Devin Hester, You Are Irrelevant!!!

This touchdown? Never happened.

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"The Bears have won the toss and elect to receive. Kaeding sends it away and it's a good one. Fielded by Devin Hester at the 3. Up to the 15, he spins out of an arm tackle! He's at the 25. A nice block springs him and he cuts it up the right sideline. To the 35! Hard juke and there's only the kicker to beat!! Hester to midfield!!! Stiff arm to Kaeding, Hester still on his feet!! To the 35...25...15...10...5...touchdown!! Devin Hester, you are ridiculous!!!!"

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Except for some retarted reason, in our fantasy league, you're not. You're irrelevant. The only way you're scoring any points for the Bears this season is if you line up as a wide reciever. Despite your reputation as the most explosive, game changing, ankle breaking, return man in the game today, you will have ZERO fantasy points to show for it. You're as useless as Tim Couch.

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Does that sound right??? We're not rewarding the explosive plays on special teams this year? Kick returns and punt returns mean nothing; for the Defensive/SPECIAL TEAMS unit, or for the individual who ran the touchdown back? In 2006, there were 9 kick return touchdowns. There were 15 punt return touchdowns. These aren't exactly fluke plays. They're fairly common. At my other league's draft last weekend, the guy who had LT said his second best player last year was the Bears defense. Why? In part, because Devin Hester found the end zone 5 freaking times.

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Am I whining because I drafted the Bears under the assumption that I'd be getting oodles of points on the heels of the first player ever to grab a 100 speed rating in Madden? Kind of. Were the rules available on the website at the time of the draft, so I could have properly reviewed the scoring system? Indeed they were. Am I bitching mainly because I wasted a seventh round pick at a time when I could have been looking for warm bodies to play wide receiver instead of the defrosted corpses I have on my roster now? Yeah, I guess.

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But honestly, I'm not even sure how this rule makes sense. This is like learning that we're not counting field goals this year. A field goal puts three points on the board for a team. It's a SCORING play. You should score it in fantasy, shouldn't you? So when a special teams unit does something that changes the SCORE of the NFL game they're involved in, how do we not see fit to award credit to that fantasy unit? Maybe I'm alone on this, but I don't see how you can decide to award points for rushing attempts, and then say you don't give out any points for a touchdown. That's completely backwards.

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Now, anybody want to trade for Ted Ginn? He's suddenly become available.

Mighty Morphin Power Rankings: Post-Draft

On draft day, one true hero separated himself from the pack.

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POWER RANKINGS: Post-Draft

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1. Rich Ely - Yes, it rhymes with really. As in, yes, he's really got the most dangerous team right now. No matter how hard the ESPN overlords tried to screw our cuddliest leaguemate, Rich overcame the adversity and escaped with an awesome squad. Reggie Bush is going to explode this year, I can feel it. In a points per reception league (and one with bonuses for lengthier touchdowns) that spells trouble for the rest of us. Romo and Losman both have a solid playmaking wide receiver to throw to, and speaking of Rich's receivers, they just made me sprout wood. Fitzgerald, Evans, Branch, Vincent Jackson. What's not to like here?!

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2. Jon Hefty - LaDanian Tomlinson, Carson Palmer, and Steve Smith make me sleep easier at night, but I'll be counting on two rookie running backs (Marshawn Lynch and Purple Jesus) to share the rest of the rushing load. Also, on my draft notes, I had "whiny bitch" written next to Jerry Porter's name. Now he's a starter on my team. Another downer is that I can't shake the thought that I'm one well-placed Kimo von Olhoffen hit away from rolling out the Sex Cannon every week as my starting quarterback. If he stays healthy though, Palmer should have touchdown machine Chris Henry back by Fantasy Playoff season, which is going to be my early Christmas present. Now stop punching minors and puking on officers, gaymo.
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3. Dave Wanner - Steven Jackson and Drew Brees are arguably top two at each of their positions. That sort of thing comes in handy. The Jones brothers aren't the flashiest backs, but they're both starters (for now) and could be an unexpected surprise. The only shaky spot on this squad is the wide receivers, but Plaxico, Reggie Brown and Jerricho Cotchery are all the biggest touchdown threats on their respective teams. Personally, I'd tear my balls off before cheering for as many Jets and Giants as Dave has on his team, but hey, whatever works for ya, fella.

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4. Shawn Hussein - Should Matt Leinart be a great quarterback this year? Probably. But let's see how he does first before going ape-feces over him. Willis McGahee and Travis Henry both relocated this offseason to improved teams, which should give them more chances to pound the rock late in games. Randy Moss is either totally washed up or about to cement himself as a top-tier wideout. If he can't be a playmaker in New England, then he can't make an impact anywhere. I like this team's chances though.

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5. Aaron Repucci - Frank Gore and MoJo-Drew are an intriguing backfield. They both have loads of potential, and it will be interesting to see if Gore's busted meathook has any effect on his ball carrying ability. The wide receivers here look solid, but a little streaky for my liking. The QB's don't thrill me here. Matt Hasselbeck is bald and Trent Green has been spotted doing jigsaw puzzles on the sidelines when the defense is on the field and drinking prune juice through his water bottle. Although I hear Miami is generally a great spot for the elderly, so maybe that works out fine for him.

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6. Mike Walbert - If Jon Kitna is the 5,000 yard, 50 touchdown tossing machine that all the spazzoids at SI.com say he is, than Walbert wins the league. I'm not sold on Deuce McAllister, but Jerrious Norwood should be able to step in as a capable number 2 back if needed. Antonio Gates is a man among pre-pubescents at tight end and is a 5 point per game advantage over any of the tight ends he matches up against.

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7. Paul Davis - I like Opie's team, but Larry Johnson can't possibly be as good as his numbers over the past two years. Will he still be a good back? Absolutely. But with the revolving carousel of Brodie Croyle and Damon Huard at QB, if you were an opposing defensive coordinator, wouldn't you put 8-9 guys in the box every single play? Yes. You would. Also, he just got paid. Larry seems like the kind of self-centered jagoff who would collect his payday and go soft. As for Portis/Betts, while having both of these guys is nice, how do you decide on which one to play each week? From what I've heard, the workload is going to be split down the middle. My advice? Take a trip down to DC during a game, hide under Portis' car, and slice his Achilles tendon when he comes out afterwards. Then you can start Betts every game!! Thank me later.

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8. Craig Fritz - Disclaimer: I have never enjoyed the work of Ahman Green. He's one of the reasons I have this team ranked so low. His wide recievers kick ass though. Maybe since we give points per reception, this team will score more points than I think. Vince Young is the most athletically gifted (read: blackest) quarterback in the NFL today, but whether he can keep the legs churning for a whole season at a productive rate is up for discussion. At tight end, Randy McMichael has super-sleeper written all over him this season.

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9. Shelby Fidler - Joseph Addai, Edgerrin James, Dominic Rhodes...what do they all have in common? They all excelled standing behind Peyton Manning in Indy. But they all have question marks coming into this season. Addai is on his own now with no capable back alternating reps, James is still in the desert (and just lost a starting offensive tackle for the season), and Rhodes is in the Black Hole splitting reps with LaMont Jordan after he serves a 4 game suspension. These receivers look spotty to me. Driver injured his foot the other night, D-Jizm is always hurt, and Kevin Curtis and Joe Jurevicius both have a chronic case of Caucasianitis. Not good.

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10. Matt Melvin - I can't imagine this scenario. You have Donovan McNabb as your starting quarterback. He's the QB of your favorite NFL team, and you enjoy rooting for him, but at the same time, there's a good chance he misses some time with injuries this season. If that happens, not only is your NFL season screwed, your fantasy season is likely screwed. In fantasy, you need to give yourself a decent contingency plan. So how do you back McNabb up? With Eli Manning, the gayest gay who ever gayed. And he's a Giant. If McNabb goes down for the year, you have to cheer for a wussy Giant. That sounds horrendous. Oh I almost forgot, enjoy watching Ronnie Brown, I nearly dug my corneas out with a gravy ladle when he was on my team last year.

