somebody set up with a direct deposit for the check.

3rd Place Game: L2KJI vs. JJJ

QBs: Peyton Manning vs. Tony Romo - Slight Edge: Rich.
This Jessica Simpson bullshit story is ridiculous. Do you want to know what this is? This is sportscasters trying to find a relevant way to announce that they'd like to bang Jessica. Big deal. We know, guys. The fact of the matter is, reporting on sports makes it difficult to discuss hot chicks at work unless they're front and center a la J-Simp. Guess what? If Romo had thrown six touchdowns last week, the story still would have revolved around Jessica. Fact: this is exactly the reason we do movie reviews on ALSAP, so I can throw up the occasional Lindsay Lohan pic and not have it seem perverted.

RBs: Marion Barber and Ryan Grant vs. Larry Maroney and Ron Dayne - GIANT Edge: Jordan.
I love Jordan's backs. I also love Jordan's back hair, but that's another column entirely. Barber gets to dine on Panther carcass, and Ryan Grant will eat the finest Bear meats in the land. Meanwhile, Maroney will be getting six carries, and Dayne will be fat.

WRs: Reggie Wayne, Greg Jennings, and Brandon Marshall vs. Larry Fitzgerald, Santonio Holmes and Lee Evans - Edge: PUSH.
I get throbbing wood when I watch Reggie Wayne play, this Marshall kid seems like a perrenial stud in the making, and Greg Jennings seems to catch a touchdown every single week. Rich's receivers are probably less talented as a whole, but always seem like they're one play away from unleashing fantasy hell on Rich's opponents. I also like their matchups slightly more. Larry Fitzgerald vs. the Falcons?! Come ON!!

TE/D/K (aka Intangibles): Kellen Winslow, Packers, Jeff Reed vs. Tony Gonzalez, Buccaneers, Mason Crosby - Edge: Jordan.
This is where the battle will be won. Winslow plays the Bengals and could go bananas. The Packers play Cowboy Kyle Orton (that's another WWF reference!!), and Jeff Reed already put up 11 points. Meanwhile, the Buccaneers and Crosby almost singlehandedly beat me last week, so I'm calling for them to cool off a bit.

YOUR Winner and NEW Bronze Medal Holders: License to Kim Jong Il.

UNCLE WALBO'S CHAMPIONSHIP PREVIEW EXTRAVAGANZA!!!!

Yeah! What he said!
.

This year’s WFFL finals are like a classic wrestling match out of the 1980s WWF realm. Now, I might’ve just lost most of you who weren’t impressionable, young, geeky doofs watching Hulk Hogan cup his ear to the crowd and Ric “The Model” Martel spraying his Arrogance fragrance in opponents’ eyes. Well ‘eff off then, I’m going with it.

I’ve decided to break down the matchup between J-Hizzle and S-Nozzle as such:
We’ll measure charisma (aka how they GM’ed their team throughout the year); finishing move (aka the player who will make the biggest impact this weekend); and likability (aka who are we more biased against) to decide who’ll be cashing the first place check from Kaiser Fritz.

Onward! March!

Chicago Bear Grylls.
The team – OK, the GM – has resembled Mr. Perfect for most of the year. Much like the character Curt Henning played in arenas, J-Hizzle brings an I’m-better-than-you-so-don’t-try-to-beat-me approach to his team. Except he doesn’t swat his chewing gum into the audience like Henning (that was always so cool) or have a greasy perm.

Charisma
Very electric. Having the No. 1 pick helped GM-wise, for sure. However, LDT arguably has been a disappointment this year, which is still kinda insane to say considering he’s the No. 1 rated RB. But it just feels like he was off all year. However, the drafting of Adrian Peterson has worked out decently. OK, awesomely. Braylon Edwards has soared through the roof this year and acquiring Wes Welker midseason brought a solid No. 2 receiver.
However, missteps have included going with Chicago D early (we know the reasons why) and Vernon Davis at TE. Both have been disappointments.

Finishing Move
Adrian Peterson. In a must-win game against the Skins for playoff, do you think the Vikes will have Tarvaris Jackson throw 20 passes? Move back over, Chester, All Day is coming through.
(and for the record, Mr. Perfect’s finisher was the Perfectplex. So difficult to get out of.)

Likability
Mr. Perfect always was a bad guy in his wrestling days. J-Hizzle has been the unabashed leader of this riff-raff blog the entire season and brought lots of laughs and terrific analysis. He also has shied away from his early-season bravado and recently broke out the “Gee, golly, maybe AD won’t get 22 points against Chicago” last week. Ohhhh you!


The Canadian Cripplers
Since his squad is named for a wrestler, this makes my whacked out idea even better. TCC, however, more resemble the Hot Rod himself, “Rowdy” Roddy Piper. Can our future immigration lawyer cracked a coconut over the head of the Bear Grylls, just like Piper did to Jimmy Snuka?

Charisma
The best in the league. S-Nozzle took a flier on Randy Moss and, well, it sorta worked out. 19 TDs!!!! Wild. Meanwhile, he stayed at the top or near the top with a ragtag round of QBs. Now he has Garrard, who is red hot on a red-hot team.

Finishing Move
Well, Piper didn’t really have one. He just kinda stomped people. Just like he did in “They Live,” the John Carpenter sci-fi action film from 1988, which was on last weekend. Terrific stuff.
Moss. A favorable face-off against the Dolphins.

Likability.
Piper also was mostly a bad guy, though his wild ways later in his career endeared him to the crowds. Much like Shawn. He upperdecked a former girlfriend’s apartment, but now he is well behaved at functions. Still, there is that wild streak in the eyes.

The Pick.
This is a difficult one. Both sides have some very mouth-watering matchups. Can TCC’s running backs perform up to par with the Bear Grylls nearly impossibly stable of LDT and AD? Does Colston negate Welker? Or vice versa? Which QB comes up bigger against weak defense, Carson or Garrard?

Roddy Piper is a wild man. But Mr. Perfect does not lose.

Bear Grylls 118, Cripplers 102.

Craig's Reign of Terror Ends

The King of BBH couldn't handle my hotness on the Bighorn Sheep round.

It took a few games, but I finally knocked off the champ at some Big Buck Hunter on Saturday Night. It's clear, I just can't hack it on the Whitetail and Elk rounds, but I pwn3d myself some Rams. Good times.

I think I won by 12 points, which is pretty much the narrowest victory margin in BBH history.

Even If I Lose, This Movie's Still Going To Rawk

Chicken Porpoise!!!

Week 15 Photo Finishes: All Night Peterson

All Day trampled the Bears for 51 fantasy points last time they met. Can he continue his success tonight?

Deep breath. Cleansing thoughts.

Ok, now we're ready. First of all, let me congratulate Mr. Hussein on his performance yesterday. Welcome to the championship, sir. It's well deserved. Now, with those formalities out of the way, let's focus on the real business at hand. As many of you might have noticed, my Jabar Gaffney-Wes Welker tandem did slightly less record book trampling than I had imagined. As a result, I now find myself staring up at Rich from the bottom of a 23.9 point hole. Lucky for me, Rich shot all his bullets during yesterday's games, so I don't have to worry about making up any extra ground, just the 24 points. At my disposal will be Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Peterson. Peterson has had an astounding rookie season, don't get me wrong. But when you comb through his numbers this year, he's more up and down than you might think. Sure, he busted up the Chargers to the tune of 296 yards and 3 TDs. But then there's games like last week where he went for...ahem...3 yards.

Something's got to give tonight. Peterson strikes me as a poised, confident, kid. The type who hates statlines like last week's and wants desperately to erase them from memory. When it was questioned if he should play again this season, he came back from a sprained LCL after only two weeks and had a monster game against Detroit. Now, with the Kornheisers and Jaworskis of the world likely bringing up his 14 carries, 3 yards in front of a national audience, I believe he's the type of guy who desperately wants to show them something to praise instead.

