Week 8 Power Rankings: Welcome To The Morgue, Y'ALL!!!

Some silence, please. We're paying our final respects.

Ashes to ashes.
Dust to dust.
Dear readers, we're gathered here today to mourn the tragic passing of a young man's fantasy season. In that casket, the Hairy Areolas now rest, eternally. The woman you see weeping heavily in a black dress is the Areolas widow, Mr. Craig Fritz. You see, friends, once upon a time not so long ago, Craig and the Areolas were the hot power couple of the Westside Fantasy League. The Areolas were freshly adorned with all the finest wide receivers in the land, and their bride was the commissioner of a blossoming league, the envy of many gentlemen callers.
But behind the scenes, all was not well. There were rumors that Craig had been having an ilicit affair with an unnamed, and untrained, Chef. After that, it was rumored that Ms. Fritz was more concerned with winning Pick 'Em games than spending time with her Areolas. Things began to unravel between the Areolas and Madam Fritz. The jilted lovers dropped into a deep funk, and lost five straight games, all while claiming the Low Man trophy an inconceivable 4 out of the past 5 weeks. As of this past weekend, there was just no fight left in the Areolas. At 7:00 PM, Sunday night, the Areolas finally succumbed to a long, crippling, bout of Super AIDS, and now shall find rest in eternal slumber.
Ashes to ashes.
Dust to dust.

1. Canadian Cripplers (7-1, W4, Previous #1)
The Anti-Fritz. Alex Smith is the latest horrendous quarterback to grab the reigns of this thundering steed. Scooped up on waivers, he'll likely take over for one week, at which time, Shawn will turn things back over to Brian Griese. Or Cleo Lemon. Or Sage Rosenfels. Or Ryan Leaf.
Sidenote: If I had to describe the Chris Henry signing in one word, it would be this: shrewd. Clever, isn't it? I coined that phrase, you know.

2. Hawaii McLovin (6-2, W1, Previous #3)
Clinton Portis's reaction on the sideline during the Boston Massacre on Sunday was priceless. If can read minds with surprising accuracy, so I'm pretty certain he was saying "Hmmm, so THIS is why people hated us when we ran up the score at Miami."
Sidenote: Anthony Gonzalez is flattered that you still have him on your team, but even he thinks it's time to cut the cord. In two weeks with Marvin out, Tony Gonzalez II caught 1 pass for 16 yards.

3. Chicago Bear Grylls (5-3, W1, Previous #5)
I have nothing to say about my team that hasn't already been said, so I'll use this opportunity to tell you that I am extremely disappointed that I haven't received more trade offers this season. I think Mike was the only one to bring a trade up, and we made something happen lickity-split. Trust me, if any owner in this league is going to make a trade just because he's bored, it's me. I have the attention span of an 11 year old after he's eaten half his Halloween candy. I'm just surprised I haven't seen any "Bobby Engram and Jamal Lewis for Adrian Peterson"-esque trade proposals. I expect more from you guys.

4. DizeeeeeZ NUTZ (6-2, L1, Previous #2)
A funny thing happens when you check out these Player Rankings on ESPN.com. For some reason, Roddy White shows up as the 17th best receiver in the league. Now, you and I are all sane people and we can logically deduce that nobody as naturally unskilled as Roddy White could be ranked that high, especially when his quarterbacks have been Joey Harrington and Byron Leftwich. It's impossible, right?
Then you click on his profile and it says "Here's the one Falcon worth staring week in and week out." Huh????? I know I certainly don't follow every NFL team as closely as I could (i.e. Jacksonville...), but seriously, when did this happen?? How did this happen? I was completely flabbergasted.
And that's why it's time to play America's Favorite Blogging Party Game: "Hefty gets PWN3D by an untalented wide receiver."
This week's contestant is Roddy White of Atlanta. I currently have a 0-3 record, provoking the fury of Jerry Porter, Patrick Crayton, and Reggie Williams. Step on up, Rowdy Roddy. You need 1 TD or 75+ yards to notch a win.

