Grade the Trade: 9/27/07

Mike Walbert and Jon Hefty announce a 5 player trade. Bisbee will receive Marshawn Lynch and Jerry Porter, and will send Jerrious Norwood, Wes Welker, and Matt Schaub to Chicago.
Also, since I'm far too biased to properly write this segment of Grade the Trade, I now turn things over to our dearest and baldest friend, Mr. Jordan K Yingling.

GRADE THE TRADE: Look out people, the 4th trade of the season is on the table and it could be the highest profile trade ever, ever…
That’s right folks, the most valuable fantasy asset this league has seen since the Cardinals defense of ’03 is swapping squads. Matt Schaub could be just the spark needed to turn the Chicago Bear Grylls season around. Let’s hit the stat sheet and see what the Grylls gave up to land this fantasy gem and a few low profile players to boot.

Bisbee Ball Maulers receive:
Jerry Porter, OAK – WR
2007: 3 Gm, 4 Rec, 92 Yds, 59 Y/G, 23 Avg, 1 TD
2006: 4 Gm, 1 Rec, 19 Yds, 5 Y/G, 19 Avg, 1 TD
2005: 16 Gm, 76 Rec, 942 Yds, 31 Y/G, 12 Avg, 5 TD

Marshawn Lynch BUF – RB
2007: 3 Gm, 57 Att, 228 Yds, 76 Y/G, 4.0 Avg, 2 TD

MY TAKE - MAULERS: Marshawn Lynch has shown that he has some solid talent and that he may pan out to be a solid NFL running back. He’s managed to gain a respectable 4.0 yrds per carry and has found paydirt twice already this season. Even more impressive he’s shown this skill against Denver, Pittsburgh, and New England. Unfortunately for him, he plays on the Bills. Buffalo boosts the most unproductive offensive unit in football, producing an average of 8 pts/game thus far. I’m not saying they’re the worst team in football, I’m just saying that they’re not better than any team any of you might think is the worst team in football. More importantly with games against BALT, NYJ, CIN, MIA, and NE upcoming none of these numbers should increase anytime soon.
Jerry Porter? Let’s just say that when I saw a clip of him scoring a touchdown last week I honestly thought I was watching a 2004 Oakland Raiders season recap. I honestly thought Art Shell had barred from the league for life. I know analysts are saying this guy is poised to have a big 2007, but personally I’d rather go skinny dipping with my Grandma than have him, or any other Raider for that matter, on my team.

Chicago Bear Grylls receive:
Jerious Norwood, ATL – RB
2007: 3 Gm, 20 Att, 95 Yds, 32 Y/G, 4.8 Avg, 0 TD
2006: 14 Gm, 99 Att, 633 Yds, 45 Y/G, 6.4 Avg, 2 TD

Wes Welker, NE – WR
2007: 3 Gm, 20 Rec, 221 Yds, 74 Y/G, 11 Avg, 1 TD
2006: 16 Gm, 67 Rec, 687 Yds, 43 Y/G, 10 Avg, 1 TD
2005: 16 Gm, 29 Rec, 434 Yds, 27 Y/G, 15 Avg, 0 TD

Matt Schaub, HOU – QB
2007: 3 Gm, 100 QBRat, 76 Cmp%, 688 Yds, 4 TD, 3 Int
2006: 16 Gm, 71 QBRat, 67 Cmp%, 208 Yds, 1 TD, 2 Int
2005: 16 Gm, 98 QBRat, 52 Cmp%, 495 Yds, 4 TD, 0 Int

MY TAKE - GRYLLS: I’m not going to beat around the bush here… cause that would be disgusting, but Jerious Norwood is an absolute animal. I know he’s not a number one Running Back on his team, but neither should Warrick Dunn be. He’s shown glimpses of genius throughout last year and a few times already this year. I give the Falcons 1 – 2 more games before they realize they’re wasting their time starting Warrick Dunn every game and not giving this young talent the reps he needs to break out in this league. Unlike with Lynch and the Bills, Norwood and the Falcons should have some serious opportunities to put up some yards in the next few games as they face HOU, TENN, NYG, and NO. In limited action this season he’s averaging 4.8 yrds /rush, given the opportunity he could get back to his impressive 6.4 yrds /rush average from last season.
Wes Welker… do we really need to say more than he’s a receiver for the Patriots? No, not really… but what the hell. Tom Brady has shown a solid connection with Welker thus far and with the way the Patriots are playing right now this has no reason to change. Add to this the fact that the Patriots cheat regularly and Welker’s consistent performance should continue throughout the year.
Okay, Matt Schaub is mediocre at best and should consistently sit on the Grylls’ bench. He’s got years of experience sittin the bench so this really shouldn’t be a change for him.


OVERALL: All in all, I got to give a slight nod to the Chicago Bear Grylls with this trade. Yes, I’m mainly basing this on the fact that I’m 100% sure Jerry Porter will break the league rules on substance abuse before the end of the season (I’m talking about weed. Just look at him, he loves it.) With the injury to Deuce McAllister, Marshawn Lynch gives the Maulers a starting running back to immediately patch up a thin fantasy RB lineup.
For the Grylls, the addition of a skilled wideout playing for the most productive offensive unit in the game right now should immediately bolster an already solid fantasy WR corps. Add to that the upside that comes with Norwood and the opportunity to unload the Sex Canon that comes with Schaub and you got yourself a fantasy trade victory. THE END.

Oh yeah, I forgot to talk about what Jerry Porter adds to the Maulers. Ummmmm, besides a reason to watch Raiders games… A headache? No, the answer is nothing. He brings nothing. He’s a terd. THE END.

Me Lobe Yoy Long Time

The second best thing about Fall? All new Office episodes.

A quick off-topic post. The Office returns to the Thursday Night NBC lineup tonight, with a one-hour season premiere. I'm really excited. I've got all of Season 2 TiVo'd or transfered over to DVD by now, but I've been jonesing for some new material. Lucky for us, starting at 9:00 pm tonight, the Dunder Mifflin gang is back. Hopefully we get some closure on the Jim/Pam/Karen triangle...hopefully Kelly talks Ryan into keeping up with the long-distance romance...hopefully we get to see some more of Todd Packer (Champ Kind from Anchorman). Good stuff.

Secondary off-topic point: What demographic is the show 'Chuck' aimed at? I mean, is there any age bracket that would appeal to? Kids, no. Women, definitely no. Older guys, possibly, just to leer at the chick. Guys our age, I can't speak for the rest of you, but I'm a 100% no. So who greenlights this thing? We get it: the guy works at Nerd Herd (not Geek Squad...), and he unwillingly fights crime with a hottie secret agent! The commercial tells you everything you need to know. There's no surprises, so unless the jokes are hilarious, what's the point here? I would stop talking about it, but every time I watch Sunday Night Football, they beat me over the head with this nonsense, and I know it will be cancelled in four weeks.
Runner-Up to be cancelled immediately: 'The Big Bang Theory' on CBS. Two nerds try to bang a hottie. Hilarity supposedly ensues. Or not.
Honorable Mention to be cancelled immediately: 'K-Ville' on FOX. Black cop and white cop (gee, that's groundbreaking) fight crime in post-Katrina Nawlins. Expect racial tension and Cajun drug lords. I liked this idea better when it starred Clancy and Ralph Wiggum (Look, Big Daddy, it's regular Daddy!).

Week 3 Power Rankings: The Fall of The A.P.T.s

So far this season, Slimmy's been running through the league like he's got a plasma sword.

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It never fails. I brag last week about how Aaron and I were 2-0, and now we're 2-1. I'm sorry about the temper tantrum. You guys can have your name back. Meanwhile, two young gentlemen DID improve to 3-0 this weekend, so it goes without saying that they'll be #1 and #2 in this week's edition of the Westside Village V Power Rankings.

1. Paul Davis (3-0, Previously #2) - Let's see. Best record, most points, and if he had a different last name, he'd be the proud owner of Peyton Manning.

2. Shawn Hussein (3-0, Previously #3) - Not piling up the points, per se, but managing to come away with a win three weeks in a row. Two-Time-Chumley award winner Randy Moss is the heart and soul of the team. Randy and the Patriots don't have a bye until Week 10. Will Shawn and the Pats both be 9-0 at that point?