Here's how I see the game going tonight. I believe Brad Childress will lean on Chester Taylor early in the game, as he's been the more consistent runner of late. I also think he wants to keep Peterson's workload light, but he knows that the Vikings HAVE to win this game to stay in the driver's seat for the playoffs. So I think his hand is forced slightly and he has to play Peterson more than he'd hope to. He'll be close to 20 carries, but not quite that many. Maybe 16 or 17. Peterson is still averaging 6.1 yards per carry on the season, so if he maintains that line, he should be right up around 100 yards. So there's 11 points. I say he also gets a swing pass in the red zone and takes it in for a touchdown on his only catch of the game. So there's another 7 points. Sadly, that's all I think he's good for tonight. 18 points.

That's a nice day, but it's still not to get me over the hump. So I'll need at least 6 points out of the Bears D to get me into the Championship. I think they're up for it. Improved or not, Tarvaris Jackson is still Tarvaris Jackson. He throws a costly pick-six which should be enough for the Chicago Bears to put the Chicago Bear Grylls into the Title Round.

My Prediction: Junk Jabbers 98.8, Bear Grylls 104.8
Hector and Victor's Prediction: Junk Jabbers 98.8, Bear Grylls 106.3

Which QB Would You Rather Start?

The guy knocking Cowboy boots with Jessica Simpson, or the guy going Poodle Beach on a bratwurst???

Me, I'll take Palmer. Romo's legs will be tired out, and Carson will be filled with processed pork, giving him all the strength he needs for a monster game!!

Shit. I'm screwed, aren't I?

The Editor Breaks His Silence

Do these guys hate each other enough to make even Jabar Gaffney relevant?

OK, first of all, I apologize to Walbsy for stepping on his post, which is splendid, even though he predicts both games incorrectly. Can't fault him for a good effort though. However, I'm certain that both Shawn and I will be advancing one more round and meeting in an epic battle for the Champeenship next week. The reason I make such a brash claim is because both myself and Nose-stradamus are both starting Patriots wide recievers this week. In fact, I'm starting two!

At the risk (and I hate how many times I end up taking this risk...) of sounding like Bill Simmons, do you even know how lopsided this game is going to be? The Jets blew the whistle on the Pats in Week 1 on the camera issue. Somehow, this has turned into a four-month long story, and this stupid issue still stirs up hatred within Bill Belichick. I don't really understand why, but I don't really have to. All I have to know is that Tom Brady is about to SHATTER some passing records on Sunday. And if I can get Welker and Jabar Gaffney in my lineup, well, I'm getting in on the hottest meal ticket of the season. Patriots vs. Jets part II. Legitimate sports journalists are wondering if this might be the most lopsided victory in NFL history. So with that in mind, I encourage the rest of you to sign any and every single player in a Patriots uniform who might get a ball thrown at them.
Yes that includes Troy Brown.
Yes that includes Chad Jackson.
Yes that includes Mike Vrabel.
Yes that includes goal-line fullback Junior Seau.
Yes that includes punter Chris Hanson, who I believe holds on field goals and could catch a touchdown on a fake. (And he might even catch a predator!!...BAZING!!!)

So while I understand that you're just pulling your weight for the good of the blog, Miguel, I think you're far, far, off the mark on this one.

Uncle Walbo's Week 15 Semi-Final Preview Spectacular!!!

Uncle Walbo is back and ready to sink his big effin' teeth into another round of the WFFL 2007 playoffs.

So I went 3-1 last week with my predictions. Who would've known that every single person on License to Kim Jong Il would score a touchdown. Really, it was quite outrageous the output that team saw. Anyway, let's get to the breakdown.

This week we'll pit the final four teams together, see who has the cajones to pull it off and who will be floating along in the cesspool of the Consolation Ladder.

CHICAGO BEAR GRYLLS AT JABROC JUNK JABBERS

BEAR GRYLLS
Porn 'stache potential
James Jones. He's not starting, but a matchup against the St. Louis Rams just screams "Oh yeah, dropping loads all over Scott Linehan's headset!" But hey, I'm sure Sidney Rice will do well.

Favorable matchups
1. Carson Palmer, QB. Carson Pa-Pa gets the absolutely horrific 49ers to toy with. There could be major fireworks from him
2. LaDainian Tomlinson, RB. The Chargers play Detriot. Repeat. The Chargers play Detroit. If Marion Barber can dump three TDs on the Motor City team...

Hiccup alert!
Bears D. Yes, we know Hester's amazing return TDs have meant squat for the Bears squad all season, but for real. Where is the defense? The turnovers aren't there. Scant defensive touchdowns. The Vikings have shown they can Team Ramrod it down teams' throats on the ground. Is this a case of cutting off your nose to spite your face? (Peterson and Bears D).

JUNK JABBERS

Porn 'stache potential
Buccaneers D. Playing against a deflated team that got kicked in the nards by Bobby Petrino (!!), Tampa could see tons of turnovers, tons of "who cares, we suck" play and maybe a defensive TD.

Favorable matchups
1. Tony Gonzalez, TE. Just a stud. He's a fantastic matchup against anybody, even with those warm corpses, er QBs, that KC is using out there. Look for at least 80 yards and a score against the Titans.
2. Larry Fitzgerald, WR. Yeah, so Captain Kurt threw five picks last week. The Cards still love slingin' the ball, the Saints start Jason David at corner and this has potential to be a major shootout.

Hiccup alert!
Samkon Gado. He will not perform like that again. 22.6 points? No way.

The Pick
It's essentially Tony Romo versus Peterson and Tomlinson. Rich has had the magic all season. Look for an outburst from an unknown Junk Jabber for a squeaker of a victory.
Junk Jabbers 115, Bear Grylls 112.


CANADIAN CRIPPLERS AT LICENSE TO KIM JONG IL

CRIPPLERS
Porn 'stache potential
Randy Moss. Is there ANY doubt that the Patriots will be tossing long bombs on the New York Snitches all day long?

Favorable matchups
1. Marques Colston, WR. Facing an often porous Cardinals secondary. Colston has come on strong in the last seven weeks.
2. Willis McGahee, RB. Once again, the Cripplers get a nice boost by having a star player face off against a putrid team. In this case, it's the Fins. Big numbers await Willie.

Hiccup alert!
David Garrard, QB. Here's where we'll see if Shawn's GM skills are really top notch. Garrard faces off against the Steelers, who are reeling after a beating at the hands of New England.


KIM JONG IL

Porn 'stache potential
Ryan Grant, RB. Another very, very nice matchup against the Rams. Dude has been diesel and we here at ALSAP see no reason to say he won't repeat it this week.

Favorable matchups
1. In just one of several, watch for Reggie Wayne to go ape shit against the Raiders. Yes, the Raiders run D is mindblowingly bad, but watch out for the Manning-to-Wayne air attack. Teams seem to like lighting up the Raiders.
2. Packers D. If Brock Berlin (no, he does not have porn 'stache potential, though the name makes it hard not to think it) is starting for St. Louis, this is way way way way favorable.

Hiccup alert!
It's a weak one because J-Dome's matchups are really good this week: Kellen Winslow. He's facing off against a respectable Buffalo defense and is coming off a stinky 3.8 performance last week.

The Pick
If you just look at the matchups, J-Dome should win hands down. His team is littered with matchups against the Rams, Houston, Oakland and the Eagles. However, the Cripplers have been pretty steady throughout the season, save for that end-of-season losing streak. Well now they're back. Randy Moss could conceivably catch eight TDs this weekend. If Garrard can get two TD passes against the Steelers, that swings the momentum north of the border.
Kim Jong Il 133, Cripplers 120

TMSY: 12/11/07

And there was a ... FIRE FIGHT!

1 Thing I Think I Thought That Were

1. A LOT of hot action in the playoffs this weekend. And then there were four. Well, plus two -- because who can forget about The Consolation Ladder (aka the Toilet Brush Game)? Congrats to Junk Jabbers, Cripplers, Kim Jong Il and Bear Grylls. Look for another playoff preview blowout from yours truly later this week!

Special Playoff Edition: Photo Finishes!

Will Matt Stover be a hero or just another lonesome kicker?

Thanks to some late game heroics by Wes Welker, I'm now leading SlimJim by 15.9 points. He's got only Stover left to go. I've already chewed through three fingernails, and I'm sure by the time the game actually starts I'll be puking.

Indy's defense is solid enough to shut down the Ravens offense. I think I'll be alright, but it's going to be much closer than I would like it.

So How Bad Did I Screw Up??

This might get a little awkward...

