MMSY: 11/12/07

Following this weekend, is it too much to ask "Touchdown" Fred Barnett to take over the body of Hank Baskett?

5 Things I Think I Thought That Were

1. I think that depsite not clinching a "win" per se with the controversial trade this week with Shawn, I'm glad to pawn off on the Pittsburgh fan the splendid mediocrity that is Willie Parker. Sure, his points-per-week average is good. Going into the weekend he was ranked the #11 scoring running back in ESPN. But Shawn, buddy: Enjoy the 100-yard games with no touchdowns. It really gets to be enjoyable -- even more so when you expend a No. 7 first round pick on him and watch the back chosen after Parker (Dr. Brian Westbrook) drop a 43-point atom bomb this week.

2. Jumpin' jehosiphat! What was with the stat line from James Thrash?? It was sickening to watch him dissect the Birds D, but then something strange happened. If one former trashy Birds offensive player could somehow be reincarnated on the field, well, why couldn't the current Eagles team benefit as well? It was as though the ghosts of Charles Johnson and Jed Weaver took over the bodies of Reggie Brown and LJ Smith. Weird, odd stuff.

3. I think it's really puzzling how fantasy football scoring works sometimes. Just look at Peyton Manning. Six interceptions! And somehow he's able to generate 19 points. I get the whole 328 yards passing and that accounting for something, but what the drilly-o? Commish, can we institute next year some sort of scoring penalty that would be triggered when a quarterback throws, oh, four INTs in a game? Maybe like a -10? As A Little Slap And Pickle would say, "I'm just saying."

4. I think that I will never live down my past indiscretions with past flames, no matter how much time passes. It was wonderful getting a voicemail from Craig, with you hoodlums shouting various names out in the background. Ohhhhhhhhh you guys!

5. I think that I'd be curious to hear how Jon's Saturday morning went. Word on the street from The Pied Piper of Upper Darby is that he had the most ... eventful ... Friday evening with the boys. Do share blog daddy!

Week 9 Double Shot: Power Bajingos and Power Sasquatches

Grab a cup of coffee and check out the hot new double feature.

Well sports fans, it's time to unveil the latest set of Power Rankings. And since Bajingos and Sasquatches went by the wayside this week, I'm combining the two features into one mega-feature. We'll not only rank the teams, we'll point out each team's strengths and weaknesses with the old B's and S's formats.

1. Canadian Cripplers (7-2, L1, Previous #1)
I know what you're thinking..."But he lost!! To the number 2 team in the rankings!! He can't still be #1!!!" Actually, yes he can. Since Sunday, he's gotten significantly better via trade (more on this later), and Slimfast may have gotten significantly worse.
BAJINGO - Looking at his roster as it stands pre-trade, the holes on this team are Brian Griese and Kevin Jones. Post-trade, those holes are filled. Ladies and gentlemen, that is a good trade.
SASQUATCH - The receiving trio of Colston, Randy Moss, and Chris Henry. That's right, the same Chris Henry who hasn't played a snap in 2007. He's already a Sasquatch. He's going to be awesome.

2. Hawaii McLovin (7-2, W2, Previous #2)
As I mentioned, Paul's team got some bad news, as it looks like Chad Johnson may miss this game, and his brother Larry will definitely miss this game. Replacing those two? Justin Fargas and Nate Burleson. Burleson's a half-decent receiver, and a superb punt returner, but Craig has made it perfectly clear that punt returns don't mean a damn thing.
BAJINGO - Philip Rivers is way too hot and cold to be counted on as we come up on playoff time. 4 games with multiple touchdowns, 4 games with a goose egg.
SASQUATCH - Clinton Portis slipped to the third round of our draft this year, mainly due to concerns about injuries and the presence of Ladell Betts. Well, if we were doing things over again, Portis would likely end up going in the first round. He's been the workhorse in Washington, and last week's 196 yard performance was a dandy.