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11. Jordan Yingling - Alexander's a question mark, as is Benson. I think they both could have a monster year, but I also think there's just as good a chance that Alexander figures out Week 3 that his foot never really healed, and Lovie Smith gets tired of Cedric Benson whiffing on blitz protections. Despite the cybersnickering I heard after Kellen Winslow got picked, I think he's due for a good year. The quarterbacks scare me here though. What, Joey Harrington wasn't available? If I were starting the season with Jay Cutler, I'd start begging other owners in the leagues for their unwanted QB's. Which leads me to...

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12. Adam Davis - The fact that Tom Brady will be sitting on the bench Week 1 (barring a trade) is nearly unthinkable. If Peter King knew this, he would hunt you down and kill you with his bare hands. Brady's definitely a top 4 quarterback, but this early in the season, who really wants to tinker with their team bad enough to trade for a second round player? The cost to pry Brady away may be too much for most guys to bite before a few losses pile up. Until then, enjoy your backfield of Chunk (Brandon Jacobs) and Sloth (Chester Taylor). As for your decrepit wide recievers, here's my best advice. Before their games start, dial 9 and 1. When they take their first hit of the game, you dial 1 again.

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I'll be updating these rankings mid-week, every week throughout the NFL season. Feel free to tell my why I'm full of crap in the comments section.

Monday Morning Slobbering Yap: 8/27/07

Walbert goes all in to comment on the Westside FFL and beyond.

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Quick Editor's Note: Monday Morning Slobbering Yap is our hot new feature. I'm leaving 100% of the creative control to our most distinguished journalist friend, Mike Walbert. So from now on, any time you see the MMSY post, it's coming directly from Walbert's fingers to your eyes. Enjoy, you cretins.

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Fellas, here's my take on Peter King's fantastic Monday Morning QB feature. I won't be blogging about "coffeenerdiness" or Eric Gagne sucking. Nope, it'll be so much more fulfilling, I promise! Here goes. And be gentle.
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5 Things I Think I Thought That Were

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1. I think that Kelly Holcomb gets picked up by Week 4, most likely by Jordan. Holcomb will be starting over Tarvaris Jackson by then.

2. I think that Adam's personal nickname (not his drunk carousel of team names) for the season should be Hindenburg. Or 1906 San Francisco Earthquake. Or Gigli ("Rhymes with 'really' "). I've never seen a disaster quite like his drafting strategy this season and we're not even into Week 1 to see the actual results yet.

3. I think I need Yuengling to be distributed in Arizona. Guys, you just don't know how good you have it.

4. I think that Slimmy painted himself into a corner with the Chad Johnson/Hoosh selection. That fateful pairing is right up there with OJ/Nicole Brown Simpson and Cuba Gooding Jr./Horatio Sanz in terms of projected longterm success.

5. I think that after gaining inspiration from the brooding, yet hunky Justin Bobby on "The Hills," I'd like for all of you, my friends, to call me Dylan.

Draft Hangover: The Good, The Bad, The Ugly

I want us all to get these jumpsuits for next year's draft.

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Draft night is in our rear-view mirrors now, and there's only a week and a half until the real NFL season kicks off. The teams are set, and whether you love your team, or hate it, there's little you can do at this point. Let's take one last look back at the draft and pick apart the best and the worst moments.

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THE GOOD

1. Craig's Wide Receivers: Harrison, Owens, and Javon Walker. Set it and forget it. That is a murderer's row.
2. Adam's Quarterbacks: Sure he used his first two picks getting them, but with Peyton and Tom Brady, Adam's going to be listening to a lot of trade offers.
3. Hefty Likes 'Em Young: Marshawn Lynch and Adrian Peterson slip down to the 4th/5th round and get snatched up by the notorious rookie lover/alleged pedophile.
4. Deewaan's Jonesin For The Joneses: Dave grabs brothers Thomas (2nd Round) and Julius (8th Round!!!).
5. Rich's Team: Maroney, Reggie Bush, Larry Fitz, Lee Evans, and even a Vincent Jackson.

THE BAD

1. Adam's Wide Receivers: Ike Bruce, Terry Glenn, and Muhsin Muhammad. All three of them are reliable, but they're also likely to tell World War II stories and lose their dentures on a big hit.
2. Adam's Running Backs: Sorry to pile on you there, Adam, but Brandon Jacobs and Chester Taylor do not win championships.
3. Craig Rolls The Dice: Vince Young went in the 7th Round. First Alexander, now VY. Craig just can't help himself from taking Madden cover athletes. Young could end up being a steal this late, but it's unwise to tempt fate two years in a row.
4. Bill Parcells Calls Them Jap Picks: You guys think you're so sneaky. Terrance Copper (Rd 11), Tony Hunt (13), Vikings D (10), Ricky Williams (15), Ted Ginn (14). Everyone loves a sleeper, but if you're taking one this obscure, you can wait until the last round.
5. Anybody with 2 Defenses or 2 Kickers: Come on now. That's ridiculous.

THE UGLY

1. The World Wide Leader: What the hell, ESPN?! You change our draft time, you blow nearly a quarter of our late round picks, and you don't let our commissioner travel backwards in time to undo draft picks. Go eat a used diaper filled with Indian food.
2. Position Limits: Why can't I take 6 WRs? Why can't I take 3 QBs? Because the guy in the commissioner hat says I can't. Would any of us really had a problem if Davis tried to take another quarterback? That would have been bad for us how?
3. Cyber High-Fives: We HAVE to do this in person next year. No more laptop knee-slappers. And somebody please bring Das Boot. Thanks.
   

Break It Down: The 2007 Pittsburgh Steelers - Chapter 2

After years of controversy and speculation, the long-rumored Gay Muppet finally makes an appearance.

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Editor's Note: In the final pre-draft edition of this blog, we are once again joined by Aaron Repucci who takes us on a week-by-week gondola ride through the upcoming Pittsburgh Steelers season. Take it away, sir.

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STEELER Season Breakdown:

Week 1: @ Cleveland
Please GOD let Brady Quinn start!!! Steelers beat the befuddled browns in an ugly, low scoring affair.
W: 17-6

Week 2: BUFFALO
Losman can’t handle the rowdy home opener crowd. Polamalu sask Losman once hard and helps contain Evans. Steeler’s offense looks a little better.
W: 23-13

Week 3: SAN FRAN
Gore held under 100 yards. Steelers hold up at home.
W: 24-17

Week 4: @ Arizona
Leinart is confused and terrorized by LeBeau’s 3-4 zone blitzing schemes (and from his memories of when we ate at the same Italian restaurant outside of USC). Parker rounds wild….over 150 yards.
W: 31-13

Week 5: SEATTLE
Big game at home. Fans are juiced up on iron city. Alexander is stuffed for under 100 yards. Steelers win in a close one.
W: 21-20

Week 6: BYE
Steelers win one billion to nothing.
Let’s press pause for a moment. I know what you’re thinking…5-0??? I know, I know. Steelers usually open seasons very poorly. But with this opening schedule 5-0 is very doable. I think Tomlin will have his team fired up coming out of the gate.
*Note: These five wins will help earn Tomlin favor and trust in the steel city.