So way back before anybody had played a meaningful game, I took my best guess at figuring out who was going to suck and who was going to have a good season. This is difficult at best. Right after the draft, mostly everybody's team looked good on paper (except one), so I was basically picking out of a hat.
But we here at ALSAP are not above seeing our faults, so let's take a look back at the first edition of the Power Rankings, and compare them to where everybody stands now. Feel free to point and laugh where necessary. We'll go in the exact order of the playoff seedings for convenience's sake.

1. Rich (Preseason #1)
Well, well, well. Maybe I'm not so stupid. We're off to a good start. Maybe I overvalued Reggie Bush, but I'm still happy I nailed the #1 team.

2. Jordan (Preseason #11)
Well now! That feeling didn't last very long, did it! In my defense: 1) He's the second seed due to winning his division, which is a technicality, 2) He traded for Peyton Manning, which drastically altered the future of his team. Still, I was way off on J-Ying. Although I did say Benson would stink and Winslow would be a stud.

3. Shawn (Preseason #4)
Not too shabby. I like the prediction I made on Moss here: "Randy Moss is either totally washed up or about to cement himself as a top-tier wideout. If he can't be a playmaker in New England, then he can't make an impact anywhere. I like this team's chances though." You see how I didn't commit so I could be right either way? That's seasoned journalism.

4. Hefty (Preseason #2)
Another pick right in the ballpark. I overestimated how good LT, Palmer and Steve Smith would be, but I severely underestimated how good Adrian and Braylon would be. So it evened out.

5. Slimmy (Preseason #7)
Nice call on Larry Johnson sucking. I'll admit, this team ended up being way better than I thought. The only reason I didn't put Paul lower is because I didn't want it to look like I hated the Davis Bros. It didn't work; this ended up happening a few short weeks later.

6. Aaron (Preseason #5)
OK, I'm actually pretty impressed with myself at this point. This team was underwhelming at times, but did enough early in the season to grab a playoff spot. I still say it's 1-'n'-Dun for A-Rep.

7. Craig (Preseason #8)
Nailed another one. Had I any idea that Vince Young would stink worse than a proctologist's fingernails, I would have had this team down in the double digits. At the time, I had been playing massive amounts of Madden with the Titans, and worshipped the ground VY walked upon.

8. Adam (Preseason #12)
OK, I was definitely wrong on this one. I thought Adam would have to wait a long time before anybody took the Manning/Brady bait, and it turns out he was able to do this fairly quickly and turn the team around. Nicely done, sir.

9. Mike (Preseason #6)
I bought into the Kitna hype. The wheels fell off that bandwagon pretty quickly, didn't they? The early Deuce McAllister injury was pretty devestating, too.

10. Shelby (Preseason #9)
Right on. I thought Edge James was washed up, but he ended up with a nice year. Same with Favre. How exactly did you finish out of the playoffs? You had the #4 QB, #4 and #9 RB, #6 TE, #2 D/ST...what the hell happened here? Oh, I've got an idea. You also had the #1 waiver spot all freaking season long. Next year try making a move or two.

11. Dave (Preseason #3)
Yikes. Way off on this one. Chances are that I wrote this column after a cuddling session on Poodle Beach. Because I don't know how I didn't see the warning signs here. Here's what I wrote on Dave's first two picks: "Steven Jackson and Drew Brees are arguably top two at each of their positions. That sort of thing comes in handy. " Yes. It would have come in handy if it were true, but it was actually a giant bag of hideous lies.

12. Melvin (Preseason #10)
I hated Ronnie Brown, but he ended up being one of the only bright spots of the season for Melvin. See, even when I'm right, it's for the wrong reasons.

So there you have it. I have to say I didn't do too badly. If I could have swapped Jordan and Dewaan, I would have been amazingly accurate. Since that's the case, I owe it to you to offer my playoff picks.

Round 1:
-Junk Jabbers def. MPJs
-Bear Grylls def. McLovin
-Cripplers def. Dizeez Nuts
-Death Knell def. Kim Jong Il

Round 2:
-Bear Grylls def. Junk Jabbers
-Death Knell def. Cripplers

Finals:
-Bear Grylls def. Death Knell (Championship game)
-Junk Jabbers def. Cripplers (3rd place game)

THE FINAL CHUMLEY CEREMONY

With his league leading 5th Chumley award, Tony and Jessica are now officially the Power Couple of A Little Slap And Pickle!!

The Heisman may get more airtime on ESPN, but there's another very special award to hand out tonight. For the past few weeks, Randy Moss vs. Tony Romo has been the ALSAP!! equivalent of Tim Tebow vs. Darren McFadden. The Chumleys will wrap up today, and after 13 weeks, I'm pleased to announce we have ourselves a grand champion. He wasn't the only one deserving of the Week 13 hardware, so let's see who else earned themselves a statue.

Game 1: The Ding Dong Danglers def. Pocket T-Bags - And the Chumley goes to...
Panthers, D/ST, Car - 4 picks, 2 fumble recoveries, 6 sacks, and a touchdown all added up to a 28 point day out of the Kitty Cats.

Game 2: MPJ's def. Nutz - And the Chumley goes to...
Hines Ward, WR, Pit - Hines caught 11 balls for 90 yards and 2 touchdowns. The yardage is surprising after that many catches, but the wily-Half-Asian was good for 23.2 points. Not surprisingly, this game happened against the Bengals D. If anybody has a few spare hours, go through the archives and figure out how many Chumley awards were won against Cincinnati's defense. It seems like it's at least 20 percent.

Game 3: Chicago def. Bisbee - And the Chumley goes to...
LaDainian Tomlinson, RB, SD - The #1 overall pick collects his second Chumley of the season. LT had a monster day running for 177 yards and 2 scores. Sidenote: Did anybody notice that the two teams squaring off for the #1 playoff seed last week drafted 11th and 12th? That's proof right there that you can have a great season no matter where you are in the draft order. Pretty amazing GM job by both Shawn and Rich.

Game 4: N. Korea def. Hawaii - And the Chumley goes to...
Peyton Manning, QB, Ind - Peyt put together his best game of the season just in time for the playoffs. Manning has thrown 7 touchdowns in his past two games and is doing just fine even though Marvin Harrison is still dinged up.

Game 5: Death Knell def. Sen. Craig - And the Chumley goes to...
Terrell Owens, WR, Dal - Owens has gone for 100+ yards in 5 of his past 6 games, and he's caught a TD in the last seven straight. Dallas is clearly playing the best football in the NFC right now, and if the Super Bowl matchup is Dallas-New England, I'm not having the Super Bowl party this year. I'm just not ready to decide which team I despise less.

Game 6: Canada def. Jabroc, TN - And the Chumley goes to...
Tony Romo, QB, Dal - Tony puts a nice ribbon on the Chumley race with his Week 13 gem. Against the Packers, Tony had 309 yards, 4 TDs, and 37.1 fantasy points. Rich is now in the driver's seat for the playoffs, and most importantly, the Chumley went to the best player on the best team, which is how it was supposed to go. What's most amazing about Romo's season is the gap in the numbers between him and the rest of the QBs in the NFL (other than Tom Brady). Romo has 355.3 points this year, the next closest horse in the race is Derek Anderson with 287.9, and then there's another six guys all in the same range. But Romo's numbers blow them all away.

A heartfelt congratulations to Tony Romo, who will now be known as Mr. Chumley, and his lovely bride Jessica Simpson. For his season-long accomplishment, Mr. Chumley will win a fantabulous prize package. Let's see what the happy couple has won.
-A year of free Appletinis at Chumley's Bar
-A lifetime supply of ProActiv solution
-An official A Little Slap And Pickle!! hand towel
-An "Employee of the Month" DVD (Widescreen)
-A shiatsu massage from Peter King (complete with Happy Ending)

Uncle Walbo's Week 14 Playoff Preview Spectacular!!!

It's been a "rocky road" to the 2007 Westside FFL playoffs! (sorry, couldn't get the Goonies pic you sent me...)

EDITOR'S NOTE: For a fair and balanced look at Playoff Action, we bring in Senior Playoff Analyst, Mike Walbert. His words are below.


After 13 weeks of blood, sweat and horrible jokes, here stands Westside Fantasy Football League 2007, poised for the postseason to begin. Well, everyone except me, Deewaan, Matthew and Shelby. Fine.