5. Jabroc Junk Jabbers (5-3, L1, Previous #4)
Reggie Bush is finally starting to gel, picking up between 12 and 17 points in each of his last 5 games. Laurence Maroney has no rushing touchdowns (or any touchdowns, for that matter) on the season, yet New England's quarterbacks scored THREE rushing touchdowns last game! How does that work? How do you play your starters nearly the entire game, and score 34 points or more every game, and your top running back hasn't found the end zone yet? And yes, he was dinged up for a while, but that's still not a good sign.

6. Bisbee Ball Maulers (4-4, W2, Previous #7)
The best tight end duo in the league. Antonio Gates and Greg Olsen. Greg Olsen is everything Vernon Davis should be, but isn't. Derek Anderson, Willie Parker, and Marshawn Lynch round out a very solid backfield appetizer sampler platter. Jerry Porter had a season high four catches on Sunday, which should immediately tell you everything you need to know about Jerry Porter, but were afraid to ask.
Starting the Cowboys defense this weekend is a sports fan crime punishable by death. You know better than that!!! Do you really want to be rewarded every time Dallas gets a turnover or a sack? For shame, Walbsy, for shame.

7. License To Kim Jong Il (4-4, L3, Previous #6)
Jordaroo has dropped three straight since I dubbed him the number 1 team in the land, but I still consider him a playoff-caliber team. It would help his argument if Shaun Alexander could have a solid game, and playing Cleveland this weekend is a perfectly good opportunity to do so.
Sidenote: I'd also like to take this time to publicly approve of Gina, Jordan's ladyfriend. I've never met her, but apparently she takes no offense to the Kim Jong Il team name, and from pictures I saw of Kurtoween, she also makes a lovely looking Luigi (of Mario & Luigi fame). Good work, you bald sack of bald.

8. Delaware Ding Dong Danglers (3-5, W2, Previous #9)
This is the part of the story where I tell you some gay wedding story about me and Dave. This used to be fun for me, but then I realized that Dave never played along, and now I'm considering not doing any gay stuff with him at my wedding at all. But I still want to regale you with tales of my wedding. So here we go.
I booked my honeymoon tonight. So far, this was the most enjoyable step of wedding planning. I and a guest of my choosing (traditionally the bride, but nothing's set in stone) will head off to the mystical island nation of Antigua for nine days, where we will snorkel in crystal blue waters, dance the nights away at vibrant night clubs, and drink rum that was equal parts donkey urine and Splenda only days ago. It shall be glorious.
I know what you're thinking..."But who will blog in your stead?!" And to that, I say..."I will. With Craig's corporate Blackberry which I steal during the reception."
Football: Dave, offer me nearly any trade that involves LenDale White and I'll probably do it. Leverage be damned. I've been dying to get my hands on that tub of goo since he was at USC.

9. Holidaysburg's MPJs (2-6, L1, Previously #8)
Adam having Tom Brady is the fantasy football equivalent of Canada having a nuclear bomb. Sure, they've got a nuclear bomb, which is scary and all, but on the other hand, it's only Canada.
Sidenote: I'm no fisherman, and I normally detest outdoorsman-type stories since they're all I hear at work, but I've got to say salmon fishing sounds pretty effin cool. Salmon's pretty much the greatest food that you can eat without preparing or cooking, so there's the instant gratification factor. I imagine you put a worm on your hook, throw your line in, pluck a salmon out, drizzle some maple syrup on it, take a big bite out of it, and then get ready to bait your hook again. Although, I would like this sport more if it involved fending off bears while you fish. That would sort of be like a biathalon.

10. Pocket T Bags (3-5, W1, Previously #11)
This seems like a good time to point out that it's conceivable that all six Decepticons teams could make the playoffs. You Autobots are straight up carnival trash.
Meanwhile, Brett Favre had another miraculous Monday Night game. This can't be good. This means Favre will spend another season going through the Roger Clemens game where he makes us guess whether he's coming back to the NFL, or sticking to the backyard pickup games with the rest of his buddies from the Wrangler commercials.

11. Larry Craig Fritzes (1-7, L5, Previously #10)
Admittedly, I was the second dumbest kid in my Stat 401 class at Penn State. The dumbest kid was a girl named Bethany who sat next to me and copied off my homework before we turned it in every day. However, despite my rudimentary understanding of standard deviations and row echelon matrices, I feel confident in proclaiming that it is next to impossible that any team could have scored so many points and had so few wins to show for it. This is absolutely just the worst possible luck I've ever seen. If we do end up in Vegas again, I'm staying at least 4 blackjack tables away from you.