3. Jon Hefty (2-1, Previously #1) - I threw out my shoulder patting myself on the back last week. I'm wondering what the hell Tomlinson is waiting for this season. All the reports I read say to relax; he'll be fine, he had a slow start last season, too. So let me get this straight...you don't play a single snap in preseason, and then you take 3 or 4 weeks of the regular season getting back into game shape. Well, I'm no genius, but it sounds like you might want to do that kind of thing when the games don't count. I know he doesn't want to get hurt, but maybe he's doing himself a disservice.

4. Craig Fritz (2-1, Previously #8) - Craig put a whoopin on me this week, but he's still below me on the power rankings? Why? Because it's my damn blog and I say I could still beat him 8 out of 10 games. Random thought here: at what point is it okay to start getting angry at your real-life favorite team for ruining your fantasy day, even though they're winning. Example: Brian Westbrook absolutely killed my chances of winning on Sunday. Is it okay that I start hoping for him to be tackled at the 1 yard line? I'm still rooting for the Eagles, just not Westbrook, right? I don't know. That's always been the gray area of fantasy sports.

5. Jordan Yingling (2-1, Previously #6) - Gets a slight bump in the rankings for picking up Manning. That just seems like the kind of move that gets a team from the playoff bubble to being a near-lock. I'm sure the number of Peyton Manning quarterbacked fantasy teams who make the playoffs is somewhere near 75%. It has to be.

6. Matt Melvin (1-2, Previously #10) - This is Ronnie Brown's world, and we're just living in it. Jason Witten has become an unstoppable beast at tight end. He's currently #2 in the tight end rankings, behind only Antonio Gates. Good steal from Rich.

7. Aaron Repucci (2-1, Previously #4) - Aaron, although 2-1, drops behind a 1-2 team. Why so harsh? Because Aaron's team has put up 110 fewer points on the season than Melvin, that's why. Is it too soon to call Maurice Jones-Drew a complete bust? Maybe, but we're definitely getting there.

8. Mike Walbert (1-2, Previously #5) - Mike got dealt the worst injury news of the fantasy season so far on Monday Night. Deuce is done for the year. Will he make a trade, sign a free-agent, or finally give Marcel Shipp the nod? Tune in and find out!!

9. Shelby Fidler (1-2, Previously #7) - Kevin Curtis and Brett Favre had some monster games for Shelby's squad last weekend. Too bad they were both riding the pine. A quick glance at Shelby's lineup this week says that they're both in there now. Might be a little too late, bud.

10. Rich Ely(1-2, Previously #11) - Rich begins his hobbit-like quest to regain his preseason #1 ranking. It will be a long road, but with Reggie Bush getting full-time duty, anything's possible I guess.

11. Dave Wanner (0-3, Previously #9) - The second worst injury news of the weekend had to be that Steven Jackson is out two or three weeks with some groin tearage. How does a groin tear feel? Let's ask MLB Slugger Ken Griffey Jr., an expert on such topics: "The best way I can describe it is that it feels like somebody bungee jumped off my right nut." Enjoy, Steven!!

12. Adam Davis (0-3, Previously #12) - Putting Adam at #12 every week is like picking the Special Ed kid last in kickball every gym class. Does it feel good doing it? Maybe at first, but not anymore. But does he deserve it? Yeah, yeah he does. Sorry, Special Ed Kickball Kid. You're twelfth again.

Handing Out Some Hardware: Week 3 Chumleys

For beating me, Craig's reward is his face on the prestigious Chumley.

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So Week 3 is now in the books and I'm proud to announce that this Chumley race is starting to show its first signs of life. Two of today's recipients have already won this coveted award, making them our first Two-Time-Chumley recipients. Who are they? Let's find out.
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Game 1: Craig def. Hefty - And the Chumley goes to...
Brian Westbrook, RB, Phi - If you watched the Eagles game this weekend, this one is obvious. Westbrook was clearly the most talented player on the field, rushing and receiving for 221 total yards. He also made three trips to the end zone. Unbelievable game after missing most of last week's practice. This is Brian's second Chumley award.
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Game 2: Rich def. Adam - And the Chumley goes to...
Reggie Bush, RB, NO - I put a little more emphasis on the players in Monday Night games. They feel more dramatic for fantasy purposes. Tony Romo put up better numbers, but Reggie Bush sealed the deal for Rich last night. As I predicted yesterday in 'Photo Finishes', Bush hit paydirt (twice) and propelled Rich to his first win of the season. Bush will now be getting the lion's share of the work in New Orleans after Deuce McAllister's knee injury, which is rumored to be a season ending ACL tear (sorry, Mike!).
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Game 3: Slims def. Shelby - And the Chumley goes to...
Philip Rivers, QB, SD - There were a couple worthy recipients on Paul's team, but Rivers put up 31.8 points as opposed to Shelby's quarterback, Marc Bulger, putting up -0.3. Rivers looks like he's finally developing into a trustworthy fantasy quarterback, putting up 5 passing touchdowns over the last two weeks against two solid defenses.

Game 4: Melvin def. Mike - And the Chumley goes to...
Ronnie Brown, RB, Mia - The big guy finally shows his potential with what is by far his best game as a pro. My take is that he's still too inconsistent to trust with a starting spot every week, but you certainly can't argue with a game like the one he had Sunday. Brown narrowly edges out McNabb because in my opinion, the Ronnie Brown stats were more WTF worthy.

Game 5: Shawn def. Aaron - And the Chumley goes to...
Randy Moss, WR, NE - Moss continues his assault on the AFC defensive backs with his third straight 100 yard game and second straight two touchdown game. He is currently the top ranked wide receiver in the game, but more importantly, he is now also a two-time Chumley award winner.

Game 6: Jordan def. Deewaan - And the Chumley goes to...
Marion Barber, RB, Dal - Barber picks up where he left off last season, which is making frequent trips to the end zone. He scored for the third straight game this season, and more importantly, for the first time all year, he got more carries than Julius Jones. Add in his first 100 yard rushing game of the season, and what's not to love here?

Congratulations to all our recipients, and keep posted for the updated Chumley Watch standings.

Week 3 Photo Finishes: Welcome to K-Ville!!

Reggie Bush will have to hang on to the ball for Rich to seal the deal tonight.

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Only two games remain close heading into Monday Night action. Sure, Vince Young could potentially throw 15 interceptions and allow me squeak by Craig, but it's not real likely. No, most of us could go for a nice bike ride or bake some cookies with a grandparent tonight instead of being a lazy bastard and watching three more hours of gridiron action. But you won't. Your bike will sit in the garage for another week, the chain getting rustier and the tires getting flatter. Your grandma will watch Wheel of Fortune with the volume up too loud, alone, and sigh as she looks at your picture. You never call her, you know. And what will you be doing? You'll be sitting on the couch, watching a game that has zero impact on your life.
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Unless your name happens to be Aaron, Shawn, Adam, or Rich. You guys are excused. You guys have it all riding on the line tonight. One of you will be 3-0. One of you will be 0-3. Let's break this sumbitch down and pick us some winners.

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Game 1: Aaron (1.2 point lead) vs. Shawn (Marques Colston)

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Analysis - OK. The Saints offense has been a bigger disappointment than the Sopranos finale, but Aaron's probably out of luck on this one. The 7th rounder out of Hofstra (my Lil' Sportswriter handbook says you're not allowed to mention Colston without stating both of these facts) only needs 1 catch for 10 yards for Shawn to tie Aaron. Even against a Titans defense who did a decent job of handling Reggie Wayne and Marvin Harrison a week ago, Colston should be able to find a hole in the defense on one or two plays, enough to help Shawn get out of this matchup with a 3-0 record.

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Game 2: Adam (7.2 point lead and Chris Brown) vs. Rich (Reggie Bush)

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Analysis - This seems like the kind of game where Reggie Bush plays like Reggie Bush should play. Good football players make good football plays. OK, I'm done with the Joe Theismann routine. Honestly, I would expect Bush to finally bust out of his slump in this game and at least find the end zone once. If the Saints offense can't gear themselves up for the first home game of the season, on Monday Night Football, if Sean Payton can't find a way to get Reggie Bush the ball where he's not immediately wrapped up by a ball carrier, if Drew Brees can't complete one or two long passes to get the defense on its heels a little bit and away from the line, then this team is out of excuses. I think this Saints team is sort of in the same position the Eagles were in yesterday. 0-2, playing a big home game that in reality shouldn't have been so big, and in essence, fighting for their playoff lives in mid-September. I have to think Reggie Bush becomes a factor in their gameplan much like the way the Eagles used Westbrook yesterday. On the flip side of the coin, if Chris Brown can sneak into the endzone just once, then Rich could lose. He doesn't have to have a great game and he probably won't. But one goal line carry could change the whole landscape of this matchup.
Of course, earlier this morning I called him a stiff, so it would be silly for me to say he'd carry Adam to a win. Rich wins this one, Adam drops to 0-3.