It’s time to breakdown the playoff matchups, the matchups within the matchups and make predictions of who will prevail and who will be joining the loser brigade. Are. You. Reeeeeeeeady?


#8 HOLIDAYSBURG’S MICHAELPJACKSON at #1 JABROC JUNK JABBERS

JUNK JABBERS
Who Got Him Here
-Tony Romo (#2 ranked QB)
-Larry Fitzgerald (#7 ranked WR)
-Tony Gonzalez (#4 ranked TE)
Sasquatch Alert
-Santonio Holmes. If #10 can come back from his ankle injury, the Patriots have shown the last two weeks that they don’t care much to cover “decent” (Derrick Mason) to “terrible” (Greg Lewis) wide receivers. Holmes is considerably better than those guys.
Bajingo Alert
-Jesse Chatman. Facing off against a stout Buffalo defense playing their asses off this year, Chatman will struggle to get even half of the stupendously odd 20.5-point prediction by the beloved Hector & Victor.
Analysis
Rich has had to contend with the vicious venereal disease RBB (Reggie Bush’s Bullshit) all season. But the Simpson-slamming ways of Tony Romo have led the charge, combined with a major late-season surge by Gonzalez. Fitzgerald’s iffy status certainly harms the #1 team.


MICHAELPJACKSON
Who Got Him Here
-Tom Brady (#1 ranked QB and asshole)
-Vikings D (#1 ranked Defense)
Sasquatch Alert
Adrian Peterson. The other AP could find holes against a Redskins D that is tired and reliant more on defending the pass. Plus, there’s really no one else to choose. Oh, alright. Ronald Curry.
Bajingo Alert
Hines Ward. See above with Santanio Holmes. Holmes’ possible return could mean less passes coming Ward’s way.
Analysis
He took more shit than a fertilized corn field but still rallied into the final playoff spot. Adam’s surge hasn’t been a secret: Brady scores the major chunk of points and hope for inexplicable point production from sources like Desmond Clark or Isaac Bruce. With Brady around, as has been said all season, he has a puncher’s chance.

The Pick
While injuries could derail the Junk Jabbers season, the boys from Jabroc (is that in Tennessee?) simply have more viable, consistent scoring weapons than the MichaelPJackson. And Romo only averages 5 less points a game than Brady.
Junk Jabbers 132, MichaelPJackson 103.


#7 DEATH KNELL AT #2 LICENSE TO KIM JONG IL

KIM JONG IL
Who Got Him Here
-Peyton Manning (#5 ranked QB)
-Marion Barber III (#8 ranked RB)
-Reggie Wayne (#4 ranked WR)
Sasquatch Alert
-Ryan Grant. This unheralded running back managed to crack Green Bay’s atrocious 7-man rotation at tailback and has been a beast over the last six weeks. Facing a porous Oakland run defense and a dinged up Brett Favre means fantastic stuff for Mr. Grant.
Bajingo Alert
-Manning. Don’t sleep on the Baltimore Ravens D. The monster appeared to awaken this week against New England and they could be ornery still after the MNF debacle. Don’t be surprising if Manning struggles to throw more than two TDs against this unit.
Analysis
Jordache dealt for Manning and, honestly, it hasn’t been the windfall any of us expected. (Six points versus KC? Nineteen against San Diego?) His team was hovering around first before the trade and he won the weak Autobots division, but that could be more due to the collapse of Diz-eeZ-(insert name or word here)


DEATH KNELL
Who Got Him Here
-Brian Westbrook (#1 ranked RB)
-Earnest Graham (#12 ranked RB)
-Terrell Owens (#2 ranked WR and ass lesion)
Sasquatch Alert
-Owens. The Lions D is just puzzling. And the way Martz calls passing plays, expect a lot of punts and turnovers going Dallas’ way. No one can cover Owens on that team.
Bajingo Alert
-Kurt Warner. The Arizona Cardinals on the road is always a dangerous proposition (except when it’s in Philadelphia). And playing a Seahawks passing D that has allowed less than a dozen passing TDs all year in a harsh, nasty-weather environment is troubling. Oh, and Anquan Boldin and Larry Fitzgerald are likely out.
Analysis
Since the historic name change, Craig has been barnstorming the league and took a firm grasp of the #7 playoff spot. Westbrook has been sensational and Craig has also received timely contributions from Bobby Engram and Jamal Lewis.

The Pick
While having a very solid season, Jordan’s playoff seeding is right out of the NBA’s goofy rules. This matchup truly hinges on the quarterbacks. Which one will perform better and avoid costly turnovers and low yardage output? It’s a gut feeling here … and a mild upset.
Death Knell 137, Kim Jong Il 132


#6 OPTIMUS PRYMEZ’ DIZ-EEZ NUTZ!!! AT #3 THE CANADIAN CRIPPLERS

CRIPPLERS
Who Got Him Here
-Randy Moss (#1 ranked WR)
-Willis McGahee (#5 ranked RB)
Sasquatch Alert
-Marques Colston. Saints play the Falcons. That’s as far as I’ll go.
Bajingo Alert
-Willie Parker. Though ranked fairly well (#11 RB), Parker has found the end zone twice (week 2 and week 8) and faces the always difficult Patriots defense.
Analysis
Shawn ripped off a series of wins in the early part of the league, but a two-game losing steak cost him the top seed. Moss has been a shining star among some semi-turds. Lack of consistent QB play (he’s started half a dozen different guys this year) has hurt, but the big-play potential is there with Shockey and Colston and McGahee.


DIZ-EEZ NUTZ!!!
Who Got Him Here
-Nick Folk (#1 ranked Kicker)
-Steelers Defense (#4 ranked Defense)
-Matt Hasselbeck (#9 ranked QB)
Sasquatch Alert
Maurice Jones-Drew. The Jaguars play the Panthers this weekend and you can expect huge numbers from the guys in the weird black uniforms with the yellow splotch on their helmet.
Bajingo Alert
Steelers D. They face New England. Could be ugly. Or could be a bounty. Who knows at this point?
Analysis
Steelers D and Nick Folk… We’ve been saying it all year and it’s what’s been happening all year: Those two entities have kept Diz-eeZ NutZ!!! in the winners category – until of late. A three-game losing streak is never good entering the playoffs. However, Aaron’s roster moves, including picking up Roddy White, who received some sort of voodoo boost and leapt into the top-20 list of WRs somehow, have been solid to make up for a fairly lame draft.

The Pick
This will probably be the tightest contest of the four playoff games. Hasselbeck has been on fire, Torry Holt has come out of the doldrums and MJD has a terrific matchup. Then again, so does Colston and David Garrard will be tossing the skin against that Carolina D as well. Then there’s a guy named Moss on the Cripplers sideline as well. This game hinges on the Steelers’ performance against New England, plain and simple.
Cripplers 117, Diz-eeZ NutZ!!! 99


#5 HAWAII MCLOVIN AT #4 CHICAGO BEAR GRYLLS

GRYLLS
Who Got Him Here
-Adrian Peterson (#3 ranked RB)
-LaDainian Tomlinson (#2 ranked RB)
-Braylon Edwards (#3 ranked WR)
Sasquatch Alert
Adrian Peterson. He butts heads with a San Franciso team that smells worse than Deewaan’s college dates.
Bajingo Alert
Kevin Walter. He gets docked points just for his mugshot. But seriously, he’s up against a difficult Tampa Bay cover-two defense.
Analysis
No other team in this fantasy league had seven of nine starters ranking in the top 10 at their position, as of this writing. How is it possible that the Bear Grylls aren’t better than a 5-loss team then? Carson Palmer, while ranking seventh among QBs has been inconsistent at best and his stats are clouded by his 55-point outburst in week 2. However, the running backs are unstoppable. If Tomlinson can keep the momentum, well, it’s el-stinko for whoever faces Jon.