12. Hairy Areolas (2-6, L5, Previously #12)
All mock funerals aside, you do still have a chance to emerge from the grave this season and make the playoffs. You're really only 1 game out, and this roster can probably be salvaged. But what you need is a regime change. Fire the coach, fire the GM, change the uniforms, and change the team name. Listen, I loved the name as much as anybody else. But it doesn't strike fear into your leaguemates. You need a new badass persona. It worked for Cassius Clay (aka Muhammad Ali), it worked for Lew Alcindor (aka Kareem Abdul-Jabbar), it can work for you. Shed the Areolas persona and embrace your glorious future. Plus, even if it's a terrible name, it can only be second worst.

Week 8 Chumleys

The surging Ball Maulers were the only Autobots team to notch a win last week.

Where does the time go? It feels like I haven't posted in weeks. There's so much ground to cover today, and I know I'll miss some things. Let's see...
-Robert Goulet died, and while my future employers went with "The Coconut Bangers Ball", I'll choose "Red Ships of Spain" any day and twice on Sunday.
-Sasquatch is alive, but it might be a bear instead.

Ok, I think I covered all the important stuff. On to those Chumley awards you've anxiously been awaiting.

Game 1: Hefty def. Aaron - And the Chumley goes to...
Braylon Edwards, WR, Cle - I was listening to a Fantasy Football Podcast at work today and they were talking about if they could redraft midseason, how would it go? Brady was taken first, Tomlinson taken second, Addai taken third, Randy Moss taken 4th. Here's my point, dude...Braylon Edwards was the next receiver they took! Braylon's definitely winning me over at this point in the season, but the second best wide receiver?? Absurdity, right? Well maybe not. 37 catches, 669 yards, 9 TD's, all while playing for the pigskin wasteland known as the Cleveland Browns. Pretty amazing season for Braylon so far.

Game 2: Shawn def. Melvin - And the Chumley goes to...
Chargers, D/ST, SD - 29 fantasy points out of a defense is re-donkey-kong. If you need help visualizing how a defense could score this many points, here's your frame of reference: 29 fantasy points is the same number the Giants defense scored against the Eagles in the 'Winston Justice' game.

Game 3: Mike def. Jordan - And the Chumley goes to...
Antonio Gates, TE, SD - Derek Anderson could have gotten the nod here after his 248 yard, 3 TD day, but I went with Gates and his 3 catch, 92 yard, 2 TD day instead. Like much of Southern California, Gates was on fire on Sunday.
Too soon, or just not that funny? You decide.

Game 4: Paul def. Craig - And the Chumley goes to...
Philip Rivers QB, SD - When you throw 11 passes, and three of them are touchdowns, you've had yourself a pretty solid day. Rivers seems to be one of the most hot-and-cold QB's in the league. He's had 4 games with two or more touchdowns, and 3 games with no touchdowns. There's no middle ground here, but the important thing is that San Diego's offense seems to have found it's spark again after sputtering through the opening part of the schedule.

Game 5: Dave def. Adam - And the Chumley goes to...
Drew Brees, QB, NO - While I'd normally give this award to Jason Elam for his kicking heroics, it would be irresponsible of me to ignore Brees's monstrous 336 yard, 4 touchdown game against the Niners. Brees has climbed out of a major early season slump to become our league's 14th ranked QB. He's tossed eight touchdowns in the last three games, and the schedule looks pretty favorable for Brees the rest of the way.

Game 6: Shelby def. Rich - And the Chumley goes to...
Joseph Addai, RB, Ind - Addai led all RB's by a 9 point margin on Sunday, and is the fifth ranked back in the league. I personally think he'll have a strong performance against the Colts on Sunday, who hopefully can get a win so we can finally read a sports story about a city other than Boston for a week. Even the Philadelphia media is Boston-centric. It's T.O. Week, and the big sports story is that Curt Schilling could be coming back to the Phillies. I just need something different. I'm even getting excited by Kobe Bryant trade rumors, even though there's less than a 0% chance he'd end up in Philadelphia. Just anything to break up the Celtics-Sox-Pats (even a moderate amount of Boston College) monopoly on ESPN programming. Enough already. I just got my Sports Illustrated in the mail and I'm scared to open it. Papelbon's on the cover and Brady's brooding up in the upper left corner.
Sidenote: It's almost impossible to type Joe's last name without typing Adidas first and then backspacing and fixing it. And it's not like Adidas is even something I type that often.