Grade The Trade: 9/23/07

Adam Davis and Jordan Yingling announce a 6 player deal. The trade will send Peyton Manning and Patrick Crayton to Jordan, who will send Jay Cutler, Cedric Benson, Chris Brown, and Hines Ward to Adam.
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From Jordan's Perspective - The long and short of it: Jordan unloads Jay Cutler and picks up a bona fide stud quarterback in Manning. The price he paid to get him was three starters (Benson, Cutler, Ward) and a throw-in running back (Brown), but Jordan has cemented his quarterback position for the remainder of the season. Making this trade makes Jordan a much more complete team. He already had Shaun Alexander and Marion Barber at running back, so giving up Benson and Brown doesn't sting too badly. He's already got Reggie Wayne and Calvin Johnson (who may be banged up after Sunday's game), so losing Ward isn't all that detrimental. Getting Crayton back may prove to be a good move so he can play the matchups at WR3. All in all, when you get a guy like Peyton back, you probably made a really good deal.
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From Adam's Perspective - The guys Adam got back here will be compared to Cadillac and LaMont for the rest of the season. It's inevitable. We said one deal was unfair and the other was fair. Hopefully we did a good job of deciding between the two. Having said that, Cedric Benson is a good, not great fantasy back. He's stuck on a team where the quarterback is completely ineffective, so opposing defenses can key the run. On the flipside, though, his defense is arguably the league's best (last night notwithstanding), so in theory, he should have many chances to run the ball throughout the course of a game. He's certainly head and shoulders better than whoever Adam was using in the past, so this is a major upgrade.
Chris Brown is a stiff in my opinion. He may have led the league in rushing yards after Week 1, but he managed only 34 yards the next week. The problem with Brown may be similar to Benson's: opposing defenses aren't scared of getting beat by the passing game. Vince Young, while he's definitely a playmaker, doesn't command the full attention of an NFL secondary, and that can draw extra guys in against the rush. Besides, Brown is in a platoon with LenDale White, who was the more effective back in Week 2.
Hines Ward is certainly a threat at wide receiver, although a knee injury may cause him to miss some time. Pittsburgh seems to be more comfortable with their passing game this year, and if healthy, Ward is a definite starter on Adam's team.
The biggest improvement however, may be the addition by subtraction of Peyton Manning. Adam can also plug in Tom Brady every week and not worry that he's making the wrong decision. Whereas playing the matchups between the two could have left a lot of points on the bench every week, Brady over Cutler is a much easier decision to make than Brady over Manning.

The Winner: Slight edge goes to Jordan Yingling.

Postscript: Last week's Davis trade fiasco could have probably been avoided. I blame Bill Belichick. All you heard in the world of sports was about gaining unfair competetive advantages and I let these stories sculpt my opinion of what I believed was a seedy deal between seedy brothers. I understand that Adam's options were somewhat limited. I know the last thing he wanted to do was sit Brady or Manning on the bench for another week and start Musa and Chester. I still stick by my guns in vetoing that trade and allowing this one, but I apologize if anybody feels like I ruined their season. So, if you're still raw about it next time I see you, free beer on Hefty.

Round-Up: Week 3 Bajingos and Sasquatches

The pretty new jerseys make us forget that Donovan is a lousy black quarterback for a week.

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It's MONDAY!! That means hard hitting double blog postage from the Tag Team Champions of the Interweb, Mikey and Jonny. I'm admittedly in higher spirits today after an Eagles 2004-esque thrashing of the Motor City Kitties. However, not everyone in the NFL played as well as the Birds. Let's find them, point at them, and then laugh!

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BAJINGOS

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1. Steve Smith - Don't taze me, bro!!! Don't taze me!!! I was halfway done making a shrine to you in my computer room and you pull this crap?! I called you Keanu Reeves last week!! You know how badass that is? Instead, you hauled in 1 ball for 10 yards. You were Keanu Reeves, alright. Keanu Reeves in "The Lakehouse". What a douchetastic douche.
2. Marc Bulger - Negative 0.3 points? Really? Don't worry, Shelby, your backup only put up...let's see here...oh. 38 Points. Whoops.
3. Starting the Wrong White Guys - I just noticed this yesterday, but Shelby can trot out the unprecedented Three White Receiver offense at any time this year. He started two of the caucasians yesterday, Brandon Stokely and Joe Jurevicius. The one he kept on the bench? Kevin Curtis. Yikes. Strike two, Fidler.
4. Pardon Me Sir, Your Lee Evans Is Broken - Lee Evans is a serious candidate for Bust of the Year. Through three games, the breakout season of Lee Evans looks as follows: 5 catches for 29 yards. He also had an ugly temper tantrum on the field in last week's game against the Steelers that led to back to back penalties. Couple all this with news that JP Losman could be out indefinitely with a knee sprain, and there's really no redeeming qualities to Evans right now.
5. Rudi Johnson - Sure the 9 yards on 17 carries is atrocious, but the real story here is that with a little more effort out of Rudi, Melvin could have hit the 200 point mark. All of Melvin's other players (with the exception of Akers) scored in double digits.

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SASQUATCHES

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1. Anquan Boldin - Q put up a monster stat line, with most of the damage coming once Matt Leinart was benched in favor of Kurt Warner. 14 catches, 181 yards, 2 TDs. Dayum. Unfortunately, Leinart is expected to get the nod next week.
2. Ronnie Brown - The man I love to hate was a Sasquatch this week, plain and simple. 112 rushing yards, 99 receiving yards, 2 rushing touchdowns, 1 receiving touchdown. That's unbelievable production, and should finally put to bed any talk of the timeshare with Jesse Chatman down in Miami.
3. Philip Rivers - Slimmy's "weak link" (my words in last week's column) sure didn't play like one. Against a Green Bay defense that had befuddled Donovan McNabb and Eli Manning in the first two weeks of the season, Rivers had a 306 yard, 3 touchdown day. The guy we told him he couldn't have, Peyton Manning, put up a mere 18 fantasy points. Karma pisses in our Cheerios once again.
4. That Guy Who's Banging That Model - Tom Brady had another unbelievable fantasy performance, posting 311 yards and 4 touchdowns (2 to Randy Moss). And for a change, he was actually in Adam's starting lineup. This change may well have earned Adam his first win of the season, but more on that later.
5. Five - Donovan McNabb silenced his critics (for a few days anyway), with a 381 yard, 4 touchdown performance. He was helped out by the receiving heroics of Kevin Curtis (3 touchdowns) and Brian Westbrook (1 receiving, 2 rushing), who pulled a move that warranted several DVR rewinds. But for once this season, it finally looked like McNabb is capable of playing at a high level when the pressure is on. Good to have you back, Donovan.

Monday Morning Slobbering Yap: 9/24/07

Please, stop laughing at the Ball Maulers, Jim "The Anvil" Neidhart.

1. I think that I must've done something to receive these last two weeks of ass whoopings, all while I put up decent pointage. So, in rolling with that, this week I will take the opposite viewpoint on several issues, with the hopes that reverse psychology will help turn the luck around. Kinda like My Name is Earl or something...
a. I do not think Paul Davis will grow up to be a cunning pedophile.
b. Aaron's team is good, not lucky.
c. I respect Adam's drafting strategy. Also, he's not whining. Not at all. Neither am I.
d. Shelby isn't even thinking about sitting Kevin Curtis for Brandon Stokely. He's also not sitting with a gun to his head and a blowtorch near his eyeball.

2. I think single women everywhere should have their pink Tasers handy now that Shawn Hussein is on the prowl again. So I hear.

3. I think that Michigan game was just a total embarrassment to the Penn State community. Couldn't even talk about it immediately after the game was over. How sad. Joe, Jay, Galen. They're all complicit in that debacle. Let the guys succeed, coaches. Don't play like women. Triple Ugh.

4. I think I'll start backpedaling on my shouts about Randy Moss being overrated. OK, the guy is exceeding my expert expectations. I'm a man. I'll accept that. But I fully expect him to hit a woman in the crosswalk with his vehicle any day now.

5. I think Lady in the Water was terrible. Just saw it this week. M. Night's movies are some of my favorites but that was a stinker.