Week 7: @ Denver
Steelers get complacent and rest on their laurels (what is a laurel anyway?). Cutler plays well. Bettis’ asthma acts up again. Steelers turn the ball over in an ugly game…
L: 10 - 24

Week 8: @ Cincy
The black n’ Gold rebound well off of their first loss and stun divisional rivals in their house.
W: 30 – 28

Week 9: BALTIMORE
MacGahee finds tough sledding in the burgh, but Benjamin struggles under the pressure of this big home game. Steelers plagued with turnovers.
L: 13 - 16

Week 10: CLEVELAND
Win….it’s Cleveland.
W: one billion - 0

Week 11: @ ny jets
I just can’t see the jets beating the Steelers.
W: 20 - 17

Week 12: MIAMI (Monday night)
Steelers are good at home on Monday night. Ronnie brown gains like 30 yards. Dan Marino cheers for the Steelers.
W: 27 - 13

Week 13: CINCY
Steelers always struggle with Cincy at home. Cincy gets revenge for the beating at home earlier in the season
L: 30 - 17

Week 14: @ New England
Steelers win! Why? Because upsets happen. Steelers have the tools to win big games. And because Tom brady is a tool. The Pats lose 4 games this year…one loss comes from the Steelers…in their house!
W: 27-24

Week 15: JACKSONVILLE
Steelers ALWAYS struggle against the Jags. Steelers lose coming off of the big win against the patties.
L: 17-16

Week 16: @ St. Louis (Thursday)
NFC sucks. Steelers 3-4 contains Jackson. Big Ben looking really sharp at this point in the season.
W: 27-24

Week 17: @ Baltimore
This is the battle for AFC North title. Both teams come in with 11-4 records. Steelers struggle under the pressure of the title game and can’t handle Baltimore D in Baltimore’s house. Low scoring, defensive struggle, but the baltimore birdies come out on top and take the division.
L: 20-16

SEASON: 11-5
Steelers grab a wild card spot!!

Break It Down: The 2007 Pittsburgh Steelers - Chapter 1

BLACK COWHER!!!!! BLACK COWHER!!!!!

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Editor's Note: Today we have a special guest author, Aaron Repucci, who will walk us through the storylines behind the 2007 Steelers. This is part 1 of a 2 part series.

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STEELERS ’07: 99 Problems but Champion Beer Pong Representatives Aren’t 1

Steelers come in to the 2007 season with so many ????’s. Sure, no one has crashed an auto bike, but the replacement of the steel city’s beloved kordell kissing coach, Bill Cowher, is enough to have everyone’s panties in collective bunches. Not to mention the fact that the iron makers are coming off of a mistake filled, disappointing 8-8 season. Plus…who’s that big headed guy with overall’s running around in the stands creeping everyone out??? That creeper mascot is gonna be the sole cause of at least 6 roethlisberger INT’s.

But anyways…let’s get down to business…

Q1. TOMLIN, TOMLIN, TOMLIN…oh yeah…and ARIANS?????

Umm….mom…where’s bill cowher?? What is that really tan fellow doing with a headset on??? Mom??!!! Over 15 memorable seasons, steeler fans grew to trust cowher with their hearts, lives, children, prescription drugs and football team….and then he breaks our hearts and leaves…

Enter stage right, mike tomlin, walking on his own two legs all fat and cocky. With zero years as a head coach, no one is really sure how Tomlin will hold up. Early reports out of camp look good. ESPN reported that Tomlin is holding one of the most physical camps in the NFL and making a point to let players know that this is HIS team now….that he is the alpha male. Mental warfare tactics include Tomlin dressing in all black outfits…long sleeved, long panted…so that no player can complain that it’s “too hot.” That’s what I like to hear, especially if the steelers want to maintain their rep as a hard nose, smash mouth fball team.

While this seems all well and good, what worries me more is the implementation of a new offense and sort of a new defense. Arians (scary right off the bat cuz his name sounds like he want to make a perfect human) intends to stretch the offense out and open things up a bit. GULP. This is scary…(more on this in Q2). But let’s just say that the offense has looked way less than stellar in the preseason.

Reports out of camp are that LeBeau’s frickin’ awesome zone blitzing schemes are being “blended” with Tomlin’s “Tampa 2” style of defense (don’t forget he was a defensive coordinator before this). While these two defensive master minds could create an amazing mutant beast of an attacking, killer defensive…they also might create something that’s just flat out too complicated or confusing. I hope it’s the mutant beast. But it sure would be funny to see larry foote and marvin Harrison running around in circles with their hands in the air while the stereotypical circus clown music plays in the background…yeah…go ahead…picture that one in your head.

Q2. BIG BEN? Or ACCIDENT BEN?

Big Ben went from a few mistake QB to a mistakeful QB in one season. Let’s look at the stats…’05 Season – 9 INT’s…..’06 Season - TWENTY THREE frickin’ INT’s. While I do think that B Roth will improve upon his ’06 #’s regardless of the offensive scheme, I think he fit perfectly in the to steelers ’05 scheme which relied heavily on the run and just needed him to convert 3rd and longs (which he did very well) and to NOT TURNOVER the ball. An Arian run offense looking to stretch out the offense and put more emphasis on the passing game might not be the best fit for Mr. Benjamin?????

Q3. STEELY MCBEAM??? McWTF???

I got nothin…Steeler’s head office just made the Steelers into the laughing stock of the nation…I have no defense for these shenanigans. It is just outright awful. Will STEELY destroy the team? Maybe…just maybe…

Q4. PARKER’s GROIN?

While I like Barlow and Najeh (g@yest name ever…say it slow and with a deep voice…you’ll see) as back ups, Steelers success is largely dependent on Willie Parker. I think he has the goods to deliver. But the question is…can he keep his goods healthy?

Q5. PORTER GONE? EMOTIONAL LEADER? MATT FOOLEY (rip)??

Porter lost some of his edge last year. So while I don’t think the Steelers will miss his play too much, I think they will miss his emotional leadership. Who will step up and be the heart of the D??

Q6. DOES MANIMAL HAVE A WOLVERINE-ESQUE HEALING FACTOR?

Polamalu wasn’t the same last year. This man beast with a terrifying black mane straight from the depths of hades was feared in the ’05 season. But a concussed head and knee ligamental problems took the bite out of this tiger in ’06. His return to altered beast status will be directly linked to the success of Pittsburgh’s D in 2007.
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Q99. DOES BAYLOR PUNTER SEPULVEDA LIKE PUPPIES???

This one speaks for itself and will be pivotal for a successful steeler season.



SEASON BREAKDOWN COMING SOON……..

Can We Please Draft So I Have Something To Blog About?

I bet you can't guess which letters I did myself!!!

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I posted this in recognition of the Brothers Davis, who were recently called out on their lack of quality team names. Well, they changed them alright. To even less funny or comprehensible names.

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Lil Jon Denver's Skeet Chuters?????

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Hawaii McLovin?????????

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I would like to open up the comments section below to see if we can't come up with two new names for the Daviseses because this is getting sad. I'll get the ball rolling, and you guys add on. Hopefully we can come up with two winners.

Is It Sunday Night Yet?

This video has something for everyone. Steelers highlights for the Yinzers, and a menacing transvestite for the rest of us.

Mock Lobster: Shawn Hussein (Pick #12)

It seems like he'd score more touchdowns on his feet, but I'm only a stupid blogger. What do I know?!

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Mock Draft Pick #12: Shawn Hussein selects Reggie Bush, RB, NO

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2006 Rushing Stats: 155 carries, 565 yards, 6 touchdowns

2006 Receiving Stats: 88 catches, 742 yards, 2 touchdowns

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When fate, destiny, and Bucks Run Dryer #4 hand you the twelfth pick, you've got to make lemonade. So it makes sense to try to hit a homerun with a guy like Reggie Bush over a less talented, yet more proven, commodity. And Reggie Bush is certainly a homerun threat. It's pretty amazing that for 88 catches, he only had two touchdowns to show for it. A quick glance at last year's stats show that of all players to catch at least 70 passes, Reggie actually had the fewest receiving touchdowns. (Look at that, I did real research!!!) And a player with Reggie Bush's open field ability should easily be able to correct that in 2007. With another 75 catches, he should be able to turn at least 5 of them into touchdowns this year, and I imagine he'll pick up another 5 on the ground. His rushing yardage should also improve, as he had a vastly better yards per carry over the final 8 games of 2006. Overall, Bush is well worth the risk of being a first round pick, even though he won't be the only running back in New Orleans getting time.