3. Chicago Bear Grylls (6-3, W2, Previous #3)
I believe it's okay to announce that I made the steal of the draft by taking Adrian Peterson with the first pick of the FIFTH round, right? Everybody cool with that? Thought so.
BAJINGO - Although it's hard to call anybody in the top 10 at their position a Bajingo, Steve Smith probably deserves it. Smith is the Philip Rivers of wide receivers. Is he going to erupt for 100 plus yards and a touchdown, or is he going to finish the game with 2 catches for 14 yards? Your guess is as good as mine.
SASQUATCH - Peterson's the obvious answer, but I'll go with Braylon Edwards and Wes Welker. These two have become essential cogs in their offense, and now rank #3 and #5 at their position respectively. Unlike Smith, these guys are going to get their hands on the ball each and every week.

4. Jabroc Junk Jabbers (6-3, W1, Previous #5)
The rebirth of Lee Evans is impressive. It makes me enraged that I traded him and Dallas Clark for Eli Manning in my other league, but it's still impressive none the less.
BAJINGO - Jesse Chatman. What, Samkon Gado wasn't available?
SASQUATCH - The Tonys. Romo and Gonzalez. I think you should rename your team "Two Wetbacks Named Tony" to honor these two Hispanic gentlemen who share the same first name.

5. Dizeez Nutz (6-3, W1, Previous #4)
Aaron's almost a lock for the playoffs despite scoring just 3.2 points more than the lowest scoring team in the league. So I have to knock him down a peg from last week.
BAJINGO - Frank Gore. Hasn't ran for more than 88 yards in a game, and hasn't scored a TD since Week 2. Horribly disappointing season for a first round pick.
SASQUATCH - Steelers D and Nick Folk. These are the two most consistent contributors. It's a good thing we didn't go with Punters and Coaches. Aaron seems to have the market cornered on all the useless categories.

6. License To Kim Jong Il (5-4, W1, Previous #7)
Speaking of horribly disappointing first round picks, hey, it's Shaun Alexander!!!
BAJINGO - Alexander. Not even the movie "Alexander" was this big of a flop. And that movie featured extended Colin Farrell manass.
SASQUATCH - Kellen Winslow. The Second. He's been healthy, and he's been consistent, scoring 8 or more points in every game this season.

7. Bisbee Ball Maulers (4-5, L1, Previous #6)
The Jon Kitna Experience is over in Bisbee. The trade gives Mike the ancient Joey Galloway, who is currently the #8 ranked WR. Any move that gets Jerry Porter out of a team's starting lineup has to be considered a positive one.
BAJINGO - Anquan Boldin has cooled off since a white hot start to the season, mostly due to injury. However, if you're playing "Find The Bajingo" on a team with Jerry Porter, the rule of thumb is to just go with Jerry Porter.
SASQUATCH - Derek Anderson. I've made a few statements about some good free agent pickups this season, but when it boils down to it, there's no better addition than Derek Anderson, who currently ranks ahead of Peyton Manning, despite not starting in Week 1. Marshawn Lynch also gets some definite Sasquatch consideration.

8. Pocket T Bags (4-5, W2, Previous #10)
Shelby has a death grip on the #1 waiver wire priority. I'm actually a little astonished he didn't use it this week to pick up Koy Detmer, which would have been our shrewdest signing to date.
BAJINGO - Darrell Jackson is a major bust after switching scenery in the NFC West this offseason. Instead of catching 14 passes in a game like former teammate Bobby Engram did for Seattle last week, Jackson has caught 20 balls all season in San Fran.
SASQUATCH - Joseph Addai. This week, Addai, the second ranked running back, goes up against the same Chargers defense that allowed 296 yards and three touchdowns to the first ranked running back, Adrian Peterson, just a week ago.

9. Delaware Ding Dong Danglers (3-6, L1, Previous #8)
With Drew Brees catching fire of late, this could be a dangerous squad if they can manage to grab one of the last playoff spots.
BAJINGO - It would be easy to say Steven Jackson, but I don't know how well I could run if my groin muscle decided to explode. Instead I'll go with Reggie Brown, who's one half of the most frustrating WR duo in the NFL. Watching Owens explode on the Eagles for 10 catches and 150 yards, while Donovan fumbled on the first play and sailed passes into the stands made me wish things had turned out somewhat differently in Philadelphia.
SASQUATCH - LenDale White. LenDale had virtually no buzz before the season that made anybody believe he could be a featured back. Now, he's carried the ball 25 times or more in the last four games.