Grade The Trade: 9/20/07

Adam takes a dump all over the rest of the league with this ridiculous trade.

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BREAKING: Adam Davis and Paul Davis (Hmmm...that's weird, they have the same last name) announce a 4 player deal. The trade will send Peyton Manning to Paul, who sends Cadillac Williams, LaMont Jordan, and Jason Campbell to Adam.
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From Paul's Perspective: Let me get this straight. You trade three of your backups for the best quarterback ever to play the game. OK, I think we're done here. But just in case we're not, let's dig into this one a little bit. The fact that Paul traded Cadillac Williams (6th round, 70th overall), LaMont Jordan (9th round, 99th overall), and Jason Campell (13th round, 147th overall) for Peyton Manning (1st round, 8th overall) is CRIMINAL. If these two had announced before the draft that Adam was giving his 1st Round Pick to Paul for his 6th, 9th, and 13th, we would have rioted. So what's the difference 2 weeks into the season? If this trade does hold up (and I hope it doesn't...), Slimmy now adresses his one major weakness, Philip Rivers at QB. His team now starts Manning, LJ, Portis, The Bengal Twins, and Andre Johnson (when healthy). Simply put, I and 9 other of my leaguemates will be dancing in the streets if LJ blows out an ACL.
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From Adam's Perspective: I honestly have no idea where to start. Idiotic is the first word that comes to mind. Conspiracy is the second. What the eff? You really just traded your first pick of the draft for two running backs who WERE THE BIGGEST BUSTS IN FANTASY LAST SEASON and a throw-in black quarterback. Honestly, were any two running backs more disappointing last year than Caddy and LaMont? (Ok, Ronnie Brown, you can put your hand down...I'm trying to prove a point...) What makes you think this year will be any different? The first two weeks of the season? Here's a fact: Dominic Rhodes is back in two games, so LaMont Jordan is going to take another nosedive. Cadillac Williams doubled his 2006 touchdown total in last week's game. He's not a 10 touchdown guy! He's a 5 touchdown guy maybe. You can say that Jeff Garcia is moving the offense more effectively than Gradkowski did last year, but a tiger can't change his stripes. Caddy's not the kind of reward you'd expect to get back for trading the BEST QB EVER. Listen, I know I made fun of your backfield last week. Musa Smith and Chester Taylor can make a man do strange things, I get it. But flushing your season down the toilet so you can pick up two middle-of-the-pack running backs is stupid. You should have rested on your laurels, waited for another shitty week out of Brees, Bulger or McNabb, and pounced. You want to know how many guys are 100% happy with their current QB situation? Here's the list: You, Me, Rich. The. End. There are 9 other owners who are probably having some second thoughts about taking the wrong guy. So what do you do? You completely puss out and trade with your brother. Gay. I'm mailing Anthrax to the three guys you're getting in this trade. You don't deserve anything in return. You pussed out. You could have traded with Craig! You know, the guy with Vince Young and three of the best receivers in football? I just think you took the easy way out. I would have felt much better about this if there was at least a major family holiday that just happened. If this were Thanksgiving, I could tell myself, "Oh, Adam just drank too much and ate too much turkey. He probably got a little woozy and Slimmy talked him into a trade that a five year old would have turned down...Ah, well, boys will be boys!!" But no. You gave away Peyton Manning for three guys most teams could have found in their couch cushions. You suck. Faggot.

The Winner: Paul Davis by Technical Knockout

By the way, I had a good bit of Crown before I wrote this. So you can ignore the faggot line. The rest of it I'm pretty sure I'd admit to when sober.

Week 2 Power Rankings: The Rise of The A.P.T.s

Aaron and Hefty must protect this house!!
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I'll admit, although the URL of this website is 'westsideffl.blogspot.com', there's a little residual resentment on my part. Fact is, I never lived in Westside. Neither did Repucci. While you queers were circle-jerking off campus, Aaron and I were living the good life in Nittany Apts. We didn't pay rent, we had a meal plan, and we had washing machines that ran on Lion Cash. So while the rest of you may be Westside 4 Life, just know that Aaron and I will always be loyal to the A.P.T.s. Now, having said that, Aaron and I just happen to be two of the four remaining unbeaten teams in this league, so I think it's time we got a small bit of the spotlight. We'll start reparations by addressing that stupid league name and go from there.
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So, without any further ado, your Week 2 Nittany Apartment Fantasy Football Power Rankings.
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1. Jon Hefty (2-0, Previously #2) - Put up more points in one week than Rich has all season. Taking Carson Palmer and Steve Smith was a good choice.
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2. Paul Davis (2-0, Previously #1) - You've been bumped. Although deep down, you're the only team I truly fear. If you've got TJ and CJ, then how is Carson Palmer going to scare you? You frighten me, Paul Davis, you frighten me.
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3. Shawn Hussein (2-0, Previously #4) - The Cripplers beating The Junk Jabbers last week was the equivalent of Toddler Murder. Not fair, but I guess that's what you get when Chris Benoit is your team's role model.
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4. Aaron Repucci (2-0, Previously #3) - Has yet to score 100 points in a game, so he has to slip a little bit here. By the way, truly observant readers will note that my 1, 2, 3, and 4 teams from last week are now all 2-0. So maybe I do know what the hell I'm talking about here.
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5. Mike Walbert (1-1, Previously #5) - Santana Moss couldn't put up the 100+ points Mike needed on Monday Night, and Mike slips to 1-1. The Boys of Bisbee have all the pieces of the puzzle except for a reliable second running back. Deuce McAllister is not the answer.
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6. Jordan Yingling (1-1, Previously #6) - Jay Cutler is more capable than I would have expected. Calvin Johnson looks like he could be one of the best steals of draft day if he keeps clicking with Kitna like he has so far this season.
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7. Shelby Fidler (1-1, Previously #11) - Ok, here's a question, and no peeking. Who is currently the #1 ranked running back in our league? If you said Edgerrin James, you'd be correct. You'd also be a filthy cheater because there's no way you said Edgerrin James. Joseph Addai is #4 overall. Quite a stable, you've got there, son.
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8. Craig Fritz (1-1, Previously #9) - If you received a trade offer from Craig for Jamal Lewis this week, I'd love to hear it in the comments section.
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9. Dave Wanner (0-2, Previously #8) - This team has more busts than the Playboy Mansion. Brees, Steven Jackson, Thomas Jones, Reggie Brown are all falling well short of expectations.
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10. Matt Melvin (0-2, Previously #10) - Lost by the narrowest of margins on Monday Night. And you know why? Because black quarterbacks suck.
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11. Rich Ely (0-2, Previously #7) - Seeing this team perform on the field is like seeing the pictures all over the internet of Oscar DeLaHoya in drag. It's funny at first, but then you remember that they could still kick your ass.
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12. Adam Davis (0-2, Eternally #12) - Losing the pick'em this week is the least of your concerns. Back of the bus, Rosa.

While You Wait For Power Rankings...

Sine I'm running a little behind on the power rankings, I figured I'd post this hilarious Family Guy that's been stuck in my head for about the last two weeks.

And can't we all agree that Prom Night Dumpster Babies would make a better team name than "BecaHigh DanKendras"?

International Blog Like A Pirate Day

I don't make the rules, I just follow them...
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Yargggh!! Ahoy me mateys! While I was driving me schooner to work today, I listened to a couple of landlubbers named Opie and Anthony who informed me that today be "International Talk Like A Pirate Day!" Avast!! I did some thinking and decided that I should post an entire blog filled with Pirate Slang! Yarrrgh!!!
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Let's talk about the sorry seadogs we call The Philadelphia Eagles. Great Poseidon's porpoise, does this whole team have scurvy?! I be thinking that Donovan McNabb had his gimpy leg replaced with a peg leg!!! If these lads seek the Treasure of Lombardi, they'll need to turn the rudder over to Kevin Kolb!! Yarggggh!!! Don't these Eagles know it's bad luck to have a woman on board a ship? They'll need to throw that lass McNabb overboard if they're to get their heading back!
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And the wide recievers?? Shiver me timbers!!! Aye, I've got ten men on this poopdeck who can swim faster than these mutts can run!!! Are they carryin cannonballs with them downfield? Get off the line of scrimmage you landlubbers!!
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And don't get me started on Captain Andy Reid. Methinks a mutiny may be in order!! This Jolly Roger isn't fit to run a dingy!! He needs to focus on keeping his two boys away from the rum! And that parrot on his shoulder, Marty Morninwheg needs to get a little creativity in his play calling, because this offense is headed straight for Davy Jones' locker.
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And the defense. Yargh, the defense. Tis a respectable unit, from what I can see out of my unpatched eye, but the sailors are getting banged up in a terrible way. The secondary's lost more men than we did after our latest encounter with the British Navy!