MCLOVIN
Who Got Him Here
-TJ Houshmanzadeh (#5 ranked WR)
-Clinton Portis (#7 ranked RB)
Sasquatch Alert
Andre Johnson. OK, so I’ll contradict myself from earlier. Yes, Johnson is against Tampa. But he has come out on fire from the missed time due to injury. He’s hot and he’ll stay hot.
Bajingo Alert
Justin Fargas. Green Bay is likely pissed about the Thursday game. And this contest is at Lambeau. Don’t expect too much yardage from Fargas, who was a shrewd pickup (I should know; had him on my roster)
Analysis
The Housh and Chad Johnson show has kept Paul in the upper echelon of the league. Up-and-down QB play (boy, there’s a real theme in the league this year!) has detracted from his success. But overcoming the loss of Larry Johnson, a top-three pick, has been impressive.

The Pick
The running back combo platter of AD and LDT is just vicious. I’m talking major diarrhea for the digestive system. Those two have favorable matchups, as does Edwards. Jason Campbell and Portis are gonna struggle against the Bears D.
Bear Grylls 139, McLovin 110

Movie Review: Apocalypto!

Starring Maurice Jones-Drew as Jaguar Paw.

Tonight you get a twofer, which means you'll also read my reaction to the movie Apocalypto, brought to you by Starz! On Demand. The HEAVY plot discussion below means I must now provide a **Spoiler Warning**

Overall I loved this movie. It had wilderness survival, which is why I love Man Vs. Wild. It had gruesome over the top blood spurting deaths, which is why I love Dawn Of The Dead. It had historical significance, which is why I love Saving Private Ryan.

For the first 125 minutes of this 130 minute film, this movie is rocking the shit. It tells a cool little backstory of the protagonist and his tribe, showing you how quaintly, yet viciously, they live. Then all of the sudden, people who look exactly like the guys you're supposed to be cheering for show up and burn shit down and start lopping off heads. The next hour is a brutal trip into the life of a hostage ultimately being led to the slaughter. When they arrive at their destination, a giant Mayan temple, they are lined up for a human sacrifice. The main character, Jaguar Paw, is about to get the axe when all of the sudden, a solar eclipse happens!!

I think to myself..."HA!! That's neat! I know that I've heard tales of ancient tribes being completely confounded at the workings of eclipses! What a clever way for our hero to escape certain death!". Such a gimmick works (READ THIS CAREFULLY, MOVIE EXECS) one time and one time only in a film. After that, it's stupid.

The next hour or so is basically a glorified snuff film, as we follow Jaguar Paw through the jungle as savages hunt him down. They can't catch him, he kills them off one by one, blah blah blah, you've seen this in every movie ever made starring a WWE wrestler. But anyway, it's at least compelling how they did it. It's one thing to watch the main character shoot his pursuers with an AK47, it's a totally different experience watching him off them with poisoned toads, boar traps, and panther maulings. Very cool stuff.

So now we're down to just Jaguar Paw and two dudes chasing him. He makes it to the shore and it looks like he's out of gas. His captors get ready to do him in, but what happens??? THE EFFING SPANIARDS SHOW UP.

I'll repeat this, since it's stupidity cannot possibly be understated.

THE SPANISH CHOOSE THE SECOND MOST CLIMACTIC MOMENT IN THIS YOUNG MAN'S LIFE TO DISCOVER THE NEW WORLD. PLEASE KEEP IN MIND THAT THE MOST CLIMACTIC MOMENT IN THIS YOUNG MAN'S LIFE HAPPENED JUST HOURS EARLIER, WHEN A SOLAR ECLIPSE WAS THE ONLY REASON HE WAS SPARED FROM CERTAIN DEATH.

Now, a quick Wikipedia check says that total solar eclipses only happen on any one spot on earth approximately every 370 years. So not only did one of this guy's two closest encounters with death happen on a precise minute out of a possible 194,472,000 (yes I just did that math), but the other one happened during the ONLY hour or so in human history that Europeans succesfully emigrated to the Yucatan Peninsula for the first time.

Lazy, lazy ending. Other than that, great movie. B+.

Week 13 Roundup: Hermies and Yukons

Let's be in-de-pen-dent together!!

As you may have noticed, the blog was not updated today in it's normal timeframe. There's a reason for this. I got transferred to our main office today, which means the days of blogging on somebody else's dime are over. Now I'm stuck in a myriad of cubicles, with dozens of eyes furtively darting to and fro, looking for the first sign of malfeasance, so that the proverbial whip may be cracked. There's a chance I might still be able to sneak in a quick posting during a lunch break, but most of my columns take a little longer to jot down.

This is a mixed bag. The bad news, to you the reader, is that no longer will you be able to check the page multiple times in a day and find a new lead story. The good news, to you the reader, is that now, most of my musings will be written at night, and since it's December, there's a 75% chance that I'm drinking bourbon and listening to Wolfmother (and if the column runs long, like it did tonight, the iTunes playlist spills into WuTang Clan). I like to think most of my decent writing happens when both of those things are happening. Anyway, to fully entertain yourself, I encourage you all to take full advantage of the comments feature and stir the pot a little bit. You can also send me guest posts, as I can cut and paste these when my cube-neighbors go grab a coffee. It will be thrilling for you to see your work on the WWW, and it will be fun for me to pull a guerilla blogging session at the office.

Anyway, you're here (most likely) for football news, and so I'll cut to the chase. There was a full slate of NFL action this week: some good (Browns-Cards); some atrocious (Bears-Jints). Let's peek around the league and see who deserves one of our two titles this week.

HERMIE THE DENTISTS

I watched Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer on CBS tonight, and I couldn't help but notice that Hermie has to be one of the biggest Bajingos in television history. This guy was as close to a butt pirate as you could get away with in 1964. His hair was always perfectly coiffed, he spoke with a distinct lisp (I don't like making toyth!), and he wanted to be a dentist. Probably to see the inside of dudes' throats. Anyway, if our fantasy landscape were Rudolph, the shittiest of the bunch would be represented by Gay Hermie.

1. Wes Welker!!! - I'll be honest, I dozed off at halftime of last night's MNF contest (damn you, Yuengling variety pack!!!). And apparently I missed a doozy. But one thing I didn't miss was actual production from The Great White Hope. Welker was quiet to the tune of 3 catches for 18 yards, only a week after catching seemingly every pass attempted against the Eagles D.

2. Kevin Jones - If you're a running back, and you make it into somebody's starting lineup, and then "produce" only 3 carries for 1 yard, well then, that would make you a giant swollen Bajingo.

3. Packers D/ST - Negative 3 points. Instant Bajingo.

4. Brett Favre - I know, he was hurt. But it's not like he was lighting Dallas up at the time. In fact, he was stinking up the joint to the tune of 5/14, 56 yards and 2 Ints. If there's any consolation for Shelby, it's that the rest of his team played like complete Hobo Ass this weekend too, and he probably wouldn't have made the playoffs even if Favre had tossed 5 touchdowns.

5. Rich Ely - Pardon me for raising my voice at the number 1 seed in our playoff bracket. But HOW IN GOD'S GREEN EARTH HAVE YOU MADE 23 TRANSACTIONS, AND NOT ONE OF THEM INVOLVED CUTTING TERRY GLENN?! You know, you deserved to lose yesterday after starting an injured Larry Fitzgerald. A quick scan of your bench showed Andre Davis, Santana Moss, and Mr. 0 games played, 0 catches, 0 yards, 0 TDs Himself! Why is this man still on a roster, Rich? Why?

YUKON CORNELIUSES

In the same movie as I mentioned above, the choices for most asskicking character are few and far between. The obvious choice to replace "Sasquatches" this week would be The Abominable Snow Monster, who is, well...a Sasquatch. However, something about Abominable just doesn't click in this film. For one, he's entirely too clumsy. Secondly, he's one of those lame villians who has the good guys trapped for hours but just won't kill them. And thirdly, he's a giant shrieking pussy once he gets his teeth taken out. So what if you can't chew!? It will hurt Rudolph even more if you gum him to death. Maybe step on him a few times or whip him against the side of a cave to shatter his bones and he'll go down easier. Stop being a little bitch.

Anyway, the real hero in this movie is Yukon Cornelius, who not only roams the North Pole looking for gold and silver, but does so with a sleigh driven by approximately 4 puppies. These dogs aren't even full grown, and here they are, carrying a grown man, an elf, and a deer across the snow banks. It's awesome. And so is Yukon. And so are our next five names.