10. Death Knell (3-6, W1, Previous #12)
Step one of the transformation is complete. Craig is just a game out of the playoff hunt and has a new bad-ass persona. Now all you need is a tattoo that says "Bad Mothereffer" and you'll be a force to be reckoned with, my friend.
BAJINGO - Marvin Harrison. He's faking. I think somebody's just jealous that Reggie Wayne has emerged as the Top Dawg in Indy. (Come to think of it, a "Top Dawg" tattoo would work too, Craig.)
SASQUATCH - Brian Westbrook and T.O. Both ranked #4 in their respective positions. Boy, it's funny how even fantasy offenses click when these two are paired up.

11. Hollidaysburgs MPJ's (2-7, L2, Previous #9)
A two game win streak is now forgotten and Adam's quickly headed back down to his preseason residence.
BAJINGO - Cedric Benson, Hines Ward, Chris Brown, and Jay Cutler. Where the hell did you find these four guys? Oh. You don't say. Traded Peyton Manning for them, did you? I see.
SASQUATCH - Tom Brady. His American-Indian name would be "Lone Bright Spot".

12. Larry Craig Fritzes (1-8, L6, Previous #11)
Maybe it's not luck. Maybe this is your punishment for leaving the live draft early. The fantasy gods despise such behavior.
BAJINGO - Pretty much everybody but Jason Witten.
SASQUATCH - Jason Witten. Second among all tight ends, Witten has scored more points than all of your wide receivers. That's kind of embarrasing.

Week 9 Chumleys

For one week only, we excuse the ritual of photoshopping league members onto Heisman trophies to honor All Day.
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I know what you're thinking..."Chumleys BEFORE Bajingos and Sasquatches?! What the hell?!?! You LIED to me!!! You son ofa BITCH!!!" Well, what can I say, the past couple days at work have been hectic and I definitely want to make sure I get these awards handed out in a timely fashion. We'll get to B's and S's. Just not yet. Hang tight, you gorgeous men.

Game 1: Shelby def. Aaron - And the Chumley goes to...
Joseph Addai, RB, Ind - Last week I repeatedly mentioned that the Colts needed to get Addai rolling if they wanted to hang tight with the Pats. Well, Addai got himself rolling in a big way, taking a pass 73 yards just before halftime for a touchdown. He ended up with 112 yards rushing and 114 yards receiving. Although the AFC Championship would likely be held in Foxboro, the Colts showed enough in this game (without Marvin Harrison, nonetheless) to make the rematch extremely interesting should it happen. I disagree with Mike about handing the Pats the Super Bowl trophy just yet. The Colts are still the champs, and come January, they'll be eager to defend their title. Don't count them out yet. They could easily repeat.

Game 2: Rich def. Mike - And the Chumley goes to...
Tony Romo, QB, Dal - I hate rewarding players who beat the Eagles. I hate it even more when they play for Dallas. But Romo played well in front of a hostile Sunday Night Linc crowd, going 20/25, with 324 yards and 3 TD's. Peter King's Monday Morning Quarterback column pointed out that Romo essentially signed the same deal as the Rams gave to Marc Bulger just before the season. Ladies and gentlemen, that is one terrible agent.
Marc Bulger:
A) Spells his name with a 'c' instead of a 'k'. French people spell it that way.
B) Is the quarterback of an 0-8 team.
C) Is 3 years older than Tony Romo.
D) Couldn't bang Carrie Underwood if you gave her three Roofie Coladas.

Seriously though, that agent should have been fired on the spot. What a deal for Dallas.

Game 3: Hefty def. Adam - And the Chumley goes to...
Adrian Peterson, RB, Min - The only thing that bothers me about watching Peterson is that he's always lowering his head. Didn't this guy shatter his collarbone? I'd be leery of using my head as a battering ram if I had a flimsy bone supporting it. But anyway, that's the only thing that bothers me. He got 30 carries with a healthy Chester Taylor, which leads me to believe that Brad Childress has finally woken up and smelled the Sanka. Speaking of Vikings personnel moves, how about the Koy Detmer signing by the Vikes???? You're kidding me, right? Kelly Holcomb's neck injury is no reason to bring in Captain Neckbeard.
By the way, if any sequence of events leads to Koy Detmer starting again in the NFL, there's no possible point spread that could keep me from getting back in the gambling circuit and betting against Minnesota. (OK, that sounded exactly like something Bill Simmons would type, but I stand by it).