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And the special teams. They've already made JR Reed walk the plank. I say they need to go one step further! Make that salty dog Greg Lewis walk the plank with him!! I wouldn't let that fairy on board my boat unless we were all out of men to rape and pillage.
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Aye, so there ya have it, Eagles fans. My take on the team complete with all the pirate's booty you could ever hope for. And if we head into the bye week 0-4, I really am jumping ship.

Handing Out The Week 2 Chumleys

Now that's a handsome trophy!!

It's time once again to reward those players who gave a little extra on Sunday. In reality, all the Chumley award winners this week should probably be from my team, but, I made the rules last week, so I'll stick to my guns: 1 Chumley winner from each winning team, for a total of 6 Chumley trophies. Let's see who shaped the fantasy landscape in a significant way this week.
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Game 1: Craig def. Melvin - And the Chumley goes to...
Brian Westbrook, RB, Phi - Before Monday night's game, this contest was still up in the air. Westbrook did enough to hold off Melvin's two headed monster of Donovan McNabb and David Akers, who booted four field goals against the Redskins.
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Game 2: Shawn def. Rich - And the Chumley goes to...
Joey Galloway, WR, TB - Randy Moss's numbers were just as good, honestly, but Joey Galloway putting up 135 yards and two scores is a true WTF moment. Joey gets the nod here for some serious overachievement.
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Game 3: Slimmy def. Jordan - And the Chumley goes to...
Chad Johnson, WR, Cin - Chad led the league in receiving yardage and number of beers dumped on him by the Dawg Pound. Chad is off to a phenomenal start to the season, with 300+ yards and 3 TD's.
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Game 4: Hefty def. Mike - And the Chumley goes to...
Carson Palmer, QB, Cin - The man getting Chad the ball on Sunday also racked up 4 touchdowns to other targets. A 6 touchdown day at Cleveland gave Carson the most fantasy points in one game so far (54.5 points).
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Game 5: Aaron def. Adam - And the Chumley goes to...
Frank Gore, RB, SF - Frank the Tank found the endzone twice on Sunday against the Rams just a few days after the death of his mother. Of course, he's black, so nobody makes a big deal about this, like they did when Brett Favre's dad died and he played on Monday Night Football a few years ago.
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Game 6: Shelby def. Dave - And the Chumley goes to...
Edgerrin James, RB, Ari - It seems like the new regime out in Arizona is dedicated to getting Edge the ball as many times as possible. He's got 50 carries through the first two games of the season, and he picked up 128 yards and a touchdown on Sunday. The schedule gets a little tougher from here on out, as Edge will play against the Ravens and Steelers in back-to-back weeks.
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So there you have it. Your week 2 Chumley winners. Everybody still has just 1 Chumley, as all of this week's winners were first-time recipients. The Chumley Watch will be updated accordingly.

Week 2 Photo Finishes: MotownPhilly Edition

Can David Akers kick Craig Fritz into an 0-2 hole? Can Reno Mahe field a punt? Can Andy Reid call any creative offensive plays? Tune in tonight and find out!!

Tonight is Monday Night. And it's also Redskins-Eagles night. It's certainly the most tame out of our division rivalries, but still, one to take seriously. And any time we could be two games behind the Cowboys and the Redskins in the division by Tuesday morning, well, it's time to nut up or shut up.
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It's also nut up or shut up time for two fantasy squads tonight. One game is still hanging in the balance, and we'll break it down to see who's got the edge.

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Game 1: Craig (Brian Westbrook and a 7.9 point lead) vs. Melvin (Donovan McNabb and David Akers)

Analysis - McNabb and Akers will certainly have their chances in this one. The offense should be embarrassed and motivated after the debacle at Green Bay, so I'm not sure we'll see Philadelphia struggle to put points up tonight. The question for this game though, is who will be the recipient of McNabb's tosses? If Reggie Brown and Kevin Curtis can establish a rhythym against the Redskins corners, than Melvin wins this game. But if McNabb has to rely on dumpoffs to Westbrook, then McNabb's points are negated. My prediction is that the David Akers points make the difference here and Melvin steals a win.
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All of the other games appear to be set in stone. Jordan could upset Slimmy if the defense pitches a shutout and returns some picks for touchdowns, but realistically speaking, Slimmy with a 21.4 point lead and Clinton Portis should roll to victory. Let's just hope our Birds can do the same. My Monday Night Prediction: Eagles 24, Redskins 14
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Your Monday Night Power Picks in the comments, please.

Round-Up: Week 2 Bajingos and Sasquatches

Not pictured: Defense.

Here it is, your weekly-double dose of Monday Morning bloggery. Mike has posted his concession speech below, but here's my take on the goings-on around the league yesterday. Without any further ado, here's Week 2's edition of Bajingos and Sasquatches.

Bajingos

1. Rich's Lineup!! - What the blood clot?! 60.7 points? You get 0.1 points for a completed pass, and a rushing attempt!! This is like scoring a 550 on the SATs when you get 400 points just for correctly spelling your name on the Scantron form. Richard, what's happening to us?!! I had you at number 1 overall in the preseason, but it looks like you'll be getting to know your neighbor in the basement, Adam.
2. Adam's Running Backs - Earlier in the week I posed the question if Adam's lineup of Musa Smith and Chester Taylor was the worst non-bye-week impacted starting running back tandem in fantasy history. If it wasn't, I'd be surprised. A huge heaping steaming 1.5 points between Jamal Lewis's former understudies.
3. Picks 1 through 3 of the Fantasy Draft - LT, S-Jax, and LJ combined for 29.5 points. Not the kind of production one would expect for the so called sure things in the draft. At least LT and LJ can say they played a stout defense though. What's with Jackson only racking up 60 yards on 21 carries against the Niners D?
4. Shifty Sophomores - Reggie Bush and Maurice Jones-Drew may be hitting a little bit of a sophomore slump (sorry to pick on your team twice, Rich). Both guys were supposed to be monsters with a year of experience under their belt, now neither looks like they want to claim the number 1 spot in the backfield rotation. Seize the day, gentlemen!!
5. Harrison and Wayne - When you own either of the Colts Pro Bowl receivers, and you see Tennessee on the schedule, you're expecting at least 1 TD a piece out of your guys. Maybe I'm being unfairly harsh here, both guys had over 70 yards, but I think given the circumstances, both Marvin and Reggie came up small.
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Sasquatches
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1. Ohio! - Cleveland and Cincinnati played a flag football game yesterday, with Cleveland getting the win 51-45. What the heck happened here? Derek Anderson put up 5 touchdowns, Jamal Lewis ripped off a 60+ yard touchdown, and the much-maligned Braylon Edwards reeled in 8 balls for a buck-forty-six and two scores. On the flip side, Carson Palmer tossed six touchdowns of his own, Rudi Johnson went over the hundred yard mark and caught a touchdown, and TJ and CJ each caught two touchdowns. Absolutely ridiculous game.
2. Melvin's Receivers - Each of Deion Branch, Chris Chambers, and Roy Williams went over 100 yards, and Roy grabbed a touchdown early in the Lions-Vikings game. Branch, who was a no show (and a Bajingo) just a week ago, caught seven passes for 122 yards. That's more like it, Deion.
3. Tampa Bay Buccaneers - Cadillac Williams ran for two scores, and Joey Galloway caught two more in a game I'm absolutely certain none of us actually watched.
4. Randy Moss - Tom Brady spreads the ball out!! The Patriots don't rely on one guy!! Nobody could catch ten touchdowns in that offense!! Baloney!! Randy Moss upgrading from Aaron Brooks to Tom Brady is the exact spark he needed to become the game's most dangerous receiver again. Unless of course, number 5 has something to say about it...
5. Steve Smith Pulls A Keanu Reeves - Remember in the second Matrix movie, when Neo's fighting all the Agent Smiths, and all the Agent Smiths finally start pinning him down and it looks like they'll finally kick the crap out of him, but then Neo gets really mad and has a violent explosion and all the Agent Smiths go flying off into the air? You remember that? That was awesome. Well, watch Steve Smith's third touchdown against the Texans yesterday and tell me he wasn't watching Matrix Reloaded right before the game started. Just an awesome bitchslapping of the defense. Unreal.