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Just be sure to grab Deuce McAllister with pick #13, Shawn. Play it safe.

Mock Lobster: Rich Ely (Pick #11)

Good sir, I applaud you on a flawless Heisman pose.

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Mock Draft Pick #11: Rich Ely selects Rudi Johnson, RB, Cin

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2006 Rushing Stats: 341 carries, 1309 yards, 12 touchdowns

2005 Rushing Stats: 337 carries, 1458 yards, 12 touchdowns

2004 Rushing Stats: 361 carries, 1454 yards, 12 touchdowns

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Do you like running backs who rush for exactly 12 touchdowns in a season? If so, this is your pick. Look at Rudi's totals for the past three years again. That's almost statistically impossible. The man is a damn cyborg. So who do I allocate him to? Of course it would be Rich Ely, our league's resident Japanese-American. Listen, the Japanese are a wonderful, industrious people, but sometimes they get a little boring on us. Honda, Toyota, Nissan, they're all fine automobiles. But they'll all do exactly the same thing: get good gas mileage, drive for 225,000 miles, and then fall apart. You know exactly what you're getting the second you buy it. There's no surprises. Basically, you're buying Rudi Johnson. So while I've just made what seems to be my tenth borderline racist remark of the preseason towards Asians, what I'm really trying to say, is that he's got himself a sweet new Nissan to drive around for the next five months.

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And if you really need a reason to think I'm racist, head over to All Look Same, fire up "Smiley Faces" by Gnarls Barkley, and take Exam 1: Faces.

Mock Lobster: Matt Melvin (Pick #10)

This picture and an empty bottle of Crown Royal are the only reminders I have that the Eagles actually made the Super Bowl in my lifetime.

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Mock Draft Pick #10: Matt Melvin selects Brian Westbrook, RB, Phi

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2006 Rushing Stats: 240 carries, 1217 yards, 7 touchdowns

2006 Receiving Stats: 77 catches, 699 yards, 4 touchdowns

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At this point in the mock draft, the next few guys off the board are pretty much going to give you the same thing. So if you're an Eagles fan, why not just take the guy you can watch 16 games a year and actually get excited when he gets in the end zone? Not that Westbrook's stats are pedestrian. His 11 touchdowns and 1900 total yard effort in '06 was easily the best of his career. In fact, prior to 2006, Westbrook had never gotten over 200 carries in a season, and never put up 1000 yards rushing. But what he lacks in carries, he'll often repay you catching the ball. The Eagles, despite the argument from local radio kingpin Howard Eskin, are notorious for throwing far more often than they run, even when they have a game in hand. That's actually one of the few drawbacks to owning Westbrook and being an Eagles fan. When the Eagles are up 27-10, you want to see Westbrook carrying the ball, padding his stats, not 5 yard outs to Matt Schobel. But I digress. Westbrook is certainly a top-10 fantasy talent, and as long as he and McNabb can stay healthy, he should perform to expectations. One new area of concern for 2007 is the presence of our boy Tony Hunt, who may end up cleaning up around the goal line and stealing some of the Eagles' rushing TD opportunities. I'd look for another 1600+ yard season from Brian, with maybe 8-9 touchdowns sprinkled in.

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And if he stinks this year, I'll go through a couple extra bottles of Crown Royal. It's a win-win!

Mock Lobster: Craig Fritz (Pick #9)

It's the greatest job in all of sports; lining up directly behind Tom Brady's firm, tight, glutes; listening intently for his approval to come charging towards him; and bursting towards the hole as your eyes finally meet. If it were me, I'd weep after every single play.
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Mock Draft Pick #9: Craig Fritz selects Laurence Maroney, RB, NE

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2006 Rushing Stats: 175 carries, 745 yards, 6 touchdowns

2006 Receiving Stats: 22 catches, 194 yards, 1 touchdown

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Laurence Maroney had a solid rookie year, learning the ropes from Corey Dillon, who has since retired. New England's offense has undergone a major overhaul this offseason, welcoming in the likes of Randy Moss, Donte Stallworth, and Wes Welker. The Patriots look phenomenal on paper this season, which could mean a lot of early leads and second half carries for Maroney. Laurence is currently nursing injuries but is on track for a return by opening day. As an added bonus, Maroney has also gained an incredible amount of popularity on the internet for his coining of the phrase "construda", which can best be documented on Kissing Suzy Kolber. I would expect Laurence to greatly improve on his yardage totals now that he's a one man show in the backfield, but the amount of weapons Tom Brady has to work with could ultimately limit his touchdowns.

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Fun fact: Laurence Maroney's areola hair is also dreadlocked, making him a perfect fit on Craig's roster.

Mock Lobster: Adam Davis (Pick #8)

Cut that meat!

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Mock Draft Pick #8: Adam Davis selects Peyton Manning, QB, Ind

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2006 Passing Statistics: 362 completions, 4397 yards, 31 touchdowns

2006 Rushing Statistics: 23 carries, 36 yards, 4 touchdowns

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Adam was already the most likely guy to take Peyton Manning in the first round, but having the eigth pick pretty much sealed the deal. It's right about the cutoff point where most of the sure fire backs are off the board, so Manning would be a pretty good value pick here. Manning has never missed a start as an NFL quarterback, which is an amazing statement in itself. In fact, while you were reading that last sentence, Donovan McNabb tore both his triceps and pulled a quad. Manning is also extremely consistent. He's never thrown for fewer than 26 touchdowns in a season, and holds the NFL single season record for tossing 49 TD's in 2004. Manning is a goofy bastard, there's no arguing that, but by the time he retires, there's a good chance he could be remembered as the greatest quarterback to play the game. With the usual suspects (Marvin Harrison, Reggie Wayne, Dallas Clark) still around in the passing game, plus first round pick Anthony Gonzalez, there's no reason to expect anything else out of Peyton but another league leading season.

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And if the situation called for it, he'd kill a snitch.

Mock Lobster: Mike Walbert (Pick #7)

When you think Indianapolis Colts, you think Ben Utecht.

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Mock Draft Pick #7: Mike Walbert selects Ben Utecht, TE, Ind (and definitely not Joseph Addai, RB, Ind)

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Ben Utecht 2006 Receiving Stats: 37 catches, 377 yards, 0 touchdowns

Joseph Addai 2006 Rushing Stats: 226 carries, 1081 yards, 7 touchdowns

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If you look at the above numbers, it's a no brainer that you'd want to pick Ben Utecht at #7. Not Joseph Addai. While Addai may have had a great rookie year splitting carries with Dominic Rhodes, who has since left for Oakland, you'd be crazy to pick him seventh overall. Most scouts agree that Utecht is the key player to watch in this dynamic Indianapolis offense. Sure, Joseph Addai may have put up 143 yards in a breakout Super Bowl performance, but Ben Utecht caught 1 pass for 8 yards in the same game. That's nothing to sneeze at. Utecht also caught 18 passes for first downs last season, and that means Peyton Manning will look his way early and often next year. And as long as Manning is throwing to Utecht, he certainly won't be handing off to Addai. No, there's almost no reason at all to mention Joseph Addai in this preview of Mike's selection, who I'm 99.9% sure will be Ben Utecht.

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Unless he takes Joseph Addai instead.

Mock Lobster: Jordan Yingling (Pick #6)

Frank's brother, former Vice President Al Gore, hot on the trail of Manbearpig.