Game 4: Jordan def. Melvin - And the Chumley goes to...
Greg Jennings, WR, GB - Greg Jennings, eh? Well, to be honest, I don't know a damn thing about him, but ESPN tells me that he's the 13th best WR in the NFL. That's shocking to say the least. Am I the only one who goes to sleep every night praying for a Brett Favre steroid scandal? Even a Vicodin relapse would be acceptable at this point. Somebody has to end the feel good story in Green Bay. It's too much. Like those chocolate donuts that are also glazed that Dunkin Donuts sells. Come on. It's either chocolate or it's glazed. Make up your mind.

Game 5: Slims def. Shawn - And the Chumley goes to...
Clinton Portis, RB, Was - Portis had a monster game, racking up 196 yards on 36 carries (which is 100 yards fewer than Peterson on 6 more carries...just saying...), and a touchdown. Probably a bittersweet week for Slimmy though, as both of his Johnsons (Larry and Chad) are up in the air for next week's game. I'd also like to thank Slimmy for beating Shawn and putting me within one game of the divisional lead, and also for not getting upset at my awkward message board posting. For the record, I voted for "A Hug", and I'd be proud to give one to you next time I see you.

Game 6: Craig def. Deewaan - And the Chumley goes to...
Earnest Graham, RB, TB - How I arrived at my decision: I'm not rewarding T.O. on the off chance he reads my work, I'm not rewarding Westbrook, or any other Eagle after that shitstain on the rug that was Week 9, Bobby Engram came extremely close to winning, but in the end, I had to give it to Graham. The most eye-popping stat? 34 carries. For Earnest Graham??? Who the eff is this guy? And he's toting the rock 34 times against Arizona, killing clock in a 17-10 win? He also probably singlehandedly kept me alive in my survivor pool, which is reason enough for me to give him the trophy.

Congratulations to all the winners. This race is really starting to heat up, with 3 second-time winners this week. Randy Moss still has a leg up on the field, but this is anyone's game with 4 weeks to play.

Week 9 Photo Finishes: Primanti Brudders Edition!!

Stole this picture right off of ESPN.com's NFL page. I'm even getting too lazy to Google.

Gather 'round, young whippersnappers. We got ourselves an AFC North game tonight, and three fantasy matchups still in the balance. Let's see who wins and who loses.

Game 1: Craig (19.4 points) vs. Deewaan (Derrick Mason)
I've written Craig off for dead, literally, so it only makes sense that he loses in completely agonizing fashion tonight. Besides, I'll be cheering heavily for the Ravens tonight, so to fulfill my master plan, D-Mase will need to step up and put up some major numbers. No running back has had a good game against the Steelers, since I think the late '60's, so let's see if the Ravens can't find some success Air-Mc-Nair-ing it out. 2 TD's and 80 yards should get the job done (yes, I know he only has two all season so far), and Dave slips by Craig.

Game 2: Rich (33.9 points, Santonio Holmes) vs. Mike (Willie Parker)
33.9 points would be a monster game against the Ravens defense, no matter how much they may have slipped from years past. However, adding in Santonio's points will only make it all the less likely that Mike can climb this deficit and win this one. Rich wins comfortably.

Game 3: Hefty (60.5 points) vs. Adam (Hines Ward, Todd Heap)
Something tells me I can breathe easy in this one and just work on putting the finishing touches to my 1:5 scale replica of Adrian Peterson. I chose to construct the shrine out of brownie batter, so when I'm done, I can pop him in the oven and snack away at my Purple Fantasy Savior during upcoming Vikings games. Mmmmm...sacrelicious.

Steelers Loss Is My Gain

Pick your head up, Willis, you've got some money to win for me.

SURVIVOR POOL UPDATE:
Since I know you're all anxiously awaiting the results of my Survivor Pools, I'll fill you in.

1. Kissing Suzy Kolber - It's not for money or anything, but I'm hoping once I win, Big Daddy Drew will deliver me a handwritten letter of gratitude and an invitation to quit my real job and blog for KSK full time. 50 original entrants has whittled itself down to 4, of which Chicago Bear Grylls is still one. All of us won in Week 9, with myself choosing Tampa Bay.