1. The Ding-Dong Danglers! - It's unfortunate that this team is Consolation Ladder bound. Delaware was the highest scoring tribe this week, and the way they're playing, could have caused some real trouble for a top seed in the playoffs this week.

2. Willis McGahee - Willis had his best game of the season against the best team ever to play any organized sport ever. That's pretty impressive. McGahee carried 30 times for 138 yards and a score. The touchdown was his 7th in as many games, which is strange considering he didn't have a rushing TD in his first five games.

3. Peyton and Reggie - I swear my Comcast box must have a V-Chip that blocks any highlights from any game involving the Jacksonville Jaguars. I didn't see a single snap of this game, but apparently Peyton Manning and Reggie Wayne both had a monstronomous (new word) game against JVille this weekend, combining for 61 points.

4. LaAdrainian Petomlinerson - My two headed mutant backfield combined to be the most potent duo in the league last week. Adrian's healthy, LT (and the Chargers for that matter) appears to be back in form, and I'm ready for a Champeenship run.

5. AD - No, not All Day Peterson, but Adam Davis. Our league hasn't had a member be the target of so much humor since Shelby's spare skin, but Adam is the one laughing now. Kudos to him for keeping Brady over Manning and making the playoffs. The only negative I can think of is that at next year's draft, everybody's going to go with the two-quarterbacks-in-the-first-two-rounds theory, and I'll be stuck scraping the bottom of the barrel and have to trot out Chris Redman as my Week 1 starter.

Be sure to join us next week for a very special Playoff Edition of Bajingos and Sasquatches! And by "very special", I mean "probably less names on each list since there's fewer teams playing important games in our league"!!!

MMSY: 12/3/07

Glory days...
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5 Things I Think I Thought That Were

1. American Gangster was a terrific flick; caught it over the weekend. The acting was great and all, but the portrayal of Russell Crowe’s wallet stole the show. I mean that thing was CRAMMED into his jeans pocket. Jeez.

2. Wouldn’t it be nice for Joe to take the Alamo Bowl as an opportunity to ride off into the sunset? We’ll likely win that game in a thrilling 13-10 affair. We now know Joe’s salary. And we know it’s increasingly difficult for him to coach in big-game situations. It’s been a great 75 years at PSU, but it may be time to hand off the reins. WHO AM I KIDDING

3. I’d like to know Jordan take on AJ Feeley’s performance yesterday. Granted, I did not see any of the game, nor a single highlight because of my attendance at the Cards/Browns game (c’mon, Winslow HAD to have been pushed out of bounds at the end). But reading recaps and seeing the eye-popping 7 interceptions in two games has me wondering if all the cat callers aiming their venom at McNabb are rethinking their position at all? Feeley’s on par for a Doug Pederson-esque performance. Perhaps even Mike McMahon levels! Maybe, just maybe, this entire Eagles team is garbage disguised as a playoff contender. How else to explain the up-and-down nature of this squad this year?

4. A big pat on the back is in order for Big Brother Davis. Through all the ridicule of his drafting strategy, The Trade, and the massive losing streak at the beginning of the year, he stayed steadfast and now is on the cusp of the playoffs. A salute to you, my friend, from the toilet bowl known as “Not in da playoffs.”
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5. Good luck to all in the playoffs. I wish you the best in crashing and burning. Each and every one of you.

I Think I Think I Think....

THAT YOUR ASS IS HEADED TO THE CONSOLATION LADDER!!!

Bear Grylls takes no prisoners.

Week 12 Power Rankings: Endgame

Will Shawn be able to reclaim the #1 seed that rightfully belongs to him? The good people of Iran certainly hope so.

Well, kiddos, this is it. The last power rankings where I'll subjectively categorize you as good, terrible, or some mutant hybrid of both. Because after this week's games, the playoff seeds are set. The results speak for themselves. Next week we'll take a peek back at my original projections, and I'll see how I did at predicting the future. But for this one last glorious week, I bring out my "Pin The Ranking On The Donkey" game and assign you all a number that defines your worth in my eyes.

1. Rich (9-3, W4, Previous #2)
In the closest horse race of the season, Rich has established himself as the best team in the league. Most of this has to do with Tony Romo, who was been lights out all season, and provides consistently solid numbers at QB. Romo has also put Rich in an excellent position to win this week, but that's irrelevant for this discussion.

2. Shawn (9-3, L1, Previous #1)
It would be tragic if Shawn fell to #3 after his late-season stranglehold on the #1 spot. Shawn's best hope this week is that Willie Parker runs roughshod over the Bengals defense, allowing him to get past Rich and stay on top. Randy Moss will likely look to get back in the spotlight after a ho-hum game last week against Philadelphia.

3. Slimmy (8-4, L1, Previous #3)
Say what you will about Slims (and most of us already have done more than our fair share of that), but I give him major props for being smarter than Norv Turner and benching Pip Rivers. Slimmy rides the emotional roller coaster known as Clinton Portis into the playoffs. Will Portis go into Incredible Hulk mode and explode for 500 yards and 10 touchdowns? Or will he be distraught at the loss of one of his closest friends?

4. Hefty (7-5, W1, Previous #4)
There are not enough exclamation points in this world to show how happy I am that Adrian Peterson is playing this week. Even if he shares the load with Chester Taylor, he's way better than Julius Jones (understatement of the decade), and I feel like I actually have a shot to win this thing with him healthy. I also like the fact that if I make it to the Championship, Carson Palmer plays the Browns again.

5. Jordan (7-5, W2, Previous #6)
Peyton hasn't been Peyton this year, but he's still good enough to start every week no questions asked. Jordan is riding two hot hands at running back in Marion Barber and Ryan Grant into the playoffs and frankly, I'd be terrified if I had to play him Round 1 of the playoffs.

6. Aaron (7-5, L2, Previous #5)
I said the same thing a few weeks ago, but this team has too much talent on the bench and not enough star power in the starting lineup. A more aggressive trade strategy seems like it would have paid large dividends for the Lymez Nutz. I see a brief, uneventful one-and-done for A-Rep.

7. Craig (5-7, L1, Previous #7)
I am astonished to learn that Jamal Lewis is 6th among all running backs in scoring. There's no way I could have guessed that. Lucky for Craig, Cleveland has one of the easiest schedules in the league over the next 3 weeks. Next year, somebody remind me to only draft players from teams who finished in last place the year before. By the by, there's a feature in SI about the Browns being winners all of the sudden that I'm really excited to read. It's official, I'm on this Browns bandwagon.

8. Shelby (5-7, L2, Previous #8)
I hope Shelby does make the playoffs, for the sole reason that his QBs are Brett Favre and Marc Bulger and they both might not play next week. Seeing Shelby panic-sign a guy like Kellen Clemens will be awesome.

9. Mike (5-7, W1, Previous #10)
He's got the Derek Anderson thing going for him, which is a major plus. Unfortunately, I think he'll be on the outside looking in after I shellack him this weekend. I do fully endorse my co-columnist in the Consolation Ladder tournament, however.

10. Adam (5-7, W3, Previous #9)
Ouch. Dude rips off a three game win streak and I bump him down a spot. Adam's receivers are still dreck at this point in the season, which hurts his chances of making a deep run. For the most part though, Adam's season hinges on both Adrian Petersons. If one of them plays well, Chester Taylor will be back on the bench, and if the other one can't handle a starting role, then Adam's goose is cooked.

11. Deewaan (4-8, W1, Previous #11)
Actually, I don't hope Shelby makes the playoffs. I hope Deewaan makes the playoffs. May Steve Smith unleash the lightning this week for you, good sir.

12. Melvin (1-11, L9, Previous #12)
I'm glad this is the team that Eli Manning plays for. It makes me imagine the Giants being 1-11 and ballistic New Yorkers throwing hot soup or feces on him as he walks down the street.

Good luck to everyone in the final week!!

Your Quarterly Kal Penn Update: November Edition

"I should want to cook him a simple meal, but I shouldn't want to cut into him, to tear the flesh, to wear the flesh, to be born unto new worlds where his flesh becomes my key."