Week 8 Photo Finishes: Elamania!!!

Elam is "Male" backwards. Write that down.

I'm slightly pressed for time today, so we'll concentrate on two games here. Sorry to count you out, Rich, but whatever a Tony Scheffler is, I doubt it's good for 14 points plus whatever Donald Driver and Brandon Stokely score. So I'll say you lose. So here are the two games coming down to the wire tonight, and my predicted outcomes.

Game 1: Mike (23.9 point lead) vs. Jordan (Brandon Marshall)
Brandon Marshall will get the majority of the looks on the field with Javon Walker missing the game due to injury. While he's had some good games this season, he hasn't had anything close to a 24 point game, and I don't think that will change tonight against a tough Green Bay D. I'll say he bags a touchdown, and maybe 60 yards. Mike wins.

Game 2: Adam (0.3 point lead) vs. Dave (Jason Elam)
Since our league penalizes missed kicks, there's actually a chance Adam could sneak away with this one, but there's no way I'd actually predict such nonsense. Elam has had three game winning kicks this season for the Broncos, and I'll say tonight he gets number 4 and 5, kicking both Denver and Delaware to close victories.

Week 8 Roundup: Las Bajingas Y Los Sasquatchos

The Chargers-Texans game featured more man-on-man ass rubbing than Kurt's Halloween party!

THE BAJINGOS

1. Chad Johnson - Ocho Cinco has had a great season so far, with the exception of two games. He caught 3 balls for 53 yards against New England earlier in the season, and 5 balls for 51 yards against Pittsburgh yesterday. Good defenses seem to be able to find away to stop Chad from putting on one of his attention seeking stunts. Chris Henry can return to the field in Week 10, which should give Carson another reliable target along with TJ Houshmandzadeh. Add in the rumors swirling in Cincinnati that Chad is telling opposing players and coaches to "get me out of here", meaning Cincy, and I have a feeling that the season is only going to get worse for Johnson. He may get his wish, as it sounds like the team may be considering trading him away after the season.

2. Craig's Lineup - 53.7 points is pretty terrible. The worst part is, he didn't have any significant points on his bench either. I don't know what you're expecting when Trent Edwards is your starting quarterback, but things are getting even worse in Areolaville, who was already #12 in last week's Power Rankings.

3. The Giants Passing Game - Plaxico had scored in the first six games of the season before getting held out of the end zone last week against the 49ers. He's now got a two-game streak going, as the Dolphins held the Giants to just 59 passing yards and zero passing touchdowns at a rainy Wembley Stadium. The Giants are on a bye next week, and then return in Week 10 to kick off a much more difficult second half of their schedule. Given Eli Manning's proclivity for starting the season off hot and then getting progressively crappier, this could be a unit that continues to struggle in the weeks to come.

4. Vince Young - The Titans continue to win behind VY, but he's proving himself not to be the statistical machine some had projected. Young has just three passing touchdowns and six interceptions on the season. He has yet to throw for more than 184 yards in a game, and even the rushing part of his game hasn't come together as expected. He's scrambled for one touchdown, and hasn't gone for more than 53 yards in a game so far.

5. Steve Smith - There doesn't seem to be any middle ground with Smith. He's either the focal point of the offense and racking up double digit fantasy points, or he's getting completely shut down. Yesterday was another shut down game, as he got held to 2 catches for 18 yards. Sure, he's got some lousy quarterbacks getting him the ball, but Carolina's running game should be respectable enough to get Smith some one-on-one looks so he can make something happen after the catch.

THE SASQUATCHES

1. Tom Brady - Last week I bemoaned Tom Brady's lack of running ability. So what does he do? 4 carries, 14 yards, 2 touchdowns. Shut me right up. Brady's obviously the best player on the best team in the NFL, so maybe we need to exclude him from future Sasquatch status. It's a given.