2. My Dad's Fancy Manhattan Co-Workers - This was 10 entries at 25 bucks a piece. We're now down to 3 finalists, of which Turn Your Head And Coughlin (that would be me) is still one. This week, I selected Tampa Bay, as I believe in an all-or-nothing approach in my picking. The two other guys in the pool are taking Pittsburgh, at home against the Ravens tonight. If the Steelers lose, the contest is over and I win 250 bucks. If the Steelers win, we all move on to next week, and I probably am stuck picking some crappy team like the Panthers.

If you're unfamiliar with the concept of a Survivor (or Suicide) Pool, it can be explained thusly:
You select one team each week to win. If your team wins, you advance to the next week. However, any team you previously selected may not be chosen again. For the record, here's the teams that have helped me advance this far.

1. Seattle (def. Tampa)
2. Pittsburgh (def. Buffalo)
3. New England (def. Buffalo)
4. Dallas (def. St. Louis)
5. Tennessee (def. Atlanta)
6. San Diego (def. Oakland)
7. New Orleans (def. Atlanta)
8. Indianapolis (def. Carolina)
9. Tampa Bay (def. Arizona)

MMSY: 11/5/07

It's gonna take a Herculean effort for any of the Autobots (besides Aaron) to move into serious, serious playoff contention.

5 Things I Think I Thought That Were

1. I think that, since I won't be making the trip to Philly this weekend for the Temple festivities, I'd like to place odds on various things that COULD happen. Please add your own predictions in the comments section (wink, Hefty! Like me trying to get the participation going on your blog?? Yeah!):
a. 1-1 that Craig accidentally-on-purpose walks in on Melvin showering.
b. 3-1 that someone makes an uncomfortable joke about Paul's still-sour feelings on The Trade That Almost Was while around Adam. Crap, that happened on the ESPN message board already? Alright, let's bump it up to 7-2.
c. Pick 'em that I'll be wishing I was there, just to smear butter on someone's head whilst they slumber. Awwww, miss you guys!
d. I'd make more predictions but I was left off that email list and can't fully remember who is going. Kinda ruins that...

2. I think that, aside from committing armed robbery on a toddler (thanks, Paul!), the only other thing more enjoyable than watching Sunday night's Cowboys' thumping of the Birds was DVR'ing through the entire first half. Made that second touchdown drive seem much less painful. Wake me up when this season is over, it's April and the Eagles are on the clock.

3. I think someone should just give the Patriots the title. Just put us all out of our misery. There I was, at the Skybox in Glendale, beginning of the 4th quarter in that game. I was gloating beyond belief, happy that my obvious bias against Boston correctly led me to pick the Colts to win -- so I thought. Well, the rest of that 4th quarter made me throw up in my mouth and whiz my drawers. Note: I was able to eat chicken fingers and fries before losing control of bodily functions.

4. I think... eh. The Eagles are awful.

5. I think that anyone planning to make the trip to San Antonio to watch the Nitts is foolish. This weekend they'll slaughter Temple in front of the rowdy alumni. But all signs are pointing toward a tremendous letdown at East Lansing in two weeks. However, I must say I was happy to see Dan Connor take the all-time tackles lead at PSU. So happy that I prankcalled my former high school basketball coach repeatedly for the rest of Saturday afternoon. It was hilarious.

Week 8 Power Rankings: Welcome To The Morgue, Y'ALL!!!

Some silence, please. We're paying our final respects.

Ashes to ashes.
Dust to dust.
Dear readers, we're gathered here today to mourn the tragic passing of a young man's fantasy season. In that casket, the Hairy Areolas now rest, eternally. The woman you see weeping heavily in a black dress is the Areolas widow, Mr. Craig Fritz. You see, friends, once upon a time not so long ago, Craig and the Areolas were the hot power couple of the Westside Fantasy League. The Areolas were freshly adorned with all the finest wide receivers in the land, and their bride was the commissioner of a blossoming league, the envy of many gentlemen callers.
But behind the scenes, all was not well. There were rumors that Craig had been having an ilicit affair with an unnamed, and untrained, Chef. After that, it was rumored that Ms. Fritz was more concerned with winning Pick 'Em games than spending time with her Areolas. Things began to unravel between the Areolas and Madam Fritz. The jilted lovers dropped into a deep funk, and lost five straight games, all while claiming the Low Man trophy an inconceivable 4 out of the past 5 weeks. As of this past weekend, there was just no fight left in the Areolas. At 7:00 PM, Sunday night, the Areolas finally succumbed to a long, crippling, bout of Super AIDS, and now shall find rest in eternal slumber.
Ashes to ashes.
Dust to dust.