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Mock Draft Pick #6: Jordan Yingling selects Frank Gore, RB, SF

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2006 Rushing Stats: 312 carries, 1695 yards, 8 touchdowns

2006 Receiving Stats: 61 catches, 485 yards, 1 touchdown

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Frank Gore is a beast between the 20's. In the red zone, though, not so much. In 2oo6, Frank piled up close to 2200 total yards, and had only 9 touchdowns to show for it. After two consecutive drives on which he failed to punch it in from 1st and Goal from the 1 against the Eagles last year, Frank began losing carries to our boy, Michael Robinson. To become an elite fantasy running back, Frank will need to show more toughness punching it in at the goal line. The 49ers made an effort at improving their offense this year, bringing in Darrell Jackson from the rival Seattle Seahawks, which should help stretch the field. The continuing progression of tight end Vernon Davis and quarterback Alex Smith should also help keep defenses from stacking the line of scrimmage to stop the run. Another 2200 yard season may be a stretch, but Gore should put up at least a baker's dozen touchdowns this year in an improved offense.

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By the way, Manbearpigs would be an awesome fantasy team name. Feel free to use it. No need to thank me for the suggestion.

Mock Lobster: Aaron Repucci (Pick #5)

My fiancee shows how she got the nickname "Black Cock Moan".

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Mock Draft Pick #5: Aaron Repucci selects Willie Parker, RB, Pit

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2006 Rushing Stats: 337 carries, 1494 yards, 13 touchdowns

2006 Receiving Stats: 31 catches, 222 yards, 3 touchdowns

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This is the easiest projection for me so far. There's absolutely no way that Aaron uses the #5 pick on anybody other than Fast Willie. Aaron would likely start a roster of all Steelers if it were feasible, but this will suit him just fine. Willie flourished in his first season without Jerome Bettis, averaging 107 yards and 1 touchdown per game. With a healthier Ben Roethlisberger this year, the Steelers offense should have an extra spark that was missing last year, leading to even more scoring chances for Willie. If there's any reason to worry about Parker, it's the fact that the Steelers play Baltimore twice every year. Willie has never scored against the Ravens, and in two games last year, he was only able to rack up 51 total rushing yards. Parker will also have to adjust to a new scheme, with new head coach Mike Tomlin taking over. Some expect that Tomlin will open up the passing attack more than Bill Cowher ever did, but an offense that moves the ball well will still create plenty of scoring chances for Willie.

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Now get the hell off my future wife, you asshole.

Mock Lobster: Shelby Fidler (Pick #4)

Shaun Alexander celebrates at his New Year's Eve party, happy to finally have 2006 behind him.

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Mock Draft Pick #4: Shelby Fidler selects Shaun Alexander, RB, Sea

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2006 Rushing Stats: 252 carries, 896 yards, 7 touchdowns

2005 Rushing Stats: 370 carries, 1880 yards, 27 touchdowns
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Shaun Alexander had an extremely dissapointing 2006 season, mostly due to a fractured bone in his foot which caused him to miss 6 games. Even when healthy, though, he didn't show any of the ability that made him the single season touchdown record holder just one year earlier. He averaged 1.5 fewer yards per carry in '06 than he did in '05 and scored 20 fewer touchdowns on the ground. Who knows the exact reason for Shaun's struggles last year? Maybe it was the loss of All-Pro guard Steve Hutchinson to Minnesota. Maybe it was the Madden Jinx claiming yet another victim. Or maybe, it was the Craig Fritz #1 Pick Jinx. Either way, Alexander's 2006 season seems to be merely a blip on the radar of what has been a phenomenal career. While other running backs on the board at #4 may have the potential to achieve Alexander's 2005 numbers, it seems Alexander will have the most motivation to return to form and put up a solid 2007 season.

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Shaun Alexander is anxiously waiting in the green room practicing his Teabag Dipping technique. Don't let him down, Shelby.

Mock Lobster: Paul Davis (Pick #3)

Chiefs tight end Jason Dunn was choked and beaten minutes after this picture was taken. Sadly, that's just how LJ says thank you for a BJ.

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Mock Draft Pick #3: Paul Davis selects Larry Johnson, RB, KC.

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2006 Rushing Stats: 416 carries, 1789 yards, 17 touchdowns

2006 Recieving Stats: 41 catches, 410 yards, 2 touchdowns

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The big knock on Larry Johnson right now is that he carried the ball an NFL-record 416 times last season. But when combined with his 41 catches, he had 457 touches. Compare that with Steven Jackson's numbers from last year (436 total touches), and that number actually doesn't scare me. What does scare me is the quarterback/offensive line situation in Kansas City. I watch a fair amount of NFL football, and I'm not entirely sure I could pick Brodie Croyle or Damon Huard out of a police lineup. Making matters worse, 12 time Pro Bowl guard Will Shields retired this offseason, which may make the holes a little tighter on the offensive line. And while LJ performed well with Trent Green out of the lineup last year, I just think it's asking too much to have him shoulder the load of the offense for an entire year. Having said all this, Larry, like Priest Holmes before him in Kansas City, is a touchdown fiend, and he will find the end zone one way or the other. I predict the yardage totals fall, but the touchdowns stay right around the same level.

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One more note of concern: Larry has made it known that he will not report to "Stacy Mack 4 Pres" until Paul changes his super lame team name.

Mock Lobster: Dave Wanner (Pick #2)

Steven Jackson celebrates another trip to the endzone!!!

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Mock Draft Pick #2: Dave Wanner selects Steven Jackson, RB, StL.

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2006 Rushing Stats: 346 carries, 1528 yards, 13 touchdowns

2006 Receiving Stats: 90 catches, 806 yards, 3 touchdowns
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After LT comes off the board, there's not much dispute about who's the next best talent in this draft. Jackson is 24 years old and is coming off a season where he put up 2300 total yards and 16 total touchdowns. Those kind of numbers are awesome, and considering he's gotten better each of his first three years in the league, this is one of the safest picks in the draft. I would imagine that Jackson's yardage totals stay about the same, but he's got the potential to be a 20+ total touchdown guy. Jackson has only missed two games due to an injury, and that was in his 2004 rookie year.

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Steven Jackson, you may now feel free to Dangle your Ding Dong!

Park The Porpoise!!!

Kal Penn and a little person execute a near-perfect "Double Fishhook". Don't forget to get those pinkies in Kal's mouth, wee man!!!

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True Story: The runner up for my fantasy team name this year was the Kal Penn Quakers. Apparently the only team names I find humorous are those that could double as "Before And After" puzzles on Wheel of Fortune. In the end though, I went with Chicago Bear Grylls, choosing a football relevant name, while still paying homage to the badassery of Mr. Grylls. However, with all the allegations popping up that Man vs. Wild is about as real as the WWE, I've grown uncomfortable with my choice of team name. Now a part of me wishes I had gone the route of Kal.
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The whole point of that intro, though, is to take a look at some of the team names around our league and try to figure out which ones are good for a chuckle, and which ones should be chucked. Let's begin!

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Craig Fritz: Hairy Areolas - This blog generally pokes fun at the leadership of our dear old Commish, but speaking from the heart, this name is just dynamite. It rolls off the tongue, it comes complete with a stomach churning picture, and it's fun to picture little kids cheering for this team. Well done. 5/5 Blog-stars for the Craigger.

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Mike Walbert: Bisbee Ball Maulers - A quick google search showed me that Bisbee is a town in Arizona, and since Mikey lives out in the desert, I appreciate the geographical reference. As for Ball Maulers, it's certainly innovative. I can't say I've ever had anybody threaten to maul my balls before, but I imagine it would leave them black and blue. Let's put up a picture though instead of a 'B', I'm a visual learner. 4/5 Blog-stars.

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Matt Melvin: Vick Loves The Baha Men - Groan. If there's anything worse than a Michael Vick reference, it's an obscure Michael Vick reference that involves one of the worst songs of all time. This name was likely created while reading a similar post on ProFootballTalk.com, which is where he got his picture of youngsters with dog heads photoshopped on. Jonny no likey. 0/5 Blog-stars.