OK, I know you guys have been patiently waiting for the next update on the future of Kal. Here's what we've got so far. The first half of Season 4 of House wrapped on Tuesday Night, meaning that new episodes won't be on until January/February. That truly does suck. In case you weren't aware, House narrowed a field of candidates down from 40-some until he handpicked his new team of three doctors. Well, the hot chick made it, the plastic surgeon guy made it, and I'm thrilled to report that Kal also made it through. What this means is that from now on, Kuuuumar will be on every new House episode and they won't toy with my heartstrings by pretending to fire him like they did every damn week this fall.

A quick look at Kal's IMDB page shows that "Harold and Kumar Escape From Guantanamo Bay" has already been filmed, and is due to release April 25.
Kal also is working on a TV show called "Two Sisters" with Margaret Cho that will probably be so awful that they only air it in Guantanamo.
His other current project is a comedy called "Under New Management". IMDB describes the plotline thusly: "Two co-workers send their boss on a sex cruise and then turn office into party central, causing profits to soar in the process." They left out the phrase "Hilarity Ensues.", but that seems to be a virtual certainty.

All in all, it's a grand time to be the Charter Member of the KPFC (Kal Penn Fan Club, duh). In more personal news, I've convinced Ang that if we have twin boys we can name one of them Kal. I don't imagine she'll have any problem going with Penn as the middle name.
As a final note, if any of you have seen Van Wilder 2: The Rise of Taj, please let me know if it's worth the 4 bucks to go rent it. I've tried to TiVo it but I can't find it on cable.

Week 12 Chumleys: The Slim-leys!!!

So afraid to attempt a witty caption...

It's crunchtime for the Chumley race. Romo and Moss are your clubhouse leaders at 4 a piece, with only two more weeks of awards. Let's take a peek around the Westside FFL landscape and see who's peaking at the right time.

Game 1: Bisbee def. Death Knell - And the Chumley goes to...
Antonio Gates, TE, SD - I chose Gates over Kolby Smith because Gates straight up killed the Ravens, and Kolby Smith is a flash in the pan. As an LT owner, I become extremely aroused whenever I see the score change in Chargers games. However, all I got this week was a couple lousy Phillip Rivers TD passes, two of which went to Gates. Antonio, who was already the best TE in fantasy, had his best game of the season with 6 catches, 105 yards and 2 TDs.

Game 2: Chicago def. Larry Craig - And the Chumley goes to...
Wes Welker, WR, NE - Welker gets the nod here for erasing an eight point deficit in my matchup against Melvin heading into the Sunday Night Football game. In essence, Welker has become New England's best running back, getting multiple grabs on short passes out of multiple receiver sets, while Laurence Maroney stews on the sidelines wondering why he's even wearing a cup.

Game 3: Jabroc def. Lymez - And the Chumley goes to...
Larry Fitzgerald, WR, Ari - Larry hauled in 9 passes for 156 yards and 2 touchdowns against the 49ers on Sunday. Fitzgerald might be the most reliable receiver of the season to this point. He's posted double digit points in 7 of his last 8 games. Up next for Larry is the Cleveland Browns, and Rich will need the points as he goes up against Shawn for the #1 seed in the playoffs.

Game 4: MikeJax def. Cripplers - And the Chumley goes to...
Vikings, D/ST, Min - I already talked about the Vikings yesterday, so here's a good spot for a mini-rant. Do you know how frustrating it is watching Devin Hester run back kick after kick and not get any points for it?! Riddle me this, assclown, how is a blocked punt a scorable play, and not a punt return touchdown? The same 11 players are on the field for both events, so don't give me this "defense vs. special teams" balogna. The players don't become a special team once the punt is in the air. They're special teams from the second they line up on the field. And in other news, only one of those two events actually changes the score of the real game! Which one?! THE TOUCHDOWN!!! This is unequivocably the dumbest thing I've ever heard of. If Devin Hester only knew...

Game 5: Delaware def. Hawaii - And the Chumley goes to...
Drew Brees, QB, NO - True story...one time in college, me and Deewaan drank like 40 brees and we couldn't feel our faces.

Game 6: N. Korea def. The Patent Office - And the Chumley goes to...
Kellen Winslow II, TE, Cle - OK, I admit it, I've got a soft spot for tight ends. (That's what she said!!!) But it's hard not to reward a tight end with the most illustrious prize in fantasy football when he catches 10 passes for 107 yards and a TD. Several of Jordan's players scored slightly higher than Winslow, but K2 gets the nod. As a sidenote, anybody tired of hearing him referred to as "Kellen Winslow Jr"? Uh, yeah, we get that it's not actually his dad playing. Thanks for clearing that up, Gus Johnson.

As a final note, after listening to Verne Lundquist during the LSU-Arky game and then Gus Johnson during Texans-Browns, I am ready for some college basketball! Good thing the Eagles won't make the playoffs, that will give me more time to watch hoops. Especially my boy OJ Mayo, averaging 22 ppg, and Walbsy's boy, Eric Gordon, averaging 27.3.

Place Your Bets!!!

The Stratosphere - Las Vegas's Second Least Illustrious Resort!

As was detailed in today's e-mail session, there are still five teams fighting for a playoff spot. The only problem is, only two teams can claim them. You're probably still wondering who's got the upper hand in this thing, and luckily for you, my second cousin dates this chick whose brother works with a girl who's married to the head oddsmaker at the Stratosphere in Vegas. So needless to say, I got my hands on an advance copy of the odds this week. Let's see just how this race shakes out.

DEATH KNELL - (5-7, Current Points Leader, vs. Larry Craig Fritzes [1-11])
Odds Of Reaching Playoffs - 1:2
The Commish essentially needs to beat the worst team in the league to clinch a spot. Shouldn't be that difficult. Better yet, Kurt Warner plays the Browns, essentially assuring him of a 600 yard passing day. Pack your bags for the playoffs, Mr. Fritz. Amazing turnaround by a team that many (OK, just me) claimed were dead in the water just a few short weeks ago.

BISBEE BALL MAULERS - (5-7, 14.8 points back, vs. Chicago Bear Grylls [7-5])
Odds Of Reaching Playoffs - 3:1
The last time Bisbee and Chicago met up, Bear Grylls prevailed by an 82 point margin. Bisbee will be looking to even the season series, but it will be tough. CBG's superduperstar running back Adrian Peterson looks to return to action, and even better, he'll be doing it against the Detroit Lions. The matchups are generally favorable for the Maulers this week, but the star power here is not what it once was.

POCKET T-BAGS - (5-7, 43.1 points back, vs. Delaware Ding Dong Danglers [4-8])
Odds Of Reaching Playoffs - 3:2
Now things start getting interesting. If Bisbee loses, the path is clear for the T-Bags. Win, and they likely make it in as the #8 seed. If Bisbee wins, the T-Bags will need to put up 28.4 points more than the Maulers. Sounds simple, right? Actually, it might be. Shelby has two horses in the Dallas-Green Bay Thursday Night game, which this analyst projects to be a fireworks show. Expect plenty of scoring, and having the Brett Favre to Donald Driver combo might just be Shelby's meal ticket in this one.

HOLIDAYSBURGS MPJs - (5-7, 69.6 points back, vs. Lymez Dizeez Nutz [7-5])
Odds Of Reaching Playoffs - 5:1
Adam will need some teams to lose to make it to the playoffs. There are some crummy matchups on his team, and I'm not even sure Adam knows who he's starting at RB2 this weekend. Cedric Benson is done for the year and Brandon Jacobs is hurt as well. Chester Taylor's not even a great play this week as all signs point to him taking a back seat to Peterson once again. Tom Brady, aka The Suitcase Nuke, is a possibility to singlehandedly carry Adam to a victory once again, but he travels to Baltimore this weekend. Personally, I think the Ravens might be the worst team in football, but from time to time their defense can click and shut opposing offenses down. Adam has to have a lot of things go right to make an appearance in Week 14.

DELAWARE DING-DONG DANGLERS - (4-8, 99.7 points back, vs. Pocket T-Bags [5-7])
Odds Of Reaching Playoffs - 25:1
Please allow me to slip into Tony Kornheiser mode.
IF...
-Drew Brees can pretend it's 2006...
-Steve Smith can play a game where he actually remembers that he's Steve Smith...
-Plaxico Burress can stretch the Bears defense for two deep touchdowns on a permanently gimpy ankle...
-Chris Cooley can play the most emotionally charged football of his life...
-Reggie Brown can convince Andy Reid to start AJ Feeley...
-Steven Jackson can play with a quarterback who can actually handle snaps at the goal line...
-The Panthers D can whitewash the 49ers...
-Jeff Wilkins can nail two or more 50 yarders...
-LenDale White can score one touchdown for every Krispy Kreme donut he eats on Sunday...
-Three other 5-8 teams blow a win-and-you're-in...
...Then Ladies And Gentlemen, the Dong Danglers are playoff bound!