Monday Morning Slobbering Yap: 9/17/07

Heck, even Det. Nordberg found time this weekend to laugh at me.
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5 Things I Think That I Thought Were

1. I think ... well, I'll say this about the Chicago Bear Grylls/Bisbee Ball Maulers "matchup." Noah himself couldn't have built an adequately sized ark to combat CBG's flood of touchdowns. There hasn't been this much trauma inflicted on a group of people since the Trail of Tears (look it up on wikipedia, Melvin). Just effin' ridiculous. Let's move on.

2. I think the trade winds surrounding the BecaHigh DanKendras (god, I hate typing that SO much) and their key asset, Tom Brady, are set to pick up. MMSY has learned from sources close to league insiders who are familiar with the situation that someone anonymously told them about... you get the point. Word is, Adam is looking to deal Tom Brady and THEN deal Peyton Manning. In another possible deal, sources also say that a deal could go down between the Davis brothers, with Paul shipping Clinton Portis and Cadillac Williams to BHDK for Brady. Stay tuned.

I think these are some random thoughts on the weekend:
a. 3:10 To Yuma is a terrific, shoot-em-up film. Saw the original (black-and-white from 1957 or so) recently and the remake essentially measures up to it. Christian Bale is particularly good. And oh-so-pretty.
b. Look, boys. We're gonna beat Michigan. Get rid of that feeling in the pits of your stomachs. Ollie Ogbu will sprinkle some oregano flakes and dijon mustard on Michael Hart, and gobble him up. Craig, I suggest you add that recipe to The Untrained Chef, stat!
c. Going off the stellar momentum from the weekend, who thinks the Phils lose 2 of their next 3? Show of hands?

4. I think the way things are shaking out for Rich that he could be in the market to pick up Orenthal James Simpson at running back. Being charged with multiple felonies has got to be at least worth 5 points -- and that'd be more than his running backs have produced.

5. I think Slimmy being 2-0 has got to be the most enraging thing ever. Opie cannot win this year!

Hey Baby, Need A Ride?

Disclaimer: This post is inspired by nothing in particular. It is entirely hypothetical and in no way accuses any persons, real or fictional, of accepting rides home from athletes.

Here's a question. You get a call at 4 AM. It's the girlfriend/wife/fiancee/mistress. She's elated!! What's the big occasion?? She met a nice gentleman at one of Philly's local hotspots! And guess what, he plays for one of your favorite sports teams!! And then, just to put the whipped cream on this sundae of awesome news, the athlete in question drove your lass home from the bar! Wasn't that thoughtful of him?? You know, taking your lady home by himself?? That's sweet, right?????
Right???
Nope, not really. But there are degrees of how super lame this scenario could possibly be. Let's examine some of Philadelphia's athletes, past and present, and figure out how things could have gone more wrong.

Scenario 1: Honey, I just got a ride home from Ugueth Urbina!!
Why it sucks: Well, you know, other than the fact that he could have doused your galpal in gasoline and cut her open like a highschool student dissecting a pig fetus, he's not even that famous. He's moderately good looking, but Hispanics make angry lovers.

Scenario 2: Baby, Shawn Bradley just gave me a ride home!!!
Why it sucks: Well there aren't many cars made so that a 7'-6" human can comfortably drive them. Chances are that Mr. Bradley had a chauffeur drive home, and he and your woman were in the back seat. If you've ever watched Taxi Cab Confessions, you know how the back seat of a vehicle is the ultimate aphrodesiac.


Scenario 3: OMG, sweetiekins, I just got a ride from Lenny Dykstra!!
Why it sucks: Well, he's a former steroid user, so the possibility exists that he felt the need to choke a bitch. Aside from that, this is kind of a blessing in disguise. If your female has Skoal residue anywhere on her person, well, chances are she's a two-timing ho. Ditch her.


Scenario 4: Hey sugarbuns, Dikembe Mutombo drove me home from the bar!
Why it sucks: Well, see the Shawn Bradley scenario, now add the fact that the only English sentence he seems to know is "Who wants to sex Mutombo?", and your sweetheart was probably getting a little Black Snake Moan.


Scenario 5: Lemondrop, I just got a ride from former Phillies catcher, Sal Fasano!
Why it sucks: Yeah, you did just get a ride. A Mustache Ride.


Scenario 6: Hey sexy, I just got a ride home from Andy Reid!
Why it sucks: Actually, you're kind of off the hook here. Reid probably made a Krispy Kreme run before dropping off your girl, so he was likely distracted from any sexual advances. Plus, I've always pictured him as being impotent.


Scenario 7: Darling, Hollis Thomas just took me home!
Why it sucks: Why doesn't it suck? Is there anything about that man's face that says "Trust me with a white chick?" The man most famous for taking down Mike Vick probably has a rape stand or two of his own. Repeat: Keep your womenfolk away from Hollis Thomas.

So there you have it. My take on a totally hypothetical situation that would probably never happen. But if it did, at least you know how to react.

Week 2 Matchups: Chili Con Carnival!

Everyone's two favorite computer nerds square off in BlogBowl I.

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Aaron's too good to write this column for me this week so I'll do it my own damn self.
Let's take a look at two of Week 2's key matchups.
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Runner Up: Bisbee vs. Chicago
This battle of 1-0 teams should be a good one. Chicago QB Carson Palmer squares off against his former mentor in Cincinnati, Jon Kitna, who now proudly plays for Bisbee. Mike's running backs are the key to this matchup, neither Parker or McAllister scored last week, and to beat me, they'll have to find paydirt. For me, this game seems like a slam dunk. Carson Palmer's playing the Browns, Tomlinson's still the best player in the league, and Purple Jebus is playing the University of Buffalo, or some similarly terrible defense.
My prediction: Parker, Kitna and Gates score enough points to give me a good scare, but ultimately, I'll be improving to 2-0.
My solution on how to make this game more important: If I win, I get to ghostwrite one of your columns in the Arizona Republic. If you win, I'll destroy the tape of me and Aunt Judy I've been blackmailing you with all of these years.
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The Main Event!: Hawaii vs. North Korea
The other battle of unbeatens this week is between Slimmy and Jordan. I'll take "Sentences I Never Thought I'd Type" for a thousand, Alex! Slimmy's been talking a hot game this week, but there's a chance that Chicago could actually play 11 men in the box this week to stop Larry Johnson, so he's useless. Philip Rivers took a play out of the Briscoe High playbook last week, handing off to Tomlinson, who then played quarterback better than his actual quarterback. So he's useless. Clinton Portis is playing the Eagles, so he's useless. However, TJ Houshmandzadeh and Chad Johnson are playing the Browns, and their stat lines will look like something out of a Madden game. I'm guessing 325+ yards and 3 touchdowns combined. Yikes.
HOWEVA, Jordan has my new favorite player, Reggie Wayne, who gets to feast on the Titans. He might also get 325 yards and 3 touchdowns on his own. He's also got Shaun Alexander (playing Arizona), Hines Ward (playing Buffalo), and Jay Cutler (playing Oakland). All good matchups for Jordan's boys this week.
My prediction: Jordan by double digits.
My solution on how to make this game more important: If Slimmy wins, he gets to masturbate while playing X Box. If Jordan wins, he gets to feed Slimmy his pubes in a bowl of chili.

Mighty Morphin Power Rankings: Week 1

The Davis brothers find themselves on opposite ends of the rainbow this week.

POWER RANKINGS: Week 1

1. Paul Davis (1-0, Previous #7) - "Why, that's a large jump," you're thinking. And you're right. Is it totally deserved? Yes and no. He put up a league high 128.5 points even after LJ had a crummy game. But time will tell us that this is not the league's best team. So let's make him a number 1 for now, and it will be even funnier when he ends the season at #11.

2. Jon Hefty (1-0, Previous #2) - Scored 112.7 points with my top two picks playing games against the Ravens and the Bears. Digest that. Dangerous squad, and my sudden depth at running back is giving me goosebumps. I could really stand a new wide receiver though. Jerry Porter and Braylon Edwards are the NFL's version of Method Man and Redman. Lazy assholes.

3. Aaron Repucci (1-0, Previous #5) - Beat the #1 team in the league in the Battle of Connecticut so I had to bump him a few spots here. Aaron scored the fewest points out of all the winners, but Gore and Mo-Jo Drew will eventually bust out for him.