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Aaron Repucci: Team Punterz n' Coaches - OK. This one's decent. I always like a well placed 'z' where an 's' belongs. It adds an edge. And the punters and coaches name does a good job of mocking Craig, which is just bonus points. Good Kapinos picture too, which boosts this up a notch. 4/5 Blog-stars.

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Adam Davis: Chisley's Chopping Blocks - Um, I want to like this one. It sounds tough. The guy in Davis's picture looks tough. But I don't know what any of these things are. Who is Chisley? LaVon Chisley? Ang took a look at the picture and said she thought it was the Napoleon Dynamite guy. I didn't have an answer one way or the other. 2/5 Blog-stars awarded solely on potential.

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Jordan Yingling: License to Kim Jong Il - Ok, I had a hand in this one (it meets my Before and After Wheel of Fortune joke criteria). I think it's funny that Jordan would go ahead with this one whilst dating a Korean gal. It shows chutzpa. And it also gives a shout-out to one of the best rap albums of all time. No picture though. Fix that, please. 4/5 Blog-stars.

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Rich Ely: Jabroc Junk Jabbers - A quick Google search shows that Jabroc is a densified wood laminate. I believe it may be one of his vendors at Sikorsky, but I can't be too sure. As for Junk Jabbers, it borders on infringement of Ball Maulers, but I like that Rich has looked for a new spin on an old classic. A Junk Jabber would likely just give you those pestering ball flicks that don't really hurt, but at the same time, they're annoying and make you walk around with your hands cupping your manhood any time you're in the vacinity of the Junk Jabber. You also need a picture. 3/5 Blog-stars.

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Shawn Hussein: The Canadian Cripplers - Ang made a horrified face and said "Oh my God, he's sick..."when I explained this one to her. Since I know that was your original intent, I guess you've succeeded. And for that, I award you full credit. 5/5 Blog-stars.

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Paul Davis: Stacy Mack 4 Pres - Swing and a miss. The Davis brothers fall into a cavernous 0-2 hole. 0/5 Blog-stars.

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Dave Wanner: Delaware Ding Dong Danglers - The rare 4 word alliteration is worth a few stars on its own. Add in the topical homosexual reference, coupled with a picture horrifying enough to get you instantly fired if you're looking at Dave's roster for trade scenarios, and we're golden here. 5/5 Blog-stars.

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Shelby Fidler: Pocket T-Bags - It's another Before And After Wheel of Fortune joke!! I love those!! This is pretty good, even though I remember Kurt was the Lipton Tea Baggers a few years back. Also, teabagging's always a funny mental image, so I'm on board here. 4/5 Blog-stars.

Break It Down: The 2007 Penn State Nittany Lions - Chapter 3

Craig's crystal ball says PSU is going to the Tostitos Fiesta Bowl.

If that's true, I'm definitely wearing/eating a nacho hat during the game.

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Editor's Note: The following is the next installment of the PSU 2007 season preview. Once again, our sherpa through the Happy Valley is none other than Kaiser Craig von Fritz.

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PSU Game by Game Predictions – By the Commander

#18 PSU vs. Florida International – Sept 1, 12pm, Big Ten Network (BTN) – The Golden Panthers come to town following a remarkable 0-12 season that was made even worse by a high publicized brawl with cross-town foe Miami. They gave up an average of 300 yds/game. Expect more of the same when they visit the Beav. The Lions light it up early and often.

PSU 40 FIU 6

#18 PSU vs. Notre Dame – Sept 8 – , 6pm, ESPN – The Golden Domers visit Happy Valley for the first time in over a decade in one of the most anticipated match-ups of the young season. The Lions will be hungry for revenge after facing a 41-17 whipping at the hands of Fat Charlie and Co. in 2006. The tables are turned now, however. The Irish lost their top QB, RB and top 3 WRs. A work-in-progress offense will find scoring difficult against a stout Nittany Lions defense. Though their running game is formidable, ND’s turnstile at the QB position will limit them through the air. Expect a raucous crowd for a game that might break the all-time attendance record at Beaver Stadium. ND keeps it close until the 3rd, but a costly turnover helps the Lions win going away.

PSU 31 ND 18

#16 PSU vs. Buffalo – Sept 15, 12pm, BTN – The Bulls managed a paltry two victories last season and one came in overtime against fellow cellar dweller, Temple. Likely the worst defense the Lions will face all year gave up 390 yds/game and 56 touchdowns a year ago. I expect the 2nd and 3rd teamers for the Lions to get significant playing time in this contest. The final will never be in doubt.

PSU 52 UB 3

#16 PSU @ #5 Michigan – Sept 22, TBA, ABC/ESPN – The Lions return to their personal house of horrors where even the invincible will of Michael Robinson bowed to the mighty Wolverines. PSU is 3-9 against Michigan since joining the Big10, losing the last 8 games in a row. Many are touting UM as a contender for the national championship, and they certainly have the weapons to be right there. The question mark remains the defense. A team that was exposed at the end of last season and lost three major playmakers in Lamar Woodley, Leon Hall and Alan Branch has large holes to fill. Linebacker Sean Crable is a beast, but can be contained. The game will be won or lost in the trenches were the Nit’s young defensive line will have to contend with a Wolverines offensive line that features future first round pick, Jake Long. PSU has chances late, but can’t dig out of the hole made during the first three quarters.

PSU 18 UM 24

#21 PSU @ Illinois – Sept 29, TBA (BTN likely) – The spunky Illni put a scare into the Lions last year at Beaver Stadium. Not the case this year. Even with all-everything QB Juice Williams and highly regarded freshman wideout Arrilious Benn, the Lions put the game away early in the 3rd quarter. Williams’ erratic nature and poor decision making won’t fair well against PSU’s ball-hawking secondary. The defense leads the charge by forcing three turnovers.

PSU 31 Ill 17

#18 PSU vs. Iowa – Oct 6, TBA (ESPN2 likely) – The Hawkeyes rotate back on to PSU’s schedule after two years away. They couldn’t have picked a worse time to be breaking in a new quarterback and new wide receivers. Iowa suffered through their worst season in some time winning only two conference games while posting embarrassing losses against Minnesota, Indiana and Northwestern. Expect a more cohesive and tough unit this year, but it’s still not enough to come into the Beav and walk out with a win. Kirk Ferentz has owned JoePa in recent years, but Joe gets back with a vengeance in 2007.

PSU 24 Iowa 13

#16 PSU vs. #4 Wisconsin – Oct 13, 3:30pm, ABC (Homecoming) – This is a game that will likely determine if the Nittany Lions are going to be BCS bowling or be headed back to Florida for another showdown with a mid-level SEC team. The Badgers far exceeded expectations a year ago by going 12-1 and beating Arkansas in the Capital One Bowl. They return 18 starters including RB sensation P.J. Hill who became the fifth Badger freshman to break the 1,000 yd mark. However, the players the lost will be difficult to replace. Offensive lineman Joe Thomas left as the #3 overall pick of the Cleveland Browns. UW also lost 3-year starting QB John Stocco. Though he leaves the reigns of the offense in the capable hands of 5th-year senior Tyler Donovan, he will be difficult to replace. If the Lions are able to shut down Hill, they should be able to come away with a victory. Expect this to be the most physical game the Lions play all season.

PSU 16 UW 13

#8 PSU @ Indiana – Oct 20, TBA (BTN likely) – The Hoosiers are back on the schedule after a two-year hiatus. Devastated by the loss of coach Terry Hoeppner to cancer, IU will have a tough time hitting it’s stride against the upper-tier of the Big10. The Hoosiers so some fight, but turnovers and lack of athletes show by mid-way through the 2nd half. Morelli puts up big numbers against an out-gunned secondary.