1. Canadian Cripplers (7-1, W4, Previous #1)
The Anti-Fritz. Alex Smith is the latest horrendous quarterback to grab the reigns of this thundering steed. Scooped up on waivers, he'll likely take over for one week, at which time, Shawn will turn things back over to Brian Griese. Or Cleo Lemon. Or Sage Rosenfels. Or Ryan Leaf.
Sidenote: If I had to describe the Chris Henry signing in one word, it would be this: shrewd. Clever, isn't it? I coined that phrase, you know.

2. Hawaii McLovin (6-2, W1, Previous #3)
Clinton Portis's reaction on the sideline during the Boston Massacre on Sunday was priceless. If can read minds with surprising accuracy, so I'm pretty certain he was saying "Hmmm, so THIS is why people hated us when we ran up the score at Miami."
Sidenote: Anthony Gonzalez is flattered that you still have him on your team, but even he thinks it's time to cut the cord. In two weeks with Marvin out, Tony Gonzalez II caught 1 pass for 16 yards.

3. Chicago Bear Grylls (5-3, W1, Previous #5)
I have nothing to say about my team that hasn't already been said, so I'll use this opportunity to tell you that I am extremely disappointed that I haven't received more trade offers this season. I think Mike was the only one to bring a trade up, and we made something happen lickity-split. Trust me, if any owner in this league is going to make a trade just because he's bored, it's me. I have the attention span of an 11 year old after he's eaten half his Halloween candy. I'm just surprised I haven't seen any "Bobby Engram and Jamal Lewis for Adrian Peterson"-esque trade proposals. I expect more from you guys.

4. DizeeeeeZ NUTZ (6-2, L1, Previous #2)
A funny thing happens when you check out these Player Rankings on ESPN.com. For some reason, Roddy White shows up as the 17th best receiver in the league. Now, you and I are all sane people and we can logically deduce that nobody as naturally unskilled as Roddy White could be ranked that high, especially when his quarterbacks have been Joey Harrington and Byron Leftwich. It's impossible, right?
Then you click on his profile and it says "Here's the one Falcon worth staring week in and week out." Huh????? I know I certainly don't follow every NFL team as closely as I could (i.e. Jacksonville...), but seriously, when did this happen?? How did this happen? I was completely flabbergasted.
And that's why it's time to play America's Favorite Blogging Party Game: "Hefty gets PWN3D by an untalented wide receiver."
This week's contestant is Roddy White of Atlanta. I currently have a 0-3 record, provoking the fury of Jerry Porter, Patrick Crayton, and Reggie Williams. Step on up, Rowdy Roddy. You need 1 TD or 75+ yards to notch a win.

5. Jabroc Junk Jabbers (5-3, L1, Previous #4)
Reggie Bush is finally starting to gel, picking up between 12 and 17 points in each of his last 5 games. Laurence Maroney has no rushing touchdowns (or any touchdowns, for that matter) on the season, yet New England's quarterbacks scored THREE rushing touchdowns last game! How does that work? How do you play your starters nearly the entire game, and score 34 points or more every game, and your top running back hasn't found the end zone yet? And yes, he was dinged up for a while, but that's still not a good sign.

6. Bisbee Ball Maulers (4-4, W2, Previous #7)
The best tight end duo in the league. Antonio Gates and Greg Olsen. Greg Olsen is everything Vernon Davis should be, but isn't. Derek Anderson, Willie Parker, and Marshawn Lynch round out a very solid backfield appetizer sampler platter. Jerry Porter had a season high four catches on Sunday, which should immediately tell you everything you need to know about Jerry Porter, but were afraid to ask.
Starting the Cowboys defense this weekend is a sports fan crime punishable by death. You know better than that!!! Do you really want to be rewarded every time Dallas gets a turnover or a sack? For shame, Walbsy, for shame.