4. Shawn Hussein (1-0, Previous #4) - Beat the #12 team in the league, so there's no real reason to boost him up here. If Randy Moss can have a few more games like Sunday, Shawn will be moving up to the top of the rankings. I have serious concerns about Matt Leinart's ability to be a starting fantasy QB after Monday's 11 point dud against the Niners.

5. Mike Walbert (1-0, Previous #6) - Mike toppled arch rival Craig in a key divisional matchup. His running backs played awful in week 1. Parker should shake it off and be fine, but as for McAllister? I'm not sure how much of the load Sean Payton plans on giving him. Could be a major bust.

6. Jordan Yingling (1-0, Previous #11) - Here's what we know about the last 1-0 team: Shaun Alexander looked good again, Reggie Wayne looked unstoppably great, and Cedric Benson is a two-dollar whore who has no business starting for a Super Bowl caliber NFL team. Congrats on beating Shelby though.

7. Rich Ely (0-1, Previous #1) - A tough tumble for my preseason paper champion. Kind of a fluky week if you ask me. Tony Romo won't score that many points again (unless it's Thanksgiving against the Buccaneers), Lee Evans won't have less than 5 receiving yards again, and Vincent Jackson will NOT drop any more touchdowns. He's Vincent Jackson for crying out loud! Jason Witten for Tony Gonzalez looks like a bad deal after one week, but should correct itself.

8. Dave Wanner (0-1, Previous #3) - He was the lowest scoring team this week, but that was mostly due to unfathomably bad games out of Drew Brees and Steven Jackson. Jackson could have a tougher year ahead of him with tackle Orlando Pace done for the season, and even Plaxico's stats will take a dip if Eli's really hurt for an extended period of time.

9. Craig Fritz (0-1, Previous #8) - Alex Smith had a pretty bad game. The running backs here are still a total mystery to me as to what kind of season they'll have. Westbrook should have a big week 2 at home on MNF against the Redskins, so look for a bounce back week from him. I told you those receivers were good!!!

10. Matt Melvin (0-1, Previous #10) - The only guy who scared me this week was Witten, who looked open on every play. I TOLD YOU RONNIE BROWN SUCKS. I know he scored close to 10 points, but he's just excruciating to count on week in and week out. That Dolphins offense is atrocious and starting two members of it is going to get you a few more losses this season. Good game, Deion Branch. Guess you're not so great without a coaching staff stealing defensive signals for you, are you cockbreath?

11. Shelby Fidler (0-1, Previous #11) - I really like your running backs. Who knew Edgerrin James was going to get 45 carries a game? He could be a steal. Congratulations on having wide receivers more atrocious than mine. That's truly an accomplishment in this league.
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12. Adam Davis (0-1, Previous #12) - As the editor of this blog, it's getting tiring coming up with reasons why Adam owns the worst team in the league. As my treat to myself, it's up to you, the readers to let him know why he's in the cellar. Your suggestions (and any other complaints) in the comments!!

Commissioner Craig's Cinema Critic Corner Column!

Disclaimer: Movies reviewed may or may not include 'Just My Luck'

Editor's Note: When the Commish speaks, it's my job to post his words. Here's some...um...movies he thinks you should watch.
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What the heck do you do on the two nights a week when there are no football games? You watch movies!!

The Lookout - Starring Jeff Daniels, Joseph Gordon-Levitt (10 Things I Hate About You) and Ilsa Fisher (Wedding Crashers)
The tale of a brain-damaged twenty-something talked into helping rob a bank by his new, mysterious friends.
This movie starts out a little slow, but really picks up in the last 1/3. The action isn't overly intense, but it's enough to keep you entertained and wonder what you'd be like if your wires were crossed.

Slovenly Couch Potato Grade: B+

Hot Fuzz - Starring Simon Pegg and Nick Frost (Both of Shawn of the Dead)
The boys from uproarious Shawn of the Dead are back for a try their hands at a cop/caper movie. Nicholas Angel (Pegg) is an overachieving officer in London that is so good at his job, he makes everyone else look bad. They ship him off to the quiet town of Sanford to be a desk jockey, but strange happenings are afoot. I'll be honest. This movie was completely different than what I expected. I think it is still very good, but don't expect a slap-stick comedy that the previews portrayed. A mix of satire, creepiness and action make it a dynamo of a movie that finishes with a bang.

Slovenly Couch Potato Grade: A- (Girls like it zero)

And The Chumley Goes To...

It's time to hand out some well-earned hardware.
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First of all, right off the bat, no punches pulled, let me just congratulate Dave Wanner on the phenomenal photoshoppery that you see above. I asked Dave to modify the Heisman in such a way that it beared the head of one of our league members, and he came through. You're a good man, sir.

Now, a word about the following column. When watching the VMA's the other night, I decided that there just aren't enough arbitrary awards being handed out in this world. Is Fall Out Boy definitely better than the White Stripes? I never thought so, but MTV says otherwise, so I guess I was wrong all along! Not wanting to miss out on the fun, I've decided to reward some NFL players with the official award of Fisting Jerry Dunn.

My first step was choosing a name. It seemed that most of the other names of awards were all gay sounding and ended in 'y'. The Emmy, the Tony, the Grammy, etc. I didn't want to break that rich tradition, so I went with the gayest word ending in 'y' that I could think of, Chumley.

From there I had to come up with criteria for the Chumley. What I've decided to do is hand out 6 Chumleys after every week of game. The Chumley will go to the most exceptional player on each of the 6 winning fantasy teams each week. I've decided that in this case, 'exceptional' means the following:

-Player put up a massive amount of points

-Player far outperformed expectations of self

-Player gave fantasy team a significant advantage at one position

-Player made a badass play that resulted in extra fantasy points

With these criteria in mind, I will now announce the first weekly Chumley award winners for the 2007 season. Each player's Chumleys will be carefully tabulated throughout the season, and the player with the most Chumley awards will be designated Fisting Jerry Dunn's Most Valuable Player. That player will likely get a pizza party at Chuck E. Cheez or something equally lame. The budget's tight here this season. Now, let's get on with the awards.

Game 1: Mike def. Craig - And the Chumley goes to...

Antonio Gates, TE, San Diego. Antonio gave Mike a much needed cushion at tight end, outscoring counterpart Ben Watson by more than 12 points.

Game 2: Hefty def. Melvin - And the Chumley goes to...
Marshawn Lynch, RB, Buffalo. Marshawn came out with both guns blazing in his first NFL game against a tough Denver defense and racked up 90+ rushing yards and a 23 yard touchdown.

Game 3: Aaron def. Rich - And the Chumley goes to...
Steelers, D/ST, Pittsburgh. The Steel Curtain was as effective in fantasy as it was in the real NFL, racking up 22 points in a severe beatdown on the Cleveland Browns.

Game 4: Shawn def. Aaron - And the Chumley goes to...
Randy Moss, WR, New England. Moss led the league in receiving yards, and reeled in a 51 yard touchdown in his first game as a Patriot.

Game 5: Slimmy def. Dave - And the Chumley goes to...

LaMont Jordan, RB, Oak. ESPN.com's least favorite running back on draft day turned into quite a valuable commodity for young Slims, as he was the second highest scoring running back in our league.

Game 6: Jordan def. Shelby - And the Chumley goes to...
Reggie Wayne, WR, Ind. Reggie's monster game on Thursday night gave Jordan a lead that he never gave back up in cruising to a season opening win.

Congratulations to all the winners. As the season progresses, I'll have a Chumley tracker that shows the leaderboard. For now, it's easy! They all have 1!!

Week 1 Photo Finishes!!

Will Carson Palmer secure a Week 1 win for the league's most handsome GM? Tune in and find out!!

As many of you shuffle home from work tonight, you'll ponder your chances in your fantasy football. Maybe your team is up big, but you face a slew of talented players. Maybe you're hoping for that one last Matt Stover field goal to get your team over the top. Well, ponder no more, leaguemates. Every Monday, I'll break down the post-Sunday action and let you know who's coming out of your game with a W.

Game 1: Mike (Anquan Boldin and a 12.5 point lead) vs. Craig (Alex Smith)

Analysis - I expect the Arizona-San Fran game to be fairly high scoring, and I think the Cardinals' passing attack will benefit from that. With a 12.5 point cushion, Mike should have what it takes to hang on for the win. Good luck staying up until 1:30 to find out, though, Craig.