PSU 44 IU 20

#8 PSU vs. # 13 Ohio State – Oct 27, 8pm, ABC – This emerging rivalry often favors the home team, so it’s a good thing the game is in State College. The Buckeyes are coming off a run to the national championship game, but have major holes to fill. Gone are top offensive producers Troy Smith, Ted Ginn, Antonio Pittman and Anthony Gonzales. Significant losses on the DLine also leave much in doubt. By this point in the season, the Lion’s D will be clicking on all cylinders. Look for the front seven to harass yet another new QB coming into Beaver Stadium. If Penn State can keep stud RB Chris Wells in check, the Bucks will be in for a long night.

PSU 26 OSU 19

#6 PSU vs. Purdue – Nov 3, TBA (ESPN2/BTN) – Penn State shut down Purdue’s gimmick offense a year ago in West Lafayette. While they won’t earn a shutout, expect more of the same from the Lions. Meanwhile, the Boilermaker’s defense is simply terrible and gave up over 400 yds/game a season ago, ranking in the bottom 20 of the entire NCAA. After a tough end of September and October, this game is a nice start to the last month of the season. Look for Austin Scott to go over 1,000 yds for the season in this game.

PSU 38 Pur 14

#6 PSU @ Temple – Nov 10, TBA (BTN likely) – The Owls were Penn State’s second shutout victim a year ago. Unfortunately for Temple fans and coach Al Golden, 2007 holds more of the same. Temple will be a MAC team this year, but still have less than 4 wins to show for their move to a lower conference 3 years after getting kicked out of the Big East. Look for the Lions to score early and often in this game being played at Lincoln Financial Field in Philadelphia. It’s over by halftime and we all go to Atlantic City for strippers and blackjack.

PSU 52 Temple 9

#6 PSU @ Michigan State – Nov 17, TBA (ESPN/ESPN2 likely) – PSU rolls into East Lansing having taken the last three games from the Spartans in convincing fashion. Though new coach Mark Dantonio brings new enthusiasm to the MSU faithful, they simply lack the athletes to run with Penn State. This game will be closer than it should be, but the Lions wrap up their 2nd Big10 Conference title in 3 years by closing out Sparty late.

PSU 27 MSU 21

#6 PSU vs. #7 Auburn – Jan 2, 8pm, FOX – After tying with Wisconsin for the Big10 crown, PSU gets bumped out of the Rose Bowl to the desert to play the Auburn Tigers in the Fiesta Bowl. Penn State’s first trip to Arizona since thumping Tennessee in 1992 brings two teams with very similar make-ups. Both sport experienced, senior quarterbacks and both have athletic fast defenses. This one comes down to turnovers and the Lions prevail in that battle as they have all season. Justin King announces his early entry in the NFL draft days after the bowl.

PSU 28 AU 25

Final record: 12-1
Final ranking: #4

LaDainia-Mania!!!!

L.T. thanks God for allowing him to play on my team this season.

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Pop the champagne (of beers) and cue the Wolfmother!!!! With the first pick in the 2007 Fantasy Draft, Chicago Bear Grylls selects...

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This is awesome. I don't just mean the whole first pick thing. That could honestly be a mixed bag. You don't get to pick again until #24, and by that point, you're probably taking Tatum Bell as your second running back. So while it will be neat to have the number 1 pick in the draft, it in no way ensures a championship.

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No, dear readers, what IS awesome is that now I can safely do a mock draft of the first round here on the blog. Since I have no strategic reasons to withhold my projected pick, that means I can put up 11 more posts on who you knuckleheads should take, and who, for some stupid reason, you will take. For that, I am most grateful.

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Anybody want to make this a keeper league?? Just throwing it out there.

The Grand Unveiling: 2007 Laundry Lottery

May the Maytag Man find favor with your sock.

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It's done.

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It's finally done. After all your patience, the 2007 Westside Village FFL Laundry Lottery is now available to be seen on the YouTube.
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Click on the link below to see the magic. NOTE: Some language may not be work-appropriate. Sorry about that. You can probably get the same effect without the sound though.

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Break It Down: The 2007 Penn State Nittany Lions - Chapter 2

At least Drew Brees turned out to be a good NFL player!

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Editor's Note: Back by popular demand, the Craigmissioner is back with part deux of the PSU season preview. Once again, he's chasing down the scoop on our Nittany Lions, with today's piece focusing on the defense. Maybe one of these days he'll actually do a game-by-game break down like I asked him to do in the first place. Or maybe not! Enjoy.

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PSU Defensive Season Preview – By the Commander


Now that we’ve covered the offense surrounding Joe Paterno’s 42nd campaign, let’s have a look at the defense.

Tom Bradley has silenced critics that emerged during the dark years of Penn State and fielded his 3rd nasty defense in a row last season. This year figures to be more of the same with a unique combination of youth and experience highlighting this year’s unit.

Key losses: - Paul Posluzny, LB, 2nd round pick of the Buffalo Bills (34th overall) left dear old state as the all-time leader in tackles. He was a two-time All-American and the first junior captain at PSU since 1967. What he lacked in physical ability, he made up for with pure instincts and supreme football knowledge. It’s never easy to replace a player that will go down as a top 5 all-time linebacker at Linebacker U. Look for a three-way battle between RS Fr Navarro Bowman, RS So Jerome Hayes and RS Junior Tyrell Sales to fill the third LB position.

The Defensive Line: Jay Alford (3rd round pick, New York Giants); Tim Shaw (5th round pick, Carolina Panthers); and Ed Johnson anchored a line that finished second in the Big 10 in sacks and caused havoc for opposing QBs and RBs all season with 30 tackles-for-loss. All three will be difficult to replace.

Key Retunees: - Dan Connor, SR, MLB, will shift inside and take over for Posluzny. This is a similar move to Posluzny moving inside for ’06. The difference is Dan’s natural position is at the middle backer spot. Connor is only 98 tackles away from breaking Paul’s tackle record just a year later. Barring injury, he should easily pass it having amassed 113 stops in 2006. Look for Connor to be named a captain as one of only 5 seniors on the entire squad. He’s on the watch list for just about every major defensive award out there.

Sean Lee, JR, OLB, continues his own assault on the Penn State record books. He totaled 90 tackles as a sophomore and filled in admirably for an injured Posluzny in the 2006 Orange Bowl against Florida State. Lee is fast and aggressive and will be a force both rushing the passer and dropping into coverage. His one interception last year was a doozy, as he dove out of bounds to snare a ball and still kept both feet in play. Look for Lee to be all over the field this fall.

Maurice Evans, SO, DE, got a ton of PT last year as a freshman. Added weight and a non-stop motor will make him tough to stop. He anchors a defensive line fraught with massive talent and relatively little experience. The season could hinge on the young line’s ability to disrupt the QB. Expect major contributions from RS Jr Josh Gaines (DE) and sophomores Abe Koroma (DT); Phil Taylor (DT); Ollie Ogbu (DT); Jared Odrick (DT); Aaron Maybin (DE); and Tom McEowen (DT).

Nearly the entire secondary is back, highlighted by future 1st round draft pick Justin King. Though he only had one interception, King shut down three All-American receivers last year in Ted Ginn, Jr., Robert Meachem and Jeff Samardzija, allowing them each just over 39 yds/game. Along with King, cornerback Tony Davis returns and shifts to the safety position vacated by graduated Donnie Johnson. Sophomore AJ Wallace, an ace in the return game and explosive offensive threat takes over at left cornerback. Free Safety, Anthony Scirrotto returns a year after leading the Big 10 in interceptions with six. Though his future with the team is somewhat in question following an off-season, off-campus brawl, Scirotto will play until his legal status changes. His trial date is tentatively scheduled for October, though the Centre County DA has had trouble coming up with a solid case against Anthony. Cornerbacks Lydell Sergeant, Willie Harriot, Knowledge Timmons and Devin Fentress will vie for the nickelback role.