7. License To Kim Jong Il (4-4, L3, Previous #6)
Jordaroo has dropped three straight since I dubbed him the number 1 team in the land, but I still consider him a playoff-caliber team. It would help his argument if Shaun Alexander could have a solid game, and playing Cleveland this weekend is a perfectly good opportunity to do so.
Sidenote: I'd also like to take this time to publicly approve of Gina, Jordan's ladyfriend. I've never met her, but apparently she takes no offense to the Kim Jong Il team name, and from pictures I saw of Kurtoween, she also makes a lovely looking Luigi (of Mario & Luigi fame). Good work, you bald sack of bald.

8. Delaware Ding Dong Danglers (3-5, W2, Previous #9)
This is the part of the story where I tell you some gay wedding story about me and Dave. This used to be fun for me, but then I realized that Dave never played along, and now I'm considering not doing any gay stuff with him at my wedding at all. But I still want to regale you with tales of my wedding. So here we go.
I booked my honeymoon tonight. So far, this was the most enjoyable step of wedding planning. I and a guest of my choosing (traditionally the bride, but nothing's set in stone) will head off to the mystical island nation of Antigua for nine days, where we will snorkel in crystal blue waters, dance the nights away at vibrant night clubs, and drink rum that was equal parts donkey urine and Splenda only days ago. It shall be glorious.
I know what you're thinking..."But who will blog in your stead?!" And to that, I say..."I will. With Craig's corporate Blackberry which I steal during the reception."
Football: Dave, offer me nearly any trade that involves LenDale White and I'll probably do it. Leverage be damned. I've been dying to get my hands on that tub of goo since he was at USC.

9. Holidaysburg's MPJs (2-6, L1, Previously #8)
Adam having Tom Brady is the fantasy football equivalent of Canada having a nuclear bomb. Sure, they've got a nuclear bomb, which is scary and all, but on the other hand, it's only Canada.
Sidenote: I'm no fisherman, and I normally detest outdoorsman-type stories since they're all I hear at work, but I've got to say salmon fishing sounds pretty effin cool. Salmon's pretty much the greatest food that you can eat without preparing or cooking, so there's the instant gratification factor. I imagine you put a worm on your hook, throw your line in, pluck a salmon out, drizzle some maple syrup on it, take a big bite out of it, and then get ready to bait your hook again. Although, I would like this sport more if it involved fending off bears while you fish. That would sort of be like a biathalon.

10. Pocket T Bags (3-5, W1, Previously #11)
This seems like a good time to point out that it's conceivable that all six Decepticons teams could make the playoffs. You Autobots are straight up carnival trash.
Meanwhile, Brett Favre had another miraculous Monday Night game. This can't be good. This means Favre will spend another season going through the Roger Clemens game where he makes us guess whether he's coming back to the NFL, or sticking to the backyard pickup games with the rest of his buddies from the Wrangler commercials.

11. Larry Craig Fritzes (1-7, L5, Previously #10)
Admittedly, I was the second dumbest kid in my Stat 401 class at Penn State. The dumbest kid was a girl named Bethany who sat next to me and copied off my homework before we turned it in every day. However, despite my rudimentary understanding of standard deviations and row echelon matrices, I feel confident in proclaiming that it is next to impossible that any team could have scored so many points and had so few wins to show for it. This is absolutely just the worst possible luck I've ever seen. If we do end up in Vegas again, I'm staying at least 4 blackjack tables away from you.

12. Hairy Areolas (2-6, L5, Previously #12)
All mock funerals aside, you do still have a chance to emerge from the grave this season and make the playoffs. You're really only 1 game out, and this roster can probably be salvaged. But what you need is a regime change. Fire the coach, fire the GM, change the uniforms, and change the team name. Listen, I loved the name as much as anybody else. But it doesn't strike fear into your leaguemates. You need a new badass persona. It worked for Cassius Clay (aka Muhammad Ali), it worked for Lew Alcindor (aka Kareem Abdul-Jabbar), it can work for you. Shed the Areolas persona and embrace your glorious future. Plus, even if it's a terrible name, it can only be second worst.