2. Drew Brees to Marques Colston - Brees and Colston torched the 49ers yesterday. Brees had 336 yards and 4 touchdowns, three of which were caught by Colston. Brees has now thrown for 8 touchdowns in the past three games, as the Saints seem to be re-emerging from the ashes once again. Was there another hurricane in New Orleans I didn't hear about? Anyway, New Orleans's resurgence seems to have come just in time for them to make a late playoff push, and if the Eagles can somehow manage to do the same, Week 16 (Eagles at Saints) could have some major implications.

3. Deeeeeeeeee-Fense!!!! - The Chargers scored twice and picked off four passes in putting up 29 fantasy points. The Patriots recovered three fumbles and scored a touchdown and added 23 points. It was a good day to own one of these defenses, as both Shawn and Shelby should be enjoying a win thanks in part to a dominating defensive effort.

4. Antonio Gates - Gates had three catches for 92 yards and a touchdown. The touchdowns couldn't have been easier for him to score. I don't know if it was keying on LT, or watching newly acquired Chris Chambers closer, but Gates was wide open twice on long passes and had a monster day in a blowout over the Texans.

5. Joseph Addai - If the Colts want to win next week's game, Addai will need to have a game every bit as good as he had yesterday. He carried 23 times for 100 yards and two touchdowns, and also took a shovel pass in to the end zone. Assuming Marvin Harrison can go full-speed next week, Addai should have a little less defensive attention focused on him and could be the key to Indy's success in what should be the game of the year.

MMSY: 10/29/07

Feel the excitement! It's the Colts! It's the Pats! It's .... NEXXXXT!!!

5 Things I Think I Thought That Were

1. I think the best part about the Penn State/Ohio State "game" was the sign shown during ESPN College Gameday: "Finkel Is Einhorn." Simple. Short. Absolute genius. I've got more venom coming on that PSU effort in a bit.

2. I think that the hype meter might implode this week with the build up to Indianapolis/New England this coming weekend. I get it, I do.

This is going to be a terrific game between two teams that, clearly, are head and shoulders above the rest of the NFL. I also know that Tony Dungy has overcome severe personal tragedy to reach gigantic professional heights, all while helping folks along the way in a spiritual and motivational manner. That Bill Belichick still faces scrutiny over the camera thingy and wants to prove to the world that his team doesn't need to cheat to dominate. That the Patriots have old, yet wily linebackers. That the Colts are being viewed as "under the radar." That Bob Sanders is the straw that stirs the Colts defense. That Tom Brady is trying to not only take revenge on the Colts for their 2006 playoff demise, but also is trying to forcibly suffocate that single-season touchdown record that Peyton holds. Oh, and eff as many models as he can in a calendar year, too.

(Still with me? I've got tons of new angles that haven't been covered yet... OK, I'll stop).

3. I think that, since no one else seemed to give a damn about Hefty's 76ers post on Friday, that I'll chime in: OJ Mayo will not help this franchise. I don't buy, right now, that he's the best player for them (anybody think a legit center might help? Or better yet, the power forward that hasn't been present since Sir Charles came out to the desert in 1993? I loved Tyrone Hill and Charles Shackleford, but ... yeah.) In fact, I don't even buy that Mayo is the best of the one-year-and-done college kids (Kevin Love at UCLA; Eric Gordon at Indiana). Plus, Mayo has a stink-ass attitude. I say stay away from him.

Plus, we know this draft speculation will be rendered completely moot when they reel off a flurry of wins at the end of the season to sneak into the playoffs and promptly get jackhammered by the top seed.

4. I think that Hollywoodland is an excellent film. Stars Adrien Brody, Ben Affleck, Diane Lane and that guy from Who Framed Roger Rabbit? A taught (like a tiger) thriller about the mysterious death of 1950s television star George "Superman" Reeves. Mixed in is some humor and multiple (repeat: MULTIPLE) bare rear-end shots of Mr. Affleck. Fantastic stuff.