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Game 2: Aaron (Frank Gore and a 2.2 point lead) vs. Rich (Larry Fitzgerald)

Analysis - It's too early in the season to bail on Rich...he's #1 in my power rankings for a reason. After last night's Tony Romo explosion, Rich feels like a team of destiny. Aaron carries the lead into the 4th quarter, but watches it squirt away on a Frank Gore fumble. Rich eeks out a win and stays at #1.

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Game 3: Hefty (Carson Palmer, Vernon Davis, and a 12.6 point lead) vs. Melvin (Rudi Johnson)

Analysis - I'm expecting the Ravens to stuff Rudi. Palmer could have his troubles as well, but with a 12.6 point lead and Vernon Davis in the late game, I think I'm in pretty good shape here. Hefty gets the win.

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Game 4: Shawn (Matt Leinart, Willis McGahee, and a 11.9 point lead) vs. Adam (Todd Heap and the Ravens D)

Analysis - The Ravens defense and Todd Heap sound like a potent duo, but you losing this game is the Fantasy Gods' way of showing you how badly you screwed up your draft. Shawn wins handily.

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So there you have it. If I didn't preview your game, your fate is sealed. Go in peace.

Round-Up: Week 1 Bajingos and Sasquatches

Apparently, NBC is very comfortable with the thought of gay interracial marriage.

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Not to step on Mike's post, but it is Monday morning, and my readers need a major football fix. So dig in, fatties!! Suckle from my journalistic teat! Today I offer you Bajingos and Sasquatches. Most fantasy websites call this column 'Studs and Duds'. Well, I think that's gay. Just because the two rhyme doesn't mean they're appropriate titles to place on people. In my world, you're either a sweaty steaming bajingo, or you're a musclebound, hairy sasquatch. Let's see who's who!!

.Bajingos

1. Deewaan’s Running Backs – Thomas Jones and Steven Jackson combined for 8.6 points, on 100 total rushing yards. The No. 2 pick managed just 3 measly fantasy points in an opening day loss. Not exactly what Dave had in mind. Sweet commercial though.
2. Deion Branch – 0 catches, 0 yards, 0 airport blumpkins, 0 sweet commercials. Rough day.
3. Adam’s Running Backs – This is why you grab a running back in the first two rounds. Chunk and Sloth combined for 4.1 points and could cost Adam his Week 1 matchup with Hussein.
4. Philip Rivers – Even when the Chargers throw touchdowns, it’s LT who gets the points, not Rivers. He had an extremely tough matchup against the voracious Chicago D, but Rivers had a tough time getting anything going.
5. Everyone On Rich’s Team Who’s Not Dating Carrie Underwood – Lee Evans, 2 catches for 5 yards? Tony Gonzalez, 3 points? Maroney only getting 9 points in a Patriots bloodbath? Hell, even THE Vincent Jackson dropped a touchdown pass, and got stopped short at the 1 yard line on a nice red zone catch.

Sasquatches

1. Seemingly Everyone Involved In The Sunday Night Football Game – The stats here are eye-popping. Unfortunately, I couldn’t watch any more football by the time this game came on; my eyes were literally popping out of my skull. Sounds like a barnburner though.
2. Randy Moss – Contradictory to my colleague, Mr. Walbert, I’ll be the first to applaud Randy on a phenomenal performance. Nine catches for a buck-eighty-three? Who wouldn’t take that? He’s baaaack!
3. Adam’s Quarterbacks – Normally you’d be thrilled to get 65 points out of your top two draft picks. Unfortunately, if you’re Adam, one of them was sitting on the bench. The worst draft strategy in human history only needed 1 game to prove how stupid it was. Truly idiotic.
4. Hefty’s Hot Rooks!!! – I drafted Marshawn Lynch and Adrian Peterson hoping that one of them would develop into a solid number 2 back. I didn’t expect both of them to pan out, but after yesterday’s performances, it looks like they’ll both be getting the bulk of the carries and ripping off a lot of yards. Both backs got 19 carries, as opposed to the veteran backup (Anthony Thomas, Chester Taylor) getting only 3. That’s a good sign.
5. The Detroit Lions – Jon Kitna, Tatum Bell, Calvin Johnson, Roy Williams all found the end zone, and this offense seemed to be clicking all day. I say seem to, because there’s no way I would have actually watched that steaming dog turd of a game.

Monday Morning Slobbering Yap: 9/10/07

Romo? Almost 50 points? Burress? Almost 40? Something doesn't seem quite right...

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1. I think Penn State's defense has the makings to be the best in Big Ten, certainly. But one could argue that the unit, which is displaying phenomenal speed, is among the top 5 defenses in the country this early into the season. And you can truly tell that the defensive line honed its hand-to-hand combat skills at Meridian II in the offseason. It's paying off in spades.

2. I think the Explosive Diarrhea General Manager of the Week Award goes to Ricardo Ely for that what-the-eff-no-really-stop-it!! performance by Tony "Hide The Balogna" Romo. Nearly a 50-point game?! What an explosive, wild and messy effort!

3. I think the Britney Spears performance at the MTV VMAs last night is on par with Jordan Yingling's various forays on to the basketball court. They both consisted of disjointed movement, ill-advised heaves and stretched vulvas.

4. I think we should expect to hear some hootin' and hollerin' from the Randy Moss camp in Westside V this week. It was one week, fellas, and the Jets secondary couldn't cover Deewaan's package. Hey, I think that's the J-E-T-S! in David's team logo!

5. I think the down-to-the-wire matchup between the Areolas and the Maulers could be one for the ages. It's time to choppy-choppy pee-pee!

This Is, Once Again, Our Country

Drew Brees and his favorite target, Carlton from Fresh Prince.

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So the NFL made is triumphant return to our lives last night, and all in all, I was pretty impressed. Here are some things I liked and disliked from last night's Colts-Saints contest.

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I'm generally a pessimist, so let's start with the dislikes:

-The utterly bizzare Reggie Bush/Peyton Manning "the Eagle has no feathers" skit before kickoff. What paste-eating third grader came up with that joke? Did anybody laugh? Uh-oh, Reggie Bush, the Secret Service is coming to protect you!!! I'm guessing that the same writing staff for this skit is somehow involved with their new hit show, Chuck.

-Sticking with Peyton Manning and the media, what shroom-eating liberal arts major came up with the Mind of Manning commercial??? The room with all the mini-Peytons? The room with Marvin Harrison surrounded by Dolphins (actually, I just figured that out as I typed it...)? The kid who whispers Dallas Clark? What in God's name is going on here?

-I disliked Reggie Bush. More than Drew Brees, who I think eventually will be fine, Reggie looked like he's in for a long year. It was like he was starting all his highlight reel moves to bust out a big gain, but the defense was on him before he could actually finish the move. Is he slower than we thought? Are Fresno State defenders somehow worse than NFL defenders?

-I disliked the lack of Ben Utecht, who we all paid good money to see.

-I disliked Keith Olbermann, Tiki Barber, and as always, I despised Cris Collinsworth. I would love to know why he always acts like a PMSing fat chick who hasn't had a date in six years. He's making good money being on TV, isn't he? Can't he smile or pretend he's happy, or even enjoys football? Please?????

Ok, now I'm bummed out. Let's switch gears. Here are some things I liked:

-The lack of the Tranny. Faith Hill, although she's starting to show her age just the tiniest bit, is approximately 400 times easier to look at than Pink throwing punches at me in a halter top. Leave me alone, you post-op nightmare!

-The Colts defense. Holy crap did they look good. A team like that could challenge for a Super Bowl, I reckon.

-John Madden giving the EXACT same speech from Madden 2007 about Peyton Manning getting three plays in the huddle, two runs and a pass. I was quoting him in stride as he was giving his speech. Angie proceeded to throw out my PS2.

-Reggie Freaking Wayne. You get the feeling that Peyton could probably throw to Reggie on every play, but he gets it to Marvin just as often so that there's no hard feelings. Speaking of Marvin, sweet toe drag in the end zone. It was pretty.

-Joseph Addai getting the crap knocked out of him on the first play from scrimmage of the NFL season. I had Shelby dialed up until I saw the replay, and figured he was okay. I'd love to get a look at Shelby's underwear though, which I'm 96% certain, were soiled at the time. But was there a better play to start the new season off? A bone jarring hit that you can't see in any other sport. It's sexy. Very sexy.

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Welcome back, NFL. We missed you. Now let's all do the Carlton Dance!!!!