Good luck to all the playoff contenders this weekend, with the exception of Mike.

Week 12 Round Up: Bajingos and Sasquatches

Sean Taylor, although far from my favorite player, sure did put a lickin' on some Cowboys.

Well, this feature's got one more week of life left in it. When the playoffs start up, I reckon I'll be firing up a brand new recap feature to clue you in on the real happenings of the NFL Fantasy scene. With that in mind, let's break down our second-to-last sets of Bajingos and Sasquatches.

BAJINGOS

1. Arizona D, Tennessee D, Detroit D - The Cardinals and Titans both redefined defensive suckitude this week, as each put up a saucy negative 2 points. The Lions outdid them with negative 3! Very nice. Speaking of Tennessee, my free Titans windbreaker finally arrived as my gift for subscribing to Sports Illustrated. You know how you know I'm gay? I ordered a Titans windbreaker because I like their colors.

2. Lee Evans - Evans was held to 2 catches for 19 yards after looking like he had finally turned the corner this season. Word out of Buffalo is that the Bills will take one more ride on the quarterback carousel, with Trent Edwards starting next week. Nothing like switching QBs every two weeks to help build continuity among an offense.

3. Clinton Portis - Portis had a decent game overall, piling up 101 total yards on 20 carries and 5 catches. However, he also lost two fumbles in a turnoverfest down in Tampa.

4. LenDale White - The USC Thug put up 3.2 points against the NFL's worst defense. Enough said.

5. Pretty Much Everybody Who Played Last Night, But Especially Heath Miller - 0 catches, 0 yards, 0 vicious tackles on Joey Porter after his interception. J-Peezy got off easy, as Big Ben was the one who wrassled him to the mud-drenched turf.

.
SASQUATCHES

1. Kurt Warner - Game-ending/suicide-pool-destroying fumble or not, 484 yards is 484 yards. Curious statline for Tim Rattay in this game though, who came in for 1 pass, tossed a touchdown, and got out of dodge. A closer look at his stats shows that this has actually been the case in 3 of the past 5 games.

2. Kolby Smith - Herm Edwards does not baby his running backs. A year after feeding Larry Johnson an NFL record number of carries, the Chiefs, who are quickly running out of fresh bodies to run the ball, gave rookie Kolby Smith the rock 31 times. He responded with 150 yards and 2 touchdowns.

3. Vikings D - Anybody who can make Eli Manning look like he's just pissed himself is a winner in my book. The Vikings set an NFL record by taking three of Manning's throws back the other way for touchdowns.

4. Brett Favre - Watching Packers/Lions helped ease the pain in my bloated gut after a Thanksgiving Day feast. Favre was surgical on Sunday, completing 20 straight passes, despite the fact that the Packers refused to run the ball during that period to take some of the load off Favre. I dislike Favre, but he definitely displayed some big time accuracy and the dude still has a cannon at age 38. Favre finished with 381 yards and 3 TDs.

5. Chad Johnson - Another guy I'm growing to dislike is Chad Johnson. Once upon a time, when I owned him in my keeper league, Chad was my favorite non-Eagle in the league, with his jaw-dropping catches and zany celebrations. Now, he's starting to become the Paris Hilton of the NFL. He doesn't do all that much anymore, and yet, the camera refuses to look away. Well, for once, Chad had a great game, hauling in 12 catches for 103 yards and 3 scores.

Your First Place Junk Jabbers

So it took 12 long weeks, but Rich is finally on top.

To celebrate, here's a video of Japanese women learning some helpful phrases for their next visit to America. (I stole this from Withleather.com)

Week 12 Photo Finishes: Late Night Munchies Edition

Good to have you back, you mellow weirdo.

Well, the Worldwide Leader got some good news. You see, when you put a 0-10 team on MNF, people tend to watch other programming, like say "Dancing With The Stars" or "Chuck". But when one of the most polarizing NFL figures of all time returns to that 0-10 team, and will apparently start for that 0-10 team? Well, now you've got gripping television, my friend.
In my honest opinion, I don't expect Ricky to make anybody think it's 2002 again. He's got to be out of shape at this point after time away from the game. But I must say it's nice to have a strange dude like Ricky back in the NFL discussion. I'm finding myself missing Mikey Vick already.

But, several of you won't be watching for Ricky. You'll be watching for your fantasy teams, you greedy little piggies. Well, let's see who'll be smoking a victory blunt tonight, and who'll be hitting the bong to ease the pain of defeat.

Game 1: Rich (26.8 point lead) vs. Aaron (Steelers D)
You know the old saying. Any time you have a two-time-Chumley-Award-winning defense playing, you've still got a chance. The Steelers D probably should be able to cover this gap for Aaron. Ricky fumbles for a defensive touchdown, CleoJohn LemonBeck throws a pick-six, the defense gives up three points...this could definitely happen. I'll go out on my longest limb of the season and say Aaron wins by 0.2 points on a defensive gem by Steeltown.

Game 2: Deewaan (22.2 point lead) vs. The Team Without A GM (Heath Miller)
Miller might grab a touchdown, but he shouldn't get anywhere close to 22.2 points. I'll say he puts up a quiet 40-yardish day. Dave hangs on.

Game 3: Adam (Hines Ward, 34 point lead) vs. Shawn (Willie Parker)
Although I think Pittsburgh will work the ground game heavily (especially after halftime), Parker hasn't had a game bigger than 22 points all season. I could see him getting up around 25, but that still won't be enough to overtake Adam. Adam wins and everybody is officially on notice that Tom Brady will be playing fantasy playoff football.

Photo Essay: "Why You Should Never Take The Arizona Cardinals In A Survivor Pool"

Dude...

DUDE!!!

DUUUUUUUUUUUUDE!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Dude.

MMSY: 11/26/07

"Hmmm. Just HOW quick is Wes Welker? Please share, Sir Madden. Also, would you like to tinkle in my pot?"

5 Things I Think I Thought That Were

1. I think that I truly thank the Eagles, not only for really taking it, tooth and nail, to the Patriots, but for also shutting up the broadcast team about this ridiculous "best team ever" garbage. Usually that kind of conversation is reserved until after a team wins a championship. I said it aloud right before Madden and Michaels, but my greatest hope is the Eagles showed the league how to defeat EVIL NEW ENGLAND by mimicking the Eagles' gameplan. I'd say I'd want Pittsburgh to mimic that gameplan, but then I'd have to also eat my own foot.

2. I think Frank TV was pretty amusing, but I can see where the bit gets old after awhile. He already exhausted his Madden, Charles Barkley (which is downright awesome), GW Bush, Clinton and the cast of Seinfeld (his Kramer voice was spot-on). Once Dr. Phil is trotted out, it might be time to cancel Caliendo's show.

3. I think John Madden and Al Michaels helped me discover that:
a. Wes Welker is quick. He's quicker than quick. He's quicky. Honestly, did anyone else pick up on the excessive use of the Q-word last night?
b. Someone can make worse jokes than me. Case in point: Michaels making some corny pun about "touchy... FEELEY" when relaying an anecdote about AJ Feeley. Yuck yuck.

4. I think Kolby Smith = shrewd.

5. I think that I'm dumbfounded by this weekend's message board activity. I admit that I started the fire, but the Santa Anna winds blew in on it and the next thing you know everyone's evacuating the fire-ravaged message board for the weekend. Is it safe to return? What the eff happened? I'm cold.

If I Lose To Melvin, I'm Drinking The Entire Bottle

Bottoms Up!!

Holiday weekends are great. Except when you use the added time off to research fantasy football stats and come to conclusions like "Matt Schaub is a MUCH better play than Carson Palmer this week!!!"

Kill me.

And also kill the little girl in the "Like a Hybrid Hybrid??" commercial. What a ghastly looking troll.