Defense returning starters: 6

Get To Know Your Leaguemates: Jon

The editor of this fine blog wishes to remain anonymous.

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Jon's Fast Facts:

1. A quick count of the publications around my apartment reveals that there are two fantasy football magazines. It also reveals that there are SIXTEEN bridal magazines. So if for any reason, I draft Vera Wang with my first pick, you'll know what went wrong.
   
2. I have been actively involved in fantasy football since 1998. In several of those years, I was in two leagues. In 2005 and 2006, I was in three leagues. I have never, ever, won a championship. A rough estimate makes me about 0-17 lifetime. I am officially the Chicago Cubs of Fantasy Football.
   
3. I have severe cat allergies.
   
4. Was voted "Most Likely To Draft A Player Based Solely On His Performance In Madden '07" by a group of my peers.
   

Get To Know Your Leaguemates: Craig

Cuz the eyes of a ranger are upon you...any wrong you do he's gonna see...

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Craig's Fast Facts:

1. Outlasted challenges by Mike, Shawn, and Jon on his blood-drenched road to regaining his commissionership.
   
2. Gave serious consideration to making "Defensive Backs Coach" and "Hot Dog Vendors" draftable positions in the upcoming season.
   
3. Sent the last two league members, Kurt Gehman and Neil Bajpayee, to classified state sanctioned "work camps". They have not been heard of since.
   
4. Was voted "Most Likely To Once Again Get Ridiculed For Selecting Vincent Jackson" by a group of his peers. (Honestly, now that Vincent Jackson is being projected as a Fantasy factor, I'd be devestated if Craig didn't end up with him. I think we should just let Craig take him. It might appease him, and ease his fury.)
   

Get To Know Your Leaguemates: Matt

And that's just breakfast!

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Matt's Fast Facts:

1. For all his culinary accomplishments, Matt is still best known for his signature dish of "Hot Beef Curtains With A Side Of Spaghetti".
   
2. Looks phenomenal in an American flag banana hammock.
   
3. Is now engaged. His fiancee attended Saint Joe's, whose loss to Oklahoma State in March 2oo4 was directly responsible for one of my most destructive nights of drinking ever. However, the silver lining was that the next day I woke up to a house of terrified girls who were distraught over the fact that one of their roomates brought a guy home who crapped all over the first floor of their house. The best part of the story is actually that the guy was just a one night stand, and the girl who brought that guy home had a boyfriend, who then assisted his cheating girlfriend in cleaning up the feces of the man she had just cheated with. That story cracks me up every time I tell it.
   
4. Was voted "Most Likely To Leave The Draft With A Crappy Looking Roster And Still Somehow Finish 12-2" by a group of his peers.
   

Break It Down: The 2007 Penn State Nittany Lions - Chapter 1

The picture tells the joke for me! Thanks, picture!
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Disclaimer: This is the first of what I hope to be a series of guest posts here on Kissing Kerry Collins. Today we have the privilege of being walked through the upcoming Nittany Lions season. Well, the offense anyway. Your tour guide is the Commissioner himself, Herr Fritz. You better be standing and saluting.

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PSU Offensive Season Preview – By the Commander


Last year the Lions faced some tough sledding in losing to the all four marquee opponents on their schedule with tough road games at OSU, Wisc and ND. The team also got smacked at home by Michigan in a game that the score appeared much closer than the contest actually was.

A sign of promise came in the Outback Bowl where the Nits held Tennessee and their much ballyhooed QB, Erik Ainge in check for a solid bowl win and the 22nd of Paterno’s career.

The 2007 Lions return what may be their most athletic team this decade and what might be the best defensive back seven in the entire Big Ten. But first, a look at the offense.

Key Offensive Losses: Levi Brown, LT – 1st round pick (5th overall) of the Arizona Cardinals. Though Brown suffered through a knee injury and missed 2 games in ’06, he was an absolute road-block and protected Morelli’s blind side.

Tony Hunt, RB – 3rd round pick of the Philadelphia Eagles. Hunt finished his senior season as the 2nd leading career rusher in Penn State history. His bullish running style and quiet yeoman-like attitude earned him a sacred place in Nittany Lion lore. His 1,720 total yards and 14 total touchdowns will be difficult to replace.

Key Offensive Returnees: Anthony Morelli, QB – Morelli struggled with a TD/INT ratio of 14:8 and often looked lost behind a make-shift oline all season. His performance in the Outback Bowl and newly assumed leadership has him poised for a breakout season.

AQ Shipley, C – Shipley is a weight room beast and the anchor of an offensive line that promises more continuity than last season with 3 returning starters. Shipley is on the Rimington Trophy Watch List for the nation’s best center.

Andrew Quarless, TE – Quarless opened eyes as a true freshman with his ability to separate from often slower defenders and get open in the middle of the field. He caught two touchdowns as a freshman, one in the Outback Bowl. Expect big things from Quarless. He has the opportunity to be the best PSU tight end since Kyle Brady. Quarless is on the Mackey Award Watch List for the nation’s best tight end. Only 3 other sophomores are on the list.

Austin Scott, RB – Scott came to Penn State in 2003 with expectations higher than Willie Nelson. After spending time battling injuries, Paterno’s doghouse and a rarely seen senior year redshirt, Scott is poised to take over as the Lion’s leading rusher. Word from the scout team is Scott was the toughest runner the first team defense faced during the 2006 season. Look for a big year from him if he’s able to stay healthy. Senior Rodney Kinlaw and RS Freshman Evan Royster will see carries behind him.
ALL WRs - The entire wide receiving corps is back. Juniors Derrick Williams, Jordan Norwood and Deon Butler lead the way with 5th year senior and likely captain Terrell Golden helping out. Watch out for super sophomore Chris Bell who wowed fans at the Blue/White game. He’s big and fast and a great red-zone threat. Butler set Penn State’s single game receiving record last year against Northwestern.

Offense returning starters: 8

Get To Know Your Leaguemates: Adam

...ARE ALLOWED TO DRY HUMP TALKING BEARS!

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Adam's Fast Facts:

1. Owned a maneating fish named Oliver in college.
   
2. Planned his wedding day to coincide with the greatest Penn State game of our lifetime, which meant none of us could go. Thanks, douchebag.
   
3. Is the only person in Penn State's history to take Forestry classes, and not attempt to grow marijuana in his apartment.
   
4. Was voted "Most Likely To Draft Chris Henry Even Though He's Suspended For Eight Games Because Some Crappy Spreadsheet Told Him To Do It" by a group of his peers.

Get To Know Your Leaguemates: Dave

A typical night out in Rehoboth Beach.
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Dave's Fast Facts:

1. Since he moved to Rehoboth, Dave has met hundreds of men willing to get into a four-point stance for him.
   
2. All of Dave's fantasy football magazines smell a little like urine.
   
3. The pick-up line "Want to see my hamster?" carries a completely different connotation in Rehoboth Beach. This transition took Dave a while to get used to.
   
4. Dave was voted "Most Likely To Draft Jeff Garcia" by a group of his peers.
   

Get To Know Your Leaguemates: Mike

Ahh...Walbert. The Toby to my Michael Scott.

Mike's Fast Facts:

1. Although I give him a hard time via the e-mail, in my eyes, Mike has earned a Lifetime Achievement In The Field Of Awesomeness Award for introducing me to Aunt Judy.
   
2. Mike appears in the Summer 2007 edition of 'Who's Who In Ordained Wedding Officiants". His last name is misspelled 'Walburt'.
   
3. Mike will be drafting live via wireless internet from the very same van he puked in during Blue-White weekend 2005.
   
4. Mike was voted "Most Likely to Get Confused By The Time Zone Differential And Miss The Draft Entirely" by a group of his peers.