5. I think that my rant from the Michigan game, sadly, applies here again. It's almost becoming routine, this strategy where the coaching staff tries to minimize the team's mistakes by doing things that simply cannot help your team win:
a. Not blitzing a first-year starter making his biggest start of his career on the road. The two times (seriously, someone tell me if you counted more) that Penn State blitzed, they resulted in Dan Connor's interception and a Navarro Bowman sack.
b. Not throwing the ball downfield. My dad made a great observation in that, once we scored on that opening drive by running the ball very effectively, the gameplan got shifted to an extreme focus on the run. And it didn't work.
c. Keeping Andrew Quarless in to block rather than using his 6'5, 250-lb. frame in the passing game down the middle. If I, sitting in a crowded PSU alumni sports bar, can spot that every time Quarless tapped Morelli's ass that they would be running to the left of the line, well I'm just kinda sorta sure Ohio State figured it out.
d. That cowardly decision to punt when it was 4-and-2 at the Ohio State 38-yard-line. Change your diaper, Joe Pa.
e. Don't even get me started on the mandatory 15-yard cushion our defensive backs are instructed to give every receiver. It's a joke.

Orange Juice, Mayonnaise Sales Skyrocket In Eastern PA

The Sixers could suck hard enough to grab a Top 3 pick in this year's draft.

The NBA tips off in just 4 days, and if you're like me, you probably enjoy the first week or two of hoops season, then you go back to football, you pick up your ears again around the All-Star Game, and then you give it moderate attention until the playoffs start.

I enjoy the NBA but I never get particularly excited or upset about it. I mainly just like watching 7 foot African American men interacting with Eastern Europeans who probably smell like sweat-soaked borscht. It's fun. Well, there are two times in the year when the NBA has my full time attention. The first is the trade deadline. The second is the draft. For some reason, both of these events suck me in like a tractor beam every year. I also like to critique various teams' moves and lack of moves, as if I have any expertise whatsoever on the teams. I normally wouldn't be able to tell you a thing about Boris Diaw, but if his name is heavily involved in trade rumors, I'm all over it.

And the draft is even better. I'll make it my job to become an expert on every first round prospect, and then make important sounding comments about them as the draft unfolds. The night usually ends with me making a phone call to my dad and complaining about something I think the Sixers did wrong. Basically it's exactly what Bill Simmons does.

But this year's draft could be even more important. The Sixers might blow harder than any other team in the NBA, and be rewarded with a Top-3 pick for their buffoonery. There's a preview up on ESPN.com in which almost everybody picks them to finish last in the Eastern Conference, which is akin to calling somebody the biggest fag in Rehoboth.

And while there's still a looooong way to go until something like this pops up again on my radar, for today, I'm already thinking about the 2008 Sixers trotting out the #1 pick, OJ Mayo.

Grade The Trade: 10/25/07

BREAKING NEWS: The Hairy Areolas and The Larry Craig Fritzes have announced a three player trade. The Craigger will send Ahman Green (old) and Fred Taylor (weak, old) to Melvin, in exchange for Dwayne Bowe (Kansas City receiver).

From Melvin's Perspective - Ahman Green hasn't had a good game since Week 2. Fred Taylor hasn't had a good game since 2002. It's no secret that I err on the side of youth when it comes to running backs. I'd rather take my chances on a hot rook than dabble with a has-been. When it comes to fantasy running backs, there just aren't that many cougars in the league. It's best to hit up the young flesh and hope for the best. It's fitting that Taylor and Green are 38 and 39 in scoring amongst running backs this year. I believe that's also their age.
Honestly, I understand that with Ronnie Brown going down for the season, you definitely need some help at RB, but at the same time, these guys should not be starting for you. They're most likely your third and fourth option, and while I'm all for stocking your bench with potential talent, you are 1-6 and this trade does not solve any of your most pressing needs.

From Craig's Perspective - Let me take a wild guess. This isn't what you had in mind when you drafted Marvin Harrison, Terrell Owens and Javon Walker in rounds 2, 3, and 4, is it? Instead you're trading away two running backs for a rookie wide receiver who plays for one of the least threatening offenses in football. To his credit, Bowe has developed nicely, he's actually the 12th ranked receiver, and has fared no worse than 40 yards or a touchdown in any game so far. While I'm leery of any Chief, this seems to be their number one wide receiver, and so long as LJ and Gonzo are keeping up with expectations, Bowe should continue to find single coverage in the secondary. While I'm 99.9% sure that he won't be able to keep up his pace and finish in the Top 12 overall, it looks like you've gotten your new WR3 while Javon heals up.

The Winner: Craig, by the slightest of edges.